The Heart Of The Matter
Don Henley
The King of Tortall sat on his throne, completely alone. The room was packed full of people celebrating and dancing, but the King was alone. The guest gossiped and whispered behind their fans, chattering about the Queens latest scandal. According to the latest rumor, she had mysteriously disappeared on some mission and had yet to return. The King knew, however. Knew that she wasn't on a mission. She was gone. Gone from him for good, if his informants were correct. Distantly, the King felt an odd feeling in his chest and tried to define the sensation. It was a numb kind of emptiness. Distantly, he recalled that the feeling was of pain born of loss.
I got the word today, I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talking to me
He said you'd found someone
The King understood why the Queen had given up her crown. That didn't bother him, really. What bothered him was that Alanna was gone. That and the fact that George Cooper was with her. None of this surprised him, but it still hurt. She wasn't coming back. At first he hadn't even cared that she'd gone. Been relieved, really. Oh, his pride had been a bit tattered, but relief had been the chief emotion. That was six months ago. Now, things looked much different. He missed her in a way he never would have though possible.
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
He wasn't sure when it had happened or how. The first two years had been spectacular. Together, they had done more good in the kingdom then any other royal couple in history. Then it had changed. She got temperamental, refusing to bend or change. She didn't want to wear gowns, didn't want to stay at the palace-wanted to ride into battle!-and refused to have children so young. They had been at odds constantly over everything from her lack of diplomacy to his indecision to act. It had come to the point that he couldn't even speak to her, his guilt and anger making it impossible for him to even look at her. The King winced inwardly at the memories.
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Anger snaked through him. Why had she refused to settle? Why couldn't she have just been happy? She had everything a girl could want. The King closed his eyes briefly, wondering when he'd forgotten the fact that Alanna had never been a normal girl.
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
He missed her. Truthfully, he had missed her for a long time but hadn't known how to find her. The woman he fell in love with seemed to disappear, crushed under the weight of being the Queen. A Queen that he didn't like very much, but he'd accepted it, for it was the way of things, or so he was told.
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
The King clenched his jaw against the urge to hurl his goblet of wine across the room. He'd done wrong by her. Worse than that, he knew it and done nothing about it. She'd told him she was unhappy and he'd done nothing! He could see her wilting away and just stood by. It was so easy just to avoid the problem. There was always something other problem for the King to take attend to, and so the problems were never fixed. He took the attitude that affairs of the state were more important of affairs of the heart and in doing so, he had not only wronged her, he'd lost her.
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
He'd been a coward. Let other people come between his better judgment. Given his time to less important things, slowly cutting her off from him. What else could he do? Alanna had always taken care of herself, hadn't she? She didn't need him, did she? She wouldn't accept his help. When had he let himself be convinced that his love for her was something to be embarrassed of?
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know, it doesn't keep me warm
Now the fruits of his labor had proved disastrous. As if the Gods heard his prayers, Alanna had come back, sure enough. She came back, took one look around, packed up and left. Not that he blamed her. He had left her alone, to the merciless couriers, with no one to lean on. While he wrapped himself up in ruling the county, the most important thing in his life slipped away.
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
Now that she was gone, he saw what an impact she had on his life. Everything was wrong but for the first time he had no idea how to make it right. Only until after she was gone did he realize what he'd done or how much he needed her.
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
The King rose from his throne suddenly. Ignoring the whispers of the crowd he walked out onto the balcony to get some air. Hadn't he been the one to rush her into marriage? Hadn't he been the one to promise her that everything would work out for the best? Who had he been fooling? Alanna was not meant to be tied down for so long. Worse, he had broken every vow he'd ever made her. As both her husband and her King.
Gripping the railing of the balcony with white knuckles, he thought of the note she had left him. Short and to the point (very Alanna like) Jon had committed the four line letter to memory:
"There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, Jon. Because life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside."
Now he was lost. What could he do? It wasn't as if he could let her go. She was the Queen and an heir essential. The king looked down at his hands as realization struck him: even if he could let her go, he would not. By the Gods, it he may have wronged her but he would not let her go this way. He had made to many mistakes already, turned a blind eye to her to many times to ignore her now. He would not let her go. Could not let her go.
"Be honest with yourself, Jon." He said to the empty night, voice harsh. "You love her. Still. No matter how hard you try to deny it, you're still hopelessly in love with her. And you've got much to make up to her."
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
What could he do? She was gone, seeing the right of things before he had. He wouldn't force her in this. He wouldn't call for her or make her come back until she was ready. He'd give her all the room she need to think things through and then go to her. Tell her how wrong he had been.
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Jon's heart thudded painfully as he caught sight of a certain bench, half- hidden by garden brambles. He hadn't remembered that bench until that moment. He breathed deeply, trying to remain outwardly calm as regret slammed over him.
Even if, even if you don't love me,
Take your time, Alanna, he thought. I can't come after you, but I'll be here when you decide to come home. If I must wait the rest of my life I will. We have unfinished business, you and I. It doesn't matter how I do it, just that I did. I have to tell you these things. I have to try.
"Even if." Jon rasped painfully, "...even if you don't love me anymore."
Don Henley
The King of Tortall sat on his throne, completely alone. The room was packed full of people celebrating and dancing, but the King was alone. The guest gossiped and whispered behind their fans, chattering about the Queens latest scandal. According to the latest rumor, she had mysteriously disappeared on some mission and had yet to return. The King knew, however. Knew that she wasn't on a mission. She was gone. Gone from him for good, if his informants were correct. Distantly, the King felt an odd feeling in his chest and tried to define the sensation. It was a numb kind of emptiness. Distantly, he recalled that the feeling was of pain born of loss.
I got the word today, I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talking to me
He said you'd found someone
The King understood why the Queen had given up her crown. That didn't bother him, really. What bothered him was that Alanna was gone. That and the fact that George Cooper was with her. None of this surprised him, but it still hurt. She wasn't coming back. At first he hadn't even cared that she'd gone. Been relieved, really. Oh, his pride had been a bit tattered, but relief had been the chief emotion. That was six months ago. Now, things looked much different. He missed her in a way he never would have though possible.
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
He wasn't sure when it had happened or how. The first two years had been spectacular. Together, they had done more good in the kingdom then any other royal couple in history. Then it had changed. She got temperamental, refusing to bend or change. She didn't want to wear gowns, didn't want to stay at the palace-wanted to ride into battle!-and refused to have children so young. They had been at odds constantly over everything from her lack of diplomacy to his indecision to act. It had come to the point that he couldn't even speak to her, his guilt and anger making it impossible for him to even look at her. The King winced inwardly at the memories.
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Anger snaked through him. Why had she refused to settle? Why couldn't she have just been happy? She had everything a girl could want. The King closed his eyes briefly, wondering when he'd forgotten the fact that Alanna had never been a normal girl.
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
He missed her. Truthfully, he had missed her for a long time but hadn't known how to find her. The woman he fell in love with seemed to disappear, crushed under the weight of being the Queen. A Queen that he didn't like very much, but he'd accepted it, for it was the way of things, or so he was told.
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
The King clenched his jaw against the urge to hurl his goblet of wine across the room. He'd done wrong by her. Worse than that, he knew it and done nothing about it. She'd told him she was unhappy and he'd done nothing! He could see her wilting away and just stood by. It was so easy just to avoid the problem. There was always something other problem for the King to take attend to, and so the problems were never fixed. He took the attitude that affairs of the state were more important of affairs of the heart and in doing so, he had not only wronged her, he'd lost her.
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
He'd been a coward. Let other people come between his better judgment. Given his time to less important things, slowly cutting her off from him. What else could he do? Alanna had always taken care of herself, hadn't she? She didn't need him, did she? She wouldn't accept his help. When had he let himself be convinced that his love for her was something to be embarrassed of?
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know, it doesn't keep me warm
Now the fruits of his labor had proved disastrous. As if the Gods heard his prayers, Alanna had come back, sure enough. She came back, took one look around, packed up and left. Not that he blamed her. He had left her alone, to the merciless couriers, with no one to lean on. While he wrapped himself up in ruling the county, the most important thing in his life slipped away.
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
Now that she was gone, he saw what an impact she had on his life. Everything was wrong but for the first time he had no idea how to make it right. Only until after she was gone did he realize what he'd done or how much he needed her.
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
The King rose from his throne suddenly. Ignoring the whispers of the crowd he walked out onto the balcony to get some air. Hadn't he been the one to rush her into marriage? Hadn't he been the one to promise her that everything would work out for the best? Who had he been fooling? Alanna was not meant to be tied down for so long. Worse, he had broken every vow he'd ever made her. As both her husband and her King.
Gripping the railing of the balcony with white knuckles, he thought of the note she had left him. Short and to the point (very Alanna like) Jon had committed the four line letter to memory:
"There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, Jon. Because life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside."
Now he was lost. What could he do? It wasn't as if he could let her go. She was the Queen and an heir essential. The king looked down at his hands as realization struck him: even if he could let her go, he would not. By the Gods, it he may have wronged her but he would not let her go this way. He had made to many mistakes already, turned a blind eye to her to many times to ignore her now. He would not let her go. Could not let her go.
"Be honest with yourself, Jon." He said to the empty night, voice harsh. "You love her. Still. No matter how hard you try to deny it, you're still hopelessly in love with her. And you've got much to make up to her."
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
What could he do? She was gone, seeing the right of things before he had. He wouldn't force her in this. He wouldn't call for her or make her come back until she was ready. He'd give her all the room she need to think things through and then go to her. Tell her how wrong he had been.
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Jon's heart thudded painfully as he caught sight of a certain bench, half- hidden by garden brambles. He hadn't remembered that bench until that moment. He breathed deeply, trying to remain outwardly calm as regret slammed over him.
Even if, even if you don't love me,
Take your time, Alanna, he thought. I can't come after you, but I'll be here when you decide to come home. If I must wait the rest of my life I will. We have unfinished business, you and I. It doesn't matter how I do it, just that I did. I have to tell you these things. I have to try.
"Even if." Jon rasped painfully, "...even if you don't love me anymore."