Disclaimer: Star Trek is…NOT mine! Such a pity too. It would be a funnier Star Trek today if it was mine…
Silverfang: Insanity. Couldn't have summed it up better myself. : ) Yeah, convulsing with laughter does become painful after awhile. But it's a lot of fun.
Emp: No one pays any attention to Gene. They're too busy running rampant. And of course Kirk can tell a communicator from a phaser, but not while running from Stella. He forgets little things like opening communicators too, y'know. : )
Hanakin: Oh, he's terrified.
Keridwen: It is rather random, isn't it? Your reviews, and my story both.
Guru: Oh, are you planning to take over the world? Funny, I have a couple friends (Megan and Meaghan) who are planning exactly the same thing. Well anyway, thank you for your kind offer of a country. If no one's got dibs I'll take Ireland. Or Prince Edward Island. I've never been to either, but they both sound very nice…
Contrarywise: Coherence is overrated.
I apologize profusely. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been busy with React, if you're not reading it you should be. : ) But, here we have another lovely chapter of Everyone Goes Nuts. Seatbelts strongly advised.
Act III, Scene I
[On the Enterprise, Kirk comes rushing onto the bridge, and sits in the central chair.]
Kirk: [firm] Leave orbit. Now. Immediately. If not sooner.
[Spock comes over from his science station.]
Spock: [calm] Captain. I see you have returned from the surface. While you were gone I rescued Dr. McCoy from the surface. I have also compiled a list of the names of the crewmembers who beamed you down, and they are being firmly punished by their department heads.
Kirk: [frantic] Never mind that! We've got get out of here! Mr. Sulu! Leave orbit!
Spock: [to Sulu] Belay that. [to Kirk] We cannot leave orbit at this time.
Kirk: [devastated] What?
Spock: There has been a complication with the warp engines. A cactus seems to have become lodged in the matter-antimatter chamber. It is naturally a delicate process to remove it, and we cannot use engines while it is there. Mr. Scott estimates several hours at least before he can get it out.
Kirk: [bleak] We're stuck. I'm stuck. And Stella's still after me. I need protection!
[Kirk rushes off of the bridge.]
Slightly later:
[Kirk comes back onto the bridge, wearing golden armor, much like the type knights are traditionally shown wearing. It squeaks badly. He sits in the command chair and looks satisfied. All the bridge crew, except Spock, try to avoid looking at him so as to prevent laughter. After a few minutes the red alert sirens go off.]
Kirk: [alarmed] What's the problem? Why are we at red alert?
Sulu: [looking at read-outs at his station] We have an intruder alert! Stella has found a way to beam aboard and is terrorizing the crewmembers in the corridors.
Kirk: Intruder! Stella! I need better protection!
[Kirk rushes off again. Spock follows after Kirk. The bridge crew look at each other, unsure what to do.]
Act III, Scene II
[Sometime later, on the bridge. Kirk is standing on his command chair. He is standing because he cannot sit down. In fact, he can't do anything. He is now wrapped in a single sheet of metal. He cannot move, see, hear, or talk. He is therefore completely oblivious to everything around him. He is happy though, because Stella cannot possibly reach him. There is no sign of Spock. The rest of the bridge crew is there (except Uhura). They are sitting at their stations and shooting strange looks at Kirk.
After a short time of this, the turbolift doors open, and Stella comes onto the bridge. The bridge crew screams and runs for the second turbolift to escape. Kirk is oblivious. Stella notices the golden figure in Kirk's chair, and assumes correctly that it is Kirk. She approaches.]
Stella: I've found you now, Sugar Plums! You may think you're disguised under all that, but I know it's you.
[Kirk is oblivious.]
Stella: [romantic] Oh, honey bunny, isn't it wonderful being here on the bridge…alone… You're always so busy rushing off back to your ship that we never have any time together…
[Kirk is still oblivious.]
Stella: Now though…we're alone…together. Oh, Ducky Poo, can't you just feel the ambiance?
[The tree house comes flying overhead, and knocks down half the bridge.]
Harry: Wrong button again. [sticks head out window] Oh wow. We just wrecked the bridge! The Enterprise sets must be connected too.
[Stella and Kirk were both knocked down when the tree house flew over. Stella staggers to her feet, just as the tree house swings around and careens by again. It knocks her and most of the rest of the bridge down. Somehow it misses the blue fish, which is floating near Uhura's station, laughing very hard.]
Gene: [outraged] What have you done to my set?!! Harry, land that tree house! Now!
Harry: What do you think I'm trying to do-ooo…?
[The tree house crashes through another wall and goes soaring off towards the Sickbay set. Stella chases after it.]
Stella: [furious] Harcourt Fenton Mudd! How dare you ruin things just as Ducky Poo was becoming romantic!
[The bridge is in shambles. All the walls have come down, and Dedum can be seen behind the science station. Kirk's chair is overturned, and Kirk is lying amid the wreckage. He is lying on his back (or possibly his face; it's difficult to tell) in the rubble, still completely oblivious.]
Gene: [clutching his head again] Oh, what a show! Look at this mess! I'll write Harry out for this! And this wreck is being filmed! [desperate] There's got to be a fast way to hide this! [trying to think] Okay, um, let it snow.
Technician: [confused] You want us to do what?
Gene: Snow! We have the effects for snow! Make it snow on the bridge and hide everything while we fix it!
Technician: Well, all right, you're the boss.
[Gentle snow starts falling on the ruin of the bridge.]
Gene: Faster! I want a blizzard!
[A giant blanket of snow falls down in one big swoosh and covers the entire bridge, including Kirk, who—still—is oblivious.]
Act III, Scene III
[Some time later: The technical crew for the show are working to repair the bridge set. Meanwhile, several red-shirts from the Enterprise crew have arrived. They are working to dig the bridge out from under the load of snow. They have dug a path from the turbolift to the central chair, and are working to shovel out the area around the helm and navigation stations. As they shovel, they uncover Kirk, who is still wrapped in his metal armor.]
Red-shirt6: [poking at Kirk with his shovel] Hey, look. We found…something.
Red-shirt7: [dubious] I think it's a person…maybe?
[Red-shirt8 shoulders past them to look at Kirk.]
Red-shirt8: That's a person all right. That's the Captain. I heard about how he put armor on to protect himself from Stella.
Red-shirt7: Maybe we ought to wear something like that when we beam down.
Red-shirt6: That's not a bad idea. It might help. [considers] Sometimes.
Red-shirt7: Let's pull some of the armor off him and ask where he got it.
[The red-shirts start pulling some of the armor off one end of Kirk. They uncover his feet. They move to the other end and pull some of that armor off, to reveal Kirk's head.]
Kirk: [surprised] Oh, hello. Has it been snowing?
[The red-shirts help Kirk stand up.]
Red-shirt8: Harry flew through and wrecked the bridge, so Gene had it snow to hide the damage.
Kirk: Oh. That…almost makes sense. Is…she still aboard?
Red-shirt6: You mean Stella, sir?
Kirk: [frowns (the armor prevents him from wincing)] Right.
Red-shirt7: No one's exactly sure. Things are getting very muddled. She hasn't beamed off or anything, but she might have run onto Dedum, or even to Iowa. It's getting very strange.
Kirk: [desolate] She hasn't beamed off? She might still be aboard?
Red-shirt7: It's possible.
Kirk: [fearful] I've got to get out of here!
[Kirk tries to flee, but can't move his legs inside the armor. He falls over.]
Kirk: [lying face-down in the snow] Help.
[The red-shirts pick Kirk up again.]
Kirk: Help me get this stuff off.
[The red-shirts help Kirk pull off most of the armor. Underneath, he is wearing his uniform, the shirt still ripped in places. As soon as he can move his legs again, he flees, shedding bits of armor as he runs. He disappears through where the turbolift door used to be (Harry knocked that down too). The red-shirts watch him go, and then go back to shoveling.]
Slightly later: the technical crew has finished repairing the bridge. Likewise, the red-shirts have shoveled out most of the snow. Some snow is still lying in drifts against the stations, but the bridge is mostly clear. The technicians are putting the last touches on the consoles. In the distance, the tree house can be seen hurtling towards the bridge.]
Gene: Harry, don't you dare!
Harry: [inside the tree house; upset] This thing has a mind of it's own, Gene!
[The tree house plows through the bridge, destroying it once again.]
Gene: [resigned] More snow.
[A blanket of snow falls onto the bridge, covering the wreckage. The technicians pull themselves out and start rebuilding. The red-shirts dig themselves out and start shoveling again.]
Act III, Scene IV
[Kirk is rushing down a non-descript corridor on the Enterprise, trying to get away from Stella, who is not actually anywhere in sight. But she's somewhere on the ship, so he's trying to escape. He goes past an adjoining corridor. Spock and McCoy are in that corridor, and they notice him going by. They follow after him.]
McCoy: Hey Jim, wait a minute!
Kirk: [keeps moving] No time, Stella's still here, gotta get away.
Spock: Captain, there is no indication that Stella is even in this section of the ship.
Kirk: She is. I am, so she's bound to be.
McCoy: This is all part of your stellaphobia.
Kirk: You bet.
McCoy: But you've got to try to control it! You were making such wonderful progress before we came back.
[Kirk finally stops walking and turns to face them.]
Kirk: Control. Right. Okay, Bones. I'll try.
[Stella comes rushing out of another corridor and sees Kirk.]
Stella: Sweetie cakes!
Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!
[Kirk flees down the corridor, with Stella in hot pursuit.]
Stella: Wait, sugar blossom!
McCoy: So much for control.
[McCoy and Spock follow Stella and Kirk down the corridor. After a few minutes, they come to the end of the corridor, only to find themselves in the capitol city of Dedum. (The sets, of course, connect.) Kirk keeps running, oblivious to his surroundings, and Stella follows. Spock and McCoy, though, stop and look around. The city is in ruins. Harry has knocked over more buildings, but that isn't enough to account for all the wreckage. The reason for much of the damage becomes apparent when a giant green four-legged monster lumbers into view.]
McCoy: [shocked] What is that thing?!
Spock: [philosophical] Yet another life form we haven't encountered before. There never seems to be an end to them.
[McCoy stops a fleeing native who is running past.]
McCoy: Hey you! What is that monster?
Native7: Ooga-ooga!
McCoy: [blinks] Uh, sorry, I guess the universal translator isn't work—
Native7: [points at monster] No! That is Ooga-ooga! The Great Goddess Stella Mudd's bridesmaid!
McCoy: [taken aback] That's a bridesmaid?
Native7: Ooga-ooga was being guarded by the Punk Klingons, but they have abandoned their posts and the bridesmaid has escaped to rend and destroy! I must flee to the countryside where my fellows have gone!
[Native7 runs off. McCoy and Spock continue watching Ooga-ooga as she destroys more buildings.]
McCoy: [eyeing Ooga-ooga uneasily] Fleeing to the countryside might be a good idea…
Spock: But first we must locate the Captain.
McCoy: That's right. Jim. I forgot about him. We better find him and get out of here.
[Before they can start, Harry and the tree house come flying over.
Gene: Not again! Harry!
Harry: [panicked] This thing is completely out of my control…!
[The tree house knocks more sets down. The Mess Hall of the Enterprise is plainly visible behind the ruins of Stella's palace. The tree house soars off into the distance again.]
Gene: Snow! More snow!
[A thick blanket of snow falls over Dedum. This does not halt Ooga-ooga's rampage.]
McCoy: [looking around] We better find Jim and get out of here fast.
[Spock and McCoy set out to look for Kirk. They do not notice the large blue fish following them.]
Narrator: Unbelievable! What will happen next? More falling sets? More screaming? A return to Iowa? An explanation for the strange blue fish? All of the above? Whatever happens, don't miss the next exciting installment!!
I expect it to be the concluding installment too…and I have every intention of going out with a bang…literally. Heeheehee…