Welcome, my pretties! Welcome to Tavia's Realm of Madness! Hold onto your seats, folks, it'll be a wild ride, I assure you.
Disclaimer: I am much too wacky to own Star Trek. If I did…ooh, the things that would happen…ahem, I digress. Paramount, who is probably saner than me, owns Star Trek. But the following insanity is mine! MINE! Well…not entirely I suppose, some plot credit has to go to my friend Brian. We came up with all this one day, I still don't know HOW we did it. Possibly too much sugar. I could just keep this disclaimer going forever, you know? But I better stop.
Random note: Remember the sequel I promised at the end of Mask of Stella? Well this…is not it. Sorry, different story entirely. That one might get written someday, but don't hold your breath. Don't hold anything actually, you might get tired, heehee.
If you have read "The Mask of Stella" feel free to skip down.
If not, bad! I forgive you. Here is a brief summary of stuff you need to know to understand this one: Stella is more-or-less taken from the TV show. In this version, she's divorced from Harry. Also, and more importantly, she's hideously ugly, and wears a mask at all times to hide her hideousity. In my last story, she met Kirk, and fell madly in love. She terrifies him. At the end of the story, she was left behind on Dedum, a very dull planet with a lot of natives who somehow got the idea Harry Mudd was a great god. As for Harry, he was reigning on Dedum with a couple punk Klingons (Klingons who shaved their heads) to help, and at the end stowed away on the Enterprise with the help of Unidentified Crewmember 1 (UC1). Got all that? Good! Oh, and Gene, you have to know about Gene. Well, he created Star Trek, and is always seen in silhouette to Stage Right. And THAT'S everything.
Let the games begin!Everyone Goes Nuts
aka
Down with the SetsIntroduction:
Captain's Log: Stardate…I have lost track. I am handwriting this Log Entry, because my recorder was damaged in the recent…chaos, along with most of the ship. Make that all of the ship. Being that as it may, I am still captain of the wreckage behind me, leader of the few crewmembers who have not succumbed to the madness, and as such am required to record the events of the past few days…
Act I, Scene I ~~~ Three weeks after "The Mask of Stella"Narrator: Planet Dedum, a composite of a few buildings upon a dirty surface of dirt, and more dirt, but aside from the dirt, was the buildings, shoddy, run down, haphazardly built, but that was before she arrived. Stella took over with the force of the flu, imposing her imperialistic ideas upon the poor hapless inhabitants of this dirty world.
[The setting: a collection of flimsy buildings, one imperial hall composed of cracked columns and walls with holes, with mortar missing. There is a large mound of dirt at the center of the "city." On the mound is a flimsily built Victorian mansion, labeled "imperial palace." The city has a poor section of town, which has terrible graffiti problems, yet many of these drawings are in fact the best in town. In the main area of the city there are several statues of the latest art style, as prescribed by Stella: All are…peculiar renditions of Kirk. Were he to see them, they would frighten him. Inside the palace we find the hideous Stella Mudd, wearing a new mask (her old mask, as you may recall, was destroyed during 'The Mask of Stella'). Stella is seated on an elegant dais, awaiting her true love to come down in his fiery chariot of love to take her away into the night. In other words, she's awaiting Kirk. While waiting, she is controlling Dedum's government. At the moment, she is supervising the construction of a giant statue that actually looks a lot like Kirk.]
[Stella is sitting on the dais while several natives cart in a giant, half-built statue of Kirk's head. It is about three feet high, and three feet across.]
Native1: [bowing deeply] We have begun building The Captain's Head, your luminosity.
[Stella studies the head carefully.]
Stella: [stamping her foot] No, no, no! It's all wrong!
Native2: [baffled] But your brilliance, we very carefully studied pictures of The Captain so as to match them exactly.
Stella: [as though they are trying her patience] But where is the symbolism? The imagery? [dramatic] He should have eyes like the stars at night, hair as fiery as his love! [shrewish] Do it over. Do it all over!
Natives: [muttering] Yes, your greatness.
[The natives lug the statue outside the building, while Stella sits down on her elegant dais again.]
Native1: [muttering to other natives] Crazy, I tell you! That woman is absolutely batty! Native3: Why do we put up with her?Native2: [reprimanding] For shame! We 'put up' with her because she bears the name 'Mudd,' as did The Great God Harry Mudd who has departed from us these last few weeks, carrying the Sacred Silver Block with him.
Native1: [sadly] Yes, yes, that is so.
Native3: [ashamed] The Great God Harry Mudd has left us to fly to his home in the stars. It is the least we can do to try and please him by honoring The Great Goddess Stella Mudd.
Native2: Very good. Now let us work on adding symbolism to our statue.
Act I, Scene II[Meanwhile on the Enterprise, business is normal. All the regular bridge crew are at their stations and Kirk is sitting in the command chair looking relaxed. (He has used the last three weeks to receive intensive therapy and has been cured of his fear of Stella.) McCoy is also present, using one of the consoles at the back of the bridge. Things are quiet for a few minutes, then Uhura's console beeps.]
Uhura: Captain, incoming message.
Kirk: Put it on the main screen.
Uhura: It's audio only, sir.
Kirk: Well, play it then.
[There is a crackling of static, and then a message comes through.]
Message: [desperate] Captain…you must come immediately. We are in deep distress…only you can help us…please come— [message ends abruptly]
Kirk: [thoughtful] Very interesting. Where is the message's point of origin?
Uhura: The planet Dedum.
[Kirk freezes, and looks extremely nervous. McCoy walks over to the command chair.]
McCoy: [in a low voice] Now, Jim, you've got to get a grip on yourself. Remember, you've been completely cured of your stellaphobia. There's absolutely no reason to become upset.
Kirk: [lets out a deep breath] I guess…yes…yes, you're right, Bones. Stella… [swallows hard] holds no terror for me. And someone on Dedum is clearly in deep distress. We must go to their rescue at once! Mr. Sulu, plot a course.
Sulu: Course plotted, sir.
Kirk: Go to…warp factor one.
[McCoy pokes him in the shoulder.]
Kirk: [sighs] Make that warp factor five.
Sulu: Aye, sir.
Kirk: And so, we are departing on another mission, another journey. And in doing so, we are taking another risk. But risks are our business! When man first looked at the stars—
McCoy: Jim, don't.
Kirk: [puzzled] Don't what, Bones?
McCoy: Just don't.
Act I, Scene IIINarrator: Two days have passed, and the Enterprise has come into orbit around Dedum. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and two crewmembers in red shirts are in the transporter room preparing to beam down. Kirk has been continuing his therapy these last two days, and is feeling confident. The real action right now, though, is in the shuttlebay.
[UC1 enters the shuttlebay, carrying a tray of food. He walks over to the shuttlecraft, and knocks on the door.]
UC1: Mr. Mudd, are you in there?[The shuttle door opens and Harry Mudd steps out.]
Harry: Of course I'm here. I've been hiding out here for the last three weeks, ever since I bribed you into letting me come aboard.
UC1: [frowns] But Mr. Mudd, you told me to bribe you into coming aboard.
Harry: Oh yes, that's right. [charming] And I want to thank you for that. You don't know what it meant to me to get off that boring planet, Dedum. [shakes head sadly] No money, no jewels, no dancing girls…
UC1: Um, right. I brought you some lunch. [hands Harry the tray of food]
Harry: Oh yes. Thank you. [starts eating] Have you got any news for me?
UC1: Oh yeah, I forgot. We came into orbit around a planet today.
Harry: [eyes light up] In orbit? Around a planet?
UC1: Yeah, we just arrived an hour ago. The Captain and a party should be beaming down soon.
Harry: [drops tray] This is my opportunity! I can finally get out of here! It's about time, too. Kirk was liable to discover me any day now. I've got to be in that landing party!
UC1: Um, but Mr. Mudd—
Harry: [rooting through boxes] Not now, lad, I've got to find a disguise!
UC1: [insistent] But Mr. Mudd, you don't want—
[Harry pulls a potted cactus out of a box.]
Harry: A cactus! [frowns] Hmm. Well, this'll just have to do. [to UC1] So long, lad, I'm off to beam down. Thanks for all your help!
[Harry runs out of the shuttlebay, carrying the cactus.]
UC1: [calling after him] But Mr. Mudd, you don't understand… [shrugs] Oh well.
Act I, Scene IV[In the transporter room, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are talking to Scotty, who is behind the controls. The red-shirts are talking to each other. The doors to the transporter room open, and Harry Mudd crawls in, cleverly disguised as a cactus. That is, he is holding the cactus in front of him, and he is plainly visible behind it. He creeps over and positions himself on one of the back transporter pads. No one notices him. After another minute or so they decide it's time to beam down. Kirk turns to the transporter pads.]
Kirk: [pointing to Harry] Look! There on the transporter pad!
[Everyone turns to look. Harry looks worried.]
Kirk: A cactus! In a pot!
[Harry breathes a sigh of relief.]
Scotty: [perplexed] Well, now, I wonder how that got there.
Kirk: Let's beam it down with us. It'll make a nice present for the natives.
[Everyone walks over and stands on the transporter pads.]
Kirk: And so, we embark. It is risky, beaming down to Dedum, but it is a risk we must take. And risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars—
[Scotty beams everyone, including Harry and the cactus, down to the planet.]
Act I, Scene V[In the capital city, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, the red-shirts and the cactus beam in. They look around distastefully.]
Kirk: I didn't think it was possible, but this place is even uglier than before.
Spock: Captain, I would expect that large building [gestures to the flimsy Victorian mansion] would be where we'd locate the seat of the government. Perhaps that would be the best place to start.
Kirk: Yes, that makes sense.
[The group heads for the mansion. Harry, not sure what else to do, follows from behind his cactus. He's starting to have a bad feeling about this planet. As they get closer to the mansion, they notice the Kirk-statues. They recoil in horror. Kirk fails to see his likeness in their grotesque forms.]
Kirk: [disgusted] What awful…hideous…
McCoy: [equally disgusted] Is that supposed to be art?
Spock: Most unusual.
[Harry also seems horrified, and cowers behind his cactus. The red shirts look frightened.]
Kirk: [with revulsion] Definitely the ugliest statues I've ever seen[From inside the mansion, a woman starts singing. We will not describe the singing because, first, it is indescribable, and second, it is too horrible for the general public (and would prevent this story from having a G-rating). Kirk and McCoy cringe in agony at the sound. Spock calmly places his hands over his ears. Harry, in his horror, stabs himself with the cactus needles. The two red-shirts spontaneously combust and disappear in a cloud of smoke. After many long, torturous moments, the singing finally stops.]
Kirk: [worn out from the horror] Oh…my… McCoy: [dazed] Now we know why they wanted help…[The woman singing chances to look out a window and see the figures below. She recognizes Kirk immediately.]
Woman: [delighted] My little kumquat, you've come![The woman, of course, is Stella. She comes running out of the palace wearing a wedding dress and charges at Kirk.]
Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaaaaaahhhh!
McCoy: [murmuring] Something tells me he's had a relapse of his stellaphobia.
[Harry sees Stella and runs. Frantically. Dropping his cactus.]
Spock: [looking at Harry's fleeing form] Interesting. Harry Mudd somehow beamed down cleverly disguised as a cactus.
[Stella is chasing Kirk in circles around the courtyard.]
Stella: [shrilly] Don't fight it, Pumpkin! It's bigger than both of us!
Kirk: [howling into his closed communicator] Beam up! Beam up!
McCoy: [urgent] Jim! Open your communicator!
[Kirk is too terrified to take notice. He continues howling at his closed communicator.]
Kirk: Beam up! PLEASE!
[The train of Stella's dress catches on one of the Kirk-statues. She pauses to yank it free. Kirk meanwhile is frantically clawing at the base of a nearby pillar, desperately trying to climb up it and escape. McCoy is looking upset, but is unsure of what to do to help. Spock calmly takes out his communicator and opens it.]
Spock: Spock to Enterprise.
Scotty: [over communicator] Scott here.
Spock: Please lock onto our communicator signals and beam us up, Mr. Scott. We've run into some trouble.
Scotty: Aye, Mr. Spock. One moment.
[Stella rips the train of her dress so that she is free from the statue. She runs at Kirk.]
Stella: Baby-waby!
Kirk: [cowers at base of pillar] Aaaaaahhhh!
[Stella dives at Kirk just as he, Spock, and McCoy beam out. Stella hits her head on the pillar.]
Stella: [dazed] Ow.
Narrator: Hardly what one would call an auspicious beginning for our heroes! But believe me, this is ONLY the beginning! Don't miss the next exciting segment of…Everyone Goes Nuts!
This is just the beginning…and once you have entered the Mad Realm, you do not leave…Nyahahahahahah!
Crazy? Nope, not me, certainly not crazy…
Review, or…I'll send Stella after you!