TITLE: Soliloquy: Right

AUTHOR: Eledhwen

PAIRING: SS/HP

RATING: PG-13

FEEDBACK: angel_eledhwen@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER: JKR's, not mine.

SUMMARY: Severus thinks about what he heard.

WARNING: Angst, excessive incoherence. Character death.

NOTES: AU to my 'Sins of the Mother' arc. Companion piece to 'Soliloquy: Wrong', and follows 'Out of Bounds'. Will probably make very little sense unless you've read both of those.

BETA: Godless Harlot

ARCHIVE: Anyone who wants it, just ask.

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I can hear you, did you know that? (Hear you in my heart. My conscience?)

I should not do this. (Never this, not you.) It's wrong, to invade your privacy like this, when I value mine so much, when you were good enough to let me keep it safe (as much as I could, with you). But I had to know. I opened up, and you had no shield. (It was a sign. Ridiculous. Don't believe in signs.) Did you know it was down? Did you simply think that there was no need, that I could not possibly want to know you any longer?

(I want to know you, inside and out.)

Control. I have control. I admit I want, (impossible not to) but I don't need. (Don't need you.) I can do without this. I can do without you. I've done it before, (done it with her, so like you) I can do it again. You're strong, you can do it too. Do so much better than me.

I can hear you. I will not answer (would if I could). Forgive me? (Don't deserve that, you, this.)

//I can't help dreaming of you, did you know that?// I know. (I can see your dreams. See your soul. See you, in my soul.)

//Would you care, if you knew? Do you care about me?// I care. I care too much. I'm not safe, not right, not good. (Never was, never will be, never can.) I know, I care. I will not do. (Not do what I want, you want.)

//Hold me touch me soothe me love me.// No. I won't. (I want. It's all I want. You.)

//Lie to me. // I will. I have. Whatever's good, (not good) whatever's right. What will save you. (Let me save you, save you from me.)

//Do you cry?// Don't. Won't. Can't let myself cry for you, cry for what's right, crying over spilled milk. (Deny you, lie to you, save you from crying.)

//Is it?// It's me. There, behind you, watching you, protecting you. (Loving you.) It's all I can do. All I can give you. (Only gift you'll ever get from me.) Understand? (Please understand.)

//Maybe you're allowing yourself a little of something that pleases you?// Too insightful, too deluded. (Mine.) Don't let yourself see that. (You know me too well.) Don't understand me. Dangerous. Understand that I'm weak. I let myself have this, convince myself. (Convince you, I need to.)

//Something that suddenly you find you can't do without.// I can't do without you, not be whole and hearted alone. (So hard to find, to accept.) I will, though. Who needs a heart? Let it shatter, let it snap, leave me cold and black and ashes once more. (My Harry, even in ruin you'd be beautiful, let me break you, show you. It's for your good.)

//No.// (Yes.) Deny it, hide it. (Hide myself from you, you from me. Safe.)

//You might just consent to use me as a replacement.// (You.) The thought makes me laugh. You could never be just a replacement. It heartens me, though, that I can make you believe. (Believe that, maybe it will save you. Need to save you.) Not lost your edge, have you Severus? Not lost the agony and the memory and skill. (Too damn good at being bad. Hateful, hurtful. That's me.)

//I just want you to love me. Love me? Would you love me if I begged?// I wouldn't, I couldn't, I won't. (Love you too much already.) Don't beg, (it might break me if you begged) you're more wondrous this way. (Wondrous any way. I'd love you anyway.)

//It's…sick.// Yes. Sick, insane. (Anything so that you can be free. Free from me. Free me from you.) This is crazy (crazy for you).

//I hope I hurt you.// Hurt me so much. (I hurt you.) Less than I deserve. (Don't deserve this.)

//Can I hate you?// Hate me. (Please don't hate me, I couldn't bear it if you did.) That's why I'm doing this after all. Drive you away, keep you (me, us) safe. You're in danger when you're in love. (Always in danger, keep you safe. Keep you close and secure and mine, always mine. Never.) Learn the lesson I did. (Learn from my mistake. New dog, old tricks.)

//Did you believe me?// Don't make me laugh. (You made me laugh, first time, forever.) Of course you hated me, (how could you not?) perhaps you believed that you didn't. (Don't make me laugh, too easy to love.) Maybe that could make me happy. (Don't deserve that. Not made to be happy. Don't deserve you.)

//I think I never truly understood you at all.// (All too well.) I was not made to be understood. (Arrogance.)

//Which was the lie?// Silly boy, I am the lie. I know nothing but lies. Truth is too good for me. (Not good enough for you.)

//Or maybe that you don't love me?// Don't see it. (I love you.) Take my lie as truth and make it yours. (Always yours, hers, yours.)

//Would it be a victory for you?// My victory, your safety. (Do you see?)

//nothing simple about you and me// True, too true. (Why can't you ever be simple, be easy, be ordinary?)

//Do I love you?// Surely not. (Surely do.)

//Not even love can make you handsome.// See? I'm no good. (Not good enough for you.) See that, start there. See me, damaged, ugly, unworthy. (She didn't want me, why should you?)

//Not at all.// Liar. (Lie to me.) I'll teach you to lie so well. (My example, show you a lie that's true.)

//Cruel to be kind?// Always, only way. (My cruelty is my kindness.)

//Were you searching for the one thing that would drive me away?// Yes. Did I? (Could I would I should I why?)

//Do you know what the word means?// She was my truth. You are my truth. (All that matters).

//I love you.// Don't say that (not to me). Don't even think it. (He might hear.) Save it for someone else. (Someone beautiful.)

//Were you trying to protect me?// (Always.) What else would I do, could I do? (Save you, protect you, hold you, never love you. Too late.)

//Would you like to love me?// Why ask? You know the answer. Never, forever. (I love you.)

//Or were you trying?// I was trying. Trying so hard (to keep you safe). What else am I here for, trying for, loving for?

//You didn't even want to try.// I wanted. (No need to try, I know. Too far in already to try.) I'm too good a liar, my Harry. I lie to him, and to you and to me. I'll twist and turn and writhe. Mangle the truth (my true skill) until everything but you is the lie. (My truth.)

//Am I still lying to myself?// Lie to myself (good practice) so I can lie to you so true. Convince yourself. (What you believe is true.)

//Do I really love you?// Of course not. You, love me? Laughable. I laugh. (You made me laugh again.)

//Was I wrong?// Wrong to try (wrong to cry). Wrong to love me. You can make it right. Walk away (leave me). Save yourself (destroy me).

//I'm wrong. You're wrong. We're wrong.// Yes. (Revelation, realisation. Wrong.) Believe it.

//Walk away, forget this (forget you), build my life.// You could do that, make it right, make it good. (Let me remember.)

(What have I done to you, my Harry? Can I change it, make it better?)

Be strong. What you want to do will be wrong.

I made my choice. The only choice. The right choice. Right.

(Wrong.)

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From Great Wizards and Their Lives, Volume III Chapter Seven: Harry Potter (Severus Snape, Hermione Granger)

Severus Snape stood in the Death Eater ranks in the final battle against Voldemort, and killed several of them while acting as their ally. Finally, he was distracted by the Cruciatus curse that the Dark Lord cast on Harry Potter, and was killed by an Auror who was unable to distinguish him from the other masked wizards. The shock of his death allowed Harry the strength to break the hold of the curse, and kill Voldemort.

Harry Potter was once more the saviour of the wizarding world, but was sadly driven insane by the death of his bondmate. He was admitted to St. Mungo's hospital after the battle and remained there until his death twelve years later. He was forty years old.

Their fortunes, along with many others, went to rebuild Hogwarts, of which Hermione Weasley1 was made the new Headmistress.

1 see Great Wizarding Families: Volume VI Chapter Eighteen: Weasley