Disclaimer: Me? Own Star Trek? Nope!
Rihannsu (or rather, Hobgoblin): Thanks, I thought the baboon was rather inspired myself. ^_^
Emp: A little glory, but not too much. It might turn their heads.
Meredith: Now, now, I never kill reviewers! People with evil cliffhangers are another matter entirely…(HINT to certain people who know who they are…)
And here we go, more totally wacko insanity. Sorry it took so long, but here it finally is. (And you may not have been mystified by Kirk's death, but I have a strong suspicion you won't guess what's on the other side of Dedum's forest…heeheehee…)
Act II, Scene V
[Kirk has succeeded in escaping Stella for the moment. He flees to the poorer section of town. He calms down somewhat, and wanders through the town. He is stopped by one of the natives.]
Native6: Are you The Captain?
Kirk: Uh, yeah. I guess so.
Native6: Then you received our message!
Kirk: You sent me a message?
Native6: [nodding vigorously] Oh yes. Not me personally, but the MTGHBGHMAAFU movement.
Kirk: [bewildered] The…the what movement?
Native6: The MTGHBGHMAAFU movement. The 'Make The Goddess Happy By Getting Her Married And Away From Us' movement. You see, it is very difficult for us with her as ruler, but we are obligated to try to make her happy, because she bears the name Mudd. So we sent for you to come and marry her so she will be happy and go away and leave us alone.
Kirk: Oh. [dubious] Makes perfect sense.
Native6: Yes. Have you married her yet?
Kirk: Uh…no. But I'm working on it.
Native6: Please be quick. We are anxious for her to go.
Kirk: I'll…try.
[Kirk and the native part ways, and Kirk wanders farther into the poor section of town. All of the buildings are covered in large murals. Kirk pauses in front of one particular building. This was one was painted by rebellious artists who objected to Stella's insistences on 'symbolism.' As protest, they have painted this entire building with pictures of Kirk that actually look like Kirk. Kirk is suitably impressed.]
Kirk: [awed] What a beautiful building!
[Kirk sits down in front of the building to bask in the glory.]
Act II, Scene VI
[Meanwhile, Harry, Lodar, and Kothak emerge at the other end of the forest. They find themselves in a rural farm area, near a large white farmhouse. This is not where they expected to be.]
Narrator: Harry and the Punk Klingons have emerged from the forest to find themselves in…Iowa. Yes, Iowa. Specifically, Riverside, Iowa. More specifically, Kirk's mother's house.
Harry: [bewildered] But we were on Dedum! How can we be in Iowa?!
Narrator: Very simple. The sets are connected.
Gene: [furious] You can't say things like that! You were supposed to say it was a planetary wormhole!
Narrator: [earnest] But Gene, don't you think our viewers deserve to know the truth, the reali—
Gene: [to Narrator] Oh, just forget it! [to Harry] Listen, Harry, go back to Dedum.
Harry: Are you kidding? Stella's on Dedum. I'd rather stay in Iowa. Besides, I'd kind of like to meet Kirk's mother.
Gene: [urgent] No, really, go back in the forest!
[Harry, Lodar and Kothak walk up to the farmhouse. Harry knocks on the door. After a moment the door opens to reveal…Uhura.]
Harry: [surprised] Uhura! What are you doing in Iowa?
Uhura: Well, I'm…Captain Kirk's mother.
[They stare at her.]
Uhura: [embarrassed] Well, not really, but the actress who usually plays her has a cold and called in sick. And they didn't need me on the bridge, so I'm subbing.
Gene: [groans] I told him to go back into the forest.
Harry: Mind if we look around the place a little, uh, 'Mrs. Kirk?'
Uhura: No, go ahead.
[Harry and the punk Klingons wander out behind the house. They notice Kirk's boyhood tree house, and walk towards it.]
Gene: No, Harry, don't go in the tree house.
Harry: It looks interesting.
[Harry, Lodar, and Kothak climb up into the tree house. Meanwhile, the Narrator has slipped around behind the set and is standing by Gene.]
Narrator: [whispers] Why shouldn't they go into the tree house anyway?
Gene: Because we used it in last month's show as—
Harry: [from inside the tree house; surprised] Hey! There's a control panel in here!
Gene: [alarmed] No, don't touch the control—
[The tree house starts to vibrate. Suddenly it rises up into the air and takes the tree with it.]
Gene: [holding his head] He shouldn't go in there because last month we used part of it as an alien vessel and it still has—
Harry: This thing's got warp engines!
Gene: [urgent] Harry, land the tree house!
Harry: [sticks head out window] Not a chance. If I stay in Iowa, Stella can come through the forest and find me. But if I fly somewhere else, I'll be safe!
Gene: [angry] I absolutely forbid it!
Harry: Tough!
[The tree house (and tree) rise up into the sky. Before they get very far though, they hit something with a resounding crash and come falling back to the ground.]
Harry: [dazed] What happened?
Gene: [quickly] Atmospheric disturbance.
Narrator: Actually, you hit the roof of the warehouse where we keep the Iowa set.
Gene: [furious] You weren't supposed to say that!
Harry: [thinking] Well…if we fly low we ought to be fine then.
[The tree house takes off again, and flies into the distance over the farmland. The Narrator waves good-bye.]
Gene: [moans] This show is not going very well.
Narrator: [comforting] Maybe the next scene will go better.
Harry: [from the distant tree house; to the punk Klingons] Uh, are you sure we know how to steer this thing?
Gene: [depressed] I really doubt it very much.
Narrator: [perplexed] Doubt that the next scene will go better or doubt that they know what they're doing?
Gene: [bitter] Both!
Act II, Scene VII
[Kirk is standing by what used to be the building with the Kirk-murals. Where the building was, there is now a tall stack of flat wall segments, carefully cut apart to preserve the paintings. (It was an extremely flimsy building to begin with. A shack, really.)]
Kirk: [looking at the stack] There! I must return to my ship. But I can't bear to leave such beauty behind. So now that I've dismantled the building I can take it with me!
[With quite a large amount of effort that for some unaccountable reason causes his shirt to rip, Kirk successfully lifts all the walls onto his back. He trudges off, bent over double with the walls balanced on top of him. He starts to walk back towards the nicer section of town. He ends up right in front of the Victorian mansion without realizing it, because he can't see very well with the walls on his back. Stella, however, spots him immediately.]
Stella: [overjoyed] Sweetie Poo!
Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaahhhh!
[Kirk flees, scattering murals in every direction. Stella chases after him.]
Stella: Wait, baby cakes!
[Kirk, frantically trying to escape, pulls his tricorder out.]
Kirk: [shrieking at tricorder] Kirk to Enterprise! Emergency beam up!
Stella: Come back, doll baby!
Kirk: [discarding tricorder and grabbing his phaser] Beam up! Beam up!
Stella: Love bug!
[Kirk, still fleeing, finally locates his communicator, and opens it.]
Kirk: [desperately] Kirk to Enterprise! Beam me up, Scotty!
Scotty: [over communicator] Aye, Captain. Right away.
[Kirk stops running and stares at his communicator, genuinely surprised to have received an answer. Stella takes advantage of his pause and tackles him around the legs.]
Kirk: Aaaaaaahhh!
Stella: Now I have you, poopsie!
[Kirk vanishes in the transporter beam, leaving Stella behind.]
Stella: Curses! Foiled again!
[In the distance a flying tree and tree house can be seen. They fly closer and come into the city. They are flying very erratically. They nearly hit a floating blue fish, but somehow it seems unaffected. They do bang into Stella's palace, though, demolishing what little was left of it.]
Harry: [from the tree house; mildly] Oops.
Lodar: [also in tree house] I think you hit the wrong button, Mr. Mudd.
Harry: It does look that way. Especially since… [panicked] Oh no! We're in Dedum again! [muttering] Now which of these buttons…
[The tree house goes careening across the landscape, hitting several buildings. Stella is standing amid the wreckage of her palace, shrieking.]
Stella: [shrieking] Harcourt Fenton Mudd, I'll get you for this! Mark my words I'll get you! How dare you—
[The tree house swings back over and knocks the one remaining wall down.]
Harry: Whoops. Guess that wasn't the right button either.
Stella: [infuriated] Yaaaaaaagh!
[Still floating along, the blue fish is laughing uproariously as the tree house goes careening across the landscape.]
[Curtain drops on Act II.]
So there went the sets. The first few anyway. Mwahahahahahah. I calculate another two chapters to go. Brace for further insanity. : )