Disclaimer: X isn't yui's and she knows that...so end of subject.

Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui


Chapter 2 - Sagashite'ru. (Searching.)

I stared down at Kamui as he looked up at me.

Don't look at me. No, not like that. It makes me feel so...useless...

The way He had...
He made me feel like I was nothing. My feelings were just a trinket of
his affections and there I was like a beggar only too happy to receive
what he had given me.

I thought it was his heart that he had given me.
Like the gloves I had resolved to wearing, he had slipped into my life as if it were only natural, yet strange at the same time.

But Seishirou is a thief. He stole what I had carefully kept inside.

Instead, everything gushed out...in a look...in an eye...
when he protected me.

I hate it when people look at me. They've known I've changed. I know
I have. And it makes me feel so hurt inside and confused.
So, I've not been able to say anything.

Can't...can't have another person...

I immediately got up and walked away towards the door.

I am running away like before.
I'm afraid if I get close to someone,
that person will leave me.

But...
...there was something about Kamui that made me look back. If it had
been any other person but Kamui and Him...well, I just wouldn't have.

Kamui had stood up and continued to keep his head down staring at the floor with his hair covering his eyes.

I continued to look at him.

I can't...
I'll turn around and leave. If I don't go now, I'll-

Glomp.

He hugged me from behind. "Subaru?" said a desparately, cute voice.

Are you going to leave me? I know that's what you want to say. Yes, I
want to say. And yet, I'm still here standing...

...trying to find an answer...trying to find answers to all my
questions that had built before and after nine years before when I was crushed under that sakura tree.

I wanted to know why this had befallen me. I wanted to know why was it
that the most important people I want beside me cannot be? Was that
fair at all? I didn't think it was fair. Not at all.
And then, Fate had bring along a boy that looked like myself. He went
insane and tilted his head staring at the world so blankly.

But we are the same Kamui. In that sense. You and I.

Only...
You may have gotten out of your illusion. But I haven't.
I have become so unfeeling, still staring so blankly at everything and
everyone around me. I pretend to keep my calm, but that all disappears
when I'm next to you.

You're so warm...

I was told that you were a kind child...
I guess that's true...

But I don't look at you like a child. Your eyes have seen more than
anyone can see as a child. I was once like that, only to be rudely
awakened into a harsh reality.

"I'm sorry, Kamui," I whispered as I softly took off his arms from my
waist.

Without looking back, I walked away.

I always runaway...

I'm pushing myself away like I always do. I'm hiding what I shouldn't.

You remind me of all my weaknesses.
Just like Seishirou.

"I never felt alone. Until I met you..." My feet were walking faster and faster.

I left without a word...like usual. I do what I want and when I want
to.

No one will tell me what I have to do, or what I have to fulfill. No one knows more than I. For these chains that bind me to me as heir to our clan or the world...I want to cut them so badly.

But, I found myself running. Like in the rain with the little girl who had broken my heart with her story. In the pouring rain, I held my fists together.
I'm still crying inside. I won't let my feelings out. I've kept
them well-hidden. Even more than when Seishirou and Hokuto-chan had
opened them...

Until...
I gasped a bit. "I remember..."
Until I found myself in front of Seishirou's apartment.

The old one...

Then, my tears fell in an instant at the sin I had committed. I wanted
so much to knock on it. But I knew I couldn't. Not anymore.

"I want..." I mumbled.

The old one...I want the old Seishirou back...

This time, I didn't care. I went down on my knees and shook my head as
the tears went down my face one by one like the raindrops that were
falling from the sky.

My silence.
I didn't want to be quiet anymore. I wanted someone to share this
with...like Kamui. This pain, this loneliness that he also feels...

Even after all these years, I was still the same. My heart had not
changed, it just became darker...more closed.
But I was still the same Subaru. No matter how much I thought I had
changed...
My weakness...my strengths...
I...

All the words that I couldn't express...all the shouting in my head
became a dull silence.

And from my mouth, I uttered what I had always wanted to say...
Expressing all the memories that I couldn't ever articulate without
becoming numb...
The wish that I could never tell anyone...

I know it's wrong, demo...
Would you laugh at me Hokuto-chan? Or would you cry for me?

Deep inside of me...
This is what has been crushing me more than sakura petals that fly when they try to tell you that you are supposed to die...

I whispered to myself,
"O...ne...gai..." I sobbed with a squeak. "Onegai..."

"Boku ni...Seishirou-san wo kaeshite yo."

Please Fate.
Give Seishirou back to me.

The one that smiled at me all the time...
The one that took care of me when I needed him...

Please return My Seishirou-san to me...
I can't find him anymore...

I've been looking for him for a long time...



===
Author's note: Subaru...*shakes head* Wah!!! *sniff, sniff*