Title: the beating of your heart

Author: wintercreek

Disclaimer: Most of it doesn't belong to me.  The poem belongs to Alice Walker.  Danielle continues to be mine.  Although she seems to be Xander's as well. . . .

Spoilers: Only through S6.  AU from then on.

Dedication: For Allison, who introduced me to the lovely poem which inspired this chapter.

A/N: It's been a long time.  Hopefully someone will still read this.

Italic text denotes thought.

***********

"Danielle, we need to talk."  The words echoed through her mind as she sat, lonely and scared, waiting silently in the park.  Xander had asked to meet her there, and he hadn't sounded happy about it.  "Danielle, we need to talk."

What does he mean?  What couldn't he say to me over the phone?

There was nothing for it but to wait.  So Danielle waited, her legs crossed neatly and lady-like at the ankle, her heart full of dread.  He's going to leave me.

~*~

Watching him stride into the park made her breath catch in her throat.  You can't leave me.  I need you.  Danielle seldom admitted need, but she was close to it now.  Everyone says how good I am for you.  If only they knew how good you are for me.

~*~

Xander's steps faltered as he approached Danielle's bench.  "Hello," he managed to utter.

"Hello.  Xander, why . . . ?"

"I need to say something, to know something.  I don't think this is going to work.  It's . . . I don't share your faith.  When I look at a church, all I see is beautiful woodwork.  Pretty windows.  There's nothing else there.

"When I look at you, there's something there.  Something I haven't felt before.  I can't describe it fully.  If you know what I mean, then maybe there's enough to make this work.  But if what I can't see means more than what I feel, then we can't do this."

"Xander, I don't understand."  Danielle was sincerely baffled.  "What gave you the idea that I needed you to believe the same things I do?  Do you know that Alice Walker poem?

love is not concerned

with whom you pray

or where you slept

the night you ran away

love is concerned

that the beating of your heart

should kill no one.

If you looked at a church and saw only firewood, I would still . . . love you."

"You love me?"

"I do.  I love you."  It felt good to say it.

It felt fantastic to hear.  "I love you too.  Does this mean . . . I just . . . how do you feel when you look at me?  Do you feel it, too?"

"When I look at you.  Hmm.  It's difficult to articulate, but I'll try.  Sometimes when we're together, I can't see you but I still know you're there.  It's a deep certainty that I don't need to confirm; it's a kind of visceral knowledge that no matter what happens, you'll be beside me, doing whatever needs to be done.  It's the security I've been looking for.

"People like to tell me how strong I am.  How I'm their rock.  I can lean on you, Xander.  You're the first person I've found in a long time with whom I can be me.  Not strong.  Not weak.  Me."

"Wow."

"I take it that was the answer you were looking for?"  Danielle was flushed, but her voice was still calm.

"I . . . yeah."

"Phew.  Thank God that's done."

"You were nervous?"

"Of course I was, silly.  I thought I'd lose you."

"Oh."  And with those few moments, Xander finally saw not only how much good it did for him to love Danielle, but also how good it was for her to be loved by him.  Now all that remained was to get his grandmother's ring.