Chapter 21 - The Painful Truth
Sam is mad at me, and I can't blame her. She didn't know I'd used our last visit to separate Buffy and Spike. She wouldn't understand it.
We drive back to the base in silence. When we arrive, she quietly walks into our quarters, picks up my toothbrush and a change of clothes and hands them to me.
"I think you should find somewhere else to sleep tonight," she says with an unnatural calm before turning her back on me and heading off to shower.
I know I was wrong not to tell her, but I don't see what else I could do. How could I explain how important it is to me that Buffy's not sleeping with a vampire? I couldn't cope with losing her because of a demon. I didn't know he was responsible at the time, that particular revelation only came later. She wouldn't believe I did it because of friendship, and she's already wary of my past with the Slayer, even though she's done her best to hide her insecurity.
The truth is that throughout our time together, the spectre of Angel hung over us. She was getting over him, I know that, and for a while I thought he was responsible for her not being able to love me. And, he might have been, at least partly to blame. Now, I know better. She always had a thing for Spike, and seeing the proof hurt worse than anything else ever has.
I picture Buffy's face tonight. I've never seen her so angry. I mean, Buffy's not exactly what you'd call 'even tempered'. I guess it all goes with the whole 'Chosen One' thing. But tonight, she was so angry that for a split second I actually feared for my life. But, instead of the expected violence, all I got was a coldness that was even more painful.
I want to talk to Sam, try to explain, but I know now's not a good time. I leave our quarters and head to an adjacent room I know is empty. I throw my meagre belongings inside and head back out. I'm tempted to go back to the lab, but the way I feel tonight, I'd only make mistakes.
As I drive, I try to think about the mission, and find myself recalling Sam's enthusiasm of earlier in the evening. She's spent the whole time we've been here painstakingly trying to unearth the object she found on her first visit to the dig site. Her description is certainly interesting. She says it's like one of those discharge globes you find in gift shops. You know, when you touch the transparent sphere, the green glow arcs to your finger. But, to find that in rock that's been undisturbed on thousands of years, well, it's amazing.
It's a sphere, and she estimates it's about ten inches in diameter. She says there's an occasional pinkish flash from it, but nothing too spectacular yet. She's hoping to finish unearthing it tomorrow, and she wants to bring it straight in. Of all the objects we've found at the site, this one sounds unique. Not that we've worked out what the others are. The materials seem to be polymers we've never seen before. They're certainly not Carbon-based. They have properties to die for. Strength and elasticity to rival steel. Optical purity to rival the best lenses we can make. If we can find out how to make these materials, we'll have a potential military advantage unparalleled in human history.
First indications are that the artefacts are not human in origin. It's hard to be sure when you don't know their purpose, but the current theory is that there was an advanced group of sub-T's living around Sunnydale before humans arrived. It's exciting, and I know I'm privileged to be involved. I just wish we hadn't had to come back to Sunnydale, and I can't wait to get out.
I find I've driven to a cemetery. Not any cemetery. Spike's cemetery. I wasn't actually giving any conscious thought to where I was going. Still, it seems like as good a place as any. I get out, and head for his crypt.
I kick the door and get my first surprise. It's locked. Since when has Spike locked his door? A few seconds later, I hear a voice from inside.
"Yes, can I help you?"
I don't recognise the voice, but I know it's not Spike.
"Where's Spike?" I demand.
"He's not here. He doesn't live here any more."
I'm not convinced, but I'm no longer able to force the door. Right now, I'd give a lot to have the increased strength of my time with the Initiative. The door's heavy, and my original kick hasn't made any impression on it. I give up, and start patrolling. I need to hit something, and if it can't be Spike, then I guess any demon will do. Anyway, this way, I can see if Spike comes back.
I walk for half an hour before I find a single vampire. He's rising from a grave in front of me looking bemused. I reach into my pocket for the stake that I keep on me all the time. We start to fight, and it looks like it's going to be an easy win for the good guys. I'm just raising my arm to stake the hapless creature, when I hear a sound from behind. The next thing I know, I'm jumped on by another vampire. I'm pulled off the first, and it's immediately obvious this newcomer isn't a fledgling. He knows what he's doing, and he lands hit after hit on my body. Then, strong arms are holding me, and the beating continues. I'm struggling to remain conscious, and only the thought that my life depends on it forces me to keep with it.
To my surprise, when it must be obvious that I haven't any reserves left, instead of killing me, I'm tied up, trussed like a turkey. The rope is attached to a handy marble monument, and I'm left to watch the goings on.
Apart from the fledgling, I knew there were two others. To my surprise, I now see there are six of them. They're all checking over my fledgling, relieved when they discover he's bruised but otherwise unhurt. As one, they turn towards me.
I look at the group of them. There are three males and three females. They're all dressed similarly, but then, jeans and a T-shirt is pretty much the standard uniform of a huge swathe of young Americans. The leader, a man, apparently similar in age to me, with dark hair, cut short, and the sort of face that almost screams 'movie star' at you, looks me up and down.
"Our brother is not seriously damaged. Just as well for you. Had he been, we would have had to make you suffer before you die. Now, you will simply be his first meal."
With that, my fledgling stood up, his legs obviously a little shaky, and makes his way towards me. He lifts me up, unhooking part of the rope that holds me to the monument, and pushes my head out of his way.
"I'd put him down, if I were you," a familiar voice chimes out. I wasn't really all that keen on dying tonight, but compared to this, death seems a perfectly reasonable option. The last thing I need is for Buffy Summers to save my life.
The fledgling drops me, and follows his friends as they circle her. I hear mutterings of 'It's the Slayer', and then watch as she systematically destroys them.
She's amazing. She always was, but tonight, there's a savagery about her that I've never seen before. It occurs to me that she's angry, and that I'm the cause, but if she's noticed who she's saving, she shows no sign.
When they are all reduced to dust, she turns to where I'm sitting, still bound hand and foot. She sees my face, and takes a step backwards.
"I should just leave you here," she tells me.
"But you won't," I reply. "You save people. It's what you do. You don't care who they are, you just save them."
She doesn't say anything, just pulls at the ropes that keep me bound then stands up and starts to walk away.
"Buffy, I'm sorry," I call after her.
She spins around, and I'm shocked at what I see. The anger is barely contained.
"No, you're not," she says, and I know she's right. Given the same circumstances, I would do the same thing. I close my eyes and for a second I'm back in Spike's crypt, seeing the two of them, naked under the cover on top of a sarcophagus. The nausea I felt then starts to rise, and I open my eyes quickly and shake my head to try to rid myself of the images that remain.
"You're right," I admit. "I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that I care about you, and I'm not sorry that it killed me to see you throwing yourself away on that worthless demon. And I dare you to tell me that you're not feeling the same thing."
Her voice is quiet, yet it travels in the still night air. "You don't know a thing. You don't understand a thing. You're right though, because of what you told me, I stopped seeing Spike that night. I told him it was over. Now, maybe that was a good thing, because what we had wasn't healthy. But, do you know why that was? It was because of me. He wanted to love me, share everything with me, but I was too screwed up to be willing to give him anything. I took from him. I took his body and the pleasure it could give me. I took his sympathy, his understanding, and I gave him nothing in return. What I did to him broke him. Your interference only made sure I never got to put that right."
She pauses for a while. Her voice had been getting steadily louder as she spoke, but when she opens her mouth again, she's back to quiet.
"Do you know what he did?"
I shake my head. I don't know what she's talking about.
"Everything between us was based on violence. I used my strength to hurt him physically, and his love to hurt him emotionally. After I pushed him away, he tried to get me back. He did it by using my own tactics on me. He tried using violence - for the first time, he initiated the violence. When he realised what he'd done, that I wasn't responding the way he thought I would, he was so overcome with guilt that he left. He left Sunnydale and travelled to the other side of the world to get himself a soul."
I must have looked surprised, because she adds, "You heard me right. He got himself a soul. He endured trials, painful, agonising trials so he could have a soul. You know what he thought about Angel and his soul. You know how he hated the idea of having one, of having to cope with the guilt it would inevitably bring, but he still did it. He did it for me. To make him someone I could love."
She's crying now, and I want to comfort her, and move towards her, but she holds out an arm. "Don't you dare come any closer," she commands.
"And do you know what I realised while he was gone?"
I shake my head.
"I realised I loved him without the soul. I realised I had pushed away the one man who loved me completely. Without reservation, without wishing I wasn't the Slayer."
I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. Buffy's claiming she loved him. Yet, there's no sign they're together. So, maybe, I still did some good.
"Do you know what I remembered after I heard the truth about the eggs?"
"No."
"I remember, before you came back last time, Spike came into where I worked. Just like you did, but it was different. You came because you wanted help. He came in, just to see me, but he saw I wasn't happy working there. And I wasn't. I was so miserable. He told me to leave. I told him I needed the money. He said he could get money. You know, I never thought about that again, not until tonight. I called Clem before I came out, and he thinks my guess was right. He got involved with the eggs to get money for me. Now, I wouldn't have taken the money, but the fact remains, he did it for me."
She looks at her shoes for a minute, and I'm captivated by how vulnerable she looks. "Oh," she adds, "when I spoke to Clem, he told me someone had tried to kick down his front door. I take it that was you."
"Clem? Who's Clem?"
"He's a friend. He lives in Spike's old crypt."
"Oh, yeah, I did try to pay Spike a visit."
"Well, he doesn't live here any more. And, I promise you, Riley, if you lay one finger on him, I'll make you wish you hadn't."
Despite all the talk about loving him, I still can't believe she'd choose a demon over a human. "You can't be serious. You wouldn't do that."
"If there's one thing I've learned in the last few months, it's that there is no black and white in this world. I've found love and compassion, generosity and friendship among demons. Demons without souls. And I've found cruelty, selfishness and evil among humans with souls. Did you know Tara's dead? Killed by a human. Did you know that the man who killed her was killed by Willow. She pushed a bullet into him slowly, stitching his mouth together so she didn't have to hear him screaming. Then, she flayed him. She removed every inch of skin from his body before she killed him. And then, for an encore, she tried to kill Dawn, me, Xander, oh, and yes, she tried to end the world. So, I don't want to hear any more of your simplistic 'Demons are evil' crap. I've had more than enough of it to last a lifetime."
I'm stunned. I hadn't heard any of that. Willow, who'd have guessed?
She pauses then. It's as if she has something else to say, but she's not sure where to start. She takes a deep breath, and when she speaks, her voice is shaky.
"Something else for you to think about. When I came back, when Willow and the others brought me back, I was different. I knew it, although I didn't know why. It turns out, I'm not human either. Not any more. I've got a soul, I think, but otherwise, I'm one of those filthy demons you're so keen to eradicate. But, give credit where it's due," she says, tears spilling onto her cheeks. "What you did, the lie you made me believe, is at least part of the reason Spike and I will probably never be together. So, you did what you set out to do. You've kept me from the one man who can love me the way I need to be loved, the one man I could love. Who doesn't care who or what I am. Because, there's so much between us now, I don't know if we can ever get over it. But, as of tonight, I'm going to try. I'm going to see if we can get through this, because I think it's just the most important thing I can do just now."
With that, she turns and walks away. I consider following, but decide against it. I go back to my car, and consider what to do. I don't feel like going back to my lonely quarters. I remember Sunnydale from before. There were always places to drink in the early hours of the morning. They tend to have demons among the patrons, but, they're fairly peaceful just the same, so I head into town.
I walk into the dingy room and straight to the bar. I order a drink, and realise I've been here before. It was the night Buffy and I argued about her keeping me at arm's length over her mother's illness. It turned out that even Spike knew about it, but not me. So, here I am again, drinking because I fouled things up with Buffy.
Her last words to me are drumming in my skull. She thinks she's not human. I can guess who told her that. What I don't get, is why she believes him. Why would she believe a no good vampire, even if he's got a soul? And, has he even proved that? How do we know he didn't leave Sunnydale to set up something to kill her?
I'm startled by a hand on my shoulder. I spin around and see Xander. He's also got a drink in his hand, and he's motioning to the seat next to me.
"Feel like company, or do you want to get drunk alone?" he asks.
"Company's welcome, as long as it's human."
He sits, but neither of us speak for a while.
"So, what's up with you?" I ask him.
He shrugs, then answers, "The usual in this place. Women and demons."
"Which women, and which demons?" I ask.
"Now, oddly enough the same answer goes for both questions. Anya and Buffy."
"Don't tell me you're falling for that story about Buffy not being human? Where did it come from? As if I have to ask. And, why would you call Anya a demon?"
"I forgot you were out of the loop. Well, in order of it happening, I changed my mind about marrying Anya. I mean, I love her, but I was scared I'd turn out like my dad, and I'd end up hurting her. So, I walked away from the wedding."
He looks at me for a reaction, and he must see something on my face, because he goes on. "I know, I know, I'm a jerk. Thing is, Anya got the chance to go back to being a Vengeance Demon after that. And she accepted. The woman I nearly married is no longer human, but I still love her. I can't look at her without wanting to die inside when I realise what I've lost. But, enough about Anya. Now to Buffy. You're right, the news came from Spike. But, Giles got Willow to do a spell - one that lets you tell humans and demons apart. And, he's right. She's a demon. Something Giles's never heard of. What was it called? Eternal Souls or something. So, she and Spike are the same."
"But, Spike's a vampire, right?" I feel like I missed something important.
"Not any more," he replies, taking a long drink from his glass. "He's all comfortable with sunlight, and not fatally injured by wood in the heart. I should know, I managed to get a shot at his heart with a cross bow. He bled a lot, but no dustiness."
"You're wrong," I tell him. "You just missed his heart. You must have. Vampires don't change like that."
"Normally, you'd be right. It seems he couldn't take the soul. He dusted, and something sent him back. New body and everything. And, chipless, to boot."
This is more than I can take. Either something very strange is going on, or Spike's been doing some major brainwashing. "Are you sure the chip's gone?" I need to be sure.
"Sure as sure can be," Xander giggles as he says it. I think he's been drinking for a while. "When I went after him, he stopped me from staking him. Hurt me. Not bad, I admit, but he twisted my wrist, pushed me away. He couldn't do that before."
"But, how did you get away? You tried to stake him, so he tried to kill you, didn't he? Did Buffy save you?"
"She didn't need to. After I tried to stake him, he just stood there and waited until I put the cross bow bolt in his chest. After that, with all the blood, and not being able to stand, he wasn't in much shape to hurt me."
"So, what are you doing about it?"
"About what?" he asks, apparently confused.
"About Spike. He's having an unhealthy influence on her. And Dawn. Even if Buffy's not human, her sister is, and we've got to keep him away from Dawn."
"Kind of hard to do, considering he works at the school."
This whole situation is just getting worse. There are two demons working at Sunnydale High School, and who knows how many kids have died already.
"Have you told the Principal? The police?"
"Told them what? They're both so close to human, no one would believe me. I can't even tell them Spike tried to rape Buffy, because she won't back me up. Thing is, it's been ok."
He looks surprised at his last few words.
Now that wasn't what I expected. I know Buffy said something about Spike initiating violence, but I didn't think she meant that. Then I home in at the last sentence. "What do you mean, it's been ok?"
"I mean, up until when Dawn was attacked, there weren't any deaths at school. And those were vampires. And Spike saved Dawn from a whole bunch of them. It's as if, he actually cares. I didn't want to believe it, but I'm starting to … believe he's meant to be part of their lives. Never thought I'd say that."
It takes me several minutes and another drink before I'm ready to respond to that. "I can't believe you'd be taken in like this, Xander. You were always the one I knew felt right about this. I mean, Dawn's always had this thing about Spike, and Willow and Tara, they were always inclined to think he was worth saving or something. What about Giles? What does he think?"
"He's not saying too much. There's this prophecy, it says something's coming after Dawn and it'll take Buffy and Spike to keep her safe. So, I think he's tolerating him at the moment. I don't know how he really feels. Maybe he's just waiting to see what happens, I don't know."
"What about Anya?" I ask.
He sighs deeply. "That's the thing. If I got an idea she'd take me back, even a hint, I'd be there in a flash. I love her, demon or not, of I guess I'll take my chances. Which kinda makes me a hypocrite for wanting to save Buffy from Spike, doesn't it?"
I've heard enough, so I finish my drink. I'm not as drunk as I thought I'd be. I ask Xander if he's ready to go home. He shakes his head, and orders another drink. I head out, consider taking the car. I feel sober, but I'm probably not. I find a cab and get it to take me back to the base.
I'm tempted to go and try to talk to Sam, but a look at my watch tells me that wouldn't be a good idea. I head for my lonely bed, in my solitary room. I don't know what to do. For someone who's always prided himself on being decisive, on knowing the next step in his life, that's quite an admission. I love Sam. I love Buffy. Or at least, I did, before tonight. Can I love Buffy knowing she's not human any more? I don't know. I don't think I can, not really. I feel like I've finally lost her, and this time there's no getting her back. There's no future in loving a demon. I told her often enough, so it's time to take my own advice.
The thing is, can I put things right with Sam? I'm not even sure I know where to start.