Disclaimer: X belongs to Clamp.
Note: It will be kind of confusing. Hinoto will sometimes refer to moving, but it is only within her mind that she is able to do so.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 10 - Ningen to ningyo. (Human and doll.)
All memories before coming here have been erased from my heart, never to be reawakened.
What is this strange thought that floats in my unconsciousness? And my eyelids flutter about in confusion.
That's right...
My mind also tells me. It reminds me:
You'll never see it.
Never touch it.
Never say it.
What is there left in this crystal ball world in which I am encapsuled in? What is good about being inside imaginary glass?
Nothing but dreams...
A Yumemi sees the future and yet they have none of their own. Manipulated to be something more than human, yet treated less than one.
Where is this cube, this barrier that keeps a yumemi inside?
Inside yourself, she says.
My dark side embraces me and all I can do is lean back powerless.
To be deceived by this warmth...to be able to touch someone. Even if it is an illusion of feeling the beating of my own heart.
I did not choose to become a yumemi, it was something my mother had secretly kept to herself. And she had chosen to give me to the government thinking that was the best way to keep me alive.
I wish she had just killed me.
Humans...especially mothers that think that they can do the best for their children. They are more selfish to their weaknesses.
And I am a corpse among the living.
Day after day passes and I sit here waiting painfully in this silence. Only the darkness secedes when I am asked to look for a possibility, these things that are called dreams.
Even if I had to invade another's, I wandered for years searching for that feeling denied to me.
I cannot see. I cannot speak. I cannot move.
I am nothing but a doll.
Give me affection when you want to. Hurt me when you can't take it. Lock me up so that I'll never feel the light of day.
I am always surrounded by darkness. And the darkness has become my friend.
Is it not what you want, Hinoto?
That's what my other side tells me.
She is the embodiement of what I want to be and want to feel. The insecurities that have accumulated in all these decades and years that have passed. I still have not gotten used to this treatment. I've just been so accustomed to something that could have been worse.
The passion, the light that I seek, I want to see more. Searching through all these dreams whether they are nightmares or something more, I wanted to do more. To feel more than I ever could.
But still, I sit here in the silence.
This unsteady silence in which my inner chaos can never quench.
"You'll age slowly," the researchers had said to me a long time ago.
That potion was only to keep me alive longer.
I have already forgotten how old I really am.
They get to live how long or short they want. In the end, Humans always want more and more. They forget that they don't need all these superfluous things.
But I...I who is falsely respected more than one, and treated just as brutally...
I want to take advantage of what life has to give...
Even a little.
This was what dwelled in the corners of my heart through all the silence inside and outside of myself.
How can a doll learn to love and long for things?
I cannot.
It has all been numbed away.
Always putting my head politely, I do not even know how to cry. I've forgotten how.
Who really loves you? The twins?
Aren't they just here in service to me?
Who really respects you?
Aren't they just wanting something from you?
Who really cares for you?
Aren't they just concerned so that they'll get some sort of answers to their questions?
Who really listens to your voice?
Aren't they just saying things pleasing to your ear so that they won't be in bad terms with you?
Who really touches you?
Aren't they shocked and curious about why you ended the way you did?
Who really asks what do _you_ want?
No one.
No one but myself. Even if it's this abyss inside my own heart.
Looking at my reflection, I am being pulled in. Resisting outwardly, but I know otherwise. How can you deny yourself these emotions?
I was human too. I know I was...
"Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!" she had screamed while pulling away from Mother.
Kanoe! But I could not speak.
"Don't take her away! Mother do something!"
Mother was holding onto her tightly.
"They won't take care of her, Mother!! Get her back!!!"
It is too late, Kanoe...
Your wish won't be fulfilled. I'm so sorry...
"I can take you away, Hinoto-hime," one mad had said.
But you aren't sincere.
"I will listen to your please. There must be something," a woman had said.
But you will end up asking me for your own answers.
"Can I not care for you?" some senator had asked.
You cannot even take care of yourself. You ended coming to ask me questions, didn't you?
"I respect you deeply." a company president had said.
Because of what I can do.
"I love you." someone had whispered.
You liar.
So many answers and just as many questions without conclusions.
I know more than anyone that a dream is more than a mere dream. A yumemi feels the inner yearning that other people cannot see.
It is almost like seeing someone's heart transparently.
There are no mysteries.
In the process, though, a yumemi also denies their own...
And so I have become dependent on others and their dreams because I cannot have my own. Like a parasite I crawl silently through countless reveries. I depend on their emotions so that I may see something that I'll never feel...
I am truly just a doll.
Not human at all.
But deep, very deep inside myself...
I...
I want to live freely. Even as decrepit as this...
That's all...
To see one ray of sunshine.
To touch a flower.
To taste something more than tears.
To hear someone say, "It's okay."
To feel someone else's heart.
To actually say, "Thank you with all my heart."
And Kanoe...
I...I do not know.
You seek for something that can never be saved.
Maybe I do also.
I long for something impossible...
Then, I remembered the only thing that counted as my moment of happiness:
One day when I had turned away and faced the wall behind me, the twins had gone out for a bit and there was Saiki left alone with me.
And I could feel him kneeling before me with his head down.
"Hinoto-hime?" he had asked. "May I ask you a question?"
"Yes, Saiki-dono." I nodded my head.
"Why are facing the wall?" he innocently asked.
"I just wanted to do something different..." Then, I turned my head, "Maybe, it is like when you bow your head to me."
"Sumimasen." That's all he could say to me and he had become flustered.
"Do you only bow your head because I am Hinoto-hime?" I had asked.
"No..." he trailed off.
I liked this boy. He was quiet, but obedient to every one of my whims.
He had always been honest with me.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course."
'Anything' his mind had said...
I turned around to face him. "How do I look like to you?"
Then, I could feel like his temperature had risen when he answered, "You have long white hair and wear a pretty white kimono. Your eyes are red along with your lips..."
He then said, "You are very beautiful."
Then, to blurted out, "Hinoto-hime? What do you really want? Is there anything I can do for you?"
And I gasped.
Simple and ordinary. But I could feel the nervousness around him as if he would melt with what he said.
The unspoken words that vibrated from his being.
A boy...
he was the only who could understand the things I could never even begin to think of saying...
"Saiki-dono..." I mumbled.
If I could cry, I would have. If I could smile, I would have. If I could touch his hand to tell him thank you, I would have.
These simple things that people took forgranted, I cherished with all my heart.
He didn't come in here for anything...
He wanted nothing from me...
I think that was what made my heart happier than I could ever feel and eased the loneliness of being alone in the darkness all these long years.
I think that was also the saddest moment in my life, even more painful than when Kanoe shouted for me to return to her...
I realized at that moment something that had stabbed me more than being alone in my head...
Even with all the power I had...
Even with all the visions I had to predict for this world...
In the end, I could do nothing.
I could only sit and watch everything around me quietly.
I am a beautiful, broken doll.
--
Author's note: Hinoto's personality and circumstances are very very different than from any other character in the whole series. And so I kept on thinking, "What is Hinoto-san's most important part? What is it that makes her so vulnerable also?"
And this was what came out. Hinoto is more than human and yet she is treated less than one. The contrasts deeply intrigued me and so her inner struggle was the drive for this story.
I've learned that I like the characters more after doing their chapters...
It's such a mysterious thing how life circles. One of my first published poems was called "Broken Doll"...because I used to think about myself this way...
Note: It will be kind of confusing. Hinoto will sometimes refer to moving, but it is only within her mind that she is able to do so.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 10 - Ningen to ningyo. (Human and doll.)
All memories before coming here have been erased from my heart, never to be reawakened.
What is this strange thought that floats in my unconsciousness? And my eyelids flutter about in confusion.
That's right...
My mind also tells me. It reminds me:
You'll never see it.
Never touch it.
Never say it.
What is there left in this crystal ball world in which I am encapsuled in? What is good about being inside imaginary glass?
Nothing but dreams...
A Yumemi sees the future and yet they have none of their own. Manipulated to be something more than human, yet treated less than one.
Where is this cube, this barrier that keeps a yumemi inside?
Inside yourself, she says.
My dark side embraces me and all I can do is lean back powerless.
To be deceived by this warmth...to be able to touch someone. Even if it is an illusion of feeling the beating of my own heart.
I did not choose to become a yumemi, it was something my mother had secretly kept to herself. And she had chosen to give me to the government thinking that was the best way to keep me alive.
I wish she had just killed me.
Humans...especially mothers that think that they can do the best for their children. They are more selfish to their weaknesses.
And I am a corpse among the living.
Day after day passes and I sit here waiting painfully in this silence. Only the darkness secedes when I am asked to look for a possibility, these things that are called dreams.
Even if I had to invade another's, I wandered for years searching for that feeling denied to me.
I cannot see. I cannot speak. I cannot move.
I am nothing but a doll.
Give me affection when you want to. Hurt me when you can't take it. Lock me up so that I'll never feel the light of day.
I am always surrounded by darkness. And the darkness has become my friend.
Is it not what you want, Hinoto?
That's what my other side tells me.
She is the embodiement of what I want to be and want to feel. The insecurities that have accumulated in all these decades and years that have passed. I still have not gotten used to this treatment. I've just been so accustomed to something that could have been worse.
The passion, the light that I seek, I want to see more. Searching through all these dreams whether they are nightmares or something more, I wanted to do more. To feel more than I ever could.
But still, I sit here in the silence.
This unsteady silence in which my inner chaos can never quench.
"You'll age slowly," the researchers had said to me a long time ago.
That potion was only to keep me alive longer.
I have already forgotten how old I really am.
They get to live how long or short they want. In the end, Humans always want more and more. They forget that they don't need all these superfluous things.
But I...I who is falsely respected more than one, and treated just as brutally...
I want to take advantage of what life has to give...
Even a little.
This was what dwelled in the corners of my heart through all the silence inside and outside of myself.
How can a doll learn to love and long for things?
I cannot.
It has all been numbed away.
Always putting my head politely, I do not even know how to cry. I've forgotten how.
Who really loves you? The twins?
Aren't they just here in service to me?
Who really respects you?
Aren't they just wanting something from you?
Who really cares for you?
Aren't they just concerned so that they'll get some sort of answers to their questions?
Who really listens to your voice?
Aren't they just saying things pleasing to your ear so that they won't be in bad terms with you?
Who really touches you?
Aren't they shocked and curious about why you ended the way you did?
Who really asks what do _you_ want?
No one.
No one but myself. Even if it's this abyss inside my own heart.
Looking at my reflection, I am being pulled in. Resisting outwardly, but I know otherwise. How can you deny yourself these emotions?
I was human too. I know I was...
"Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!" she had screamed while pulling away from Mother.
Kanoe! But I could not speak.
"Don't take her away! Mother do something!"
Mother was holding onto her tightly.
"They won't take care of her, Mother!! Get her back!!!"
It is too late, Kanoe...
Your wish won't be fulfilled. I'm so sorry...
"I can take you away, Hinoto-hime," one mad had said.
But you aren't sincere.
"I will listen to your please. There must be something," a woman had said.
But you will end up asking me for your own answers.
"Can I not care for you?" some senator had asked.
You cannot even take care of yourself. You ended coming to ask me questions, didn't you?
"I respect you deeply." a company president had said.
Because of what I can do.
"I love you." someone had whispered.
You liar.
So many answers and just as many questions without conclusions.
I know more than anyone that a dream is more than a mere dream. A yumemi feels the inner yearning that other people cannot see.
It is almost like seeing someone's heart transparently.
There are no mysteries.
In the process, though, a yumemi also denies their own...
And so I have become dependent on others and their dreams because I cannot have my own. Like a parasite I crawl silently through countless reveries. I depend on their emotions so that I may see something that I'll never feel...
I am truly just a doll.
Not human at all.
But deep, very deep inside myself...
I...
I want to live freely. Even as decrepit as this...
That's all...
To see one ray of sunshine.
To touch a flower.
To taste something more than tears.
To hear someone say, "It's okay."
To feel someone else's heart.
To actually say, "Thank you with all my heart."
And Kanoe...
I...I do not know.
You seek for something that can never be saved.
Maybe I do also.
I long for something impossible...
Then, I remembered the only thing that counted as my moment of happiness:
One day when I had turned away and faced the wall behind me, the twins had gone out for a bit and there was Saiki left alone with me.
And I could feel him kneeling before me with his head down.
"Hinoto-hime?" he had asked. "May I ask you a question?"
"Yes, Saiki-dono." I nodded my head.
"Why are facing the wall?" he innocently asked.
"I just wanted to do something different..." Then, I turned my head, "Maybe, it is like when you bow your head to me."
"Sumimasen." That's all he could say to me and he had become flustered.
"Do you only bow your head because I am Hinoto-hime?" I had asked.
"No..." he trailed off.
I liked this boy. He was quiet, but obedient to every one of my whims.
He had always been honest with me.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course."
'Anything' his mind had said...
I turned around to face him. "How do I look like to you?"
Then, I could feel like his temperature had risen when he answered, "You have long white hair and wear a pretty white kimono. Your eyes are red along with your lips..."
He then said, "You are very beautiful."
Then, to blurted out, "Hinoto-hime? What do you really want? Is there anything I can do for you?"
And I gasped.
Simple and ordinary. But I could feel the nervousness around him as if he would melt with what he said.
The unspoken words that vibrated from his being.
A boy...
he was the only who could understand the things I could never even begin to think of saying...
"Saiki-dono..." I mumbled.
If I could cry, I would have. If I could smile, I would have. If I could touch his hand to tell him thank you, I would have.
These simple things that people took forgranted, I cherished with all my heart.
He didn't come in here for anything...
He wanted nothing from me...
I think that was what made my heart happier than I could ever feel and eased the loneliness of being alone in the darkness all these long years.
I think that was also the saddest moment in my life, even more painful than when Kanoe shouted for me to return to her...
I realized at that moment something that had stabbed me more than being alone in my head...
Even with all the power I had...
Even with all the visions I had to predict for this world...
In the end, I could do nothing.
I could only sit and watch everything around me quietly.
I am a beautiful, broken doll.
--
Author's note: Hinoto's personality and circumstances are very very different than from any other character in the whole series. And so I kept on thinking, "What is Hinoto-san's most important part? What is it that makes her so vulnerable also?"
And this was what came out. Hinoto is more than human and yet she is treated less than one. The contrasts deeply intrigued me and so her inner struggle was the drive for this story.
I've learned that I like the characters more after doing their chapters...
It's such a mysterious thing how life circles. One of my first published poems was called "Broken Doll"...because I used to think about myself this way...