With or Without You Chapter 4: Epilogue: With or Without You, a x-men fanfic

Epilogue -- With or Without You

I am so high I can hear heaven

Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me

Raven flapped hard against the wind; rising higher, she found a thermal and glided on it. It was cold tonight but she wasn't bothered by it, not in this form. She settled on the roof of one of the buildings, in a place where she couldn't be seen by those below, where she could sit and think. She changed, became once again a pale girl in a long black coat with long black hair, perched on the roof, staring at the gloom of the city in the moonlight. She liked this part of the city best; it was the historic district, with old fashioned buildings so unlike the high-rises that dominated the rest of the place. She felt these buildings had more character than those monstrous clones.

It's too bad, it's stupid

Too late, so wrong, so long

It's too bad we had no time to rewind

Let's walk, let's talk

Raven thought about Logan, about how she left. She wondered if he was back yet, and what his reaction was if he had. Did he even care? Was he angry at her? So what if he is, she decided. I didn't do anything different than what he's been doing all this time.

Already said good-bye, nothin' left to say

At least she had said good-bye, though she hadn't told him that she was leaving or where. Wasn't that really all she wanted from him? If he couldn't stick around, at least he could tell her that he was leaving. None of this looking for him and being told (by someone else) that he had left hours ago.

Please don't be too long while you're gone

There ain't enough to keep me here too long

She had left for good reason, she felt. She had nothing back at the academy; Rogue was gone, Remy was gone. Kitty and Jubilee were good company but not terribly close friends. And Logan was never there. It's like they took all the fun out of the place when they left.

But you weren't there, right when I needed you the most

That wasn't true, not really. He was always there for her when she needed it, but lately it was like he figured she could fly on her own, that she didn't need him anymore. He was gone more and more lately, and she often wondered if one day he would just disappear and never come back.

I'm not gonna stand here and wait

She was tired of feeling like the lady-in-waiting. He thought she was self-sufficient, well she'd prove him right. She wasn't going to chase him anymore. It wasn't worth it.

It's not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

"Damn it, Logan," she muttered, fighting back tears. "You can't tell me you don't love me; I can see it. It's plain as day. What's holding you back?"

I talk to you

You walk away

You're still on the down beat

You say you don't want my help

But you can't escape

If you're running from yourself

I give you my love

Give you my love

Still you walk away

"He needs me, he just hasn't realized it yet," Raven whispered to herself. "Maybe I should have told him..."

This is how you remind me of what I really am

She could give him the answers he so desperately needed, tell him exactly what he was looking for and where to find it. She could help him.

In the heart in the heart

In the heart of the city

Heart in the heart in

The heart of the city

Oh, love...

I pour my love out for you

And I'll bring you through

See you're not alone

They were both alone. Why couldn't they be alone together? "I need you," she whispered. "We need each other. So why not?" The cityscape held no answers for her. The sky was dark; the stars shone like bright diamonds or tears. Raven slumped over, her knees to her chest, miserable. "Maybe I should go back--" But no. She had to know. Boredom, loneliness, curiosity and a desire to learn weren't the only reasons she had left to come here. She had to know, had to see if her theory would be proven or not. If he came after her, then she'd tell him everything, she decided. I'm still waiting, I guess, she admitted.

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

"But I can't help it," she admitted. "Because no matter how long it takes I'm not giving up on you. Not while there's still hope."

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

"Besides," she whispered to herself, smiling, "I know you'll come around."

Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you

It isn't the love of a hero, and that's why I fear it won't do

Taking wing, she swooped back down to the street below and began to walk. She remembered that one time when she heard him, through the wall in the room she shared with Rogue before Rogue had left, heard him muttering and groaning in his sleep. It worried her. She had gotten up out of bed and padded out of the room and to the next door over. His door. She paused, afraid of intruding, afraid that what happened to Rogue would happen to her. Rogue had told her (since Rogue told her almost everything) about how she woke him up from troubled dreams and gotten three claws through the chest for her troubles.

Raven sat down, leaning her back against the door, and considered. She should wake him up, but what was she going to do? Poke him with a stick? His shouting grew louder, although not quiet enough to wake anyone who slept more soundly than her, but to her ears it was torture. She had to do something. Raven bit her lip, feeling tears well up. It scared her that the strongest man she knew was so helpless to this.

And it must have been so bad

The noises stopped, and she breathed a sigh of relief, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. The door opened suddenly, and she fell into the room, looking up at Logan's startled, wild-eyed face.

"Raven?" he hissed. "What are you doing here?" He glanced around nervously, the emotions and images of the dream still with him.

"Logan! I--" she stammered. What was she going to say? That she'd heard him mewling like a kitten in his sleep, that she was checking to see if he was okay? She whipped up a lie and fast: "I had a nightmare," she blurted out with the best sob she could muster, which wasn't hard considering how she felt. "They--you--oh it was horrible! I just had to see if you were okay--" she curled herself into a ball and wept.

Logan dropped to his knees beside her and rubbed her back. "It's okay," he whispered soothingly. "It was just bad dreams," he sighed, "just bad dreams"

----

Logan tossed and turned; he couldn't sleep. His brain wouldn't shut up, wouldn't stop nagging him. He felt guilty; he had driven her away, he was the reason she had gone. It was because of what he said, or hadn't said, how he'd acted. She was lonely and in love, she was the only person, the only woman, who really understood him, and he just kept pushing her away.

My hands are tied

My body bruised, she's got me with

Nothing to win and nothing left to lose

"That's it," he decided. "First thing tomorrow I'm getting that address from the Professor, and I'm gonna go visit her." Resolved, he turned over and fell into a fitful sleep.

When the night has no end

And the day yet to begin

As the room spins around

I need your love.

-the end-