Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own X. She is just in love with Subaru and Seishirou. The song 'shattered dreams' was by Johnny Hates Jazz.
It was so beautiful from where I was sitting.
On that tree branch, I watched him through the window of his room. He was changing out of a white-collar dress shirt and then he took off his black pants.
I didn't flinch an eye out of guilt or wonder, I just loved looking at him all the same. I had always wondered what had made me change my mind that day.
On the day I let him live, why had my heart been swayed so easily by this twisted gentleness? Killing him with gloves.
At that moment, the thirteen-year-old boy looked at his gloves. It was one of those nights I guess…
He began to cry silently to himself though he always smiled at his sister.
She never knew things that I would take without asking.
"You'll come back to me.
I know you will.
No matter how long it may be."
I whispered this through the illusion and into his ear so sweetly. I smirked as he looked towards my direction.
But I was no longer there for him to see me.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 25 – "You said…"
I earned that boy.
Dammit…I earned him…
I watched him at all parts of his life. Whether he was changing in the boys' locker room, being ridiculed for being so quiet, or being given a love letter from an admirer, I had watched him through it all.
And no one would ever take him away from me.
I didn't waste so much time with him to not have my fill or my way. Things never worked out that way. Everything was to always be to my advantage.
My skill, my power, my manipulations…these were trinkets passed through my mother.
She had been my worthy teacher.
But I learned many things she never used. I scared her sometimes with what I could do.
This word we called love,
It's a powerful human emotion.
A beast can use its instinct to make it ugly while deeming it beautiful.
I sucked on Subaru's sorrow in this manner.
It may have been part of the tradition, but in a way, I marked that boy out of my selfishness. Making him unable to leave for too long or for too far. I would always be close by watching him. His personal voyeur.
I wanted to know what he saw. I wanted to see why he thought helpless humans were special because of their feelings while I thought they were just helpless. Wanting more, but that irrepressible characteristic of never getting enough always took over. Destroying themselves with a smile as long as it satisfied their own pleasures.
This city…
Tokyo Babylon indeed.
And even after the death of his sister, he somehow knew though he couldn't see me. He could feel my eyes burning his skin wanting to find answers and raising more questions at the same time.
I watched him eagerly.
I watched him nonchalantly.
It drove him mad.
He let me watch him.
And somehow, he liked it.
The victim had somehow become a part of the hunter.
As was my habit, after our 'meeting' of nine years delayed (well in his mind), he knew he could never surpass me. For with every year that passed, we both got stronger.
But in different areas.
And we became more indifferent.
I used this fact as a shield to hold me against his curses and his most adorable ways. Knowing full well who had won the match all these years, it was only a matter of time until his stupidity for certain things would cease to make me laugh.
Somehow, I found myself concerned…
…when he learned not to care about me.
In between this 'end of the world' saga, after his eye had been taken away, he no longer showed that he needed me. Gradually, he was learning to push me away.
I was a bit jealous and greatly angered by the Dark Kamui…only I had possession of my Subaru.
But I had also wondered why. What else could have dissuaded him? I could only come up with two things: Kamui or his own will.
So, a few days ago, on one of his recent shigotos, I followed him.
In the middle of the night, I came to his room through the balcony. The same one where I had come before 'the incident' with his eye.
Getting up abruptly from his bed, he held an ofuda out to me.
"Is this how you greet your 'special friend'?" I smirked as I walked in casually. "Wasn't it you who said 'Give Seishirou back to me' not too long ago?"
He tilted his head forward to avoid my gaze and a hint of a melancholic smile came upon his face. "I finally figured out that my Seishirou was already dead."
Letting go of the ofuda, he let it fall to the floor as he turned to me. "I only see his shadow now."
The smirk on my face changed to thin lips. Then, I eyed him with a seductive grin on my face. "How did you figure he was gone?"
"The day I let my dream die in my heart." He blinked his eyes beautifully. And I saw the emeralds shine as his lips said, "I didn't fight for my dream anymore. I finally accepted defeat."
"You didn't have to change your dream. Or your wish," I answered as I sat on the end of the bed.
He shook his head thoughtfully. The hint of the little boy with his wide eyes was finally gone from this man.
Was I dying inside of him…?
I gave you the illusion of love. I gave you the reality of betrayal.
Had I made no mark on you Sumeragi Subaru?
"I wanted to take care of animals." Subaru looked at me. "But if I couldn't even take care of my sister, then there's no point."
"Seishirou and Hokuto were a part of my dream." He sighed as he folded his gloved hands. "I didn't like Tokyo with its shrine destroying devices. I didn't like all the pain that I saw. I didn't like seeing inflictions that I couldn't understand. But it was because of those two. They were the ones that made Tokyo, Tokyo to me."
I only listened to him without anything to say. I couldn't even move.
I couldn't feel what he was saying to me.
I was always lifeless in that way.
Smiling…
The way he was when he was 16 years old…
I was taken aback.
Suddenly, his stare turned deadly as the day he had pointed at Kumiko the fake savior and said, "YOU CAN'T SAVE ANYONE!"
I was looking at him as a reflection of myself and what I had done to him. He finally told me, "Now go away, Sakurazukamori."
He couldn't even say my name.
I choked a bit with my pride hurt a little. But I kept my cool.
I was glad I was the way I was in times such as these.
I nodded with a smirk.
"Okay, today, you win," I said mockingly in a joke as I got up.
I stood with my back to him. "But remember this Subaru, I'll always remember what your sister told me. That if you ever found the person you loved, and if that person betrayed you, it would shatter you to pieces."
I turned around to face him as he watched me back. "Because you would love so purely."
"I couldn't tell her though," I continued. "That _that_ was my intention."
Subaru looked at me in confusion.
But I was trying not to manipulate him. I was actually telling him the rare truths that never came out like they were supposed to. If at all.
"You were of the Sumeragi. And I had to kill you completely to keep you from rising like that woman and her followers." I held my eyes on him. "That's the logical reason and I know you've figured that out. But have you figured out the other one?"
"No," he honestly answered.
I seriously said, "I cannot share you"
Then, I turned around to leave.
But when I did so, he grabbed my hand and I let myself sit with my back towards him. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
I wanted him to remember me. And with all that I had done, he was starting to forget.
I had to hurt him to make him remember.
Yes, this is a sick cycle of sorrow.
Leaning his mouth near my ear, he began to whisper, "My sister said that if I sang, Sei-chan would do anything I asked."
I sat frozen as I looked to one side without a verbal response.
"That offer has to be upheld." Then, he continued as his breath warmed my ear, "Seishirou-san said he had loved me. 'Good job', he had said while holding me like this."
It scared me a bit. To find how much of a good teacher I had been to him…
Almost surpassing me…
It was then that Subaru began to sing. The boy who never wanted to sing in the karaoke bar was singing to me as he pulled me closer.
"So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side."
He pulled me to face him as he began to push off my coat. While undoing my tie, jacket and shirt, he sang,
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart."
Kissing me on the lips, he continued,
"You said you'd die for me."
Pushing me onto the bed, he placed his knees on each side of my hip. Looking down at me, he closed his eyes as he began to kiss my cheek and then my neck.
All I could do was watch him looking at me.
We had traded places…
The hunter had now become the hunted.
"Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong."
I looked away, but then, he placed his hands on my face and kissed me again. "Give me another dream for just one more night, Seishirou-san."
At that moment, I took a hold of his waist and traded positions. As I pulled on his jean zipper and began to caress him, he continued to sing.
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart."
Kissing his neck, he lifted his chin as he breathlessly whispered melodically,
"I thought it was you
Who said they'd die for love."
I shook my head as I buried my face onto his shoulder blades and then down to his waist.
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart, oh no no no."
Then, he pulled my face with both of his hands between them. As he looked at me, he began to cry as he touched the eye I had lost on his behalf.
His mark on me,
Like the one I left on his hands.
"You said you'd die for me
Oh, oh, die for me
So much for your promises
So much for your promises."
And yet again, I was caught in a web…
Now, I was telling him that this was to happen because of his sister's curse. That he could never go beyond me.
I couldn't let him. For if had, I would lose him forever.
His hand pierced inside of me and I felt my blood flow. I felt more alive than I had ever been even if I was physically dying.
Holding onto him, with my last breath, I thought of him singing to me. And so, I said, "Kimi wa…boku wo…"
Looking into those green eyes for one last time with confusion…
Figure it out you stupid boy…
I smiled as I said my last line.
I didn't tell him "I love you."
'Til the end, I wouldn't tell him.
Until my last moment, I had to have the last word.
I didn't finish my previous sentence. I whispered to his ear, "Uso da."
Yes, it was all a lie.
I could never admit it to you…
Couldn't you ever see it, Subaru?
Are you so blind to never know how much I loved you?
Maybe…someday…
You will understand
With my wish.
I blinked my eyes and fell onto his shoulder.
Hold me until I die, Subaru.
Did I never tell you the story that I wanted to die in the arms of whom I loved?
With his song ringing in my ears, I truly smiled.
It mixed with his cries as I felt his arms on my body.
Yes, Subaru.
I'd die for you.
--
Author's note: Finally I got to do this chapter that's been in my head for a month. * cries * * sniff, sniff * I cry everytime I think of him dying. Oh wonderful Seishirou…
I had to put him again because he and Subaru had changed so drastically since the beginning…
I love this chapter…
And I had to find a way back to Kamui. ^^v
(I think I made a mistake with the last chapter's number. Gomen! But my luck! Once again, I have Seishirou on a chapter 25!) ^_^v
It was so beautiful from where I was sitting.
On that tree branch, I watched him through the window of his room. He was changing out of a white-collar dress shirt and then he took off his black pants.
I didn't flinch an eye out of guilt or wonder, I just loved looking at him all the same. I had always wondered what had made me change my mind that day.
On the day I let him live, why had my heart been swayed so easily by this twisted gentleness? Killing him with gloves.
At that moment, the thirteen-year-old boy looked at his gloves. It was one of those nights I guess…
He began to cry silently to himself though he always smiled at his sister.
She never knew things that I would take without asking.
"You'll come back to me.
I know you will.
No matter how long it may be."
I whispered this through the illusion and into his ear so sweetly. I smirked as he looked towards my direction.
But I was no longer there for him to see me.
Deep Inside of You
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 25 – "You said…"
I earned that boy.
Dammit…I earned him…
I watched him at all parts of his life. Whether he was changing in the boys' locker room, being ridiculed for being so quiet, or being given a love letter from an admirer, I had watched him through it all.
And no one would ever take him away from me.
I didn't waste so much time with him to not have my fill or my way. Things never worked out that way. Everything was to always be to my advantage.
My skill, my power, my manipulations…these were trinkets passed through my mother.
She had been my worthy teacher.
But I learned many things she never used. I scared her sometimes with what I could do.
This word we called love,
It's a powerful human emotion.
A beast can use its instinct to make it ugly while deeming it beautiful.
I sucked on Subaru's sorrow in this manner.
It may have been part of the tradition, but in a way, I marked that boy out of my selfishness. Making him unable to leave for too long or for too far. I would always be close by watching him. His personal voyeur.
I wanted to know what he saw. I wanted to see why he thought helpless humans were special because of their feelings while I thought they were just helpless. Wanting more, but that irrepressible characteristic of never getting enough always took over. Destroying themselves with a smile as long as it satisfied their own pleasures.
This city…
Tokyo Babylon indeed.
And even after the death of his sister, he somehow knew though he couldn't see me. He could feel my eyes burning his skin wanting to find answers and raising more questions at the same time.
I watched him eagerly.
I watched him nonchalantly.
It drove him mad.
He let me watch him.
And somehow, he liked it.
The victim had somehow become a part of the hunter.
As was my habit, after our 'meeting' of nine years delayed (well in his mind), he knew he could never surpass me. For with every year that passed, we both got stronger.
But in different areas.
And we became more indifferent.
I used this fact as a shield to hold me against his curses and his most adorable ways. Knowing full well who had won the match all these years, it was only a matter of time until his stupidity for certain things would cease to make me laugh.
Somehow, I found myself concerned…
…when he learned not to care about me.
In between this 'end of the world' saga, after his eye had been taken away, he no longer showed that he needed me. Gradually, he was learning to push me away.
I was a bit jealous and greatly angered by the Dark Kamui…only I had possession of my Subaru.
But I had also wondered why. What else could have dissuaded him? I could only come up with two things: Kamui or his own will.
So, a few days ago, on one of his recent shigotos, I followed him.
In the middle of the night, I came to his room through the balcony. The same one where I had come before 'the incident' with his eye.
Getting up abruptly from his bed, he held an ofuda out to me.
"Is this how you greet your 'special friend'?" I smirked as I walked in casually. "Wasn't it you who said 'Give Seishirou back to me' not too long ago?"
He tilted his head forward to avoid my gaze and a hint of a melancholic smile came upon his face. "I finally figured out that my Seishirou was already dead."
Letting go of the ofuda, he let it fall to the floor as he turned to me. "I only see his shadow now."
The smirk on my face changed to thin lips. Then, I eyed him with a seductive grin on my face. "How did you figure he was gone?"
"The day I let my dream die in my heart." He blinked his eyes beautifully. And I saw the emeralds shine as his lips said, "I didn't fight for my dream anymore. I finally accepted defeat."
"You didn't have to change your dream. Or your wish," I answered as I sat on the end of the bed.
He shook his head thoughtfully. The hint of the little boy with his wide eyes was finally gone from this man.
Was I dying inside of him…?
I gave you the illusion of love. I gave you the reality of betrayal.
Had I made no mark on you Sumeragi Subaru?
"I wanted to take care of animals." Subaru looked at me. "But if I couldn't even take care of my sister, then there's no point."
"Seishirou and Hokuto were a part of my dream." He sighed as he folded his gloved hands. "I didn't like Tokyo with its shrine destroying devices. I didn't like all the pain that I saw. I didn't like seeing inflictions that I couldn't understand. But it was because of those two. They were the ones that made Tokyo, Tokyo to me."
I only listened to him without anything to say. I couldn't even move.
I couldn't feel what he was saying to me.
I was always lifeless in that way.
Smiling…
The way he was when he was 16 years old…
I was taken aback.
Suddenly, his stare turned deadly as the day he had pointed at Kumiko the fake savior and said, "YOU CAN'T SAVE ANYONE!"
I was looking at him as a reflection of myself and what I had done to him. He finally told me, "Now go away, Sakurazukamori."
He couldn't even say my name.
I choked a bit with my pride hurt a little. But I kept my cool.
I was glad I was the way I was in times such as these.
I nodded with a smirk.
"Okay, today, you win," I said mockingly in a joke as I got up.
I stood with my back to him. "But remember this Subaru, I'll always remember what your sister told me. That if you ever found the person you loved, and if that person betrayed you, it would shatter you to pieces."
I turned around to face him as he watched me back. "Because you would love so purely."
"I couldn't tell her though," I continued. "That _that_ was my intention."
Subaru looked at me in confusion.
But I was trying not to manipulate him. I was actually telling him the rare truths that never came out like they were supposed to. If at all.
"You were of the Sumeragi. And I had to kill you completely to keep you from rising like that woman and her followers." I held my eyes on him. "That's the logical reason and I know you've figured that out. But have you figured out the other one?"
"No," he honestly answered.
I seriously said, "I cannot share you"
Then, I turned around to leave.
But when I did so, he grabbed my hand and I let myself sit with my back towards him. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
I wanted him to remember me. And with all that I had done, he was starting to forget.
I had to hurt him to make him remember.
Yes, this is a sick cycle of sorrow.
Leaning his mouth near my ear, he began to whisper, "My sister said that if I sang, Sei-chan would do anything I asked."
I sat frozen as I looked to one side without a verbal response.
"That offer has to be upheld." Then, he continued as his breath warmed my ear, "Seishirou-san said he had loved me. 'Good job', he had said while holding me like this."
It scared me a bit. To find how much of a good teacher I had been to him…
Almost surpassing me…
It was then that Subaru began to sing. The boy who never wanted to sing in the karaoke bar was singing to me as he pulled me closer.
"So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side."
He pulled me to face him as he began to push off my coat. While undoing my tie, jacket and shirt, he sang,
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart."
Kissing me on the lips, he continued,
"You said you'd die for me."
Pushing me onto the bed, he placed his knees on each side of my hip. Looking down at me, he closed his eyes as he began to kiss my cheek and then my neck.
All I could do was watch him looking at me.
We had traded places…
The hunter had now become the hunted.
"Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong."
I looked away, but then, he placed his hands on my face and kissed me again. "Give me another dream for just one more night, Seishirou-san."
At that moment, I took a hold of his waist and traded positions. As I pulled on his jean zipper and began to caress him, he continued to sing.
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart."
Kissing his neck, he lifted his chin as he breathlessly whispered melodically,
"I thought it was you
Who said they'd die for love."
I shook my head as I buried my face onto his shoulder blades and then down to his waist.
"And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart, oh no no no."
Then, he pulled my face with both of his hands between them. As he looked at me, he began to cry as he touched the eye I had lost on his behalf.
His mark on me,
Like the one I left on his hands.
"You said you'd die for me
Oh, oh, die for me
So much for your promises
So much for your promises."
And yet again, I was caught in a web…
Now, I was telling him that this was to happen because of his sister's curse. That he could never go beyond me.
I couldn't let him. For if had, I would lose him forever.
His hand pierced inside of me and I felt my blood flow. I felt more alive than I had ever been even if I was physically dying.
Holding onto him, with my last breath, I thought of him singing to me. And so, I said, "Kimi wa…boku wo…"
Looking into those green eyes for one last time with confusion…
Figure it out you stupid boy…
I smiled as I said my last line.
I didn't tell him "I love you."
'Til the end, I wouldn't tell him.
Until my last moment, I had to have the last word.
I didn't finish my previous sentence. I whispered to his ear, "Uso da."
Yes, it was all a lie.
I could never admit it to you…
Couldn't you ever see it, Subaru?
Are you so blind to never know how much I loved you?
Maybe…someday…
You will understand
With my wish.
I blinked my eyes and fell onto his shoulder.
Hold me until I die, Subaru.
Did I never tell you the story that I wanted to die in the arms of whom I loved?
With his song ringing in my ears, I truly smiled.
It mixed with his cries as I felt his arms on my body.
Yes, Subaru.
I'd die for you.
--
Author's note: Finally I got to do this chapter that's been in my head for a month. * cries * * sniff, sniff * I cry everytime I think of him dying. Oh wonderful Seishirou…
I had to put him again because he and Subaru had changed so drastically since the beginning…
I love this chapter…
And I had to find a way back to Kamui. ^^v
(I think I made a mistake with the last chapter's number. Gomen! But my luck! Once again, I have Seishirou on a chapter 25!) ^_^v