Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, if I owned Star Trek would I be posting wacky stories online? Well, possibly. But I'd also be making them into movies. So if Star Trek XI winds up being about the original characters fleeing from Stella, you'll know I have ownership of Star Trek. Until that lovely day: Paramount. It belongs to Paramount.
Lt. Vulcan: You didn't like where I stopped? Gee, and I thought I was picking a fairly good spot, everybody beams out, no one in dire peril…not a cliffhanger at all, especially compared to—ahem, never mind, ignore me.
Emp: Actually, the red-shirts just might get a little glory…all in good time, all in good time!
Rihannsu: I LOVE sending people into hysterics…heehee. It gets wilder, I assure you.
Keridwen: Pixie stix…I don't think I have any readily-available pixie stix…chocolate is good though, chocolate is veeeery good…
Trekker-T: I'm mean to Kirk, aren't I? Oh well, he's a big boy, he'll survive. Thank you, I thought this one was pretty funny too. (no ego here, nope, none, nada)
And here we go. Once again, hang onto your seats!
Act I, Scene VI
[On the bridge of the Enterprise: Kirk is sitting in his command chair, gripping the armrests much too tightly. He is controlled, but only just. Spock and McCoy are talking to him, while the rest of the bridge crew tries to ignore their Captain's terror.]
McCoy: [soothing] Look back on your therapy. Stella is nothing to be frightened of.
Spock: It is illogical for you to a fear a single woman.
Kirk: [moans] Single. She doesn't plan on staying single, not if she could catch me…
McCoy: Now, Jim. Deep breaths. You can overcome this irrational fear you have.
Kirk: [despairing] How?
McCoy: Well…one of the best ways to overcome a fear is to face it head on.
Kirk: [alarmed] Face Stella? [shakes head and sinks farther into his chair] No. Never.
McCoy: [insistent] But if you're going to overcome your fear, you've got to face her!
Kirk: Then I'll just be afraid, thanks.
McCoy: [annoyed] Oh that's great! Fine then! Just spend the rest of your life hiding under furniture every time Stella's name comes up!
Kirk: [offended] I do not hide under furniture.
McCoy: Oh, yes you do!
Kirk: I do?
McCoy: Many times.
Kirk: Well…
Spock: The logical thing to do is to locate the best way to overcome your fear and thereby free yourself of it. Therefore, you must face Stella.
McCoy: And the sooner the better. It'll only get harder as time goes on.
Spock: And we still have not completed our mission here.
Kirk: [blankly] Mission?
Spock: The distress call. The one that said only you could help them.
Kirk: Oh yeah. [starting to look more confident] They did say only me, didn't they?
McCoy: [encouraging] Yes, Jim. Only you.
Kirk: Well maybe I… [uncertain] I don't know though…I don't think I'm ready.
McCoy: [winking at Spock; to Kirk] Well, that's just the risk you take.
[Spock looks oblivious for a moment. McCoy kicks him.]
Spock: [comprehension dawning] Oh…yes…And risks…are our business.
McCoy: After all, when man first looked at the stars—
Kirk: [stands up abruptly] You're right. [confident] It's just another risk! To the transporter room!
[They exit.]
Act I, Scene VII
[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam in front of Stella's mansion. Kirk looks nervous, but controlled.]
Kirk: [muttering] Face my fear. I just have to face my fear…
McCoy: [encouraging] That's right, Jim.
[The trio starts walking towards the mansion. Stella sees them coming and comes running out.]
Stella: [cooing at Kirk] My treacle tart! You came back!
Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaaahhhh! [pulls out communicator; frantic] Scotty! Beam me up!
[Kirk transports out, leaving Spock and McCoy to face the oncoming Stella.]
Stella: [to nearby guards] Grab him! [points to McCoy]
[Before Spock or McCoy can react, the guards grab McCoy and toss his phaser to Stella, who turns it on Spock.]
Stella: [smiling evilly; to Spock] Well, things are a little different now, aren't they? I have a hostage.
McCoy: [scared] Oh, great. I think I'm developing stellaphobia.
Spock: [calmly] What do you intend to do?
Stella: Tell my little honeybee—
Spock: [politely] Who?
Stella: [angry] Captain Kirk!
Spock: Ah.
Stella: Tell him that if he does not come down to marry me this evening, I will…I will marry him! [points to McCoy]
[McCoy succumbs to one of the effects of stellaphobia, and faints.]
Spock: [calmly] I see. I will inform the Captain.
Stella: See that you do.
Spock: [opens communicator] Spock to Enterprise. One to beam up.
[Spock beams up. Stella goes back inside the mansion, the guards carrying the unconscious McCoy.]
Act I, Scene VIII
[Kirk is hiding in his quarters. After much searching, Spock finally locates him, to tell him Stella's demands.]
Spock: Stella says that if you do not beam down this evening and marry her, she will marry Dr. McCoy instead.
[Kirk, hiding underneath his bed, does not answer.]
Spock: [seriously] Incidentally, were you aware that you are Stella's "little honeybee?"
[Kirk shudders.]
Kirk: I can't marry her, Spock! I can't!
Spock: [solemn] Then Dr. McCoy will have to.
[Kirk moans, and comes out from under his bed. He sits on the edge of his bed.]
Kirk: [despairing] Oh, what am I going to do? I can't let her marry Bones, but I can't marry her!
[Everyone freezes.]
Narrator: Before we continue, we'd like to say that we don't condone suicide.
Gene: [exasperated] Why? Why do you have to do things like this?
Narrator: We'll continue now.
Kirk: [sighs] Why can't I take the easy way out and just kill myself?
Spock: [thoughtful] That may be a valid idea.
Act I, Scene IX
[In the capital city, it is early evening. In the mansion, Stella has McCoy tied to a large marble pillar. On a nearby pillar, Harry Mudd is tied. He is unconscious at first, but awakes after a few moments. In the upper corner of the room, a large blue fish is floating unnoticed.]
Harry: [looking around in a daze] What happened? Where am I?
McCoy: Stella found you hiding in the abandoned house on the hill behind the mansion. She tried to capture you, you fainted, and she brought you here.
Harry: Oh yeah. Now I remember. Just my luck I'd wind up back on Dedum. [sighs] I faint a lot around Stella. It's one of my symptoms.
McCoy: [interested] Oh, do you have stellaphobia too?
Harry: [rolls eyes] Are you kidding? I was one of the first people to ever have stellaphobia.
McCoy: [frowns] Then why'd you marry her?
Harry: I didn't exactly plan on it, if you know what I mean.
McCoy: [understanding] Ah.
[Stella enters, dressed in a flowing white wedding dress. Both Harry and McCoy look nervous.]
Stella: No sign of my little banana peel yet.
Harry: [mystified] Her little what?
McCoy: I think she means Jim.
Harry: Oh.
Stella: [smiles sweetly] I suppose I'll just have to marry one of you two gentlemen.
Harry: [moans] Oh no. Not again!
McCoy: [muttering to himself] Do not faint. Do not faint.
[Native4 enters the room.]
Native4: Your gloriousness, a craft has been sighted approaching the palace.
[Everyone looks out the window. A shuttlecraft is visible hurtling through the night.]
Stella: [in raptures] Hark! My peach blossom comes in—
McCoy and Harry: —his fiery chariot of love. We know.
McCoy: [frowns] Funny, I didn't think Jim would have found the courage to come.
Harry: [concerned] Um, isn't that shuttle coming in a little fast?
[It is. The shuttle is hurtling straight for the palace, with no signs of slowing down. Stella and Native4 run. Harry and McCoy brace themselves. The shuttle plows straight into the palace. Debris kick up everywhere. It is several minutes before the dust settles.]
McCoy: [crawling out from under some debris; dazed but basically unhurt] Ouch.
[He sees the wreck of the shuttle. Stella is standing by it clutching a yellow shirt with a large rip in it.]
Stella: [horrified] Alas! My beloved was too exuberant! In his haste he miscalculated and now he's dead! Oh, alas, alas!
[McCoy watches, frowning. Harry pokes his head out from under a pillar and sees also.]
McCoy: Well, he definitely didn't crash in his rush to get here.
Harry: Do you think he meant to crash though? Rather than get here?
McCoy: I don't know. He might, but Spock wouldn't let him. [frowns] I don't think he would anyway…
[Curtain drops on Act I.]
Narrator: Oh horrors! What fate is in store for our characters now? Is Kirk really dead? Will Spock be court-martialed for allowing his senior officer to commit suicide? Will McCoy marry Stella? Will Harry marry Stella? Will one of the red-shirts be called in to marry Stella? Whatever else you do, do NOT miss the next exciting installment!
Yes, I know. I'm devil's spawn.