Disclaimer: X isn't Yui's, but Clamp's.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 3 - Despite everything I've done...
"How..." I mumbled in a slight whisper.
Maybe it was fate.
Oh how cruel that goddess was.
For as I looked down at my feet, there was a familiar heap that had
clustered himself in front of me.
And then, that person's head fell down on the floor.
Though I was shocked to find him there, I kept my smile calmly on my
face all the same.
From the familiar trenchcoat's color and scent, I immediately bent down and took his body into my arms.
"Same as always," I laughed.
Always quick to faint whenever his subconsciousness couldn't take the impact of something anymore. He had reached his limit.
As I brushed his hair away from his sleeping face, I saw those eyes.
Those eyes...
I hated it when you cried...
Because I know I'm the cause of every one of those tears.
As I turned and took one last glance at that familiar abode that had once been mine, I went down the stairs only to hear a soft whispering of my name from his lips.
"Seishirou...boku ni...kaeshite..."
I wonder what had brought this on. Why did he need me so much?
I took off my coat and wrapped it around his body as I ran in the rain towards my new apartment.
But the rain wasn't so kind. Instead, it rained harder and harder; and I had feared if Subaru would get drenched under my coat.
As if by reflex, the tears fell from the sides of his eyes and my eyes couldn't bear to look anymore.
Holding him tighter, I ran faster.
It never failed to amaze me how much this boy had an impact on me and the things I would find myself doing for him.
I knew I had fallen from grace. Very much so.
As I laid him on my bed, I did not care if he was somewhat dripping on my blankets.
For a moment, I just stood there overlooking his whole body. Touching his cheek, I leaned down to make sure if he was real and not just the figment of my imagination.
He would never believe that I have spent many sleepless nights wondering if things were different...
wondering what I would do if I ever saw him again...
What had possessed me to pass through my old neighborhood? Masochistic, isn't it?
We both loved to kill the one we loved.
And yet that was the only expression we knew that kept us alive...
All the magic...
I'm feeding it off your fingers as your stars shine through the gloves to make my presence known.
That is my mark on you. It tells you that you are mine.
You will ALWAYS be mine.
Mine alone.
When he woke up, the boy I had known nine years ago had made a small appearance before me. Getting up slowly, he looked around as I brought a towel to him.
"Oh, you're awake." I had said in some tone that made it like the event wasn't so special.
He darted his eyes at me.
"Is this the thanks I get for saving you from the rain?" I said as I plopped the white towel on his head.
His eyes looked at the towel almost wistfully as he bitterly wiped the water from his hair.
"Go take a shower." I honestly said. "Or else you'll get sick."
His eyes opened wide a bit as if in shock.
I don't know why I had been so concerned over this contrivance, and I don't know why he even listened to me, but he did.
This lingering feeling always came back to me whenever I saw that face.
Guilt.
He went to the shower with a glower that wasn't of the boy I once knew. I couldn't blame him, though. I had brought upon his self-destruction.
As he closed the door, I looked out at the sliding door as the rain poured as the water droplets fell like tears on the glass surface before me.
It was indeed a dark day.
I then glanced at the bathroom with the shh shh of the water running down the drain unable to still believe that I had brought Subaru here.
I should have known better.
This was the part of me that was so weak like a human's.
And I hated myself for it.
"I'll never learn." I said as I shook my head in disapproval.
But then, the glasses I wore seemed so much heavier. As I stepped closer and closer to the bathroom door, my heart beat faster and faster.
Was I really going insane?
Everything my life had been so meticulously planned, but Subaru...he never fit in there.
I opened the door and stood at the bathroom's threshold as Subaru turned off the shower water and pushed aside the door.
I looked at him as he looked back at me.
There was no malice. It was as if the water had also washed away the anger in his eyes.
The tension was present in the air as the steam rose from his body. And still, he stood there with the water dripping onto the tile floor.
I didn't want Subaru's body.
I longed for his soul. I wanted him to give me his soul.
As he stood there, I took a deep breath.
This was my immaculate dream molded from my breath. I had molded him. His skin was the product of my careful creation.
And the blood from his hands flowed downward.
Drip, drip.
It merged with the water making a beautiful color just a bit redder than sakura.
As he nonchalantly took that towel I had given him and began to wipe himself, he did not say anything.
It wasn't that we were afraid. No, it was something that I couldn't articulate, but could feel in the air. The thickness of everything was like swimming in an ocean of feelings with no hope of land.
I didn't want to devour Subaru.
He was this beautiful artifact that I had tried to look for all this time.
And I think that's why he wasn't alarmed when I stared at him.
I wanted to savor him, but he was...
Like this fallen angel that I couldn't touch with broken wings protectively over his chest trying to keep what was left of his heart.
I had not wanted to dirty him with my hands, but this twisted heart of mine wanted to corrupt him. I only wanted him for myself.
At that moment, I reached out to him and embraced him as if I would break him.
I wanted to break him so badly. To hurt him as much as he had hurt me. To make him see that what he had done to me was much worse than any pain I had ever given him.
Then, I forced myself to kiss him. Taking off my tie and my shirt, I kissed him harder.
Throwing my slacks somewhere towards the threshold, I had taken him up into my arms as I carried him to the shower.
As the water fell on my back, there I was pressing Subaru against the cold tile wall in back of him.
While kissing his neck, I was tortured.
"This..." I trailed off.
No one knows your secrets more than I, Subaru. I know you better than you know yourself.
I'm the only one who knows that if you're kissed on the bottom of your left ribcage, you cringe in pain...
No one knows that when someone kisses the nape of your neck, you laugh like when you were sixteen...
I know all these things.
I was the one who imprinted myself everywhere on this body.
This beautiful body...
But in exchange, I had given my soul to be opened by only him...
As he looked down at me, he tilted his head with sad eyes searching thoroughly into mine in disbelief.
It...
It was like nothing had ever changed.
Had a gap of nine years really separated us? It was hard to believe...
But I knew I had taken you for granted...
I know I had.
Then, I felt his blood run down my back and splatter as the water washed it away...
Splish, splash.
As he winced in pain, his eyes closed and his nails grated on my back until it was bleeding in rivers.
And I knew someday, he would.
He would kill me right through the heart.
It would be then that he would realize...
Stupid boy. You will realize things too late.
Don't you know you have already killed me through the heart, Subaru?
It was then that I kissed him on the lips even harder.
"I want your soul, Subaru," I murmured darkly. "Give me your soul."
But as confident as I seemed, I was so desparate. It was like trying to cry when you couldn't because you didn't know how.
It was then that I had remembered why I had loved you so much with such a blinded eye to all my faults when it concerned you...
...without change or time affecting my judgment...
...whether you were 9, 16, or 25...
It wasn't your innocence at all...
It was your kindness.
Though you should have judged me, you were gentle...
Looking again into those trusting green eyes that had risen back from hiding all these years, I held his cheeks.
That's why I couldn't kill you, Subaru...
I don't know if you'll understand since my head is warped in different dimensions with justifications that make sense in weird logic...
As the water became quieter and quieter when I turned the knob, I shook my head as I still held his waist looking straight into his eyes. "You stupid boy. How could you say 'Give Seishirou back to me...'"
My hands trembled in frustration. "...when I was always there?"
No matter where you'll go and how much I want to get away...
what you become or how I deteriorate...
I'll always be there.
Deep inside of you...
In that silence that you have numbed yourself to the world.
It's clear that I was always there...
It is still hard for me to believe because until now, I'm still trying to convince myself.
Despite everything I've done...
until now...
You still love me...
---
Author's note: I'm so unsatisfied with this. Seishirou is always a hard character to do, but I hope you liked it anyway. It took so long to make. 2 hours?!
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 3 - Despite everything I've done...
"How..." I mumbled in a slight whisper.
Maybe it was fate.
Oh how cruel that goddess was.
For as I looked down at my feet, there was a familiar heap that had
clustered himself in front of me.
And then, that person's head fell down on the floor.
Though I was shocked to find him there, I kept my smile calmly on my
face all the same.
From the familiar trenchcoat's color and scent, I immediately bent down and took his body into my arms.
"Same as always," I laughed.
Always quick to faint whenever his subconsciousness couldn't take the impact of something anymore. He had reached his limit.
As I brushed his hair away from his sleeping face, I saw those eyes.
Those eyes...
I hated it when you cried...
Because I know I'm the cause of every one of those tears.
As I turned and took one last glance at that familiar abode that had once been mine, I went down the stairs only to hear a soft whispering of my name from his lips.
"Seishirou...boku ni...kaeshite..."
I wonder what had brought this on. Why did he need me so much?
I took off my coat and wrapped it around his body as I ran in the rain towards my new apartment.
But the rain wasn't so kind. Instead, it rained harder and harder; and I had feared if Subaru would get drenched under my coat.
As if by reflex, the tears fell from the sides of his eyes and my eyes couldn't bear to look anymore.
Holding him tighter, I ran faster.
It never failed to amaze me how much this boy had an impact on me and the things I would find myself doing for him.
I knew I had fallen from grace. Very much so.
As I laid him on my bed, I did not care if he was somewhat dripping on my blankets.
For a moment, I just stood there overlooking his whole body. Touching his cheek, I leaned down to make sure if he was real and not just the figment of my imagination.
He would never believe that I have spent many sleepless nights wondering if things were different...
wondering what I would do if I ever saw him again...
What had possessed me to pass through my old neighborhood? Masochistic, isn't it?
We both loved to kill the one we loved.
And yet that was the only expression we knew that kept us alive...
All the magic...
I'm feeding it off your fingers as your stars shine through the gloves to make my presence known.
That is my mark on you. It tells you that you are mine.
You will ALWAYS be mine.
Mine alone.
When he woke up, the boy I had known nine years ago had made a small appearance before me. Getting up slowly, he looked around as I brought a towel to him.
"Oh, you're awake." I had said in some tone that made it like the event wasn't so special.
He darted his eyes at me.
"Is this the thanks I get for saving you from the rain?" I said as I plopped the white towel on his head.
His eyes looked at the towel almost wistfully as he bitterly wiped the water from his hair.
"Go take a shower." I honestly said. "Or else you'll get sick."
His eyes opened wide a bit as if in shock.
I don't know why I had been so concerned over this contrivance, and I don't know why he even listened to me, but he did.
This lingering feeling always came back to me whenever I saw that face.
Guilt.
He went to the shower with a glower that wasn't of the boy I once knew. I couldn't blame him, though. I had brought upon his self-destruction.
As he closed the door, I looked out at the sliding door as the rain poured as the water droplets fell like tears on the glass surface before me.
It was indeed a dark day.
I then glanced at the bathroom with the shh shh of the water running down the drain unable to still believe that I had brought Subaru here.
I should have known better.
This was the part of me that was so weak like a human's.
And I hated myself for it.
"I'll never learn." I said as I shook my head in disapproval.
But then, the glasses I wore seemed so much heavier. As I stepped closer and closer to the bathroom door, my heart beat faster and faster.
Was I really going insane?
Everything my life had been so meticulously planned, but Subaru...he never fit in there.
I opened the door and stood at the bathroom's threshold as Subaru turned off the shower water and pushed aside the door.
I looked at him as he looked back at me.
There was no malice. It was as if the water had also washed away the anger in his eyes.
The tension was present in the air as the steam rose from his body. And still, he stood there with the water dripping onto the tile floor.
I didn't want Subaru's body.
I longed for his soul. I wanted him to give me his soul.
As he stood there, I took a deep breath.
This was my immaculate dream molded from my breath. I had molded him. His skin was the product of my careful creation.
And the blood from his hands flowed downward.
Drip, drip.
It merged with the water making a beautiful color just a bit redder than sakura.
As he nonchalantly took that towel I had given him and began to wipe himself, he did not say anything.
It wasn't that we were afraid. No, it was something that I couldn't articulate, but could feel in the air. The thickness of everything was like swimming in an ocean of feelings with no hope of land.
I didn't want to devour Subaru.
He was this beautiful artifact that I had tried to look for all this time.
And I think that's why he wasn't alarmed when I stared at him.
I wanted to savor him, but he was...
Like this fallen angel that I couldn't touch with broken wings protectively over his chest trying to keep what was left of his heart.
I had not wanted to dirty him with my hands, but this twisted heart of mine wanted to corrupt him. I only wanted him for myself.
At that moment, I reached out to him and embraced him as if I would break him.
I wanted to break him so badly. To hurt him as much as he had hurt me. To make him see that what he had done to me was much worse than any pain I had ever given him.
Then, I forced myself to kiss him. Taking off my tie and my shirt, I kissed him harder.
Throwing my slacks somewhere towards the threshold, I had taken him up into my arms as I carried him to the shower.
As the water fell on my back, there I was pressing Subaru against the cold tile wall in back of him.
While kissing his neck, I was tortured.
"This..." I trailed off.
No one knows your secrets more than I, Subaru. I know you better than you know yourself.
I'm the only one who knows that if you're kissed on the bottom of your left ribcage, you cringe in pain...
No one knows that when someone kisses the nape of your neck, you laugh like when you were sixteen...
I know all these things.
I was the one who imprinted myself everywhere on this body.
This beautiful body...
But in exchange, I had given my soul to be opened by only him...
As he looked down at me, he tilted his head with sad eyes searching thoroughly into mine in disbelief.
It...
It was like nothing had ever changed.
Had a gap of nine years really separated us? It was hard to believe...
But I knew I had taken you for granted...
I know I had.
Then, I felt his blood run down my back and splatter as the water washed it away...
Splish, splash.
As he winced in pain, his eyes closed and his nails grated on my back until it was bleeding in rivers.
And I knew someday, he would.
He would kill me right through the heart.
It would be then that he would realize...
Stupid boy. You will realize things too late.
Don't you know you have already killed me through the heart, Subaru?
It was then that I kissed him on the lips even harder.
"I want your soul, Subaru," I murmured darkly. "Give me your soul."
But as confident as I seemed, I was so desparate. It was like trying to cry when you couldn't because you didn't know how.
It was then that I had remembered why I had loved you so much with such a blinded eye to all my faults when it concerned you...
...without change or time affecting my judgment...
...whether you were 9, 16, or 25...
It wasn't your innocence at all...
It was your kindness.
Though you should have judged me, you were gentle...
Looking again into those trusting green eyes that had risen back from hiding all these years, I held his cheeks.
That's why I couldn't kill you, Subaru...
I don't know if you'll understand since my head is warped in different dimensions with justifications that make sense in weird logic...
As the water became quieter and quieter when I turned the knob, I shook my head as I still held his waist looking straight into his eyes. "You stupid boy. How could you say 'Give Seishirou back to me...'"
My hands trembled in frustration. "...when I was always there?"
No matter where you'll go and how much I want to get away...
what you become or how I deteriorate...
I'll always be there.
Deep inside of you...
In that silence that you have numbed yourself to the world.
It's clear that I was always there...
It is still hard for me to believe because until now, I'm still trying to convince myself.
Despite everything I've done...
until now...
You still love me...
---
Author's note: I'm so unsatisfied with this. Seishirou is always a hard character to do, but I hope you liked it anyway. It took so long to make. 2 hours?!