Disclaimer: X is by Clamp. I just do this in appreciation of them… The song is by Hyde from 'Shallow Sleep'.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 17 – Maybe if you looked back at me…
"Heh," I thought as I looked to the sky almost losing myself in the song as we passed a music store. It was from some famous band in Japan for quite sometime now. I actually loved that song. And so, it was not surprising for me to find myself smiling s I heard,
"An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no colour
A colourless landscape"
"Yes, when someone doesn't know color, that would be horrid," I thought as I looked at her walk away from me. This was the part of Tokyo that sometimes made me feel sad. We had to end our nice walks and talks at this street.
This was where our worlds differed. She went one way and I went the other.
Before, I thought nothing of it. It was just an occurrence that friends always had, right? You intersect for a while, and then you must depart and go back to where you belong in the world.
But as the days passed into months, I realized those moments were important.
Maybe it was because I knew we were dying with smiles plastered to our faces to hid everything. To everyone else not involved in the end of the world, we were just ordinary people trying to live our lives to the fullest.
Or maybe it was because I had learned a lot from her. For with all the time I spent with her, I never left without something to think about.
But nonetheless, I found myself, at times, standing there longer with her so that we wouldn't have to part.
To keep this moment as if it was locked in time.
In reality, I knew I was just prolonging the end…
I would even stop to look in back of me sometimes. And I would stare at her coat, dress, or whatever caught my eye at that moment, and see her clothing flow behind her. From the back, I saw the repose she wanted to give the world.
But I knew more than probably all her lovers and admirers could ever grasp of her.
And somehow, my hand had caught this aspect that wouldn't be shown to the world.
I couldn't feel nothing less than a resolved admiration for such a woman. Sure, she laughed at the times I acted very scatterbrained, but then she was truly smiling at that moment. It wasn't the kind you would give to just anyone.
No, she was much deeper than that.
But she would never look back of her. I didn't blame her though. Maybe it would make her think of bad times if she did.
But...if she looked back now…
…maybe she would see me standing there looking at her.
I didn't want her in a sexual way. I was only attracted to her charm and wit. I don't know how else to describe it really.
Except, deep inside…
Deep inside of myself, I knew we had made a connection that no one could even begin to understand or touch.
We were close, yet so far away from one another.
Her scarf flowed behind her as if saying 'bye' to me. I laughed a bit as I turned around at the irony of it all.
As I walked home with my paper over my head, the rain began to fall again and so I found myself running home faster or less careful than I should have. But it did not matter. The faster I go home, the faster I could see my family.
My daughter immediately jumped into my arms before I came through the door as she snuggled her baby face into my stomach as much as she could.
"Daddy is covered in water," I laughed as I tried my best to take off my jacket and shoes..
"Mine," she teased as she held onto me. "I didn't see Daddy all this week! I want a hug!"
"Anything you say, Yuka-chan!" I then took her into my arms and laughed as we went into the hallway.
Bowing my head at Shimako-san, we then sat down to eat. And we discussed about this week's events even though I had e-mailed them and knew exactly what was going on.
Yuka-chan made me a picture today. All of us were holding hands and smiling in the picture. She put it on the refrigerator like a one-million dollar masterpiece. I would have to say, that's how Shimako-san and I looked at it too.
She was happy and safe. This is what she felt.
And I couldn't help but feel proud while smiling from ear to ear.
Yuka-chan then pulled my sleeve and we both brushed our teeth together. She then laughed as I made weird faces at her through the mirror.
Those innocent eyes had never seen my power...
At that moment, as we entered her bedroom, the wind gently swayed the curtains as if calling to me. Still smiling at my little girl, she climbed onto her bed and handed me a book to read to her.
Then, Shimako-san came in and crawled onto the bed on the other side of Yuka-chan. As I read the story, they were quiet and they both listened attentively.
When Yuka-chan fell asleep, we both kissed her on the forehead and headed for our room. As I pushed off my slippers, my wife kissed my own forehead and slipped onto the covers. I got into bed and pulled the covers over me. It was then that Shimako-san put her arms around me and put her head on my chest. "Oyasumi."
"Oyasumi," I said I placed my glasses on the nightstand and turned off the light.
After twenty minutes of silence, my wife, knowing me as well as she did, whispered, "What's wrong?"
"Huh?" I was startled a bit by this because I didn't expect it. I was so preoccupied with trying to sleep that I didn't pay attention to anything but the words in my head.
"Can't get to sleep." I frowned though she couldn't see me.
"Work has been stressing you out?" She turned her head to look up at me. It was then that our eyes adjusted to the darkness around us.
"Kind of. The editor is asking me to get the next installment...but you know those four women are hard to manage when they have how many projects. They get things on time, but it's always by the millionth of a second before."
She patted my chest. "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it. You'll get sick again if you do."
I almost forgot how life was before I had a family...when I was alone. Though I was Saiki's uncle, I showed him a part of me that worked hard and was decent.
But that was only through knowing what was dark in the first place. Exposed to so many things while I was growing up, I had learned to be true to myself and delve into what was true. I knew the difference between making a decision and choosing the 'better one'.
Everything is gray in life, but there can't be a gray without a black and a white, right? Simplistic as that might have been, that was the only thing I knew in life. You had to be sincere and respect whomever and whatever, no matter what.
When I was young, about the age of fifteen, I finally realized the extent of my powers. They weren't as tame as they were now, and that came with a lot of training. Shimako-san tries not to worry, but I know she thinks about it when I'm gone.
I told her that if for any reason I died early, she was supposed to follow with whatever we had planned. At first she got mad at me, but then, she accepted it without question.
I remember 'proposing' to her with a heart about to burst out of pity and sincerity...
"Matte!!!!!!" I had shouted across the train track as the guards were about to come down slowly between us.
Huffing and puffing, I placed my hands on my knees and breathed heavily.
Shimako-san looked at me with a wistful smile almost with a twinge of hope.
"I know I'm a good for nothing! But I promise to be better!" I shouted with all my might. "I love you! Marry me!!!"
I was just college student who didn't know any better and worked so hard that I didn't know the difference between people and work. Work had always come first.
But then, I met Shimako-san.
With her gentle kindness, I had gradually regained the pieces of my hard-heart. Inside, I thought that if I was some sort of freak with a power, then I must try my hardest to be as human as possible.
To blend in...
Even if I'm to die early, maybe I didn't deserve happiness. For my death would cause another's pain.
She just stood there and tilted her head and held her bag in front of her. "But you told me you will die early! What will happen to me?!"
"I want to make you happy!" I shouted from the core of my soul and closed my eyes so hard that I didn't want to open them. I was so scared about the reality I had presented myself.
The train passed and it felt like an eternity passed when 108 storage cases whizzed before me.
I almost cried.
Just when you think that someone would be able to break your coldness...
It was then that when I looked in front of me to see what I had lost. To regret what I had thought someone like me could wish for.
I didn't deserve that type of thing, didn't I? Just like in high school when someone had found out about my power.
There she stood across the track. With tears in her eyes, she shouted, "You promise, Seiichirou?!"
I nodded my head.
Then, she shouted the words I would always keep with me for the rest of my life:
"Only you can make yourself happy! I just want to be with you...
So please believe in what I say!"
I laughed as we walked towards one another because in the end, she had proposed to me.
So...
As I walked again with Karen-san today, we leaned on the back of a park bench and licked ice cream from our cones.
It was that look.
That look…
I don't know if you'll understand what I'm trying to say, but there was a look she had that took down all her discretions.
I felt like I was looking at myself years ago when her eyes looked far away from my own.
My wife's voice suddenly bursted inside of my head, "You promise, Seiichirou?!"
Karen-san had not regarded herself so highly as I did. And that was how I had looked at myself also.
Through Karen, I had seen myself somewhat. Though I tried to make her see that it was otherwise, something like this doesn't magically go away. Scars that you've inflicted on yourself and others as well as the ones that others place on you can never be fully healed.
They stay there waiting and ignored.
I don't know how to put it. It is a twisted and complicated thing. The intricacies go beyond the human heart and mind.
And so, when Karen turned again at our usual spot, I found myself grabbing her arm before logic had set in my nerves. Startled, he tilted her head and asked, "What happened?"
I looked at her unable to say what I wanted.
As if reading my mind, like always, she smiled as I loosened my grip. Then, she patted my cheek. "Stop worrying about me."
I was the one now surprised. I didn't know I had made myself seem so.
She turned around and walked on her path. But I stood there still watching her back.
It was then, for the first time…
She turned her head to watch me too.
In depths of my feelings, like words floating on the surface of water, I tried to deny myself of what I was thinking.
But at that moment, I let it slip. Deep inside of me, I thought,
"It would have been you, Karen..."
As if to answer me, her lips said, "Thank you."
Then, she walked on with her apricot scarf following behind her.
I almost wanted to catch it…
Even if it was wrong of me to do so.
If she had looked back, she would have known that I felt like I was waiting for something. I didn't know what, but I knew that if she looked back one of these days, she would realize it was me.
That I was...
...
to be continued.
--
Author's note: I didn't know what to do with him. But I didn't want a married man falling for Karen. But I think Seiichirou and Karen make a cute couple too...does this make any sense to you? I'm sorry if I'm confusing.
I've always like Aoki though. And if anyone really knew me, they'd see I'd love him if there were a real life version of him because he's a clean cut, honest, dorky, business man. And so, that's why it took me so many chapters to finally bring this up. Actually, he was supposed to be after 3 people, but I felt it was more appropriate here. Why? Well, the next set of characters will be a challenge to me because I don't know how they think.
Also, I wanted this to be a reverse to Karen's chapter (in which this chapter was made many months ago-around march to tell the truth. ^^;;;) in which Aoki is thinking about Karen. You never really see that in the manga. It's always Karen thinking about Aoki and his actions, and even her character file!
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 17 – Maybe if you looked back at me…
"Heh," I thought as I looked to the sky almost losing myself in the song as we passed a music store. It was from some famous band in Japan for quite sometime now. I actually loved that song. And so, it was not surprising for me to find myself smiling s I heard,
"An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here -- there is no colour
A colourless landscape"
"Yes, when someone doesn't know color, that would be horrid," I thought as I looked at her walk away from me. This was the part of Tokyo that sometimes made me feel sad. We had to end our nice walks and talks at this street.
This was where our worlds differed. She went one way and I went the other.
Before, I thought nothing of it. It was just an occurrence that friends always had, right? You intersect for a while, and then you must depart and go back to where you belong in the world.
But as the days passed into months, I realized those moments were important.
Maybe it was because I knew we were dying with smiles plastered to our faces to hid everything. To everyone else not involved in the end of the world, we were just ordinary people trying to live our lives to the fullest.
Or maybe it was because I had learned a lot from her. For with all the time I spent with her, I never left without something to think about.
But nonetheless, I found myself, at times, standing there longer with her so that we wouldn't have to part.
To keep this moment as if it was locked in time.
In reality, I knew I was just prolonging the end…
I would even stop to look in back of me sometimes. And I would stare at her coat, dress, or whatever caught my eye at that moment, and see her clothing flow behind her. From the back, I saw the repose she wanted to give the world.
But I knew more than probably all her lovers and admirers could ever grasp of her.
And somehow, my hand had caught this aspect that wouldn't be shown to the world.
I couldn't feel nothing less than a resolved admiration for such a woman. Sure, she laughed at the times I acted very scatterbrained, but then she was truly smiling at that moment. It wasn't the kind you would give to just anyone.
No, she was much deeper than that.
But she would never look back of her. I didn't blame her though. Maybe it would make her think of bad times if she did.
But...if she looked back now…
…maybe she would see me standing there looking at her.
I didn't want her in a sexual way. I was only attracted to her charm and wit. I don't know how else to describe it really.
Except, deep inside…
Deep inside of myself, I knew we had made a connection that no one could even begin to understand or touch.
We were close, yet so far away from one another.
Her scarf flowed behind her as if saying 'bye' to me. I laughed a bit as I turned around at the irony of it all.
As I walked home with my paper over my head, the rain began to fall again and so I found myself running home faster or less careful than I should have. But it did not matter. The faster I go home, the faster I could see my family.
My daughter immediately jumped into my arms before I came through the door as she snuggled her baby face into my stomach as much as she could.
"Daddy is covered in water," I laughed as I tried my best to take off my jacket and shoes..
"Mine," she teased as she held onto me. "I didn't see Daddy all this week! I want a hug!"
"Anything you say, Yuka-chan!" I then took her into my arms and laughed as we went into the hallway.
Bowing my head at Shimako-san, we then sat down to eat. And we discussed about this week's events even though I had e-mailed them and knew exactly what was going on.
Yuka-chan made me a picture today. All of us were holding hands and smiling in the picture. She put it on the refrigerator like a one-million dollar masterpiece. I would have to say, that's how Shimako-san and I looked at it too.
She was happy and safe. This is what she felt.
And I couldn't help but feel proud while smiling from ear to ear.
Yuka-chan then pulled my sleeve and we both brushed our teeth together. She then laughed as I made weird faces at her through the mirror.
Those innocent eyes had never seen my power...
At that moment, as we entered her bedroom, the wind gently swayed the curtains as if calling to me. Still smiling at my little girl, she climbed onto her bed and handed me a book to read to her.
Then, Shimako-san came in and crawled onto the bed on the other side of Yuka-chan. As I read the story, they were quiet and they both listened attentively.
When Yuka-chan fell asleep, we both kissed her on the forehead and headed for our room. As I pushed off my slippers, my wife kissed my own forehead and slipped onto the covers. I got into bed and pulled the covers over me. It was then that Shimako-san put her arms around me and put her head on my chest. "Oyasumi."
"Oyasumi," I said I placed my glasses on the nightstand and turned off the light.
After twenty minutes of silence, my wife, knowing me as well as she did, whispered, "What's wrong?"
"Huh?" I was startled a bit by this because I didn't expect it. I was so preoccupied with trying to sleep that I didn't pay attention to anything but the words in my head.
"Can't get to sleep." I frowned though she couldn't see me.
"Work has been stressing you out?" She turned her head to look up at me. It was then that our eyes adjusted to the darkness around us.
"Kind of. The editor is asking me to get the next installment...but you know those four women are hard to manage when they have how many projects. They get things on time, but it's always by the millionth of a second before."
She patted my chest. "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it. You'll get sick again if you do."
I almost forgot how life was before I had a family...when I was alone. Though I was Saiki's uncle, I showed him a part of me that worked hard and was decent.
But that was only through knowing what was dark in the first place. Exposed to so many things while I was growing up, I had learned to be true to myself and delve into what was true. I knew the difference between making a decision and choosing the 'better one'.
Everything is gray in life, but there can't be a gray without a black and a white, right? Simplistic as that might have been, that was the only thing I knew in life. You had to be sincere and respect whomever and whatever, no matter what.
When I was young, about the age of fifteen, I finally realized the extent of my powers. They weren't as tame as they were now, and that came with a lot of training. Shimako-san tries not to worry, but I know she thinks about it when I'm gone.
I told her that if for any reason I died early, she was supposed to follow with whatever we had planned. At first she got mad at me, but then, she accepted it without question.
I remember 'proposing' to her with a heart about to burst out of pity and sincerity...
"Matte!!!!!!" I had shouted across the train track as the guards were about to come down slowly between us.
Huffing and puffing, I placed my hands on my knees and breathed heavily.
Shimako-san looked at me with a wistful smile almost with a twinge of hope.
"I know I'm a good for nothing! But I promise to be better!" I shouted with all my might. "I love you! Marry me!!!"
I was just college student who didn't know any better and worked so hard that I didn't know the difference between people and work. Work had always come first.
But then, I met Shimako-san.
With her gentle kindness, I had gradually regained the pieces of my hard-heart. Inside, I thought that if I was some sort of freak with a power, then I must try my hardest to be as human as possible.
To blend in...
Even if I'm to die early, maybe I didn't deserve happiness. For my death would cause another's pain.
She just stood there and tilted her head and held her bag in front of her. "But you told me you will die early! What will happen to me?!"
"I want to make you happy!" I shouted from the core of my soul and closed my eyes so hard that I didn't want to open them. I was so scared about the reality I had presented myself.
The train passed and it felt like an eternity passed when 108 storage cases whizzed before me.
I almost cried.
Just when you think that someone would be able to break your coldness...
It was then that when I looked in front of me to see what I had lost. To regret what I had thought someone like me could wish for.
I didn't deserve that type of thing, didn't I? Just like in high school when someone had found out about my power.
There she stood across the track. With tears in her eyes, she shouted, "You promise, Seiichirou?!"
I nodded my head.
Then, she shouted the words I would always keep with me for the rest of my life:
"Only you can make yourself happy! I just want to be with you...
So please believe in what I say!"
I laughed as we walked towards one another because in the end, she had proposed to me.
So...
As I walked again with Karen-san today, we leaned on the back of a park bench and licked ice cream from our cones.
It was that look.
That look…
I don't know if you'll understand what I'm trying to say, but there was a look she had that took down all her discretions.
I felt like I was looking at myself years ago when her eyes looked far away from my own.
My wife's voice suddenly bursted inside of my head, "You promise, Seiichirou?!"
Karen-san had not regarded herself so highly as I did. And that was how I had looked at myself also.
Through Karen, I had seen myself somewhat. Though I tried to make her see that it was otherwise, something like this doesn't magically go away. Scars that you've inflicted on yourself and others as well as the ones that others place on you can never be fully healed.
They stay there waiting and ignored.
I don't know how to put it. It is a twisted and complicated thing. The intricacies go beyond the human heart and mind.
And so, when Karen turned again at our usual spot, I found myself grabbing her arm before logic had set in my nerves. Startled, he tilted her head and asked, "What happened?"
I looked at her unable to say what I wanted.
As if reading my mind, like always, she smiled as I loosened my grip. Then, she patted my cheek. "Stop worrying about me."
I was the one now surprised. I didn't know I had made myself seem so.
She turned around and walked on her path. But I stood there still watching her back.
It was then, for the first time…
She turned her head to watch me too.
In depths of my feelings, like words floating on the surface of water, I tried to deny myself of what I was thinking.
But at that moment, I let it slip. Deep inside of me, I thought,
"It would have been you, Karen..."
As if to answer me, her lips said, "Thank you."
Then, she walked on with her apricot scarf following behind her.
I almost wanted to catch it…
Even if it was wrong of me to do so.
If she had looked back, she would have known that I felt like I was waiting for something. I didn't know what, but I knew that if she looked back one of these days, she would realize it was me.
That I was...
...
to be continued.
--
Author's note: I didn't know what to do with him. But I didn't want a married man falling for Karen. But I think Seiichirou and Karen make a cute couple too...does this make any sense to you? I'm sorry if I'm confusing.
I've always like Aoki though. And if anyone really knew me, they'd see I'd love him if there were a real life version of him because he's a clean cut, honest, dorky, business man. And so, that's why it took me so many chapters to finally bring this up. Actually, he was supposed to be after 3 people, but I felt it was more appropriate here. Why? Well, the next set of characters will be a challenge to me because I don't know how they think.
Also, I wanted this to be a reverse to Karen's chapter (in which this chapter was made many months ago-around march to tell the truth. ^^;;;) in which Aoki is thinking about Karen. You never really see that in the manga. It's always Karen thinking about Aoki and his actions, and even her character file!