*please note, for the purpose of my own fiction series, Scully's child was
a daughter called Melissa as the stories containing her child were written
pre-William episodes
Set Me Free
For no more than a decade I was a part of something I cannot even begin to explain. Yet, as the days and weeks go on, I feel that the best years of my life were and always will be, my X-file years. When I joined the Bureau back in 1992, I assumed I would be working with another agent on your usual FBI cases, but now I know not what a normal case is. I am no longer the skeptical woman who follows the book, I am Dana Scully: The Rebel Extrodinair.
My superiors blame motherhood, personally I know it is a much deeper problem than that. For many years I devoted my time and my life to a man who was so bent up on believing in everything that he lost track of what reality was, and that is how he ended up in the heavens above. That solitary loss is what brought me on this path of utter destruction.
Truthfully I know that I can't turn back time and change things, my experience investigating the X-files has taught me that we cannot change what has been fated for us, only wait tragically for our ending to come. I've lost many loved ones in my life, the sadness I felt then couldn't measure up against the pain and sorrow I feel now. When I think about things in retrospect, I see that I miss a nutter more than I miss my family members. But he's not a nutter. That's only what people think. I know the real him, the heart and the soul that pined for love; to be loved.
Back in 1992 when we first met, things between us were uncomfortable, we were strangers thrown together to save the world. Actually I was sent to debunk his work, a mission I never completed, in fact I never started it. I couldn't, not after what I saw. Case after case we traveled across this fair country of ours searching for the unexplainable, for that little piece of evidence that was always just out of our reach. We were teased and eluded with what we assumed to be the truth, figures of the truth, mainly Mulder's sister Samantha, the one thing he longed to be given back. Tragically, the truth he was searching for had finally be revealed to him, but it was never what he wanted it to be.
As I sit here in this room looking at four walls, I too am searching for a truth. I want answers to unanswerable questions, it's a feeling I've grown to know and despise. There are men, like there always have been, they never have an identity and I cannot tell if they are here for my well being or my demise. Either way, I will never trust them. I never have and I never will. If its one thing I learned from Mulder it was that in this twisted and cruel world of ours you can trust no one.
The door opens and to my surprise, Assistant Director Skinner comes in.
"Sir what are you doing here?", I ask.
He pulls up a chair and sits opposite me. "Agent Scully, things have gone too far this time. You've become the man you were sent to debunk many years ago". He pulled out a white form and handed it to me and sighed. "They've taken your job from you".
I felt things around me spin. The prospect of getting a single mother pension dashed through my mind. In the sight of my eyes I could see my dear daughter and I in the snows during winter. My foolishness had pulled the foundation out from under her, she wouldn't get the start in life that she deserved.
"Do you understand what I'm saying Agent Scully?", he spoke.
I couldn't answer him. I couldn't speak. For years Mulder told me of the agenda within the legal walls of our occupation. He knew the day would come when things would be closed down for good. It wasn't so much the fact that I was out of a job that bothered me, I had let down the life of a young baby who depended on me. And I had let down Mulder. After he was gone I took it upon myself to continue the journey that consumed so much of his life. I kept pushing the limits and I knew that finally I'd pushed too far, I'd crossed the line.
"Agent Scully are you hearing me?".
"They've finally closed him down", I replied.
"What are you saying?".
"For years they wanted to shut Mulder down, close the X-files and rid the Bureau of the embarrassment he had caused them. Now they've finally gone and done it".
"Mulder's gone, this has nothing to do with him".
"Yes Sir it does. I was Mulder and he was me, together we were one. He did go, and I have continued his mission. I won't let it go, not without a fight".
His eyes pierced mine, then looked me up and down. "You're still grieving Agent Scully".
"I'm not grieving Sir, I'm protecting what has been treasured for so long. I won't let you or any of those...those rat bastards kill something that is still very much alive. Someone who is still alive, who never died. Its he who still keeps the X-files going".
"You're confusing your grief Agent Scully. Look at you, you're talking about Mulder as if he's still alive and working with you".
I stood up and looked down at him, "he's never gone damn it!", I yelled. My eyes welled up and I could feel the tears coming.
Skinner stood as well, keeping his eyes locked with mine. He strode around to me and grabbed my shoulders. "Scully you have a child to look after. He lives in that child. Other than that, you've got to get your act together".
It was then that I broke down in tears. I don't know why, but I found myself sliding to the ground and wanting to curl up and die. Too many things were against me. "I can't leave the FBI, I can't leave the X-files", I sobbed, "I have to keep him alive".
He crouched down next to me, "he's not the X-files, the x-files were him. Now that he's gone, the X-files have gone too".
His words stabbed me in the heart, finally it was all beginning to sink in, he was gone for good. I cried harder until I felt I had no energy to cry anymore.
Skinner pulled me into his arms. His next words were softer, kinder. "Perhaps we can plead grievance. They'll give you some time off and then maybe we can get your job back. But you've got to leave the X-files alone now".
* * * * *
That afternoon Skinner had me put in a car and driven down to Cape Hatteras. My young daughter was left in the capable hands of my mother who more than agreed to look after her under the circumstances.
I remember sitting in the back seat of the car thinking about the many times I'd been in the car with Mulder. We passed through many towns, often I wished he would stop and let me out. But after he was gone, I couldn't stop, I kept going on for him because I knew I had to.
Millions of images raced through my mind, parts of conversations replayed their tune as we traveled along the deserted road. I wanted to cry but I felt I couldn't, I had to be strong. Leaving Washington for a few days wasn't going to change things, I was still going to go back to the X-files. It was now up to me to show the world what had been hidden from them for so long.
As evening feel, we reached my temporary holiday home. It sat right on the beach; the ocean was practically beside the house. It was a double story home, well furnished and stocked to the hilt with food. I had no idea whose house it was, but I know I questioned Skinner's motives for sending me there. Why did he send me down to the ocean?
Mulder once said that water was considered to be calming, it was supposed to help you clear your head and work things out. Apparently it relieved stress. Perhaps that's why Skinner put me there away from civilisation; he wanted me to work things out. I didn't care what he thought at the time, I wasn't grieving. If he thought that I was going utterly insane because I couldn't accept the fact that Mulder was gone then he was wrong and I was going to prove it.
But on the forth night, the evening before I was due to go home, I finally realised that my job was no longer to journey on for the sake of the X- files, it was now to bring up my only child. Mulder's only child. The hard part I knew would be asking Mulder for the freedom I so badly needed. I had walked out the back door and down onto the small strip of sand that lay down in front of me before the water. I wasn't sure how long I sat there, maybe hours, I guess I'll never really work it out. But I do know I saw the sun go down and I knew that the night skies belonged to Mulder, it was his time to go crazy, venture out looking for what lay just beyond.
Looking up to the starts I saw nothing that gave me any indication of a life other than my own. It was like sitting in a dark void of water and stars. All the things that were with me were the only things other than myself to exist. The moon had risen high into the black sky. Its full reflection rode the waves into shore and crashed only meters from my feet.
From my pocket I pulled out a faded photo and looked at it. I found myself talking to Mulder, but I still don't understand why. I had never entertained the thought of talking to a ghost, a spirit. But as I sat there, that's exactly what I did. For some reason I felt the anger build up inside of me.
"I went everywhere with you!", I yelled, "but why is it you've left me behind? What did I do to you to be left like this? I always thought you'd be there with me, chasing away the bad guys, what went wrong?". A tear fell from my eye and gently crashed into the sand. "I can't go on like this anymore, its doing my head in Mulder. I tried to keep up, I tried to keep you alive in the X-files. Things have gone too far this time. They took my job from me. Its only because Skinner took pity that I'm going to be allowed back in the Bureau, otherwise I'd be bringing up my, bringing up our daughter the way she doesn't deserve". I couldn't say anything, I just wanted to cry again.
A gentle breeze blew and then I felt it, the indisputable feeling of a hand on my shoulder. It was a gesture of comfort, one Mulder had given me many times before.
What happened next I wouldn't dare begin to try and explain. It was a miracle born out of the saddest of hearts. I know I turned my head and I know I saw him sitting there next to me. For some stupid reason I cried and turned away. For years this was the man who sheltered me form many of the evils of the world. He'd saved my life and given life to a young child in which I have in my care. But I couldn't cry to him, I was betraying his life quest, I was leaving the X-files behind.
"Scully", he said.
Through the sniffles and amazed chokes I managed to say what I'd always wanted to. "I love you".
His arms held me tight.
"I can't do this anymore Mulder, I can't go on living like this. You've chained me to the fate you carved out for yourself. Days are passing me by, I should be concentrating on the important things in life, not chasing things that you believed in".
"You believed as much as I did".
"I may have once, but I just can't do it anymore. Skinner is protecting me because he knows I'm still grieving".
"Are you trying to tell me you don't want to keep the X-files alive?".
"I don't need to Mulder, they live in you".
"Are you asking me to come back? Do you want me to do that?".
"Please understand, please. I've traveled more than enough. I've lived through things people wouldn't even see in their nightmares. It's unbelievable what I've done for you and kept up. All these years we've been fighting a no win war. Whatever happens, I'm always coming to dead ends. Yet, here you are saying that the X-files still need to go on. All I want is freedom Mulder, I want you to set me free". Tears streaked my face, seeing him again was too much.
He stood and walked to the water, his feet staying leveled on the surface. "I never made you keep the X-files going".
My lips quivered. "You know why I kept it all up. You knew that I'd keep on going, even after you'd gone. Mulder I love you with all my heart and I always will, but please, don't put me through this anymore. It's tearing me apart knowing that I have to stop this madness. I just need to know that you'll understand and that I'll have your blessings".
"Scully you know more than anything in the world I want you to be happy".
"Then let me go Mulder, set my heart free. Set me free". I could see the hurt in his eyes.
Slowly he nodded. "Then go, be free. Just know that I'll always be with you. No one could raise our daughter better than you could. A long time ago I needed closure for Samantha, now I see that you need it too. I want to give you that closure, you shouldn't be holding on for me".
I know at that moment I cried happier than I'd ever cried before, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. When the next wave crashed onto the beach, Mulder vanished. I was never too sure if he had really been there or not. One thing I was sure of though, was that he wanted me out of the Bureau. On the next breeze came his voice.
"Keep searching for the truth Dana, but leave those Rat Bastards behind. Don't give them the pleasure of hurting you. Tell them where to stick their job".
I smiled, I knew I was finally free.
* * * * *
This morning I walked into my office as if I was floating on a cloud. I was genuinely feeling free, a feeling I hadn't felt in an awfully long time. As much as I was feeling sad about leaving the last decade of my life behind I knew it was time to move on. The basement office held one too many memories that I wanted to forget. They reminded me of what I used to have and who I used to be. The cabinets that held the X-files had been moved, our things had already been taken and had been replaced with new objects. Where pictures and posters used to be were now fresh coats of blue paint.
Only one small box remained on the bare floor, it was the few belongings that were Mulder's that I wanted to keep. Everything that told me who the man behind the mask was. It held trinkets that showed the passion behind his work. Things that pushed him too far. Our nameplates had been removed from the door and our unwanted possessions had been thrown out into the rubbish dump. The past was no longer around, it had vanished into the night air along with my dear partner. I never knew, and I still don't fully understand what happened that night on the beach, but the one thing I did know was that I had been set free. The emotional ties I had with the X- files had gone, I was my own free person.
I picked up the box and ventured to the door, not turning once to look back upon what once was. Up the elevator and out of the building I went, not once did I stop until I was at my car. There to my surprise stood Skinner.
"Agent Scully, what are you doing?".
"Sir, as much as I want to stay and chat, I can't. I have a life now and a child to bring up". I pushed him away as I put the box into the back seat of my car.
"I got you a job here at the Bureau so you could stay, why is there suddenly a change of heart".
"My heart has never changed Sir, but my freedom has". I got in behind the steering wheel and started the car. "If you have at least one ounce of independence left, then you'd leave too". That was all I said. I drove off and didn't look back, only at the long road ahead.
I never quite understood why Mulder devoted his life to the X-files, not until after he had gone. If I had known then what I know now, I can assure you things would have been different. I needed Mulder's reassurance to know that leaving the FBI wasn't the end of the world as I knew it. Out of the night came the calming I needed, the closure that came from the calm of the water.
Tears took me no where other than despair. Anger got me into more trouble than it was truly worth. But as I turned the corner of the street I caught a glimpse of the poster that had looked over me in the past ten years. It told me I wanted to believe, but that itself was a lie, because I already believed.
The End
Set Me Free
For no more than a decade I was a part of something I cannot even begin to explain. Yet, as the days and weeks go on, I feel that the best years of my life were and always will be, my X-file years. When I joined the Bureau back in 1992, I assumed I would be working with another agent on your usual FBI cases, but now I know not what a normal case is. I am no longer the skeptical woman who follows the book, I am Dana Scully: The Rebel Extrodinair.
My superiors blame motherhood, personally I know it is a much deeper problem than that. For many years I devoted my time and my life to a man who was so bent up on believing in everything that he lost track of what reality was, and that is how he ended up in the heavens above. That solitary loss is what brought me on this path of utter destruction.
Truthfully I know that I can't turn back time and change things, my experience investigating the X-files has taught me that we cannot change what has been fated for us, only wait tragically for our ending to come. I've lost many loved ones in my life, the sadness I felt then couldn't measure up against the pain and sorrow I feel now. When I think about things in retrospect, I see that I miss a nutter more than I miss my family members. But he's not a nutter. That's only what people think. I know the real him, the heart and the soul that pined for love; to be loved.
Back in 1992 when we first met, things between us were uncomfortable, we were strangers thrown together to save the world. Actually I was sent to debunk his work, a mission I never completed, in fact I never started it. I couldn't, not after what I saw. Case after case we traveled across this fair country of ours searching for the unexplainable, for that little piece of evidence that was always just out of our reach. We were teased and eluded with what we assumed to be the truth, figures of the truth, mainly Mulder's sister Samantha, the one thing he longed to be given back. Tragically, the truth he was searching for had finally be revealed to him, but it was never what he wanted it to be.
As I sit here in this room looking at four walls, I too am searching for a truth. I want answers to unanswerable questions, it's a feeling I've grown to know and despise. There are men, like there always have been, they never have an identity and I cannot tell if they are here for my well being or my demise. Either way, I will never trust them. I never have and I never will. If its one thing I learned from Mulder it was that in this twisted and cruel world of ours you can trust no one.
The door opens and to my surprise, Assistant Director Skinner comes in.
"Sir what are you doing here?", I ask.
He pulls up a chair and sits opposite me. "Agent Scully, things have gone too far this time. You've become the man you were sent to debunk many years ago". He pulled out a white form and handed it to me and sighed. "They've taken your job from you".
I felt things around me spin. The prospect of getting a single mother pension dashed through my mind. In the sight of my eyes I could see my dear daughter and I in the snows during winter. My foolishness had pulled the foundation out from under her, she wouldn't get the start in life that she deserved.
"Do you understand what I'm saying Agent Scully?", he spoke.
I couldn't answer him. I couldn't speak. For years Mulder told me of the agenda within the legal walls of our occupation. He knew the day would come when things would be closed down for good. It wasn't so much the fact that I was out of a job that bothered me, I had let down the life of a young baby who depended on me. And I had let down Mulder. After he was gone I took it upon myself to continue the journey that consumed so much of his life. I kept pushing the limits and I knew that finally I'd pushed too far, I'd crossed the line.
"Agent Scully are you hearing me?".
"They've finally closed him down", I replied.
"What are you saying?".
"For years they wanted to shut Mulder down, close the X-files and rid the Bureau of the embarrassment he had caused them. Now they've finally gone and done it".
"Mulder's gone, this has nothing to do with him".
"Yes Sir it does. I was Mulder and he was me, together we were one. He did go, and I have continued his mission. I won't let it go, not without a fight".
His eyes pierced mine, then looked me up and down. "You're still grieving Agent Scully".
"I'm not grieving Sir, I'm protecting what has been treasured for so long. I won't let you or any of those...those rat bastards kill something that is still very much alive. Someone who is still alive, who never died. Its he who still keeps the X-files going".
"You're confusing your grief Agent Scully. Look at you, you're talking about Mulder as if he's still alive and working with you".
I stood up and looked down at him, "he's never gone damn it!", I yelled. My eyes welled up and I could feel the tears coming.
Skinner stood as well, keeping his eyes locked with mine. He strode around to me and grabbed my shoulders. "Scully you have a child to look after. He lives in that child. Other than that, you've got to get your act together".
It was then that I broke down in tears. I don't know why, but I found myself sliding to the ground and wanting to curl up and die. Too many things were against me. "I can't leave the FBI, I can't leave the X-files", I sobbed, "I have to keep him alive".
He crouched down next to me, "he's not the X-files, the x-files were him. Now that he's gone, the X-files have gone too".
His words stabbed me in the heart, finally it was all beginning to sink in, he was gone for good. I cried harder until I felt I had no energy to cry anymore.
Skinner pulled me into his arms. His next words were softer, kinder. "Perhaps we can plead grievance. They'll give you some time off and then maybe we can get your job back. But you've got to leave the X-files alone now".
* * * * *
That afternoon Skinner had me put in a car and driven down to Cape Hatteras. My young daughter was left in the capable hands of my mother who more than agreed to look after her under the circumstances.
I remember sitting in the back seat of the car thinking about the many times I'd been in the car with Mulder. We passed through many towns, often I wished he would stop and let me out. But after he was gone, I couldn't stop, I kept going on for him because I knew I had to.
Millions of images raced through my mind, parts of conversations replayed their tune as we traveled along the deserted road. I wanted to cry but I felt I couldn't, I had to be strong. Leaving Washington for a few days wasn't going to change things, I was still going to go back to the X-files. It was now up to me to show the world what had been hidden from them for so long.
As evening feel, we reached my temporary holiday home. It sat right on the beach; the ocean was practically beside the house. It was a double story home, well furnished and stocked to the hilt with food. I had no idea whose house it was, but I know I questioned Skinner's motives for sending me there. Why did he send me down to the ocean?
Mulder once said that water was considered to be calming, it was supposed to help you clear your head and work things out. Apparently it relieved stress. Perhaps that's why Skinner put me there away from civilisation; he wanted me to work things out. I didn't care what he thought at the time, I wasn't grieving. If he thought that I was going utterly insane because I couldn't accept the fact that Mulder was gone then he was wrong and I was going to prove it.
But on the forth night, the evening before I was due to go home, I finally realised that my job was no longer to journey on for the sake of the X- files, it was now to bring up my only child. Mulder's only child. The hard part I knew would be asking Mulder for the freedom I so badly needed. I had walked out the back door and down onto the small strip of sand that lay down in front of me before the water. I wasn't sure how long I sat there, maybe hours, I guess I'll never really work it out. But I do know I saw the sun go down and I knew that the night skies belonged to Mulder, it was his time to go crazy, venture out looking for what lay just beyond.
Looking up to the starts I saw nothing that gave me any indication of a life other than my own. It was like sitting in a dark void of water and stars. All the things that were with me were the only things other than myself to exist. The moon had risen high into the black sky. Its full reflection rode the waves into shore and crashed only meters from my feet.
From my pocket I pulled out a faded photo and looked at it. I found myself talking to Mulder, but I still don't understand why. I had never entertained the thought of talking to a ghost, a spirit. But as I sat there, that's exactly what I did. For some reason I felt the anger build up inside of me.
"I went everywhere with you!", I yelled, "but why is it you've left me behind? What did I do to you to be left like this? I always thought you'd be there with me, chasing away the bad guys, what went wrong?". A tear fell from my eye and gently crashed into the sand. "I can't go on like this anymore, its doing my head in Mulder. I tried to keep up, I tried to keep you alive in the X-files. Things have gone too far this time. They took my job from me. Its only because Skinner took pity that I'm going to be allowed back in the Bureau, otherwise I'd be bringing up my, bringing up our daughter the way she doesn't deserve". I couldn't say anything, I just wanted to cry again.
A gentle breeze blew and then I felt it, the indisputable feeling of a hand on my shoulder. It was a gesture of comfort, one Mulder had given me many times before.
What happened next I wouldn't dare begin to try and explain. It was a miracle born out of the saddest of hearts. I know I turned my head and I know I saw him sitting there next to me. For some stupid reason I cried and turned away. For years this was the man who sheltered me form many of the evils of the world. He'd saved my life and given life to a young child in which I have in my care. But I couldn't cry to him, I was betraying his life quest, I was leaving the X-files behind.
"Scully", he said.
Through the sniffles and amazed chokes I managed to say what I'd always wanted to. "I love you".
His arms held me tight.
"I can't do this anymore Mulder, I can't go on living like this. You've chained me to the fate you carved out for yourself. Days are passing me by, I should be concentrating on the important things in life, not chasing things that you believed in".
"You believed as much as I did".
"I may have once, but I just can't do it anymore. Skinner is protecting me because he knows I'm still grieving".
"Are you trying to tell me you don't want to keep the X-files alive?".
"I don't need to Mulder, they live in you".
"Are you asking me to come back? Do you want me to do that?".
"Please understand, please. I've traveled more than enough. I've lived through things people wouldn't even see in their nightmares. It's unbelievable what I've done for you and kept up. All these years we've been fighting a no win war. Whatever happens, I'm always coming to dead ends. Yet, here you are saying that the X-files still need to go on. All I want is freedom Mulder, I want you to set me free". Tears streaked my face, seeing him again was too much.
He stood and walked to the water, his feet staying leveled on the surface. "I never made you keep the X-files going".
My lips quivered. "You know why I kept it all up. You knew that I'd keep on going, even after you'd gone. Mulder I love you with all my heart and I always will, but please, don't put me through this anymore. It's tearing me apart knowing that I have to stop this madness. I just need to know that you'll understand and that I'll have your blessings".
"Scully you know more than anything in the world I want you to be happy".
"Then let me go Mulder, set my heart free. Set me free". I could see the hurt in his eyes.
Slowly he nodded. "Then go, be free. Just know that I'll always be with you. No one could raise our daughter better than you could. A long time ago I needed closure for Samantha, now I see that you need it too. I want to give you that closure, you shouldn't be holding on for me".
I know at that moment I cried happier than I'd ever cried before, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. When the next wave crashed onto the beach, Mulder vanished. I was never too sure if he had really been there or not. One thing I was sure of though, was that he wanted me out of the Bureau. On the next breeze came his voice.
"Keep searching for the truth Dana, but leave those Rat Bastards behind. Don't give them the pleasure of hurting you. Tell them where to stick their job".
I smiled, I knew I was finally free.
* * * * *
This morning I walked into my office as if I was floating on a cloud. I was genuinely feeling free, a feeling I hadn't felt in an awfully long time. As much as I was feeling sad about leaving the last decade of my life behind I knew it was time to move on. The basement office held one too many memories that I wanted to forget. They reminded me of what I used to have and who I used to be. The cabinets that held the X-files had been moved, our things had already been taken and had been replaced with new objects. Where pictures and posters used to be were now fresh coats of blue paint.
Only one small box remained on the bare floor, it was the few belongings that were Mulder's that I wanted to keep. Everything that told me who the man behind the mask was. It held trinkets that showed the passion behind his work. Things that pushed him too far. Our nameplates had been removed from the door and our unwanted possessions had been thrown out into the rubbish dump. The past was no longer around, it had vanished into the night air along with my dear partner. I never knew, and I still don't fully understand what happened that night on the beach, but the one thing I did know was that I had been set free. The emotional ties I had with the X- files had gone, I was my own free person.
I picked up the box and ventured to the door, not turning once to look back upon what once was. Up the elevator and out of the building I went, not once did I stop until I was at my car. There to my surprise stood Skinner.
"Agent Scully, what are you doing?".
"Sir, as much as I want to stay and chat, I can't. I have a life now and a child to bring up". I pushed him away as I put the box into the back seat of my car.
"I got you a job here at the Bureau so you could stay, why is there suddenly a change of heart".
"My heart has never changed Sir, but my freedom has". I got in behind the steering wheel and started the car. "If you have at least one ounce of independence left, then you'd leave too". That was all I said. I drove off and didn't look back, only at the long road ahead.
I never quite understood why Mulder devoted his life to the X-files, not until after he had gone. If I had known then what I know now, I can assure you things would have been different. I needed Mulder's reassurance to know that leaving the FBI wasn't the end of the world as I knew it. Out of the night came the calming I needed, the closure that came from the calm of the water.
Tears took me no where other than despair. Anger got me into more trouble than it was truly worth. But as I turned the corner of the street I caught a glimpse of the poster that had looked over me in the past ten years. It told me I wanted to believe, but that itself was a lie, because I already believed.
The End