Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Studio Gainax animation, not me. Should they, or anyone affiliated with them, request it, I will remove all traces of this story from the web. Thank you.
To be Close
By Random1377
Misato Katsuragi sighed, cycling aimlessly through the channels on her television with a bored expression.
"Anything good on?"
She glanced up as Asuka Langley Souryu, the Second Child, came into the living room and flopped down on the couch next to her, her school uniform long since traded for some shorts and a tee shirt – almost identical, in fact, to the ones Misato wore.
"Not that I can find," Misato replied sourly. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"I'm a night owl," Asuka answered, shifting her weight on the couch a bit. "You know that. The hero's out, of course."
Misato sighed once more. 'The hero' was Shinji Ikari, the Third Child, and Misato was not surprised that he was asleep, considering that it was close to eleven o'clock. "I wish you wouldn't call him that," she mumbled, continuing to flip the channels.
"Well he IS," Asuka returned, "always saving the day."
Misato flushed slightly. "Yeah…" she murmured.
Shinji had not been able to save the day for Asuka in the last angel battle, and he had told her how Asuka had screamed, 'I hate you,' when he had tried to comfort her afterwards. I'd probably hate you too, Shinji, Misato thought sadly, if what happened to Asuka happened to me, and no one could save me? I'd probably hate everyone.
Asuka shifted again, edging a bit closer to the major. "I was thinking, though," she murmured softly.
"Yeah?" Misato asked absently.
Her breath caught as Asuka's hand lay on hers.
"I was thinking that we could do something," Asuka murmured, "Just you and me."
"I should be doing some work," Misato said awkwardly, "and I have to be up early."
"It would only be for a few minutes," Asuka pressed, running her hand over the back of Misato's knuckles.
"Shinji might wake up…" Misato pointed out uncertainly, alarmed by both the contact and the quiet tone of the girl's voice.
"Is that your only complaint, Misato?" Asuka asked softly.
The dark haired woman cleared her throat. "What, exactly, did you want?" she asked, avoiding eye contact.
The redhead tilted her head sideways until she was in Misato's line of sight, some of her red hair falling across her face as she replied, "To be close."
Misato met the girl's bright blue eyes as levelly as she could, hesitantly whispering, "How close?"
Asuka sat back up. "Well," she answered, her voice betraying no emotion, "I was thinking about this close."
Misato tensed as the girl turned her body, facing the major with a serious expression. Her tension grew as Asuka leaned closer to her, her slim arms circling her waist. "Asuka," she breathed, trying to pull back as the redhead's face drifted closer to hers, "not that close."
Asuka continued to come closer. "Don't misunderstand," she murmured, closing her eyes and shifting her approach.
Misato's muscles were all trembling, her instinct for flight sliding into overdrive as the Second Child's warm breath washed over her neck. "Asuka," she gasped, "don't do this to me."
"Don't misunderstand," Asuka repeated, slowly sliding over until she was in the older woman's lap, her knees situated on either side of Misato's hips.
"Asuka, please!"
Misato was on the verge of panic. All of her senses crying, 'retreat,' as the redhead settled even closer, her small bosom resting against Misato's as her arms moved up to wrap tightly around the older woman's shoulders. She fully expected to feel Asuka's lips pressing against her neck at any minute, and then what would she do? Push the girl away? Tell her that she did not see her that way? Or would she accept the advance, knowing how fragile the girl was? Would she compromise her morals – and her sexuality – to keep this broken little girl from self-destructing?
Oh God, her mind cried, if I don't push her away, how far will she take it? If I DO push her away, what will that do to her??
Neither woman spoke for a moment, the television filling the void with senseless, useless prattle. Unheeded, it continued to tell whoever would listen how very reasonable mortgage rates were, and how you – yes YOU – could lose over ten pounds a week with the new miracle diet pill.
"Don't tell Shinji," Asuka whispered suddenly, making Misato jump. "Ok?"
Still unsure about what the redhead wanted, the Operations Director replied, "Of course."
Silence returned, unbroken as Asuka raised one knee, letting the remote control slid under it, and awkwardly hit the power button. In the sudden, still darkness, Misato's breathing sounded labored and frightened. She could barely see the girl pressing herself into her chest by the meager light from outside, though she was rapidly becoming more aware of the way the redhead's body felt, and the way she smelled.
She's got her own perfume, Misato thought suddenly, smells like apples.
So keyed up was the major that she almost screamed when Asuka shifted once more, her small hands linking behind the older woman's back as a small gasp escaped her lips. "Misato…"
"What?" the purple-haired woman whispered, wishing her voice was not shaking.
"Will you hold me?"
Misato held her breath.
"Please?"
"Alright."
Hesitantly, Misato brought her arms around the redhead's slender body, holding her loosely.
"Tighter."
Misato flinched as if she had been struck, but complied with the girl's quiet request, tightening her hold.
"Just a little tighter?"
Fighting the urge to refuse, and possibly beg the girl to get off of her, Misato slid her arms all the way around the teen, holding her as tightly as she dared. "Is that enough?" she asked softly, wondering what request would come next.
"Yes."
Please don't kiss me, Misato thought desperately, please don't do that. Don't make me choose between hurting you and staying true to myself.
But Asuka did not move any further, or make any other overtures – sexual or otherwise. Indeed, if her breathing had been a touch more regular, Misato might have thought she had fallen to sleep. The redhead's breathing, however, was anything but even, and seemed to be growing more erratic with every passing minute spent in silence and darkness.
Misato blinked as she felt something warm touch her neck. "Are you crying, Asuka?" she asked wonderingly.
"No," Asuka whispered, "I don't cry. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never cry again… so no, I'm not crying."
Misato considered this for a moment, all of her thoughts of a desperate, lonely seduction being washed away by the rapidly growing dampness on her shoulder.
Silently, she reached up and rested one hand against the back of Asuka's head, settling the other around the girl's waist and craning her neck to try to see Asuka's face.
"Don't," Asuka said quickly trying to turn away from the major's probing eyes, but Misato held her gently in place with the hand on her head, studying her tear-streaked face.
Misato focused on the girl's trembling bottom lip. "Should I turn the TV back on?" she whispered softly.
Asuka's face crumpled, and a pathetic whimper slipped free of her lips.
She nodded, her body starting to shake.
Misato looked away, allowing the redhead to bury her face in her shoulder and reaching down to find the remote. She clicked the television, raising the volume two notches as the first, quiet sob escaped Asuka's chest. She let the remote fall to the couch, wrapping her arms tightly around the teenager as the dam within her broke and all of her pain and suffering tore its way free.
"I'm… not crying…" Asuka gasped, struggling to speak as she clutched the older woman's shirt. "I'm… not weak… I'm not a child… I don't… cry… I don't!"
Misato closed her eyes, gently stroking the girl's long, red hair as she whispered,
"I know."
For five, endless minutes, Misato held her girl while she cried. She could have pretended that Asuka was simply her charge, and that she had no more feeling for her than any of the other NERV employees, but the time for such pointless lies was past. It was time, she decided, to allow herself to feel – to stop hiding from these motherless children and show them that they meant everything to her.
Didn't they deserve that?
Finally, brutally, the redhead tore herself free, wiping her eyes angrily. "Let me go," she snapped, "I said I wanted to be close – not have you hold me like a baby!"
Misato released her, forcing her face to remain neutral. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Yeah," Asuka grumbled, getting quickly off the couch, "I'll just bet you are!! God, Misato, why do you have to always have to ruin things! You couldn't just let me be close without trying to make it sexual, or treating me like a child!"
Misato took stock of the situation. Asuka was so dangerously unstable, so volatile and angry, that nothing she said would be right. Let her have her anger, she thought sadly, I'm sure it's the only way she can reconcile her need to be held.
"I don't know what you mean," she murmured coolly, picking the remote up and changing the channel, "I'm just watching TV."
Asuka frowned, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.
"Did you want to join me?" Misato asked lightly, flipping through the channels. "I was thinking of ordering something to eat, too. I'm hungry."
The redhead looked uncertain for a minute, wetting her lips as she considered the offer. "Don't you have to go to work in the morning?" she asked slowly.
"I can go in late," Misato replied calmly, looking up to the girl's red-rimmed eyes. "So what's it gonna be? Watch some TV or go to bed?" She dropped the remote on the couch, reaching for the phone. "Tell me now and I'll order you something."
Asuka struggled to hold on to her anger, but found it difficult in the face of Misato's calm refusal to even mention her breakdown. "No curry," she said finally, sitting on the couch and folding her arms over her chest, "and find something better than this crap."
Misato nodded, dialing the number to her favorite takeout place and putting in an order for a large order of chicken lo-mein. When she was finished, she hung up the phone and picked the remote back up, surfing the channels until she came to something that neither of them found nauseating. Setting the remote in her lap, she reached over and put an arm around Asuka, pulling the girl closer to her side.
Asuka went rigid, her head snapping around and her breath becoming short… but Misato was still facing the television. She watched the older woman closely, waiting for some snide comment, or sexual innuendo. When none was forthcoming, she turned back to the program that was on, slowly relaxing.
When the delivery boy knocked on the door forty minutes later, the redhead was asleep with her head against the purple-haired woman's shoulder, and a small, peaceful smile on her face.
The End
Author's Notes: this was another one-day fic, started and finished in one day and not seen by any pre-reader's eyes.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com