A/N: Thanks for the reviews hoes! And wow - Anonymous... that wasn't a flame! I'm almost disappointed in you...
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL
SCENE: THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (REMEMBER THE DRAGON?). THERE IS WALL RUBBLE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. PIPER LOOKS AT IT DISDAINFULLY.
PIPER: Oh now look at the mess in here!
SHE PICKS UP A BRICK AND STARTS TO REBUILD THE WALL.
DRAGON: Excuse me.
PHOEBE: What do you want?
DRAGON: Hello! I'm the demon here!
PIPER: You struck me more as a dragon-
DRAGON: Shut up! My name is JD!
PRUE: Meaning...
JD: JadeDragon of course!
PAUSE.
PRUE: How... inventive.
JD: Yeah, there's some numbers after it. Like... The Second or something.
PIPER: Not good enough to be the first, huh?
JD: *changing subject* Will you please act scared!?!
PAUSE.
ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JD: That's more like it!
THE DRAGON MORPHS INTO A MORE SIZABLE HUMAN FORM. THROUGH THE GAPING HOLE IN THE WALL, TWO MORE DEMONS MAKE THEIR WAY INSIDE. ONE IS CLEARLY RECOGNISABLE AS-
STEPH: That's right! I'm back!
... STEPH. WELL WOO HOO. NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS, IT'S GREAT THAT SHE'S HERE...
PHOEBE: I thought you were all paralysed on our doorstep.
PRUE: Yeah, I was getting used to stepping over the blood.
PIPER: Shame, really.
STEPH: Well I got better. I'm now fully posable!
DEMON1: *clears throat* *whiney voice* Steph!
STEPH: All right, all right. This is Vince. He's gonna attack you in the new series of Char-
KT RUNS ON AND SLAPS STEPH.
KT: I KNEW you were the wrong person to spoil! Stupid fat loser. Why don't you tell everyone everything that happens in the new series? I'm never spoiling you again. EVER.
KT EXITS. STEPH LOOKS UPSET.
STEPH: I'm not fat, am I?
VINCE: I think the main thing is the fact that I, the adorable Vince, am here.
JD: Excuse me - I'M the one crashing in here!
STEPH: Learn to share!
THE CHARMEDED ONES EXCHANGE GLANCES.
PAIGE: Get out.
PRUE: Yeah Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hey! She meant the demons!
VINCE: Did not.
PHOEBE: Did too!
STEPH: Did not.
PHOEBE: I'm Phoebe! You can't defy me!
BAM! TWO MORE DEMONS ENTER FROM THE HALLWAY. THEY SEEM TO BE FAMILIAR... AS IF WE'VE SEEN THEM BEFORE...
DEMON1:
VINCE: Hey - I'M Demon1.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HADN'T BEEN INTRODUCED YET, VINCE!
VINCE: I don't care. I want to be BOTH.
VINCE POUTS. OH, FINE. YOU LITTLE BUGGER.
DEMON2: What was I gonna say? Oh yeah - you HAVE seen us before! It's me, X!
PHOEBE: It's Sex! Sex the demon! Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex...
X: Yeah... well, X-Moonchik to be exact, and spelt correctly this time KT.
KT(OS): Ahem... yeah, sorry.
X: But call me Moony. Phor phun, Phoebe ph-style.
ALL LOOK AT MOONY IN DISGUST.
DEMON3: And I'm Quistis. Remember? I used to teach people all about your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. Then YOU-
QUISTIS GLARES AT THE FEEBS.
QUISTIS: You, mother trucker, made that mother trucking website and ruined me. RUINED! So, as it happens, I am no longer an instructor, nor do I teach. But when I did, oh, Lordy, were those days grand. Do you remember, Pixie-
PHOEBE: It's Phoebe.
QUISTIS: Whatever, Pixie, do you remember all that time ago when I kicked your ass? My students, after failing mostly at the simple task of taking you down, wanted me to prove that my theories, plans and ideas actually were fool-proof. Turns out they weren't, and I got vanquished alongside the rest of the goons that were the demons last season. Since then, I escaped from demon limbo, hung around dumpsters surviving on apple cores and sludge from the Manhatten Sludge Pits, and building up my strength killing rats and cats with no legs. And now, at christmas, I have returned to claim my revenge!
QUISTIS FINALLY SHUTS THE HELL UP TO SEE EVERYBODY HAS FALLEN ASLEEP.
QUISTIS: WAKE THE PAIGE UP!
PHOEBE: Oh... what happened? *sees Quistis* Oh right. I see you still do that thing where you never stop talking.
QUISTIS: But I'm interesting... aren't I?
PAIGE: You're about as interesting as a lime on a pogo stick.
PIPER: Wow! A lime on a pogo stick? That IS interesting!
PAUSE.
PAIGE: Damn.
MOONY: Heh, loser.
VINCE: Excuse me, I'd like some attention now.
JD: Hey - this is MY turn to attack the Charmeded Ones! You've all been before-
VINCE: I haven't! Yet...
STEPH: SILENCE!
SILENCE. EVERYBODY LOOKS AT STEPH, FRIGHTENED. STEPH LOOKS BACK, ABASHED.
STEPH: Uh... okay, this is awkward... start talking again.
JD: Well I've had enough of this. I'm outta here. You all suck!
JD TURNS INTO THE DRAGON, KNOCKS THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK (WHICH WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM) OVER AND SHATTERS IT, AND STOMPS OUT.
PIPER: *tearful* The clock!
KIT ENTERS.
KIT: I have a confession. Sometimes I wish I was a dog.
ALL GASP. KIT EXITS. FOLLOWED BY A LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.
PHOEBE: *whispered* This is just like that time Prue became a man-
PIPER: Shhh! This isn't the time!
PIPER ELBOWS PHOEBE IN THE SIDE, AND THE SILENCE IS RESUMED. THEN:
QUISTIS: Well. Anyways. As I was saying...
ALL GROAN.
PHOEBE: All right, that's it. I've vanquished you before, and I'll do it again.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: No, it was me who you vanquished.
ALL TURN AND GASP.
P3: Siamese?!?
PAIGE: Sia-who?
PRUE: Shh! Look at your stoopid hair!
SIAMESE: That's right. It is I, Siamese, the demon who didn't come to kill you but simply liked the show. And how did you repay me? You vanquished my sorry ass!
PHOEBE: I didn't mean to vanquish you! I only wanted a hug!
PRUE: Yeah, Siamese, I don't blame you for imploding like that. If Phoebe tried to touch me, I'd rather kill myself. Don't worry about it.
SIAMESE: I guess... but I'm leaving now, just in case.
PIPER: But you've hardly been here.
SIAMESE: But Phoebe is staring at me creepily. I think she's gonna go for another hug and... ew, I don't wanna be a part of that!
PHOEBE STORMS OUT.
SIAMESE: Like I care. Well, until Phoebe apologises for her abysmal behaviour, make mine Charmeded!
PHOEBE ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Look, I'm sorry I left like that, it really was...
PRUE: Abysmal behaviour?
PHOEBE: Right.
SIAMESE: Noooooooo vanquished by Phoebe agaiiiiiiiin!
SIAMESE BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND - YOU GUESSED IT - DISAPPEARS. SHAME.
MOONY: La la la lesbium.
PHOEBE: Yes?
MOONY: Ick. SO how's Piper's prob...
PIPER IS GLARING AT MOONY.
MOONY: Bit. Probit.
PIPER: Yeah you better be afraid of me, poor sweet fool.
PHOEBE: Moony, can I make love to you like I've never made love to you before?
MOONY: No! I'm with Jenni!
MOONY EXPLODES.
PHOEBE: I've vanquished another demon!
PRUE: Man, Charmeded IS different from Charmed!
BA BOOM CHAA. A WARLOCK ENTERS. YES, A WARLOCK AND NOT A DEMON. DEMONS ARE BETTER THAN WARLOCKS.
WARLOCK: Bwa ha ha ha ha.
PAIGE: Who the paige is this schmuck?
WARLOCK: I think you suck! I think you rule! You suck! You rule!
ALL: Ha ha ha ha ha... ha...
WARLOCK: I am Rayefire!
PRUE: Ohmigosh! It's that HILARIOUS person-type-thingy from ffn!
ALL: *disbelieving* Noooo!
RAYEFIRE: That's right! It is I!
PIPER: Oh, oh, she's too funny for me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
KT(OS): Yes, it's too funny for the likes of Charmeded. HA HA HA. And ha!
RAYEFIRE: Are you taking the piss?
PAIGE STARTS TO ESCORT RAYEFIRE TO THE DOOR.
PAIGE: Oh, absolutely not! You just are too funny, and in your presence, people can't help but laugh. It's just pure unadulterated talent! Bye now!
SHE SHOVES RAYEFIRE OUTSIDE AND COMES BACK THROUGH. PAUSE.
QUISTIS: This show really isn't going anywhere, is it?
BAM! TWO DEMONS JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW.
AUDIENCE: What window?
... SHUT UP.
DEMON67: Bam! It's me, Klah! How dare I be unincluded from this! I'm the best one! And I brought Mari with me too.
MARI: I don't even want to be here.
MARI LEAVES.
KLAH: So, what's going on?
KLAH SLAPS EVERYONE.
PRUE: Look, this is getting ridiculous. I'm gonna get to doing some impromptu vanquishing.
PRUE TK'S QUISTIS OUT OF THE WINDOW.
PRUE: Bam!
PAIGE: I'm gonna take out Klah!
KLAH: Oh puh-lease! As if a pithy little pasty-faced lesbium like you could hurt the Great me?
PAIGE: Soon to be the Late Great, missy!
KLAH RUNS UP TO PAIGE AND PUNCHES HER. BAM! RIGHT IN THE CHIN! SMIRKING, KLAH STARTS TO PULL HER FIST AWAY BUT...
KLAH: What the paige is happening! My hand is stuck!
PAIGE: Aww, Klah, did you forget my chin is like a vortex? You're finished, baybay. You're gonna get sucked right in there and you're never coming out.
KLAH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KLAH IS, AS PAIGE TOLD US (AND DEMONSTRATED SEVERAL TIMES) SUCKED INTO PAIGE'S CHIN... NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN (THANK AP?)
PIPER: Bam!
PAIGE... ORBS OUT THEN IN AGAIN.
PAIGE: ... Bam?
PHOEBE VANQUISHES HERSELF.
ALL: Woohoo!
PRUE: Okay, demon count. Steph, Vince, you two live too long.
LEO ORBS IN AND COLE SHIMMERS IN.
LEO: Yo.
COLE: Word.
PIPER: Hey. This is the first time my beloved hubby has been in this. I'd rather it was the way it was before. Without him.
COLE AND LEO MORPH TOGETHER INTO THE SAME PERSON - COLEO!
COLEO: Well, you'll be happy to know that I'm actually a demon. I can separate myself and coincidentally, I can be Cole and Leo. Cos I'm convenient like that. Paige, stop humping my leg!
PAIGE GOES RED AND LETS GO.
VINCE: Hump mine!
PAIGE: Ew.
PIPER: Okay, too much.
SHE BLOWS UP COLEO AND VINCE.
PIPER: Idiums.
STEPH: Yep, those people are really-
STEPH WOULD SAY MORE, BUT SHE IS SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY A TIGER.
PRUE: Gotta lubb random appearances from jungle creatures.
TIGER: *pausing in slashing up Steph* Some call me Tiger. Some call me Tiger-X. Some call me Countertiger-X.
PIPER: And some can't be bothered.
STEPH: Get off me please.
PRUE: Yeah, I'm trying to get rid of Steph.
TIGER: But I'm a tiger! How often do you see something like this?
PAIGE: There was a dragon in here a few minutes ago.
PAUSE.
TIGER: She always has to cross the line, doesn't she?
PIPER: Usually, Paige is so far over the line, she can't see it anymore.
TIGER: I see... ooh! A mouse!
THE MOUSE THAT GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING LAST PART IS SKULKING ABOUT, AND SEES HE'S BEING STARED AT.
PAUSE.
MOUSE: Eep.
BAM! THE MOUSE IS RUNNING LIKE THE GODDAMN WIND WITH TIGER HOT ON HIS HEELS. THEY BOTH EXIT OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
PIPER: I'm not sure if we should fix that wall. It's such a handy entrance and exit.
PAUSE.
PRUE: So I'm up for beating Steph.
STEPH: Please don't kill me!
PRUE: Aww. We'd never kill you. I'm just gonna TK you around a bit then put you back on our front door step.
STEPH: Woohoo!
PRUE TK'S STEPH INTO THE CEILING, WALLS, FLOOR, DOORS, THE BROKEN GRANDFATHER CLOCK, PAIGE, PIPER, THE TOASTER, THE FLOOR AGAIN, SOME KNIVES... THEN TK'S HER OUTSIDE ONTO THE GROUND UNDER THE WINDOW WHERE SHE LAST FELL OUT.
STEPH(OS): Oh the memories!
PHOEBE ENTERS.
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:
SMASH CUT TO:
BLACK.
VOICE OVER GUY: What the paige! Another damn cliffhanger!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Well, you'll be happy to know the concluding part is up tomorrow. Oh the joys, huh?
VOICE OVER GUY: Indubitably.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Is that even a word?
KT: Who knows?
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL
SCENE: THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (REMEMBER THE DRAGON?). THERE IS WALL RUBBLE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. PIPER LOOKS AT IT DISDAINFULLY.
PIPER: Oh now look at the mess in here!
SHE PICKS UP A BRICK AND STARTS TO REBUILD THE WALL.
DRAGON: Excuse me.
PHOEBE: What do you want?
DRAGON: Hello! I'm the demon here!
PIPER: You struck me more as a dragon-
DRAGON: Shut up! My name is JD!
PRUE: Meaning...
JD: JadeDragon of course!
PAUSE.
PRUE: How... inventive.
JD: Yeah, there's some numbers after it. Like... The Second or something.
PIPER: Not good enough to be the first, huh?
JD: *changing subject* Will you please act scared!?!
PAUSE.
ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JD: That's more like it!
THE DRAGON MORPHS INTO A MORE SIZABLE HUMAN FORM. THROUGH THE GAPING HOLE IN THE WALL, TWO MORE DEMONS MAKE THEIR WAY INSIDE. ONE IS CLEARLY RECOGNISABLE AS-
STEPH: That's right! I'm back!
... STEPH. WELL WOO HOO. NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS, IT'S GREAT THAT SHE'S HERE...
PHOEBE: I thought you were all paralysed on our doorstep.
PRUE: Yeah, I was getting used to stepping over the blood.
PIPER: Shame, really.
STEPH: Well I got better. I'm now fully posable!
DEMON1: *clears throat* *whiney voice* Steph!
STEPH: All right, all right. This is Vince. He's gonna attack you in the new series of Char-
KT RUNS ON AND SLAPS STEPH.
KT: I KNEW you were the wrong person to spoil! Stupid fat loser. Why don't you tell everyone everything that happens in the new series? I'm never spoiling you again. EVER.
KT EXITS. STEPH LOOKS UPSET.
STEPH: I'm not fat, am I?
VINCE: I think the main thing is the fact that I, the adorable Vince, am here.
JD: Excuse me - I'M the one crashing in here!
STEPH: Learn to share!
THE CHARMEDED ONES EXCHANGE GLANCES.
PAIGE: Get out.
PRUE: Yeah Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hey! She meant the demons!
VINCE: Did not.
PHOEBE: Did too!
STEPH: Did not.
PHOEBE: I'm Phoebe! You can't defy me!
BAM! TWO MORE DEMONS ENTER FROM THE HALLWAY. THEY SEEM TO BE FAMILIAR... AS IF WE'VE SEEN THEM BEFORE...
DEMON1:
VINCE: Hey - I'M Demon1.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HADN'T BEEN INTRODUCED YET, VINCE!
VINCE: I don't care. I want to be BOTH.
VINCE POUTS. OH, FINE. YOU LITTLE BUGGER.
DEMON2: What was I gonna say? Oh yeah - you HAVE seen us before! It's me, X!
PHOEBE: It's Sex! Sex the demon! Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex...
X: Yeah... well, X-Moonchik to be exact, and spelt correctly this time KT.
KT(OS): Ahem... yeah, sorry.
X: But call me Moony. Phor phun, Phoebe ph-style.
ALL LOOK AT MOONY IN DISGUST.
DEMON3: And I'm Quistis. Remember? I used to teach people all about your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. Then YOU-
QUISTIS GLARES AT THE FEEBS.
QUISTIS: You, mother trucker, made that mother trucking website and ruined me. RUINED! So, as it happens, I am no longer an instructor, nor do I teach. But when I did, oh, Lordy, were those days grand. Do you remember, Pixie-
PHOEBE: It's Phoebe.
QUISTIS: Whatever, Pixie, do you remember all that time ago when I kicked your ass? My students, after failing mostly at the simple task of taking you down, wanted me to prove that my theories, plans and ideas actually were fool-proof. Turns out they weren't, and I got vanquished alongside the rest of the goons that were the demons last season. Since then, I escaped from demon limbo, hung around dumpsters surviving on apple cores and sludge from the Manhatten Sludge Pits, and building up my strength killing rats and cats with no legs. And now, at christmas, I have returned to claim my revenge!
QUISTIS FINALLY SHUTS THE HELL UP TO SEE EVERYBODY HAS FALLEN ASLEEP.
QUISTIS: WAKE THE PAIGE UP!
PHOEBE: Oh... what happened? *sees Quistis* Oh right. I see you still do that thing where you never stop talking.
QUISTIS: But I'm interesting... aren't I?
PAIGE: You're about as interesting as a lime on a pogo stick.
PIPER: Wow! A lime on a pogo stick? That IS interesting!
PAUSE.
PAIGE: Damn.
MOONY: Heh, loser.
VINCE: Excuse me, I'd like some attention now.
JD: Hey - this is MY turn to attack the Charmeded Ones! You've all been before-
VINCE: I haven't! Yet...
STEPH: SILENCE!
SILENCE. EVERYBODY LOOKS AT STEPH, FRIGHTENED. STEPH LOOKS BACK, ABASHED.
STEPH: Uh... okay, this is awkward... start talking again.
JD: Well I've had enough of this. I'm outta here. You all suck!
JD TURNS INTO THE DRAGON, KNOCKS THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK (WHICH WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM) OVER AND SHATTERS IT, AND STOMPS OUT.
PIPER: *tearful* The clock!
KIT ENTERS.
KIT: I have a confession. Sometimes I wish I was a dog.
ALL GASP. KIT EXITS. FOLLOWED BY A LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.
PHOEBE: *whispered* This is just like that time Prue became a man-
PIPER: Shhh! This isn't the time!
PIPER ELBOWS PHOEBE IN THE SIDE, AND THE SILENCE IS RESUMED. THEN:
QUISTIS: Well. Anyways. As I was saying...
ALL GROAN.
PHOEBE: All right, that's it. I've vanquished you before, and I'll do it again.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: No, it was me who you vanquished.
ALL TURN AND GASP.
P3: Siamese?!?
PAIGE: Sia-who?
PRUE: Shh! Look at your stoopid hair!
SIAMESE: That's right. It is I, Siamese, the demon who didn't come to kill you but simply liked the show. And how did you repay me? You vanquished my sorry ass!
PHOEBE: I didn't mean to vanquish you! I only wanted a hug!
PRUE: Yeah, Siamese, I don't blame you for imploding like that. If Phoebe tried to touch me, I'd rather kill myself. Don't worry about it.
SIAMESE: I guess... but I'm leaving now, just in case.
PIPER: But you've hardly been here.
SIAMESE: But Phoebe is staring at me creepily. I think she's gonna go for another hug and... ew, I don't wanna be a part of that!
PHOEBE STORMS OUT.
SIAMESE: Like I care. Well, until Phoebe apologises for her abysmal behaviour, make mine Charmeded!
PHOEBE ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Look, I'm sorry I left like that, it really was...
PRUE: Abysmal behaviour?
PHOEBE: Right.
SIAMESE: Noooooooo vanquished by Phoebe agaiiiiiiiin!
SIAMESE BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND - YOU GUESSED IT - DISAPPEARS. SHAME.
MOONY: La la la lesbium.
PHOEBE: Yes?
MOONY: Ick. SO how's Piper's prob...
PIPER IS GLARING AT MOONY.
MOONY: Bit. Probit.
PIPER: Yeah you better be afraid of me, poor sweet fool.
PHOEBE: Moony, can I make love to you like I've never made love to you before?
MOONY: No! I'm with Jenni!
MOONY EXPLODES.
PHOEBE: I've vanquished another demon!
PRUE: Man, Charmeded IS different from Charmed!
BA BOOM CHAA. A WARLOCK ENTERS. YES, A WARLOCK AND NOT A DEMON. DEMONS ARE BETTER THAN WARLOCKS.
WARLOCK: Bwa ha ha ha ha.
PAIGE: Who the paige is this schmuck?
WARLOCK: I think you suck! I think you rule! You suck! You rule!
ALL: Ha ha ha ha ha... ha...
WARLOCK: I am Rayefire!
PRUE: Ohmigosh! It's that HILARIOUS person-type-thingy from ffn!
ALL: *disbelieving* Noooo!
RAYEFIRE: That's right! It is I!
PIPER: Oh, oh, she's too funny for me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
KT(OS): Yes, it's too funny for the likes of Charmeded. HA HA HA. And ha!
RAYEFIRE: Are you taking the piss?
PAIGE STARTS TO ESCORT RAYEFIRE TO THE DOOR.
PAIGE: Oh, absolutely not! You just are too funny, and in your presence, people can't help but laugh. It's just pure unadulterated talent! Bye now!
SHE SHOVES RAYEFIRE OUTSIDE AND COMES BACK THROUGH. PAUSE.
QUISTIS: This show really isn't going anywhere, is it?
BAM! TWO DEMONS JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW.
AUDIENCE: What window?
... SHUT UP.
DEMON67: Bam! It's me, Klah! How dare I be unincluded from this! I'm the best one! And I brought Mari with me too.
MARI: I don't even want to be here.
MARI LEAVES.
KLAH: So, what's going on?
KLAH SLAPS EVERYONE.
PRUE: Look, this is getting ridiculous. I'm gonna get to doing some impromptu vanquishing.
PRUE TK'S QUISTIS OUT OF THE WINDOW.
PRUE: Bam!
PAIGE: I'm gonna take out Klah!
KLAH: Oh puh-lease! As if a pithy little pasty-faced lesbium like you could hurt the Great me?
PAIGE: Soon to be the Late Great, missy!
KLAH RUNS UP TO PAIGE AND PUNCHES HER. BAM! RIGHT IN THE CHIN! SMIRKING, KLAH STARTS TO PULL HER FIST AWAY BUT...
KLAH: What the paige is happening! My hand is stuck!
PAIGE: Aww, Klah, did you forget my chin is like a vortex? You're finished, baybay. You're gonna get sucked right in there and you're never coming out.
KLAH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KLAH IS, AS PAIGE TOLD US (AND DEMONSTRATED SEVERAL TIMES) SUCKED INTO PAIGE'S CHIN... NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN (THANK AP?)
PIPER: Bam!
PAIGE... ORBS OUT THEN IN AGAIN.
PAIGE: ... Bam?
PHOEBE VANQUISHES HERSELF.
ALL: Woohoo!
PRUE: Okay, demon count. Steph, Vince, you two live too long.
LEO ORBS IN AND COLE SHIMMERS IN.
LEO: Yo.
COLE: Word.
PIPER: Hey. This is the first time my beloved hubby has been in this. I'd rather it was the way it was before. Without him.
COLE AND LEO MORPH TOGETHER INTO THE SAME PERSON - COLEO!
COLEO: Well, you'll be happy to know that I'm actually a demon. I can separate myself and coincidentally, I can be Cole and Leo. Cos I'm convenient like that. Paige, stop humping my leg!
PAIGE GOES RED AND LETS GO.
VINCE: Hump mine!
PAIGE: Ew.
PIPER: Okay, too much.
SHE BLOWS UP COLEO AND VINCE.
PIPER: Idiums.
STEPH: Yep, those people are really-
STEPH WOULD SAY MORE, BUT SHE IS SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY A TIGER.
PRUE: Gotta lubb random appearances from jungle creatures.
TIGER: *pausing in slashing up Steph* Some call me Tiger. Some call me Tiger-X. Some call me Countertiger-X.
PIPER: And some can't be bothered.
STEPH: Get off me please.
PRUE: Yeah, I'm trying to get rid of Steph.
TIGER: But I'm a tiger! How often do you see something like this?
PAIGE: There was a dragon in here a few minutes ago.
PAUSE.
TIGER: She always has to cross the line, doesn't she?
PIPER: Usually, Paige is so far over the line, she can't see it anymore.
TIGER: I see... ooh! A mouse!
THE MOUSE THAT GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING LAST PART IS SKULKING ABOUT, AND SEES HE'S BEING STARED AT.
PAUSE.
MOUSE: Eep.
BAM! THE MOUSE IS RUNNING LIKE THE GODDAMN WIND WITH TIGER HOT ON HIS HEELS. THEY BOTH EXIT OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
PIPER: I'm not sure if we should fix that wall. It's such a handy entrance and exit.
PAUSE.
PRUE: So I'm up for beating Steph.
STEPH: Please don't kill me!
PRUE: Aww. We'd never kill you. I'm just gonna TK you around a bit then put you back on our front door step.
STEPH: Woohoo!
PRUE TK'S STEPH INTO THE CEILING, WALLS, FLOOR, DOORS, THE BROKEN GRANDFATHER CLOCK, PAIGE, PIPER, THE TOASTER, THE FLOOR AGAIN, SOME KNIVES... THEN TK'S HER OUTSIDE ONTO THE GROUND UNDER THE WINDOW WHERE SHE LAST FELL OUT.
STEPH(OS): Oh the memories!
PHOEBE ENTERS.
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:
SMASH CUT TO:
BLACK.
VOICE OVER GUY: What the paige! Another damn cliffhanger!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Well, you'll be happy to know the concluding part is up tomorrow. Oh the joys, huh?
VOICE OVER GUY: Indubitably.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Is that even a word?
KT: Who knows?