Disclaimer: X is by Clamp and therefore not mine.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 11 - Never enough.
A sudden thought came to pass within me, "I am a beautiful, broken doll."
I immediately looked at Hinoto-hime who had been always sitting in her chamber like a living preservation. The silky curtains that bathed her little area fell in perfect disarray just like her long, white hair.
To me, she always seemed like she was in quiet chaos.
She wasn't only fighting Tokyo.
She was fighting herself.
As I was. Fighting her...myself...
fighting the things I should and shouldn't do.
"Pardon me, Hinoto-hime?" I had said as I gulped at the same time while kneeling before her. "Was there something you needed?"
"You heard me, didn't you, Saiki-dono?" A sweet voice had entered into my head once again and all I could do was become dumbfounded.
I...I didn't mean to.
This sometimes happens...
Was it because my feelings were strong enough to penetrate into hers?
Impossible...
Even more fortunate for me, thankfully the two were not here. They would have certainly given me a look for addressing the Princess in such a 'casual' way.
"Heard what?" I innocently asked.
"What I just said to myself."
Soft tap.
My hands slightly fell to the ground. I looked to the floor though she could not have seen me do so. She could only feel me...
And my stomach began to become twisted into knots. They stretching and stretching inside of me.
It was stupid, but I always felt like I wanted to cry in front of her. It wasn't because I was cowardly...
...it was because I wish we could have switched places.
If only I could give her-
"I...I did, Hinoto-hime." I swallowed hard and still looked down to the floor.
"Saiki-dono? Why are looking to the floor?"
"Because..." I sighed inwardly.
How can I tell you my answers while my heart is beating faster and faster and I'm trembling like I'm going to pass out? How can I articulate all these thoughts passing in a flash flood in my veins to my heart and not reaching my head?
How can I-
"You are always honest to me, Saiki-dono. Please tell me."
Her words echoed to me like a plea that weighed as much as the depth of a tear.
"Oshiete kudasai," her voice repeated in my mind.
"Your eyes...it's because of your eyes."
"Are they also broken? I cannot tell."
I shook my head knowing full well she couldn't see me at all. "They stare blankly back at me. I see my own reflection when I really look at you."
I see myself.
I closed my eyes and sighed. It wasn't frustration at all. It was trying to say how much I cared in a single beat.
But I couldn't. I had no words to say everything.
I had no way of touching her...
I had nothing.
I was just a boy put into her service.
Someone who had loved her before he had even known what loving someone meant. She was inside my skin, etched into my heart...
After all these years I've being so silent, I could no longer even say anything. She had become a part of me.
All of this beyond words.
Pouring invisibly like blood before me, but...
nonetheless beyond anything I could ever say.
"Is that so bad to look at yourself?"
She was like a little girl and a woman at the same time. Asking questions that could and couldn't be answered. Much less by me.
I couldn't do anything but be honest.
I blurted, "No, it is because I cannot see _you_."
I immediately bowed my head. "I'm so sorry for my rudeness."
"No, it was not rude...not at all..."
Silence.
"Look at me, Saiki-dono."
Her hair fell a bit on her face, but I was shocked. The red metal plates for eyes had tears streaming from the sides.
"I've made you cry, Hinoto-hime! Forgive me!" I bowed over and over. "Please forgive me!"
And my heart cringed deep inside my chest. I wish I could have killed it so that she would stop crying. I wanted to cry.
This is so much than aching to touch you when you're near. You won't even feel it.
She answered, "No. It isn't that."
I want to say that you are not a broken doll. Not at all.
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because you were the one who had told me I was beautiful. I don't know what beautiful is...but that is one word you always seem to think whenever I'm with you."
I opened my eyes wider and blushed while feeling my face become warm with aspiration.
"I-I..." I stammered. Then, I said, "I was only saying the truth."
"Even...even if I'm broken, Saiki?" Even more tears fell from the side of her face.
I nodded without thinking twice. "Even if you are broken. If I had a choice, I would find a way to..."
Then I stopped.
"To what?"
"I would find a way to take you from here if I could."
"You wouldn't try to change me, Saiki?"
Ache.
How much I love you more for calling me without the 'dono'.
"If I did, Hinoto-hime, then that wouldn't be my Hinoto-hime now, wouldn't it?"
'My' Hinoto-hime...
My heart could have just jumped from my chest right then. I was overflowing but I didn't know what to say or what to do or what to think!
"Saiki-dono..."
There! There's that voice and that certain look...
The one that always tells me that she wants to do something that she cannot do. The one where I'm the one falling apart in front of her.
I die in my mind while kneeling before her every time she did that...
"Why? Why would you do that, Saiki?"
"Because I...I..."
"Close your eyes and don't look at me, Saiki."
It was then that I was in a black dimension and I turned around to see Hinoto-hime kneeling before me.
But...
her eyes were her own. She was looking directly at me.
She took my hand and I melted right then.
Then, she closed her eyes to bow and say sweetly, "Thank you, Saiki."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't thank me. I haven't done anything."
"You always tell me the truth..."
Then, she began to cry as she looked straight at me. "You never ask anything from me. Never!"
I had never heard her voice sound so desparate before...
"I have nothing to give to you, Hinoto-hime." Then, I looked to the ground and smiled. "When I first came here, I thought that and said there was nothing a boy could do for a dreamseer. But as the years passed, I realized that telling the truth was all I could do. To do anything for you...that was all I wanted."
Before I could say anything else, she let and I was back in the room staring at the beautiful broken doll before me.
How can I put into words...
that deep inside of me...
I had been searching to be someone that could be worthy of loving you?
For if I told you, how can you love someone like me back?
Not as a sister,
Not as a someone I give my servitude to,
Not as a yumemi.
No, You.
The you that is only human.
The you that no one seems to know and only I do whenever we're alone.
And what's even worse...
...is that I can't tell you.
I can't even show you.
Do you know how it feels like to be on the brink of crying because you want to pour yourself out but can't? That through crying, you say all the words that you can never say?
If you did, Hinoto-hime, you'd realize what I'm really trying to show you from every part of my being in service to you. I gave you all mind, heart, and soul.
Whenever I'm with you, even in this perpetual silence, nothing else matters to me. Nothing means more to me either.
Deep inside of me, I only think of you and I forget about myself...
I forget that we live into different worlds.
I-I can't even breathe anymore. Everything is suffocating me.
People coming in and out of here.
The war for humanity.
Fighting against myself.
Wanting to be more than I am.
Wanting to be able to...
To...
Sigh.
I stood up and tore some of my sleeve. As I patted her face, I felt the cold skin against my hands. The tears soaked onto my sleeve and I looked again at those two blank slates for red eyes.
That was the breaking point.
I began to cry myself.
Then, I enwrapped both my arms around her shoulders.
Maybe I was defiling you with my weakness.
"I'm sorry, Hinoto-hime."
I didn't know if I was saying this to myself, in my mind, or even why. I was so confused.
I could still see the stream of her tears that had been cried.
"Why...why can't I do anything?"
No matter what I do, it is useless.
Even now I realize that despite knowing the future and all the things you can do, you don't know everything, Hinoto-hime...
Ache.
You don't know how much I love you.
"My beautiful broken doll," I whispered to her ear.
I embraced her even more as I sobbed silently just as much.
But that doesn't seem to be enough.
It will _never_ be enough.
--
Author's note: Whoa. I...I haven't felt this moved since 'When You Blink' for Gravitation.
I wanted to cry so much and I felt like I was Saiki talking to Hinoto trying to say things that I couldn't. It's a bit sappy, but I couldn't interpret his feelings any other way. I was holding my breath the whole time.
This is dedicated to you, Ammie, because you like him so much. ^_^
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 11 - Never enough.
A sudden thought came to pass within me, "I am a beautiful, broken doll."
I immediately looked at Hinoto-hime who had been always sitting in her chamber like a living preservation. The silky curtains that bathed her little area fell in perfect disarray just like her long, white hair.
To me, she always seemed like she was in quiet chaos.
She wasn't only fighting Tokyo.
She was fighting herself.
As I was. Fighting her...myself...
fighting the things I should and shouldn't do.
"Pardon me, Hinoto-hime?" I had said as I gulped at the same time while kneeling before her. "Was there something you needed?"
"You heard me, didn't you, Saiki-dono?" A sweet voice had entered into my head once again and all I could do was become dumbfounded.
I...I didn't mean to.
This sometimes happens...
Was it because my feelings were strong enough to penetrate into hers?
Impossible...
Even more fortunate for me, thankfully the two were not here. They would have certainly given me a look for addressing the Princess in such a 'casual' way.
"Heard what?" I innocently asked.
"What I just said to myself."
Soft tap.
My hands slightly fell to the ground. I looked to the floor though she could not have seen me do so. She could only feel me...
And my stomach began to become twisted into knots. They stretching and stretching inside of me.
It was stupid, but I always felt like I wanted to cry in front of her. It wasn't because I was cowardly...
...it was because I wish we could have switched places.
If only I could give her-
"I...I did, Hinoto-hime." I swallowed hard and still looked down to the floor.
"Saiki-dono? Why are looking to the floor?"
"Because..." I sighed inwardly.
How can I tell you my answers while my heart is beating faster and faster and I'm trembling like I'm going to pass out? How can I articulate all these thoughts passing in a flash flood in my veins to my heart and not reaching my head?
How can I-
"You are always honest to me, Saiki-dono. Please tell me."
Her words echoed to me like a plea that weighed as much as the depth of a tear.
"Oshiete kudasai," her voice repeated in my mind.
"Your eyes...it's because of your eyes."
"Are they also broken? I cannot tell."
I shook my head knowing full well she couldn't see me at all. "They stare blankly back at me. I see my own reflection when I really look at you."
I see myself.
I closed my eyes and sighed. It wasn't frustration at all. It was trying to say how much I cared in a single beat.
But I couldn't. I had no words to say everything.
I had no way of touching her...
I had nothing.
I was just a boy put into her service.
Someone who had loved her before he had even known what loving someone meant. She was inside my skin, etched into my heart...
After all these years I've being so silent, I could no longer even say anything. She had become a part of me.
All of this beyond words.
Pouring invisibly like blood before me, but...
nonetheless beyond anything I could ever say.
"Is that so bad to look at yourself?"
She was like a little girl and a woman at the same time. Asking questions that could and couldn't be answered. Much less by me.
I couldn't do anything but be honest.
I blurted, "No, it is because I cannot see _you_."
I immediately bowed my head. "I'm so sorry for my rudeness."
"No, it was not rude...not at all..."
Silence.
"Look at me, Saiki-dono."
Her hair fell a bit on her face, but I was shocked. The red metal plates for eyes had tears streaming from the sides.
"I've made you cry, Hinoto-hime! Forgive me!" I bowed over and over. "Please forgive me!"
And my heart cringed deep inside my chest. I wish I could have killed it so that she would stop crying. I wanted to cry.
This is so much than aching to touch you when you're near. You won't even feel it.
She answered, "No. It isn't that."
I want to say that you are not a broken doll. Not at all.
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because you were the one who had told me I was beautiful. I don't know what beautiful is...but that is one word you always seem to think whenever I'm with you."
I opened my eyes wider and blushed while feeling my face become warm with aspiration.
"I-I..." I stammered. Then, I said, "I was only saying the truth."
"Even...even if I'm broken, Saiki?" Even more tears fell from the side of her face.
I nodded without thinking twice. "Even if you are broken. If I had a choice, I would find a way to..."
Then I stopped.
"To what?"
"I would find a way to take you from here if I could."
"You wouldn't try to change me, Saiki?"
Ache.
How much I love you more for calling me without the 'dono'.
"If I did, Hinoto-hime, then that wouldn't be my Hinoto-hime now, wouldn't it?"
'My' Hinoto-hime...
My heart could have just jumped from my chest right then. I was overflowing but I didn't know what to say or what to do or what to think!
"Saiki-dono..."
There! There's that voice and that certain look...
The one that always tells me that she wants to do something that she cannot do. The one where I'm the one falling apart in front of her.
I die in my mind while kneeling before her every time she did that...
"Why? Why would you do that, Saiki?"
"Because I...I..."
"Close your eyes and don't look at me, Saiki."
It was then that I was in a black dimension and I turned around to see Hinoto-hime kneeling before me.
But...
her eyes were her own. She was looking directly at me.
She took my hand and I melted right then.
Then, she closed her eyes to bow and say sweetly, "Thank you, Saiki."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't thank me. I haven't done anything."
"You always tell me the truth..."
Then, she began to cry as she looked straight at me. "You never ask anything from me. Never!"
I had never heard her voice sound so desparate before...
"I have nothing to give to you, Hinoto-hime." Then, I looked to the ground and smiled. "When I first came here, I thought that and said there was nothing a boy could do for a dreamseer. But as the years passed, I realized that telling the truth was all I could do. To do anything for you...that was all I wanted."
Before I could say anything else, she let and I was back in the room staring at the beautiful broken doll before me.
How can I put into words...
that deep inside of me...
I had been searching to be someone that could be worthy of loving you?
For if I told you, how can you love someone like me back?
Not as a sister,
Not as a someone I give my servitude to,
Not as a yumemi.
No, You.
The you that is only human.
The you that no one seems to know and only I do whenever we're alone.
And what's even worse...
...is that I can't tell you.
I can't even show you.
Do you know how it feels like to be on the brink of crying because you want to pour yourself out but can't? That through crying, you say all the words that you can never say?
If you did, Hinoto-hime, you'd realize what I'm really trying to show you from every part of my being in service to you. I gave you all mind, heart, and soul.
Whenever I'm with you, even in this perpetual silence, nothing else matters to me. Nothing means more to me either.
Deep inside of me, I only think of you and I forget about myself...
I forget that we live into different worlds.
I-I can't even breathe anymore. Everything is suffocating me.
People coming in and out of here.
The war for humanity.
Fighting against myself.
Wanting to be more than I am.
Wanting to be able to...
To...
Sigh.
I stood up and tore some of my sleeve. As I patted her face, I felt the cold skin against my hands. The tears soaked onto my sleeve and I looked again at those two blank slates for red eyes.
That was the breaking point.
I began to cry myself.
Then, I enwrapped both my arms around her shoulders.
Maybe I was defiling you with my weakness.
"I'm sorry, Hinoto-hime."
I didn't know if I was saying this to myself, in my mind, or even why. I was so confused.
I could still see the stream of her tears that had been cried.
"Why...why can't I do anything?"
No matter what I do, it is useless.
Even now I realize that despite knowing the future and all the things you can do, you don't know everything, Hinoto-hime...
Ache.
You don't know how much I love you.
"My beautiful broken doll," I whispered to her ear.
I embraced her even more as I sobbed silently just as much.
But that doesn't seem to be enough.
It will _never_ be enough.
--
Author's note: Whoa. I...I haven't felt this moved since 'When You Blink' for Gravitation.
I wanted to cry so much and I felt like I was Saiki talking to Hinoto trying to say things that I couldn't. It's a bit sappy, but I couldn't interpret his feelings any other way. I was holding my breath the whole time.
This is dedicated to you, Ammie, because you like him so much. ^_^