Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own X or Tokyo Babylon.
Deep Inside of You
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 26 – All or nothing.
"Yes, Subaru. I'd die for you," I thought I heard You say to me.
What? Had I heard correctly? Was it all true or had I been imagining it all along?
I wasn't sure though.
I couldn't understand anything at all.
All I knew was that I was still breathing and that you were gone with your sigh and my tears on you.
As fate would have it, I wouldn't have time to even think about my next move. I couldn't even hold him because the bridge was starting to collapse.
And like most that grieve, I didn't have too much time; I wanted it longer.
But how could he say that to me?
Even until the end, he would be torn by force from me.
Nothing was coming in. Nothing was leaving.
Now, all I could do was touch Kamui as he looked at me so longingly.
I just kept on sitting on the chair for god knows how long as Kamui was talking to me. I was trying to tell him that it didn't matter what someone did. There would _never_ be a way in which everyone would be happy. For if that were the case, then no human would falter in their own right.
There would be no selfishness.
Humans would be perfect in every respect.
Because we are not, we crush another person's hope. That's what that dead woman in the Tokyo Tower had told Seishirou-san and me.
People cause trouble for other people. Yet, they do not know that they themselves bring upon their own destruction.
As for myself, I had chosen my path as such.
"Your eyes are red, Kamui," I told him so that he would go rest.
And he had sadly listened to me.
I sat in the chair listless. Once again, I had become the doll I wanted to forget.
In all my frustration, I finally got up.
Opening the window before me, the wind blew and I could smell you in the air. You were still with me.
I glanced at the bloodied trenchcoat and I closed my eyes.
In a second, I opened them wide again as I felt your mark fading. Kissing it, I sighed as I stared at the scene before me.
"Until the end," I mumbled, "you made me think, Seishirou."
Was that something to be justified, Seishirou? How could my thoughts ever reach you if you had to tell me something to throw me off? When you fulfilled our bet many years ago, I thought that _that_ was it for you.
You had accomplished being the perfect, cold assassin.
You had obstructed my path as the Sumeragi clan's heir. Just as you had planned.
But…
I was no challenge to you, Seishirou.
Why would you fear me? Why would you fear someone that had no advantage over you whatsoever? That chance that maybe I could, you took it away. Not only that, you mashed it to the ground making sure it was never to be retrieved again under any type of light.
It keeps on repeating in my mind.
Your voice.
"Yes, Subaru. I'd die for you."
Except, I couldn't tell. Your cold lips had stopped moving. For a brief moment, I had touched them to make sure.
Holding onto the curtain, I let go and jumped out of the window. Looking back, I had imagined Kamui's face staring back at me with much disappointment.
Shaking my head, my grief was finding its way to my dry throat. I kept on swallowing my tears with none coming from my eyes. Reaching for nothing, I searched and searched for a remnant of you.
My feet had led me back to your garden.
Closing my eyes again, I pretended you were there. With your arms around my shoulders, I could feel you whispering to my ear.
The cold wind blew and I knew I was alone all over again.
I remembered at that moment when you closed your eyes, my tears fell onto your body. I held you not really knowing what to do.
Wrapping my arms harder and harder around you, I couldn't tell you how much you had hurt me.
I stepped closer towards the cherry-blossom tree like a moth to a flame knowing it would be burned so easily.
As I was about to touch one of the cherry-blossom's branches, the Dark Kamui interrupted me.
I listened to him and I felt my years rush back to me in a glance. That's what happens when you're dying, I heard. That's the superstition.
He gave me…
Your eye.
With this you accept the responsibilities that come along with it?
The Dark Kamui smirked at me and I nodded. When he turned around, I held the vial so lovingly.
Not knowing whether to hide my shame and become joyous that for once…
You told me something truthfully.
Even if I'm an object of possession…
How pathetic that I loved being yours.
For it was your selfishness that made you human to me. Your possessiveness made me fall in love with you.
You were hurt by another person…
Yes, someone besides you, Seishirou.
Holding it so close, I felt like I was holding you again before you died.
I had loved you as much as my sister predicted.
As I had feared.
As you had anticipated.
Opening my eyes, I held the vial in my hands carefully as I tried to find your apartment. Through the open balcony, as you had done many days before, I barged into your room.
Putting the vial on the bed, I went through your closet. Pulling the trenchcoat I had given you many years ago for your birthday, I hugged it. Smelling it, I tried to absorb you all over again.
Looking at a mirror, I had imagined you still smiling at me when you wore it for me.
It was the day that you said we should have a date.
As usual, I blushed and said I couldn't make it. Instead, I invited you to come over to my apartment…
As soon as he had come through the threshold, I smiled and said, "Omedetto!"
"It's not my birthday," Seishirou said with confusion on his face he smiled in amusement.
"Well, that's true." I blushed as I fidgeted in the hallway. "But since it already passed, I thought I'd at least celebrate it."
"Why?" He stood before me.
"Because Seishirou-san deserves my thanks." I smiled gratefully.
"If you're talking about-"
I nodded and interrupted, "Yes, but it's for everything."
He smirked and I blushed even more.
"Okay, so where's my present?" He leaned his hand on the wall on one side of my head.
I gulped. "Y-yes."
Taking up my chin, he winked. "So where is it? Or shall I take it by force?"
I turned even more red at the moment as my heart pounded in my chest.
"It's in the bedroom," I said.
With his mischievous smirk, I knew I had given him the wrong type of answer.
"Oh, really?"
Then, as he closed his eyes to kiss me, he opened them again. "Jodan."
I let out a big sigh of relief. "Seishirou-san!"
He chuckled as he stood straight up and looked around. "I wonder why Hokuto-chan didn't come and interrupt me."
"Oh, she wouldn't…" I mumbled a bit annoyed.
"Excuse me?" Seishirou asked.
"I said she's out on a date. And this was my idea." I laughed sheepishly as I took a hold of his sleeve.
"Oh, an aggressive Subaru-kun!" He enthusiastically followed me.
"Excuse me?" I questioned confusedly.
"Nothing." He patted my hat.
When we had gotten to my room, I smiled and opened the door. "I got this for you."
Seishirou looked at the twin set of black trenchcoats before him as he walked into my room. "Why did you get two of them?"
"I didn't know which one would look better. I liked this one."
(I cried at the moment while looking at the mirror. It was the one he had died in.)
I continued, "But this was the one Hokuto-chan picked out for you. So, I bought both."
Seishirou looked at me and smiled sincerely. "Thank you, Subaru-kun."
As I was going to take them from my bed, I didn't notice that Seishirou had closed the door behind him. Bending over to pick up the two coats, he grabbed my waist. Whispering into my ear, he told me, "You're too kind, Subaru."
I held onto the sleeve of the coat I liked. But then, his fingers ran down my arm as he made me let it go. Turning me around, I was being slowly pushed onto my bed with the two coats below me.
"Seishirou…san?" I looked up at him as he looked at down at me with a melancholic smile.
We just kept on looking at one another intensely.
In all honesty, I grabbed his face. Without shame, I pulled his face close to mine.
Then, I asked, "Do you love me, Seishirou-san? Do you love me as you say you do?"
At that moment, he began kissing me…
It was funny though.
I didn't feel he had to answer me.
I was so sure of you then, Seishirou.
To keep things quiet, I grabbed onto his body. The harder he pushed onto mine, the harder we would kiss.
His hands held me as I accidentally bit his lips out of pain.
They started to bleed and I licked them.
At that moment, when my green eyes gazed into his amber ones, Hokuto-chan came home.
We scrambled to put our clothes on as we positioned the coats into the exact same way I had arranged them earlier on my bed.
When Hokuto-chan came in and found nothing, I felt guilty.
Yet again, I was holding something from her.
When Seishirou left that day, I waved goodbye.
"Do you love me, Subaru?" he whispered into my ear while holding my hand.
For a moment, he held my hand longer than I had expected.
"Of course," I had wanted to say.
But before I could, he titled his head, let of my hand, and walked out without looking back. Afraid of the answer I'd give.
This time, I was the one that was afraid. As I dropped the coat onto the bed, I slowly took up the vial. Opening it, I would join what shouldn't have ever been together in the first place…
Many days later, Dark Kamui came to me. The one who had been once called Fuuma, the friend of Kamui.
Smoking my cigarette, he told me someone called Nataku died.
After that, I nonchalantly asked about Kamui. He looked back curiously at why would I ask for such information, but he answered anyway.
Then, he left.
Getting up, I took my cigarette out of my mouth and smashed it into the ground with my boot.
Jumping down, I found a little pond forming at some alleyway. It reflected me back as I looked down at it.
My eyes: one green and one amber.
My coat: the one Hokuto-chan had chosen.
Shaking my head, I was proud and disappointed at what I had become.
My dreams of leaving my job as the Sumeragi's heir were even more burdened. I had totally renounced my identity and merged with Seishirou's.
Days later, I had to go back. He would worry if I left for too long.
Kamui always worried about things like that.
As I was slipping through the shadows of the dark night, it had begun to start raining once more.
Everyone was either asleep or keeping watch around the city. Sorata-san was roaming around on some building while Yuzuriha slept in her bed.
I waited in the dark kitchen until Kamui would come.
I knew how he worked. When he got depressed, he would want to eat cookies or get a cup of water after dehydrating himself.
After a few minutes of sitting cross-legged at the counter, I smirked as I found Kamui standing quietly at the doorway.
Rubbing his eyes like a little kid, he gave me a closer look through the darkness.
I looked intently at Kamui.
The boy I had helped not too long ago. The boy I had said to go to school as I silently wrapped the tie around his neck while he looked up to me in wonder.
I had wondered what was so special about him. Not as a god, not as the savior, nor as the person who would decide the world's fate…
…but as a human.
I could tell that he was uneasy as he looked from side to side in uncertainty.
"Hello." I blinked my two mismatched eyes at him.
"Su…subaru-san?" he coughed out. "Is that really you?"
For me to be gone so long from him, had he already forgotten my face?
Did I surprise him that I started to look through Seishirou's clothes?
To breathe in his smell: the scent of sakura, blood, and his very essence.
I had known it all, Kamui.
I had wished that I had crushed him so easily as he had punished me for being so compassionate. My crime for enduring pain and mercy for others was rewarded.
With new pain to wash and never be replaced.
The show must begin…
I nodded. "Yes, it's me."
"Then tell me why do you have that man's eye?" He took a step back away from me.
"It was a present," I answered while still looking at him as I pushed myself from the counter.
Walking towards him, I chuckled softly. "Why are you scared of me?"
"You're not Subaru-san," Kamui countered sharply.
I stepped closely feeling myself wanting to fall at the same time. I reached out for his cheek.
Then, I grabbed his waist with my other hand. Whispering, I told him, "I thought you missed me."
Kamui trembled out of fear and apprehension. Not knowing what to do, he couldn't even scream.
Nor could he use his powers on me.
After all, I was the one who had found his human heart.
Pulling him, I slowly took him and sat him on the counter. Putting my hands on each side of his body while leaning on the counter, I looked at him. "You said you wanted me to stay with you, Kamui."
I leaned closer to him. "I came back to tell you 'yes'."
As I looked at Kamui, that's when I had fully understood you, Seishirou. As I touched the amber eye with my gloved hand, I felt myself become a little whole again.
Even if it was through this that we could be together, was it so disappointing to you Nee-san? I loved him to the core of my being that I had ingested the heartless soul that did not think twice of killing the Subaru Sumeragi everyone once knew?
Especially yours, Hokuto-chan. Especially yours.
Kamui watched me in shock and fear.
I could tell.
Yet, he was fascinated by the person who had transformed before him.
I took his hand and put it over my green eye.
Was this how you looked at me when I was that young?
It couldn't be, Seishirou. We were different. Kamui was a person who had gone through much since he was a child. His pain was the beginning of more being spilled before him.
I had brought upon my own after destruction as you had. We chose to hurt and be hurt.
He hadn't.
He was pushed to pick a side he believed in. Kamui had picked humans.
If it were the me of yesterday, I would have also.
I could not pick up the broken pieces of my heart as he had done. I was still living in a world where I was disillusioned. Why did I have to live outside a world that wasn't in my head?
Taking his hand down, we touched forehead to forehead.
"Kamui…close your eyes."
He shook his head.
Closing my eyes, I could feel myself already crying for the both of us.
"Don't you trust me?"
"I don't know anymore…" he replied shakily.
Then, I felt his face to make sure he was. My thumbs softly pressed onto his eyelids.
He closed them slowly.
He wasn't as innocent as me. I knew what he was thinking. We were different when we were both sixteen.
And now I finally saw why you loved me since I was little. How you loved to tease me and tell me that the cherry blossoms were red because someone had put them there.
You had helped them die, Seishirou.
Therefore, I am no better now.
I took on different jobs with the ones I had been doing all my life.
Now, I also watched people without feeling too much when I killed them with my own two hands. So, the woman I had killed along the way might as well have been my sister.
I took up what you had left behind because it meant that I could be a part of you.
Yes, this is sick.
Even after you died, you still wouldn't go away.
From my mind, from my hands, from my way of life, you still were there.
"Kamui…" I asked with my heart pounding deeply inside my chest, "…do you love me?"
Was it purity? Was it corruption? Was it love? Was it hate?
Tell me, Seishirou.
To be embraced so lovingly; to be shattered so thoroughly.
Being so close, I embraced him trying to feel his chest. Feeling if his heart had died like my own with all our inflictions.
I could feel his heart beating just as fast.
"Yes…" he answered quietly.
I had tears in my eyes, but that was for sleep.
I was always living in a dream,
A broken one that kept repeating.
I looked at Kamui as I held his face between my hands.
Lightning struck and I saw my reflection in his eyes.
So honest, so sincere.
I saw my eyes and I touched yours again thinking I'd have warmth when all I could think of was your body that died so coldly.
Even your breath was so cruel; leaving me no words.
Maybe you should have been quiet, but instead, you told me something.
"The lie." You said it was a lie.
What was a lie and what was truth?
That's what Kamui has to figure out.
But unlike you, Seishirou, I still knew the difference.
I will teach Kamui to live;
I will learn to finally let things die.
For I was not too stupid, Seishirou.
You may have denied that you loved me until the end. You may have killed my sister and wanted to stop the future heir of your enemy's clan.
You may have crushed the person who was once known as Sumeragi Subaru…
I still know the difference.
The lie is the truth. And the truth is the lie.
You taught me that while I loved you. You teach me that while I still love you.
Deep inside, I still cared for the Earth.
With my last ounce of hope, I was putting my feelings into Kamui.
That's why I had chosen his side of this game for the apocalypse.
Leaning forward, I kissed Kamui, and he kissed me back.
Kamui…
Will learn…
I unbuttoned his white pajama top while still kissing him.
Gradually, I undressed him wanting to taint him.
I will hurt him, as you had done with me.
It would be for his own good.
So that he'll have the strength to break another.
The other half of his unresolved self.
You'll see how much I learned from you.
Between crazy and sane, isn't that how I cared for you pounding on the emergency door? My gloved hands bleeding until I didn't know what pain was.
To have you look at me indifferently,
Now, nevermore?
Putting my hand softly on his back, I started to softly kiss his neck as he whispered, "Subaru, I love you."
I didn't answer him back as I entered his body without his soul's permission.
Marking him invisibly that I would follow him to hunt him until I died.
Watch me so closely.
You'll see everything with your own eye.
It isn't ever going to be the kind of pure love as I had given to you, Seishirou.
Don't worry about that.
Now, I truly understand you.
How you were intrigued by me: My innocence.
Why you did what you had to…
I will break him…
…because I learned to love him.
Since I wasn't able to fulfill my dreams years ago;
I want to save Kamui.
To make him not regret anything. That it wasn't wrong to love people and to hurt them because you cared so much.
Seishirou…
I couldn't tell you how much I wanted to still be with you, Seishirou…
To be killed by you. For you to pay attention to me again, even if you did hurt me.
I wanted you to look at me again.
To look my way again.
Even if you were lying, I wanted you to give me an illusion.
Who was the real Seishirou-san?
I'll never know what's the truth.
Now, you'll never know…
_That I didn't care for such things as that._
You were _you_.
And you couldn't ever understand that…
I'd always look for you. No matter who you are.
No matter who or what you were, Seishirou.
To live your life
To love someone,
It comes to one thing.
All
or
Nothing.
--
Author's note: One more chapter to go…
My poor baby Suby. I had wanted to get his feelings as becoming the Sakurazukamori and how he was gently becoming more quiet than he should be. But, I wanted to express that he loves Kamui, but it was a different kind of love than what he felt for Seishirou. More of an understanding as something more than friends and lovers, but not being together as an item. I hope it wasn't too confusing.
Deep Inside of You
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 26 – All or nothing.
"Yes, Subaru. I'd die for you," I thought I heard You say to me.
What? Had I heard correctly? Was it all true or had I been imagining it all along?
I wasn't sure though.
I couldn't understand anything at all.
All I knew was that I was still breathing and that you were gone with your sigh and my tears on you.
As fate would have it, I wouldn't have time to even think about my next move. I couldn't even hold him because the bridge was starting to collapse.
And like most that grieve, I didn't have too much time; I wanted it longer.
But how could he say that to me?
Even until the end, he would be torn by force from me.
Nothing was coming in. Nothing was leaving.
Now, all I could do was touch Kamui as he looked at me so longingly.
I just kept on sitting on the chair for god knows how long as Kamui was talking to me. I was trying to tell him that it didn't matter what someone did. There would _never_ be a way in which everyone would be happy. For if that were the case, then no human would falter in their own right.
There would be no selfishness.
Humans would be perfect in every respect.
Because we are not, we crush another person's hope. That's what that dead woman in the Tokyo Tower had told Seishirou-san and me.
People cause trouble for other people. Yet, they do not know that they themselves bring upon their own destruction.
As for myself, I had chosen my path as such.
"Your eyes are red, Kamui," I told him so that he would go rest.
And he had sadly listened to me.
I sat in the chair listless. Once again, I had become the doll I wanted to forget.
In all my frustration, I finally got up.
Opening the window before me, the wind blew and I could smell you in the air. You were still with me.
I glanced at the bloodied trenchcoat and I closed my eyes.
In a second, I opened them wide again as I felt your mark fading. Kissing it, I sighed as I stared at the scene before me.
"Until the end," I mumbled, "you made me think, Seishirou."
Was that something to be justified, Seishirou? How could my thoughts ever reach you if you had to tell me something to throw me off? When you fulfilled our bet many years ago, I thought that _that_ was it for you.
You had accomplished being the perfect, cold assassin.
You had obstructed my path as the Sumeragi clan's heir. Just as you had planned.
But…
I was no challenge to you, Seishirou.
Why would you fear me? Why would you fear someone that had no advantage over you whatsoever? That chance that maybe I could, you took it away. Not only that, you mashed it to the ground making sure it was never to be retrieved again under any type of light.
It keeps on repeating in my mind.
Your voice.
"Yes, Subaru. I'd die for you."
Except, I couldn't tell. Your cold lips had stopped moving. For a brief moment, I had touched them to make sure.
Holding onto the curtain, I let go and jumped out of the window. Looking back, I had imagined Kamui's face staring back at me with much disappointment.
Shaking my head, my grief was finding its way to my dry throat. I kept on swallowing my tears with none coming from my eyes. Reaching for nothing, I searched and searched for a remnant of you.
My feet had led me back to your garden.
Closing my eyes again, I pretended you were there. With your arms around my shoulders, I could feel you whispering to my ear.
The cold wind blew and I knew I was alone all over again.
I remembered at that moment when you closed your eyes, my tears fell onto your body. I held you not really knowing what to do.
Wrapping my arms harder and harder around you, I couldn't tell you how much you had hurt me.
I stepped closer towards the cherry-blossom tree like a moth to a flame knowing it would be burned so easily.
As I was about to touch one of the cherry-blossom's branches, the Dark Kamui interrupted me.
I listened to him and I felt my years rush back to me in a glance. That's what happens when you're dying, I heard. That's the superstition.
He gave me…
Your eye.
With this you accept the responsibilities that come along with it?
The Dark Kamui smirked at me and I nodded. When he turned around, I held the vial so lovingly.
Not knowing whether to hide my shame and become joyous that for once…
You told me something truthfully.
Even if I'm an object of possession…
How pathetic that I loved being yours.
For it was your selfishness that made you human to me. Your possessiveness made me fall in love with you.
You were hurt by another person…
Yes, someone besides you, Seishirou.
Holding it so close, I felt like I was holding you again before you died.
I had loved you as much as my sister predicted.
As I had feared.
As you had anticipated.
Opening my eyes, I held the vial in my hands carefully as I tried to find your apartment. Through the open balcony, as you had done many days before, I barged into your room.
Putting the vial on the bed, I went through your closet. Pulling the trenchcoat I had given you many years ago for your birthday, I hugged it. Smelling it, I tried to absorb you all over again.
Looking at a mirror, I had imagined you still smiling at me when you wore it for me.
It was the day that you said we should have a date.
As usual, I blushed and said I couldn't make it. Instead, I invited you to come over to my apartment…
As soon as he had come through the threshold, I smiled and said, "Omedetto!"
"It's not my birthday," Seishirou said with confusion on his face he smiled in amusement.
"Well, that's true." I blushed as I fidgeted in the hallway. "But since it already passed, I thought I'd at least celebrate it."
"Why?" He stood before me.
"Because Seishirou-san deserves my thanks." I smiled gratefully.
"If you're talking about-"
I nodded and interrupted, "Yes, but it's for everything."
He smirked and I blushed even more.
"Okay, so where's my present?" He leaned his hand on the wall on one side of my head.
I gulped. "Y-yes."
Taking up my chin, he winked. "So where is it? Or shall I take it by force?"
I turned even more red at the moment as my heart pounded in my chest.
"It's in the bedroom," I said.
With his mischievous smirk, I knew I had given him the wrong type of answer.
"Oh, really?"
Then, as he closed his eyes to kiss me, he opened them again. "Jodan."
I let out a big sigh of relief. "Seishirou-san!"
He chuckled as he stood straight up and looked around. "I wonder why Hokuto-chan didn't come and interrupt me."
"Oh, she wouldn't…" I mumbled a bit annoyed.
"Excuse me?" Seishirou asked.
"I said she's out on a date. And this was my idea." I laughed sheepishly as I took a hold of his sleeve.
"Oh, an aggressive Subaru-kun!" He enthusiastically followed me.
"Excuse me?" I questioned confusedly.
"Nothing." He patted my hat.
When we had gotten to my room, I smiled and opened the door. "I got this for you."
Seishirou looked at the twin set of black trenchcoats before him as he walked into my room. "Why did you get two of them?"
"I didn't know which one would look better. I liked this one."
(I cried at the moment while looking at the mirror. It was the one he had died in.)
I continued, "But this was the one Hokuto-chan picked out for you. So, I bought both."
Seishirou looked at me and smiled sincerely. "Thank you, Subaru-kun."
As I was going to take them from my bed, I didn't notice that Seishirou had closed the door behind him. Bending over to pick up the two coats, he grabbed my waist. Whispering into my ear, he told me, "You're too kind, Subaru."
I held onto the sleeve of the coat I liked. But then, his fingers ran down my arm as he made me let it go. Turning me around, I was being slowly pushed onto my bed with the two coats below me.
"Seishirou…san?" I looked up at him as he looked at down at me with a melancholic smile.
We just kept on looking at one another intensely.
In all honesty, I grabbed his face. Without shame, I pulled his face close to mine.
Then, I asked, "Do you love me, Seishirou-san? Do you love me as you say you do?"
At that moment, he began kissing me…
It was funny though.
I didn't feel he had to answer me.
I was so sure of you then, Seishirou.
To keep things quiet, I grabbed onto his body. The harder he pushed onto mine, the harder we would kiss.
His hands held me as I accidentally bit his lips out of pain.
They started to bleed and I licked them.
At that moment, when my green eyes gazed into his amber ones, Hokuto-chan came home.
We scrambled to put our clothes on as we positioned the coats into the exact same way I had arranged them earlier on my bed.
When Hokuto-chan came in and found nothing, I felt guilty.
Yet again, I was holding something from her.
When Seishirou left that day, I waved goodbye.
"Do you love me, Subaru?" he whispered into my ear while holding my hand.
For a moment, he held my hand longer than I had expected.
"Of course," I had wanted to say.
But before I could, he titled his head, let of my hand, and walked out without looking back. Afraid of the answer I'd give.
This time, I was the one that was afraid. As I dropped the coat onto the bed, I slowly took up the vial. Opening it, I would join what shouldn't have ever been together in the first place…
Many days later, Dark Kamui came to me. The one who had been once called Fuuma, the friend of Kamui.
Smoking my cigarette, he told me someone called Nataku died.
After that, I nonchalantly asked about Kamui. He looked back curiously at why would I ask for such information, but he answered anyway.
Then, he left.
Getting up, I took my cigarette out of my mouth and smashed it into the ground with my boot.
Jumping down, I found a little pond forming at some alleyway. It reflected me back as I looked down at it.
My eyes: one green and one amber.
My coat: the one Hokuto-chan had chosen.
Shaking my head, I was proud and disappointed at what I had become.
My dreams of leaving my job as the Sumeragi's heir were even more burdened. I had totally renounced my identity and merged with Seishirou's.
Days later, I had to go back. He would worry if I left for too long.
Kamui always worried about things like that.
As I was slipping through the shadows of the dark night, it had begun to start raining once more.
Everyone was either asleep or keeping watch around the city. Sorata-san was roaming around on some building while Yuzuriha slept in her bed.
I waited in the dark kitchen until Kamui would come.
I knew how he worked. When he got depressed, he would want to eat cookies or get a cup of water after dehydrating himself.
After a few minutes of sitting cross-legged at the counter, I smirked as I found Kamui standing quietly at the doorway.
Rubbing his eyes like a little kid, he gave me a closer look through the darkness.
I looked intently at Kamui.
The boy I had helped not too long ago. The boy I had said to go to school as I silently wrapped the tie around his neck while he looked up to me in wonder.
I had wondered what was so special about him. Not as a god, not as the savior, nor as the person who would decide the world's fate…
…but as a human.
I could tell that he was uneasy as he looked from side to side in uncertainty.
"Hello." I blinked my two mismatched eyes at him.
"Su…subaru-san?" he coughed out. "Is that really you?"
For me to be gone so long from him, had he already forgotten my face?
Did I surprise him that I started to look through Seishirou's clothes?
To breathe in his smell: the scent of sakura, blood, and his very essence.
I had known it all, Kamui.
I had wished that I had crushed him so easily as he had punished me for being so compassionate. My crime for enduring pain and mercy for others was rewarded.
With new pain to wash and never be replaced.
The show must begin…
I nodded. "Yes, it's me."
"Then tell me why do you have that man's eye?" He took a step back away from me.
"It was a present," I answered while still looking at him as I pushed myself from the counter.
Walking towards him, I chuckled softly. "Why are you scared of me?"
"You're not Subaru-san," Kamui countered sharply.
I stepped closely feeling myself wanting to fall at the same time. I reached out for his cheek.
Then, I grabbed his waist with my other hand. Whispering, I told him, "I thought you missed me."
Kamui trembled out of fear and apprehension. Not knowing what to do, he couldn't even scream.
Nor could he use his powers on me.
After all, I was the one who had found his human heart.
Pulling him, I slowly took him and sat him on the counter. Putting my hands on each side of his body while leaning on the counter, I looked at him. "You said you wanted me to stay with you, Kamui."
I leaned closer to him. "I came back to tell you 'yes'."
As I looked at Kamui, that's when I had fully understood you, Seishirou. As I touched the amber eye with my gloved hand, I felt myself become a little whole again.
Even if it was through this that we could be together, was it so disappointing to you Nee-san? I loved him to the core of my being that I had ingested the heartless soul that did not think twice of killing the Subaru Sumeragi everyone once knew?
Especially yours, Hokuto-chan. Especially yours.
Kamui watched me in shock and fear.
I could tell.
Yet, he was fascinated by the person who had transformed before him.
I took his hand and put it over my green eye.
Was this how you looked at me when I was that young?
It couldn't be, Seishirou. We were different. Kamui was a person who had gone through much since he was a child. His pain was the beginning of more being spilled before him.
I had brought upon my own after destruction as you had. We chose to hurt and be hurt.
He hadn't.
He was pushed to pick a side he believed in. Kamui had picked humans.
If it were the me of yesterday, I would have also.
I could not pick up the broken pieces of my heart as he had done. I was still living in a world where I was disillusioned. Why did I have to live outside a world that wasn't in my head?
Taking his hand down, we touched forehead to forehead.
"Kamui…close your eyes."
He shook his head.
Closing my eyes, I could feel myself already crying for the both of us.
"Don't you trust me?"
"I don't know anymore…" he replied shakily.
Then, I felt his face to make sure he was. My thumbs softly pressed onto his eyelids.
He closed them slowly.
He wasn't as innocent as me. I knew what he was thinking. We were different when we were both sixteen.
And now I finally saw why you loved me since I was little. How you loved to tease me and tell me that the cherry blossoms were red because someone had put them there.
You had helped them die, Seishirou.
Therefore, I am no better now.
I took on different jobs with the ones I had been doing all my life.
Now, I also watched people without feeling too much when I killed them with my own two hands. So, the woman I had killed along the way might as well have been my sister.
I took up what you had left behind because it meant that I could be a part of you.
Yes, this is sick.
Even after you died, you still wouldn't go away.
From my mind, from my hands, from my way of life, you still were there.
"Kamui…" I asked with my heart pounding deeply inside my chest, "…do you love me?"
Was it purity? Was it corruption? Was it love? Was it hate?
Tell me, Seishirou.
To be embraced so lovingly; to be shattered so thoroughly.
Being so close, I embraced him trying to feel his chest. Feeling if his heart had died like my own with all our inflictions.
I could feel his heart beating just as fast.
"Yes…" he answered quietly.
I had tears in my eyes, but that was for sleep.
I was always living in a dream,
A broken one that kept repeating.
I looked at Kamui as I held his face between my hands.
Lightning struck and I saw my reflection in his eyes.
So honest, so sincere.
I saw my eyes and I touched yours again thinking I'd have warmth when all I could think of was your body that died so coldly.
Even your breath was so cruel; leaving me no words.
Maybe you should have been quiet, but instead, you told me something.
"The lie." You said it was a lie.
What was a lie and what was truth?
That's what Kamui has to figure out.
But unlike you, Seishirou, I still knew the difference.
I will teach Kamui to live;
I will learn to finally let things die.
For I was not too stupid, Seishirou.
You may have denied that you loved me until the end. You may have killed my sister and wanted to stop the future heir of your enemy's clan.
You may have crushed the person who was once known as Sumeragi Subaru…
I still know the difference.
The lie is the truth. And the truth is the lie.
You taught me that while I loved you. You teach me that while I still love you.
Deep inside, I still cared for the Earth.
With my last ounce of hope, I was putting my feelings into Kamui.
That's why I had chosen his side of this game for the apocalypse.
Leaning forward, I kissed Kamui, and he kissed me back.
Kamui…
Will learn…
I unbuttoned his white pajama top while still kissing him.
Gradually, I undressed him wanting to taint him.
I will hurt him, as you had done with me.
It would be for his own good.
So that he'll have the strength to break another.
The other half of his unresolved self.
You'll see how much I learned from you.
Between crazy and sane, isn't that how I cared for you pounding on the emergency door? My gloved hands bleeding until I didn't know what pain was.
To have you look at me indifferently,
Now, nevermore?
Putting my hand softly on his back, I started to softly kiss his neck as he whispered, "Subaru, I love you."
I didn't answer him back as I entered his body without his soul's permission.
Marking him invisibly that I would follow him to hunt him until I died.
Watch me so closely.
You'll see everything with your own eye.
It isn't ever going to be the kind of pure love as I had given to you, Seishirou.
Don't worry about that.
Now, I truly understand you.
How you were intrigued by me: My innocence.
Why you did what you had to…
I will break him…
…because I learned to love him.
Since I wasn't able to fulfill my dreams years ago;
I want to save Kamui.
To make him not regret anything. That it wasn't wrong to love people and to hurt them because you cared so much.
Seishirou…
I couldn't tell you how much I wanted to still be with you, Seishirou…
To be killed by you. For you to pay attention to me again, even if you did hurt me.
I wanted you to look at me again.
To look my way again.
Even if you were lying, I wanted you to give me an illusion.
Who was the real Seishirou-san?
I'll never know what's the truth.
Now, you'll never know…
_That I didn't care for such things as that._
You were _you_.
And you couldn't ever understand that…
I'd always look for you. No matter who you are.
No matter who or what you were, Seishirou.
To live your life
To love someone,
It comes to one thing.
All
or
Nothing.
--
Author's note: One more chapter to go…
My poor baby Suby. I had wanted to get his feelings as becoming the Sakurazukamori and how he was gently becoming more quiet than he should be. But, I wanted to express that he loves Kamui, but it was a different kind of love than what he felt for Seishirou. More of an understanding as something more than friends and lovers, but not being together as an item. I hope it wasn't too confusing.