Chapter Six
The two guards marched Doku into the kitchen, one to either side, both a good head taller than him. He found the whole situation rather disturbing, but kept his eyes down and his expression servile. "But I didn't realise there was an alert, mistress," he protested humbly, trying to remember the sort of speeches the Empress liked to hear. "Forgive this humble slave his grovelling incompetence..."
"Shove it," muttered the guard at his right, giving him a poke with her halberd. "Do you think we're stupid? A male youkai walks in here with a bag of turnips over his shoulder, and expects us to believe he's just here to deliver the vegetables?"
Doku looked around the kitchen, grinning cheerfully at the various serving-women, most of whom looked back at him with a mixture of suspicion and disbelief. A steaming dish of buns sat on a table to one side, next to an ashtray with several cigarette butts protruding from it. Wonder who smokes here? "Well, actually . . ." He turned to smile winningly up at the suspicious guard. "I'm having an affair with someone here, but I can't tell you whom, because I have to protect her at all costs."
There was a pause. The guards' eyes went blank and oddly dark. Together, almost in unison, they whispered, "You are . . ."
"Doku!" One of the older inhabitants of the kitchen, a middle-aged woman with a definite middle-aged spread to her hips, came running forward and flung herself on him. "You idiot! You fool! I told you never to come in here! I told you to stay well away! But no, you had to try and be all manly and sneak in! You idiot! You -- you man! You . . ." She broke off, falling to her knees in front of the guards. "Merciful ladies, forgive this idiot his presumption. Just look at him. He clearly doesn't know what he's done."
"What have I done, anyhow?" Doku muttered, more than a touch nettled. He flicked a glance over to where the woman had come from. Interestingly, she'd been standing next to a heavy curtain that presumably covered a pile of supplies. Even more interestingly, the curtain was twitching as though one person was trying to peer around the edges, and another person was trying to hold it still. "That is, forgive me, merciful ladies! I had to see my beloved!" He prayed that they wouldn't ask what her name was supposed to be. "I had no intention of breaking the local law . . ."
"Ah, screw it," the second guard said, abruptly human again. "Of all the damn stupid . . . Bie Liao, I thought you had more sense than this!"
The middle-aged woman got up from her knees, and put a possessive arm around Doku's middle. "It's not my fault he got all frisky and tried to get in, mistress. Besides, just look at him. He's the sort of idiot who thinks a bag of turnips is going to get him in here safely. He's not the sort of person who tries to invade the place."
The second guard looked hopeful. "I don't suppose you tried to get in earlier?" she asked Doku. "Climbed over the walls or anything like that?"
The first guard shook her head. "Naah, they're still chasing whoever did that. But we can't let him out now. The Captain would have our heads."
"And the Princess would have our asses," the second guard muttered disconsolately.
Doku did his best to look blank and innocent. I'm harmless, I'm normal, I'm easy to get along with, I'm just a big friendly wall of a man whom you can lean on and tell all your troubles to . . .
Bie Liao coughed. "Mistresses, I don't want to see you get into any trouble because this idiot managed to actually get into the fortress. If I just keep him here quietly, and let him out once the alert's over . . ."
The two guards looked at each other, then nodded. "All right," the first one said. "We're going out on a limb for you here, Bie Liao. If anything happens, and I mean, anything at all, we are all going to regret this, but I swear by the kamis that you are going to be regretting it the most. Am I clear?"
"Clear as crystal," Bie Liao reassured them.
Five minutes later, with the two guards safely out of the kitchen, and a couple of bottles of wine slipped their way in order to sweeten the deal, Bie Liao sat down with a sigh of relief. "What is it tonight?" she asked the ceiling. "Has every single man in the area got drunk and decided that they had to try and get in here carrying turnips?"
Doku hovered for a moment, trying to decide whether standing or sitting was more appropriate, then gave up and sank down in the opposite chair. "I'm extremely grateful to you for sticking up for me like that," he said cheerfully. "So why did you do it?"
She eyed him shrewdly. "Let's say I had religion prod me in the back. So, 'Doku', who are you and what are you doing here?"
Doku scratched his head thoughtfully, and put several bits of evidence together. Lirin's behaviour, the current situation, and the general perversity of the universe. "How about you get the guys out from behind the curtain, and we have a nice little round-the-table chat?"
"What guys?" asked Bie Liao flatly.
Doku grinned. He picked up one of the hot buns. "This bun looks delicious," he said loudly, "and it's a good thing there's nobody here to stop me eating it . . ."
A brown and red whirlwind tore the bun from his hand, and retreated to a safe distance with it and the dish. "Those are mine," Son Goku spat at him, "and I'm sooooooo hungry! Sanzou!"
Genjou Sanzou stepped from behind the curtain which had been twitching so interestingly earlier. His current cigarette was between two fingers of his left hand. Doku didn't want to bet how fast he could make his pistol appear in his right hand. "Bakazaru," Sanzou muttered.
"How about the other two?" Doku asked. He wasn't particularly worried about Gojyo. The kid could look after himself. Hell, he'd proved it in the fights they'd had. No need to worry at all. "Are they stuck outside in the rain?"
The monk looked down his pale nose. "And what are you doing here? Has your prince sent you ahead to explore the area?"
As he had done more than once before, Doku restrained the urge to put an artistic dent or two in the nose. "No. I'm looking for Lirin. She's run off and Yaone and I are trying to catch up with her. So no need to have a confrontation with you, which is a good thing, right?"
Bie Liao lit up her pipe. "So who's this Yaone? Can we expect to get her coming through here with turnips too?"
Doku shook his head. He considered a moment. It was probably safe enough to tell them. "She came in here normally -- after all, she's a woman, so they won't have problems with her the way they would with me or you. Speaking of which, what are you doing here?"
"Nothing," Sanzou snarled.
"We came to get Gojyo!" Goku piped up.
"Their friend sneaked in here disguised as a woman," Bie Liao explained. "And I thought I'd seen it all . . ."
Doku blinked, and tried to ignore the mental image. "And where is he right now?" he asked flatly.
"Hakkai went to get him. Apparently this visiting youkai guy saw him and thought he was really pretty and asked for him for a serving girl." Goku ate another bun. "But the ladies here are really, really nice, and gave us lots of food, didn't they, Sanzou?"
"Urusai," Sanzou muttered. Something clicked over behind his eyes, and he fixed Doku with an icy cold glare. "And it's your master Kougaiji upstairs, isn't it?"
"Is it a problem if it is?"
"It could be." Sanzou ground his cigarette out in the ashtray. "Because Hakkai doesn't know who it is. And things are fucked up enough already. I'm not going to risk them getting worse."
Bie Liao raised a hand. "Hold it. I'm not letting him leave here. I've already lied to the mistresses enough for one night. If anyone sees him, we're all screwed."
Sanzou turned an frozen stare on her. "I know. Which is why I'm going. You can keep these two here. Right?"
"Hey, wait a minute!"
"But, Saaaaanzou!"
"This is not being a good evening," Bie Liao muttered. "Yeah. Right."
---
As he made his way quickly and stealthily up the flight of stairs, Sanzou allowed his indignation to grow into a glacial block of pure annoyance at the incompetence of the people he was forced to travel with. He spared a moment to add the incompetence of his apparent enemies to the iceberg. This was ridiculous as well as dangerous, and while he could endure danger, he loathed looking ridiculous.
He regretted leaving Goku behind, on grounds of firepower if nothing else, but the monkey would have been too likely to walk into an ambush or run after the scent of hot buns. Goku was splendid for frontal assaults, but lacked a certain finesse when it came to sneak attacks from the side.
Not that he was actually planning a sneak attack on Kougaiji -- though if the youkai happened to develop a few incapacitating injuries, he certainly wouldn't care -- but the basic principle of stealthy action held.
There was a sound from above him. He looked up.
Apparently the youkai around here liked clinging to the ceiling. En masse.
They liked attacking en masse, too.
---
Yaone had been escorted to a large dining hall, where the local Captain of the Guard was suffering through the negative reports of several patrols. She waited politely while the latest patrol informed the Captain that the mysterious intruder was definitely not in the north quarter of the third floor of the fortress, absolutely not, they'd searched the place very thoroughly indeed. It made a convenient distraction while she put her story together. Having heard that an enemy was threatening Kougaiji-sama's life -- work out which enemy later -- I naturally hurried to his side, as his sworn bodyguard, determined to give my life if necessary to preserve him from danger, while of course not wanting to insult your security in any way . . .
There was a disturbance at the far end of the room. Yaone paused her mental recitation to crane her head and to try to see what was going on. A group of youkai, several of them nursing bruises and dislocations, had just entered. They were dragging an unconscious Genjou Sanzou by his shoulders, and it really didn't look as if he was just faking helplessness in order to stage a surprise attack.
On the positive side, if they thought he was the intruder, it'd stop them searching for Lirin. On the negative side, that might be condemning him -- and what in heaven's name was he doing here anyhow? -- to a nasty death . . .
Yaone hated moral dilemmas. However much she tried, they kept on coming up with suicide as the only honorable answer, and she really couldn't see how that would be much use here.
---
The two guards marched Doku into the kitchen, one to either side, both a good head taller than him. He found the whole situation rather disturbing, but kept his eyes down and his expression servile. "But I didn't realise there was an alert, mistress," he protested humbly, trying to remember the sort of speeches the Empress liked to hear. "Forgive this humble slave his grovelling incompetence..."
"Shove it," muttered the guard at his right, giving him a poke with her halberd. "Do you think we're stupid? A male youkai walks in here with a bag of turnips over his shoulder, and expects us to believe he's just here to deliver the vegetables?"
Doku looked around the kitchen, grinning cheerfully at the various serving-women, most of whom looked back at him with a mixture of suspicion and disbelief. A steaming dish of buns sat on a table to one side, next to an ashtray with several cigarette butts protruding from it. Wonder who smokes here? "Well, actually . . ." He turned to smile winningly up at the suspicious guard. "I'm having an affair with someone here, but I can't tell you whom, because I have to protect her at all costs."
There was a pause. The guards' eyes went blank and oddly dark. Together, almost in unison, they whispered, "You are . . ."
"Doku!" One of the older inhabitants of the kitchen, a middle-aged woman with a definite middle-aged spread to her hips, came running forward and flung herself on him. "You idiot! You fool! I told you never to come in here! I told you to stay well away! But no, you had to try and be all manly and sneak in! You idiot! You -- you man! You . . ." She broke off, falling to her knees in front of the guards. "Merciful ladies, forgive this idiot his presumption. Just look at him. He clearly doesn't know what he's done."
"What have I done, anyhow?" Doku muttered, more than a touch nettled. He flicked a glance over to where the woman had come from. Interestingly, she'd been standing next to a heavy curtain that presumably covered a pile of supplies. Even more interestingly, the curtain was twitching as though one person was trying to peer around the edges, and another person was trying to hold it still. "That is, forgive me, merciful ladies! I had to see my beloved!" He prayed that they wouldn't ask what her name was supposed to be. "I had no intention of breaking the local law . . ."
"Ah, screw it," the second guard said, abruptly human again. "Of all the damn stupid . . . Bie Liao, I thought you had more sense than this!"
The middle-aged woman got up from her knees, and put a possessive arm around Doku's middle. "It's not my fault he got all frisky and tried to get in, mistress. Besides, just look at him. He's the sort of idiot who thinks a bag of turnips is going to get him in here safely. He's not the sort of person who tries to invade the place."
The second guard looked hopeful. "I don't suppose you tried to get in earlier?" she asked Doku. "Climbed over the walls or anything like that?"
The first guard shook her head. "Naah, they're still chasing whoever did that. But we can't let him out now. The Captain would have our heads."
"And the Princess would have our asses," the second guard muttered disconsolately.
Doku did his best to look blank and innocent. I'm harmless, I'm normal, I'm easy to get along with, I'm just a big friendly wall of a man whom you can lean on and tell all your troubles to . . .
Bie Liao coughed. "Mistresses, I don't want to see you get into any trouble because this idiot managed to actually get into the fortress. If I just keep him here quietly, and let him out once the alert's over . . ."
The two guards looked at each other, then nodded. "All right," the first one said. "We're going out on a limb for you here, Bie Liao. If anything happens, and I mean, anything at all, we are all going to regret this, but I swear by the kamis that you are going to be regretting it the most. Am I clear?"
"Clear as crystal," Bie Liao reassured them.
Five minutes later, with the two guards safely out of the kitchen, and a couple of bottles of wine slipped their way in order to sweeten the deal, Bie Liao sat down with a sigh of relief. "What is it tonight?" she asked the ceiling. "Has every single man in the area got drunk and decided that they had to try and get in here carrying turnips?"
Doku hovered for a moment, trying to decide whether standing or sitting was more appropriate, then gave up and sank down in the opposite chair. "I'm extremely grateful to you for sticking up for me like that," he said cheerfully. "So why did you do it?"
She eyed him shrewdly. "Let's say I had religion prod me in the back. So, 'Doku', who are you and what are you doing here?"
Doku scratched his head thoughtfully, and put several bits of evidence together. Lirin's behaviour, the current situation, and the general perversity of the universe. "How about you get the guys out from behind the curtain, and we have a nice little round-the-table chat?"
"What guys?" asked Bie Liao flatly.
Doku grinned. He picked up one of the hot buns. "This bun looks delicious," he said loudly, "and it's a good thing there's nobody here to stop me eating it . . ."
A brown and red whirlwind tore the bun from his hand, and retreated to a safe distance with it and the dish. "Those are mine," Son Goku spat at him, "and I'm sooooooo hungry! Sanzou!"
Genjou Sanzou stepped from behind the curtain which had been twitching so interestingly earlier. His current cigarette was between two fingers of his left hand. Doku didn't want to bet how fast he could make his pistol appear in his right hand. "Bakazaru," Sanzou muttered.
"How about the other two?" Doku asked. He wasn't particularly worried about Gojyo. The kid could look after himself. Hell, he'd proved it in the fights they'd had. No need to worry at all. "Are they stuck outside in the rain?"
The monk looked down his pale nose. "And what are you doing here? Has your prince sent you ahead to explore the area?"
As he had done more than once before, Doku restrained the urge to put an artistic dent or two in the nose. "No. I'm looking for Lirin. She's run off and Yaone and I are trying to catch up with her. So no need to have a confrontation with you, which is a good thing, right?"
Bie Liao lit up her pipe. "So who's this Yaone? Can we expect to get her coming through here with turnips too?"
Doku shook his head. He considered a moment. It was probably safe enough to tell them. "She came in here normally -- after all, she's a woman, so they won't have problems with her the way they would with me or you. Speaking of which, what are you doing here?"
"Nothing," Sanzou snarled.
"We came to get Gojyo!" Goku piped up.
"Their friend sneaked in here disguised as a woman," Bie Liao explained. "And I thought I'd seen it all . . ."
Doku blinked, and tried to ignore the mental image. "And where is he right now?" he asked flatly.
"Hakkai went to get him. Apparently this visiting youkai guy saw him and thought he was really pretty and asked for him for a serving girl." Goku ate another bun. "But the ladies here are really, really nice, and gave us lots of food, didn't they, Sanzou?"
"Urusai," Sanzou muttered. Something clicked over behind his eyes, and he fixed Doku with an icy cold glare. "And it's your master Kougaiji upstairs, isn't it?"
"Is it a problem if it is?"
"It could be." Sanzou ground his cigarette out in the ashtray. "Because Hakkai doesn't know who it is. And things are fucked up enough already. I'm not going to risk them getting worse."
Bie Liao raised a hand. "Hold it. I'm not letting him leave here. I've already lied to the mistresses enough for one night. If anyone sees him, we're all screwed."
Sanzou turned an frozen stare on her. "I know. Which is why I'm going. You can keep these two here. Right?"
"Hey, wait a minute!"
"But, Saaaaanzou!"
"This is not being a good evening," Bie Liao muttered. "Yeah. Right."
---
As he made his way quickly and stealthily up the flight of stairs, Sanzou allowed his indignation to grow into a glacial block of pure annoyance at the incompetence of the people he was forced to travel with. He spared a moment to add the incompetence of his apparent enemies to the iceberg. This was ridiculous as well as dangerous, and while he could endure danger, he loathed looking ridiculous.
He regretted leaving Goku behind, on grounds of firepower if nothing else, but the monkey would have been too likely to walk into an ambush or run after the scent of hot buns. Goku was splendid for frontal assaults, but lacked a certain finesse when it came to sneak attacks from the side.
Not that he was actually planning a sneak attack on Kougaiji -- though if the youkai happened to develop a few incapacitating injuries, he certainly wouldn't care -- but the basic principle of stealthy action held.
There was a sound from above him. He looked up.
Apparently the youkai around here liked clinging to the ceiling. En masse.
They liked attacking en masse, too.
---
Yaone had been escorted to a large dining hall, where the local Captain of the Guard was suffering through the negative reports of several patrols. She waited politely while the latest patrol informed the Captain that the mysterious intruder was definitely not in the north quarter of the third floor of the fortress, absolutely not, they'd searched the place very thoroughly indeed. It made a convenient distraction while she put her story together. Having heard that an enemy was threatening Kougaiji-sama's life -- work out which enemy later -- I naturally hurried to his side, as his sworn bodyguard, determined to give my life if necessary to preserve him from danger, while of course not wanting to insult your security in any way . . .
There was a disturbance at the far end of the room. Yaone paused her mental recitation to crane her head and to try to see what was going on. A group of youkai, several of them nursing bruises and dislocations, had just entered. They were dragging an unconscious Genjou Sanzou by his shoulders, and it really didn't look as if he was just faking helplessness in order to stage a surprise attack.
On the positive side, if they thought he was the intruder, it'd stop them searching for Lirin. On the negative side, that might be condemning him -- and what in heaven's name was he doing here anyhow? -- to a nasty death . . .
Yaone hated moral dilemmas. However much she tried, they kept on coming up with suicide as the only honorable answer, and she really couldn't see how that would be much use here.
---
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