The Beauty of the Beasts
Paris
Hank had to admit that Selene had finally shown some common sense in dropping off the rest of the Inner Circle back at the Hellfire Club, they might avoid further trouble that way. She had also displayed excellent taste in choosing this very classy and expensive restaurant. From their table by a window he could make out the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and other famous landmarks. He had been quite surprised that they had been let in so quickly given his leonine appearance and Selene's clothes but she had talked to the bouncer and people were practically falling over themselves to serve them. Also people kept coming up to him, trying to touch his fur and look at his fangs.
"Just what did you tell them Selene?"
"I told them that we were actors portraying the leads in a new live action Beauty and the Beast film. They believe you are Pierce Brosnyn in costume," explained Selene.
"Stars and garters," murmured Hank.
Then the waiter arrived bearing their meal so Hank decided he might as well settle down and enjoy the meal and hope that Selene didn't spring any more surprises on him.
The mansion
"Well yeah apart from the fact that someone stole my jacket, my shirt got ripped and that my head-fur is now bleached blonde I'd say I got of lightly. Is there a reason why you're trying to give me this titanium baseball bat?" asked Dark Beast.
"It's my most treasured possession Mr. McCoy and I want you to hold it. Oh and have you seen your sideburns?" said Beak pushing the baseball bat into McCoy's hands.
"Stars and garters, they seem a bit ragged don't they? I swear they seemed to pull out so much fur that it's a wonder I'm not bald,"
Dark Beast sighed heavily and made his way to the kitchen sure to remember next time to keep away from adolescent females. Fortunately they were now safely locked away in their dormitory looking over their prizes, Angel now wore Dark Beast's jacket while the Stepford Cuckoos were fighting amongst themselves over who got which bit of fur or fragment of cloth torn from their idol. The rest of them were enthusing over how soft his fur was and how generally Dark Beast had usurped Logan's position as most adored man.
"Oh you poor baby, here let me give you a beer. You poor thing, just sit back and let me take care of you," said Jean sympathetically when McCoy arrived in the kitchen. Dark Beast meekly did as he was told and sipped the beer contentedly although he flinched slightly when Jean sat down next to him. Fortunately she didn't do anything to his fur but proceeded to tell him all about her marital problems in great detail.
Meanwhile Scott and Xorn had arrived back at the mansion where they were met by Emma Frost as there was a very special patient for Xorn to see. The unfortunate Blackheart had suffered a complete nervous breakdown and was now completely catatonic and needed Xorn's healing powers if he was to recover. Emma had probed his mind telepathically and come up with a surprising revelation. Blackheart had requested asylum and that he wanted to renounce his formerly evil ways and join the X-Men.
"Well some of the teams have had alien members before like Cerise and Warlock, even Longshot for that matter. Many of us have been reformed villains before including you Emma so a demon shouldn't be too different. By the way where are Bobby and Hank?" asked Scott.
"They apparently went off with the rest of the Hellfire Club but Hank is here in a manner of speaking," said Emma.
"What do you mean?"
"Well Dark Beast is here,"
"Dark Beast, you mean Hank's evil twin who caused us so much trouble when he showed up incognito. I hope he's safely locked up."
"Actually Beak seems to have taken a liking to him, he's been a big hit with the female students and he's in the kitchen at the moment drinking beer and discussing your marital problems with Jean."
"Oh my god, I thought it was bad enough having Selene keep appearing and trying to seduce anything with testosterone and the entire Inner Circle of the Hellfire Club having a party in the kitchen. This ends here and now," snarled Scott as he strode off determinedly towards the kitchen.
"I will go and see to our demon and later I will see Scott, he may give himself a cardiac arrest," said Xorn.
Hellfire Club
Yuriko and Martinique were presently changing into evening attire ready a quiet dinner of their own with Creed, Bobby, Fitzroy and Jack. Yuriko was engaged in the time consuming task of varnishing her nails, adamantium talons extended to full length and she was painting them a tasteful shade of mauve. She looked quite elegant in her crimson and gold kimono and her hair was in a traditional Japanese style. Tonight she was Lady Yuriko Oyama rather than Lady Deathstrike. Marti though was troubled, thinking about Hank and the fact that she was finding she may have been starting to fool in love with him. Well that might explain why she was stroking that blue velvet coat while creating the illusion that it was Hank.
"Is there something troubling you Martinique-san?"
"I think I'm in love Yuriko."
"Ah love, a very dangerous thing Martinique-san so be careful. Also please could you tell me why you are fondling that coat?"
Sabretooth sniffed the air cautiously and listened intently, he could smell something very familiar and he could swear he heard a heartbeat. It was coming from that broom cupboard so he crept cautiously closer, stealthy and silent but even he the most skilled of predators was taken by surprise. The cupboard door burst open and Steve Irwin leapt out and landed on Creed's chest knocking him prone. Quickly Steve managed to get Creed in a headlock maneuvering him so that the camcorder could get a close up.
"Crikey just look at this gorgeous critter, isn't he a beauty? Now look at those fangs and listen to that growl. He's saying back off I'm an angry Sabretooth and I might bite you. Still you're not going to bite me are you mate? No you're beautiful and you're not a naughty boy."
Sabretooth snarled and growled, struggling with all his might but quite unable to break free. His claws and fangs were quite useless and he could only hiss in impotent rage as Steve began stroking his sideburns.
"Now just take a look at these sideburns, quite common to all feral types and these are particularly impressive."
Creed should have realized that Steve Irwin was harder to kill than even Wolverine or a cockroach. Actually Steve Irwin had a lot in common with the latter although they were much more intelligent and charming creatures.
Bobby and Jack were in the lounge relaxing and watching a Star Trek rerun while eating Twinkies and drinking Coca Cola when they were interrupted by a ghastly apparition. Cassandra Nova had returned wearing a new blonde wig and a low cut gown that Emma Frost and Selene would have regarded as being too indecent for them to wear. Unfortunately her garb left nothing to the imagination and the sight was ghastly to say the least.
"Oh Hank, Cassie needs love!" crooned Cassandra Nova.
"I'm going ta die, oh man I'm going ta die I'm telling ya," whispered Jack shifting to wolf-man form.
"Aiiieee!" screamed Bobby leaping up into Jack's arms.
"Oh he's not here, well I'll just have to try somewhere else," sighed Cassandra Nova.
"Still I obviously made quite an impression on those two," she sighed blowing them a kiss before departing.
Paris
"Are you alright Hank? You gave me quite a scare with that coughing fit," asked Selene full of concern.
"Sorry about that, with my new mutation hairballs can sometimes be a problem. Also I have to be very careful about staying away from catnip," explained Hank.
"Poor darling, I will kiss you better," she purred kissing him full on the lips.
Hank sighed, thankful that yet again she'd remembered not to drain his energy. He'd lied about having the hairball; instead the coughing fit had started when Selene had made a suggestion. She felt the atmosphere in the restaurant was a little staid and perhaps she should liven it up by performing a striptease. He doubted that his heart could have withstood that experience although he had to admit it might have been enjoyable. Instantly he felt shame for admitting that to himself.
"After this darling Hank we shall have to go to the Louvre so I may choose some paintings for the Hellfire Club. I think the Mona Lisa would look lovely hanging above the fireplace and it will be an easy matter to steal it,"
"I have a better idea Selene, how about going up the Eiffel Tower or looking at Notre Dame?"
"Why Hank that's a lovely idea," purred Selene kissing him again.
Hank breathed a sigh of relief thankful that he had once again managed to divert her attention away from her more controversial ideas. Perhaps he would manage to get through the night without his fur becoming completely white. Absently he plucked a couple of hairs from his mane frowning as he looked at them, held tightly in his claws.
"Stars and garters, I swear these are gray."
The mansion
Jean could sense her husband's presence and suddenly her anger with him came rushing back. She smiled as she decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. Now Dark Beast had been a sympathetic listener and she had to admit that like Hank he was rather cute in a furry, animalistic sort of way. She didn't know if it was his aftershave or something but she felt quite attracted to him and somehow she was thinking of kissing him. Admittedly he had fur but Logan was only slightly less hairy and she'd kissed him a lot of times. Yes that was it, close her eyes and pretend it was Logan. Actually when she thought about it he looked similar to Logan in the face not that she would mention that to him.
"Stars and garters, what are you doing?" gasped McCoy as Jean flung her arms around him, hugging him tight and kissing him firmly.
"Oh my god," whispered a horrorstricken Scott standing motionless in the doorway.
"Your fur is soft, softer than Logan's stubble anyway," said Jean.
There was a loud thud as Scott fainted dead away toppling to the floor.
"I hope you didn't mind that McCoy," said Jean.
"Well it was a little unexpected but enjoyable none the less and at least you left my sideburns alone," mumbled McCoy.
Logan came in and shook his head as he looked down at the unconscious Scott. He came over to Dark Beast and patted him on the shoulder in a friendly manner.
"Well have ya given any more thought as ta whether yer going ta join us until Hank comes back ta us?"
"Logan and I would both like to have you on the team," said Jean smiling.
"I'll uh think about it," muttered McCoy privately unsure whether to chastise or congratulate himself on the fact that his Eau de Beast had worked beyond his wildest expectations.
"Yes I'll join you. It'll be nice to be somewhere where I'm not universally hated for a change," he said with a fang filled grin.
Hellfire Club
"Oh the horrors, you and Jack are gay and I mean you and him doing it with him in werewolf form. That is like so sick," said Fitzroy gazing at the scene in horrified fascination.
Bobby was still in Jack's arms hugging him tightly around the neck, face buried in the werewolves shoulder sobbing quietly. Jack sighed and knew he was never going to live this down.
"Listen mate this really isn't what ya think it is,"
"Yeah right," said Fitzroy turning on his heel and leaving.
Jack sighed again and finally managed to shake off Bobby, setting him gently down on the sofa and patting him on the head while making soothing noises. Poor Bobby, he really had had a nasty fright.
"Don't ya worry mate, it's going ta be alright."
Fitzroy received an even bigger shock as he walked past the cupboard to see Creed apparently locked in a loving embrace with Steve Irwin. At present the intrepid Aussie was trying to get a look at Creed's mouth so he could check the fangs. Creed was struggling furiously trying to keep his head away.
"You know Creed I'm quite surprised about you choosing him. I mean with all the fighting you do I thought that you and Logan were tight," said Fitzroy.
Creed snarled and twisting his head round sank his fangs into Fitzroy's foot, easily tearing through the leather of his boot. Fitzroy's beard bristled as he yelped in pain and then he began hopping around in agony clutching his injured foot.
"Yeow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!" wailed Fitzroy.
"Serves ya right bub," growled Creed.
"Naughty Sabretooth, did you see him sink those fangs into that fellow's foot? Yes he's a naughty boy."
Mansion infirmary
"You know Xorn I thought my day couldn't have possibly got any worse but it just did. I mean it was bad enough Sinister telling me off for having an affair and possibly destroying my marriage to Jean. Then he says how disappointed he is that we haven't had any children yet and to cap it all he suggests a marriage guidance counselor. Then I come home and find that not only has Hank's lunatic double been made to feel one of the family but my wife is getting passionate with him. Oh I think I'm going to die," moaned Scott.
"I suggest you get some sleep. These will help you calm down," said Xorn as he administered the tranquilizers.
There was the smell of sulfur and brimstone as Kurt teleported into the infirmary. He had come at once when Xorn had called him. Blackheart had asked to see a priest apparently wanting some spiritual guidance. So he called a priest who happened to look like a demon to see a real demon who though he might be in need of the word of God. Still stranger things happened in the X-Men.
"He's over there Kurt. Thank you for coming,"
"No problem mein freund, I'm always happy to help anyone in need," replied Kurt.
Kurt went over to Blackheart's bed where the demon hastily put away the bottle of whisky and Prozac.
"Now I'm here my son," said Kurt.
"Oh thank you," said Blackheart.
Paris
"Oh Hank I've found you at last," purred Cassandra Nova.
Hank was thankful that Selene was presently in the lady's room applying some more makeup. He managed to suppress the urge to scream in terror at Cassandra's ghastly appearance, mutton dressed as lamb didn't begin to cover it.
"Now Hank I want us to become close, let me be your lover."
"Thank you ma'am but the answer is no."
"Why is that might I ask?"
"For a start you're directly responsible for the destruction of Genosha and the deaths of sixteen million innocent mutants, you tried to conquer the Shi'ar Empire and kill Xavier. Also the first time we met you subjected me to severe mental torture and forced Beak to beat me into a coma with a baseball bat. So I don't really see any reason why you think we have any chance of becoming anything other than deadly enemies."
"So we got off to a bad start but that doesn't mean we can't be friends at least," whispered Cassandra.
"Get your hands off my Black King!" shrieked a returning Selene.
"Stars and garters, for mercy's sake just let it all end now!" howled Hank.