An Annoying Aussie God Arises

New Orleans

"I like clowns, clowns are funny, and hey I look like a clown don't I. Yes I'm so funny like a great big bunny, I'm a clown," babbled Sinister quietly in the corner. He looked up with a rather vacant gaze in his burning red eyes and a rather worrying tic in his cheeks. Then he began giggling quietly at first and then descending into manic chortles reminiscent of a hyena.

The unfortunate Nathaniel Essex had suffered terribly at the hands of Steve Irwin and that brilliant if twisted mind with it's mastery of genetics and obsession with the Summers family was no more. To put it bluntly there was nobody at home inside his head; he was completely and utterly insane now. Still howling with laughter Sinister began slowly rocking backwards and forwards chanting about how he was a merry little pangolin in blue silk pajamas.

If the effect of the Crocodile Hunter on Sinister had been devastating it had apparently been even worse for Cassandra Nova. The bald elderly woman in the revealing black dress was lying facedown across the table unmoving and apparently deceased. Could it be that Cassandra Nova, scourge of the Shiar Empire, destroyer of Genosha, psychic twin to Charles Xavier and omnipotent and psychotic female super-villain had met her final end at the hands of Steve Irwin? Well there was a body so it could be a possibility but unfortunately that wasn't the case. The psychic entity had simply decided to vacate her old body and take over Steve Irwin's instead. It was simplicity itself to possess him since he was already pretty mindless so put up no resistance to her taking him over. A combination of Cassandra Nova and Steve Irwin, surely this was the stuff of nightmares?

"Crikey would you get a load of this, a naughty Sheila took over my mind and now she's going to use me to take over the world. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I shall be unstoppable with all my powers combined with this practically indestructible body, plus as an added bonus no more worrying about which dress to wear. Look out Selene and Hank, Cassie's coming at you,"

Cassandra Nova paused to admire her new reflection in a wineglass; she took one look at her elderly frumpy body and grinned. When she won she'd have the pick of any body she desired so she'd probably go for Selene's so she'd have beauty as well as power. Then she'd finally get a boyfriend just like she always wanted, if only men would fall in love with women for their minds but it was the sad truth that looks went a long way. Cassandra giggled to herself and went over to Sinister. She patted him on the head and he looked up vacantly.

"Sinister, teleport for mummy now, there's a dear,"

"Red and green, white and blue, that is what I now will do," babbled the insane villain.

The two vanished as they teleported to New York and at that moment the body of Cassandra Nova stirred, looked at itself and gave a piercing scream.

"Crikey I've been turned into a Sheila," exclaimed Steve, not happy at all with his new look.

Hellfire Club

"Nice to see you back with us Blackheart, just in time for you to help me set up for later. I'll need you to get me some catnip of the freshest and most potent variety. That's all I need now since I've already got the rubber truncheon, the seven silver teaspoons, the broom and the ostrich feather, not forgetting the raw steak of course," said Selene.

Blackheart was speechless for a moment; the costume Selene was wearing was rather risqué even for her. It looked as though all she was wearing was several black silk handkerchiefs together with thigh-high black leather boots and one of her long black capes. Blackheart found he was blushing and was thankful he'd taken the precaution of gulping down a few Prozac. Whatever had he been thinking when he decided to go back to Selene and why had he started to miss her. Quite probably because he was a masochist, either that or he had gone completely mad. Obviously he hadn't been paying enough attention to her as the bullwhip cracked accusingly in his direction.

"Blackheart sweetie, in your own time of course," breathed Selene in a menacing purr.

"Oh a thousand pardons oh pulchritudinous one, I was enraptured by your dazzling beauty. Pray tell me what you need the catnip for; you aren't playing those games with Creed again are you? I mean last time even with his healing factor he nearly had a cardiac arrest,"

"Oh no I'm just preparing for my Black King, the catnip ought to loosen up his inhibitions a little and then my fabulous furry feline fiancée will be ready to join in the fun. I might even be able to persuade him to marry me,"

"Forgive me mistress but I doubt Hank will approve of these sorts of activity's, he's a very moral person and when you last suggested them I believe he uttered 'stars and ga-', before fainting dead away," protested Blackheart, he still shuddered even to think about that little game.

"Oh you'd be surprised Blackheart, beneath that gentle soft blue cuddly exterior beats the heart of a man as wild and feral as Logan or Creed. You should have seen him earlier when he was being all growling, snarling and savage, it was very sexy. You know he really does live up to the name Beast," sighed Selene closing her eyes and remembering Hank's anger.

"I shall er, go and get the catnip, yes I'll do that and then I'll have some more Prozac and half a bottle of whisky. Then I shall retire to my bed because all of a sudden I don't feel at all well," gulped Blackheart.

The demon tugged nervously on his dinner jacket and then vanished. Selene shook her head and then looked in the mirror. How would Hank be able to resist her dressed like that? For all his superior intellect and gentlemanly manner he was still male and no man could resist her for long. Anyway she was sure he'd enjoy the evening especially the highlight where she would drain Fitzroy of all his energy to replenish her youth and leave him a wizened husk. That would teach him to keep his mouth shut in future. A smile slowly played across Selene's face and she cast a quick summoning spell.

"Hello Trish, I've decided to make this evening even more pleasurable for Hank by having you doused in catnip and then setting Victor Creed on you. It should be most entertaining to watch," purred the evil External.

She cackled maliciously as Trish shivered in fear.

X-Mansion

Hank was taking the opportunity to relax, enjoying the benefit of everyone going out of their way to be polite and respectful to him. It seemed his little display of the angry side of the Beast had put everyone in awe of him and he'd succeeded in intimidating even Logan and Creed. All it took was just one glance from yellow eyes, a flexing of claws or even just showing his fangs to send the two feral men flinching back in fear. Hank knew he really shouldn't be enjoying frightening them so much but the opportunity really was too good to miss. Anyway this would probably be his last chance for any peace and quiet for a long while. He couldn't stall Selene forever and sooner or later if he wasn't by her side she'd come looking for him. Hank doubted that any of them could cope with another of her visits, poor Beak's eyes would probably pop out of their sockets.

"Yes Beak, I suppose I am 'lucky' that a woman like Selene has taken such an interest in me. No we haven't done anything of the sort yet and I certainly wouldn't be so foolish to tell an adolescent male mutant if I had. No Beak I really don't think I'd go in for that sort of thing, I mean whatever have you been reading, stars and garters, I really don't want to know," groaned Hank holding his head in his paws.

"Hank, what's the matter, oh you're not going to hit me, please don't hit me, not like Mr. Logan hit me," begged Beak.

"No I would never hit my student no matter what the provocation. Please if you want to help then fetch me some aspirin," sighed Hank.

In his way Beak's seeming obsession with Selene was every bit as annoying as Fitzroy's obsession with the sexuality of the male members of the Inner Circle. Speaking of which maybe he shouldn't have let himself be talked into rescuing Fitzroy from the Hellfire Club roof. The way the door had closed when Jack and Yuriko had decided to have a little 'talk' with the poor fellow had been rather ominous. Those screams as well surely hadn't come from any human throat and they'd chilled Hank to his very marrow. He was sure that Yuriko scraping her adamantium talons together and Jack's renditions of various seventies pop hits constituted cruel and unusual punishment.

"Black King I'd like ta ask yer permission ta personally rip Logan's freakin head off," growled Creed popping his head around the door.

"Sorry but I can't allow you to do that. Don't look so disappointed I refused Logan as well. Look if you must brawl then take it outside. I don't want Scott giving himself a hernia over the repair bills and if Xorn has to deal with any more patients tonight I think he'll have a nervous breakdown,"

Creed tried his hardest to look sweet and appealing but the effort was doomed to failure from the start, fierce amber eyes, shaggy muttonchops, sharp fangs wild blonde hair didn't go well with a puppy dog look. Growling under his breath he decided to go and work out his frustrations in the Danger Room. A few minutes later Creed came running back with a terrified look on his face. He leapt up into Hank's arms and hugged him tightly.

"Stars and garters, whatever is the matter now,"

"B-Bobby's set the D-d-danger R-r-room, up as B-b-barney W-w-world," stuttered Sabretooth.

"Stars and freaking garters," gasped Hank in dismay

Hellfire Club

Cassandra Nova howled with joy as Selene's second fireball bounced straight off Steve Irwin's seemingly indestructible body. Still tied to her chair in the corner Trish screamed and Blackheart accompanied her with a wail of his own as the devastating battle raged all around them. The rest of the guards and guests of the Hellfire Club had long since fled when Cassandra first arrived. Now the building was a shattered ruin but still the two of them were fighting it out amidst the rubble. Selene was cursing as spell after spell had no effect and she knew she would have been destroyed by now if it wasn't for Cassandra's state of distraction.

"Crikey would you take a look at this gorgeous Sheila, get a load of this naughty demon. Hold it right there, I've had enough of this body, I'm changing it for a new one," muttered Cassandra.

She was starting to act like the Crocodile Hunter becoming obnoxious as well as omnipotent, irritating as well as menacing with a propensity for saying 'Crikey' and she was getting uncontrollable urges to wrestle with a crocodile. Every time she thought of finishing Selene, destroying her utterly she became distracted and the moment was lost. Steve Irwin may have been many things but he certainly didn't hold with harming anyone except by possibly annoying them to death. What was left of him inside Cassandra's borrowed form was fighting back with all its might. Cassandra finally decided to give up this body and jump to the next available one which happened to belong to Trish Tilby. As she departed Steve's body it collapsed to the floor and thinking quickly Selene banished the corpse to limbo.

"Very sensible my dear but now I shall destroy you thoroughly since I'm not a nice woman," cackled Trish in Cassandra's voice as she untied her ropes.

"My love for Hank shall guide my heart and the power of the human heart is one against which your evil shall never prevail," declared Selene.

The cloyingly sweet platitude nauseated Cassandra, distracting her for a vital few seconds and allowing Selene to literally rip Trish Tilby apart on the molecular level destroying the unfortunate reporter once and for all. Cassandra forced back into her psychic energy form hovered menacingly in the air in front of Selene hissing in impotent fury.

"You've won the battle but I shall win the war, I'll be back just as soon as I get myself a new body,"

She vanished to begin the long search for a suitable new host already plotting numerous ways to gain revenge. Blackheart was so relieved at her departure that he'd decided to go back into a catatonic state and Selene was feeling rather exhausted after her grueling battle.

"I'll forget about the games for tonight and I'm going to be awfully busy rebuilding this place tomorrow. Time for a rest I think."

X-Mansion

"Now Bobby you won't be doing anything to upset Creed again will you. Also it is not a good idea to douse Jack and Logan with Nair and certainly the worst possible idea to claim you were under Mastermind's telepathic influence. As for the pink dye incident with McCoy and telling the students that you had naked pictures of Emma Frost and Remy Lebeau, that was low even for you," said Hank in a deceptively gentle tone.

Bobby gulped and nodded eagerly, he was rather nervous since he was being dangled by his shirt collar of the mansion roof. He knew Hank wouldn't really let him fall, no he hoped he wouldn't but he just wasn't sure, not after seeing Hank get so angry. He was so relieved when Hank hauled him back to safety that he threw his arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you Hank, I knew you would be merciful and oh man, I'm never going to play another prank again honestly. You really aren't going to punish me are you?"

"No Bobby, I won't punish my best friend," said Hank grinning rather sinisterly.

"Thanks buddy, hey where are we going?"

"I'm not going to punish you, I'm leaving you to McCoy since he has a far more twisted and devious imagination than I do. Don't worry he gave me his word that he wouldn't kill you, hopefully he'll stick to it."

Bobby looked so terrified that Hank almost relented, almost.

Hank's room

"Stars and garters, I'm glad that I'm finally back to my own bed. I mean I think I've more than earned a good night's sleep now. No more Selene until tomorrow, no more X-men or Hellfire Club to deal with until then and McCoy ensures me that Bobby's uncontrollable nasal hair growth will be temporary. I've survived one more day and that's something to be thankful for," sighed Hank.

"Yeah I think yer right Hank, ya have earned yer rest, me I'm going fer a drink with McCoy. I think there's one tavern that we're still welcome in. Do ya think Creed will ever come down from that tree?"

"One day perhaps he will. Goodnight Logan,"

"See ya bub,"

Hank yawned and stretched his muscles looking forward to his head hitting the pillow and getting a solid eight hours of sleep. He opened the door, superior vision letting him see well enough in the darkness. Too tired to do anything else he simply kicked off his boots and shrugged off his jacket and just flopped straight down on the bed. He could have sworn he smelt Selene but it was probably just his tired mind playing tricks on him. The feeling of the fur on his forearm being ruffled was probably just his imagination as well. Only when someone started tickling the soles of his feet did he realize it was no dream.

Growling Hank switched on the bedside lamp and revealed Selene in a rather nice black nightgown.

"Hello Hank, I thought I'd come and spend the night with you. You won't mind will you?"

"No I'll sleep on the floor, please none of your games though, I'm just too tired," moaned Hank.

"Then I'll just tell you a bedtime story and perhaps settle for a goodnight kiss," she soothed.

"Yeah whatever," sighed Hank just too tired to put up any resistance. Surrender seemed the best option.