Disclaimer: X isn't mine. I'm just blindly in love with Seishirou and Subaru that I can't let them die...
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 8 - Sukoshi dake. (A little more...)
"That's why I'll go back, Yuuto."
"Huh? Did you say something, Kanoe?" I asked as I sat in my chair reading my book.
But there was nothing but silence on her part and I tilted my head in confusion. Then, I shook my head. "I must be hearing things."
But as I read my book, I sighed inwardly. Like the rain that had suddenly trampled down on the Earth these past few days, Kanoe's remark had somewhat disturbed me and caught me off-guard.
"And what do you think of Satsuki, Yuuto?" she had said to me. And I drowned myself in those eyes that seem to pierce me for an answer, but in tone that wasn't supposed to convey jealousy nor accusation.
With my usual casual air, I kissed her and tried to divert the subject. That's what I did best, I think.
My other powers maybe didn't compare the ones I used on mere mortals. I laughed to myself, "I'm starting to talk like the sakurazukamori."
I didn't understand this secretive factor that had found itself whenever Satsuki-chan was concerned. Maybe I didn't want to. Exploring the answer to this peculiar venture had been just as trifling as trying to get a decent conversation from Satsuki herself.
Inside, I honestly felt a little flustered at it.
She had stumped me and I all I could do was smile.
Then again, being the one who knew how carry on with ladies, Kanoe's question simply could be dismissed as, "You just don't mention two names of girls at the same time."
It's taboo.
For a man who has walked about in the rain both without and with an umbrella, I knew where I stood my ground. I knew when to push and when to pull.
"Always know what to do," that's my motto.
You can't get around with just talent, as I learned in school. You had to have an intelligent, yet shrewd and enigmatic air about you too.
And so, as much as I wanted to concentrate on my book, this illusion of flooding myself with words had come to a halt. When the tranquil water of my thoughts were disturbed, they did not cease until I had found a 'perfect' solution or alternative for it.
I think that's where Satsuki and I share a common bond.
So, I sat there looking at the sleeping and volumptous Kanoe while trying to imagine her with computer-loving Satsuki.
I had seen either's face when I mentioned the other. It wasn't like they were mad at each other, but it was if they were competing...
...and I was in the middle of it.
What an odd thing to think.
I got up and closed the door in back of me not really caring if I was in jogging pants and a pajama top. I just needed to get out of that room.
It seemed like a different scent or a different kind of time lapsing whenever I was with Kanoe. Things seemed to go slow because it was as if she could control time itself.
But I knew otherwise.
Click.
At that moment, without knowing it, I had found Satsuki-chan in front of me. She was rubbing her eyes and put her glasses back on. Her hair, which was always pulled back, fell straight down her cheeks.
She didn't look like herself. Or at least, what I was accustomed to.
"Yuuto-san." She said monotonously though there was a hint of surprise in it.
In the next moment, I found myself smiling and saying, "Let's go take a walk."
"Where?" she inquired with looking at me with blank eyes.
"Logical question." I looked at her while rubbing my chin. Then, I patted her shoulder. "Why don't you choose?"
She pulled her head back as if a little disgusted. Then, she thought about it for a minute and answered finally, "The park."
"What park?"
This was certainly a surprise. I didn't expect her to say that. Usually she hated the surface world.
"You asked me where, now I'll show you." She turned around and walked ahead.
That's Satsuki for you. I almost had forgotten because she looked so different...
I shook my head and laughed. "Very direct as usual."
It was then that we found ourselves in a nearby park that I always passed by while going to work. Satsuki just leaned on a tree while overlooking the pond before her. She looked up to the moon that was shining and breathed a little of the air.
"Wow the rain cleared up." I remarked almost in shock.
Force of habit to start a conversation, I guess.
"This is a nice place." I asked as I stood next to her. "Why'd you pick this park?"
"Because...it is quiet."
"Oh." I nodded in agreement. "I remember going somewhere like this once. When I was little I would go to the park by myself and hide behind the bushes. My sister eventually found me after a long while."
"Why did you hide?" She crossed her arms almost in amusement.
"Because I needed space. I didn't understand it when I was a child and I couldn't describe it..." I then looked at her almost ashamed that I was telling her something so vulnerable about myself. "I guess I wanted that feeling of being looked for. To prove that I was cared for. Very stupid, but it made me happy."
I don't know why I'm telling you this. I can never understand why I feel nervous to be next to you, but calm enough to talk to you about so many things.
"Ah." She responded betraying no sense of emotion.
In this contented silence, I simply smiled. There would always be rare moments like this when I would be next to Satsuki-chan and feel like there was nothing else in the world.
And then, I would inwardly frown at this. We...weren't in the same world, in a sense.
I had always wanted to know and ask her of what did she see in that computer world? That world where she was so removed from the human one that I couldn't pull her back?
Why couldn't I tell her, "Stay here"?
Stay here.
It sounded so strange. Stay where? In a world where we're going to die so early from? Stay in a world that wanted to exploit her to use for their own demises?
Stay...for my sake?
That was too selfish and childish. Even for me.
For the both of us.
It was too much to ask...to say...
Maybe it was because I was a coward. Maybe it was the part of me I never wanted to show anyone. The part where I was vulnerable to the want of being needed.
Maybe that's why I always smiled or flirted with lots of women...
To feel that I had some power over this want. To satisfy this want falsely, even...
Even if I was lying to myself.
With Satsuki-chan, these barriers that binded me inside were lifted. But I never felt like I was talking to a machine either.
She too was human. And we were making a connection, whatever that may have been.
But deep inside of myself, I knew there was something more to this care of her well-being. The many times I had questioned my concern had become numerous and it had all come to nothing.
Nothing because all I could do was just stare but not touch her.
With Kanoe, you couldn't do anything but touch her. She made you feel like you needed her...but that wasn't the kind of need I wanted.
It was more than a physical or sexual need...it was an intellectual one. She always amazed me about how she could read people so well and know exactly what they wanted and needed.
But then again, her experience as a secretary could have shaped such a woman, and one of an official?
There's more...I know there is.
I guess I stay with her because...because...I can't-
Satsuki-chan broke the silence and said, "I'll go back now. Thank you for accompanying me."
I didn't want her to go yet. I wanted more time. I could never get enough time to just even look at her.
Why was there never enough time? People were always with us...issues...work...everything...
"Always so polite." I replied half in a joke.
But, maybe there was something about that moment that made us different. And there I found something that I had always searched for...
Satsuki-chan really smiled at me.
"You're welcome." I bowed my head in politeness.
But I...
I want to touch you...
Can't keep living like this...
Without care or reason, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was really losing my head.
Satsuki stood there frozen before me. "Yuuto-san?"
I buried my face in her hair and inhaled that sweet scent that only belonged to her.
I know you don't need me, Satsuki-chan. You always know what you are doing and how to do it, but...
I feel that 'want' is gone whenever I'm with you. I don't feel the fake confidence that I always give with a sly smile on my face.
But I was left with nothing.
I knew nothing about you.
Nothing at all.
I thought I didn't until you smiled at me.
All I know is that I like who I am embracing right now. The girl who likes quiet and who loves her computer more than she should.
Just like my sister holding me like this years ago, I held Satsuki tighter. And not really knowing why.
I then whispered to her ear, "Found you."
--
Author's note: Yuuto...* sighs * I know it seems awkward, but there was something inside of me that just wanted him to touch Satsuki, whatever the consequences.
It took me a long time to figure what I wanted to do, but I'm glad I know now. I thought I was losing focus...and I was. Because of that, I will have to hold out for a while to finish two fanfics so that I make this one just as well as I want it to be.
Thank you for your support so far and I hope I have captured the essence of each of X character that I have already talked about or will in the near future...
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 8 - Sukoshi dake. (A little more...)
"That's why I'll go back, Yuuto."
"Huh? Did you say something, Kanoe?" I asked as I sat in my chair reading my book.
But there was nothing but silence on her part and I tilted my head in confusion. Then, I shook my head. "I must be hearing things."
But as I read my book, I sighed inwardly. Like the rain that had suddenly trampled down on the Earth these past few days, Kanoe's remark had somewhat disturbed me and caught me off-guard.
"And what do you think of Satsuki, Yuuto?" she had said to me. And I drowned myself in those eyes that seem to pierce me for an answer, but in tone that wasn't supposed to convey jealousy nor accusation.
With my usual casual air, I kissed her and tried to divert the subject. That's what I did best, I think.
My other powers maybe didn't compare the ones I used on mere mortals. I laughed to myself, "I'm starting to talk like the sakurazukamori."
I didn't understand this secretive factor that had found itself whenever Satsuki-chan was concerned. Maybe I didn't want to. Exploring the answer to this peculiar venture had been just as trifling as trying to get a decent conversation from Satsuki herself.
Inside, I honestly felt a little flustered at it.
She had stumped me and I all I could do was smile.
Then again, being the one who knew how carry on with ladies, Kanoe's question simply could be dismissed as, "You just don't mention two names of girls at the same time."
It's taboo.
For a man who has walked about in the rain both without and with an umbrella, I knew where I stood my ground. I knew when to push and when to pull.
"Always know what to do," that's my motto.
You can't get around with just talent, as I learned in school. You had to have an intelligent, yet shrewd and enigmatic air about you too.
And so, as much as I wanted to concentrate on my book, this illusion of flooding myself with words had come to a halt. When the tranquil water of my thoughts were disturbed, they did not cease until I had found a 'perfect' solution or alternative for it.
I think that's where Satsuki and I share a common bond.
So, I sat there looking at the sleeping and volumptous Kanoe while trying to imagine her with computer-loving Satsuki.
I had seen either's face when I mentioned the other. It wasn't like they were mad at each other, but it was if they were competing...
...and I was in the middle of it.
What an odd thing to think.
I got up and closed the door in back of me not really caring if I was in jogging pants and a pajama top. I just needed to get out of that room.
It seemed like a different scent or a different kind of time lapsing whenever I was with Kanoe. Things seemed to go slow because it was as if she could control time itself.
But I knew otherwise.
Click.
At that moment, without knowing it, I had found Satsuki-chan in front of me. She was rubbing her eyes and put her glasses back on. Her hair, which was always pulled back, fell straight down her cheeks.
She didn't look like herself. Or at least, what I was accustomed to.
"Yuuto-san." She said monotonously though there was a hint of surprise in it.
In the next moment, I found myself smiling and saying, "Let's go take a walk."
"Where?" she inquired with looking at me with blank eyes.
"Logical question." I looked at her while rubbing my chin. Then, I patted her shoulder. "Why don't you choose?"
She pulled her head back as if a little disgusted. Then, she thought about it for a minute and answered finally, "The park."
"What park?"
This was certainly a surprise. I didn't expect her to say that. Usually she hated the surface world.
"You asked me where, now I'll show you." She turned around and walked ahead.
That's Satsuki for you. I almost had forgotten because she looked so different...
I shook my head and laughed. "Very direct as usual."
It was then that we found ourselves in a nearby park that I always passed by while going to work. Satsuki just leaned on a tree while overlooking the pond before her. She looked up to the moon that was shining and breathed a little of the air.
"Wow the rain cleared up." I remarked almost in shock.
Force of habit to start a conversation, I guess.
"This is a nice place." I asked as I stood next to her. "Why'd you pick this park?"
"Because...it is quiet."
"Oh." I nodded in agreement. "I remember going somewhere like this once. When I was little I would go to the park by myself and hide behind the bushes. My sister eventually found me after a long while."
"Why did you hide?" She crossed her arms almost in amusement.
"Because I needed space. I didn't understand it when I was a child and I couldn't describe it..." I then looked at her almost ashamed that I was telling her something so vulnerable about myself. "I guess I wanted that feeling of being looked for. To prove that I was cared for. Very stupid, but it made me happy."
I don't know why I'm telling you this. I can never understand why I feel nervous to be next to you, but calm enough to talk to you about so many things.
"Ah." She responded betraying no sense of emotion.
In this contented silence, I simply smiled. There would always be rare moments like this when I would be next to Satsuki-chan and feel like there was nothing else in the world.
And then, I would inwardly frown at this. We...weren't in the same world, in a sense.
I had always wanted to know and ask her of what did she see in that computer world? That world where she was so removed from the human one that I couldn't pull her back?
Why couldn't I tell her, "Stay here"?
Stay here.
It sounded so strange. Stay where? In a world where we're going to die so early from? Stay in a world that wanted to exploit her to use for their own demises?
Stay...for my sake?
That was too selfish and childish. Even for me.
For the both of us.
It was too much to ask...to say...
Maybe it was because I was a coward. Maybe it was the part of me I never wanted to show anyone. The part where I was vulnerable to the want of being needed.
Maybe that's why I always smiled or flirted with lots of women...
To feel that I had some power over this want. To satisfy this want falsely, even...
Even if I was lying to myself.
With Satsuki-chan, these barriers that binded me inside were lifted. But I never felt like I was talking to a machine either.
She too was human. And we were making a connection, whatever that may have been.
But deep inside of myself, I knew there was something more to this care of her well-being. The many times I had questioned my concern had become numerous and it had all come to nothing.
Nothing because all I could do was just stare but not touch her.
With Kanoe, you couldn't do anything but touch her. She made you feel like you needed her...but that wasn't the kind of need I wanted.
It was more than a physical or sexual need...it was an intellectual one. She always amazed me about how she could read people so well and know exactly what they wanted and needed.
But then again, her experience as a secretary could have shaped such a woman, and one of an official?
There's more...I know there is.
I guess I stay with her because...because...I can't-
Satsuki-chan broke the silence and said, "I'll go back now. Thank you for accompanying me."
I didn't want her to go yet. I wanted more time. I could never get enough time to just even look at her.
Why was there never enough time? People were always with us...issues...work...everything...
"Always so polite." I replied half in a joke.
But, maybe there was something about that moment that made us different. And there I found something that I had always searched for...
Satsuki-chan really smiled at me.
"You're welcome." I bowed my head in politeness.
But I...
I want to touch you...
Can't keep living like this...
Without care or reason, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was really losing my head.
Satsuki stood there frozen before me. "Yuuto-san?"
I buried my face in her hair and inhaled that sweet scent that only belonged to her.
I know you don't need me, Satsuki-chan. You always know what you are doing and how to do it, but...
I feel that 'want' is gone whenever I'm with you. I don't feel the fake confidence that I always give with a sly smile on my face.
But I was left with nothing.
I knew nothing about you.
Nothing at all.
I thought I didn't until you smiled at me.
All I know is that I like who I am embracing right now. The girl who likes quiet and who loves her computer more than she should.
Just like my sister holding me like this years ago, I held Satsuki tighter. And not really knowing why.
I then whispered to her ear, "Found you."
--
Author's note: Yuuto...* sighs * I know it seems awkward, but there was something inside of me that just wanted him to touch Satsuki, whatever the consequences.
It took me a long time to figure what I wanted to do, but I'm glad I know now. I thought I was losing focus...and I was. Because of that, I will have to hold out for a while to finish two fanfics so that I make this one just as well as I want it to be.
Thank you for your support so far and I hope I have captured the essence of each of X character that I have already talked about or will in the near future...