Chapter 23 - A Meeting, A Kiss, and a Midnight Swim

I can hardly believe the nerve of the man. He ran out on me, married someone else, yet he still thinks he knows best when it comes to my life. I walk away from him, doing my best to seem calm, when I'm anything but. He never understood me. Not even when we were together. He always wanted to protect me, keep me safe, when he was the one who needed protection. Still, I reckon I've made my point now. I just saved his life. Like he said, it's what I do.

I still cringed as I told him that I'd changed. That I'm no longer human. I was waiting for the look of revulsion which my admission must cause. I don't love him. I never really did, but there was a time when I cared, when I valued his opinion, and it hurts to know that I'm now classed with all demons without regard to their present or history. I know how Riley feels about demons. He calls them 'hostiles', or even worse, 'sub-terrestrials'. By definition, anything non-human is beneath contempt.

I expected it. Revulsion, but I didn't see it. I saw, … disbelief. Yeah, that's what it was. He didn't believe me. But, I'm not sure whether I should be grateful that it's easier to imagine me a liar than it is a 'sub T'.

I'm calmer by the time I reach Revello Drive. The walk's done me good, giving me time, so why are my steps getting slower the closer I get? Because I know that at the end of my journey waits the man who suffered most through all our actions last year. Mine and Riley's. I don't know how to face him, I really don't.

I wonder if Dawn'll have told him about Riley's visit. I suspect she will. She tells him things she tells no one else. So why not? He probably knows now, that I knew Riley so little, that I couldn't spot that he was lying. And I should have known.

I open the door, and walk into the lounge. He's watching something on TV, and doesn't raise his head to acknowledge my arrival.

"Hey, Spike," I say surprised how soft my voice sounds.

He can't ignore that, so he lifts his head and smiles at me. His face is looking a little haunted again.

"Bit's in bed," he tells me. "Went up a while ago, so she should be asleep."

I nod, watching his face.

"She told you," I state, quietly.

"About Riley? Yeah, she did. Times like this I wish I could be rid of this bloody soul and just tear him to pieces."

"If it's any consolation, some vampires tried to do just that."

He looks surprised. And pleased. "What, Captain Cardboard got jumped by some vampires?"

"Yeah, there were seven of them, and they beat him up a bit. They were planning on feeding him to a fledgling, but I stopped them."

I can see it's on the tip of his tongue to ask me why, but then I see acceptance.

"Bet it hurt more being rescued by you that it would getting killed," he comments.

I stifle a giggle. "Probably."

When the danger of giggling is past, I manage to say what's on my mind. "I'm sorry."

Now he looks surprised.

"What for?"

"For not believing you about the eggs. For believing Riley. For not seeing he had an ulterior motive."

"Not for not telling me he was married?"

I shrug. "It wasn't important."

"Not important?"

"No, because I was never going to get back with him, wife or no wife."

He's nodding silently.

"Why did you want the money?" I ask.

He looks confused.

"The money for looking after the eggs," I clarify.

"Oh, you know, fags, booze, the usual."

"And where were you going to get the money so I wouldn't have to work at the Doublemeat Palace?"

He shrugs, and I see the truth in his eyes. Just when I think I couldn't care more about him, I find that I can.

I've been standing during the conversation, while he continued to sit. It's given me an advantage I don't often have at five foot two, but I don't need it any more. I walk towards the sofa where he's sitting, and sit down beside him. I take both his hands in mine, and I say, "Thank you."

He's shaking his head. "You don't have anything to thank me for."

"You're wrong. I've got so much to thank you for, that I tend to forget it, take you for granted. Everything you've done for me, or tried to do for me, or for Dawn."

"I don't look after Dawn for you. I do that for myself," he points out.

"I know. And it doesn't matter why you do it, just that you do."

He's looking at me now, straight into my eyes, and it's difficult not to lose myself in just being close to him. It feels, … right. I can't help myself, I lean forward and kiss him on the lips. The kiss is gentle at first, but the heat builds quickly as he responds. Soon, we both need to break for air, and he pulls away. To my surprise, he stands up.

"Buffy, I'd … I'd better go. I don't want you to be grateful to me. I don't want you to do anything you'll regret later, and we both know that if we go on with that, I won't be able to stop. And I won't do that to you again. Never."

Before I can answer, he's gone, out of the house. I was going to say that I didn't kiss him out of gratitude. I kissed him for the same reasons I did before. I want him. So much, his leaving has me feeling almost unbearably alone. But, there was also another reason why I kissed him. I love him. I love him so much, that the prospect of being without him is unbearable.

I scared him. I scared him by offering him something he wants, but without making sure he understands how I feel. I told him once that I didn't trust him. He's managed to earn my trust. Now, I've got to find a way to earn his.

*-*-*

My thoughts are in turmoil as I get into my car. She kissed me. And, immediately I was back there, wanting nothing so much as to take her there, immediately, satisfying the ache that her presence causes. Needing her, so badly it hurts. One kiss, and it ignited everything I've tried to subdue since I got back.

I ran. I'd never have considered myself a coward, but this is one battle I'll never win. I can't have her as a sign of gratitude, and then leave it alone. I can't start something like that if I can't finish it. I can't taste her again, just to lose her. It would kill me. It would kill her. That's what she told me before. That being with me was killing her.

I drive away. I need to do something. I need to fight, to kill. I think about Riley, and I consider what I'd do if I met him. So, it'd be best if I don't meet him. Not for a long time.

Instead, I drive for a long time, not knowing where I'm going. I pass the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, and feel no inclination to drive over it. I have no real inclination to do anything, just keep driving, turning off the road at a junction I've never noticed before. I find my way to a car park next to the ocean. It's deserted, and my senses tell me I'm completely alone. On a whim, I strip off, and head for the water. If I can't kill Riley, then I need something else. A cold shower might work, but, a late night, no, early morning swim might help too.

The water's cold. I wade until the water's waist deep, then dive forwards, pulling myself through the water, further and further from the beach. I keep going, not caring how far out I'm going, not caring about anything other than the cold, and the ache in my muscles. I'm swimming at a punishing pace. I haven't felt anything like this since, since, the last time I fought Buffy. I almost laugh at the idea. I pause, treading water, thinking about my life. I consider just swimming until I can't swim any further, but knowing my luck, that benighted child would just send me back again. I've still got a job to do. I've still got to keep Dawn safe. I know that whatever happens, I'm not going to get out of this easily. I turn around, and swim back to the shore, my progress much slower this time as I try to quell the insane giggling that's bubbling through me. I'm imagining what I'd say to explain killing myself after all that I promised to do. I pull myself onto the sandy beach, helpless with laughter.

It's funny, really funny. I was on the verge of ending my existence, when I realise I just got one of my dearest wishes. Buffy. She kissed me. She isn't afraid of me any more. She isn't disgusted with me. There was a time that would have made me the happiest man on earth. It's not her fault it's not enough any more. I need her to love me, just a fraction of the way I love her. I need her to want to spend the rest of her life with me. To live with me. To be in every part of my life.

I ignore the sand covering my body, just walk to the car. I pull on my jeans, wincing as the sand scratches, then drive home.

When I park outside my flat, I sit for a moment, and the laughter starts again. I laugh until I'm aching, and then I laugh some more. I'm scared to stop laughing, because that's when I'll start to cry.

I force myself out of the car, keeping the laugher to a minimum, opening the door of my flat and locking it behind me. I turn on the shower, cold, of course, and rinse off the sand, drying myself roughly. My control is slipping with every moment.

I throw myself on my bed, desperate to sleep before the tears start. Of course, I fail. It's what I do. I fail.