3. Celeborn Speaks - Minas-Tirith.
The weeks after our return to Lorien were peculiar. On one hand, my wife was more relaxed and happy than I'd seen her in many a year, yet there was still a tension in our relationship. She postponed looking in the mirror again and again, week after week, and I worried. I knew we hadn't much time left together, and wasn't certain of anything. Galadriel noticed my unease sometimes, but I could not talk to her, for I knew not myself what was wrong. We busied ourselves with the day to day running of our realm, which was as calm and beautiful as ever, filled with music and laughter. The glow may have dimmed when the power of the Ring faded, but our own life force kept it strong. We bided our time, as always, waiting for the inevitable change we knew would come.
After weeks of waiting, I spoke to my wife. "Beloved, you must look into the mirror. You have postponed the deed too long. You will not know until you try." I was still cautious around her, remembering that night in the camp, which has joined other, bloodier sights that appear in my infrequent nightmares.
"I cannot." Galadriel replied, looking uncertain, which was unusual. 'What if it tells me I can never go back?"
"I have a feeling that it will tell you that your wish has been granted, my love." I said, putting one arm around her. We touched more those days, both in the privacy of our chambers and in front of others. "Now is a time for wish-granting. There is a new King in the West, and the times are changing." She leaned against me, sighing.
"You are right, my husband. I can feel even more changes about to come. But I am…Afraid." Rarely have I heard my wife admit to being afraid of anything, but I suppose destiny is indeed a fearsome thing, especially for someone like her, so used to making her own. I try to comfort her, but my words seem hollow even to me, for there is some reason to fear, after all.
"Fear not, beloved. You will not be left alone in this land. Wherever you are, there shall I be at your side, I and many others. You needn't fear anything." I can see that she is not reassured, but she smiles still.
"I love you, did you know that?" My heart melts, and I return her love with all my heart. "I shall look in the mirror today."
"Excellent, my wife." I say, but I know that she will probably find a way of avoiding it again. I know her too well. It seems that the only talk nowadays is of going West, and it hurts her to know that none share her apprehension. I decide to act before it is too late, and rise. "Why don't we go do it now?"
"Now?" Her face clouds with worry, and she hesitates. Will I have to goad her into action? "But surely…"
"Why not now? We have nothing important to do now, and the court of the Mirror is empty at this hour. Come, get it over with." I take her hand and pull lightly, and she stands, but does not move further. I sigh inwardly. Again I will have to tread dangerous ground in order to make her act. "Galadriel, granddaughter of Finwe, High King of the elves!" I raise my voice, "What should I tell your father when I see him in Tirion? That his daughter did not come to him because she was too afraid to discover whether she could? That you do not even try? I would be too ashamed to speak." I force myself not to shrink back in expectation of the rage I may have ignited. It was all true, except that I know that if she doesn't not go West, she will die of grief before the end of the century. She deflates visibly, and I relax.
"You will not have to tell my father that." She says finally, "For I will talk to him myself. The last child of Finarfin shall see him yet, my husband. " She walks purposefully to the door, then stops and looks at me. "You are sly, Celeborn. You play me like a harp. You should be very ashamed of yourself." And yet she smiles, and my heart warms. I smile back.
"I am, beloved, I am. Come and prove me false, then." We leave the room and climb down quickly into the Court of the Mirror. As I had guessed, it is abandoned. It almost always is, these days. I guide my wife to the Mirror, and fill it with water for her. It is said that the most potent water is poured by the Lady herself, but none may truly See in water poured by his or her own hand.
Then there is nothing for me to do but wait and watch in silence as she leans and looks into the water. Her hair falls over her face and hides it, but I can see her hands clench until the joints are white and bloodless. For a moment I fear that my premonition was wrong, and her heart would be broken, and long minutes pass breathlessly. After an eternity she raises her eyes, and my heart stops for a moment as I see the wetness on her cheeks. But then she smiles more brilliantly than I've seen her smile since our daughter's wedding day, and rushes into my arms.
"Oh Celeborn, it's true! They'll let be come back! I've passed the test and they say I can return…" Tears of happiness stream down her face, and I force myself to smile with her even as my heart breaks within me, for I know now that she will leave me behind when she goes. My love raises her voice in a song of gratitude, and I quietly fade into the forest, not wanting to mar her joy, but her voice follows me wherever I go. I feel choked by her song, and leaves rustle as I rush by them.
Damn her for understanding, after a while, and for knowing me well enough to know where I'd go. She finds me sitting on the bank of the Anduin, my bare feet in the cool water, my head lowered. I hear her coming, yet hope that she will say nothing. She doesn't speak, just sits next to me and hugs me and we sit together in silent understanding and compassion until the sun sets and the stars come out.
The next morning we received word of riders coming from Rivendell. The change we had expected was finally here.
***8
At first I didn't even notice my son-in-law in the crowd of guests. He, and most of the others, were lost in the radiance of our granddaughter. Arwen, going to join her betrothed in Gondor, seemed as luminescent as Luthien had been when the human Beren had arrived, so long ago. Truly, she was beauty itself in her happiness. I followed the only somber face in the group to the edge of the main clearing, finding him looking back morosely.
"Welcome, my son. How fair you, now that the shadow had passed?" I asked casually. I had not written to Rivendell after all, after Galadriel had calmed down. He shrugged.
"As well as can be expected, I suppose." He said. 'It is a joyous time."
"It is indeed, Elrond, but you are not happy, and I needn't ask why. Your daughter has made the choice of Luthien." I say, and he turns to me, his face calm but his eyes stormy.
"Why do you assume I am unhappy, Celeborn? My daughter is getting married to the man she loves. I am happy for her." There is a bite to the word 'man', as if it is distasteful to him. I smile and nod.
"I assume, my friend, because your sorrow is felt from across the court by one who has felt the same. I only wish I could help, but my only advice is that you talk to my wife." He sets his lips and says nothing. The Lord of Imladris will accept no advice from me, it seemed. And yet- "Very well. A word of warning then, old friend- if you ruin this wedding with your mood, you shall have both of us to deal with, and we'll be very displeased with you. Is that clear?"
"Please, Celeborn. Just leave me alone." He said, and walked away. I exchanged looks with my wife across the clearing, and she nodded almost imperceptibly. The message had been accepted. I looked after him, then sighed and went on greeting the other guests. I couldn't help him- not yet.
The week that followed was full of many conversations, feast and song, dancing and laughter as Lothlorien celebrated Arwen's coming nuptials. Even Elrond joined the festivities, although Galadriel had not talked with him yet. She said the time was not yet right, and she would do it when it was. I occupied myself with talks with my granddaughter, who was truly happy, with exchanging tales with Glorfindel- one of the only elves who still remembered the First Age- and with watching Elrond avoid my wife as a Hobbit wouavoid starvation. After the initial greetings they didn't exchange more than a few words, and always about unimportant subjects. She worried about him, and shared these worries with me, but didn't pressure him. After that week of celebration, we left for Gondor.
I didn't admit it to anybody, not even to my wife, but the journey, or rather, its ending, made me uneasy. I had not been among humans in far too long, and in truth, their company made me uncomfortable. The knowledge that there would almost certainly be dwarves there as well unnerved me. I possess a certain dislike of dwarves, for understandable reasons, and hiding my feelings becomes tiring after a while. True, none of these dwarves had anything to do with the ruin of my homeland or the death of my family, but the same blood flows in their veins, and they share their ancestors' destructive greed. Even the dwarves of Moria, blameless as they are of those atrocities, make me edgy. An elf must never show nervousness, especially one who is called The Wise, but the facade is hard to keep up. Still, we rode on. The journey, despite my nervousness and Elrond's continued foul mood, was a gay one, as journeys of elves usually are. We sing even going to war or returning from it with our ranks diminished, let alone when going to a wedding. We didn't delay much, and met my grandsons on their way back from the great battle. I must say that being surrounded by my family caused me much joy, although I knew that some of them would leave me forever soon afterwards. Elladan and Elrohir were polite but distant at first, then got used to the idea of having us around and lost their initial awe of us. Arwen, used to being in our company in Lorien, was as warm and affectionate as ever, even more so now that she was so happy. In less time than I would've liked, we arrived at Minas Tirith, the White City of Men.
It was pretty, yes, although it couldn't compete with the green forests of Lorien or the tall, flowing buildings in Imladris. It was full of men and women, and several dwarves, all come for King Elessar's wedding. Most gave us disbelieving looks, astonished that the elves had come, perhaps surprised that we really existed. Between greetings and congratulations, the mere day between our arrival and the wedding seemed to pass in minutes. The great day had arrived.
The wedding itself was beautiful, and the bride and groom gloriously happy with each other. If the elves felt any sorrow over losing one so loved, we hid it well. Well, almost all of us did. Elrond displayed perfect control over his features and his voice as he gave his daughter away, but his eyes betrayed him again. Elladan and Elrohir were even more obvious in they unhappiness, although they were careful not to show it around their sister. All in all, it was a joyous affair. The celebrations lasted many days, in which I barely had time to speak to my wife although I did manage to speak with Mithrandir. It was clear that he was planning to leave within a year at the most, for The Age of the Elders was truly over now, and Middle Earth belong to Men alone.
At long last the feasts and dances ended, and I was relieved. The heroes of the War of the Ring would leave soon, I knew, and we would leave with them. I thought of these heroes, some so unassuming, and wondered at their tenacity and their amazing luck, for it was surely on their side. The hobbits were still awed by the world at large, yet all seemed older and less carefree than they'd been when I had first met them. It was saddening to see innocence thus marred, yet interesting to watch the effect the world had on those who had not been a part of it for so long. Another example was Legolas- less proud than I remembered him and good friends with the dwarf, of all people. It seems Galadriel was right, as always.. The dwarf too was changed, although he was still slightly in love with my wife. I was not jealous- almost everyone who knows Galadriel falls in love with her at some point or another, and many have been far less polite than this one.
Aragorn himself had finally come into his heritage, and he looked much like his ancestors, which I could see hurt Elrond even more. I felt sorry for my son-in-law. At least I knew that I would see Celebrian in the West, when I went there too. He looked more and more melancholy as the day of our departure drew closer, but Galadriel still refused to talk to him, saying that the time had not yet come. We were going to leave the next day, yet she left him alone. Even after we started our journey, she let him be. At Edoras, we buried one of Men's many kings, slain in a terrible fight. I knew that after that, we would have to leave King Elessar's company completely, as well as that of Arwen's.
That night was the first we'd spent together in over a week. We talked for hours, comparing our impressions of the city and the people, then made love slowly, passionately, as we did when we were young and had the time. Then she told me the words I'd dreaded for months.
"Mithrandir will be leaving early next year, and it seems fitting that all the Ring bearers should go together." She said simply, and I felt a little bit of myself die. "It is time."
"I know. Will Elrond be joining you?" I managed to keep my voice neutral with an effort.
"He will, though he does not know it yet." She replied. "The halfling will come as well, I think." I was silent for a long while, trying to force myself to accept her departure as the fact I knew it was. It was still hard. After a time, Galadriel's arms tightened around me. "You will not join me, then." She stated. I couldn't even nod, feeling that the slightest motion would shatter me, but she knew. "Will you come at some later time, then?" this time I managed to nod, just barely. "Good." She said nothing else, but she seemed to know my mind, as always, for she did not release me or let me escape. I could not sleep, yet nothing else seemed possible so eventually I allowed my mind to slip away to where my body could not go. She was still holding me when I woke up, and it was our leaving day.
We hugged our granddaughter goodbye and bid farewell to king Elessar. I felt that my words to him were morose, but I felt less than cheerful that day. My grandsons managed to say goodbye to their sister without too much awkwardness, but Elrond couldn't. He stood staring at Arwen for a long time, then turned away and left. She followed him, and they both disappeared in the hills.
I know not what said to each other, and I don't think either one of them will ever share it with anybody, but we waited all that morning and Elrond was calmer when they returned. We left, riding quickly, and I believe I noticed Mithrandir keep very close to Elrond, talking to him softly. After about an hour's ride Galadriel drew Elrond away from the group, and they spent the rest of the afternoon in conversation. Several times I saw Galadriel take the reins of Elrond's horse in order to stop him from leaving her side. I only hoped it worked, for it is indeed possible for an elf to die of grief. His eyes glowed with a strange light when he finally left her, and he looked at me with new understanding. She had told him, I realized, of Mithrandir's plans for them. It seemed that almost everybody I knew and loved were leaving me.
The return journey was not a happy one for me. I resolved, foolishly perhaps, not to trouble anyone with my feelings and avoid my wife's company as much as possible, for I knew I would not be able to stand it. After nearly three days of traveling thus, Elrond came to talk to me.
"Celeborn. Lovely day, isn't it?" He started casually. I hadn't noticed anything particularly lovely about it, but agreed nevertheless.
"It is. Most days are at this time of year."
"It seems my dark cloud has passed to you, old friend." He said lightly. I frowned- how dare he imply that?
"I am in a perfectly pleasant mood, my son. Kindly allow me the same privacy I allowed you.
"I will, and would give you also the same advice you gave me," Elrond replied, not making any move to leave, "But the Lady herself asked me to speak with you in her stead, for shfeels that you'd rather not talk to her."
"Has it occurred to you," I asked, getting more and more irritated, "that perhaps I'd rather not talk at all?" Why would Galadriel need to talk to me anyway? She probably knew my innermost thoughts simply by looking at me.
"It has, my lord, but your words to me on our previous journey were wise ones. Keeping such feelings for yourself can't be good for you." He said seriously, and I was tempted to tell him everything, but restrained myself. Elrond had enough problems of his own, and didn't need mine.
"I thank you for your concern, but I'm fine. Don't bother yourself." I replied, sounding stiff and false even to myself. I urged my horse forward, but he caught up with me and I was already at the head of the group, with no where else to go.
"I do bother, Celeborn. Accept it. I will not return to the lady and tell her that I failed- I value my life too much." Oh, he was smooth, and the words stung, bringing up images he had no way of knowing of.
"I'll deal with her. Go away- I'll tell her you're not to blame, when she chooses to ask me herself." I said irritably, angry with my self more than with him. It wasn't his fault, after all.
"She will, eventually, but I have some experience with the emotions you're experiencing now." He said gently, "I too have sent my wife onwards without me."
"Your wife," I stated coldly, "was my daughter also, and you would do well to remember it." Why did he have to bring up Celebrian? One of my greatest fears was that she might think I don't love her or care enough to see her, which would of course be an incorrect assumption. I missed her every day, and would miss her even more after Galadriel left.
"Yes, but you were used to her being somewhere else for years before she left. Your parting happened long before ours. It is the same with Arwen, and I hope it will be the same in the future. Galadriel is special." He said, and I couldn't hold back a fond smile.
"Aye, she is. I do not need others to tell me that." I said, shaking my head. "A part of me is furious that I'm letting her go without me, yet most of me knows that I can't leave yet. I am needed here, to help the elves who choose to remain and to pass on what tales you haven't told yet." I had not meant to say that, but the words came on their own. "But I do not know whether I'll be able to live without her." I couldn't continue, but Elrond understood.
"I know your feelings well, my friend, and I'm sorry, but the sea has been calling her for so long…She'll die if she doesn't leave soon, and so will we all. The loss of the Rings has effected us." He says, and I remember that terrible night outside Dol-Goldur, and nod. "Her too? Even the strongest are not immune, then." I nod again. "So you see, she must go. Frodo received permission to join us as well- he can only be healed in Aman. Even Gimli will be able to go West with us." I couldn't keep a grimace of disgust off my face at the thought; the news disturbed me more than I liked.
"A dwarf in the Undying Lands? That's sacrilege."
"Dwarves are the children of Aule, Celeborn, and this one fought bravely in the war and is a friend of elves. I understand why you dislike dwarves, but this one is different."
"You understand nothing, Elrond." I glared at him- the presumptuous child! "These things happened long before you started caring. Believe me, I'd prefer the dwarf's company to that of some elves, but the idea seems unnatural." I explained tightly. I was grateful when Elrond didn't pursue that particular line of conversation.
"I do not wish to argue, Celeborn. In fact, I wanted to ask a favor of you." He said, turning very serious.
"Of course." I replied automatically, wondering what I might be able to do for one who'll be leaving so soon.
"My sons have chosen to stay in Middle Earth a while longer. They've both sworn to stay at their sister's side, or at least within riding distance of her, until…" he stopped and swallowed. I nodded. It was understandable that the twins, being younger, wouldn't want to go West yet, and Imladris needed a ruler. "Keep an eye on them for me, Celeborn." He asked. "They are still young and need their family for guidance and comfort. Glorfindel is staying as well, and I trust him of course, but you're family. Could you do that for me?"
I was moved and honored by the request, and told him so. Of course I agreed to help, knowing that it was as much for my sake as for theirs. It would give me something to do after the others left. I suddenly felt better, although the thought of parting still hurt. Elrond broke into my thoughts again.
"One other, even more important thing. As I said, your lady wife sent me to you." He smiled, but I frowned again.
"If she wishes to speak to me she can come herself, and not use a go-between. We are not courting."
"I know. She fears, however, that she has angered you in some way this past week, for you avoid her company and refuse to speak to her. It hurts her, Celeborn, as I am sure it hurts you. She is not gone yet." He put his hand on my arm and I could contain myself no longer.
"But she will be! I can't go on acting as if we have eternity together." I felt my eyes well up and looked away. The words I had to say came out in a choked whisper, "I can't keep loving her."
Elrond was silent for a long time, and I grew worried that I had said something so terrible, that my emotions were so shameful, that he had nothing to say in reply. I looked at him at last, only to find that he too was weeping. "I apologize, my lord." He said quietly, "But I have experienced such feelings twice before in my life, and know your pain. I also know that thinking that will only make it harder for you both. She needs you as much as you need her, Celeborn, for the months you have left. Starting the separation now will kill you both."
"It already is," I agreed, "But I couldn't think of anything else to do. It was foolish of me…But it breaks my heart, Elrond. I love her." I said, repeating aloud the words I'd been telling myself for days. "And now she's leaving and I don't know what the separation will do to us."
"You've been together for more than two Ages, how will a century or two change your relationship?" He asked wryly.
"I don't know, but I still worry. What if she meets a comely Noldorin and falls in love with him?" I asked, only half in jest, and he gave me an incredulous look. "I should go talk to her, shouldn't I?" I was feeling rather silly, and Elrond kindly made no other comment, except for a quick agreement. I turned my horse toward the back of the marching column, but he stopped it.
"Wait. Remember what I told you about withholding love. Gil-galad said that to me when Elros chose mortality, and you may need to pass them on some day."
I knew whom he was talking about. "Don't worry, my friend. They'll follow you together, and I'll come with them. They are too attached to each other to separate, and there is nothing tying them to the mortal world."
"I hope so, Celeborn. Celebrian would be most displeased with me if none of them returned, and she is almost as terrible as her mother when angered." Elrond said ruefully, and we both smiled.
"Nonsense. Give her my love, will you? Tell her I can't wait to see her again." He nodded, and we both rode back.
Galadriel was very happy to have me back at her side. The rest of the trip is really our own business and nobody else's. I am willing to swear, however, that Fangorn knew exactly how we'd spent the night before we met him, and all the nights before and after that, until we finally returned to the golden woods of Lothlorien.