disclaimer: X isn't mine.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 12 - still reaching for you.
"But that doesn't seem to be enough. It will _never_ be enough?" I repeated quietly to myself.
I didn't know if I really heard a boy's voice at this moment or had I again circled back into this single thought.
It was then that through the shadows, I saw something surreal. A boy was holding onto my sister.
But it was strange.
I saw two things coinciding:
The boy was embracing my sister as she stood still in her chambers.
But also, I saw that in sync as if in a dream, she was holding onto him as her chest was bleeding. Her white kimono had also stained his school uniform.
It was where her heart was.
It had to be a dream. But I wouldn't have been able to enter if it were not a dream.
This puzzled me for a bit.
"This could not be a reality...or could it?" I whispered slowly to myself as my eyes wouldn't stop staring at the vision before me.
My eyebrows came a little bit closer together as my eyes stuck daggers into that little boy in front of my Onee-san.
That's right. MINE.
NOT YOURS...
How could he hold her like that? How can you even begin to think that someone as high as she will ever fall for someone as lowly as you?
Hmph!
My mouth smirked and I left them alone.
I opened my eyes and put my hand to my cheek while laughing. "How could I be jealous of a little boy? How childish. Ahahahaha..."
He couldn't take her away from. I wouldn't let him.
Even if he were god himself.
No one will EVER take her away from me again...
My heart stirred in anger and it was just then that I sat up abruptly. Just as quickly, the sudden movements of my body were executed too fast and so my head became a little dizzy.
"No..." I started to whimper as I cupped half of my face. The mark on my head began to protrude forth as if a vein were ready to gush out.
Ow!
The only that connected me to her...
Painful as this...
"Ahhh...." I began to agonize as my headache became even more painful.
Pictures...
Reaching. My hand reaching out.
"Who is that?"
"Your sister."
"But she looks like a doll."
"She is paralyzed, blind, and deaf..."
Blink.
"Onee-chan?"
No response.
"I want to play with you."
Even more silence.
"I'll comb your hair then."
Slap!
"Don't touch her Kanoe!"
Hug.
"No matter what, I will always have you, won't I Onee-chan?"
I thought I saw her smile.
Reaching...
restless...
torn and tattered...
Right before my eyes...
"Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!" my childish voice shouted in an inhuman cry. Over and over, I screamed as I were losing my mind. "Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!"
Mother held me closer to her.
I cried and cried. Why can't I ever hear the voice that they can hear from you?!
"Don't take her away!" I pulled on Mother's sleeves. "MOTHER DO SOMETHING!!!"
Mother held me in an even tighter death lock.
"They won't take care of her, Mother!! GET HER BACK!!!"
My mother slapped me for acting hysterically but there I cried. I shouted, "You said you'd always stay with me! You promised Onee-chan!!!"
Then, as the car drove away, with tears flying from the sides of my face, I held my hands in fists and shouted, "I NEED YOU ONEEEE-CHAAAAANNNNNNN!"
"Kanoe... It is too late, Kanoe."
"Huh?" I stopped crying as I looked around curiously.
Was that voice from my head?
"I will always be with you, Kanoe. Remember that."
"Onee...chan?" I whispered as my hand reached out impossibly to catch her as the car turned on the corner.
That was the first time I had ever heard her voice.
It was also the last time I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
No matter what, I would never cry.
Because, whenever I saw or talked to my onee-chan, she was crying inside...
From then on, I learned how to smile at people and play whatever game they wanted. But I always had the upper hand.
I would live the life that she would never get to have...
You would not approve of me, wouldn't you, Onee-san?
Another memory relapsed and I held my covers even closer to me as I shook like a bird in the cold.
Thrown.
Holding onto one of the last robes I had saved before the help had burned them all, I prayed to her as if she were a goddess. For indeed, she was mine.
"You've got to help me, please...they..."
I couldn't even finish my sentence as my tears took over.
My torn clothes barely hugged my body and I held myself just as ragged.
"Please help me!"
ANYTHING.
I would do anything to get my way.
Tear a person's heart out. Smile at whomever needed one.
Use my body to get further...
I knew how people worked and how to work them. They had done the same thing to you. I will recompensate them on that part.
No one will get away from my grasps.
"Oh, Kanoe-san is such a good student..."
"Always on the top of everything..."
"Knows how to run her committees..."
"What can you do for me?" I would ask all my suitors and all the others that wanted my help in anything.
"I'll give you..."
Everything's a deal.
I don't care how I get there.
I don't give a damn.
But how to find you? I wondered and wondered. I researched until my fingers became embedded with paper cuts and my eyes were to fall out from staring at everything for so long.
"Government secret?" Looking at my university, I held my arms together. "I know how to get to you, Onee-san."
After all these years, I will find you.
I will get to you one day.
I will crush humanity within my grasps if I can.
I will.
I know I will.
You are too kind to them.
I cannot forgive them. For what they did to you and for what they did to me.
"Don't do it, Kanoe, or else you will fall into the same fate as me," she had said.
We had talked via telepathy since the day she had left.
"No..." I shook my head.
I prayed for that mark on my head to come out...
even if it was from selling my soul to the devil himself.
Anything to get to you, Onee-san.
ANYTHING at all...
Always so resilient. Also show charisma, charm, and seductiveness. Know the ways of the world.
You lie to everyone. Tell them what they want to hear.
Everyone just cares about themselves anyway...
"That's not true," a voice had suddenly said in my mind.
I opened my eyes wider. "For me, it is. I believe it."
"Oh, Kanoe..."
And I left it at that.
Whenever I think I'm going to conquer the world, she comes back suddenly to tell me that the way I'm going about it is wrong.
But I'm just playing the world's rules, Onee-san.
I deceive everyone by pretending to be the chameleon that adjusts herself to her surroundings. I look strong, but indeed, I'm very weak.
I even grew my hair to become more like you, my onee-san.
I sold my soul to be able to reach you even if they were only in dreams...
As Yuuto came into the room, he came right over next to me on the bed and laid his arms around me. "Are you all right? I think you should just lie down."
My tangled hair shook as my head turned from side to side. I looked up to that handsome face.
As my head fell onto his chest, I wouldn't even show my crying face to him.
My pride wouldn't let me.
"What is wrong?" Yuuto's concerned voice said. "Kanoe..."
At that moment, I closed my eyes. Like a child, I held onto his sleeve.
For all my insecurities...
I thought you would be the one to understand...
I thought i would be able to tell you them, Yuuto...
because I could never tell her.
You were the only one that seemed so sincere to me...
That's why I always pulled you to kiss me.
But as much as I liked Satsuki...
With all my doubts, this silent battle with her had finally ended.
Yuuto...
why do you have Satsuki's scent on your shirt?
Deep inside of myself, I know I am only deceiving myself.
I will always be looking for you. I will always be the shadow under your moonlight, Onee-san.
But in between all these thoughts, visions, and actions meshed together, I've lost myself in the seams.
I've become so vulnerable.
Instead, I've given the world everything.
My body. My mind.
My soul. My onee-san.
I won't give my heart.
I promised that same night to you that I'd never cry and that I'd find you one day.
Years later, here I am...
I still haven't gotten you back.
And I haven't even found myself yet.
A forgotten, yet single tear fell onto Yuuto's shirt...
That's right little boy. It will never be enough.
Love isn't enough to save your soul...
Like a little child that was so confused, at that moment, I didn't know if I mumbled or really thought,
"I'm sorry I broke my promise."
--
Author's note: Yeah, Kanoe's not one of favorites. She actually scares me.
But, I thought that I had to do a chapter on her. "If I can make her more 'human', than I can convince myself to like her. Even in a fanfic."
Though I'm still unsatisfied with this, I am glad that I focused on her relationship with her sister. ^_^
And why does Yuuto have Satsuki's scent? Think what you want but I really meant it in all innocence that he had hugged her for too long. But I guess the other interpretation works too. ^^;;;
While I was making this, I was listening to DDR's 'Moonlight Shadow.' Listen to it if you ever get the chance. "Will you come to talk to me this night? But she couldn't how to push through..."
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 12 - still reaching for you.
"But that doesn't seem to be enough. It will _never_ be enough?" I repeated quietly to myself.
I didn't know if I really heard a boy's voice at this moment or had I again circled back into this single thought.
It was then that through the shadows, I saw something surreal. A boy was holding onto my sister.
But it was strange.
I saw two things coinciding:
The boy was embracing my sister as she stood still in her chambers.
But also, I saw that in sync as if in a dream, she was holding onto him as her chest was bleeding. Her white kimono had also stained his school uniform.
It was where her heart was.
It had to be a dream. But I wouldn't have been able to enter if it were not a dream.
This puzzled me for a bit.
"This could not be a reality...or could it?" I whispered slowly to myself as my eyes wouldn't stop staring at the vision before me.
My eyebrows came a little bit closer together as my eyes stuck daggers into that little boy in front of my Onee-san.
That's right. MINE.
NOT YOURS...
How could he hold her like that? How can you even begin to think that someone as high as she will ever fall for someone as lowly as you?
Hmph!
My mouth smirked and I left them alone.
I opened my eyes and put my hand to my cheek while laughing. "How could I be jealous of a little boy? How childish. Ahahahaha..."
He couldn't take her away from. I wouldn't let him.
Even if he were god himself.
No one will EVER take her away from me again...
My heart stirred in anger and it was just then that I sat up abruptly. Just as quickly, the sudden movements of my body were executed too fast and so my head became a little dizzy.
"No..." I started to whimper as I cupped half of my face. The mark on my head began to protrude forth as if a vein were ready to gush out.
Ow!
The only that connected me to her...
Painful as this...
"Ahhh...." I began to agonize as my headache became even more painful.
Pictures...
Reaching. My hand reaching out.
"Who is that?"
"Your sister."
"But she looks like a doll."
"She is paralyzed, blind, and deaf..."
Blink.
"Onee-chan?"
No response.
"I want to play with you."
Even more silence.
"I'll comb your hair then."
Slap!
"Don't touch her Kanoe!"
Hug.
"No matter what, I will always have you, won't I Onee-chan?"
I thought I saw her smile.
Reaching...
restless...
torn and tattered...
Right before my eyes...
"Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!" my childish voice shouted in an inhuman cry. Over and over, I screamed as I were losing my mind. "Hinoto! Hinoto Onee-chan!"
Mother held me closer to her.
I cried and cried. Why can't I ever hear the voice that they can hear from you?!
"Don't take her away!" I pulled on Mother's sleeves. "MOTHER DO SOMETHING!!!"
Mother held me in an even tighter death lock.
"They won't take care of her, Mother!! GET HER BACK!!!"
My mother slapped me for acting hysterically but there I cried. I shouted, "You said you'd always stay with me! You promised Onee-chan!!!"
Then, as the car drove away, with tears flying from the sides of my face, I held my hands in fists and shouted, "I NEED YOU ONEEEE-CHAAAAANNNNNNN!"
"Kanoe... It is too late, Kanoe."
"Huh?" I stopped crying as I looked around curiously.
Was that voice from my head?
"I will always be with you, Kanoe. Remember that."
"Onee...chan?" I whispered as my hand reached out impossibly to catch her as the car turned on the corner.
That was the first time I had ever heard her voice.
It was also the last time I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
No matter what, I would never cry.
Because, whenever I saw or talked to my onee-chan, she was crying inside...
From then on, I learned how to smile at people and play whatever game they wanted. But I always had the upper hand.
I would live the life that she would never get to have...
You would not approve of me, wouldn't you, Onee-san?
Another memory relapsed and I held my covers even closer to me as I shook like a bird in the cold.
Thrown.
Holding onto one of the last robes I had saved before the help had burned them all, I prayed to her as if she were a goddess. For indeed, she was mine.
"You've got to help me, please...they..."
I couldn't even finish my sentence as my tears took over.
My torn clothes barely hugged my body and I held myself just as ragged.
"Please help me!"
ANYTHING.
I would do anything to get my way.
Tear a person's heart out. Smile at whomever needed one.
Use my body to get further...
I knew how people worked and how to work them. They had done the same thing to you. I will recompensate them on that part.
No one will get away from my grasps.
"Oh, Kanoe-san is such a good student..."
"Always on the top of everything..."
"Knows how to run her committees..."
"What can you do for me?" I would ask all my suitors and all the others that wanted my help in anything.
"I'll give you..."
Everything's a deal.
I don't care how I get there.
I don't give a damn.
But how to find you? I wondered and wondered. I researched until my fingers became embedded with paper cuts and my eyes were to fall out from staring at everything for so long.
"Government secret?" Looking at my university, I held my arms together. "I know how to get to you, Onee-san."
After all these years, I will find you.
I will get to you one day.
I will crush humanity within my grasps if I can.
I will.
I know I will.
You are too kind to them.
I cannot forgive them. For what they did to you and for what they did to me.
"Don't do it, Kanoe, or else you will fall into the same fate as me," she had said.
We had talked via telepathy since the day she had left.
"No..." I shook my head.
I prayed for that mark on my head to come out...
even if it was from selling my soul to the devil himself.
Anything to get to you, Onee-san.
ANYTHING at all...
Always so resilient. Also show charisma, charm, and seductiveness. Know the ways of the world.
You lie to everyone. Tell them what they want to hear.
Everyone just cares about themselves anyway...
"That's not true," a voice had suddenly said in my mind.
I opened my eyes wider. "For me, it is. I believe it."
"Oh, Kanoe..."
And I left it at that.
Whenever I think I'm going to conquer the world, she comes back suddenly to tell me that the way I'm going about it is wrong.
But I'm just playing the world's rules, Onee-san.
I deceive everyone by pretending to be the chameleon that adjusts herself to her surroundings. I look strong, but indeed, I'm very weak.
I even grew my hair to become more like you, my onee-san.
I sold my soul to be able to reach you even if they were only in dreams...
As Yuuto came into the room, he came right over next to me on the bed and laid his arms around me. "Are you all right? I think you should just lie down."
My tangled hair shook as my head turned from side to side. I looked up to that handsome face.
As my head fell onto his chest, I wouldn't even show my crying face to him.
My pride wouldn't let me.
"What is wrong?" Yuuto's concerned voice said. "Kanoe..."
At that moment, I closed my eyes. Like a child, I held onto his sleeve.
For all my insecurities...
I thought you would be the one to understand...
I thought i would be able to tell you them, Yuuto...
because I could never tell her.
You were the only one that seemed so sincere to me...
That's why I always pulled you to kiss me.
But as much as I liked Satsuki...
With all my doubts, this silent battle with her had finally ended.
Yuuto...
why do you have Satsuki's scent on your shirt?
Deep inside of myself, I know I am only deceiving myself.
I will always be looking for you. I will always be the shadow under your moonlight, Onee-san.
But in between all these thoughts, visions, and actions meshed together, I've lost myself in the seams.
I've become so vulnerable.
Instead, I've given the world everything.
My body. My mind.
My soul. My onee-san.
I won't give my heart.
I promised that same night to you that I'd never cry and that I'd find you one day.
Years later, here I am...
I still haven't gotten you back.
And I haven't even found myself yet.
A forgotten, yet single tear fell onto Yuuto's shirt...
That's right little boy. It will never be enough.
Love isn't enough to save your soul...
Like a little child that was so confused, at that moment, I didn't know if I mumbled or really thought,
"I'm sorry I broke my promise."
--
Author's note: Yeah, Kanoe's not one of favorites. She actually scares me.
But, I thought that I had to do a chapter on her. "If I can make her more 'human', than I can convince myself to like her. Even in a fanfic."
Though I'm still unsatisfied with this, I am glad that I focused on her relationship with her sister. ^_^
And why does Yuuto have Satsuki's scent? Think what you want but I really meant it in all innocence that he had hugged her for too long. But I guess the other interpretation works too. ^^;;;
While I was making this, I was listening to DDR's 'Moonlight Shadow.' Listen to it if you ever get the chance. "Will you come to talk to me this night? But she couldn't how to push through..."