disclaimer: All characters belong to Clamp.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 7 - Because you live there.
"I too was human." I mumbled as I petted the metal surface of Beast with my familiar hand. And somehow, I felt that Beast was conforted by this action.
Unreal as he may have seemed, I loved my world of numbers. This asylum of 1's and 0's had no place in the menial existence that seemed to surround us.
"But maybe I'm more," I had said outright as my voice stung my ears as it echoed against the walls of my resting chamber.
Taking a deep breath, I said as if in a monotonous plea, "Please let me go, Beast."
The door opened and the exhaust escaped along with my nervousness oozing out the steam. I don't know why I loved enclosed places, but I guess that being in my own world meant that I loved as much as what I could touch. It was within my reach.
Something tangible...
...like the way the wires ran through my body with ease.
I think that was my way of feeling loved. I was encapsuled by something that seemed to care about who I was rather than what I could do.
That also held the same reasoning as to why I liked Kanoe. She never asked anything and let me do as I please. Whenever and whatever I wanted.
But as I got off Beast, I sneaked a peek back and walked out to find myself passing by Kanoe's door, which was left a little open. I had wanted to tell her something until I rose my hand to hear from the inside, "And what do you think of Satsuki, Yuuto?"
My eyes slightly opened wider than what they were accustomed to. I then found myself patting the door in front of me.
"Where did that come from, Kanoe? Are you teasing me?"
Kiss...
I put my hand down and walked towards my own bedroom. There was no use interupting something like that.
And so, I found myself closing the door. I picked up my water bottle on the nightstand and looked about my room as I sat on my bed.
There were no windows where I slept. It was a nice, neat box of white.
My sweater of yellow hung to one side of the room with a stand Kanoe had given me. She said I needed more inside my box of a room.
All I could hear was the sigh that had slipped from the depths of my heart as I rubbed against the blanket that I had sat on.
It was very soft, as it had always been. It was one that my father had given to me. I don't know why I kept it. I guess it was because he had taken care of me in some way, being of my father and all that.
I abruptly got up. I didn't want to think about it.
I took off my shirt and threw it to the laundry basket in the closet. Just to spite myself, I aim for the rim instead of making a swish. Can't have everything too perfect, now can we?
That just wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair.
Pulling a white shirt from my drawer, I slipped it on and took off my pants. I didn't even bother to throw it and just left a pile on the floor to make my room look lived in.
After putting on my blue shorts, I walk inside the bathroom and start to brush my teeth. How troublesome that I still have to do this everyday.
The surface world is like this, isn't it? I used to go up there. I used to live there. But now, I only visit when I feel like it.
Everything up there is boring.
I stare at the mirror in front of me and wash my face. The cold water drips off my face into the floor as I continue to stare at my own reflection.
How much older I had become. And more years to come.
I sometimes forget that time progresses when one is not careful. I forget because in a world of 1's and 0's, there is no sense of time. You just know it goes on, but you'll never understand the speed of it all.
Everything in _that_ world loses beauty. And soon it is losing time without even knowing.
But are we more if we know what it is to come? The ending of the world may come tomorrow and there would be nothing I would like to do.
Would I still want to go up there if everything comes to pass? Could I live in a world where things decay...
...where things change?
I shook my head at the thought and these abnormalities that were creeping into my consciousness.
As I took out my rubberband, I sat on the bed and looked down to the floor. Then, I began to comb my hair.
You do.
I blinked at my own thought.
"You do."
No, I wasn't thinking that. I was actually saying that. I was...
You can't always live here, Satsuki. You'll have to leave someday.
You can't always stay here.
But why now? After all these years with these humans and their games do I want to go back?
Because...
Because he lives there...isn't it?
My eyes found themselves blurry. And for the first time in so many years, I felt the pangs of doubt receding from their bubbles floating to the surface of my skin and to my eyes.
She never asked anything of me, but there was nothing to ask if she already took what she wanted. She loved to tease me cruelly with that calm demeanor and I was no different with my nonchalant attitude towards everything. I was a machine myself, wasn't I?
Wasn't that how I made myself to be?
Doki.
This part of me within my chest began to ache even more.
I hated Him.
I hated him for making me feel this way. For caring all this time and making me melt with just a touch.
For making me touch the screen and blink my eyes whenever he left me alone in my own, yet cold world to go to the one to where he lived.
Was I really willing to go back, if anything happened, to a world that wanted to exploit me? A world where I felt resentment because they treated me no better than a computer and yet I let myself slip into that also?
Even though he'll probably reject me, stay with Kanoe, or whatever...
Maybe being this disturbed calmness in tangible form that made up my personality was not bad. You still kept your face behind a mask of illusion.
That's what humans were.
That's what they all were...
Do you really want to go back there, Satsuki?
I thought you hated it there.
I thought you wanted to be alone?
Deep inside of me, someone was whispering, "No, I don't want to be alone..."
I am not alone.
He made me feel that way ever I first touched him...
when I had brushed past him...
Is this something real?
I think so...
I too am human.
I looked up to the ceiling of my four-walled room. And now, these words stirred within me with some kind of conceptual meaning.
Opening a drawer, I took out a single, light scarf and held it in my hands. Sniffing it, it still had his scent since the first day he had given it to me. Still holding it in my hand, I turned off the light.
I clenched the scarf tighter in my hands and kept it close to caress my cheek as I made my body contort to that of a ball like a child in a mother's womb.
I whispered to myself, "Because You live there."
That's why I'll go back, Yuuto.
--
Author's note: This was actually very easy to make...
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 7 - Because you live there.
"I too was human." I mumbled as I petted the metal surface of Beast with my familiar hand. And somehow, I felt that Beast was conforted by this action.
Unreal as he may have seemed, I loved my world of numbers. This asylum of 1's and 0's had no place in the menial existence that seemed to surround us.
"But maybe I'm more," I had said outright as my voice stung my ears as it echoed against the walls of my resting chamber.
Taking a deep breath, I said as if in a monotonous plea, "Please let me go, Beast."
The door opened and the exhaust escaped along with my nervousness oozing out the steam. I don't know why I loved enclosed places, but I guess that being in my own world meant that I loved as much as what I could touch. It was within my reach.
Something tangible...
...like the way the wires ran through my body with ease.
I think that was my way of feeling loved. I was encapsuled by something that seemed to care about who I was rather than what I could do.
That also held the same reasoning as to why I liked Kanoe. She never asked anything and let me do as I please. Whenever and whatever I wanted.
But as I got off Beast, I sneaked a peek back and walked out to find myself passing by Kanoe's door, which was left a little open. I had wanted to tell her something until I rose my hand to hear from the inside, "And what do you think of Satsuki, Yuuto?"
My eyes slightly opened wider than what they were accustomed to. I then found myself patting the door in front of me.
"Where did that come from, Kanoe? Are you teasing me?"
Kiss...
I put my hand down and walked towards my own bedroom. There was no use interupting something like that.
And so, I found myself closing the door. I picked up my water bottle on the nightstand and looked about my room as I sat on my bed.
There were no windows where I slept. It was a nice, neat box of white.
My sweater of yellow hung to one side of the room with a stand Kanoe had given me. She said I needed more inside my box of a room.
All I could hear was the sigh that had slipped from the depths of my heart as I rubbed against the blanket that I had sat on.
It was very soft, as it had always been. It was one that my father had given to me. I don't know why I kept it. I guess it was because he had taken care of me in some way, being of my father and all that.
I abruptly got up. I didn't want to think about it.
I took off my shirt and threw it to the laundry basket in the closet. Just to spite myself, I aim for the rim instead of making a swish. Can't have everything too perfect, now can we?
That just wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair.
Pulling a white shirt from my drawer, I slipped it on and took off my pants. I didn't even bother to throw it and just left a pile on the floor to make my room look lived in.
After putting on my blue shorts, I walk inside the bathroom and start to brush my teeth. How troublesome that I still have to do this everyday.
The surface world is like this, isn't it? I used to go up there. I used to live there. But now, I only visit when I feel like it.
Everything up there is boring.
I stare at the mirror in front of me and wash my face. The cold water drips off my face into the floor as I continue to stare at my own reflection.
How much older I had become. And more years to come.
I sometimes forget that time progresses when one is not careful. I forget because in a world of 1's and 0's, there is no sense of time. You just know it goes on, but you'll never understand the speed of it all.
Everything in _that_ world loses beauty. And soon it is losing time without even knowing.
But are we more if we know what it is to come? The ending of the world may come tomorrow and there would be nothing I would like to do.
Would I still want to go up there if everything comes to pass? Could I live in a world where things decay...
...where things change?
I shook my head at the thought and these abnormalities that were creeping into my consciousness.
As I took out my rubberband, I sat on the bed and looked down to the floor. Then, I began to comb my hair.
You do.
I blinked at my own thought.
"You do."
No, I wasn't thinking that. I was actually saying that. I was...
You can't always live here, Satsuki. You'll have to leave someday.
You can't always stay here.
But why now? After all these years with these humans and their games do I want to go back?
Because...
Because he lives there...isn't it?
My eyes found themselves blurry. And for the first time in so many years, I felt the pangs of doubt receding from their bubbles floating to the surface of my skin and to my eyes.
She never asked anything of me, but there was nothing to ask if she already took what she wanted. She loved to tease me cruelly with that calm demeanor and I was no different with my nonchalant attitude towards everything. I was a machine myself, wasn't I?
Wasn't that how I made myself to be?
Doki.
This part of me within my chest began to ache even more.
I hated Him.
I hated him for making me feel this way. For caring all this time and making me melt with just a touch.
For making me touch the screen and blink my eyes whenever he left me alone in my own, yet cold world to go to the one to where he lived.
Was I really willing to go back, if anything happened, to a world that wanted to exploit me? A world where I felt resentment because they treated me no better than a computer and yet I let myself slip into that also?
Even though he'll probably reject me, stay with Kanoe, or whatever...
Maybe being this disturbed calmness in tangible form that made up my personality was not bad. You still kept your face behind a mask of illusion.
That's what humans were.
That's what they all were...
Do you really want to go back there, Satsuki?
I thought you hated it there.
I thought you wanted to be alone?
Deep inside of me, someone was whispering, "No, I don't want to be alone..."
I am not alone.
He made me feel that way ever I first touched him...
when I had brushed past him...
Is this something real?
I think so...
I too am human.
I looked up to the ceiling of my four-walled room. And now, these words stirred within me with some kind of conceptual meaning.
Opening a drawer, I took out a single, light scarf and held it in my hands. Sniffing it, it still had his scent since the first day he had given it to me. Still holding it in my hand, I turned off the light.
I clenched the scarf tighter in my hands and kept it close to caress my cheek as I made my body contort to that of a ball like a child in a mother's womb.
I whispered to myself, "Because You live there."
That's why I'll go back, Yuuto.
--
Author's note: This was actually very easy to make...