A/N: To Anonymous - aww! You lubbed Lierre too! Maybe you're not as ebil as we all thought... just for you, I'll beat Steph one more time. Or maybe twice.
A/N: The part about Chihuahuas is taken from dogbreedinfo.com in case you're THAT interested. It's a real quote from the website, I only went there to find out how to spell chihuahua, but I got a whole lot more than I bargained for with the quote from the 'paige' that Phoebe says. It was too damn funny. You'll see when you get there.
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL
COLE(VO): Previously on ACCC.
KITCHEN. PHOEBE ENTERS.
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:
SMASH CUT TO:
BLACK.
FADE IN:
SCENE: - CONTINUOUS.
PAIGE CLAMPS HER HAND TO HER CHIN IN SHOCK.
PHOEBE: Nah, I'm not dead.
PIPER: Fair enough.
PAIGE: Uh oh...
SHE'S STARTED TO SWALLOW HERSELF THROUGH HER CHIN... AGAIN.
PAIGE: AP dammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!
SHE DISAPPEARS INTO HER OWN FACE. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT. WHAT A PARTY TRICK!
PRUE: Now that's entertainment.
TWO MORE FRIGGIN DEMONS ENTER. IS THIS GETTING OLD TO ANY OF YOU? WELL, THERE IS ONE DEMON AND ONE WENDIGO.
WENDIGO: I am Wendigo Piper!
PIPER: I'M Piper!
WENDIGO: Fine... Wendigo Scotlum.
PAUSE. PIPER GOES OVER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF WENDIGO SCOTLUM FOR STEALING A CHARACTER IDEA TYPE THINGIES. OH WELL.
WENDIGO: Owchies.
PIPER: I'M the wendigo around here!
PIPER TURNS INTO A WENDIGO AND BOUNDS OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Okay...
DEMON98567349: What about me?
PRUE: What about you, Mister Demon Number Nine Million, Five Hundred and Sixty-Seven, Three Hundred and Forty-Nine?
DEMON98567349: Oh, excuse me. Let me introduce myself. I am Trunks Ichijouji.
SILENCE.
PIPER: Uh, excuse me?
PHOEBE: *to Piper* Hey! When did you turn back into a human from a wendigo and come back inside?
PIPER STARES AT PHOEBE.
PIPER: That never happened.
TRUNKS: Yes, I am Trunks Ichijouji.
PAUSE.
PRUE: I'm sorry, what?
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PRUE: Could you repeat that?
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PIPER: One more time.
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PRUE: Okay, just the second part.
TRUNKS: What, Ichijouji?
PAUSE.
PRUE: Never mind.
PHOEBE: Will you two quit bothering Trunks Ichijouji?
PRUE AND PIPER STARE AT PHOEBE, DUMBFOUNDED.
PHOEBE: What?
TRUNKS: ... You all suck, you know that?
PIPER: Yes, yes we do.
TRUNKS SLAPS PIPER, THEN PHOEBE. SHE'S ABOUT TO GO FOR PRUE-
PRUE: Don't even think about it.
TRUNKS: Yes sir, ma'am, sorry sir, ma'am, I apologise... I'm so sorry!
PRUE: You better be.
A LITTLE BIRD FLIES IN THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
FALCON: Tweet tweet.
PHOEBE: Aww look at the little birdy!
FALCON: Birdy? Birdy? I ain't no common sparrow! I'm a Falcon!
FALCON FLIES UP, SWOOPS OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD, AND CRAPS ON HER GOOD. REAL GOOD.
PHOEBE: Well I never.
PRUE: Awww... what a good bir- uh, Falcon!
PRUE HOLDS OUT HER ARM AND FALCON LANDS ON IT.
FALCON: Tweet tweet.
PIPER BLOWS FALCON UP.
PRUE: Piper! You killed Falcon!
PIPER: I was aiming for you.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Well she was short-lived.
WENDIGO: It's kinda poetic, really.
ALL GLARE AT WENDIGO. PAIGE ENTERS.
PIPER: Time for a good ol' Power of Three vanquish?
PAIGE: What about me?
PRUE: Move aside, lollipop-head.
THE THREE ORIGINAL SISTERS HOLD HANDS.
WENDIGO: Oh my sweet, sweet Astral Prue! You guys ARE lesbiums! I gotta write this down!
SHE TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND PEN AND STARTS TO SCRIBBLE.
WENDIGO: Oh KT will love this... *writes* 'Piper put her hand inside Prue's...'
PIPER: Hey, ew!
WENDIGO: *writing* 'Phoebe rested her head between her sister's...'
KT(OS): Legs!
PHOEBE: Actually that's kinda apt. I wish I could!
ALL STARE AT PHOEBE. THEN THE STARE AT WENDIGO. LONG HARD SILENCE.
WENDIGO: Okay, okay, I'm leaving! Sheesh...
WENDIGO LEAVES. RAYEFIRE ENTERS.
RAYEFIRE: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
VINCE SHIMMERS IN.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
PIPER: Hey - we just killed you!
VINCE: THAT ISN'T AN AWKWARD SILENCE, BITCHOS!
PRUE: Oh quiet, you.
PRUE BLOWS VINCE UP. AS WELL AS PAIGE.
SILENCE.
PRUE: Um... okay. Piper I caught your power.
PHOEBE: But they only travel as an STD...
DISGUSTED PAUSE. PIPER AND PRUE LOOK DECIDELY SHIFTIER THAN USUAL. PAIGE ENTERS.
PAIGE: Sup?
EVEN MORE DISGUSTED PAUSE. WELL, IT *IS* PAIGE YOU GUYS!
PAUSE.
PRUE: Didn't I just blow her up?
PIPER TAKES PRUE ASIDE.
WENDIGO(OS): OooooOOOOOOOooooooo! Lesbiums!
PRUE AIMS HER POWER TO SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE AND WE HEAR A SCREAM OF PAIN.
PIPER: *to Prue* Paige never dies. AP only knows how many times we've tried to off her.
PRUE: I see...
PAIGE: What're you two whispering about?
PIPER: *to Prue, whispering* Whisper, whisper, whisper.
PRUE: *same* Whisper, whisper, whisper.
PAIGE: Ha ha, very funny.
RAYEFIRE: I think it's funny!
PHOEBE: Well if YOU do then WE do! HA HA HA HA HA!
ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
PRUE: Okay, this is too funny, I can't take it anymore, demon clearout again!
PRUE BASICALLY BEATS RAYEFIRE WITH A SPATULA UNTIL SHE IS A THICK, CREAMY, DELICIOUS PASTE. PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?
PHOEBE: Mmm... paste.
PHOEBE LICKS THE PASTE UP.
PHOEBE: Mmm... tastes like weird.
THERE IS LAUGHTER HEARD FROM OUTSIDE. EVERYBODY LISTENS.
PRUE: What the paige...
THE FOUR CHARMEDED ONES GO TO THE FRONT DOOR TO SEE STEPH, SMOOSHED ON THE DOORSTEP, LAUGHING HER DEMONIC ASS OFF.
PIPER: What the hell are you laughing at?
STEPH: *stops laughing* Oh, I thought Rayefire was still here. *straight-faced, almost threatening* She cracks me up.
EVERYBODY EXCHANGES EXASPERATED GLANCES. PHOEBE GETS THE STILL-COVERED-IN-RAYEFIRE-GOO-SPATULA AND PRISES STEPH UP OFF THE GROUND.
PRUE: Oh, Steph. What're we gonna do with you?
STEPH: Give me a good home and lots of potato and parsnip soup?
PRUE: Oh no. You killed Lierre, see?
STEPH: *sighs* Always with the Lierre...
SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES PRUE'S DEATH GLARE.
STEPH: Uh... it was- uh, to... further... the plot?
PHOEBE: YOU COULDA KILLED ME!!!
STEPH TAKES A NOTE THAT SHE HAS PHOEBE'S PERMISSION TO KILL HER AT ANY GIVEN TIME.
STEPH: Cool.
PRUE: But we're gonna have to beat you to a fine pulp, I hope you realise.
STEPH: I guess, it kinda comes with the territory.
PIPER: What territory?
STEPH: Duh, the front doorstep. Do you know how many people stand on me every day? A lot. A whole lot. And there was a dragon around earlier on. He was trying to look through your letter box. Via standing on me. It wasn't the most pleasant of things.
PRUE: Oh well.
PRUE, PIPER AND PAIGE START BEATING STEPH BACK TO HELL.
ANONYMOUS: Woohp!
THEY ALL STOP. SILENCE.
PRUE: Who said that?
PIPER: Who's there?
PHOEBE: I soiled myself.
ANONYMOUS: It's me.
THERE IS NOBODY THERE.
PRUE: Reveal yourself!
ANONYMOUS: I can't. I'm Anonymous.
PHOEBE IS GIVEN A WEDGIE BY NO ONE. SHE LIKES IT. LIKES IT A LOT.
WENDIGO: You dirty smut-monkey!
PRUE: GET OUT OF HERE YOU PERVERTED FREAK!
PRUE TK'S WENDIGO AWAY. AGAIN.
ANONYMOUS: Well... I'm off. My torch is running low, I need to go and ignite it on more things. Perhaps this story!
THERE IS SILENCE, SO I'M ASSUMING ANONYMOUS LEFT. THEY RESUME BEATING STEPH AGAIN WHILE PHOEBE RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES SCREAMING "CHIHUAHUAS? THAT'S *SICK*!!!" A DEMON ENTERS.
DEMON: I am Neo. I'd say my whole name, but it's spelt weird. This is my Chihuahua, Leo.
THE LITTLE DOG RUNS ABOUT AND YAPS.
PHOEBE: Did you know that the Chihuahua is a tiny dog with an apple-shaped head and a short pointed muzzle? It has round, large, very dark eyes, sometimes dark ruby or luminous in colour. The trademark large ears should be held erect. Puppies have a soft spot or "molera" on the top of the skull. The bone usually closes the gap by adulthood. The body is cobby - meaning stout, longer than it is tall, and the tail is sickle-shaped - curled over the back or to the side. Besides the common short-haired variety there is also a long-haired type. Colours include fawn, sand, chestnut, silver and steel blue, but any colour is accepted, including black and tan and parti-colour. The dog is more robust than he looks, with a level back, and legs coming down straight and square.
PIPER: Apple-shaped head huh? No wonder it's called Leo.
ALL LAUGH AT THE LITTLE APPLE-FACED DOG. WHICH RAISES IT'S LEG ON PHOEBE'S ANKLE.
PAIGE: Can we comment on what Phoebe just said now?
PHOEBE: Sure!
PIPER: Heh, 'apple-shaped'.
WENDIGO: Hehe - 'erect'.
ALL: GET OUT!
WENDIGO: But it's humoral!
WENDIGO RUNS. PAUSE.
PIPER: Humoral?
PAUSE.
PIPER: Let's comment again.
PRUE: I want a dog with luminous eyes!
PAIGE: How did Phoebe learn those big words?
PIPER: How did Phoebe learn ANY words?
PRUE: How many times did KT have to go through that changing all the 'color's to 'colour's?
KT(OS): A few. I liek my spelling, thank you very much.
NEO: Um... I'm taking Leo and going.
NEO TAKES LEO THE DOG *AND* LEO THE APPLE-FACE AND LEAVES.
PIPER: Aw, she stole my husband.
PRUE: Oh well.
PIPER: Okay, before any more stupid shannenigans get underway, let's just bring this to a close. Prue, come and see the christmas tree, okay? Okay. Let's go.
ABANDONING STEPH AND NOT REALLY CARING ABOUT IT, SHE GRABS PRUE AND DRAGS HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM WHERE THERE IS A LOVELY TREE.
PRUE: Hey, it DOES look good! Now to destroy it.
PRUE WALKS UP TO THE TREE, GRABS THE CABLE FROM THE LIGHTS, AND PULLS. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE-
PRUE: How DARE you be so insensitive as to use that phrase in my presence!?!
OH, AP, SORRY!
PRUE: You better be!
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMED TO FIT IN REALLY WELL WITH THE DESCRIPTION OF ALL THE STUFF FLYING EVERYWHERE-
PRUE: I don't care.
SORRY.
PRUE: Good. Now, continue.
RIGHT. ALL HELL BREAKS-
PRUE: What did I just say?
SORRY! UM... THE STUFF FLIES - WELL, IT FLEW EVERYWHERE. THE TREE TOPPLED AND THE LIGHTS WENT OUT. IT WAS A GENERAL MESS IN GENERAL.
PIPER: Prue! What did you just do?
PRUE: What? Because obviously, you're supposed to be Wiccan! You don't celebrate Christmas, which, by the way KT, is spelt with a capital 'C'.
KT(OS): Oh...
PRUE: That's been annoying me throughout this entire 'special'. And besides, I don't want you guys having fun.
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined christmas!
PRUE: What did I say about that capital 'C'?
KT(OS): Sorry.
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined Christmas!
PRUE: That's better. And I did not!
PAIGE: Did too!
PRUE: Did not.
PAIGE: Did too!
PRUE: Did not. Oh wait, actually, yes I did. Ha ha. But it was your fault overall.
PHOEBE: How?
PRUE: You got me a sucky presum!
PIPER: We did?
PRUE: You gave me Paige! What kind of presum is that?
PIPER: We did?
PRUE: Don't you remember? Well, this is your fault that I'm gonna have to call a flashback.
* * * NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FLASHBACK WARNING-O-RAMA! * * *
PIPER: No no no I remember I remember!
* * * CUT FLASHBACK. THANK AP PIPER SAVED US. * * *
PRUE: Well, if you'd care to remember, now I have to smash your throats...ift.
PHOEBE: Yeah I guess so.
BAM! PRUE SMASHES (PUNCHES) PHOEBE IN THE THROAT. PHOEBE DROPS TO THE FLOOR, IMMEDIATELY UNCONSCIOUS.
PRUE: And you too, Paige.
PAIGE: Okay.
BAM! PRUE SMASHES PAIGE IN THE THROAT, AND THAT POOR, SWEET, LITTLE LESBIUM ALSO FLOPS ONTO THE FLOOR, UTTERLY SENSELESS.
PRUE: Ready, Piper?
PIPER: Actually, no.
PRUE: What?
PIPER: I'm sorry, but I'd rather keep my throat intact.
PRUE: Oh, okay, no problem.
PIPER: You kidding?
PRUE: No. You said you'd rather I didn't, and if I did, that's like... abuse or something. I could get arrested! Besides, I wouldn't want to inflict any unwanted pain on you now, would I?
PIPER: Oh Prue, I love you! Looks like Christmas isn't ruined after all!
PRUE: No, it looks like it isn't. Oh, and Piper? When I said I wasn't going to smash in your throat, well, I was lying.
PRUE SMASHES PIPER IN THE THROAT. POOR LITTLE PANPIPER FALLS DOWN, AS UNCONSCIOUS AS AN APPLE WHICH HAS ROTTED INTO THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK. RANDOM COMPARISON.
PRUE: That feels better. Sweet dreams, little sisters of mine. Merry Christmas, merry Christmas. Now I must go back to being dead. For the second time. Oh me.
SHE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.
PRUE: You idiums have a good Christmas or whatever the paige you get up to in the holidays, or I'm setting Phoebe on you!
SHE GRINS, GIVES A CHEESY LITTLE WAVE, AND ORBS OFF.
WE START TO ZOOM OUT SLOWLY, SLOWLY, OVER PHOEBE, PAIGE AND PIPER'S STILL BODIES, OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW/HOLE IN THE WALL, OUT OF THE F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION, AND OVER ONTO THE BOOT-IFUL HORIZON OF SAN FRANCISCO. LOVELY.
ROLL CREDITS.
OPEN ON: CANDID SHOT OF THE CAST.
SHANNEN: We had a lot of fun filming this Charmeded Christmas Carol.
HOLLY: And we'll have even more fun showing you the new series of Charmeded, as soon as it gets re-written.
ALYSSA: I haven't had sex in three days.
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE THE DEMON WALKS PAST.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
INDEED, THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS.
JULIAN: Anyway!
ROSE: I had fun too...
SHANNEN: You don't get to talk!
BRIAN: Okay, calm down Shannen, just read the cards.
ALL: We hope you enjoyed the show, and Merry Christmas-
SHANNEN: With a capital 'C'!
JULIAN: And a happy new year.
HOLLY: And if you don't celebrate Christmas-
BRIAN: Have a great holiday!
ALYSSA: And lots of sex!
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE WALKS PAST... AGAIN.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS... AGAIN.
ROSE: Anyways!
SHANNEN: Quiet, you! Look at your dumb hair!
ALL: So... for the final time, Merry Christmas!
ALYSSA: God bless us, every one.
HOLLY PUNCHES ALYSSA.
HOLLY: It's AP! AP, damn you!
A LIGHTNING BOLT STRIKES ALYSSA.
CUT TO:
BLACK.
Have a good holiday, idiums! Hope you enjoyed the show and the random appearances. I know I could've added more, but hey, we like to have quality down here at Charmeded! Oh, okay, so A) that was a big insult and B) it was a lie. Charmeded and quality go together about as well as Charmed and continuity! I just had to be wary of length, but I hope this all put you into the destructive Christmas spirit we all know and adore.
Thanks for the reviews, guys! Light, lubb, and 'lyssie's to all!
A/N: The part about Chihuahuas is taken from dogbreedinfo.com in case you're THAT interested. It's a real quote from the website, I only went there to find out how to spell chihuahua, but I got a whole lot more than I bargained for with the quote from the 'paige' that Phoebe says. It was too damn funny. You'll see when you get there.
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL
COLE(VO): Previously on ACCC.
KITCHEN. PHOEBE ENTERS.
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:
SMASH CUT TO:
BLACK.
FADE IN:
SCENE: - CONTINUOUS.
PAIGE CLAMPS HER HAND TO HER CHIN IN SHOCK.
PHOEBE: Nah, I'm not dead.
PIPER: Fair enough.
PAIGE: Uh oh...
SHE'S STARTED TO SWALLOW HERSELF THROUGH HER CHIN... AGAIN.
PAIGE: AP dammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!
SHE DISAPPEARS INTO HER OWN FACE. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT. WHAT A PARTY TRICK!
PRUE: Now that's entertainment.
TWO MORE FRIGGIN DEMONS ENTER. IS THIS GETTING OLD TO ANY OF YOU? WELL, THERE IS ONE DEMON AND ONE WENDIGO.
WENDIGO: I am Wendigo Piper!
PIPER: I'M Piper!
WENDIGO: Fine... Wendigo Scotlum.
PAUSE. PIPER GOES OVER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF WENDIGO SCOTLUM FOR STEALING A CHARACTER IDEA TYPE THINGIES. OH WELL.
WENDIGO: Owchies.
PIPER: I'M the wendigo around here!
PIPER TURNS INTO A WENDIGO AND BOUNDS OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Okay...
DEMON98567349: What about me?
PRUE: What about you, Mister Demon Number Nine Million, Five Hundred and Sixty-Seven, Three Hundred and Forty-Nine?
DEMON98567349: Oh, excuse me. Let me introduce myself. I am Trunks Ichijouji.
SILENCE.
PIPER: Uh, excuse me?
PHOEBE: *to Piper* Hey! When did you turn back into a human from a wendigo and come back inside?
PIPER STARES AT PHOEBE.
PIPER: That never happened.
TRUNKS: Yes, I am Trunks Ichijouji.
PAUSE.
PRUE: I'm sorry, what?
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PRUE: Could you repeat that?
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PIPER: One more time.
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.
PRUE: Okay, just the second part.
TRUNKS: What, Ichijouji?
PAUSE.
PRUE: Never mind.
PHOEBE: Will you two quit bothering Trunks Ichijouji?
PRUE AND PIPER STARE AT PHOEBE, DUMBFOUNDED.
PHOEBE: What?
TRUNKS: ... You all suck, you know that?
PIPER: Yes, yes we do.
TRUNKS SLAPS PIPER, THEN PHOEBE. SHE'S ABOUT TO GO FOR PRUE-
PRUE: Don't even think about it.
TRUNKS: Yes sir, ma'am, sorry sir, ma'am, I apologise... I'm so sorry!
PRUE: You better be.
A LITTLE BIRD FLIES IN THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
FALCON: Tweet tweet.
PHOEBE: Aww look at the little birdy!
FALCON: Birdy? Birdy? I ain't no common sparrow! I'm a Falcon!
FALCON FLIES UP, SWOOPS OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD, AND CRAPS ON HER GOOD. REAL GOOD.
PHOEBE: Well I never.
PRUE: Awww... what a good bir- uh, Falcon!
PRUE HOLDS OUT HER ARM AND FALCON LANDS ON IT.
FALCON: Tweet tweet.
PIPER BLOWS FALCON UP.
PRUE: Piper! You killed Falcon!
PIPER: I was aiming for you.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Well she was short-lived.
WENDIGO: It's kinda poetic, really.
ALL GLARE AT WENDIGO. PAIGE ENTERS.
PIPER: Time for a good ol' Power of Three vanquish?
PAIGE: What about me?
PRUE: Move aside, lollipop-head.
THE THREE ORIGINAL SISTERS HOLD HANDS.
WENDIGO: Oh my sweet, sweet Astral Prue! You guys ARE lesbiums! I gotta write this down!
SHE TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND PEN AND STARTS TO SCRIBBLE.
WENDIGO: Oh KT will love this... *writes* 'Piper put her hand inside Prue's...'
PIPER: Hey, ew!
WENDIGO: *writing* 'Phoebe rested her head between her sister's...'
KT(OS): Legs!
PHOEBE: Actually that's kinda apt. I wish I could!
ALL STARE AT PHOEBE. THEN THE STARE AT WENDIGO. LONG HARD SILENCE.
WENDIGO: Okay, okay, I'm leaving! Sheesh...
WENDIGO LEAVES. RAYEFIRE ENTERS.
RAYEFIRE: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
VINCE SHIMMERS IN.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
PIPER: Hey - we just killed you!
VINCE: THAT ISN'T AN AWKWARD SILENCE, BITCHOS!
PRUE: Oh quiet, you.
PRUE BLOWS VINCE UP. AS WELL AS PAIGE.
SILENCE.
PRUE: Um... okay. Piper I caught your power.
PHOEBE: But they only travel as an STD...
DISGUSTED PAUSE. PIPER AND PRUE LOOK DECIDELY SHIFTIER THAN USUAL. PAIGE ENTERS.
PAIGE: Sup?
EVEN MORE DISGUSTED PAUSE. WELL, IT *IS* PAIGE YOU GUYS!
PAUSE.
PRUE: Didn't I just blow her up?
PIPER TAKES PRUE ASIDE.
WENDIGO(OS): OooooOOOOOOOooooooo! Lesbiums!
PRUE AIMS HER POWER TO SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE AND WE HEAR A SCREAM OF PAIN.
PIPER: *to Prue* Paige never dies. AP only knows how many times we've tried to off her.
PRUE: I see...
PAIGE: What're you two whispering about?
PIPER: *to Prue, whispering* Whisper, whisper, whisper.
PRUE: *same* Whisper, whisper, whisper.
PAIGE: Ha ha, very funny.
RAYEFIRE: I think it's funny!
PHOEBE: Well if YOU do then WE do! HA HA HA HA HA!
ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
PRUE: Okay, this is too funny, I can't take it anymore, demon clearout again!
PRUE BASICALLY BEATS RAYEFIRE WITH A SPATULA UNTIL SHE IS A THICK, CREAMY, DELICIOUS PASTE. PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?
PHOEBE: Mmm... paste.
PHOEBE LICKS THE PASTE UP.
PHOEBE: Mmm... tastes like weird.
THERE IS LAUGHTER HEARD FROM OUTSIDE. EVERYBODY LISTENS.
PRUE: What the paige...
THE FOUR CHARMEDED ONES GO TO THE FRONT DOOR TO SEE STEPH, SMOOSHED ON THE DOORSTEP, LAUGHING HER DEMONIC ASS OFF.
PIPER: What the hell are you laughing at?
STEPH: *stops laughing* Oh, I thought Rayefire was still here. *straight-faced, almost threatening* She cracks me up.
EVERYBODY EXCHANGES EXASPERATED GLANCES. PHOEBE GETS THE STILL-COVERED-IN-RAYEFIRE-GOO-SPATULA AND PRISES STEPH UP OFF THE GROUND.
PRUE: Oh, Steph. What're we gonna do with you?
STEPH: Give me a good home and lots of potato and parsnip soup?
PRUE: Oh no. You killed Lierre, see?
STEPH: *sighs* Always with the Lierre...
SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES PRUE'S DEATH GLARE.
STEPH: Uh... it was- uh, to... further... the plot?
PHOEBE: YOU COULDA KILLED ME!!!
STEPH TAKES A NOTE THAT SHE HAS PHOEBE'S PERMISSION TO KILL HER AT ANY GIVEN TIME.
STEPH: Cool.
PRUE: But we're gonna have to beat you to a fine pulp, I hope you realise.
STEPH: I guess, it kinda comes with the territory.
PIPER: What territory?
STEPH: Duh, the front doorstep. Do you know how many people stand on me every day? A lot. A whole lot. And there was a dragon around earlier on. He was trying to look through your letter box. Via standing on me. It wasn't the most pleasant of things.
PRUE: Oh well.
PRUE, PIPER AND PAIGE START BEATING STEPH BACK TO HELL.
ANONYMOUS: Woohp!
THEY ALL STOP. SILENCE.
PRUE: Who said that?
PIPER: Who's there?
PHOEBE: I soiled myself.
ANONYMOUS: It's me.
THERE IS NOBODY THERE.
PRUE: Reveal yourself!
ANONYMOUS: I can't. I'm Anonymous.
PHOEBE IS GIVEN A WEDGIE BY NO ONE. SHE LIKES IT. LIKES IT A LOT.
WENDIGO: You dirty smut-monkey!
PRUE: GET OUT OF HERE YOU PERVERTED FREAK!
PRUE TK'S WENDIGO AWAY. AGAIN.
ANONYMOUS: Well... I'm off. My torch is running low, I need to go and ignite it on more things. Perhaps this story!
THERE IS SILENCE, SO I'M ASSUMING ANONYMOUS LEFT. THEY RESUME BEATING STEPH AGAIN WHILE PHOEBE RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES SCREAMING "CHIHUAHUAS? THAT'S *SICK*!!!" A DEMON ENTERS.
DEMON: I am Neo. I'd say my whole name, but it's spelt weird. This is my Chihuahua, Leo.
THE LITTLE DOG RUNS ABOUT AND YAPS.
PHOEBE: Did you know that the Chihuahua is a tiny dog with an apple-shaped head and a short pointed muzzle? It has round, large, very dark eyes, sometimes dark ruby or luminous in colour. The trademark large ears should be held erect. Puppies have a soft spot or "molera" on the top of the skull. The bone usually closes the gap by adulthood. The body is cobby - meaning stout, longer than it is tall, and the tail is sickle-shaped - curled over the back or to the side. Besides the common short-haired variety there is also a long-haired type. Colours include fawn, sand, chestnut, silver and steel blue, but any colour is accepted, including black and tan and parti-colour. The dog is more robust than he looks, with a level back, and legs coming down straight and square.
PIPER: Apple-shaped head huh? No wonder it's called Leo.
ALL LAUGH AT THE LITTLE APPLE-FACED DOG. WHICH RAISES IT'S LEG ON PHOEBE'S ANKLE.
PAIGE: Can we comment on what Phoebe just said now?
PHOEBE: Sure!
PIPER: Heh, 'apple-shaped'.
WENDIGO: Hehe - 'erect'.
ALL: GET OUT!
WENDIGO: But it's humoral!
WENDIGO RUNS. PAUSE.
PIPER: Humoral?
PAUSE.
PIPER: Let's comment again.
PRUE: I want a dog with luminous eyes!
PAIGE: How did Phoebe learn those big words?
PIPER: How did Phoebe learn ANY words?
PRUE: How many times did KT have to go through that changing all the 'color's to 'colour's?
KT(OS): A few. I liek my spelling, thank you very much.
NEO: Um... I'm taking Leo and going.
NEO TAKES LEO THE DOG *AND* LEO THE APPLE-FACE AND LEAVES.
PIPER: Aw, she stole my husband.
PRUE: Oh well.
PIPER: Okay, before any more stupid shannenigans get underway, let's just bring this to a close. Prue, come and see the christmas tree, okay? Okay. Let's go.
ABANDONING STEPH AND NOT REALLY CARING ABOUT IT, SHE GRABS PRUE AND DRAGS HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM WHERE THERE IS A LOVELY TREE.
PRUE: Hey, it DOES look good! Now to destroy it.
PRUE WALKS UP TO THE TREE, GRABS THE CABLE FROM THE LIGHTS, AND PULLS. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE-
PRUE: How DARE you be so insensitive as to use that phrase in my presence!?!
OH, AP, SORRY!
PRUE: You better be!
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMED TO FIT IN REALLY WELL WITH THE DESCRIPTION OF ALL THE STUFF FLYING EVERYWHERE-
PRUE: I don't care.
SORRY.
PRUE: Good. Now, continue.
RIGHT. ALL HELL BREAKS-
PRUE: What did I just say?
SORRY! UM... THE STUFF FLIES - WELL, IT FLEW EVERYWHERE. THE TREE TOPPLED AND THE LIGHTS WENT OUT. IT WAS A GENERAL MESS IN GENERAL.
PIPER: Prue! What did you just do?
PRUE: What? Because obviously, you're supposed to be Wiccan! You don't celebrate Christmas, which, by the way KT, is spelt with a capital 'C'.
KT(OS): Oh...
PRUE: That's been annoying me throughout this entire 'special'. And besides, I don't want you guys having fun.
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined christmas!
PRUE: What did I say about that capital 'C'?
KT(OS): Sorry.
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined Christmas!
PRUE: That's better. And I did not!
PAIGE: Did too!
PRUE: Did not.
PAIGE: Did too!
PRUE: Did not. Oh wait, actually, yes I did. Ha ha. But it was your fault overall.
PHOEBE: How?
PRUE: You got me a sucky presum!
PIPER: We did?
PRUE: You gave me Paige! What kind of presum is that?
PIPER: We did?
PRUE: Don't you remember? Well, this is your fault that I'm gonna have to call a flashback.
* * * NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FLASHBACK WARNING-O-RAMA! * * *
PIPER: No no no I remember I remember!
* * * CUT FLASHBACK. THANK AP PIPER SAVED US. * * *
PRUE: Well, if you'd care to remember, now I have to smash your throats...ift.
PHOEBE: Yeah I guess so.
BAM! PRUE SMASHES (PUNCHES) PHOEBE IN THE THROAT. PHOEBE DROPS TO THE FLOOR, IMMEDIATELY UNCONSCIOUS.
PRUE: And you too, Paige.
PAIGE: Okay.
BAM! PRUE SMASHES PAIGE IN THE THROAT, AND THAT POOR, SWEET, LITTLE LESBIUM ALSO FLOPS ONTO THE FLOOR, UTTERLY SENSELESS.
PRUE: Ready, Piper?
PIPER: Actually, no.
PRUE: What?
PIPER: I'm sorry, but I'd rather keep my throat intact.
PRUE: Oh, okay, no problem.
PIPER: You kidding?
PRUE: No. You said you'd rather I didn't, and if I did, that's like... abuse or something. I could get arrested! Besides, I wouldn't want to inflict any unwanted pain on you now, would I?
PIPER: Oh Prue, I love you! Looks like Christmas isn't ruined after all!
PRUE: No, it looks like it isn't. Oh, and Piper? When I said I wasn't going to smash in your throat, well, I was lying.
PRUE SMASHES PIPER IN THE THROAT. POOR LITTLE PANPIPER FALLS DOWN, AS UNCONSCIOUS AS AN APPLE WHICH HAS ROTTED INTO THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK. RANDOM COMPARISON.
PRUE: That feels better. Sweet dreams, little sisters of mine. Merry Christmas, merry Christmas. Now I must go back to being dead. For the second time. Oh me.
SHE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.
PRUE: You idiums have a good Christmas or whatever the paige you get up to in the holidays, or I'm setting Phoebe on you!
SHE GRINS, GIVES A CHEESY LITTLE WAVE, AND ORBS OFF.
WE START TO ZOOM OUT SLOWLY, SLOWLY, OVER PHOEBE, PAIGE AND PIPER'S STILL BODIES, OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW/HOLE IN THE WALL, OUT OF THE F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION, AND OVER ONTO THE BOOT-IFUL HORIZON OF SAN FRANCISCO. LOVELY.
ROLL CREDITS.
OPEN ON: CANDID SHOT OF THE CAST.
SHANNEN: We had a lot of fun filming this Charmeded Christmas Carol.
HOLLY: And we'll have even more fun showing you the new series of Charmeded, as soon as it gets re-written.
ALYSSA: I haven't had sex in three days.
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE THE DEMON WALKS PAST.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
INDEED, THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS.
JULIAN: Anyway!
ROSE: I had fun too...
SHANNEN: You don't get to talk!
BRIAN: Okay, calm down Shannen, just read the cards.
ALL: We hope you enjoyed the show, and Merry Christmas-
SHANNEN: With a capital 'C'!
JULIAN: And a happy new year.
HOLLY: And if you don't celebrate Christmas-
BRIAN: Have a great holiday!
ALYSSA: And lots of sex!
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE WALKS PAST... AGAIN.
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS... AGAIN.
ROSE: Anyways!
SHANNEN: Quiet, you! Look at your dumb hair!
ALL: So... for the final time, Merry Christmas!
ALYSSA: God bless us, every one.
HOLLY PUNCHES ALYSSA.
HOLLY: It's AP! AP, damn you!
A LIGHTNING BOLT STRIKES ALYSSA.
CUT TO:
BLACK.
Have a good holiday, idiums! Hope you enjoyed the show and the random appearances. I know I could've added more, but hey, we like to have quality down here at Charmeded! Oh, okay, so A) that was a big insult and B) it was a lie. Charmeded and quality go together about as well as Charmed and continuity! I just had to be wary of length, but I hope this all put you into the destructive Christmas spirit we all know and adore.
Thanks for the reviews, guys! Light, lubb, and 'lyssie's to all!