Chapter 19 – Watching and Sleeping

I'm feeling the relief in every part of my body. She's going to be ok. It was close. Too close. Even with me working at the school, she nearly didn't make it. She wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for Spike.

I know it's not the first time I've had reason to thank him, but it's so much bigger than anything else. He's given me back my sister. I feel guilty too. The thing is, I finished my work twenty minutes before I left my office. One of the English teachers, Steve Jenssen, came in for a chat. He started by suggesting I keep a particular eye on one of the students, but that was just an excuse. He just wanted to chat to me. He even went so far as asking if I wanted to see a movie with him.

It's been so long since I've had someone show that sort of interest in me. Unless you count Spike, of course, but he was never into the 'Movie and Dinner' type of date. Come to think of it, he might have been, but I never gave him the chance. There was Richard at my party last year, but he really wasn't my type. Steve was very different. True to his name, he's a Nordic type - tall, blonde, blue eyed. He plays just about every sport invented. I suppose, physically, he's a bit like Riley. It did me good to see he's interested. It's not good in other ways. I don't feel up to embarking on a relationship just now, even without the added need to protect my sister. I'm going to have to get used to so much, I'm different, and Spike is too. I don't want to muddy things up by introducing another person to the mix. So, I told Steve I couldn't see a movie with him, but I get the feeling he's not going to give up.

I watch Dawn, sleeping peacefully. I don't know what I'd have done if she had died. The funny thing is, it would have destroyed Spike too. If I ever doubted his feelings for my sister, I couldn't after tonight. He was as scared as I was.

I think back. After he described how he knew Dawn was scared, I knew I felt it too, I just didn't recognise it. After that, though, I felt it again, but I knew it was Spike's fear I was feeling. Somehow, something has linked the three of us.

It's just Giles and me now. The others have gone, and I'm glad. Except, I wish Spike was here. Giles is great, but somehow, his presence isn't as comforting as Spike's was. I don't understand it. There was a time when it would have been different.

Spike wanted to stay. I know he did. But, Xander would have made a fuss, and I couldn't take that tonight. So, I told Spike to go. It's like before. I'm too weak to stand up to my friends, and he takes the brunt of it. He was hurt, I saw it on his face. The difference from before his soul was that he wasn't angry. He took the rejection as his place, and that almost broke my heart.

Giles knows I don't need chatter. He's been listening as I've told him how scared I was, but he hasn't felt the need to talk to me. Now the drama is over, I know I should ask him how the research is going.

"I've found another passage," he says in response to my question. "The first couple of books I found only had restatements of what I had already found. Earlier today, Anya brought me a copy of volume eight. It had some further writing, but it's pretty cryptic. I'm not sure I understand all of it."

"So, what does it say?" I ask.

"Well," he pulls a folded sheet of paper from the pocket of his jacket, and reads.

"There will come a time when the key must be hidden from those who wish to expend its power before due time. The Key will be given human form, but the human chosen for the task will live out of her time. She will be given to those who will protect her with everything that they are."

"Not so cryptic," I tell him, taking the paper from his hand and reading it again . "I mean, we already know that. The Key was hidden, and Dawn was the human they made to hide it. She was given to me because they knew I would protect her."

"But what about the statement that she will live out of her time? What about her being given to those, not one person, but those, who will protect her?"

"It just means all of us. You, me, Willow, Xander, and Spike."

"I think it's simpler than that. I think it means you and Spike. He's a major player in this. I don't understand why, but he is. He certainly wouldn't have been my first choice if I had to give the job of protector of the innocent to someone."

"Giles, I don't know why either, but you can't fault what he did today. He knew she was scared. If he hadn't recognised that, she would be dead. He saved her life today."

He doesn't say anything to that. I can see he's thinking about the implications of what has happened. It certainly means that Dawn can't be allowed to get far from us.

We sit quietly for a while longer, and I can tell by the way he's fidgeting that he's got something on his mind.

"What is it?" I ask. "You're squirming in that chair. I know it's not the most comfortable seat in the world, but you're not usually so squirmy."

He takes a deep breath, apparently deciding whether or not to tell me. I can see he's considering not saying anything else, but then I see the realisation that he knows I won't let it drop. I'll keep pestering until I find out.

"Buffy, since we heard from Spike about the changes in, well, in both of you, I've wanted to do some tests. I'd like to check both of you out in terms of strength, speed, agility and so on. Similar to the standard Slayer appraisal tests that I've done before."

"No problem, Giles. But that's not what was on you mind, was it?"

"Well, partly. There's another series of tests I'd like to have done. I have a contact. He's a doctor, but he's also interested in the non human population of Sunnydale. He's helped me on things before. I'd like him to do a complete physical on both of you. See what's changed. It's important that we understand your new strengths and weaknesses. You never know when it might be important. And, ..."

"And, ..." I mimic him. This is the crunch.

"And, I'd like to do the same with Dawn."

"But why? She's human. The spell proved that."

"Yes, she is. The reason I want her included is as a baseline. She's your nearest blood relative. I want to compare her with you. I need to understand how you would be if these changes hadn't happened. I know you were the Slayer before, and if we could get some DNA from then, that would be ideal, but even with that, the information I can get from Dawn will be essential."

"I'm not the person you need to ask. It'll be up to Dawn. And Spike, for that matter, since you need to get him tested, too."

"Naturally I'll ask them. I just wanted to get your approval first."

"Well, I can't really argue with the logic. It does make sense that we understand our capabilities now."

We sit in silence for a while, contemplating the young woman on the bed. I remember when she came home for the first time. I remember her excitement on her first day at school. I remember her childhood, the times she spent with Mom and Dad. And none of it was real.

Giles heads off to get some coffee, and I put my head on Dawn's bed, pulling her hand into mine. I'm surprised how tired I am. I know I'm drifting off, but I don't care.

*-*-*

I come back bearing two cups of coffee, and find Buffy sleeping with her head on Dawn's bed. It's good to see her sleep. She was so tense earlier, not surprising really. Naturally she was frantic with worry about her sister. But I felt so inadequate. It's the Watcher's role to watch while others do the fighting and dying.

I almost let her see what was on my mind. I thought she was so wrapped up in relief about Dawn that she wouldn't see my guilty conscience. Just as well I had the whole thing about the tests to tell her about. I've been meaning to mention it for a while, but, with everything else that's happened, it kept being forgotten.

The thing is, I've exhausted my contacts regarding the remaining volumes of the Bartholomew Texts. The only other option I've got is the Council of Watchers. I know Buffy won't like the Council knowing anything about Dawn. They never did find out that she was the Key, and they're not going to now.

I've come to the conclusion that I need access to the Council library. Now, if I fly over there, someone is going to ask some questions. And most of the people I could ask to check for me, will report my interest to people I'd rather not be involved at all. Then I remembered Jimmy Donaldson. He's a friend of sorts. I mean, he's not someone I've ever socialised with. He's very, well, down to earth is Jimmy. But, he's good. He can find his way through ancient texts like no one else I know. Thing about Jimmy is, he's not interested in the whole picture. He gets so involved in the detail, he never actually understands what is really going on.

I'm sure I could come up with a good enough cover story to get him to check the texts I'm interested in. And, he'd do it, and send me the results without worrying about it. I know he would. I'm so sure, I had intended to call him in the morning. I think I still will.

I spend some time watching these two girls sleep. Buffy's been like a daughter to me for a long time. And Dawn, well, I know I have memories of her from before she existed, but she's my other daughter. The thought that Dawn could have died today, and what that would have done to Buffy, is enough to scare me. I've already lived in a world without Buffy. As the Slayer, she came with a short expiry date. The recent information received courtesy of Spike suggests that she may do better that the others, but there is no guarantee. And I'd like to think that I'll die an old man and leave Buffy and Dawn to mourn me. That is as it should be.

What did surprise me was Spike. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised me. I remember the night Buffy died. He was broken. The rest of us, well, except Dawn, we were bereaved, wondering how life could go on without her. But we knew it could. Spike and Dawn weren't like that. They were completely torn apart by her death, and I don't think either of them would have survived without the other.

Seeing Spike tonight was a little like seeing Spike after that awful day at the tower. It shocked me. The Council has always insisted that demons cannot feel the finer human emotions. I started to reconsider that dogma when I saw his reaction to Buffy's death. Then, knowing that Buffy is no longer human, that sealed if for me. I don't know how general my new theory is, but I know that demons can love. Two of them at least.

The connection between the three of them is surprising. They're like a family. It hurts a little. I consider Buffy and Dawn to be my family, the daughters I never had, but with Spike there, I don't feel I belong any more. I think that's what upsets Xander so much. He feels his rightful place has been usurped, but maybe it was never his in the first place.

Now, there's a surprising thought. It almost implies that Spike is meant to be central in their lives. Now, that's something I'd rather not consider right now.