Disclaimer: X isn't mine, but I love the characters as if they were.
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
In the dead of night, someone sighed as they took a walkman from some corner of their dresser.
Putting on the headphones, the person closed their eyes to enter into even more clouded darkness through a guiding voice.
A voice...
that when one remembers what reopens a wound,
must they forget it to regain their sanity?
But isn't that just as hard?
Trying to convey all your mixed thoughts into a single translucent pattern, yet knowing it is weaving an even greater problem.
What is etched in the heart can never erased or torn away...
Whether it is love or hate...
It's a recording.
Only you may not need the tape anymore
to hear it...
Chapter 13 - I justify my love for you.
The old broken cassette had played,
"'I'm sorry I broke my promise.' A song which is by none other than myself!" The girl then giggled as if her hand were over her mouth, so the sound was sort of muffled.
But everything was already scratchy. What was it? An overplayed tape of nine years wasn't it?
"Never thought I'd have to record this to you after all these years. I recorded this with mom's song too. So that you won't forget.
So that you won't forget me too.
But how can you ever forget me? I've been with you since birth! And all the years after it were wonderful.
I didn't enjoy the times you cried, but giving you a smile was all I could do. How could I possibly say, 'Hey, cheer up! There's a bright side to everything!" when I know that day you had seen one of your friends killed.
Or the time that I first saw your gloves and you were crying so hard that I wanted to kill whomever did that to you. I will...
*with a vindictive and clear tone of threat * I promise I will. No matter what.
No one hurts MY SUBARU and gets away with it. There's just no way!
Hahahaha! To think that I've been mad all these years and try to brush it off with just laughing.
"Look at that weird girl!" I got all my life.
But there was nothing I could possibly say but, "Where? Looked in a mirror lately? Oh, that's right, you have to put on your face every morning. My cuteness is all-natural. Goodbye~!"
Leave with a big grin. Nothing would make sense but to me and that was just fine with me.
You were all I cared about.
You were so boring Subaru. If I left all our wardrobe to you, we'd be wearing black all the time. And damn! I'm not dead yet! And I'm not going to a funeral!
* silence *
You fool! I can't say all I want in this stupid tape. It's too small! A Soni 60 minute tape is NOT gonna cut it. Not even the 120 minute kind.
What I need to say and what I want to say are so much longer. Plus, you know I won't get to the point until I worked my way through the bushes.
I know you hate that.
I know you're squirming, seeing that I'm doing that now.
But what do I want to say? I know I made this recording just at the spur of the moment.
You're sitting in your chair like a doll. And you're not talking to me. Who else am I supposed to talk to?
How is that supposed to make me feel, Subaru? Tell me!
Oshienasai!!!
* sniff, sniff * * blows nose *
I can't go in there with a smile anymore. I'm going to cry. Cry all the tears that you wouldn't let me cry.
Crying all the tears that I never let myself cry.
You pushed me away when his eye was slashed. You pounded on the door and all I could was watch.
It was then that I truly realized: That's all I do, Subaru.
All these years, deep inside of myself, despite everything and my fears, I've done nothing. You wouldn't let me.
All I do is watch you.
That's all I CAN do.
You think that if you don't tell me everything that that's any better? It actually made me feel worse to tell you the truth.
For the times I've laughed, I've cried silently just as much.
I can't take this! You're just sitting in the chair.
Lifeless.
I want to slap you and shake you while crying. "Where is MY SUBARU?!"
That's the question that is screaming from the depths of my soul.
"What have you done, Seishirou?! I don't understand what you've done but why can't I find my Subaru!?!? Where did you take him?!
GIVE HIM BACK TO ME, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I want to scream and I want to laugh like a hysteric.
But I know the truth. I knew exactly what had happened.
* in a low tone * I also know what will happen...
And I don't want this doll that looks like my twin brother.
This is _not_ my Subaru.
Where have you gone?
Damn, I don't even know where you've been...
I met someone like that Subaru. He was inside of dreams.
He is a yumemi with powers that push him from others like ourselves.
Kakyou...
he said he wanted me to go with him. To take him outside.
But where was outside?
It was still within his mind. He never knew what was life outside of his mind.
I can't stand to live like that Subaru.
I need to breathe. Need to talk.
I can't stand here and watch you throw your life away.
Why do you think I've tried to be rambunctious? Even your other half can show you what life is.
Even if only that.
Kakyou showed me a side of myself that I tried to ignore...
To go outside.
As strong as I liked him, as much as I love you, I drowned myself...
Does this make any sense to you?
I looked at you all these years.
I forgot myself. Whatever made you happy made me happy.
Remember that time that you wanted the teddy bear from the festival? You were trying so hard, but tried to smile at me when you couldn't get it. Then, you had to leave.
I made it my mission to get it for you. It took me how much time, money and effort to win it for you.
You went home because you had to train. And I stayed at the festival.
It was always like that. You always had to sacrifice because of the name.
And I had to find some way to make up for it.
Was I wrong to do that?
I never thought so.
And each time I thought that, you showed me that I had made the right decision.
At that time, You loved that bear until it turned into rags. * laughs * I was so happy. I forgot to get one for myself...
but that was enough for me.
I only dressed 'strangely' because, well, that's the only thing that could distinguish us. This was what made me, me.
Because after that momentous day of, "Please always take care of Subaru-san," grandmother ordered as she squeezed my hand.
I knew that. I had always known that.
But it wasn't until I saw you crying by the sakura trees on your gloves did I realize that it was more than a repeated, yet gentle push.
It would be a way of life.
And the only thing I asked back was a smile, Subaru.
That's all.
That's what told me why I was here.
Why we're twins...
Why we were closer than anyone in the world...
I didn't need anyone else.
I foolishly thought you were thinking the same.
I had myself.
I had you.
And now, we had Sei-chan...despite my conflicting feelings...
But the more I saw you and him together, the more I laughed. It was the more jealous I had become, and the more hurt, and the more far away I felt from you.
He had been able to touch you in a way that I never could.
And because I couldn't call you back from that, I knew I had some how lost this quiet war him...ourselves...and especially within myself.
I remember one time you said, "Hokuto-chan?"
I nodded my head and smiled. "Yes, Subaru?"
"I promise we'll always be together!" you had said as you smiled and glomped me.
But that was when we were four.
Before they told you what an heir was.
Before you lost that smile that I loved so well.
Years later when you received thosed cursed gloves, I made a song. It would be the song I'd always sing to you. And as the years went on, I added more stanzas...
"I need to know.
I need to feel.
I need to know.
I need to feel.
Been looking for you
all this time.
But how can that be
when you're right
in front of me?
Dreamt yesterday that
You left me
Cruel unintentional smile,
Cut me like a dagger
You yourself plunged forth.
Into me.
Into yourself
Into me.
I had forgotten
to smile one day
and you looked strange
you were looking
At yourself,
weren't you?
Want to scream
It's not your fault
No blaming
Just need to live on.
You promised me
you'd be with me
for always.
I gave you all my heart
but that is not enough.
Gave my mind.
But that is not enough.
Gave my soul.
Still not enough.
Need to climb
a never ending journey
and you're still so
far away
from me.
From me.
from me.
[whisper]
You need to know
I need to feel.
I need to know
You need to feel.
You broke your promise.
*shuffle, shuffle*
As I put on this outfit,
did you know
white means
Death in Chinese?
Hoku, when the
north wind blows
brings death.
I knew all along.
The yumemi told me long ago.
I had no other day
except the present.
I guess there was
something I couldn't
also tell you.
* cries *
You...
I justify my love for you.
This is enough,
Subaru.
You will someday understand
and come running to me again.
But I broke
the promise too,
I'll not be here.
And you'll forget
for a time
that I'm
just here,
just need to heal,
just nead to hear
just need to feel
in your heart.
I'll slip this in your pocket
as I hold you again.
I'll pretend with a smile
remember me
Subaru.
You've forgotten me when
Sei-chan touched you,
that I kissed those hands first.
You've forgotten that when
you laughed,
I was the first to poke you.
You've forgotten already
that I dress you
because you forget yourself.
You've forgotten that
your heart
was once mine.
Mine, Subaru.
so many things to say.
Let it not be in vain.
I'll always be with you...
Have you already forgotten me...
for him?
Deep inside of myself,
I'm looking for you and me...
His love is
different from
my own.
I'm sorry,
but you'll have
to choose someday.
I justify my love for you.
Isn't this enough,
Subaru?
[spoken whisper]
You're out of touch.
And I'm out of time.
* click *
--
Author's note: I should have put more, but I didn't want to take away from the fact that this was Hokuto talking to Subaru. If I had put Subaru in here, I think it wouldn't have been as effective.
The hastiness, the tone, the confusion was all meshed together. Hokuto was running out of time and I wanted to convey that she was angry and sad and frustrated that she couldn't say it all.
And would Subaru truly understand everything? As much as I love Subaru, there's some part of me as an older sister myself that he would never understand...
Oh, and this is chapter 13. 13 isn't a lucky number in some cultures along with 4 and 6 too in some religions...
Yes, yes, I've put too much into it. But I love Hokuto. Her abrupt, yet sarcastic and innocent humor are very endearing. You can tell she is one of my favorite female characters in all anime/manga along with Satsuki, huh? ^_~
Deep Inside of You
by Miyamoto Yui
In the dead of night, someone sighed as they took a walkman from some corner of their dresser.
Putting on the headphones, the person closed their eyes to enter into even more clouded darkness through a guiding voice.
A voice...
that when one remembers what reopens a wound,
must they forget it to regain their sanity?
But isn't that just as hard?
Trying to convey all your mixed thoughts into a single translucent pattern, yet knowing it is weaving an even greater problem.
What is etched in the heart can never erased or torn away...
Whether it is love or hate...
It's a recording.
Only you may not need the tape anymore
to hear it...
Chapter 13 - I justify my love for you.
The old broken cassette had played,
"'I'm sorry I broke my promise.' A song which is by none other than myself!" The girl then giggled as if her hand were over her mouth, so the sound was sort of muffled.
But everything was already scratchy. What was it? An overplayed tape of nine years wasn't it?
"Never thought I'd have to record this to you after all these years. I recorded this with mom's song too. So that you won't forget.
So that you won't forget me too.
But how can you ever forget me? I've been with you since birth! And all the years after it were wonderful.
I didn't enjoy the times you cried, but giving you a smile was all I could do. How could I possibly say, 'Hey, cheer up! There's a bright side to everything!" when I know that day you had seen one of your friends killed.
Or the time that I first saw your gloves and you were crying so hard that I wanted to kill whomever did that to you. I will...
*with a vindictive and clear tone of threat * I promise I will. No matter what.
No one hurts MY SUBARU and gets away with it. There's just no way!
Hahahaha! To think that I've been mad all these years and try to brush it off with just laughing.
"Look at that weird girl!" I got all my life.
But there was nothing I could possibly say but, "Where? Looked in a mirror lately? Oh, that's right, you have to put on your face every morning. My cuteness is all-natural. Goodbye~!"
Leave with a big grin. Nothing would make sense but to me and that was just fine with me.
You were all I cared about.
You were so boring Subaru. If I left all our wardrobe to you, we'd be wearing black all the time. And damn! I'm not dead yet! And I'm not going to a funeral!
* silence *
You fool! I can't say all I want in this stupid tape. It's too small! A Soni 60 minute tape is NOT gonna cut it. Not even the 120 minute kind.
What I need to say and what I want to say are so much longer. Plus, you know I won't get to the point until I worked my way through the bushes.
I know you hate that.
I know you're squirming, seeing that I'm doing that now.
But what do I want to say? I know I made this recording just at the spur of the moment.
You're sitting in your chair like a doll. And you're not talking to me. Who else am I supposed to talk to?
How is that supposed to make me feel, Subaru? Tell me!
Oshienasai!!!
* sniff, sniff * * blows nose *
I can't go in there with a smile anymore. I'm going to cry. Cry all the tears that you wouldn't let me cry.
Crying all the tears that I never let myself cry.
You pushed me away when his eye was slashed. You pounded on the door and all I could was watch.
It was then that I truly realized: That's all I do, Subaru.
All these years, deep inside of myself, despite everything and my fears, I've done nothing. You wouldn't let me.
All I do is watch you.
That's all I CAN do.
You think that if you don't tell me everything that that's any better? It actually made me feel worse to tell you the truth.
For the times I've laughed, I've cried silently just as much.
I can't take this! You're just sitting in the chair.
Lifeless.
I want to slap you and shake you while crying. "Where is MY SUBARU?!"
That's the question that is screaming from the depths of my soul.
"What have you done, Seishirou?! I don't understand what you've done but why can't I find my Subaru!?!? Where did you take him?!
GIVE HIM BACK TO ME, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I want to scream and I want to laugh like a hysteric.
But I know the truth. I knew exactly what had happened.
* in a low tone * I also know what will happen...
And I don't want this doll that looks like my twin brother.
This is _not_ my Subaru.
Where have you gone?
Damn, I don't even know where you've been...
I met someone like that Subaru. He was inside of dreams.
He is a yumemi with powers that push him from others like ourselves.
Kakyou...
he said he wanted me to go with him. To take him outside.
But where was outside?
It was still within his mind. He never knew what was life outside of his mind.
I can't stand to live like that Subaru.
I need to breathe. Need to talk.
I can't stand here and watch you throw your life away.
Why do you think I've tried to be rambunctious? Even your other half can show you what life is.
Even if only that.
Kakyou showed me a side of myself that I tried to ignore...
To go outside.
As strong as I liked him, as much as I love you, I drowned myself...
Does this make any sense to you?
I looked at you all these years.
I forgot myself. Whatever made you happy made me happy.
Remember that time that you wanted the teddy bear from the festival? You were trying so hard, but tried to smile at me when you couldn't get it. Then, you had to leave.
I made it my mission to get it for you. It took me how much time, money and effort to win it for you.
You went home because you had to train. And I stayed at the festival.
It was always like that. You always had to sacrifice because of the name.
And I had to find some way to make up for it.
Was I wrong to do that?
I never thought so.
And each time I thought that, you showed me that I had made the right decision.
At that time, You loved that bear until it turned into rags. * laughs * I was so happy. I forgot to get one for myself...
but that was enough for me.
I only dressed 'strangely' because, well, that's the only thing that could distinguish us. This was what made me, me.
Because after that momentous day of, "Please always take care of Subaru-san," grandmother ordered as she squeezed my hand.
I knew that. I had always known that.
But it wasn't until I saw you crying by the sakura trees on your gloves did I realize that it was more than a repeated, yet gentle push.
It would be a way of life.
And the only thing I asked back was a smile, Subaru.
That's all.
That's what told me why I was here.
Why we're twins...
Why we were closer than anyone in the world...
I didn't need anyone else.
I foolishly thought you were thinking the same.
I had myself.
I had you.
And now, we had Sei-chan...despite my conflicting feelings...
But the more I saw you and him together, the more I laughed. It was the more jealous I had become, and the more hurt, and the more far away I felt from you.
He had been able to touch you in a way that I never could.
And because I couldn't call you back from that, I knew I had some how lost this quiet war him...ourselves...and especially within myself.
I remember one time you said, "Hokuto-chan?"
I nodded my head and smiled. "Yes, Subaru?"
"I promise we'll always be together!" you had said as you smiled and glomped me.
But that was when we were four.
Before they told you what an heir was.
Before you lost that smile that I loved so well.
Years later when you received thosed cursed gloves, I made a song. It would be the song I'd always sing to you. And as the years went on, I added more stanzas...
"I need to know.
I need to feel.
I need to know.
I need to feel.
Been looking for you
all this time.
But how can that be
when you're right
in front of me?
Dreamt yesterday that
You left me
Cruel unintentional smile,
Cut me like a dagger
You yourself plunged forth.
Into me.
Into yourself
Into me.
I had forgotten
to smile one day
and you looked strange
you were looking
At yourself,
weren't you?
Want to scream
It's not your fault
No blaming
Just need to live on.
You promised me
you'd be with me
for always.
I gave you all my heart
but that is not enough.
Gave my mind.
But that is not enough.
Gave my soul.
Still not enough.
Need to climb
a never ending journey
and you're still so
far away
from me.
From me.
from me.
[whisper]
You need to know
I need to feel.
I need to know
You need to feel.
You broke your promise.
*shuffle, shuffle*
As I put on this outfit,
did you know
white means
Death in Chinese?
Hoku, when the
north wind blows
brings death.
I knew all along.
The yumemi told me long ago.
I had no other day
except the present.
I guess there was
something I couldn't
also tell you.
* cries *
You...
I justify my love for you.
This is enough,
Subaru.
You will someday understand
and come running to me again.
But I broke
the promise too,
I'll not be here.
And you'll forget
for a time
that I'm
just here,
just need to heal,
just nead to hear
just need to feel
in your heart.
I'll slip this in your pocket
as I hold you again.
I'll pretend with a smile
remember me
Subaru.
You've forgotten me when
Sei-chan touched you,
that I kissed those hands first.
You've forgotten that when
you laughed,
I was the first to poke you.
You've forgotten already
that I dress you
because you forget yourself.
You've forgotten that
your heart
was once mine.
Mine, Subaru.
so many things to say.
Let it not be in vain.
I'll always be with you...
Have you already forgotten me...
for him?
Deep inside of myself,
I'm looking for you and me...
His love is
different from
my own.
I'm sorry,
but you'll have
to choose someday.
I justify my love for you.
Isn't this enough,
Subaru?
[spoken whisper]
You're out of touch.
And I'm out of time.
* click *
--
Author's note: I should have put more, but I didn't want to take away from the fact that this was Hokuto talking to Subaru. If I had put Subaru in here, I think it wouldn't have been as effective.
The hastiness, the tone, the confusion was all meshed together. Hokuto was running out of time and I wanted to convey that she was angry and sad and frustrated that she couldn't say it all.
And would Subaru truly understand everything? As much as I love Subaru, there's some part of me as an older sister myself that he would never understand...
Oh, and this is chapter 13. 13 isn't a lucky number in some cultures along with 4 and 6 too in some religions...
Yes, yes, I've put too much into it. But I love Hokuto. Her abrupt, yet sarcastic and innocent humor are very endearing. You can tell she is one of my favorite female characters in all anime/manga along with Satsuki, huh? ^_~