Disclaimer: No, I don't own Star Trek. Of course I don't own Star Trek. Why would I own Star Trek? Paramount owns Star Trek, direct all complaints to them. I'll handle anything positive you wish to say.
Emp: McCoy lose his hair…well, I wasn't planning it, could be open to revision though…he's having a pretty rough time of it anyway, y'know. Or will know if you keep reading…
Trekker-T: Funny, I could have SWORN I explained this somewhere. Perhaps not. See, it's like this: Anything canon, Harry and Stella are still married. In my little world of madness though, they ARE divorced, which means Stella is perfectly free to marry anyone. Although I wouldn't put bigamy past her.
Rihannsu: [nods wisely] Ah yes. Composure missing, presumed dead. My friend Meaghan's sanity has been missing for years (her words, not mine). : ) It makes things amusing, don't y'think?
And here we are. The answer to the mystery regarding the death of Kirk. And a whole LOT of other crazy things. I seriously advise you to hang onto your chair…Enjoy!
Act II, Scene I
[Kirk is sitting on the bridge, looking scared but controlled. He is talking to Spock.]
Kirk: Brilliant plan, Spock, brilliant. Putting a dummy dressed as me in a shuttle and setting it to crash into the palace. Brilliant. Now she thinks I'm dead, and we have no more worries!
Spock: Actually, Captain, we do have a 'few worries.' First, Starfleet Command will no doubt be upset that we crashed a shuttle.
Kirk: [dismissive] They're light years away. And crashing shuttles is nothing compared to some of the stuff we've gotten into.
Spock: Then we have just one problem. Stella still has Dr. McCoy.
Kirk: [depressed] Oh yeah. Now what?
Spock: Now we beam down and rescue him while Stella is distracted.
Kirk: [panicked] Beam down? I can't! Go without me, I'll just freak out and run around screaming!
Spock: That is actually quite logical. You probably would hinder the plan.
Kirk: [quickly agreeing] Definitely. Undoubtedly. Go without me. I'll handle everything up here.
Spock: Very well.
[Spock exits. Various Unidentified Crewmembers who happen to be on the bridge shoot Kirk angry looks. He doesn't notice.]
Act II, Scene II
[A short time before, on the planet: Stella has recovered from her momentary anguish, and decides to continue with her wedding. Stella is standing amid the wreckage of the palace, looking at McCoy and Harry, who look like they want nothing more in the galaxy than to flee. The blue fish is still floating near what used to be the ceiling, for some reason completely unaffected by the falling debris.]
Stella: [studying Harry and McCoy] Let me see…which of you should I marry? I just can't decide…
[McCoy and Harry look terrified.]
Stella: [claps hands] Oh, I know how to choose! Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if it hollers let it go, eeny-meeny-miny-moe! [she winds up pointing to Harry] Looks like I'm marrying you again, Harry!
[Harry cringes, while McCoy looks relieved. At the news that he doesn't have to marry Stella, he's made a rapid and full recovery from his stellaphobia.]
Stella: [briskly] Now, I wanted to marry my darling kumquat, but since I can't, I'm going to do the next best thing. [to Harry] I want you to wear one of my Kirk-heads.
Harry: [flabbergasted] Your…your what?
Stella: [impatient] My Kirk-heads!
[Harry still looks confused, while McCoy looks intrigued.]
Stella: [exasperated] I've been having the natives build statues of my sweet baboo!
Harry: [muttering to McCoy] Her sweet what?
McCoy: [muttering back] I'm not sure, but I think she called Jim a sweet baboon.
Harry: Oh. [realizes what else Stella said; shocked] You want me to wear a statue head?!
Stella: Of course. And not just any statue head!
[Stella claps her hands twice. Three natives come in, carrying a giant head. It is the head from the first scene, now complete, with…symbolism added.]
Stella: I want you to wear this head!
Harry: [dumbstruck] I'm supposed to…wear that?
McCoy: [pointing at head] That's…that's Jim? [starts laughing uproariously]
[The head no longer looks anything like Kirk. The natives have added symbolism, and the head now has starry black eyes, and fiery red hair. All in all, it's about as ugly as Stella.]
Stella: [stamps on McCoy's foot] Don't laugh at my Kirk-head!
McCoy: [hopping on one foot] Ow!
[Stella directs the natives in lowering the giant Kirk-head (which is fortunately hollow) onto Harry's head. Harry staggers around, with the giant head, badly off balance.]
McCoy: [concerned] Hey Harry, you all right in there?
Harry: [echoing] Oh, yeah, fine. Just fine. I can't see, my shoulders hurt, I'm having trouble breathing, and any second now I'm going to…to…
[Harry teeters for a moment, then falls with a crash.]
Harry: [dazed] What happened? Am I standing?
McCoy: No.
Harry: Oh. I didn't think so.
Stella: Stand him up. [The natives do.] It's time for the wedding. [to McCoy] You may be the best man.
McCoy: Lucky me.
[A native band strikes up a wedding march.]
Stella: Oh, wait! I forgot about my bridesmaid! Well, one of you can go get—
[Stella stops speaking, as she notices a starry pillar: someone beaming in. The pillar solidifies into Spock.]
McCoy: [relieved] I never thought I'd say it, but it's great to see you, Spock.
Spock: Indeed. [steps over next to McCoy; into communicator] Spock to Enterprise, two to beam up.
[They beam out before Stella can prevent it. She shrieks in fury.]
Stella: [angry] Well! How do you like that! Running out on my wedding! At least I still have…Harcourt!
[Harry has been trying to tiptoe away, still in the giant Kirk-head.]
Stella: [angry] You get back here! You tried to sneak out at our first wedding, and it won't work this time either!
Harry: [sighs in resignation] Fine. You've got me. Go ahead with the wedding then. [dramatic] I've lived a good life. All good things must end. To every thing, there is a season. A time to live and a time to—
Stella: Oh shut up, Harry. This is no time to recite poetry.
Harry: [mutters] Like I said. All good things…
Act II, Scene III ~~Revolt of the Red-shirts!!
[Kirk is walking down a corridor of the Enterprise. He turns a corner and finds himself facing a crowd of a dozen or so red-shirts.]
Kirk: [to red-shirts in general] Oh, hello.
Red-shirt1: [cross] We're not very happy with you, Captain Kirk.
Red-shirt2: [angry] We're very displeased in fact!
Kirk: [confused] Oh? Why?
Red-shirt1: We've had just about enough of this terror you have for Stella. You sent Commander Spock down alone because you were afraid!
Kirk: [backing up] Uh, well…
Red-shirt3: You think we don't get nervous about beaming down? For heaven's sake, we beam down in red!
Red-shirt2: But do we stay aboard just because we're scared? No! We have to beam down anyway!
Red-Shirt1: But the mighty Captain Kirk gets scared of some woman and hides out on the ship!
Kirk: This is mutinous talk!
Red-Shirt4: You bet it is, Captain!
Red-Shirt2: We've had enough! We want you to beam down.
Kirk: I refuse.
Red-Shirt5: We expected you to say that.
[The red-shirts surge forward and bodily pick up Kirk. They carry him prone over their heads and march down the corridor.]
Kirk: [furious] I order you to put me down immediately! I order it! Put me down!
[The red-shirts ignore him. They carry him into the transporter room and throw him onto the transporter.]
Red-Shirt3: You will make an excellent sacrifice to Stella, to keep her from coming after us. We've taken chances beaming down for you. Now it's time you took some chances for us.
[The red-shirts beam Kirk out.]
Act II, Scene IV
[Back at Stella's mansion, the wedding is proceeding. Stella never did remember tog et her bridesmaid, so the only ones present are Stella, Harry (still in the Kirk-head), and some natives. Suddenly, Kirk beams in, laying on his back and looking dazed.]
Stella: [overjoyed] My sweet pineapple tree! You're alive!
Kirk: [frantically scuttles backward] Aaaaaahhhh! [stands up and starts running]
[Stella chases after Kirk as he flees between two pillars. The natives follow, and the blue fish winks out of sight. Harry is left standing in the middle of the empty room, with the Kirk-head still on.]
Harry: [uncertain] Um, hello? Anybody there? What happened?
[Not hearing any answer, Harry, with a bit of difficulty, takes the Kirk head off. He looks around.]
Harry: Stella? Are you around?
[There is no answer of course.]
Harry: [overjoyed] YES! Saved! I am out of here!
[Harry runs out of the mansion. Outside, he spots a native.]
Harry: Guess what? I'm back!
Native5: [disinterested] And who are you?
Harry: The Great God Harry Mudd, of course.
Native5: [shakes head] You lie. The Great God Harry Mudd has gone to join his friends among the stars.
Harry: Well I did, but now I've come back.
Native5: [sternly] Do not blaspheme!
Harry: But I…oh, never mind.
[Harry walks farther along the street.]
Harry: [muttering] Never liked it here anyway.
[Harry glances up and notices his old ceramic palace, where he used to reign. There are two punk Klingons standing guard outside the door to the palace. Harry rushes up to them.]
Harry: Lodar! Kothak! How've you been?
Lodar: Hello, Mr. Mudd. We're working for Stella now.
Harry: Oh. [deeply sympathetic] I'm so sorry.
Kothak: [with feeling] So are we. [shrugs] But she's the only person on this planet who pays in anything besides pottery.
Harry: [eyes lit up] Not now that I'm back! How'd you like your old jobs back? A couple Klingons could be useful.
[Kothak and Lodar look at each other.]
Kothak: Well…
Harry: I'll pay you well.
Lodar: Deal. We're not doing anything interesting here anyhow.
Harry: Er, what are you doing here?
Kothak: Guarding Ooga-ooga.
Harry: [shocked] You're what?
Lodar: Guarding Ooga-ooga, Stella's monster bridesmaid.
Kothak: She wanted to make sure she was prettier then her bridesmaid, so she got a giant, four-legged green monster as her bridesmaid.
Harry: [taken aback] Oh. Speaking of Stella, we better go before she notices I'm gone.
Lodar: Sure, Mr. Mudd. We can probably escape through the Dedum forest.
Harry: Sounds good.
[They head for the forest.]
Narrator: What could be in store next?! You will never guess where the forest leads! Stay tuned!
Do stay tuned. So far, I've been halfway rational…that will be changing next chapter. Sets will start falling for one thing…BWAHAHAHAHAH!
Ahem, don't mind the crazy lady, just leave a review as you go out the door…