Chapter 7: Secrets & Broken Dreams
AJ
I watch silently as Crystal and Niki walk out of the room after Tamera. I look to Howie for answers. I'm not even sure what just happened. Tam just freaked. What Niki said got me thinking, Tam's been very secretive about her past.
"Howie did you know about that?" Nick asks breaking my trail of thought.
"No… I didn't even know he hit her." Howie says sounding spacey.
"Seems like Tam's been keepin' secrets from us." I say looking from Nick to Howie.
"It's not that she means to. She's had a hard life since her mother died. She just told me about it the night of the concert. When I asked why she didn't tell me, she said she didn't want us to pity her." Howie explains as Crystal and Niki run back in.
"She's gone and so is Howie's corvette." Niki says breathless.
"Where could she have gone?" I ask looking at Crystal.
"I don't know. She could be at her apartment, at the beach or even at Howie's place." Crystal says with a sigh of aspiration.
"How about we do this? Me and Niki'll go to check the beach, you and AJ go the her apartment and one of us should give Howie a ride home so he can look there." Nick suggests looking around at all of us.
"Sounds like a plan, take your cell Nick so we can keep in touch." I say as I turn on my cell phone.
"Howie why don't you come with me and Nick? That way if she's not there you can come with us to the beach." Niki says taking Nick's free hand as he turns on his cell phone.
"Ok. That's fine with me." Howie says melancholically.
"Let's go then, maybe we can catch her." Crystal says taking my hand and dragging me out to my Expedition.
Crystal
When Niki and I got up stairs Tamera was no where in sight. I hope we find her. AJ and I climb in his Expedition and we start towards Tamera's apartment. I sink back into the seat and close my eyes. When I open them I look over at AJ. He's gripping the wheel tightly.
"What's wrong AJ?" I ask turning to look at him.
"Nothing. Just wondering how much Tamera's hiding from us." AJ says not taking his eyes off the road.
"It's not that she was hiding it but… she doesn't like talking about the years after her mother died. Even if it was seven years ago." I say as my eyes turn back to the road.
The lights from the streetlight flickering on over the streets. I sigh as I close my eyes. An image of Tamera with her curls cut to her jawbone flashes in my mind. A smile crosses my lips then fades as the image changes to one of Tamera, her curls the same length but her eyes tear filled and a black eye forming over her right eye. I whimper slightly as I let the memory replay in my mind.
~~~
Tamera stands in the doorway of my parent's house. Her curls mussed about her head. I grab her hand and pull her inside.
"It's Tam mom!" I yell as I pull Tamera up the stairs to my room.
I push her inside and close the door behind me. She sits down on my bed and I sit down next to her. I look closely at her face and see a bruise beginning to form over her right eye.
"What happened? He beat you up again did he?" I ask as she leans against the wall.
"This time it was because I got home a half-hour late from school. I told him I was staying after to finish my test and he acted like I never mentioned it." Tamera says before she starts sobbing.
"Tam you gotta get outta there. I can't stand to see you like this anymore. We've got two more months before graduation and I won't stand for this anymore!" I say hitting my fist on the bed.
"Where am I gonna go Crystal?" She asks looking at me with tear filled eyes.
"Stay here, my mom would be cool with that. Please Tam, I have a hard enough time sleeping knowing you're in that house with that man." I say moving closer to her.
A shutter escapes her lips as she closes her eyes again. When she opens her eyes her pale blue eyes meet mine. She licks her lips and sniffles. Then takes a deep breath.
"You're right, I need to get outta there before he hurts me anymore." Tamera says wiping her eyes.
~~~
I sigh as I open my eyes. The road speeds by as I look back over at AJ. His eyes may be on the road but I can see the worry in his hazel eyes.
"Try not to be hard on her for keeping her past a secret. She's had a hard life and she doesn't like talking about it." I say reaching over and putting my hand over his on the wheel.
He glances over at me then back at the road. He holds my hand in between the seats. AJ glances back at me and smiles.
"You're right. I'll try to ease up to her. She's my home girl after all." AJ says making me smiles as we pull up to Tamera's apartment building.
Howie
I follow Nick and Niki out of AJ's house to Nick's Dirango. I hop in the back still feeling numb. As the front doors clam I sit there looking out the window indifferently. What just happened still hasn't fully registered.
I never had any clue not even an inkling that her father did that to her… No wonder it was hard for her to tell me about her past. I should understand why she's acting like this… and yet I can't help but think she's acting like a bit of a baby. I stare blankly out the window as Nick drives toward my hacienda.
"You all there D?" Nick asks shooting a quick glance over his shoulder at me.
"Huh? Oh, I-I'm fine Nick." I say distracted.
"What's on your mind Howie?" Niki asks turning her head to look at me.
"Just letting what happened register." I say not taking my eyes off the road flying by.
"Look Howie I don't know how much of her past she told you but I can tell she never told you that she was abused. You gotta understand that even after being free of him for four year she's still emotionally and physically healing. So she didn't want to talk about it. Me and Crystal only know because she came to school with a bruise on her shoulder." Niki explains and I can feel her eyes on me.
Then she turns around and leaves me alone with my thoughts. I'm still having a hard time accepting this. But then again if explains a lot about why Tamera was always made a big deal about feeling safe with me. My eyes widen then I turn my head and my eyes fall on the promise ring on my right hand. It all makes sense. Why she would always make sure I was never afraid to lose her. She was a bit clingy because she lost her mom and was beaten for it. We have to find her!
I look up and see the houses of my neighborhood. We pull into my driveway and stop in front of my hacienda. She's not here… but I'm still going in, I can at least grab a blanket if she's at the beach.
"You guys stay here I'll be back." I say before I hop out of Nick's Dirango.
Crystal
I stand in the doorway of Tamera's apartment with AJ. It's a mess! Clothes thrown around the living room, her bed unmade and the blankets half off. Her kitchen is in some kind of order. I walk over to her desk and see her journal sitting with a pen sticking out of the closed cover. I glance back at AJ. He's looking in her room.
"Well she's not here." AJ says turning around as I slid into the seat in front of the desk.
I open the journal to the last page. Setting the pen down I start skimming the last entry. AJ walks up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"What's it say?" He asks as I look up at him.
"Her brother called her because he couldn't make it to the graduation. She called him back and he told her that her dad died, he had a stroke. Scott mustn't of known he hit her cause he graduated from high school before her mom died." I say as I close Tamera's journal and put it back on the desk.
"Who's Scott?" He asks as I get up off the chair.
"Her older brother. Don't worry she was gonna introduce you boys at the graduation but since he didn't show she couldn't." I explain as I head into Tamera's bedroom.
"What're you doing?" AJ asks from the doorway.
"I'm grabbing Tam some clothes to change into. Just call Nick and tell him she's not here." I say as I pick up a pair of blue jeans and sweatpants.
I grab her small duffel bag form the floor of her closet. I stuff the jeans and sweatpants inside along with her brush and deodorant. I open the top drawer of her dresser and grab her one of her sports bras and a pair of underwear. I have to suppress a laugh when I close the drawer. I pick up a t-shirt she has from Eagle River and a red long john Tommy shirt, then put them in the duffel bag. As I walk out of her room I zip up her duffel bag.
"Ah-huh… Ok we'll meet ya down there… Later Nickay." AJ says before he hangs up his cell phone.
"Well?" I ask slinging the duffel bag over my shoulder.
"She's not at Howie's. I told Nick we'd meet them down at the beach." He explains putting his cell phone in his pocket.
"Great let's go." I say as we head for the door.
Tamera
I get out of Howie's corvette tears streaming down my face. I take of my high-heeled sandals and leave them in the car. I look out at the ocean and see the sun setting over the horizon. Why did I go off at Howie like that? He's not my brother. I can't believe I let one of my flash backs affect me like that. That hasn't happened in years. God Howie must think I'm insane, and Nick and AJ probably won't speak to me again.
I fall to my knees on the damp sand. Sobs escape my lips as I hunch over crying. Why'd Scott have to call to tell me he can't be here for me? I was at all his graduations and he misses both my high school and college graduations. This isn't his fault… its not his fault dad had a stroke. But I can't go home for the funeral. My family knows I'm Wiccan, they'll think I killed him I know it.
I want Howie! Why'd I have to run away from the one person I actually love? I just to tell him and the guys everything. I-I just wish they were here. I sob harder as I her a distant car door slam.
"Tamera!" I hear Niki yell form behind me.
I hear someone running toward me at full speed. They put their arm around my shoulders. I don't care who it is I turn into their arm and bury my head in their shoulder. They wrap a warm blanket around me their arms around my shoulders. I lift my head slightly and I see its Howie.
"Howie!" I chock out before I bury my head back in his shoulder.
His arms feel so safe and warm around me. He rubs my back soothingly as my sobs silence and my tear subside. I whimper softly as I cling to him.
"I'm gonna take her to my car." Howie says as he stands up with me in his arms.
"Is she gonna be ok?" I hear Nick ask as I hear another car pull up.
"I'll make sure she is." Howie says protectively as his arms tighten around me.
I can feel Howie walking with me in his arms. His arms locked tightly around me. I hear two car doors slam and then another open. Howie sets me down on the backseat of his corvette then he sits down next to me. I back away from him like a scared child.
"It's ok Tamera. It's just us, you know your friends." Nick says making me smiles.
"She's shook up not stupid Nick." I hear Crystal chime in before I see her.
I sit up straight and wipe the tears from my eyes. My eyes go from AJ with his arm around Crystal's shoulders, to Niki holding Nick's hand then to Howie. I meet Howie's eyes and see worry relief and a tinge of pain. I bite my lower lip and close my eyes. I clear my throat then open my eyes.
"I guess I owe everyone an explanation huh?" I ask holding the blanket tightly around me.
"Not really Niki and Spike explained most of it already." Nick says comfortingly.
"We're not mad at ya Tam. We understand why you didn't wanna tell us your past. I guess it would be kinda redundant to want to know everything about your past when you hardly know ours." AJ says flashing me a smile.
"Thanks but I guess the reason I freaked was cause I wanted to introduce all of you to my older brother, Scott, and he promised he'd he here. Then he called me and tells me my dad's dead… I just didn't have time to fully deal. Then when Howie said 'I'll never leave you', it reminded me of when Scott came to visit after my mom died and had to protect me against my dad. I guess I was still mad at him for leaving me there and not looking back." I explain not meeting anyone's eyes.
I look away from everyone ashamed. Then I feel someone's hand on my knee. My head jerks to see it's Howie's hand. He smiles warmly at me and squeezes my knee.
"Tamera it's ok. Shit happens, it's how we move on that matter." Howie sys and I feel my whole body relax.
I smile at him then look up to AJ, Crystal, Nick and Niki. Both Crystal and Niki are smiling at me with a look of relief on their faces. AJ looks at me without his sunglasses, smiles then winks at me. I smile back as I look at Nick. He's got a smile on his face too.
"Do you want me to give you a ride home?" Howie asks me causing my eye to drop back down to him.
"No, I want to talk to you and sleep where I feel safe." I say somberly.
"Good, I grabbed you some stuff from your apartment." Crystal says holding up my black duffel bag.
"Thanks. Now why don't we all head home?" I say smiling.
"Sounds like a plan to me." Nick says putting his arm around Niki.
"Great let's go." Crystal says looking up at AJ and smiling.
I look at Howie. He's staring at me when my eyes meet his he smiles at me. I smile back and sigh. Nick and Niki turn and head for Nick's Durango and Crystal and AJ head for AJ's Expedition. I get out of the backseat and Howie throws my duffel bag in the back. He closes the door as I walk around the car to the passenger side. I glance over at him over the roof of the corvette. We meet eyes again. We smile at each other as we both open the doors and slide in.
Niki
I walk with Nick over to his Durango and hop back into the passenger seat. As soon as Nick got the car started we were off for his penthouse. He glances over to me and smiles.
"I'm so glad that's Tam's ok." I say to fill the silence.
"Me too. So how did you meet Tamera anyway?" Nick asks glancing over at me again.
"Well her and Spike were friends since she was twelve. I met her through Spike a few months before her mom died." I say not taking my eyes off Nick.
"Sounds kinda like how Howie, AJ and I met." Nick says smiling.
"Yeah… it's funny and kinda ironic. We became better friends because of our love for the Backstreet Boys and when we started singing together we'd sing your guy's songs. I'd sing your parts, Tam would sing Howie and Brian's parts and Spike would sing AJ and Kevin. We learned all the choreography from your videos. We were known as the Backstreet Girls freshmen year then we progressed to the Wild Angels when we performed at out senior show." I say beaming at the happy memories of my past.
"It's strange to think that our music brought you guys together." Nick says looking over at me and smiling.
I know music has a strange power with people. It can in inspire, it can make you mad or it can hype you up it all depends on the music." I say as we park near Nick's penthouse.
"Next week we're going to be in the studio recording, why don't you and the girls come with us?" Nick asks looking over at me.
"Sounds like fun." I say smiling as Nick's hand finds mine.
He smiles at em and squeezes my hand. He moves closer to me pulling me to him. Our lips meet in a sweet kiss. I hear fireworks in the back of my mind and pull him closer to me.
Crystal
We get to AJ's mansion about fifteen minutes after leaving the beach. I sit down on the plush leather couch in his living room. He walks in with two cans of soda. He sits down next to me and hands me a can.
"You want something for dinner?" He asks leaning back on the couch.
"Sure you wanna go out of are you gonna cook?" I ask putting down the can and leaning on his shoulder.
"Well I was gonna make some chicken stir-fry." He says sliding his arm around my waist.
"Ok, sounds good to me." I say leaning against his body.
I feel safe and warm in his arms. It makes me forget about the pressures from my mom to go into the work force. I don't want to I want to see if our talent can get us anywhere. AJ kisses my forehead and stands up. He walks out of the room and I follow into the kitchen. He walks behind the bar as I slid into one of the stools.
"Can I ask you something, and you don't have to answer?" He asks putting a knife and cutting board on the bar top.
"You just did, sure what?" I say leaning my elbows on the bar top.
"What's your family like?" He asks cutting up some chicken.
"Well my dad's an alcoholic and my mom's a workaholic but made time to hang out with me. I'm an only child and Tam was like the sister I always wanted." I say watching him.
"How long have you two been friends?" He asks now dicing come chives.
"Since we were twelve… about umm ten years now." I say after thinking a moment.
"Damn! I've only known Howie and Nick for seven years." AJ says smiling at me and chuckling slightly.
"Well we went to the same middle and high school so of course we're old friends." I say leaning over the bar towards him.
AJ smiles at me again and kisses me. The knife drops on the cutting board. The vinyl of my dress squeaks against the bar top.
Howie
I'm so relieved to have found Tamera. Even though at first I didn't understand now I do. We pull up to hacienda and I park my corvette. I turn and look at Tamera. Immediately I meet her pale blue eyes. She smiles weakly at me and I smile back. We both get out of the car and I grab her duffel bag before she gets the chance. We walk into the house and I drop Tamera's duffel bag on the couch.
"I'm gonna go change outta this dress, ok?" She says a bit uncomfortable.
"Sure go ahead. I was gonna order in some Chinese food what do you want?" I ask as she picks up her duffel bag and stands on the bottom of the staircase.
"Sesame chicken and pork fried rice." She says before she runs up the stairs.
She turns and goes into my room. I swallow a lump forming in my throat. I can trust her in my house. It's not like a girl's never changed in my bedroom… ok maybe a girl never has. But it's not like she's never been in my room. I shake my head as I grab the yellow pages.
Nick
Niki and I are up in my penthouse. We're sitting on the living room floor eating pepperoni pizza. She laughs suddenly as I chew a bite of pizza.
"What?" I ask as I swallow.
"You have sauce on your nose." She says still laughing.
I try to wipe it off with a napkin. Then she laughs harder. She moves toward me and wipes it off my nose and cheek. Then she kisses me again. Her lips taste like pizza and I'm sure mine do too. But neither of us seem to care.
AJ
I sit next to Crystal on my couch and we eat stir-fry. I keep looking from her to the TV then back at her between bites. Then at one point I look at her and she looks up at me. Her gold eye shine like honey in the sunlight.
"What?" She asks before eating a forkful of pea pods, pepper and chicken.
"Nothing I just can't keep my eyes off you." I say as she blushes slightly.
"Well I can't seem but to do the same so we're even." She says as I put my plate on the coffee table by my feet.
She smiles at me and does the same. I move closer to her on the couch. My arm moves around her shoulders. She moves closer to me and we watch TV like that.
Tamera
I already changed into my long john shirt and sweatpants now I need to hang up my dress. As I run my brush through my curls I open the door to Howie's room slightly. I lean out the door balancing on the doorframe.
"Howie can I borrow a hanger to hang up my dress?" I yell and it echoes through the house.
"Yeah, just take one out of the closest." Howie yells back.
I close the door and walk over to his closet, which is opposite to the door and to the left of the bed. I slide open the door and the closet is filled with silk suites, shoes and a few shoeboxes. I take an empty hanger from between a black suite and a black silk cameo. I put my dress on the hanger and hang it on the door of the closet.
A smile tugs at my lips as I back-step to the bed. I fall back on his king size bed. My body sinks into the soft down comforter and mattress. I close my eyes and smile. I feel so comfortable and at home here with Howie. My eyes slowly open and I sit up. I get up and walk down stairs my bare feet on the hardwood floor. The doorbell rings as I reach the bottom of the stairs.
"Can you get it Tam? The money's on the table." Howie yells from down the hall.
"Sure." I say picking up the twenty dollar bill.
I open the door. A young Chinese girl stands with a white paper bag. She smiles at me and looks at the check stapled to the bag.
"Uh-I have an order for a Howie D?" She says looking around behind me.
"How much?" I ask smirking.'
"Eighteen dollars." She says still looking over my shoulder.
"Here, keep the change. Thank you." I say handing her the twenty and taking the bag.
I turn to close the door as Howie walks into the room. His hair down and his shirt unbuttoned. He spots the delivery girl and smiles at her. I glance over my shoulder at her as he waves. She giggles then quickly leaves. I look back at Howie.
"I was just trying to be nice." Howie says shrugging.
I laugh as I close the door and walk toward him carrying the food. He laughs too as I stand next to him. His arm slides around my shoulders.
"Come on. I have my den set up so we can eat." He says leading me down the hall.
He takes the bag as we walk into a large room with sandstone walls. Tall bookshelves built into the walls filled with books. A large flannel blanket lays on the floor in the center of the room. Two taper candles sit in the center of the blanket. Soft piano music plays from the stereo.
"Our table awaits milady." Howie says taking my hand and leading me to the blanket.
"This is so romantic." I say sitting down with Howie next to me.
"It's the least I can do to try to improve you day mi querida." Howie says taking the food out of the bag.
We shift through the four take-out boxes. We end up switching cause Howie got my order. I pick up the chopsticks and eat some pork-fried rice. I glance over at Howie struggling with his chopsticks. I giggle at him as I eat some sesame chicken. Howie looks at me with a bemused look.
"What's so funny Miss-I-Can-Eat-With-Chopsticks?" He asks his eyebrow raised.
"The fact that you can't. Here let me show you." I say putting down my food and chopsticks.
I sit between his knees, my back on his chest and his arms on either side of me. I put the chopsticks in his hand and pick up mine. I hold my chopsticks like pinchers.
"Like this." I say as I grab some pork-fried rice.
I eat it as he tries to pick up some cashew shrimp and drops it. He groans in frustration and I stifle a laugh by eating some sesame chicken and a bit of rice. He drops hi chopsticks in defeat.
"Are you going to use a fork or do I have to feed you?" I ask looking over my shoulder at him.
"I think you're gonna have to." He says with an evil smirk on his face.
I shake my head as I chew on some sesame chicken. Using the chopstick I pick up some cashew shrimp and hold it up to him. He eats it and I eat some more sesame chicken. Then I do the same thing again feeding him then myself until both the cashew shrimp and sesame chicken are gone. I start eating more of my pork-fried rice while Howie eats some egg rolls.
"Now this is eating." Howie says before taking another bite of hie egg roll.
"Oh sure you're saying that just because I was feeding you like a baby." I say putting more pork-fried rice in my mouth.
"Can I help I can't use chopsticks like you can?" He asks as we both eat the last of our entrées.
"Can I help it if you're too stubborn to try and learn how?" I ask putting down my empty box and chopsticks.
Howie chuckles lightly. His arms slide around my waist and he pulls me back against him. I smile as he kisses my cheek.
"I think my Spanish rose has turned out to be more of and Oriental rose." He says his lips close to my ear.
"Mmm well before you get too worked up, we still need to talk." I say before I slip out of his arms and sit next to him again.
"Can we at least open our fortune cookies first?" He asks holding the fortune cookies in his hand.
"Fine." I say snatching a fortune cookie.
We tear the plastic wrapping off at the same time. I shove the wrapper in an empty box. Then I break open the cookie and take out the fortune.
"What does yours say Howie?" I ask eating half of my cookie.
"It says, 'Great fortune in your future.' What about yours?" Howie asks eating half of his cookie.
"Um, 'Great joy in your life will be followed by great pain.'" I read my voice changing from happy to a slower pace.
I sit there perfectly still my eyes on the small strip of paper in my hands. I swallow hard but I'm not really breathing. What does it mean? Haven't I had enough pain in this life? Should I believe this or should I dismiss it? Suddenly Howie's hand is on my shoulder and I jump. I look over at him and meet his brown eyes.
"It' just a fortune Tam. It doesn't mean a thing." He says squeezing my shoulder.
My eyes start into his for a moment. I take a deep breath. Taking in the warmth and positively emanating from him.
"You're right Howie. It's just some manufactured fortune." I say crumpling up my fortune.
He smiles at me as I toss the crumpled paper across the blanket. I take a deep breath and cross my legs. Resting my hands on my knees I close my eyes and exhale. As my eyes slide open again and I focus on his brown eyes.
"I know I told you a lot about my past but… I should have told you that my dad hit me. I should have came to you when my dad died but I just heard about that yesterday afternoon before my final graduation rehearsal. I just didn't have time to deal and I'm sorry I went off at you I didn't mean to got caught up in a flashback of my brother, I was going to introduce you two today if he'd have come, I haven't seen him in years. I'm just do sorry that I went postal on you." I explain quickly in two big breaths.
"It's ok. Even though I would rather you didn't have secrets from me but the important thing is that you told me. Maybe I can help you. Tell me about your flashbacks." He asks placing his hand over mine on my knee.
My eyes focus on his hand. I see his promise ring on his middle finger. A smile tugs at my lips. I raise my head to look him and turn my hand under his. I thread my fingers through his and hold his hand tightly.
"You know how Vietnam Vet's have flashbacks of things that happened to them in the field?" He nods, "They're caused by undealt with emotions, disturbing emotions that leave the person unsettled. With me my flashbacks are similar but not exactly the same. Mine are not as complex but just as bad in effect.
"When I get a flashback it's caused by something that triggers a memory and emotion. Like a picture, an object or a phrase, like with you. A memory gets triggered and I'm transported back to the memory and I forget where I am and who I'm with. I react to people an if I'm in the memory. Sometimes I scream, sometimes I cry… and sometimes I hurt someone." I say my eyes fall to the blanket beneath me.
I rub his hand with my thumb. My eyes examine the pattern of the blanket. Howie's free hand appears before me. He puts his hand under my chin and gently lifts my head to meet my eyes.
"You didn't hurt me did you?" He asks still holding my head.
"I-"
"Did you?" He insists holding my chin between his thumb and forefinger, I sigh.
"No." I say flatly.
"Tamera I love you, past and all. No one has a past they're proud of. I won't abandon you because you had a hard life. I'll be here to help you though it." He says caressing my cheek.
A whimper escapes me as I lean my head to his tender touch. My eyes close as he cups my cheek in his hand. His lips brush across my forehead. My fiery red curls fall over my shoulder and over his hand. Slowly my eyes flutter open an I immediately meet his brown eyes.
"Thank you. Thank you for understanding me." I whisper staring into his eyes.
"No problem querida. You've brought out the real person inside me. You cracked my shell without even trying and made me feel like it's ok to be me." He whispers back taking his hand from mine and cupping my head between his hands.
He pulls my head closer to his. I move willingly toward him. My hands slide around his neck my fingers tangle in his shoulder length black hair. Our lips meet in soft kiss. I move closer to him to sit on is lap. Slowly I pull my lips from his. My hand trails down his shoulder then slides around his chest. I rest my head on his shoulder; his black hair spilling over my curls.
"You're welcome." I whisper as he holds me to him.