Disclaimer: X is Clamp's.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 14 – Memory in the rain.
* click *
I closed the door behind me softly.
But as always, when something is done so silently, it sends a loud echo whether or not it is expected.
* click, clack * * click, clack… *
Whenever I close Kamui's door, I close my eyes. It's like a constant reminder. I don't know why it has to be his door.
Does it hold any significance at all that it has to be his? Must be. Everything in this life does, doesn't it?
I wouldn't be surprised anymore.
* click, clack *
I don't want to think about it. The memory, as small as it is, still stands so fresh in my mind.
* click, clack click, clack *
My mother's tears.
Falling to the ground.
Quietly, but echoing...
*tap, tap, tap *
Like the rain outside now…so loudly.
*click clack click clack *
They're taking me away forever. These monks with their slippers going click clack click clack…
*click…cling, cling… *
Ojou-san.
This chaotic quietness also reminds me of you and your sword.
* pound, pound… *
I keep on pounding on a wall. How will I even touch that kind of high security as you hold your sword invisibly and defensively against me?
I shook my head and hit my forehead. Then, I rubbed my eyes. "You really are sleepy, aren't you, Sorata?"
I looked around and took a deep breath as I sighed slowly. "I'll get scolded for not keeping watch."
Then, I laughed. "Naw, that could be just her way of affection?"
Either way, it could be a good plan. At least she'd talk to me?
As I went down the empty hall, I am comforted by the silence and peace that surrounds me for the moment. Even if there's rain, I don't mind anymore.
But after a few paces, I immediately stopped. There She was in front of me as she stood there like a beautiful statue looking out the windowpane.
I swear, I didn't want to move from where I was. It was so rare to look at her this way. I gulped.
Sorata, you could be such a dork sometimes.
Wait…is she frowning?
You can't just stand there, you idiot-
"What is so amusing?" She said as she turned her face towards my direction. Wearing the same serious expression on her face, I instantly gave her my smile.
The usual reaction.
"I was just passing by."
"Then pass," she matter-of-factly says.
"You don't stand in front of windows, Ojou-san," I seriously say as I stand in my place looking at her still. "Not unless you're watching someone."
"…" She becomes silent.
"I always wonder what you think about when you look at rain, Ojou-san." I began to put my hands in my pockets and smiled wistfully. "Everyone has a memory in the rain. If I ever found someone who didn't, that in itself would be kind of sad."
"…"
"It doesn't have to be something big, you know."
I stop for a bit, but then think that this is just a natural occurrence in the world. For her not to talk has become something endearing in a way just as she has gotten used to me talking in a one-way conversation.
But I don't think she has to tell me anything. I instinctively understand, as she does with me.
"I think I told you about mine right?" I then stepped a bit closer and leaned on the wall as I put my hands in back of my head like a little kid. "Grandpa and all the monks took me away in the rain. And I remember my mother cried after me calling my name over and over. I wasn't allowed to look back, but I did."
Her eyes slightly lower.
"That was the day I found out about my destiny…" I sighed as I smiled and looked at her. "You know the rest."
She kept her silent opinions to herself.
I nudge her lightly on the arm with my elbow. "Now that you know about me, care to tell me a little about yourself?"
I stood there hopeful not really expecting anything.
It was then that I could feel the tension and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I pushed myself off the wall with my foot and took out my hands from my pockets. Then, I patted her head as I sincerely said, "You probably have your reasons not to tell me. I'll always understand that."
Inside, I was a little disappointed. I wanted to know everything about this woman…
This woman I had grown to love.
The one I myself had dubbed most beautiful in the world.
But also the most silent of them all.
You can't win them all, can you, Sorata?
As I was letting go of my hand from the top of her soft hair, in that split second, she answered in a whisper, "I…I can't."
I stood in back of her and turned my head though her back was still facing me. With all my heart, I replied calmly, "Why?"
"I…I wanted to forget it."
"Forget what?"
"For a time, I thought I would purposely forget the memory."
Then, I heard her…
Like an echo that silently passes painfully…
I heard her sniff as she tried to quickly throw away the tear that had come down her face with the back of her hand.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. "Stop…stop crying."
It was then that I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Whispering to her ear softly and with guilt, I say, ""Don't tell me if you're not ready. Please…please don't cry."
"Do anything, but please don't cry."
I don't want to make you cry too. I can't bear it.
Shout at me. Hit me. Anything but this.
"You tell me to tell you my memory. How can I tell you my memory of the rain without crying?"
I closed my eyes even more as I wrapped my arms around her tighter.
"Who has ever had a happy memory in the rain? Tell me this."
My eyes open in shock.
Who was I lying to? Who were you lying to, Sorata? How can you not cry when you think of your mother and the rain?
How could you make her cry? You idiot…
"Because I love you. That's why." I answer helplessly as I close my eyes again while hugging her tighter than before.
Kissing the back of her head carefully, I try to comfort her.
"Please forget it. Please forget what I said," I plead. "I won't ever ask again. Please stop crying…"
I know my pleas or comforts won't do anything to ease anything. Just like years ago…
When I realized what destiny meant…
You can't stop what's coming.
No matter how painful it is.
But I'll try to. As much as I can, Ojou-san.
For you…
If…if only you would tell me how…
On the other side of the window, the clouds tears run down the glass surface…
Tap…tap…tap…
Another memory in the rain has been etched into my heart.
I don't care if it's like this...
Even if it's like this.
I want to hold on a little longer.
I look up to the ceiling above us.
This is my prayer. I've never asked for anything and I'm not bitter about what has happened in my life.
But I beg you,
Whoever is listening,
Just a little longer…
Please...
--
Author's note: * sniff, sniff, blows nose * I haven't cried this much since 'When You blink' or the seventh chapter of 'Random Thoughts'.
I hope this was to your liking Setsuna-san because this chapter was especially for you. * winks * I tried really hard! * smiles *
* laughs * Well, I occasionally use a song to write with to get the mood. For Sorata, I used, "Damn, I wish I was your lover" by ? Well, to me, it fits.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 14 – Memory in the rain.
* click *
I closed the door behind me softly.
But as always, when something is done so silently, it sends a loud echo whether or not it is expected.
* click, clack * * click, clack… *
Whenever I close Kamui's door, I close my eyes. It's like a constant reminder. I don't know why it has to be his door.
Does it hold any significance at all that it has to be his? Must be. Everything in this life does, doesn't it?
I wouldn't be surprised anymore.
* click, clack *
I don't want to think about it. The memory, as small as it is, still stands so fresh in my mind.
* click, clack click, clack *
My mother's tears.
Falling to the ground.
Quietly, but echoing...
*tap, tap, tap *
Like the rain outside now…so loudly.
*click clack click clack *
They're taking me away forever. These monks with their slippers going click clack click clack…
*click…cling, cling… *
Ojou-san.
This chaotic quietness also reminds me of you and your sword.
* pound, pound… *
I keep on pounding on a wall. How will I even touch that kind of high security as you hold your sword invisibly and defensively against me?
I shook my head and hit my forehead. Then, I rubbed my eyes. "You really are sleepy, aren't you, Sorata?"
I looked around and took a deep breath as I sighed slowly. "I'll get scolded for not keeping watch."
Then, I laughed. "Naw, that could be just her way of affection?"
Either way, it could be a good plan. At least she'd talk to me?
As I went down the empty hall, I am comforted by the silence and peace that surrounds me for the moment. Even if there's rain, I don't mind anymore.
But after a few paces, I immediately stopped. There She was in front of me as she stood there like a beautiful statue looking out the windowpane.
I swear, I didn't want to move from where I was. It was so rare to look at her this way. I gulped.
Sorata, you could be such a dork sometimes.
Wait…is she frowning?
You can't just stand there, you idiot-
"What is so amusing?" She said as she turned her face towards my direction. Wearing the same serious expression on her face, I instantly gave her my smile.
The usual reaction.
"I was just passing by."
"Then pass," she matter-of-factly says.
"You don't stand in front of windows, Ojou-san," I seriously say as I stand in my place looking at her still. "Not unless you're watching someone."
"…" She becomes silent.
"I always wonder what you think about when you look at rain, Ojou-san." I began to put my hands in my pockets and smiled wistfully. "Everyone has a memory in the rain. If I ever found someone who didn't, that in itself would be kind of sad."
"…"
"It doesn't have to be something big, you know."
I stop for a bit, but then think that this is just a natural occurrence in the world. For her not to talk has become something endearing in a way just as she has gotten used to me talking in a one-way conversation.
But I don't think she has to tell me anything. I instinctively understand, as she does with me.
"I think I told you about mine right?" I then stepped a bit closer and leaned on the wall as I put my hands in back of my head like a little kid. "Grandpa and all the monks took me away in the rain. And I remember my mother cried after me calling my name over and over. I wasn't allowed to look back, but I did."
Her eyes slightly lower.
"That was the day I found out about my destiny…" I sighed as I smiled and looked at her. "You know the rest."
She kept her silent opinions to herself.
I nudge her lightly on the arm with my elbow. "Now that you know about me, care to tell me a little about yourself?"
I stood there hopeful not really expecting anything.
It was then that I could feel the tension and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I pushed myself off the wall with my foot and took out my hands from my pockets. Then, I patted her head as I sincerely said, "You probably have your reasons not to tell me. I'll always understand that."
Inside, I was a little disappointed. I wanted to know everything about this woman…
This woman I had grown to love.
The one I myself had dubbed most beautiful in the world.
But also the most silent of them all.
You can't win them all, can you, Sorata?
As I was letting go of my hand from the top of her soft hair, in that split second, she answered in a whisper, "I…I can't."
I stood in back of her and turned my head though her back was still facing me. With all my heart, I replied calmly, "Why?"
"I…I wanted to forget it."
"Forget what?"
"For a time, I thought I would purposely forget the memory."
Then, I heard her…
Like an echo that silently passes painfully…
I heard her sniff as she tried to quickly throw away the tear that had come down her face with the back of her hand.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. "Stop…stop crying."
It was then that I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Whispering to her ear softly and with guilt, I say, ""Don't tell me if you're not ready. Please…please don't cry."
"Do anything, but please don't cry."
I don't want to make you cry too. I can't bear it.
Shout at me. Hit me. Anything but this.
"You tell me to tell you my memory. How can I tell you my memory of the rain without crying?"
I closed my eyes even more as I wrapped my arms around her tighter.
"Who has ever had a happy memory in the rain? Tell me this."
My eyes open in shock.
Who was I lying to? Who were you lying to, Sorata? How can you not cry when you think of your mother and the rain?
How could you make her cry? You idiot…
"Because I love you. That's why." I answer helplessly as I close my eyes again while hugging her tighter than before.
Kissing the back of her head carefully, I try to comfort her.
"Please forget it. Please forget what I said," I plead. "I won't ever ask again. Please stop crying…"
I know my pleas or comforts won't do anything to ease anything. Just like years ago…
When I realized what destiny meant…
You can't stop what's coming.
No matter how painful it is.
But I'll try to. As much as I can, Ojou-san.
For you…
If…if only you would tell me how…
On the other side of the window, the clouds tears run down the glass surface…
Tap…tap…tap…
Another memory in the rain has been etched into my heart.
I don't care if it's like this...
Even if it's like this.
I want to hold on a little longer.
I look up to the ceiling above us.
This is my prayer. I've never asked for anything and I'm not bitter about what has happened in my life.
But I beg you,
Whoever is listening,
Just a little longer…
Please...
--
Author's note: * sniff, sniff, blows nose * I haven't cried this much since 'When You blink' or the seventh chapter of 'Random Thoughts'.
I hope this was to your liking Setsuna-san because this chapter was especially for you. * winks * I tried really hard! * smiles *
* laughs * Well, I occasionally use a song to write with to get the mood. For Sorata, I used, "Damn, I wish I was your lover" by ? Well, to me, it fits.