Disclaimer: We've been over this so many times. I still don't own Star Trek. If I ever did own Star Trek, you'd know about it.
Silverfang: Don't worry, things will finally settle out. For example…ah, but that would be telling, wouldn't it? Just read on.
Emp: Yeah, poor Gene. And Kirk. They'll both live though, I promise.
Tricksy Hobbitses: I get the feeling you enjoyed
this. Yes, yes, poor, poor Gene.
Here we are…the lights dim, the curtain rises. The concluding installment of Everyone Goes Nuts. Theater seats specially equipped with seatbelts.
Act III, Scene V
Narrator: Spock and McCoy finally catch up to Kirk in Iowa. Yes, Iowa. Specifically, River—
Gene: We already heard it!
Narrator: [disgruntled] All right, all right. Anyway…Kirk has successfully managed to lose Stella in the forests of Dedum, just as Stella has successfully managed to lose herself. Simply put, Stella is lost in the forest, while Kirk flees frantically through the farm country, Spock and McCoy in pursuit.
McCoy: [winded] Jim…wait! Stella's…long gone!
Kirk: Aaaaahhh!
Spock: The Captain does not seem to be responding to the urges of logic or common sense.
McCoy: If you mean he…panicked and isn't…thinking straight I'd have to…agree.
[Kirk runs into the white farmhouse, Spock and McCoy just behind him. Inside, Uhura is sitting in the living room. Kirk dashes for the stairs.]
Kirk: [to Uhura] Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.
[Kirk disappears upstairs.]
McCoy: What are you doing here, Uhura… [stops; perplexed] Did he just call you 'Mom?'
Uhura: The actress who normally plays the Captain's mother called in sick, so I'm subbing.
McCoy: Oh. Well, okay…Mrs. Kirk. [starts to laugh] Sorry…Mrs. Kirk. [laughs harder]
Spock: Doctor, this is not the time.
McCoy: Right…right. We need to talk to Jim. Mind if we go upstairs…Mrs. Kirk? [starts to laugh again]
Uhura: [shrugs] What do I care? Not my house.
[Spock and McCoy go upstairs. After a bit of searching, they locate Kirk in the guest bedroom, hiding under the bed. McCoy crouches down by the bed to talk to him, while Spock stands at the door.]
McCoy: Jim? You under there?
Kirk: No. No, I am not here. I am on Quo'nos. When Stella comes, tell her I am waiting for her on Quo'nos. Better yet, tell her I am waiting for her in the Delta Quadrant.
McCoy: [frowns] Quo'nos is the Klingon home world, and even at maximum warp it would take a century to get to the Delta Quadrant.
Kirk: Exactly.
McCoy: Jim, you've got to face up to your fear of Stella!
Kirk: I do not. Not when there's beds to hide under.
[McCoy continues trying to reason with Kirk. Spock, meanwhile, finally notices the blue fish, floating in a corner. When the fish sees that Spock is looking at him, he winks out of sight and reappears in the room behind Spock. Spock turns and addresses him.]
Spock: Are you an intelligent life form, and if so, why are you here?
Fish: [amused] Now that's what I call one heck of a first contact line!
Spock: You speak English. This indicates that you are intelligent.
Fish: You better believe it!
Spock: [blinks] Why?
Fish: [perplexed] Why what?
Spock: Why is it necessary for me to believe that you are intelligent? Such a belief would facilitate communication, but there is no discernible reason why it is absolutely necessary for me to believe that you are intelligent.
Fish: [starts laughing] Oh, man. I've got to come to this time more often. 'Why?' [continues laughing] You should meet this guy I know named Data.
Spock: Since we have established your intelligence, would you please identify yourself and your race?
Fish: [nods (I'm not sure fish have necks, but he nods anyway)] Very reasonable question. Very reasonable indeed. I am Q. Of the Q Continuum. I am capable of doing anything I want, including taking on any form. At the moment you see me as a blue fish.
Spock: Fascinating. Does your admission that you are capable of doing anything indicate that you are responsible for the more unusual events of the last day?
Q: No, actually. I could've if I wanted to, of course, but you people are plenty interesting on your own. [laughs again] I really have to remember to come here more often. The things Jean Luc would say!
Spock: You find us interesting?
Q: Well sure. Why do you think I'm here? I'm bored. And all this running and screaming is decidedly amusing.
Spock: I must report this contact to the Federation. We have never encountered a life form at all like you.
Q: Oh, but I don't want you to report me. I'm having a great time just like this. And besides, Starfleet can worry about me in ninety years.
Spock: It is my duty to report contact.
Q: I'd rather you didn't. It would be simple to make you forget the whole thing, but that's rather dull. Instead…
[There is a blinding flash. When it fades, there is no visible change.]
Q: Well, there we are.
Spock: [blinks] This is not logical.
Q: Of course not.
[The fish blinks out of sight. Spock returns to McCoy and Kirk, who has finally been coaxed out from under the bed. Neither of them noticed the exchange with the fish.]
McCoy: [to Kirk] Now just remember, Stella is lost somewhere in the forest. She is nowhere near. There is no cause for alarm.
Kirk: [nervous] Right. I am calm. I am calm. I am in control.
[There is the sound of footsteps on the stairs.]
McCoy: That you, Uhura? I mean, Mrs. Kirk?
Stella: [coming up the stairs] I certainly ain't his mother! Where is my little kumquat?!
Kirk: [panicked] Aaaaaaahhh!
[Kirk dives out the nearest window.]
McCoy: So much for calm.
[Stella runs into the room.]
Stella: Dovepie, wait!
[Stella jumps out the window as well.]
Spock: This is not logical.
McCoy: You can say that again.
Spock: This is not logical.
[McCoy looks at him strangely.]
McCoy: Right. We better follow Jim. But let's take the stairs.
[They start to head for the stairs when Harry's voice is heard in the distance.]
Harry: [panicked] Oh no, not again!
[The tree house plows through the farmhouse. When the dust settles, the entire Iowa set has collapsed. The wreckage of the Dedum set is visible to the left, and beyond it the partially rebuilt Enterprise sets. To the right we can see what appears to be the rocky surface of an alien planet, with a green sky. Q, still in the guise of a blue fish, is laughing uproariously.]
Gene: [near hysterical] More snow! More snow!
[A huge mound of snow falls onto the ruins of the Iowa set. Spock and McCoy pull themselves out of the mess.]
Spock: This is not logical.
McCoy: This is no time to be talking about logic! Our entire galaxy is literally collapsing around us!
[Things become very confused. Dedum natives, Enterprise crewmembers, Iowa farmers and Star Trek technician crews move freely through the adjoined sets. Actually, 'move freely' is incorrect. Run wildly is closer. Stella continues chasing the terrified Kirk, who is running in circles and screaming. Ooga-ooga continues her rampaging. Harry careens around in the tree house and knocks more walls down. Q is nearly falling out of the sky laughing.]
Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!
Stella: Pumpkin!
Spock: This is not logical.
Harry: Oh no oh no oh no!
[Crash.]
Gene: Snow! More snow!
Technician: We're out of snow, Gene!
Scotty: What 'ave ye done to me ship?!
Q: If Jean Luc could see this! [continues laughing]
McCoy: Has everyone gone nuts?!
[Harry plows into more sets. When the dust settles, it becomes apparent that we are in a Hollywood filming lot. There are a large number of people with scripts, cameras, etc. Several writers are sitting at a table frantically trying to type an ending for the show, as it has gone badly off course. Kirk flees from the whole wreck, only to find himself in a western.]
Kirk: [looking around] How did I get to the O.K. Corral?
Director: [angry] You in the space suit! What are you trying to do, ruin my shot?!
Kirk: [frazzled] Sorry, I just…Stella…Ooga-ooga…Harry…sets…Gene…fish…
Cowboy: I think the transporter scrambled his brains.
[The tree house plows through and scatters the western set in every direction.]
Harry: [hysterical] Somebody stop this thing!
[Stella, losing sight of Kirk, chases after the writers, who scatter.]
Writer1: Talk about having your characters come to life!
Writer2: [fleeing Stella] This is a little too lifelike!
Stella: Wait, my little gardenias!
Spock: This is not logical.
[Ooga-ooga storms through the nearby studio cafeteria. Various other actors carrying food flee.]
UC1: After her, men! We must stop this rampaging monster!
UC2: Count me out! I'm in red!
[Several of the Enterprise crewmembers chase after Ooga-ooga with phasers. Q keeps laughing. Gene is running in every direction at once, trying to regain control.]
Gene: [frantic] Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
[There is no response. Everyone continues running amok.]
Gene: [enraged] As the creator of this show, I said STOP!
[Everything stops. Ooga-ooga grinds to a halt, and it is suddenly apparent that she is nothing but a robot, and not even a very good one. The phasers cease working, as do all other technology. Harry and the tree house land abruptly, and do not appear to have the capability to ever fly. The scattering of snow that still lies on the ground turns out to be confetti. Only the characters stay the same, while everything else is revealed to be props and special effects. Q alone is completely unaffected. The characters slowly pull themselves out of the wreckage and come over by Gene.]
Gene: [furious] All right, this has been quite enough. Never have I seen a show go so badly off course! That wasn't Star Trek, that was an hour of barely contained insanity. Make that not even contained! [to Harry] As for you, don't be surprised if you're entirely written out!
Harry: Aw, Gene…
Gene: [ignoring Harry; to Kirk] And you can expect every bed in this place to be removed by tomorrow!
Kirk: I'm sorry, Gene, but…
Gene: [to Q] And you! I don't know who you are or where you came from, but whatever you did to Spock, fix it!
Q: [gracious] Certainly.
[There is a flash.]
Spock: This is not logic… [blinks; looks around] We are not in Iowa anymore.
Gene: We most definitely aren't in Iowa. And further, we aren't in Star Trek either. I'm ending this show right here and now. It is hereby stricken from the official records. You got that? None of this happened! No one saw this show!
[Gene turns and looks directly toward the viewers. He speaks to someone not visible.]
Gene: And you, with the camera! Quit filming!
[There is a click and everything goes black…]
That's all, folks! Hope you had fun, I know I did. : ) Soon as I get another one ready for posting, you'll be the first to know.
Leave a review as you leave please, thank you.