§§§ Saturday §§§
I woke up late in the afternoon. Blearily, I groped to find my visor, which was always at the stand beside my bed when I sleep. I found them, and slid them on before even fully waking.
Deep dreams had troubled my sleep. Though I had slept for over two days, but I did not awake rested. Quite the opposite; I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. It took several minutes before I recalled what had happened, both to Ran, and what I still couldn't bring myself to say. My headache was still throbbing through my temples and behind my eyes.
Kazuhiko had put me to bed, and apparently he had gotten a couple of people he knew closely in the military to take Ran away.
I hated it all. I had let that one thing screw up my entire life. It was because of that one thing that I tried to end it all, and it was because of that, that Ran died. It was my fault, in every way. I had committed the action that brought me to commit suicide, and its result was Ran who, while trying to stop me, got killed instead.
I had killed Ran. Over the period of the rest of the day, Kazuhiko had told me several times that it was an accident. He had told the ones who took Ran that someone had came in, knocked me out, and shot Ran. Kazuhiko knew what had happened. He saw it coming, and it helped that Ran had told him that he suspected I was going to do something I would regret. He had told Kazuhiko after I had spoken to him over the communicator, after I had left the room.
He lied for me. He didn't want anything more to happen to me. He really was a good man. Knocked out. Right. Even I could admit that I had passed out. I had killed the only person who could really know who I was. The only person who I would have been able to talk to about what happened, and I couldn't even keep from fainting. I had never fainted before. There was nothing terrible enough that happened suddenly enough to do so.
Maybe it was emotion. Never had I felt emotions so strongly, emotions that were strong enough to eat away at my carefully maintained veil that hid all that I did not want others to see. The reason was that Ran was gone, and I had done it.
The only person I had ever loved, and I killed him.
Now I had two things that I had to accept and face. This was just getting harder, and it was I who was making it harder.
I couldn't even live with keeping a careful secret. How could I live without Ran?
§§§ Sunday §§§
That night I got no sleep at all. There was just thoughts circling around. There were only a few, but they kept coming back, unanswered.
Why did I wait so long? Why did it have to be Ran instead of me? Why didn't I tell Ran anything of how I felt? What could I have done differently?
Everything. I could have done everything differently, but I didn't, and now everything was going to hell. I couldn't live without Ran. I couldn't live with the fact that he was gone, but I could die with that fact.
I walked into the study... where Ran died. I would die in the very place he did. If I couldn't live without him, then I could die with him.
The same dream that I had before I took up the tazer came to me in memory. I saw Ran was with Sue, beside her. I knew that he felt loved, and warm... and finished. I wanted more than anything to be at his side. He knew what I was to him... what I meant to him... and also what he meant to me.
I found a knife, a dagger of sorts, really, that had been made with the sword that rarely left my side. The quickest way, the quickest way...
The door banged open, and there stood Kazuhiko. He looked distressed, and looked on me with anger. Kazuhiko grabbed me and forced me to face him. The knife shook from my hands, and Kazuhiko rammed his heel onto the blade, preventing me from taking it from under his foot.
'Gingetsu! What are you doing?'
I could only manage to mumble a few vowel sounds, but I couldn't say any more than that.
'Damn! Remember what happened the last time you tried it? It was in the last few days, so I don't know how you could have forgotten.'
Kazuhiko spoke harshly, at first, before his features softened into an expression of despair.
'It hurts like hell, it hurts me too, but this is not the way to go. I know what you're going through. I know. But, Gingetsu, it's really not worth it. I've been down this road. I'm the one that walked it first. I've lost, too, remember? Same as you. You lost Ran. I lost Ora. And Sue. I know it hurts, but don't resort to this.'
My voice nearly broke as I explained how he didn't understand, that it was about more than Ran.
'Then tell me. Please. I know what Ran meant to you. He was my friend, but he was your love. Don't leave me in the dark. I hate it when you do that, but you do it anyway. But, please, Gingetsu, this is your life. This is important, I care about you, and you can't leave me in the dark on this one. I don't want to lose you, too.'
I said nothing over the next several minutes. Neither of us did, and I still couldn't look Kazuhiko in the eyes.
'Gingetsu... Explain to me what I don't understand. Tell me, and make me understand. I want to help.'
I shook my head.
'Don't be an- oh, for god's sakes, Gingetsu! You were just about to kill yourself, and you won't even tell me why!? You need help, and trust me, I sure tried. If you don't even trust me anymore, who are you going to trust? Certainly not the Counsel, certainly not Azaiea! There is no one in this world that you can turn to, if not me. If you won't tell me, then obviously you don't trust me, and you can just go ahead.'
Kazuhiko took his foot off of the knife, and I took it up once more, bringing it to my wrist. God, I hated it all...
SMACK
I dropped the knife and took several steps back. My right cheek stung. Kazuhiko had struck me. He looked at me in a pained sort of way, and I looked into his eyes for the first time since Sue died. I think that he could sense that our eyes met, because he moved forward and caught me in an embrace. He spoke over my shoulder, right into my ear.
'God, you're so stupid... so stupid...'
I pulled us apart, and held Kazuhiko at arms' length, though only half- heartedly. I raised a hand up from his shoulder, and brought it to my visor, carefully removing it, and looking Kazuhiko eye to eye for the first time that I could remember in a long time. It was the first time, I think, that I had looked anyone eye to eye since I joined the military. I could see his expression change when I dropped the visor on the floor, and crushed them with the heel of my boot.
I looked at Kazuhiko, noting how much more real it was without the visor. It was real. I was seeing him as he was, not as the visor saw him. It saddened me even more when I knew that Ran had never seen me so. It was then that I realized why Kazuhiko looked at me the way he did; I felt the sting of tears, coming for the first time in my recollection.
'Sorry I didn't do that sooner...'
'You'll tell me?'
'Kazuhiko, look at me. I know if you look hard enough, you'll know.'
I saw him look over me intently, sadness still in his face.
'You're eyes are evergreen... just like Sue's...'
'...Yes.'
' And your hair is silver... like hers. I never noticed that before- wait... Gingetsu... you're...'
'Yes... I am the father that Sue never knew... and I'm sorry...'
There. Now I said it.
And still I hated it all.
§§§§§§§§§
I woke up late in the afternoon. Blearily, I groped to find my visor, which was always at the stand beside my bed when I sleep. I found them, and slid them on before even fully waking.
Deep dreams had troubled my sleep. Though I had slept for over two days, but I did not awake rested. Quite the opposite; I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. It took several minutes before I recalled what had happened, both to Ran, and what I still couldn't bring myself to say. My headache was still throbbing through my temples and behind my eyes.
Kazuhiko had put me to bed, and apparently he had gotten a couple of people he knew closely in the military to take Ran away.
I hated it all. I had let that one thing screw up my entire life. It was because of that one thing that I tried to end it all, and it was because of that, that Ran died. It was my fault, in every way. I had committed the action that brought me to commit suicide, and its result was Ran who, while trying to stop me, got killed instead.
I had killed Ran. Over the period of the rest of the day, Kazuhiko had told me several times that it was an accident. He had told the ones who took Ran that someone had came in, knocked me out, and shot Ran. Kazuhiko knew what had happened. He saw it coming, and it helped that Ran had told him that he suspected I was going to do something I would regret. He had told Kazuhiko after I had spoken to him over the communicator, after I had left the room.
He lied for me. He didn't want anything more to happen to me. He really was a good man. Knocked out. Right. Even I could admit that I had passed out. I had killed the only person who could really know who I was. The only person who I would have been able to talk to about what happened, and I couldn't even keep from fainting. I had never fainted before. There was nothing terrible enough that happened suddenly enough to do so.
Maybe it was emotion. Never had I felt emotions so strongly, emotions that were strong enough to eat away at my carefully maintained veil that hid all that I did not want others to see. The reason was that Ran was gone, and I had done it.
The only person I had ever loved, and I killed him.
Now I had two things that I had to accept and face. This was just getting harder, and it was I who was making it harder.
I couldn't even live with keeping a careful secret. How could I live without Ran?
§§§ Sunday §§§
That night I got no sleep at all. There was just thoughts circling around. There were only a few, but they kept coming back, unanswered.
Why did I wait so long? Why did it have to be Ran instead of me? Why didn't I tell Ran anything of how I felt? What could I have done differently?
Everything. I could have done everything differently, but I didn't, and now everything was going to hell. I couldn't live without Ran. I couldn't live with the fact that he was gone, but I could die with that fact.
I walked into the study... where Ran died. I would die in the very place he did. If I couldn't live without him, then I could die with him.
The same dream that I had before I took up the tazer came to me in memory. I saw Ran was with Sue, beside her. I knew that he felt loved, and warm... and finished. I wanted more than anything to be at his side. He knew what I was to him... what I meant to him... and also what he meant to me.
I found a knife, a dagger of sorts, really, that had been made with the sword that rarely left my side. The quickest way, the quickest way...
The door banged open, and there stood Kazuhiko. He looked distressed, and looked on me with anger. Kazuhiko grabbed me and forced me to face him. The knife shook from my hands, and Kazuhiko rammed his heel onto the blade, preventing me from taking it from under his foot.
'Gingetsu! What are you doing?'
I could only manage to mumble a few vowel sounds, but I couldn't say any more than that.
'Damn! Remember what happened the last time you tried it? It was in the last few days, so I don't know how you could have forgotten.'
Kazuhiko spoke harshly, at first, before his features softened into an expression of despair.
'It hurts like hell, it hurts me too, but this is not the way to go. I know what you're going through. I know. But, Gingetsu, it's really not worth it. I've been down this road. I'm the one that walked it first. I've lost, too, remember? Same as you. You lost Ran. I lost Ora. And Sue. I know it hurts, but don't resort to this.'
My voice nearly broke as I explained how he didn't understand, that it was about more than Ran.
'Then tell me. Please. I know what Ran meant to you. He was my friend, but he was your love. Don't leave me in the dark. I hate it when you do that, but you do it anyway. But, please, Gingetsu, this is your life. This is important, I care about you, and you can't leave me in the dark on this one. I don't want to lose you, too.'
I said nothing over the next several minutes. Neither of us did, and I still couldn't look Kazuhiko in the eyes.
'Gingetsu... Explain to me what I don't understand. Tell me, and make me understand. I want to help.'
I shook my head.
'Don't be an- oh, for god's sakes, Gingetsu! You were just about to kill yourself, and you won't even tell me why!? You need help, and trust me, I sure tried. If you don't even trust me anymore, who are you going to trust? Certainly not the Counsel, certainly not Azaiea! There is no one in this world that you can turn to, if not me. If you won't tell me, then obviously you don't trust me, and you can just go ahead.'
Kazuhiko took his foot off of the knife, and I took it up once more, bringing it to my wrist. God, I hated it all...
SMACK
I dropped the knife and took several steps back. My right cheek stung. Kazuhiko had struck me. He looked at me in a pained sort of way, and I looked into his eyes for the first time since Sue died. I think that he could sense that our eyes met, because he moved forward and caught me in an embrace. He spoke over my shoulder, right into my ear.
'God, you're so stupid... so stupid...'
I pulled us apart, and held Kazuhiko at arms' length, though only half- heartedly. I raised a hand up from his shoulder, and brought it to my visor, carefully removing it, and looking Kazuhiko eye to eye for the first time that I could remember in a long time. It was the first time, I think, that I had looked anyone eye to eye since I joined the military. I could see his expression change when I dropped the visor on the floor, and crushed them with the heel of my boot.
I looked at Kazuhiko, noting how much more real it was without the visor. It was real. I was seeing him as he was, not as the visor saw him. It saddened me even more when I knew that Ran had never seen me so. It was then that I realized why Kazuhiko looked at me the way he did; I felt the sting of tears, coming for the first time in my recollection.
'Sorry I didn't do that sooner...'
'You'll tell me?'
'Kazuhiko, look at me. I know if you look hard enough, you'll know.'
I saw him look over me intently, sadness still in his face.
'You're eyes are evergreen... just like Sue's...'
'...Yes.'
' And your hair is silver... like hers. I never noticed that before- wait... Gingetsu... you're...'
'Yes... I am the father that Sue never knew... and I'm sorry...'
There. Now I said it.
And still I hated it all.
§§§§§§§§§