Disclaimer: X belongs to Clamp. I write fanfics in appreciate for the dedication of the artists and write this in appreciation of their continuing effort to provide thought-provoking plots and original characters.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Certain lips hinted of a slight smile though I could see where they had gone through to get where they should have. I could do nothing to preserve the life of that smile giver.
Though she lives forever…
She is not of this world anymore. And it might as well be better this way.
But who am I to say these types of things? I do not rule people's lives as the God or the one named Kamui.
I am only a dreamgazer. A dreamgazer freely goes through dreams and visions, but is kept inside their little bubble.
They can only go so far.
They can only do so much with their painted landscape.
Chapter 16 - Yume wa monogatari no youni… (A dream is like a story…)
"Dreams are like stories, Hokuto," I said as I sat at the cliff while she squatted next to me. Her arm was over her knees as we sat off the imaginary beach below us. "But stories are like dreams."
"Why do you say that?" she glanced at me and then threw a rock while watching it drop into a little dot into the crashing ocean. "Dreams are dreams, Kakyou."
"I mean that they only last for so long. You don't know if they really happened unless you remember what you wanted to recollect."
She turned her face towards me and leaned her right hand on her cheek. "But that's like history. You can't recall everything, but humans record what they need to and want to. It isn't necessarily what they see, you know. Everyone sees things differently."
I shook my head and smiled at her. "You think so clearly. Is that because you don't have to dream for other people?"
She knocked her forehead on my own and answered, "I dream for myself. No one ever forces you to be something if you really don't want to do it."
"Are you sure?"
She got up. "That's what I believe."
Then, her face became a little wistful as she looked straight in front of her at the horizon line. "That's what I'm trying to tell Subaru. But he won't listen to me." She turned her head towards me with her hands folded behind her. "You and my brother are alike in that respect."
"Ah…" I nodded.
I hopelessly enjoyed these quiet times with Hokuto. She always cleared my head whenever I thought too much and sometimes, it made me laugh by her seriousness, yet playful attitude towards everything.
"You are always so positive," I commented as I took a pebble into my fingers. I looked at it for a bit. It was so smooth and yet so rough at the same time. How things that are paradoxical exist I will never truly understand in this world.
Life and not living it in my case, for example.
"I have to be." She then sat by me again. "If I don't, people I care for will frown."
She shook her head as her gaze became a bit distant. I didn't know if she was talking to herself or me as she continued, "I promised it ever since the day that my brother came back to me with tears in his eyes because of his curse. If I won't do it, no one else will do it. Besides, if you want something done right, then you do it yourself, ne?"
"Yes, that's the way to go," I agreed as I nodded my head.
But then, I looked at the blue sky. Was this how a real beach was? I only learned this from books and what people told me.
I never really experienced them before.
Only when Fuuma took me from my bed did I even feel what the true city air was. Though I hated his method about going about things, I was a bit grateful for it.
"Do you want me to tell you your fortune, Hokuto?" I looked at her as she glanced back at me. But she shook her head at me. "Thank you, but I'm not scared like other people are of the future. That's what I learned when you come from an omniyouji family. If you live, you live. If you die, you die."
She took a palm-sized rock into her fist and threw it with all her might. "The people that are afraid are the ones that regret stuff." Hokuto smiled at me. "I haven't regretted anything in my life. I only wish I could have been with Subaru more."
My eyes had opened at that moment in shock. She had already known all along that she was going to die.
Yet, she was not scared at all.
What a strong person you are, Hokuto.
That's why I love you so much.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "You must be strong too, Kakyou. I believe in you."
Everyone who had ever confronted or met with me always thanked me like I was something special. They treated me that way only because of my ability to help them. They were only trying to save themselves in the end.
But she…
She was the pillar of my strength. Hokuto believed in me as a human from the bottom of my detached and scarred heart.
Hugging me closer and tighter, she whispered, "Why are humans so lonely?"
The smile I had learned to love began to crumble as she shook in front of me. "I can never show these types of emotions to anyone. 'Hokuto-chan always smiles so much.'they always tell me. Maybe…maybe I'm kind of jealous that my brother got most of everyone's attention." She sobbed as she quivered in my arms. "Only he loves me, though."
I shook my head. "No, I can assure you that there is someone who loves you even more than that."
"Thank you…you are such a good friend, Kakyou." She answered. "I love you too."
As a companion. As a friend.
That's all she thought what _I_ thought of her.
But if you were to really read my thoughts, you'd see, you were the only one in that category that was ever marked 'happy'.
"Happy dreams"…visions that came and went so quickly.
"You have to wake up soon, Hokuto," I said with a smile though it killed me inside. I patted her back softly. "If you don't go…"
"What will you do, Kakyou?" She wiped her tears as she looked into my eyes.
"I might keep you here forever. But your brother would hate me for it." I laughed at the truth.
I would keep you here forever if it meant that you could be 'alive'. But when your destiny has been decided by the stars, you cannot choose like the ordinary people do.
They are the truly free ones in this world.
But, I became a prisoner of my own heart.
"You would keep me here." She smiled as she held my cheek with her hand. "Am I just a dream to you, Kakyou?"
"A very good one if I may comment," I replied.
"You…" she said as she came closer to my face.
"…would…" She held both of my cheeks.
"…keep me…" Hokuto then kissed me on the lips gently.
It was then that I knew what strawberries tasted like…
As she slowly opened her eyes as I kept mine open with much shock upon them, I finally understood the magic that Hokuto-chan had.
If you had been the one to inherit the Sumeragi household, no power would stand against you, Hokuto. I hope you know that.
She went into the threshold, but before she did so, she said, "I wouldn't mind being kept for a while, Kakyou."
And I stared at that abyss of a doorway for a long time. It would be one of the last few times I ever saw her or felt her warmth beside me.
Never again…
But you didn't know, Hokuto. You never asked my age, didn't you?
I didn't want to tell you. You know why? You really want to know why?
I've been watching you all along.
I've been watching you as long and as carefully as the Sakurazukamori stalking his beloved prey which happens to be your brother.
Whenever you felt lonely, I tried to give you a happy dream. I came in different forms to you so that you would never feel sadness as long as I could give it to you.
You didn't know the nights I stayed awake with my consciousness fading to its last extent just to be able to catch a glimpse of you.
Hinoto would get so mad at me but I didn't listen to her when she warned me of my reckless actions.
I wasn't God, I know that. But I damn well tried to be.
Only for you.
And the smile I had tried to keep so clear inside of me, this little happiness I had tried to preserve as all humans do, it is starting to fade away.
But, no matter how well you try to hold onto something, it will eventually fade from you. There are some things that you will want to erase.
That's why if I want to live in my dreams, I damn will. There is nothing else for me to do now.
I then smiled a sorrowful grin as I began to sing to myself a song that I found in her dream once. It was by a singer called Hyde and it was called 'Shallow Sleep':
"I just saw you
Beyond the course of time
A room that we once shared
But my memory's a haze
Forgetting what was said
I gently held out my hand
And in that perfect moment
You disappeared –
I lost you over again
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me
Till I wake
I just saw you
A moment far too brief
Before the daylight came
But my heart is beating fast
Perhaps we'll meet again
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
I see you
Until I wake from shallow sleep
An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no color
A colorless landscape
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me
Till I wake
I see you –
Shallow sleep "
So, I still think that dreams are like stories, as I had said to you. And stories are like dreams.
You only choose what you want to remember.
And I'm losing my life ever so slowly without you.
There is no story left for me to tell.
My hand twitched as I slept on the bed. Whispering with barely any strength, I say,
"One that I want to talk about, I mean…"
Drifting into unconsciousness, my lips curved up a bit with a bittersweet strawberry taste as I sang my favorite lines again:
"An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no colour
A colourless landscape"
--
Author's note: I love Kakyou… * sighs * I tried to make him both gentle, yet not overly sad.
It took me a while to make this chapter after a disheartening review. Though I understand everyone has their own opinions, one thing I will not tolerate is an attitude that assumes what _I_ have to say. That's all I have to say about it.
I know I'm not one of the greatest writers out there, nor am I that popular among the anime world, but one thing you can never tell me is that I don't have passion. Though I write quite weirdly, I realize now that people don't read my stories for the numerous proofreads I don't fix or other. It's for the emotion. I used to wonder why I would win poem contests when I thought my format was so simple, but now I'm beginning to understand.
I like Subaru and Seishirou because of their characters and their stories. (Explaining why would require me to tell my what I write in my journal and my life story, though.) But that doesn't mean I don't like the other pairings in the X series. And 'false angst'? Sorry, but I wanted to make Karen have someone that she could actually touch. I love Aoki, in fact I loved him since the first time I saw that business guy with his polite ways as well as Karen. But he was already promised to another person.
Let me say, 'false angst' that is spoken of because of Karen being 'abused, Catholic, etc.' I can say that yes, I did make another story and didn't mention Aoki at all. Sorry. But angst is something I can't create without experience. Try to be an esper, catholic, reincarnated, discriminated, going through anxiety attacks…' and that's not _even_ the tip of the iceburg. If you can imagine that, you can see why I saw myself through Karen.
But on the upside, I have to say, thanks to you too Neko Mimi. You know why? I realized that just have to try harder.
So, thank you so much for reading this maybe meaningless author's note and my random rants.
I just want to say thank you very very much for those who have faithfully read this, especially you Dafna-chan. I wouldn't have gotten into a writer's block for every fanfic if it weren't for your moral support. So, I'll tell you now that this whole fic, beginning, middle, end…all of it's dedicated to you.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Certain lips hinted of a slight smile though I could see where they had gone through to get where they should have. I could do nothing to preserve the life of that smile giver.
Though she lives forever…
She is not of this world anymore. And it might as well be better this way.
But who am I to say these types of things? I do not rule people's lives as the God or the one named Kamui.
I am only a dreamgazer. A dreamgazer freely goes through dreams and visions, but is kept inside their little bubble.
They can only go so far.
They can only do so much with their painted landscape.
Chapter 16 - Yume wa monogatari no youni… (A dream is like a story…)
"Dreams are like stories, Hokuto," I said as I sat at the cliff while she squatted next to me. Her arm was over her knees as we sat off the imaginary beach below us. "But stories are like dreams."
"Why do you say that?" she glanced at me and then threw a rock while watching it drop into a little dot into the crashing ocean. "Dreams are dreams, Kakyou."
"I mean that they only last for so long. You don't know if they really happened unless you remember what you wanted to recollect."
She turned her face towards me and leaned her right hand on her cheek. "But that's like history. You can't recall everything, but humans record what they need to and want to. It isn't necessarily what they see, you know. Everyone sees things differently."
I shook my head and smiled at her. "You think so clearly. Is that because you don't have to dream for other people?"
She knocked her forehead on my own and answered, "I dream for myself. No one ever forces you to be something if you really don't want to do it."
"Are you sure?"
She got up. "That's what I believe."
Then, her face became a little wistful as she looked straight in front of her at the horizon line. "That's what I'm trying to tell Subaru. But he won't listen to me." She turned her head towards me with her hands folded behind her. "You and my brother are alike in that respect."
"Ah…" I nodded.
I hopelessly enjoyed these quiet times with Hokuto. She always cleared my head whenever I thought too much and sometimes, it made me laugh by her seriousness, yet playful attitude towards everything.
"You are always so positive," I commented as I took a pebble into my fingers. I looked at it for a bit. It was so smooth and yet so rough at the same time. How things that are paradoxical exist I will never truly understand in this world.
Life and not living it in my case, for example.
"I have to be." She then sat by me again. "If I don't, people I care for will frown."
She shook her head as her gaze became a bit distant. I didn't know if she was talking to herself or me as she continued, "I promised it ever since the day that my brother came back to me with tears in his eyes because of his curse. If I won't do it, no one else will do it. Besides, if you want something done right, then you do it yourself, ne?"
"Yes, that's the way to go," I agreed as I nodded my head.
But then, I looked at the blue sky. Was this how a real beach was? I only learned this from books and what people told me.
I never really experienced them before.
Only when Fuuma took me from my bed did I even feel what the true city air was. Though I hated his method about going about things, I was a bit grateful for it.
"Do you want me to tell you your fortune, Hokuto?" I looked at her as she glanced back at me. But she shook her head at me. "Thank you, but I'm not scared like other people are of the future. That's what I learned when you come from an omniyouji family. If you live, you live. If you die, you die."
She took a palm-sized rock into her fist and threw it with all her might. "The people that are afraid are the ones that regret stuff." Hokuto smiled at me. "I haven't regretted anything in my life. I only wish I could have been with Subaru more."
My eyes had opened at that moment in shock. She had already known all along that she was going to die.
Yet, she was not scared at all.
What a strong person you are, Hokuto.
That's why I love you so much.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "You must be strong too, Kakyou. I believe in you."
Everyone who had ever confronted or met with me always thanked me like I was something special. They treated me that way only because of my ability to help them. They were only trying to save themselves in the end.
But she…
She was the pillar of my strength. Hokuto believed in me as a human from the bottom of my detached and scarred heart.
Hugging me closer and tighter, she whispered, "Why are humans so lonely?"
The smile I had learned to love began to crumble as she shook in front of me. "I can never show these types of emotions to anyone. 'Hokuto-chan always smiles so much.'they always tell me. Maybe…maybe I'm kind of jealous that my brother got most of everyone's attention." She sobbed as she quivered in my arms. "Only he loves me, though."
I shook my head. "No, I can assure you that there is someone who loves you even more than that."
"Thank you…you are such a good friend, Kakyou." She answered. "I love you too."
As a companion. As a friend.
That's all she thought what _I_ thought of her.
But if you were to really read my thoughts, you'd see, you were the only one in that category that was ever marked 'happy'.
"Happy dreams"…visions that came and went so quickly.
"You have to wake up soon, Hokuto," I said with a smile though it killed me inside. I patted her back softly. "If you don't go…"
"What will you do, Kakyou?" She wiped her tears as she looked into my eyes.
"I might keep you here forever. But your brother would hate me for it." I laughed at the truth.
I would keep you here forever if it meant that you could be 'alive'. But when your destiny has been decided by the stars, you cannot choose like the ordinary people do.
They are the truly free ones in this world.
But, I became a prisoner of my own heart.
"You would keep me here." She smiled as she held my cheek with her hand. "Am I just a dream to you, Kakyou?"
"A very good one if I may comment," I replied.
"You…" she said as she came closer to my face.
"…would…" She held both of my cheeks.
"…keep me…" Hokuto then kissed me on the lips gently.
It was then that I knew what strawberries tasted like…
As she slowly opened her eyes as I kept mine open with much shock upon them, I finally understood the magic that Hokuto-chan had.
If you had been the one to inherit the Sumeragi household, no power would stand against you, Hokuto. I hope you know that.
She went into the threshold, but before she did so, she said, "I wouldn't mind being kept for a while, Kakyou."
And I stared at that abyss of a doorway for a long time. It would be one of the last few times I ever saw her or felt her warmth beside me.
Never again…
But you didn't know, Hokuto. You never asked my age, didn't you?
I didn't want to tell you. You know why? You really want to know why?
I've been watching you all along.
I've been watching you as long and as carefully as the Sakurazukamori stalking his beloved prey which happens to be your brother.
Whenever you felt lonely, I tried to give you a happy dream. I came in different forms to you so that you would never feel sadness as long as I could give it to you.
You didn't know the nights I stayed awake with my consciousness fading to its last extent just to be able to catch a glimpse of you.
Hinoto would get so mad at me but I didn't listen to her when she warned me of my reckless actions.
I wasn't God, I know that. But I damn well tried to be.
Only for you.
And the smile I had tried to keep so clear inside of me, this little happiness I had tried to preserve as all humans do, it is starting to fade away.
But, no matter how well you try to hold onto something, it will eventually fade from you. There are some things that you will want to erase.
That's why if I want to live in my dreams, I damn will. There is nothing else for me to do now.
I then smiled a sorrowful grin as I began to sing to myself a song that I found in her dream once. It was by a singer called Hyde and it was called 'Shallow Sleep':
"I just saw you
Beyond the course of time
A room that we once shared
But my memory's a haze
Forgetting what was said
I gently held out my hand
And in that perfect moment
You disappeared –
I lost you over again
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me
Till I wake
I just saw you
A moment far too brief
Before the daylight came
But my heart is beating fast
Perhaps we'll meet again
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
I see you
Until I wake from shallow sleep
An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no color
A colorless landscape
In a shallow sleep
I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me
Till I wake
I see you –
Shallow sleep "
So, I still think that dreams are like stories, as I had said to you. And stories are like dreams.
You only choose what you want to remember.
And I'm losing my life ever so slowly without you.
There is no story left for me to tell.
My hand twitched as I slept on the bed. Whispering with barely any strength, I say,
"One that I want to talk about, I mean…"
Drifting into unconsciousness, my lips curved up a bit with a bittersweet strawberry taste as I sang my favorite lines again:
"An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no colour
A colourless landscape"
--
Author's note: I love Kakyou… * sighs * I tried to make him both gentle, yet not overly sad.
It took me a while to make this chapter after a disheartening review. Though I understand everyone has their own opinions, one thing I will not tolerate is an attitude that assumes what _I_ have to say. That's all I have to say about it.
I know I'm not one of the greatest writers out there, nor am I that popular among the anime world, but one thing you can never tell me is that I don't have passion. Though I write quite weirdly, I realize now that people don't read my stories for the numerous proofreads I don't fix or other. It's for the emotion. I used to wonder why I would win poem contests when I thought my format was so simple, but now I'm beginning to understand.
I like Subaru and Seishirou because of their characters and their stories. (Explaining why would require me to tell my what I write in my journal and my life story, though.) But that doesn't mean I don't like the other pairings in the X series. And 'false angst'? Sorry, but I wanted to make Karen have someone that she could actually touch. I love Aoki, in fact I loved him since the first time I saw that business guy with his polite ways as well as Karen. But he was already promised to another person.
Let me say, 'false angst' that is spoken of because of Karen being 'abused, Catholic, etc.' I can say that yes, I did make another story and didn't mention Aoki at all. Sorry. But angst is something I can't create without experience. Try to be an esper, catholic, reincarnated, discriminated, going through anxiety attacks…' and that's not _even_ the tip of the iceburg. If you can imagine that, you can see why I saw myself through Karen.
But on the upside, I have to say, thanks to you too Neko Mimi. You know why? I realized that just have to try harder.
So, thank you so much for reading this maybe meaningless author's note and my random rants.
I just want to say thank you very very much for those who have faithfully read this, especially you Dafna-chan. I wouldn't have gotten into a writer's block for every fanfic if it weren't for your moral support. So, I'll tell you now that this whole fic, beginning, middle, end…all of it's dedicated to you.