Title: Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!
Author: Queen Boadicea
Email: queenboadiceaoftheiceni@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: This belongs to the great and powerful Joss and the usual gang of idi…uh, geniuses
Pairing: Buffybot/Spike
Distribution: http://www.fanfiction.net
Feedback: Do your worst—it can't compare to my worst ;)
Notes: Spoilers for BtVS season five, episode "Intervention" from which a lot of dialogue is liberally lifted
Spike surveyed the creation critically. The female figure was clad in a pink pleated skirt ensemble with a shiny new leather jacket laid over it. Her honey gold long hair fell in a flawless cascade over her shoulders. She stood preternaturally still, her eyes shut, as she passively withstood his inspection.
"She looks good but what about the rest?" he asked. "A little walk, a little talk…perhaps a zippy cartwheel."
The brunette geek with the lamentable hair nodded almost frantically. "Hey, she's, uh, great. You'll be real happy, I swear, she's got everything you asked for. All the extra programming, tons of real-world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends."
Spike's voice turned caressing as he let his eyes drift down over Warren's creation. "All the extra programming, right?"
Warren giggled nervously, a high-pitched sound that revealed every bit of tension running through him. Spike meant the sexual moves he'd had Warren program into the damn thing. The vampire's varied sexual experience throughout 120-odd years had meant exhaustive programming that had lasted most of the evening. Warren hadn't even known that human beings could bend in those positions. Luckily, his 'bot wasn't human.
"Ah, the, the stuff that you wanted, the, uh, scenario responses, you know, the, uh, uh, special...skills...all of it. Now, you said that I could leave—" He picked up his remaining things and darted past Spike. Well, he tried to. Spike reached out without looking and grabbed Warren by the shirt while squinting at the thing in front of him.
"Wait. I don't know if I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me. You know, a little touch of plasticine."
Just then the robot's eyes flew open. A startled hazel gaze lit on Spike's face and the robot smiled beatifically at him. "Spike? Oh Spike!" She flew into his arms and kissed him hard. Stunned by the passionate embrace, Spike's grip on Warren loosened and the techno-geek made his escape.
As her lips parted from his, Spike gazed at his perfect creation and murmured, "She'll do."
He'd gotten her back to his place as quickly as inhumanly possible. He didn't want to meet up with any of the Scoobies. It would be difficult to explain why Buffy was clinging to him like a limpet and trying to lick his ears. She was a little too clingy for his liking but that was all right. She was programmed to obey his commands. He could always have her back off if she got too pestiferous in her attentions.
Now they were together in his crypt. She began spouting a running commentary about the beauty of his body, everything from his lovely sky-blue eyes to his impeccable washboard abs. If he were mortal, he might have blushed. Nah, he was too full of himself to feel any false modesty. He was a sexy bitch and he knew it. Too bad the real Buffy never saw that.
He danced around her in a parody of fighting. The attacks from Buffy had always gotten his motor running, something she'd figured out long ago and so she tried to keep herself from touching him. However, he was always able to goad her into taking a swing at him. Any kind of touch from her, even a vicious one, had been welcome.
But now he could have real sex with her. Okay, not quite real, but a man had to get his jollies somehow. "What are you searching for, Slayer? A weak spot? Try me, give me the best you got." He ducked and weaved while the Buffybot took an inexpert swing at him with her stake.
He grabbed her around her waist, pinning her arms in front of her. "Is that your best, Slayer?"
"No. I wanna hurt you but I can't resist the attraction of your sinister and muscular body," she babbled.
He ran a tongue along her ear and purred, "Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go."
"No! No, Spike. Never let me go."
He continued crooning to her, singing his own praises. Speaking to himself, really. "You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad."
She switched to "seductive" mode. "You are. You're very, very bad." Then she picked him up and tossed him across the room onto the bed. She scrambled on top of him and pressed the stake onto him.
He grinned at her. This little game just got better. "Are you gonna do it that way?"
She shook her head. "No." She grabbed his black T-shirt and ripped it all the way down exposing those perfect muscles. Then she placed the tip of the stake against his heart. "This way."
She hesitated and he continued the role-playing. "What's the matter, Slayer? Can't bring yourself to strike?"
Her face crumpled as if she were on the verge of tears. "You're evil."
"And that excites you?" He knew there was excitement in walking on the dark side. But the goody goody Slayer was too into denial to admit it. His little dolly didn't have any such hangups.
The doll pouted. "It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't. Darn your sinister attraction."
"Too right." He grabbed her and pulled her down for a kiss. Her lips were soft and yielding with a definite human feel to them. He didn't know what kind of material Warren used to give the robot such a lifelike texture and he didn't care. There was a lubricant in her mouth that was like saliva and a motor installed in her chest to give the semblance of a heartbeat. In every way, she was just like the real Buffy.
Except that the heartbeat never accelerated. Warren couldn't get her to sweat; he'd insisted that there was no technology that could get her to ooze something like that from her "pores" without damaging her inner works. She simply couldn't exude the smell of desire, passion, fear or excitement like a real human could. She had a program not adrenal glands and his vampire senses could detect the difference.
This was after all a robot, a toy, not the real Buffy and something in his chest clenched at the manufactured desire in her plastic gaze. The next moment he brushed away his revulsion and clutched her to him even more fiercely.
Dammit, he'd spent too much time getting this thing made to care about any slight imperfections now! He'd bullied and terrified one pathetic human into creating this thing for him and he was going to enjoy it. He growled in an effort to concentrate his attention on her and she responded accordingly.
She arched her body against his and they tumbled off the bed. "Oh, Spike, devour me!" she cried in the chipper voice that hadn't altered since the moment she'd opened her eyes.
He lipped the back of her neck. "You know I can't bite you," his deep voice rumbled.
"I think you can. I think you can if I let you. And I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more."
"Like this?" He kissed the back of her neck and she smiled up at him.
"Oh Spike, I can't help myself. I love you."
There it was, the crowning achievement of Warren's efforts. Who needed the real Buffy when the substitute was so much better? "You're mine, Buffy."
She paused for a moment, her face becoming an absolute blank. "Shall I start this program over?"
That jerked him up short. Shit, she was spoiling the illusion. "Ssh. No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy."
Her too-bright smile clicked on again.
Spike lay on the bed deeply asleep. The 'bot may not have been real but she had the stamina of twenty Slayers. All he had to do was say a certain catchphrase and she'd be all wound up, ready to go. They'd been banging hips for hours and he was well and truly knackered.
The robot briskly tidied herself up and put on her pink and leather gear. "Time to slay. Vampires of the world beware."
At the sound of that phrase, a program deep inside the 'bot was triggered. She halted and listened as a voice came over her internal sensors. "Hey, Buffybot? This is Warren. Don't speak, just pan around the area, let me see what's happening."
The robot obediently turned in a slow circle until her gaze lit on Spike lying in bed. "Okay, halt! Very good. Is he asleep?"
She nodded her head and he read the action as a "yes" on the unit he'd set up blocks away. "Right. You said you've got vampires to slay. You know what to do."
She smiled, pulled the stake from within her jacket and walked over to the recumbent vampire. With a decisive, no-nonsense gesture, she slammed the sharpened piece of wood into his heart.
Spike's eyes flew open in shock and pain as he roared, "WHAT THE BLEEDIN'…!" Then he crumbled into dust. The robot stood there quietly for a moment with no emotion on her pretty face while Warren gave her the next instructions. Warren wasn't sure what part Spike played in the life of the Slayer but the vampire's insistence on creating a robot in her image had implications too disturbing to ignore. He couldn't take the chance that Buffy or one of her friends might find the Buffybot and connect the dots between it and Spike's disappearance.
He typed in a sequence of numbers and pressed a button. "Initiating countdown," he directed. Moments later, Spike's crypt blew apart in a spectacular explosion that sent chunks of stone flying through the air.
Xander and Anya were busy patrolling that night when they heard the blast. Xander started at the bright light coming from the direction of Spike's crypt. "What the hell was that?"
Anya squinted and then yelped as bits of stone came whizzing in their direction. "Xander, duck!" He grabbed her arm and they darted behind some trees. She cried out as a piece of stone hit her in the back and Xander turned to her in concern.
"Are you okay, Anya?"
She shook her head. "No! I've got dust in my hair and I haven't even started slaying yet!" She pouted in annoyance. "When is Buffy getting back so we can give up this stupid nonsense? I'd much rather be home in bed with you anyway."
"That's sweet, snookums. But I'd still want to lend a hand with Buffy and you'd tag along because you don't want to let me out of your sight, remember?"
"I guess." Judging the danger past, they got up and walked back towards the source of the noise. Pausing before Spike's crypt, they stared in amazement.
The crypt was completely destroyed. The edifice was in ruins and rubble lay strewn about everywhere with hints of plastic, glass and metal mixed in with the destruction. "Good golly! Do you think Spike was in that?" Anya asked as she kicked at a loose bit of junk.
He shrugged; the vampire wasn't on his top ten list of favorite people and he wasn't going to shed any tears over his probable demise. "Too bad for him if he was. I don't think even a vampire could stand getting blown uppy like that. We'll just wait and see if he shows up in the next few nights."
"Yeah. Can we continue the patrol now? The sooner we finish, the sooner we can get home and back to our nice lovely orgasms. We can tell Buffy all about this when she gets back from her magical mystical tour with Giles." Xander nodded absently and continued walking with his sex-obsessed girlfriend.
"So who do you think could have done this?"
Xander's brows creased as he considered the question. "Dunno. The list of Spike's enemies is too long and varied to get into. If the Initiative were still in town, I'd think they were responsible."
The ex-demoness began to panic. "The demon hunters? You don't think they could be back, do you? I mean, we've got enough to worry about what with Glory going around sucking out brains without those self-righteous military bastards showing up here again."
"Easy, sweetie. Take a deep breath. I said 'if' and I don't think it's them. Let's just get on with our patrol and back home so the Xanman can help you relax."
She wound her arm in his and smiled up at him. "That's you—my big cuddle monkey. So what relaxation techniques did you have in mind?"
"Well, something involving whipped cream and that cute little satin number you bought last week, for starters…"
Finis