Disclaimer: X is by Clamp and the lyrics used were from 'Kiss on my list' by Hall and Oates as well as 'You're so vain' by Carly Simon.
Deep Inside Of You
By Miyamoto Yui
"…"
There was nothing he could say as the silence around him comforted his whole being.
As he stood in the middle of his bedroom, there was no sincere reaction on his part.
But whatever he held in his hands, it just gave him an automatic response. He looked at it with a smile that seemed never-ending. And all he could do was stare at the hated, yet loved thing within his hands.
Almost on instinct, he both wanted to embrace it, and yet he had wanted to burn it.
As the moonlight shone in his room, he stared out of the glass window with the wooden floor creaking under his feet. Pacing from one side to the other slowly, he finally stopped to stare at the window.
Then, he looked at what he held in his hands.
"It's still the same as it was then…" He began to laugh to himself in frustration and pleasure. Shaking his head from side to side both in truth and in between lies, he finished, "I only smile when I lie."
Then, he bent his head as he embraced the kimono until everything came back to him vividly as best as it could ever have been revived.
It was the sweetest scent he had ever known:
Sakura mixed with blood.
Chapter 18 – Tsubaki ni naranai… (I cannot become the camellia…)
"Tadaima," the boy had greeted as soon as he closed the door behind him. But, he tried his best to be suave and hide the package behind him. So, he immediately hid it behind the couch as his mother turned to smile at him.
With her folded hands covered with blood, she nodded her head peacefully as she greeted back, "Okaeri. Seishirou-san."
He went towards her as her hands dripped softly onto the ground as if watering them with her cut flesh. Only, it was by another's blood.
How quaint.
He smiled back her. It was the kind of smile he had learned from her: the one that held secrets as if they were never there.
This smile that would learn to deceive even the ones you loved with all of your heart.
"Do you know what day it is today, Mother?" he asked as he walked towards this woman who had been enclosed within her own walls and crept away at night like that a vampire searching for willing victims.
She smirked at him and shook her head with her eyes half-closed. Playfully, she took her bloodied index finger and touched his chin gently. "What day is today?"
From behind, he pulled out a tsubaki.
He almost wanted to laugh and so he couldn't help but comment, "You like this flower better than the sakura?"
As she took the stem into her fingers and took the flower from him, she nodded as she turned around. Looking at the sakura petals falling like red raindrops, she took a sniff of the camellia tenderly. Like a teenager, she giggled childishly.
"I like it because it is truly red. The sakura can never be red no matter how much you stain them."
She turned around as her eyes faced the ground. "No matter what you do, you can't become something you're not."
Her eyes squinted a bit as he focused on her red lips. "No matter what I do, these sakura will never become as wonderful as this flower."
Setsuka then smiled as she looked at Seishirou and tilted her head. "People praise the sakura too much."
"But you _are_ the sakura," Seishirou answered while holding his gaze at his mother.
"So I am…" She then laughed as she turned around in her kimono. "So, I must hate myself, don't I Seishirou-san?"
Her laughter entangled itself in the wind as it passed by suddenly. Setsuka's dark velvet hair waved in the wind as Seishirou watched her with no intention of moving from his place. He had always loved beautiful things anyway.
He thought his mother was truly beautiful.
One of the most beautiful things he had ever seen in his life…
"Today is Mother's Day," he finally said.
She nodded her head. "That's nice."
But did Seishirou really know what a mother was? He never really bothered himself with these minor details. He didn't like troubling himself with things such as this.
They were so trivial…
…so useless.
"And I have a present for you," he announced as he watched his mother.
She nodded her head as she turned around. "Okay, I'll wait until you get it."
He walked slowly to the couch and got the white package. In between his hands, he felt like his hands were bleeding.
It somehow bothered him, but he kept that certain smile on his face.
It was the most natural reaction he could ever give. That damn smile was his trademark.
He had forgotten its sincerity…
"Kore." He tapped her shoulder as she turned around to receive the package. The blood splattered itself onto the whiteness of the package like paint on a canvas when it was carelessly thrown onto it.
Her eyes closed as she smiled excitedly at him, though she was trying to be calm about the whole thing.
She always enjoyed his presents. He always seemed to know what to give her without even saying anything.
Through the tissue, she pulled the kimono in between her fingertips and stroked it tenderly. Embracing the kimono, she shook her head. "Thank you."
"I didn't know if you would like it," he said as he looked away with an embarrassed expression. "And I tried my best to remember your measurements, so I don't know if it fits."
Setsuka held it out as a soft breeze blew. Proudly, she held it out to him and eyed the piece carefully. "Yes, it will fit, Seishirou-san."
It was an expression he had never seen her give before. He blinked his eyes to make sure it was true.
Could this unfeeling woman who never thought twice about killing her prey possibly be happy? He had never seen her with a smile that wide and her eyes shining as they had been at that single moment.
It made him think.
At that single moment, he wondered about the woman he had always called 'Mother'.
Without discretion, she took off the kimono she was wearing. And he finally was able to see his mother's naked body in the daylight. She was an angel.
But the way her soul enraptured everyone with a blink of her eye, she was the devil he dare not anger.
She immediately wrapped herself in the kimono he had given her and he continued to stare at her without flinching or blinking. She tied her obi around her small waist and smiled at him while nodding her head.
"How could this child ever be my mother," he thought at that moment.
And from then on, she kept that kimono in good condition. And being possessive as she always was over Seishirou, she never wanted to change into another kimono. She washed it lovingly in her hands and refused to even touch the other ones she had.
Why? It had Seishirou's scent.
He had hugged it before he wrapped it and brought it home.
Deep inside of her, she wanted to be selfish.
She wanted to be the one her son thought of even if she died. But she knew that could never be.
"I can never become the camellia…" her soft voice trailed off when she thought he couldn't hear her.
But nothing could have ever prepared him for the beauty that had awaited him. As he slashed his hand through her chest a year later, she held his cheek.
"The one you love the best isn't me…" she softly said.
He shook his head to protest against her words and told her so.
"I had thought that once," she said as she smiled at him. "Until I met you…"
He kissed his mother as he wrapped his arms around her lovingly. Seishirou looked around himself and thought about the scene as if it were a painting. The hair scattered about with her blood brushing itself in strokes upon the snow…
--
At that moment, the man under the moon's blaming gaze upon him, smiled as he held the bloodstained kimono in front of him.
A note fell out of some pocket and he picked it up while draping the kimono over his left arm.
With teardrops mixed with blood spots, the note read elegantly,
"I am the Sakura. I can never become the camellia for you, Seishirou-san."
He shook his head as he smiled to himself. "That's right."
The man purposely dropped the note as he took the kimono in both of his hands and held it out before him as his mother did years ago.
He remembered a verse to a song that strangely reminded him of her possessiveness over him and how she made sure he belonged to her:
"…when you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave.
But you gave away the things you loved,
And one of them was me…"
Then…
He dropped the kimono gracefully to the ground.
--
Author's note: This was super hard to make. @_@ Because I don't have my cd file of Seishirou, I couldn't even refer to the creepy voice of his mother.
I tried to listen to music that would fit her. But Seishirou's mother is a very unique character that I get freaked out whenever I just think of her. If you heard her voice, you'd understand what I mean.
But I wanted her to be very possessive, yet arrogant at the same time. She was silent, yet scary at the same time with her femininity.
Sorry about all the songs in the fics, but I really like music. I'll try to be better about it in the other fanfics.
Deep Inside Of You
By Miyamoto Yui
"…"
There was nothing he could say as the silence around him comforted his whole being.
As he stood in the middle of his bedroom, there was no sincere reaction on his part.
But whatever he held in his hands, it just gave him an automatic response. He looked at it with a smile that seemed never-ending. And all he could do was stare at the hated, yet loved thing within his hands.
Almost on instinct, he both wanted to embrace it, and yet he had wanted to burn it.
As the moonlight shone in his room, he stared out of the glass window with the wooden floor creaking under his feet. Pacing from one side to the other slowly, he finally stopped to stare at the window.
Then, he looked at what he held in his hands.
"It's still the same as it was then…" He began to laugh to himself in frustration and pleasure. Shaking his head from side to side both in truth and in between lies, he finished, "I only smile when I lie."
Then, he bent his head as he embraced the kimono until everything came back to him vividly as best as it could ever have been revived.
It was the sweetest scent he had ever known:
Sakura mixed with blood.
Chapter 18 – Tsubaki ni naranai… (I cannot become the camellia…)
"Tadaima," the boy had greeted as soon as he closed the door behind him. But, he tried his best to be suave and hide the package behind him. So, he immediately hid it behind the couch as his mother turned to smile at him.
With her folded hands covered with blood, she nodded her head peacefully as she greeted back, "Okaeri. Seishirou-san."
He went towards her as her hands dripped softly onto the ground as if watering them with her cut flesh. Only, it was by another's blood.
How quaint.
He smiled back her. It was the kind of smile he had learned from her: the one that held secrets as if they were never there.
This smile that would learn to deceive even the ones you loved with all of your heart.
"Do you know what day it is today, Mother?" he asked as he walked towards this woman who had been enclosed within her own walls and crept away at night like that a vampire searching for willing victims.
She smirked at him and shook her head with her eyes half-closed. Playfully, she took her bloodied index finger and touched his chin gently. "What day is today?"
From behind, he pulled out a tsubaki.
He almost wanted to laugh and so he couldn't help but comment, "You like this flower better than the sakura?"
As she took the stem into her fingers and took the flower from him, she nodded as she turned around. Looking at the sakura petals falling like red raindrops, she took a sniff of the camellia tenderly. Like a teenager, she giggled childishly.
"I like it because it is truly red. The sakura can never be red no matter how much you stain them."
She turned around as her eyes faced the ground. "No matter what you do, you can't become something you're not."
Her eyes squinted a bit as he focused on her red lips. "No matter what I do, these sakura will never become as wonderful as this flower."
Setsuka then smiled as she looked at Seishirou and tilted her head. "People praise the sakura too much."
"But you _are_ the sakura," Seishirou answered while holding his gaze at his mother.
"So I am…" She then laughed as she turned around in her kimono. "So, I must hate myself, don't I Seishirou-san?"
Her laughter entangled itself in the wind as it passed by suddenly. Setsuka's dark velvet hair waved in the wind as Seishirou watched her with no intention of moving from his place. He had always loved beautiful things anyway.
He thought his mother was truly beautiful.
One of the most beautiful things he had ever seen in his life…
"Today is Mother's Day," he finally said.
She nodded her head. "That's nice."
But did Seishirou really know what a mother was? He never really bothered himself with these minor details. He didn't like troubling himself with things such as this.
They were so trivial…
…so useless.
"And I have a present for you," he announced as he watched his mother.
She nodded her head as she turned around. "Okay, I'll wait until you get it."
He walked slowly to the couch and got the white package. In between his hands, he felt like his hands were bleeding.
It somehow bothered him, but he kept that certain smile on his face.
It was the most natural reaction he could ever give. That damn smile was his trademark.
He had forgotten its sincerity…
"Kore." He tapped her shoulder as she turned around to receive the package. The blood splattered itself onto the whiteness of the package like paint on a canvas when it was carelessly thrown onto it.
Her eyes closed as she smiled excitedly at him, though she was trying to be calm about the whole thing.
She always enjoyed his presents. He always seemed to know what to give her without even saying anything.
Through the tissue, she pulled the kimono in between her fingertips and stroked it tenderly. Embracing the kimono, she shook her head. "Thank you."
"I didn't know if you would like it," he said as he looked away with an embarrassed expression. "And I tried my best to remember your measurements, so I don't know if it fits."
Setsuka held it out as a soft breeze blew. Proudly, she held it out to him and eyed the piece carefully. "Yes, it will fit, Seishirou-san."
It was an expression he had never seen her give before. He blinked his eyes to make sure it was true.
Could this unfeeling woman who never thought twice about killing her prey possibly be happy? He had never seen her with a smile that wide and her eyes shining as they had been at that single moment.
It made him think.
At that single moment, he wondered about the woman he had always called 'Mother'.
Without discretion, she took off the kimono she was wearing. And he finally was able to see his mother's naked body in the daylight. She was an angel.
But the way her soul enraptured everyone with a blink of her eye, she was the devil he dare not anger.
She immediately wrapped herself in the kimono he had given her and he continued to stare at her without flinching or blinking. She tied her obi around her small waist and smiled at him while nodding her head.
"How could this child ever be my mother," he thought at that moment.
And from then on, she kept that kimono in good condition. And being possessive as she always was over Seishirou, she never wanted to change into another kimono. She washed it lovingly in her hands and refused to even touch the other ones she had.
Why? It had Seishirou's scent.
He had hugged it before he wrapped it and brought it home.
Deep inside of her, she wanted to be selfish.
She wanted to be the one her son thought of even if she died. But she knew that could never be.
"I can never become the camellia…" her soft voice trailed off when she thought he couldn't hear her.
But nothing could have ever prepared him for the beauty that had awaited him. As he slashed his hand through her chest a year later, she held his cheek.
"The one you love the best isn't me…" she softly said.
He shook his head to protest against her words and told her so.
"I had thought that once," she said as she smiled at him. "Until I met you…"
He kissed his mother as he wrapped his arms around her lovingly. Seishirou looked around himself and thought about the scene as if it were a painting. The hair scattered about with her blood brushing itself in strokes upon the snow…
--
At that moment, the man under the moon's blaming gaze upon him, smiled as he held the bloodstained kimono in front of him.
A note fell out of some pocket and he picked it up while draping the kimono over his left arm.
With teardrops mixed with blood spots, the note read elegantly,
"I am the Sakura. I can never become the camellia for you, Seishirou-san."
He shook his head as he smiled to himself. "That's right."
The man purposely dropped the note as he took the kimono in both of his hands and held it out before him as his mother did years ago.
He remembered a verse to a song that strangely reminded him of her possessiveness over him and how she made sure he belonged to her:
"…when you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave.
But you gave away the things you loved,
And one of them was me…"
Then…
He dropped the kimono gracefully to the ground.
--
Author's note: This was super hard to make. @_@ Because I don't have my cd file of Seishirou, I couldn't even refer to the creepy voice of his mother.
I tried to listen to music that would fit her. But Seishirou's mother is a very unique character that I get freaked out whenever I just think of her. If you heard her voice, you'd understand what I mean.
But I wanted her to be very possessive, yet arrogant at the same time. She was silent, yet scary at the same time with her femininity.
Sorry about all the songs in the fics, but I really like music. I'll try to be better about it in the other fanfics.