disclaimer: X is owned by Clamp. Megami's mine though.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
When the wind had died down, the pages revealed a feminine hand upon it as it read, "Found you! That's what he said sweetly to me while I was crying my eyes out..."
In an abandoned home, no one no longer resides there. But it was never by choice, as was the tradition. Father slain in the line of family obligations. A mother literally torn into pieces. A son's spirit died like a flame and is enclosed in his silent anger. A daughter who had lost contact with the real world.
No one knew the truth but the ones whose lives were integrated in some sadistic and cruel game of war. A war for and against humanity...
Still, the faded writing remains on that page. It holds onto dear life, but it flips to another page in the bitter end.
Like the girl who wrote her unspoken wishes on lonely paper...
Chapter 9 - Indistinguishable.
"It's another ordinary day I guess. I should have been sleeping by now, but I couldn't fall into dream world.
I am looking out of the window right now. And there are so many beautiful stars out tonight.
But I wonder why I don't feel peaceful. Everything is quiet and I hum to the melody that was playing on the radio. I think it was another new single by Megami Nemuitteruno called, 'Oboeteimasu' (I remember):
'I remember the times
that seem to be fading from memory.
Holding hands, no cares
Holding lies, and truth
In my hands over to yours.
I taste the tears that you cried for me
Today.
This morning, I breathed the air
and thought you were there
waiting below the windowsill
I was leaning from.
Smiling only for me,
that gentleness
that is only yours.
I thought I just saw you
Walking over to me
After all these years,
you tell me that there were none.
No separation.
Again, the wind sings a song,
I remember you made me wish,
a promise,
a miracle only for me.
I didn't know what to say
And so I stood there quietly
with your warm hand holding mine.
I remember,
your face...
Your face is fading.
I'm falling asleep in the rain
Standing in the middle of nowhere,
I remember nothing.
I want to remember your touch...
Everything.
Even if it's just yoru smile,
I just want your gentle smile...
That alone,
I remember now
in this disease called sorrow.
Do you still remember me?
Please remember me.'
But today isn't an ordinary day is it? Today is Kamui's birthday. And every year since he left, I've been celebrating it quietly to myself.
I miss him a lot...
I miss him too much.
And every year, I pray just as much to hope that he is safe...
Kamui. It's a name I never say, but always try to think about. Maybe I might not ever see him again, all I can do is hope right? Hope that he hasn't changed.
When I think of you, kindness always comes to mind. But with that thought, I also sigh.
I remember when it was your birthday and you said that we should go to the hill that was on the other side of town. I asked why, but you said that it was a surprise.
And we both looked at the stars that night.
But even until now, I smile to myself and giggle a little. Oh Kamui...
I remember that time we got lost coming home and you held my hand all the way home. You kept on telling me you'd take me back safe and sound.
I'll protect you, Kotori. That's what you said to me.
And I trusted that completely. Even if you said it until now, I'd still believe it. Whatever it may be...Even if you were wrong...
Looking around the streets like you knew where we were going, I smiled knowing you would.
But I knew how scared you were. Even though I was scared too, I knew that as long as you were there, it would be all right.
Childish, ne? But we were only how old at the time.
We were scolded by our parents for staying out too late. And Ni-chan even had to explain to us that staying out late was very bad...even though he would have gone if he would.
Ni-chan. I wonder why everyone is scared of you. But you are gentle, and very good to me. You always take good care of me...
But I had a disturbing dream last night. And in that dream, you left me all alone. I almost didn't think it was you until you looked at me with eyes that didn't know me.
You looked past me. You looked at me as if I weren't there.
I tried to run and call out for you, but you weren't listening to me. And I found it even more strange when I was running while crying and fell, that someone held my waist to keep me from falling.
I looked up and saw that it was Kamui. Kamui with that smile as if nothing had changed.
You were my age. I was seeing you as if you were really here in front of me.
And so I was shocked with my mouth not saying anything.
I glanced at the path you were walking, Ni-chan and I gazed at Kamui. I didn't know what to pick, so I was getting frustrated.
Kamui took my hand and said, "Come on. Let's go."
"Where are we going?" I asked. He smiled again and held my hand tighter.
"We're going to get Fuuma-chan back." He answered.
I nodded, but there was a feeling even more sad and confusing than this. "What do you mean we're going to get my Ni-chan back?"
Kamui shook his head and kept on running after Ni-chan. He appeared as if he didn't tell me. That...he couldn't tell me at all.
I wish I could understand this dream. I was very sad that Ni-chan had seemed changed, but I was so happy that Kamui was back here.
Deep inside of me, I still hope that I will see Kamui before anything happens. Because in my dreams, sometimes they come true in real life.
I don't want this to happen. I tell Ni-chan about these things, but he says not to worry about it. I try not to, but I can't help it.
There is still that feeling.
All these questions I want to still ask father...about mother. I want to ask why there is something blocked out of my memory.
I want to ask why did Kamui and Aunty go away. I want to ask why I sometimes feel like I shouldn't let go of my brother when he goes to his classroom.
I want to ask why Kamui's face is fading from my memory. And all I can remember now is that assuring smile.
I love you Ni-chan and I love you Kamui.
Love you too much to let you go so easily...
Maybe what I am scared about is if this feeling of care, tenderness and love will become a fading memory.
Silly as it may seem, I think what I fear the most than losing both of them, is if they
change to be people that I can no longer recognize.
Ni-chan. I feel like you're going to leave me one day, but I keep on trying to push that thought away.
Kamui.
You still love Vanilla right? Would you still take care of me? Do you still love me?
I fear especially you, Kamui have been just a love from my memory...
I hope not..."
* teardrop stain *
Through an open window, in the middle of the night, a gust of wind again blows. And it lands on a pencil sketch of a boy. His bangs are covering his face. But from this left profile upon lined paper, a cute, yet embarrassed smile emerges.
And it is signed by the girl,
"Kamui, I couldn't see you and so you were fading from my mind. But today, you had changed and wouldn't even look at me. *stain* I couldn't even touch you. * drip *
My chest feels so heavy until now. And I couldn't stand to even cry in front of you.
Where did my Kamui go? Maybe my picture is all I have now. This picture I drew and the memory locked inside of me..."
* Teardrop stains crease the edges of the diary*
But, the rain has started to form again with a strong wind. The water from the sky floats on the pages one by one until it makes the pages become smeared with pen marks...
Everything has become indistinguishable.
Never to be read,
never to be reawakened.
--
Author's note: I had planned to use someone else, but since Kat has been a good list owner, I decided to dedicate this to her. ^_^ It's her birthday.
I made this while listening to Hyde's 'Shallow Sleep'.
Since Kotori's dead, it was kind of awkward to introduce this. But I think I really like this one because of the mix of alliteration and changes in perspectives.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
When the wind had died down, the pages revealed a feminine hand upon it as it read, "Found you! That's what he said sweetly to me while I was crying my eyes out..."
In an abandoned home, no one no longer resides there. But it was never by choice, as was the tradition. Father slain in the line of family obligations. A mother literally torn into pieces. A son's spirit died like a flame and is enclosed in his silent anger. A daughter who had lost contact with the real world.
No one knew the truth but the ones whose lives were integrated in some sadistic and cruel game of war. A war for and against humanity...
Still, the faded writing remains on that page. It holds onto dear life, but it flips to another page in the bitter end.
Like the girl who wrote her unspoken wishes on lonely paper...
Chapter 9 - Indistinguishable.
"It's another ordinary day I guess. I should have been sleeping by now, but I couldn't fall into dream world.
I am looking out of the window right now. And there are so many beautiful stars out tonight.
But I wonder why I don't feel peaceful. Everything is quiet and I hum to the melody that was playing on the radio. I think it was another new single by Megami Nemuitteruno called, 'Oboeteimasu' (I remember):
'I remember the times
that seem to be fading from memory.
Holding hands, no cares
Holding lies, and truth
In my hands over to yours.
I taste the tears that you cried for me
Today.
This morning, I breathed the air
and thought you were there
waiting below the windowsill
I was leaning from.
Smiling only for me,
that gentleness
that is only yours.
I thought I just saw you
Walking over to me
After all these years,
you tell me that there were none.
No separation.
Again, the wind sings a song,
I remember you made me wish,
a promise,
a miracle only for me.
I didn't know what to say
And so I stood there quietly
with your warm hand holding mine.
I remember,
your face...
Your face is fading.
I'm falling asleep in the rain
Standing in the middle of nowhere,
I remember nothing.
I want to remember your touch...
Everything.
Even if it's just yoru smile,
I just want your gentle smile...
That alone,
I remember now
in this disease called sorrow.
Do you still remember me?
Please remember me.'
But today isn't an ordinary day is it? Today is Kamui's birthday. And every year since he left, I've been celebrating it quietly to myself.
I miss him a lot...
I miss him too much.
And every year, I pray just as much to hope that he is safe...
Kamui. It's a name I never say, but always try to think about. Maybe I might not ever see him again, all I can do is hope right? Hope that he hasn't changed.
When I think of you, kindness always comes to mind. But with that thought, I also sigh.
I remember when it was your birthday and you said that we should go to the hill that was on the other side of town. I asked why, but you said that it was a surprise.
And we both looked at the stars that night.
But even until now, I smile to myself and giggle a little. Oh Kamui...
I remember that time we got lost coming home and you held my hand all the way home. You kept on telling me you'd take me back safe and sound.
I'll protect you, Kotori. That's what you said to me.
And I trusted that completely. Even if you said it until now, I'd still believe it. Whatever it may be...Even if you were wrong...
Looking around the streets like you knew where we were going, I smiled knowing you would.
But I knew how scared you were. Even though I was scared too, I knew that as long as you were there, it would be all right.
Childish, ne? But we were only how old at the time.
We were scolded by our parents for staying out too late. And Ni-chan even had to explain to us that staying out late was very bad...even though he would have gone if he would.
Ni-chan. I wonder why everyone is scared of you. But you are gentle, and very good to me. You always take good care of me...
But I had a disturbing dream last night. And in that dream, you left me all alone. I almost didn't think it was you until you looked at me with eyes that didn't know me.
You looked past me. You looked at me as if I weren't there.
I tried to run and call out for you, but you weren't listening to me. And I found it even more strange when I was running while crying and fell, that someone held my waist to keep me from falling.
I looked up and saw that it was Kamui. Kamui with that smile as if nothing had changed.
You were my age. I was seeing you as if you were really here in front of me.
And so I was shocked with my mouth not saying anything.
I glanced at the path you were walking, Ni-chan and I gazed at Kamui. I didn't know what to pick, so I was getting frustrated.
Kamui took my hand and said, "Come on. Let's go."
"Where are we going?" I asked. He smiled again and held my hand tighter.
"We're going to get Fuuma-chan back." He answered.
I nodded, but there was a feeling even more sad and confusing than this. "What do you mean we're going to get my Ni-chan back?"
Kamui shook his head and kept on running after Ni-chan. He appeared as if he didn't tell me. That...he couldn't tell me at all.
I wish I could understand this dream. I was very sad that Ni-chan had seemed changed, but I was so happy that Kamui was back here.
Deep inside of me, I still hope that I will see Kamui before anything happens. Because in my dreams, sometimes they come true in real life.
I don't want this to happen. I tell Ni-chan about these things, but he says not to worry about it. I try not to, but I can't help it.
There is still that feeling.
All these questions I want to still ask father...about mother. I want to ask why there is something blocked out of my memory.
I want to ask why did Kamui and Aunty go away. I want to ask why I sometimes feel like I shouldn't let go of my brother when he goes to his classroom.
I want to ask why Kamui's face is fading from my memory. And all I can remember now is that assuring smile.
I love you Ni-chan and I love you Kamui.
Love you too much to let you go so easily...
Maybe what I am scared about is if this feeling of care, tenderness and love will become a fading memory.
Silly as it may seem, I think what I fear the most than losing both of them, is if they
change to be people that I can no longer recognize.
Ni-chan. I feel like you're going to leave me one day, but I keep on trying to push that thought away.
Kamui.
You still love Vanilla right? Would you still take care of me? Do you still love me?
I fear especially you, Kamui have been just a love from my memory...
I hope not..."
* teardrop stain *
Through an open window, in the middle of the night, a gust of wind again blows. And it lands on a pencil sketch of a boy. His bangs are covering his face. But from this left profile upon lined paper, a cute, yet embarrassed smile emerges.
And it is signed by the girl,
"Kamui, I couldn't see you and so you were fading from my mind. But today, you had changed and wouldn't even look at me. *stain* I couldn't even touch you. * drip *
My chest feels so heavy until now. And I couldn't stand to even cry in front of you.
Where did my Kamui go? Maybe my picture is all I have now. This picture I drew and the memory locked inside of me..."
* Teardrop stains crease the edges of the diary*
But, the rain has started to form again with a strong wind. The water from the sky floats on the pages one by one until it makes the pages become smeared with pen marks...
Everything has become indistinguishable.
Never to be read,
never to be reawakened.
--
Author's note: I had planned to use someone else, but since Kat has been a good list owner, I decided to dedicate this to her. ^_^ It's her birthday.
I made this while listening to Hyde's 'Shallow Sleep'.
Since Kotori's dead, it was kind of awkward to introduce this. But I think I really like this one because of the mix of alliteration and changes in perspectives.