AN: Birthday ficlet for Fianna. Happy birthday, sweetie. I love you.
EVERYONE NEEDS A CHRISTMAS TREE
"Why did we have to come here?" Benny whined.
"We need a Christmas tree, and here's where they sell Christmas trees,'" Collins explained. "It's really not that complicated."
"I just don't see why we need a Christmas tree at all," Benny said.
"Everyone needs a Christmas tree," Collins said while inspecting the trees of different shapes and sizes that were standing in the square.
"It's for kids," Benny said, quietly, so Collins wouldn't hear him.
"A tree is the ultimate symbol for the holidays," Collins continued. "Without a tree, it just isn't Christmas."
"And here I thought the birth of Christ had something to do with it. Stupid me, the holiday is obviously in honour of the mighty Christmas tree."
Collins raised his eyebrows.
"Don't be a bitch," he said calmly.
Benny grinned.
"Oh, getting testy, are we?"
"Why did I even bring you?" Collins sighed.
"Because you love me." Benny sneaked his arms around Collins' waist and gave him a quick kiss. "Now can we please go home? It's cold."
"We're not leaving without a Christmas tree," Collins said firmly.
"But I can't feel my toes anymore," Benny complained.
Collins waved his hand uninterestedly.
"Toes are pointless."
Benny, who felt that none of his body parts were pointless, opened his mouth to protest, but Collins grabbed his arm.
"Look at that tree! Isn't it gorgeous?"
Benny had to bend his head backward to be able to see the top of the tree Collins was indicating.
"That one? You have to cut in it four to even get it into the loft."
"Maybe it is a bit on the large side," Collins admitted.
"A bit? Collins, in case you missed the memo, we don't live in the Buckingham Palace."
Collins glanced at Benny.
"Oh, I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "You do bear a striking resemblance to Prince Charles."
Benny gaped.
"That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me," he said in a small voice.
Collins laughed.
"You are so cute when you're hurt."
"And you're mean," Benny muttered. "You care more about Christmas trees than me. And it's freezing, and I can't feel my toes, or my ears."
Collins leaned in and sank his teeth into the shell of Benny's ear.
"Ow!" Benny stared at him in shock. "You bit me!"
"And you felt it. See, no danger for frostbite yet."
"You bit me," Benny repeated and rubbed his ear. "It hurt."
"I'm sorry," Collins smiled. "I'll make it up to you when we get home."
"How?" Benny said suspiciously.
Collins leaned in again, this time to whisper something in Benny's hurt ear. Benny's eyes widened at Collins' words, and the looked considerably brighter.
"Okay," he said loudly, rubbing his hands. "We have work to do. Mission: find tree, so that we can go home and have sex." He looked around. "That one looks nice."
Collins followed Benny's gaze and sighed.
"Benny, that's not a tree, that's a cactus."
"I know! It's perfect. It's small, it's got a much more interesting shape than a tree, and I bet it's not as allergenic."
"What are you talking about? Trees aren't allergenic."
"Sure they are. Lots of people are allergic to trees."
"What?" Collins said, horrified. "But that's awful. That's like being allergic to snow!"
"You know," Benny said thoughtfully, "with all the air pollution nowadays, we probably are allergic to snow, we just don't know it yet. Anyway, I bet Mark's allergic to trees. He's allergic to everything."
"Well, Mark's Jewish," Collins said, "so he has no business going around sniffing the Christmas tree at all. We're getting a Christmas tree, end of story."
"Okay," Benny said agreeably. "How about that one?"
Collins looked where Benny pointed, expecting to see some sort of rare orchid, or maybe a tree built out of Leo. What he saw was a tree, a real one, about as tall as he was, with thick branches in a deep green colour.
"It's perfect," he said softly.
"Wonderful!" Benny exclaimed. "Now let us just give them our address, and we can go home and have sex."
"What do you mean, give them our address?"
"So that they can deliver the tree, of course."
"They don't deliver the tree, we have to get it home ourselves."
"What?" Benny asked. "How do plan to get that thing into a cab?"
"It won't fit into a cab," Collins said. "We'll have to carry it home."
"Carry it? But we're, like, miles from home!"
"It's not that far, and the tree doesn't weigh that much. Come on, you'll take the top and I'll take the bottom."
Against his will, Benny giggled.
"Is that still valid when we get home?"
Collins looked confused for a second, but then he realised what he'd said and smiled.
"Maybe," he said. "Start walking and we'll see about that."
"Okay," Benny said cheerfully. He grabbed the tree and immediately released it again. "It pricks!"
"Stop complaining or I'll bite you again," Collins threatened.
Benny picked the tree up, ignoring the pain in his hands.
"You owe me so much sex," he grumbled and started walking. The sooner they got home, the better.
The End.