NAME: Towel (10/22/01 - 10/30/01)
E-MAIL: MoonTowel18@msn.com
TITLE: Papa-Kenji. Please No More
RATING: PG-13
NOTE: Okay here starts the third chapter from the finale. Last week (or
weeks before that depending when I finish this one chapter) involved Usagi
running into a prostitute named Michiru who gave her a job working at a
discreet club thing where Usagi, reluctantly of course, ended up falling
into the trap with plans of her own. Fast forward ahead, Haruka and Doctor
Mizuno had been arrested but Haruka was bailed, Doctor Mizuno had her own
dough. Fast-forward, Mamoru is leading Usagi to his home to sleep with
her. No one really knows why its just. well it just HAPPENED. They just
knew each other some how. Or is Mamoru leading Usagi on? We'll find out
here in probably the saddest chapter. Okay read on. Listened most while
writing: TLC "I Miss You So Much."
DISCLAIMER: Sailor Moon 1992-2001. Naoko Takeuchi. Kondansha Ltd. And
Toei Animation.
Thanks: Naoko
~~~~~~~~~~PAPA-KENJI. PLEASE NO MORE~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER 6
Early morning. Usagi felt his baking heat next to hers. A nice warm but a disappointing one considering he didn't touch her. He didn't hold her. The sun came swooping rays from out of the sky into the blond's closed baby- blues eyes and with each peek the rays would pull her eyelids up further. Her tired eyes. They opened and she immediately watched the ceiling seeing and hearing the buzz of the ceiling fan vibrate in twirls with enough wind to keep her remained drenched in a sweaty mess. Her longs legs barred under the sheets and the heavy blanket seem to wonder around for some air, somewhere to breath until she poked her right leg down from under onto the floor. The cool air.
Usagi sighed and turned her attention toward the man lying across her on his stomach arms draped out and still sleeping. His handsome face, his dark hair, his closed dark blue eyes, he slept. almost like a baby.
Like a baby, Usagi thought smiling at the man. The. stranger. He treated me so good. Better than anyone. So, so, good. But why was he so afraid to kiss me, and touch me?
Usagi let it go. She didn't want to wonder about that she just wanted more of the man. She wanted him to wake up and take her away again. To blow her mind like he'd done last night. Turn her completely out until she couldn't take it anymore and had to cringe into a ball of immense delight.
And "forever" was the word. Forever she wanted to remain there in that bed with him, forever. Leaning forward to kiss the man's neck she understood that she couldn't stay. She'd done this for pure pleasure, not fun. Done this to take away his stress, his pain, and at the same time she got some of the same respite as he did. But now it had to end. The way he came stepping into the club like a prince toward her. The way he danced with her despite the music blaring and the lights churning in their heat. The way he entrapped her, seduced her lips and hands to touch him. The way he felt right, felt like he had something going on with him that could prove beneficial to her completeness in life.
"He was perfect," she whispered to herself admiring his every breath of air. "Absolutely perfect and if I wasn't desperately in need of money I'd stay with him forever but no one like him could have me. No one deserves such a burden."
The blond turned from him and eyed the blue blanket covering her lap. She ran her hand through her head pulling back her scalped in anticipation and frustration. To leave him now or to wait and talk to him while they both laid with one another. To have a nice wonderful early morning honey conversation. To have a husband, and have a child come running into the room a minute later demanding they wake up for breakfast smiling like the sunrise. Usagi could practically see the door across the room open up but when it revealed the child there was Shingo instead.
"Usagi!" he hollered angrily. "How could you do this!? HOW!? HOW!? You're suppose to be my sister! You're suppose to be better than this! WHY!?"
Usagi shook her head sucked like quicksand into the illusion troubled at Shingo's "presence." "No, no, Shingo please don't be mad. I can explain it all," she implored toward Shingo's ghost. "I'm doing this all for you. For you Shingo I-"
"Liar! I hope you die you nasty woman!"
Usagi covered her ears and bit down hard on her lips. She couldn't hear that. She couldn't bare to hear him wish her dead. To wish her dead. DEAD! DEAD! She didn't want him of all people giving up on her. She couldn't deal with it like this.
"Please Shingo you have to understand," Usagi tried to explain. "It's all for you."
"NO!" Shingo spat. "I hate you! I hate you and I hope you die!"
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Usagi screamed her heart hurting and she tried frantically to rip it out of her chest but couldn't. Rip it out of her chest and just kill it. Destroy it.
Mamoru opened his eyes from the wailing that interrupted his small dreams and his eyes looked into the girl from last night still there, as he didn't expect. She was sating up right in his bed next to her, her head craned up in a howling scream like a wolf while her hands, her horrible horrible hands were scratching and clawing at her chest.
"My god," Mamoru gasped giving her a drawing look as he forced himself up in bed. He wasn't sure what was going on. It was as if to him something invisible was attacking her. Attacking her chest. stabbing her heart. And that awful screaming. What was she seeing? Why was she doing all this awful screaming?
Mamoru had to do something. He reached up and pulled away the strained hands from the girl's chest to see red streaks cris-crossing where she'd clawed at her chest. Holding the shaky tender hands Mamoru looked unbelievably processing through constant blinks at the girl's bare chest where she'd allow some insane force to possess her hands into trying to. rip her heart out.
Mamoru didn't know what to do but hold onto the hands as best he could even though the girl fought. He could see the bitter peach pieces of flesh gritted under the violently dominated nails and that seemed to play into his mind over and over again. That nasty peach flesh saturated with small drops of her blood now grinded into her nails. The girl was. insane.
"Okay stop," Mamoru tried to call out to her as her screaming slowly died down while his alarm rose trying to not think about the girl's hands. "It's okay. There's nothing here, just me. It's all okay."
Usagi finally over her shock not realizing anything that had happened ignored to look at him but quickly wrapped herself around him and once she touched him, touched his body she then wanted to kiss him. Kiss his body and she did. Her desperate, painful lips licked at his neck and planted kiss over his chest.
"Once more," Usagi whispered lowly as she feverishly kissed the man who looked unable at her. "Just once more," Usagi entreated. "Once more. Take me away; take it all away. Don't let him see me. Don't let him catch me. Take it away."
Mamoru peeled the girl off him asking her closely about what she meant.
"My brother," she clarified trying distraughtly to push his hands away from holding her so far away from his lovely body. "Please let me go," she tried to push away his hands her boiling anger for liberation growing.
"Your - your brother," Mamoru stammered trying to hold her down and at the same time overlook her impulsive yearnings.
"Yes," Usagi pounced onto him with divine strength throwing back his arms and pushing him hard against the bed as she climb onto him. "Once more," she continued to chant lining her lips captiously over his chest. "Once more and I promise I'll never come back."
"You want me to-" Mamoru stopped when he felt her body from deep under the covers began to rub against his mellowness. He realized soon enough with her constant rubbing and kisses that she was trying to enthuse him more for herself. But it was no longer the same. Last night it was true he felt needy and desperate but now it felt wrong. Now with the alcohol all hummed away it felt iniquitous to have her against him. "I - I can't," Mamoru told her pulling her off him.
"Yes you cannnnnnnn," Usagi's beastly eyes geared up and once again she was pushing him.
"NO!" Mamoru threw the girl off him this time roughly and climbed his naked body out of the bed turning to look at her. "I don't know who you are and I believe you better leave."
Usagi's heart jumped again and she looked at him with such a deadly passion as the reject began to seep in. The one man she felt could take away the conscious of Shingo, the one man who could take away the pain, the one man who was the drug in her life, who'd gave her the sign last night, was now putting her aside as if she was just another. woman-THING.
The demon began to creep back up into Usagi as the man slipped on his underwear trying to disregard the girl who sat quietly on his bed while he gave her certain seconds to split. But she wouldn't move and he looked back at her with a sigh pointing toward the door. He didn't add anything else but Usagi so upset and confused and perturbed turned her arm around, pulled the strangers bedside lamp from off his nightstand and threw it with all her might toward him.
The lamp nearly hitting Mamoru smashed into pieces against his closet door. Mamoru cringing from out of its path counting the reaction time and slowing the ringing of the smash from his ears.
"Go to hell you slimy fu**!" an outraged Usagi hollered slipping out of the bed. "Go to hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!" Without knowing she picked up the nearest object, which was a department bag laying on the floor, and flung it at the man which he caught and dropped it to the floor roasting with anger as he looked at his lamp smattered in pieces.
"You bitch!" he cried. "Look what you've just did!" Mamoru controlled his nerves from reaching over and beating the snot out of the livid blond but he knew he couldn't. He just couldn't hurt her.
There was silence throughout the room as the two eyed each other. Usagi's full of a fervent fury and Mamoru's full of regret and irritation. The room growing so heavy with pressure it could smother the two and leave away with a laugh.
Then the pressure came to an sharp ending.
CLICK - CLICK went the front door a ways from the room where the two stood tense in.
"Mamoruuuuuuuuuu, it's meeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Motoki," Mamoru's alert voice hissed and that's when everything blew into horror for him as his eyes dashed back and forth between the door and the blond girl who was watching the door in anticipation. Neither knew quite what to do. Usagi feeling insanely in love with him didn't want to hide, she didn't want to run, she didn't understand the situation in the first place. This wasn't a roommate coming into the house with such a sweetheart relationship key in tow; this was someone far special. And as much as Mamoru wanted to throw the girl into his closet, he didn't trust her and he didn't trust the air lingering about the room but he'd do whatever it took to not throw everything off.
Over and over again Mamoru cursed his foolishness. His stupid habits of drinking between the make up and break-ups of him and Motoki and now. he'd done the stupidest thing not thinking at all about how Motoki loved to bring him breakfast from the café down the street every Thursday morning. Mamoru didn't realize it until it was all too late. If only. if only.
Mamoru closed his hands over the sides of his head and dribbled down slowly on to the end of the bed his eyes roaming his bare hairy knees down in shock at his self-sucking in air feeling trifled and given up. Motoki would walk in the room and see all this, see the mess, see this random nightly affair, Motoki would trip on both him and the girl and then it would be over between them. The one person he really loved, he wanted to be with forever, the one he wanted to marry when the time was completely right which felt so near, Motoki. his love.
And now, it was all over. Mamoru's heart beat with each step as the sound of Motoki coming through the inexplicable hall calling Mamoru's name on a search. If only we'd stayed not talking to each other, Mamoru screamed in his head. If only he was too angry to come today, then I'd have a chance, a chance to cover it up for as long as possible and tell him the truth finally, finally when there's no way out.
"Who is it?" Usagi asked placing her white gown back on embarrassed at her bare body standing idly in the room while the clear presence of someone was on their way.
Mamoru shook his head, his dirty hands gritting his hair in anxiety and fallen in battle. No use running, no use hiding, Motoki was coming and it was all over. If one thing Mamoru wanted to cry but he just didn't seem able. All he could think about was telling Motoki the truth, he wasn't scanning for a lie, he was just going to tell the truth and pray Motoki would forgive him and take him back. Pray that everything would be fixed.
As much as Mamoru wanted to stop Motoki from coming in, wanted to run and lock the door as quickly as possible and toss the girl out the window he couldn't. He just couldn't lie to Motoki; he couldn't hide it even though that was what he felt he needed to do at first. Hide the whole thing, it wasn't possible, he loved Motoki too much to hide ANYTHING and now this, this was too big to cover up. Motoki would find out the truth right here and now and everything in Mamoru's world would be over.
Someone was to blame. Was it the prostitute that reminded him so much of someone? Or was it himself? Someone had to be blamed. Someone had to be BLAMED!
"I'm getting out of here," Usagi rushed toward the door. Mamoru rose up hastily and stopped the blond just as the door opened slowly to Motoki peeking in carrying a bag of pancakes and biscuits with a cup holder of two orange juice.
Motoki didn't see anything at first; it was all a blur. His smile and bliss in feeding Mamoru even after their fight was far more in control of his emotions. But as he looked halfway through seeing half of a mysterious figure standing amidst the room he opened the door wildly and that's when everything seemed to drone out and fade.
Motoki's mouth opened up in a gap and his muscles lost control within his arms and down floated the bag and cup holder of orange juice. The orangey liquid spewing up onto his jeans and shoes seeping it's way into the cream color carpeting of Mamoru's room. A forever stained. A remembrance of this hateful day.
Mamoru holding the girl by the shoulders as if keeping her, KEEPING her from coming outside the door. Keeping her hidden from me! Motoki's mind roared. Keeping her from me! Keeping me from finding out! Trying to keep her from me!
It happened in a haze, Usagi had no time to fight back as the blond man charged foward, wrapped his painfully stabbed hands around her throat and pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed the choking blond far far far far far far back.
The nightstand where Usagi picked up the lamp rattled as the weaken blond was rammed into it and thrown loose of the man's tight hold free for a second choking and choking in air until she felt those horrible strikes. The horrible horrible hands hitting her. Batting her, screaming at her as they hit and hit and hit and hit at her body. Cursing the devil out of her, making her mold into more self-pity, making her get the urge to die over and over again as they kept swatting at her, like a dragon let loose in abrade against her tangled hair. Those blows, those punches, those slaps, those pulls, those tugs. the blond stranger wasn't just fighting her, he was trying to KILL her and Usagi realized that, as the pain got worst to the point where her thoughts skipped a beat and she was suddenly thinking about flowers.
Flowers. on her grave? And the frequent black outs to her brain..
His repetitive cursing was like tsunami waves in Usagi's ear. They were meaningful but speechless and then suddenly. they all stopped. Even the unable to scream or cry Usagi stopped. Stopped trying to rupture from the surprise. She just stopped, she'd stopped long before the man got onto her, and she didn't scream when he landed the first blow, she just stopped. And stopped cowering there feeling the "crows" remove themselves from her. She just stopped breathing heavily her eyes planted on the blood dripping from her nose onto the carpet. The stained carpet.
"You sick bastard! I can't believe you!" Motoki yelled his fist burning like fire as his eyes stabbed into Mamoru who held him from slather the girl as in his intentions. "How dare you!?" Motoki's eyes burning with rage, confusion, and disbelief and tears. "Was I that worthless when it came to our arguments that you would turn around completely around my back and hurt me like this!? Was it that!? Was she better Mamoru because right now I really want to know before I beat the fu** out of you myself!"
Motoki began to cry stilly. His ire no longer for the strange girl in the room but now for Mamoru. For Mamoru's heart he felt didn't want him any longer and that was the greatest pain ever. Even though deep inside Motoki knew it was a mistake, he knew Mamoru's heart and knew it belonged to him and that maybe, somewhere, it was HIS fault. But the seer realization that Mamoru could. WOULD. actually.
Mamoru couldn't say much. He'd remembered all that happened last night that his mind would allow him, which wasn't too much, but feared the thought of thinking about what drove him to it all. All Mamoru could do was worry his shamed eyes at the carpet afraid to look at Motoki and Motoki's stifle teary face. All the indignity. all the compunction.
Mamoru wanted so hard to not believe what was happening. To explain to Motoki that nothing happened. But something did. Mamoru took the girl home from the club and their actions immediately led to bed play without a second thought and Motoki was there to witness the aftermath and hell a battle between emotions and tribulation.
"Tell me!" Motoki demanded his mouth choked with saliva and dripping tears that slipped in from its corners. Motoki, shattered saw Mamoru open his mouth to speak but not a thing came out. "Tell ME!"
"I. Motoki I'm so-"
"NO!" Motoki marched forward and threw Mamoru's chin up eye-level with his. Mamoru's own eyes glistening like a shard of mirror.
"I. I. don't know," Mamoru, sputtered his eyes leaking slightly. "All I can do is apologize."
Mamoru's heart felt bad. He'd let Motoki down and now there was a price to pay, a promise to be broken, a life to take. Mamoru wanted so bad to touch Motoki and end everything forgivingly. But he'd went to far and as brawny as he wanted to be he couldn't help but break down as Motoki tossed back his ring and exited the bedroom with a final sob.
Mamoru dropped to his knees cover his hands over his eyes. The magnetite of his broken heart and the now soundless ring he gave as a promise to Motoki and to their compassion both swollen with chargeable evil responsibilities. Mamoru had allowed his whole world to crash just because he was upset and decided to drink and bring home that girl. His whole lucky world where his heart belonged too much to Motoki that he couldn't hide his mistakes or lie it through and through but because he loved so much he let the truth be known. That one night. His world. Motoki..
No more, Mamoru's mind cried suiting with his sorrow eyes. No more Motoki. No more love. No more walks. No more talks. No more kisses goodnight. No more passion. My world is gone in the blink of an eye.
"Motokiiiiiii," Mamoru drawl closed together, his overwhelmed red wet face rubbing against the carpet while his arms wrapped around his staggered body as if trying to hold it together. Trying to hope.
Fully dressed Usagi lifted herself up in her gown from last night but wearing it didn't make her feel pretty anymore. It made her feel dirty once again. Dizzy, confused, and unfathomable looking from her abrupt assault Usagi rubbed where it ached and started to head out ignoring everything but stopped at the door to give the crying man one last look. She couldn't even account to the fact that she was nearly murdered, her scratched up bruised face in the mirror would bring the consciousness all back soon enough, but to look at that grown man, that stranger with the dark hair crying his eyes out for another man seem to quake Usagi with an odd skepticism but a full round of envy.
We're just strangers, Usagi told herself. I don't know them they don't know me. This is none of my business. Still. the way he made me feel. Like I was alive. Makes me want to come back for more and more and more. But. the value, this twinge.
Her thoughtful eyes roamed to the doorknob she soon gripped.
I'd just ruined someone's life, she reminded herself. And what keeps taking over me that keep making me ruin people's lives!? Why did I hallucinate seeing Shingo screaming at me? Why did I not listen to Michiru when she told me to keep away from that man? Sure it could have been any other way but this. this is too. different, too difficult. and then so rhythmic. I'm destroying people.
She wanted to tell the sobbing man that she was sorry, but that was a feeling in her that felt stupid to say it. What the hell was the deal? They didn't know each other and there was nothing else to be done. They'd never see each other again. The way he made her feel will never arrive again as an opportunity. It was over. There was nothing between them at all and so there was no reason to try to apologize like this was nothing. All Usagi could do was move on and hope the two of them could, even though she doubted it.
The troubled blond slipped out of the room and head toward the bus stop to ride down to the bay, the cramped boathouse, her cage. The cage that she had to release herself from. And so out into the early morning she went about.
When Usagi got to the boathouse she saw that Haruka was nowhere to be seen which was a good thing to her. It was time for her to end all this for real this time, end the whole thing and it didn't evolve her taking her own life. YET, she was going to break the lock off her cage and end it. End the ending of her life and others. With the lock gone then she'd be strong enough to fly into the pits of hell without looking back.
The silence, the stillness in the teetering boathouse. Usagi rocked on her thin legs toward the room at the end of the boathouse where Shingo laid sleep along gripping the wood walls along the way.
"Good," Usagi spoke softly to herself. "He's sleep, makes this a lot easier for me."
The blond dropped to her knees in front of the bunk Shingo slept in and reached into one of the bunk drawers pulling it opened and there rested their book bags with their clothes and other final passions inside. Starting to cry Usagi shuffled through the papers on top that belonged to Haruka and Motoki and took hold of her book bag and pulled the zipper open roughly sticking her shaking hands inside she searched around until her fingers secured around the cold weapon and out she pulled the revolver. The same one that murdered her father, the same one that saved her from Makoto those several days ago. The revolver. her salvation.
Her eyes gleaming in it's shiny complex and her own diamond ridden teary eyes Usagi looked the heavy weapon all over in her trembling hands. Could she do this? Could she REALLY do this? Was it time?
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, sniffled away the last bit of weakness she had in her and took the revolver in both her hands lifting the weighted weapon straight ahead of her arms out.
"I have no choice," she ascertained herself her hands rattling while holding the revolver. "Not a single choice. I don't have a choice."
All the insane chanting and that look drawing into her eyes again as she stood up straight and positioned the barrel of the gun inches away from Shingo's left temple.
"No choice," she continued to recite her hands shaking violently while gripping the revolver ever so deadly against her brother careful not to let the coldness touch him completely and awaken him.
Usagi thought she'd had it all figured out. Destroy Shingo. Destroy him and then she'll have no reason to live then she could be emancipated to end her own life and finally be happy.
"No choice," her blazing demon-set eyes conflagrated open glowing like a dark abyss. Those wild eyes again. The eyes of the beast. The insane beast. There they were again and this time trying to escape. Trying to end it all. Trying to be free.
The demon in Usagi's head told her to do it. DO IT! It told her. PULL THE TRIGGER. YOU'LL BE FREE. DO IT! DO IT! DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! MAKE HIM DIE! MAKE HIM PAY! MAKE HIM PAY! YOUR FATHER HAS TO PAY! MAKE HIM PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It crawled over her mind and heart and began to guzzle what told her to never give up. It hooted at her conscious. It snickered as the combat between the two began to play out once again and Usagi was losing. HE had her now.
Destroy the boy! It told her. Destroy him and you'll be set free from this nightmare!
"Kill him and then myself, kill him and then myself," Usagi chanted darkly. Her sweaty finger rose heavily against the trigger of the revolver, even though she shivered possessed by that horrible demon inside of her hands still quaking as if. as if there was still Usagi left inside of her. As if her hope, her angel was convincing her more profoundly to stop it. To drop the revolver and keep her hopes up. The angel telling her that this wouldn't solve anything. that she had to be stronger.
Usagi gasped tightly like a slap in the face and stumbled backwards dropping the revolver where it hit the wood floor with a loud CLANK. Her chest heaving in air and shooting it back out. Beads of sweat dripped around her face as she looked, looked delicately at Shingo's sleeping figure knowing all too well that at the last minute she was saved. She was saved! Something took her back to the beginning, back to everything and saved her. Kept her from dying and ending it all.
Her hands vibrating viciously at her sides she raised them up racking them through her hair and feeling lost and frail she dropped to the floor and began sobbing softly at first then roughly. The pure apprehension. The lost of her thoughtlessness and now how she couldn't believe how much she was losing her mind was controlling her brain. That shabby have-beaten brain of her hers.
"I'm sorry," she murmured through her flooding tears over and over and over again. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." The world as viewed now seem to darken around her as she laid there singing away bit by bit her agony until the world just snapped the toggle into murkiness.
The salty sea-breeze air rushed up into Usagi's face chillingly as she wrapped her hands around herself fighting the cold standing once again over the jetty over looking the ocean below. Her thoughts simply on screaming and screaming all over again. Her voice now quiet and underdone amidst her swallowed throat. All that screaming to release some of what was plaguing her. Finally she was about to scream it out, scream it out over the jetty where no one could hear over the crashing waves below.
For an hour she'd stood there screaming on and off and finally her thoughts were no longer on revenge of her father. She'd screaming and pondered on and off about what she should do now. What was the next process in her life and what was the most important thing she had to change in it? Nothing made senses whatsoever but there had to be some sort of meaning behind everything. A reason. A reason why she was losing her mind and going through these awful things.
Several times she thought about what happened this morning and wondered about the two men. How were they feeling? What were they doing? Should she go back and try to patch things up basically risking her life? Then Usagi realized that she'd messed up their life, they weren't of any association to her and therefore no need to return. Still. those haunting feelings of pleasure she had last night with the dark guy. She remembered how he seemed to have swept her away from under the covers and made her feel good, wholesome and ready for the world. Made her forget about everything, the past, the present, and a future that may or may not remain in darkness. He'd made her feel good like no other and as much as she wanted him desperately to give her that feeling again she knew better than to go back.
So now what? Usagi though brushing her flowing hair behind her ears. What's the next step? I'm already getting enough money and today should be my last night. Then this will all be over. Finally. I'd get a flight with my own earnings. Unless I could still manage to get that free flight with Mina. But as of now. it seemed too impossible.
Usagi sighed. If only I could just be a little girl again.
Her thoughts now floating in air and the past set behind her she turned slowly to head back down hill to the boat house. There she would talk to Shingo for a bit and tell him more and more how she loved him and wouldn't let anything happen to him. And somewhere between. apologize for nearly killing him from her lunacy sudden stress. She feared looking at Shingo though. What probably helped cause that earlier episode was the hallucination that she'd seen of him previously yelling at her about how she was worthless. Still she knew that was exactly what it simply was, a hallucination. One she'd have to face up with in reality and see whether it was more or not
Usagi's shoes clanked down the pebble path downhill as she forced herself to remain balanced with each step. Several times she took a hold of the trees to help her get through. Being outside made her feel good for once. She was free, set apart from the shaded darkness that the boathouse, the hospital, the club, and her old home had to offer. Being outside made her feel developed somewhere. The sounds of the birds, the whistling wind, the snappy branches, it felt good. The nature, not the city.
As Usagi moved on through making her path she spotted the dock leading to the boathouse and on the dock stood Haruka over looking the ocean with her arms crossed.
"Great," Usagi murmured far from Haruka's listening distance. "Where'd she come from?"
The blond finally hit the sandy beach and from there moved on onto the deck just as Haruka turned toward her with an expression that caught Usagi off guard stopping her in her tracks.
"Oh, Haruka, hi."
Haruka look dangerously at Usagi. A rump of riddance and anger. Haruka could never keep a smile, she may have let a tear slip before but a smile seemed to be too difficult for her making it so hard for Usagi to read what she had on her mind. So so difficult. But this look. this dark look. How Haruka looked at Usagi now was too dark, to fierce, too. regrettable.
Before Usagi could ask what was the matter Haruka cut in sharply.
"Get out," Haruka stoned.
Usagi blinked in silence, riving up, Haruka again this time more boisterously with a swish of her hand.
"I said get the hell out! Get out of here! Go away! Go far away!"
"But-"
Haruka stalked toward Usagi and before the blond could report time Haruka blew a palm like nails across Usagi's left cheek. With a yelp Usagi held her cheek and went tumbling down to the deck rubbing the painful slap that redden her skin like fire.
"Ha. Haruka," Usagi said meekly in pain while her eyes watched the wood graining of the deck afraid to look up at Haruka. "Why?"
Haruka stood over her. "Because I'm sick of your face. You're taking up too much of my room and all the damn trouble you cause. I'm tired of your face! I'm being suffocated with you around! Now go away!"
Don't cry Usagi! Don't cry! There's no need for crying, you've done enough crying! Enough crying! Enough! Enough! Enough! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH CRYING! YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH CRYING! MAKE THEM CRY! MAKE ALL THOSE STICK BASTARDS CRY FOR HURTING YOU! MAKE THEM CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Usagi gasped pushing down those dark feelings in alarm. They were coming up and she felt them. she'd felt them rising so crafty and sweetly wrapping around her brain. The urge to kill Haruka for hurting her, for making her cry. The shadows, it wanted her so bad to react insanely. But she managed to push them back down in their abyss and rise back up as Usagi.
Everything Haruka clarified to Usagi swept into her brain like water. She could understand and actual relate to Haruka's strife, although the slap was inappropriate compared to the fact that Usagi was ready to drown Haruka. There were no hard feelings at all really. Haruka just had to let Usagi know that she couldn't handle her being there after all. Usagi understood completely and wasn't about to object but she also wasn't about to allow Haruka to throw out Shingo. Shingo has to stay.
Usagi climbed to her feet ready to defend herself if she had to and she looked so coldly at Haruka, cold but forgivingly and nodded. "I understand, but I won't allow you to let Shingo leave. He has to stay, until I can come back for him."
"The kid can stay," Haruka spoke as if already in plan. "I'll watch over him but you. you have to leave."
It did hurt Usagi. Once again she was being rejected and abused. So why was she not getting completely used to it yet? Why was her practice of adapting becoming on so feebly?
It takes time, she realized.
"At least let me get my things and say good-bye to Shingo."
Haruka nodded and pointed toward the boathouse. With her head held low fighting back the tears of another dismissal output on life Usagi went inside the boathouse and hurriedly found Shingo awaking in the bunk.
"Usagi?" he questioned in the dim room rubbing his sleepy eyes as she heft up her book bag placing the revolver back inside wondering if Haruka had seen it and realized how dangerous she was.
"Yeah what is it?" Usagi forced a smile bending down to Shingo. She rubbed his hair and the sweat off his forehead.
Shingo's eyes went onto Usagi then onto her book bag and before he could ask Usagi explained as best she could.
"I'm going away for awhile," she told him. "Not long though. Not long at all. Just for a little while and you are going to have to stay here while I-"
"NO!" Shingo rushed his legs out of the bed, Usagi held him to stop before he could stand. "I'm not letting you leave me here! I'm not letting you leave! We're suppose to stick together and... and." his eyes searched in panic fright for the words. "We're suppose to work together to make everything all better."
Usagi shook her head a bit losing her smile then gaining it back but more determinedly. "I know Shingo and we're still going through this together. We're going to make it. It's just that right now I have some decisions to make for myself that will benefit the both of us. You on the other hand. right now I just need you to be somewhere safe where you could be taken care of. Like here."
"With Haruka!?" Shingo sneered. "She's so mean."
"No she's not," Usagi smoothed back his hair. "She can take care of you while I'm gone. Besides you play with the other girls that come here don't you? They're nice and they take care of you too-"
Shingo thought about this looking at his lap and said softly. "I'm not a baby you know?"
Usagi looked shocked at him. Her smile dropped realizing that he noticed it too. Noticed that he wasn't a child anymore like she had in the beginning. Finally he's really. REALLY realizing it.
"WHERE WILL YOU BE GOING!?" Shingo suddenly yelled pushing Usagi away and stood up sharply.
"Sh - Shingo I-"
"WHERE!? You're just trying to leave me behind and find somebody else to go too!" he began to sniffle.
"No, no, no that's not true you know better," Usagi tried to stop his indignation.
"Shut up! Just leave me alone! Leave me all alone!" Shingo slipped into his shoes and stormed out the room.
With a sigh and a slight prayer to God Usagi eyed the ceiling in frustration and decided not to follow after him. He'll get over it soon enough and right now she had to find some place before dark.
"I can't believe I'm still here. and alive." Usagi's calm voice spoke into the darkness of her parents' old room. She opened her tired eyes and looked at the alarm clock feeling another spell bounding rush of the creeps shiver through her. It was almost time for her to head out to the club after taking her nap in the only place she saw fit. her old home. A crime scene forever more. The girl was careful though; she'd sunk back into the house no problem keeping watch out on a substantial level. Careful not to turn on any lights, not to move around too much, whatever it took not to have anyone watching her sneak in and about to cause any trouble.
One thing for sure was that she couldn't believe she was in the house. It was like hell to her, the walls were now colossal prison blocks, and the house smelled like dust, everything remained in place except for upstairs in her old bedroom. That. she didn't want to even think about.
The whole time she'd spent in the house she felt like she was being watched, watched by the family photos, and watched by the ghost of her father. She felt like she didn't have a choice but to come back. To come back and rest in a place that she KNEW if she was going to be caught it was going to end all this. Everything would be over, the running, the manic panicking; it would all be over. And somewhere deep in the back of the blond's mind the risk sounded too sweet.
She couldn't stay for long. She'd only decided to take a quick nap and eat up what was left in the refrigerator hoping none of the policemen went so far as to either eat themselves or check everything even in the kitchen. And she did eat, not much and not to her ratification, but enough to keep her stomach full for awhile while she took her a nap waking up ready to hit the streets where she'll spend the rest of her nights and days with Michiru, or Hotaru, hopefully. Both girls had their own place really and if they'd just let Usagi stay for a couple of days it would make a huge difference on her recovery.
Usagi shook her head. It didn't matter. Today was suppose to be her last day and if she had enough money, which she somehow doubted, then she could prepare to send her and Shingo off to start a new life even if she had to do it alone.
"Which ever way it goes I'm going to make it," she reassured herself out loud after stepping out of her parents' bed heading downstairs book bag in haul and the night casting darkness to her convenient.
On her way to the bus stop leading downtown Usagi couldn't help but to stop to eye the poster plastered against the arcade wall. "'Mina Spears,'" she read. "'Azuba Juuban Civic Center Park Friday from 6pm - 8pm.'" Usagi clutched her book bag tighter around herself narrowing her eyes in concern at the poster and that impossible idea she had pondered up back when all this had started the idea which roamed back into her head.
Maybe I could still do this, tomorrow's the last day and if I don't make enough money tonight I won't be able to leave that club. I know it sounds so stupid, but why can't I help but to believe so much in this idea?
Motoki stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror of his apartment while off in the distance his classical CD spun out the familiar Moonlight Sonata. The blond youth was drowned out in tears and full of terror for his future. Sating serenely on the toilet covering were two liquor purple glass bottles both half-empty from his heavy consuming and in his hands remained the third just opened bottle.
Motoki wavered in his small stand before the mirror and tilted his head back for another swig. The bathroom was hot. With his shirt off he felt the steam from the just-ran water billowing against his skin like fire and it felt so good. He'd turn the water on only on hot, even though his feelings were shallow, empty, and cold. The heat might be able to warm off the cold feelings from earlier that day. Warm his heart back up.
All day long, he laid around skipping work and feeling miserable that his lover and soon to be perpetually husband had turned around on his heart and cheated on him. All the trust Motoki built so simply on Mamoru was incomprehensible and now this. This one incident making him feel louse and insignificant.
Maybe if Motoki would talk to Mamoru instead of taking the phone off the hook and not answering the door due to Mamoru's frequent begging renouncements. Maybe if Motoki would take all the apology gifts sating at his doorstep then he'd be all right and not be thinking that his world was now over.
It's all over, he thought the entire day. The future is screwed. The one man ever in my life I trusted is now. no more. And even if it was a mistake I can't forgive and I can't believe it.
Motoki gasped drunkenly removing the bitter liquid bottle from his lips dropping it to the bathroom floor with a THUNK. He gasped and wiped what remained from his lips and pressed his hands into the porcelain of the sink and bent forward to look at his self again in the mirror. Ravaged and savaged. A bawl of obscurity now. No more hope.
Motoki giggled at his reflection in a giggle not of his own and not from his mind and given point. "You silly little bastard," he laughed teetering dangerously at his loose knees. "You're so USELESS! How could you let him do that to you!? HUH!?" his laughter clicking into anger as he gripped the sides of the mirror prepared to rip it from the wall but stopped as once again he was laughing awkwardly once again shaking his head pitifully. "You're so stupid. But it's your fault."
My fault. I let Mamoru down.
With a disregarding small slap of the mirror Motoki moved stumblingly gripping the walls out into the hallway and into his bedroom mumbling to himself as he immediately went to his desk, grabbed a pen and paper and a framed picture of Mamoru alone and like a zombie went back into the bathroom where he threw the bottles off the toilet and with Mamoru's picture his boarding support he began to write the letter.
"'Mamoru.,'" he started out writing as best his shaky right hand could.
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSE TO BE TOGETHER I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO BE RIGHT ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND I CAN'T THINK OF HURTING YOU BACK LIKE YOU DID ME. I'D NEVER WISH ANYTHING HARMFUL ON YOU AND ALL I CAN DO IS WISH YOU LUCK.
Motoki paused and wiped away at his wet face then continued.
HELL ALL I CAN SAY IS WELL I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU AND I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU AND I CAN'T BE WITH YOU WHEN I TOLD YOU BEFORE IT ONLY TAKES ONE MISTAKE TO BREAK MY HEART COMPLETELY. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S EVER UNDERSTOOD THAT AND THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING IT ALL UP. I CAN'T BE WITH YOU AND THERES NO ONE ELSE OUT THERE FOR ME AND WE CAN'T GET BACK TOGETHER, NOT AFTER ALL THIS. SO I GIVE UP. SO I LOVE YOU AND.
Motoki couldn't think of anything else to say. He dropped the letter to the floor and bent over watching the world turn into a wet mural blur and for a while just sat, to either admire it regret it or fear it. There was something there but most of all was the entity telling him falsely that his life was over and that it was time to go.
"Time to go," Motoki muttered pressing Mamoru's picture against his lips holding them for a whole two minutes. He then dropped the picture next to the letter and proceeded to do what he felt he had to do.
Back watching his reflection he kept telling himself how there was no way, no choice, no one else out there that could love and take care of him like Mamoru. His world was over.
Motoki picked up the small razor blade and moved over to the bathtub with one foot at a time he stepped into the steaming tub jerking his toes back every other moment in retreat but eventually settling his body deep inside the water which became so hot it was cold, cold and numb. His eyes pinched close tight he struggled to get his body to except the heat no matter how boiling against his skin it was.
And it did. it began to swallow him up and his closed tight eyes softened and there he sat relaxing allowing the heat to take him over. To numb away the splicing pain he felt when he rubbed the blade against his wrist. He didn't feel anything, a small pain and that was it. His bleeding wrist settled deep into the tub bubbling streams of blood to the top spreading around it like disturbing icing on a cake. The thick red blood, blanketing the top of the tub over Motoki who kept his eyes closed and kept his mind on what and where was he going to be and become. Peace. Finally peace.
Motoki choked up for a second feeling himself actually feel the shivering shriek of blood escaping their wounds. An easy breath of air escaped his lips and he smiled and matured in further.
No more pain. No more suffering. If he couldn't be with Mamoru, couldn't trust Mamoru, then he couldn't live. His policy, his law. Drain away the past and move on to the future.
"My future," Motoki mumbled to himself. "My. my future."
Suddenly Motoki's eyes snapped open at the sound of his doorbell going off and a loud banging and.
"Mamoru?"
BHAM! BHAM! "Motoki open up! I'm sorry okay! I really need to talk to you!"
Motoki gasped eyeing the closed bathroom door with a rushing sensation. The future. Our future. Driving by his passion for Mamoru the blond pulled out of the bathtub grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his wrists dripping with blood by the tons. Everywhere. In shock Motoki looked and looked at all the blood, the awful blood everywhere dripping everywhere.
"Oh my god," Motoki realized. "Oh my god!" He grabbed another towel and wrapped it furiously around his wrist as best he could. He had to stop it. Had to stop all the damn bleeding. The mistake, the horrible bleeding, he had to stop it. "Mamoru I'm coming!" he raced out the door blasting in the coldness of the hallway as he made a trail.
Motoki was suddenly rushed with a feverous breath of air and swayed backwards, the door leading to Mamoru straight ahead of him now but he felt as if he couldn't make it. He was drowning. Dizzy. Blood seeping through the cotton towels like a sponge. But he made every effort to get to Mamoru. To bring about the correction of his mistake. Even though it hurt and it wouldn't stop he had to get to Mamoru. He had to correct both their blunders. His future wasn't to be dead; it was to be with Mamoru and it was Mamoru's sudden voice that waked him back to the truth. A truth coming too late.
Motoki dropped his right shoulder against the wall knocking a glass picture of his parents over with a wreck. For a second he stayed there pressed against the wall, wheezing as he felt it garrote him. The air. it was leaving. And the dizziness. The tenderness devouring his mind, his body.
"Huuuuuuuuuuu!" Motoki gasped holding his chest as the world became a smear and the corners of his eyes began to darken. He stared anxiously at the door trying desperately to call to Mamoru but it wouldn't come out. It was stuck.
He began to move forward again, one step, and dropped slamming like pipes into the floor before the genko. One of his arms reached from within the towel reaching out for the door, the doorknob trailing a river of shiny precise blood. Anything, anything close to Mamoru. He could hear Mamoru's hammering, his calling of his name, he could hear it all barely. It was so vague. So far away that it hurt.
"Ma - Ma." Motoki mouthed his chest heaving without rhythm. He couldn't breath; he couldn't breath! And why!? Why was this darkness submerging in closer around his eyes and yet. everything was getting so bright. His throat tightened, his eyes pushed out as he felt it slow down, his heart, everything began to slow down and the darkness enthusiastic him in one swell gulp.
With one final breath and his eyes stuck open never to contrast life, Motoki perished there before the door struggling to call for Mamoru. His world droned out. His future gone. He tried to replace everything as he realized that mistakes were made. This mistake went to far and now. it was over.
Motoki, blown of oxygen, his body just laid there eyes open like a fish waddling in blood. He bled to death.
Makoto. after surgery laid there quietly in her deep sleep alone. All alone. the critical surgery was somewhat of a success now it was up to Makoto herself. And even in her deep sleep she wanted to stay there, she didn't want to go back into the world. The painful world. It was as if she was accessible to something better on the other side. With one final faithful forgiveness she gave it to Usagi. She apologized to her sister, he friends and her family. And slowly she left everything behind, took a deep breath and let the air out.
The startled nurse in the room during check up looked up alarmed as Makoto's lifeline went flat. She charged out the room yelling for a doctor but there was no wish or reason. It was Makoto's choice to give up and move on.
Mamoru walked into his home drenched with tears. Once again for the tenth time that day Motoki wouldn't answer the door.
Mamoru wiped at his eyes running his cold hands through his hair in aspiration and started toward his bedroom. The grown man flopped on his bed face down and began sniveling away the regret.
When he finally looked up the first place he turned was toward the picture of Motoki on his nightstand. Alarmed he saw it nowhere to be found until he looked to the floor where the picture had fallen somehow.
The rain roaring down as Usagi flew toward the boathouse. That feeling. She'd almost made it to the club before the rain raced down like hell on fire, huge fat drops slapping against her and she fell in the street in a frosty gasp when she was struck with the feeling.
Makoto was dead.
Welllllllllll? How was it? It took me awhile to finish this chapter too but I finally got it done *all cheerz*. Well anyway, I wish I could finish "Up in the Hills of Kentucky" *sob sob*. I'm going to try and finish that one as soon as possible if I can finish this story first. Okay anyway, e- mail me what you thought. Motoki killed his self and saw that it was just too late to take it back. Even though I knew it I thought it was so sad. And with Makoto, I mean, everybody suddenly forgot about her after the second chapter and suddenly she's not on anyone's mind and now. she's dead. In a better place. So how was it?
~~~~~~~~~~PAPA-KENJI. PLEASE NO MORE~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER 6
Early morning. Usagi felt his baking heat next to hers. A nice warm but a disappointing one considering he didn't touch her. He didn't hold her. The sun came swooping rays from out of the sky into the blond's closed baby- blues eyes and with each peek the rays would pull her eyelids up further. Her tired eyes. They opened and she immediately watched the ceiling seeing and hearing the buzz of the ceiling fan vibrate in twirls with enough wind to keep her remained drenched in a sweaty mess. Her longs legs barred under the sheets and the heavy blanket seem to wonder around for some air, somewhere to breath until she poked her right leg down from under onto the floor. The cool air.
Usagi sighed and turned her attention toward the man lying across her on his stomach arms draped out and still sleeping. His handsome face, his dark hair, his closed dark blue eyes, he slept. almost like a baby.
Like a baby, Usagi thought smiling at the man. The. stranger. He treated me so good. Better than anyone. So, so, good. But why was he so afraid to kiss me, and touch me?
Usagi let it go. She didn't want to wonder about that she just wanted more of the man. She wanted him to wake up and take her away again. To blow her mind like he'd done last night. Turn her completely out until she couldn't take it anymore and had to cringe into a ball of immense delight.
And "forever" was the word. Forever she wanted to remain there in that bed with him, forever. Leaning forward to kiss the man's neck she understood that she couldn't stay. She'd done this for pure pleasure, not fun. Done this to take away his stress, his pain, and at the same time she got some of the same respite as he did. But now it had to end. The way he came stepping into the club like a prince toward her. The way he danced with her despite the music blaring and the lights churning in their heat. The way he entrapped her, seduced her lips and hands to touch him. The way he felt right, felt like he had something going on with him that could prove beneficial to her completeness in life.
"He was perfect," she whispered to herself admiring his every breath of air. "Absolutely perfect and if I wasn't desperately in need of money I'd stay with him forever but no one like him could have me. No one deserves such a burden."
The blond turned from him and eyed the blue blanket covering her lap. She ran her hand through her head pulling back her scalped in anticipation and frustration. To leave him now or to wait and talk to him while they both laid with one another. To have a nice wonderful early morning honey conversation. To have a husband, and have a child come running into the room a minute later demanding they wake up for breakfast smiling like the sunrise. Usagi could practically see the door across the room open up but when it revealed the child there was Shingo instead.
"Usagi!" he hollered angrily. "How could you do this!? HOW!? HOW!? You're suppose to be my sister! You're suppose to be better than this! WHY!?"
Usagi shook her head sucked like quicksand into the illusion troubled at Shingo's "presence." "No, no, Shingo please don't be mad. I can explain it all," she implored toward Shingo's ghost. "I'm doing this all for you. For you Shingo I-"
"Liar! I hope you die you nasty woman!"
Usagi covered her ears and bit down hard on her lips. She couldn't hear that. She couldn't bare to hear him wish her dead. To wish her dead. DEAD! DEAD! She didn't want him of all people giving up on her. She couldn't deal with it like this.
"Please Shingo you have to understand," Usagi tried to explain. "It's all for you."
"NO!" Shingo spat. "I hate you! I hate you and I hope you die!"
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Usagi screamed her heart hurting and she tried frantically to rip it out of her chest but couldn't. Rip it out of her chest and just kill it. Destroy it.
Mamoru opened his eyes from the wailing that interrupted his small dreams and his eyes looked into the girl from last night still there, as he didn't expect. She was sating up right in his bed next to her, her head craned up in a howling scream like a wolf while her hands, her horrible horrible hands were scratching and clawing at her chest.
"My god," Mamoru gasped giving her a drawing look as he forced himself up in bed. He wasn't sure what was going on. It was as if to him something invisible was attacking her. Attacking her chest. stabbing her heart. And that awful screaming. What was she seeing? Why was she doing all this awful screaming?
Mamoru had to do something. He reached up and pulled away the strained hands from the girl's chest to see red streaks cris-crossing where she'd clawed at her chest. Holding the shaky tender hands Mamoru looked unbelievably processing through constant blinks at the girl's bare chest where she'd allow some insane force to possess her hands into trying to. rip her heart out.
Mamoru didn't know what to do but hold onto the hands as best he could even though the girl fought. He could see the bitter peach pieces of flesh gritted under the violently dominated nails and that seemed to play into his mind over and over again. That nasty peach flesh saturated with small drops of her blood now grinded into her nails. The girl was. insane.
"Okay stop," Mamoru tried to call out to her as her screaming slowly died down while his alarm rose trying to not think about the girl's hands. "It's okay. There's nothing here, just me. It's all okay."
Usagi finally over her shock not realizing anything that had happened ignored to look at him but quickly wrapped herself around him and once she touched him, touched his body she then wanted to kiss him. Kiss his body and she did. Her desperate, painful lips licked at his neck and planted kiss over his chest.
"Once more," Usagi whispered lowly as she feverishly kissed the man who looked unable at her. "Just once more," Usagi entreated. "Once more. Take me away; take it all away. Don't let him see me. Don't let him catch me. Take it away."
Mamoru peeled the girl off him asking her closely about what she meant.
"My brother," she clarified trying distraughtly to push his hands away from holding her so far away from his lovely body. "Please let me go," she tried to push away his hands her boiling anger for liberation growing.
"Your - your brother," Mamoru stammered trying to hold her down and at the same time overlook her impulsive yearnings.
"Yes," Usagi pounced onto him with divine strength throwing back his arms and pushing him hard against the bed as she climb onto him. "Once more," she continued to chant lining her lips captiously over his chest. "Once more and I promise I'll never come back."
"You want me to-" Mamoru stopped when he felt her body from deep under the covers began to rub against his mellowness. He realized soon enough with her constant rubbing and kisses that she was trying to enthuse him more for herself. But it was no longer the same. Last night it was true he felt needy and desperate but now it felt wrong. Now with the alcohol all hummed away it felt iniquitous to have her against him. "I - I can't," Mamoru told her pulling her off him.
"Yes you cannnnnnnn," Usagi's beastly eyes geared up and once again she was pushing him.
"NO!" Mamoru threw the girl off him this time roughly and climbed his naked body out of the bed turning to look at her. "I don't know who you are and I believe you better leave."
Usagi's heart jumped again and she looked at him with such a deadly passion as the reject began to seep in. The one man she felt could take away the conscious of Shingo, the one man who could take away the pain, the one man who was the drug in her life, who'd gave her the sign last night, was now putting her aside as if she was just another. woman-THING.
The demon began to creep back up into Usagi as the man slipped on his underwear trying to disregard the girl who sat quietly on his bed while he gave her certain seconds to split. But she wouldn't move and he looked back at her with a sigh pointing toward the door. He didn't add anything else but Usagi so upset and confused and perturbed turned her arm around, pulled the strangers bedside lamp from off his nightstand and threw it with all her might toward him.
The lamp nearly hitting Mamoru smashed into pieces against his closet door. Mamoru cringing from out of its path counting the reaction time and slowing the ringing of the smash from his ears.
"Go to hell you slimy fu**!" an outraged Usagi hollered slipping out of the bed. "Go to hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!" Without knowing she picked up the nearest object, which was a department bag laying on the floor, and flung it at the man which he caught and dropped it to the floor roasting with anger as he looked at his lamp smattered in pieces.
"You bitch!" he cried. "Look what you've just did!" Mamoru controlled his nerves from reaching over and beating the snot out of the livid blond but he knew he couldn't. He just couldn't hurt her.
There was silence throughout the room as the two eyed each other. Usagi's full of a fervent fury and Mamoru's full of regret and irritation. The room growing so heavy with pressure it could smother the two and leave away with a laugh.
Then the pressure came to an sharp ending.
CLICK - CLICK went the front door a ways from the room where the two stood tense in.
"Mamoruuuuuuuuuu, it's meeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Motoki," Mamoru's alert voice hissed and that's when everything blew into horror for him as his eyes dashed back and forth between the door and the blond girl who was watching the door in anticipation. Neither knew quite what to do. Usagi feeling insanely in love with him didn't want to hide, she didn't want to run, she didn't understand the situation in the first place. This wasn't a roommate coming into the house with such a sweetheart relationship key in tow; this was someone far special. And as much as Mamoru wanted to throw the girl into his closet, he didn't trust her and he didn't trust the air lingering about the room but he'd do whatever it took to not throw everything off.
Over and over again Mamoru cursed his foolishness. His stupid habits of drinking between the make up and break-ups of him and Motoki and now. he'd done the stupidest thing not thinking at all about how Motoki loved to bring him breakfast from the café down the street every Thursday morning. Mamoru didn't realize it until it was all too late. If only. if only.
Mamoru closed his hands over the sides of his head and dribbled down slowly on to the end of the bed his eyes roaming his bare hairy knees down in shock at his self-sucking in air feeling trifled and given up. Motoki would walk in the room and see all this, see the mess, see this random nightly affair, Motoki would trip on both him and the girl and then it would be over between them. The one person he really loved, he wanted to be with forever, the one he wanted to marry when the time was completely right which felt so near, Motoki. his love.
And now, it was all over. Mamoru's heart beat with each step as the sound of Motoki coming through the inexplicable hall calling Mamoru's name on a search. If only we'd stayed not talking to each other, Mamoru screamed in his head. If only he was too angry to come today, then I'd have a chance, a chance to cover it up for as long as possible and tell him the truth finally, finally when there's no way out.
"Who is it?" Usagi asked placing her white gown back on embarrassed at her bare body standing idly in the room while the clear presence of someone was on their way.
Mamoru shook his head, his dirty hands gritting his hair in anxiety and fallen in battle. No use running, no use hiding, Motoki was coming and it was all over. If one thing Mamoru wanted to cry but he just didn't seem able. All he could think about was telling Motoki the truth, he wasn't scanning for a lie, he was just going to tell the truth and pray Motoki would forgive him and take him back. Pray that everything would be fixed.
As much as Mamoru wanted to stop Motoki from coming in, wanted to run and lock the door as quickly as possible and toss the girl out the window he couldn't. He just couldn't lie to Motoki; he couldn't hide it even though that was what he felt he needed to do at first. Hide the whole thing, it wasn't possible, he loved Motoki too much to hide ANYTHING and now this, this was too big to cover up. Motoki would find out the truth right here and now and everything in Mamoru's world would be over.
Someone was to blame. Was it the prostitute that reminded him so much of someone? Or was it himself? Someone had to be blamed. Someone had to be BLAMED!
"I'm getting out of here," Usagi rushed toward the door. Mamoru rose up hastily and stopped the blond just as the door opened slowly to Motoki peeking in carrying a bag of pancakes and biscuits with a cup holder of two orange juice.
Motoki didn't see anything at first; it was all a blur. His smile and bliss in feeding Mamoru even after their fight was far more in control of his emotions. But as he looked halfway through seeing half of a mysterious figure standing amidst the room he opened the door wildly and that's when everything seemed to drone out and fade.
Motoki's mouth opened up in a gap and his muscles lost control within his arms and down floated the bag and cup holder of orange juice. The orangey liquid spewing up onto his jeans and shoes seeping it's way into the cream color carpeting of Mamoru's room. A forever stained. A remembrance of this hateful day.
Mamoru holding the girl by the shoulders as if keeping her, KEEPING her from coming outside the door. Keeping her hidden from me! Motoki's mind roared. Keeping her from me! Keeping me from finding out! Trying to keep her from me!
It happened in a haze, Usagi had no time to fight back as the blond man charged foward, wrapped his painfully stabbed hands around her throat and pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed the choking blond far far far far far far back.
The nightstand where Usagi picked up the lamp rattled as the weaken blond was rammed into it and thrown loose of the man's tight hold free for a second choking and choking in air until she felt those horrible strikes. The horrible horrible hands hitting her. Batting her, screaming at her as they hit and hit and hit and hit at her body. Cursing the devil out of her, making her mold into more self-pity, making her get the urge to die over and over again as they kept swatting at her, like a dragon let loose in abrade against her tangled hair. Those blows, those punches, those slaps, those pulls, those tugs. the blond stranger wasn't just fighting her, he was trying to KILL her and Usagi realized that, as the pain got worst to the point where her thoughts skipped a beat and she was suddenly thinking about flowers.
Flowers. on her grave? And the frequent black outs to her brain..
His repetitive cursing was like tsunami waves in Usagi's ear. They were meaningful but speechless and then suddenly. they all stopped. Even the unable to scream or cry Usagi stopped. Stopped trying to rupture from the surprise. She just stopped, she'd stopped long before the man got onto her, and she didn't scream when he landed the first blow, she just stopped. And stopped cowering there feeling the "crows" remove themselves from her. She just stopped breathing heavily her eyes planted on the blood dripping from her nose onto the carpet. The stained carpet.
"You sick bastard! I can't believe you!" Motoki yelled his fist burning like fire as his eyes stabbed into Mamoru who held him from slather the girl as in his intentions. "How dare you!?" Motoki's eyes burning with rage, confusion, and disbelief and tears. "Was I that worthless when it came to our arguments that you would turn around completely around my back and hurt me like this!? Was it that!? Was she better Mamoru because right now I really want to know before I beat the fu** out of you myself!"
Motoki began to cry stilly. His ire no longer for the strange girl in the room but now for Mamoru. For Mamoru's heart he felt didn't want him any longer and that was the greatest pain ever. Even though deep inside Motoki knew it was a mistake, he knew Mamoru's heart and knew it belonged to him and that maybe, somewhere, it was HIS fault. But the seer realization that Mamoru could. WOULD. actually.
Mamoru couldn't say much. He'd remembered all that happened last night that his mind would allow him, which wasn't too much, but feared the thought of thinking about what drove him to it all. All Mamoru could do was worry his shamed eyes at the carpet afraid to look at Motoki and Motoki's stifle teary face. All the indignity. all the compunction.
Mamoru wanted so hard to not believe what was happening. To explain to Motoki that nothing happened. But something did. Mamoru took the girl home from the club and their actions immediately led to bed play without a second thought and Motoki was there to witness the aftermath and hell a battle between emotions and tribulation.
"Tell me!" Motoki demanded his mouth choked with saliva and dripping tears that slipped in from its corners. Motoki, shattered saw Mamoru open his mouth to speak but not a thing came out. "Tell ME!"
"I. Motoki I'm so-"
"NO!" Motoki marched forward and threw Mamoru's chin up eye-level with his. Mamoru's own eyes glistening like a shard of mirror.
"I. I. don't know," Mamoru, sputtered his eyes leaking slightly. "All I can do is apologize."
Mamoru's heart felt bad. He'd let Motoki down and now there was a price to pay, a promise to be broken, a life to take. Mamoru wanted so bad to touch Motoki and end everything forgivingly. But he'd went to far and as brawny as he wanted to be he couldn't help but break down as Motoki tossed back his ring and exited the bedroom with a final sob.
Mamoru dropped to his knees cover his hands over his eyes. The magnetite of his broken heart and the now soundless ring he gave as a promise to Motoki and to their compassion both swollen with chargeable evil responsibilities. Mamoru had allowed his whole world to crash just because he was upset and decided to drink and bring home that girl. His whole lucky world where his heart belonged too much to Motoki that he couldn't hide his mistakes or lie it through and through but because he loved so much he let the truth be known. That one night. His world. Motoki..
No more, Mamoru's mind cried suiting with his sorrow eyes. No more Motoki. No more love. No more walks. No more talks. No more kisses goodnight. No more passion. My world is gone in the blink of an eye.
"Motokiiiiiii," Mamoru drawl closed together, his overwhelmed red wet face rubbing against the carpet while his arms wrapped around his staggered body as if trying to hold it together. Trying to hope.
Fully dressed Usagi lifted herself up in her gown from last night but wearing it didn't make her feel pretty anymore. It made her feel dirty once again. Dizzy, confused, and unfathomable looking from her abrupt assault Usagi rubbed where it ached and started to head out ignoring everything but stopped at the door to give the crying man one last look. She couldn't even account to the fact that she was nearly murdered, her scratched up bruised face in the mirror would bring the consciousness all back soon enough, but to look at that grown man, that stranger with the dark hair crying his eyes out for another man seem to quake Usagi with an odd skepticism but a full round of envy.
We're just strangers, Usagi told herself. I don't know them they don't know me. This is none of my business. Still. the way he made me feel. Like I was alive. Makes me want to come back for more and more and more. But. the value, this twinge.
Her thoughtful eyes roamed to the doorknob she soon gripped.
I'd just ruined someone's life, she reminded herself. And what keeps taking over me that keep making me ruin people's lives!? Why did I hallucinate seeing Shingo screaming at me? Why did I not listen to Michiru when she told me to keep away from that man? Sure it could have been any other way but this. this is too. different, too difficult. and then so rhythmic. I'm destroying people.
She wanted to tell the sobbing man that she was sorry, but that was a feeling in her that felt stupid to say it. What the hell was the deal? They didn't know each other and there was nothing else to be done. They'd never see each other again. The way he made her feel will never arrive again as an opportunity. It was over. There was nothing between them at all and so there was no reason to try to apologize like this was nothing. All Usagi could do was move on and hope the two of them could, even though she doubted it.
The troubled blond slipped out of the room and head toward the bus stop to ride down to the bay, the cramped boathouse, her cage. The cage that she had to release herself from. And so out into the early morning she went about.
When Usagi got to the boathouse she saw that Haruka was nowhere to be seen which was a good thing to her. It was time for her to end all this for real this time, end the whole thing and it didn't evolve her taking her own life. YET, she was going to break the lock off her cage and end it. End the ending of her life and others. With the lock gone then she'd be strong enough to fly into the pits of hell without looking back.
The silence, the stillness in the teetering boathouse. Usagi rocked on her thin legs toward the room at the end of the boathouse where Shingo laid sleep along gripping the wood walls along the way.
"Good," Usagi spoke softly to herself. "He's sleep, makes this a lot easier for me."
The blond dropped to her knees in front of the bunk Shingo slept in and reached into one of the bunk drawers pulling it opened and there rested their book bags with their clothes and other final passions inside. Starting to cry Usagi shuffled through the papers on top that belonged to Haruka and Motoki and took hold of her book bag and pulled the zipper open roughly sticking her shaking hands inside she searched around until her fingers secured around the cold weapon and out she pulled the revolver. The same one that murdered her father, the same one that saved her from Makoto those several days ago. The revolver. her salvation.
Her eyes gleaming in it's shiny complex and her own diamond ridden teary eyes Usagi looked the heavy weapon all over in her trembling hands. Could she do this? Could she REALLY do this? Was it time?
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, sniffled away the last bit of weakness she had in her and took the revolver in both her hands lifting the weighted weapon straight ahead of her arms out.
"I have no choice," she ascertained herself her hands rattling while holding the revolver. "Not a single choice. I don't have a choice."
All the insane chanting and that look drawing into her eyes again as she stood up straight and positioned the barrel of the gun inches away from Shingo's left temple.
"No choice," she continued to recite her hands shaking violently while gripping the revolver ever so deadly against her brother careful not to let the coldness touch him completely and awaken him.
Usagi thought she'd had it all figured out. Destroy Shingo. Destroy him and then she'll have no reason to live then she could be emancipated to end her own life and finally be happy.
"No choice," her blazing demon-set eyes conflagrated open glowing like a dark abyss. Those wild eyes again. The eyes of the beast. The insane beast. There they were again and this time trying to escape. Trying to end it all. Trying to be free.
The demon in Usagi's head told her to do it. DO IT! It told her. PULL THE TRIGGER. YOU'LL BE FREE. DO IT! DO IT! DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! MAKE HIM DIE! MAKE HIM PAY! MAKE HIM PAY! YOUR FATHER HAS TO PAY! MAKE HIM PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It crawled over her mind and heart and began to guzzle what told her to never give up. It hooted at her conscious. It snickered as the combat between the two began to play out once again and Usagi was losing. HE had her now.
Destroy the boy! It told her. Destroy him and you'll be set free from this nightmare!
"Kill him and then myself, kill him and then myself," Usagi chanted darkly. Her sweaty finger rose heavily against the trigger of the revolver, even though she shivered possessed by that horrible demon inside of her hands still quaking as if. as if there was still Usagi left inside of her. As if her hope, her angel was convincing her more profoundly to stop it. To drop the revolver and keep her hopes up. The angel telling her that this wouldn't solve anything. that she had to be stronger.
Usagi gasped tightly like a slap in the face and stumbled backwards dropping the revolver where it hit the wood floor with a loud CLANK. Her chest heaving in air and shooting it back out. Beads of sweat dripped around her face as she looked, looked delicately at Shingo's sleeping figure knowing all too well that at the last minute she was saved. She was saved! Something took her back to the beginning, back to everything and saved her. Kept her from dying and ending it all.
Her hands vibrating viciously at her sides she raised them up racking them through her hair and feeling lost and frail she dropped to the floor and began sobbing softly at first then roughly. The pure apprehension. The lost of her thoughtlessness and now how she couldn't believe how much she was losing her mind was controlling her brain. That shabby have-beaten brain of her hers.
"I'm sorry," she murmured through her flooding tears over and over and over again. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." The world as viewed now seem to darken around her as she laid there singing away bit by bit her agony until the world just snapped the toggle into murkiness.
The salty sea-breeze air rushed up into Usagi's face chillingly as she wrapped her hands around herself fighting the cold standing once again over the jetty over looking the ocean below. Her thoughts simply on screaming and screaming all over again. Her voice now quiet and underdone amidst her swallowed throat. All that screaming to release some of what was plaguing her. Finally she was about to scream it out, scream it out over the jetty where no one could hear over the crashing waves below.
For an hour she'd stood there screaming on and off and finally her thoughts were no longer on revenge of her father. She'd screaming and pondered on and off about what she should do now. What was the next process in her life and what was the most important thing she had to change in it? Nothing made senses whatsoever but there had to be some sort of meaning behind everything. A reason. A reason why she was losing her mind and going through these awful things.
Several times she thought about what happened this morning and wondered about the two men. How were they feeling? What were they doing? Should she go back and try to patch things up basically risking her life? Then Usagi realized that she'd messed up their life, they weren't of any association to her and therefore no need to return. Still. those haunting feelings of pleasure she had last night with the dark guy. She remembered how he seemed to have swept her away from under the covers and made her feel good, wholesome and ready for the world. Made her forget about everything, the past, the present, and a future that may or may not remain in darkness. He'd made her feel good like no other and as much as she wanted him desperately to give her that feeling again she knew better than to go back.
So now what? Usagi though brushing her flowing hair behind her ears. What's the next step? I'm already getting enough money and today should be my last night. Then this will all be over. Finally. I'd get a flight with my own earnings. Unless I could still manage to get that free flight with Mina. But as of now. it seemed too impossible.
Usagi sighed. If only I could just be a little girl again.
Her thoughts now floating in air and the past set behind her she turned slowly to head back down hill to the boat house. There she would talk to Shingo for a bit and tell him more and more how she loved him and wouldn't let anything happen to him. And somewhere between. apologize for nearly killing him from her lunacy sudden stress. She feared looking at Shingo though. What probably helped cause that earlier episode was the hallucination that she'd seen of him previously yelling at her about how she was worthless. Still she knew that was exactly what it simply was, a hallucination. One she'd have to face up with in reality and see whether it was more or not
Usagi's shoes clanked down the pebble path downhill as she forced herself to remain balanced with each step. Several times she took a hold of the trees to help her get through. Being outside made her feel good for once. She was free, set apart from the shaded darkness that the boathouse, the hospital, the club, and her old home had to offer. Being outside made her feel developed somewhere. The sounds of the birds, the whistling wind, the snappy branches, it felt good. The nature, not the city.
As Usagi moved on through making her path she spotted the dock leading to the boathouse and on the dock stood Haruka over looking the ocean with her arms crossed.
"Great," Usagi murmured far from Haruka's listening distance. "Where'd she come from?"
The blond finally hit the sandy beach and from there moved on onto the deck just as Haruka turned toward her with an expression that caught Usagi off guard stopping her in her tracks.
"Oh, Haruka, hi."
Haruka look dangerously at Usagi. A rump of riddance and anger. Haruka could never keep a smile, she may have let a tear slip before but a smile seemed to be too difficult for her making it so hard for Usagi to read what she had on her mind. So so difficult. But this look. this dark look. How Haruka looked at Usagi now was too dark, to fierce, too. regrettable.
Before Usagi could ask what was the matter Haruka cut in sharply.
"Get out," Haruka stoned.
Usagi blinked in silence, riving up, Haruka again this time more boisterously with a swish of her hand.
"I said get the hell out! Get out of here! Go away! Go far away!"
"But-"
Haruka stalked toward Usagi and before the blond could report time Haruka blew a palm like nails across Usagi's left cheek. With a yelp Usagi held her cheek and went tumbling down to the deck rubbing the painful slap that redden her skin like fire.
"Ha. Haruka," Usagi said meekly in pain while her eyes watched the wood graining of the deck afraid to look up at Haruka. "Why?"
Haruka stood over her. "Because I'm sick of your face. You're taking up too much of my room and all the damn trouble you cause. I'm tired of your face! I'm being suffocated with you around! Now go away!"
Don't cry Usagi! Don't cry! There's no need for crying, you've done enough crying! Enough crying! Enough! Enough! Enough! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH CRYING! YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH CRYING! MAKE THEM CRY! MAKE ALL THOSE STICK BASTARDS CRY FOR HURTING YOU! MAKE THEM CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Usagi gasped pushing down those dark feelings in alarm. They were coming up and she felt them. she'd felt them rising so crafty and sweetly wrapping around her brain. The urge to kill Haruka for hurting her, for making her cry. The shadows, it wanted her so bad to react insanely. But she managed to push them back down in their abyss and rise back up as Usagi.
Everything Haruka clarified to Usagi swept into her brain like water. She could understand and actual relate to Haruka's strife, although the slap was inappropriate compared to the fact that Usagi was ready to drown Haruka. There were no hard feelings at all really. Haruka just had to let Usagi know that she couldn't handle her being there after all. Usagi understood completely and wasn't about to object but she also wasn't about to allow Haruka to throw out Shingo. Shingo has to stay.
Usagi climbed to her feet ready to defend herself if she had to and she looked so coldly at Haruka, cold but forgivingly and nodded. "I understand, but I won't allow you to let Shingo leave. He has to stay, until I can come back for him."
"The kid can stay," Haruka spoke as if already in plan. "I'll watch over him but you. you have to leave."
It did hurt Usagi. Once again she was being rejected and abused. So why was she not getting completely used to it yet? Why was her practice of adapting becoming on so feebly?
It takes time, she realized.
"At least let me get my things and say good-bye to Shingo."
Haruka nodded and pointed toward the boathouse. With her head held low fighting back the tears of another dismissal output on life Usagi went inside the boathouse and hurriedly found Shingo awaking in the bunk.
"Usagi?" he questioned in the dim room rubbing his sleepy eyes as she heft up her book bag placing the revolver back inside wondering if Haruka had seen it and realized how dangerous she was.
"Yeah what is it?" Usagi forced a smile bending down to Shingo. She rubbed his hair and the sweat off his forehead.
Shingo's eyes went onto Usagi then onto her book bag and before he could ask Usagi explained as best she could.
"I'm going away for awhile," she told him. "Not long though. Not long at all. Just for a little while and you are going to have to stay here while I-"
"NO!" Shingo rushed his legs out of the bed, Usagi held him to stop before he could stand. "I'm not letting you leave me here! I'm not letting you leave! We're suppose to stick together and... and." his eyes searched in panic fright for the words. "We're suppose to work together to make everything all better."
Usagi shook her head a bit losing her smile then gaining it back but more determinedly. "I know Shingo and we're still going through this together. We're going to make it. It's just that right now I have some decisions to make for myself that will benefit the both of us. You on the other hand. right now I just need you to be somewhere safe where you could be taken care of. Like here."
"With Haruka!?" Shingo sneered. "She's so mean."
"No she's not," Usagi smoothed back his hair. "She can take care of you while I'm gone. Besides you play with the other girls that come here don't you? They're nice and they take care of you too-"
Shingo thought about this looking at his lap and said softly. "I'm not a baby you know?"
Usagi looked shocked at him. Her smile dropped realizing that he noticed it too. Noticed that he wasn't a child anymore like she had in the beginning. Finally he's really. REALLY realizing it.
"WHERE WILL YOU BE GOING!?" Shingo suddenly yelled pushing Usagi away and stood up sharply.
"Sh - Shingo I-"
"WHERE!? You're just trying to leave me behind and find somebody else to go too!" he began to sniffle.
"No, no, no that's not true you know better," Usagi tried to stop his indignation.
"Shut up! Just leave me alone! Leave me all alone!" Shingo slipped into his shoes and stormed out the room.
With a sigh and a slight prayer to God Usagi eyed the ceiling in frustration and decided not to follow after him. He'll get over it soon enough and right now she had to find some place before dark.
"I can't believe I'm still here. and alive." Usagi's calm voice spoke into the darkness of her parents' old room. She opened her tired eyes and looked at the alarm clock feeling another spell bounding rush of the creeps shiver through her. It was almost time for her to head out to the club after taking her nap in the only place she saw fit. her old home. A crime scene forever more. The girl was careful though; she'd sunk back into the house no problem keeping watch out on a substantial level. Careful not to turn on any lights, not to move around too much, whatever it took not to have anyone watching her sneak in and about to cause any trouble.
One thing for sure was that she couldn't believe she was in the house. It was like hell to her, the walls were now colossal prison blocks, and the house smelled like dust, everything remained in place except for upstairs in her old bedroom. That. she didn't want to even think about.
The whole time she'd spent in the house she felt like she was being watched, watched by the family photos, and watched by the ghost of her father. She felt like she didn't have a choice but to come back. To come back and rest in a place that she KNEW if she was going to be caught it was going to end all this. Everything would be over, the running, the manic panicking; it would all be over. And somewhere deep in the back of the blond's mind the risk sounded too sweet.
She couldn't stay for long. She'd only decided to take a quick nap and eat up what was left in the refrigerator hoping none of the policemen went so far as to either eat themselves or check everything even in the kitchen. And she did eat, not much and not to her ratification, but enough to keep her stomach full for awhile while she took her a nap waking up ready to hit the streets where she'll spend the rest of her nights and days with Michiru, or Hotaru, hopefully. Both girls had their own place really and if they'd just let Usagi stay for a couple of days it would make a huge difference on her recovery.
Usagi shook her head. It didn't matter. Today was suppose to be her last day and if she had enough money, which she somehow doubted, then she could prepare to send her and Shingo off to start a new life even if she had to do it alone.
"Which ever way it goes I'm going to make it," she reassured herself out loud after stepping out of her parents' bed heading downstairs book bag in haul and the night casting darkness to her convenient.
On her way to the bus stop leading downtown Usagi couldn't help but to stop to eye the poster plastered against the arcade wall. "'Mina Spears,'" she read. "'Azuba Juuban Civic Center Park Friday from 6pm - 8pm.'" Usagi clutched her book bag tighter around herself narrowing her eyes in concern at the poster and that impossible idea she had pondered up back when all this had started the idea which roamed back into her head.
Maybe I could still do this, tomorrow's the last day and if I don't make enough money tonight I won't be able to leave that club. I know it sounds so stupid, but why can't I help but to believe so much in this idea?
Motoki stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror of his apartment while off in the distance his classical CD spun out the familiar Moonlight Sonata. The blond youth was drowned out in tears and full of terror for his future. Sating serenely on the toilet covering were two liquor purple glass bottles both half-empty from his heavy consuming and in his hands remained the third just opened bottle.
Motoki wavered in his small stand before the mirror and tilted his head back for another swig. The bathroom was hot. With his shirt off he felt the steam from the just-ran water billowing against his skin like fire and it felt so good. He'd turn the water on only on hot, even though his feelings were shallow, empty, and cold. The heat might be able to warm off the cold feelings from earlier that day. Warm his heart back up.
All day long, he laid around skipping work and feeling miserable that his lover and soon to be perpetually husband had turned around on his heart and cheated on him. All the trust Motoki built so simply on Mamoru was incomprehensible and now this. This one incident making him feel louse and insignificant.
Maybe if Motoki would talk to Mamoru instead of taking the phone off the hook and not answering the door due to Mamoru's frequent begging renouncements. Maybe if Motoki would take all the apology gifts sating at his doorstep then he'd be all right and not be thinking that his world was now over.
It's all over, he thought the entire day. The future is screwed. The one man ever in my life I trusted is now. no more. And even if it was a mistake I can't forgive and I can't believe it.
Motoki gasped drunkenly removing the bitter liquid bottle from his lips dropping it to the bathroom floor with a THUNK. He gasped and wiped what remained from his lips and pressed his hands into the porcelain of the sink and bent forward to look at his self again in the mirror. Ravaged and savaged. A bawl of obscurity now. No more hope.
Motoki giggled at his reflection in a giggle not of his own and not from his mind and given point. "You silly little bastard," he laughed teetering dangerously at his loose knees. "You're so USELESS! How could you let him do that to you!? HUH!?" his laughter clicking into anger as he gripped the sides of the mirror prepared to rip it from the wall but stopped as once again he was laughing awkwardly once again shaking his head pitifully. "You're so stupid. But it's your fault."
My fault. I let Mamoru down.
With a disregarding small slap of the mirror Motoki moved stumblingly gripping the walls out into the hallway and into his bedroom mumbling to himself as he immediately went to his desk, grabbed a pen and paper and a framed picture of Mamoru alone and like a zombie went back into the bathroom where he threw the bottles off the toilet and with Mamoru's picture his boarding support he began to write the letter.
"'Mamoru.,'" he started out writing as best his shaky right hand could.
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSE TO BE TOGETHER I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO BE RIGHT ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND I CAN'T THINK OF HURTING YOU BACK LIKE YOU DID ME. I'D NEVER WISH ANYTHING HARMFUL ON YOU AND ALL I CAN DO IS WISH YOU LUCK.
Motoki paused and wiped away at his wet face then continued.
HELL ALL I CAN SAY IS WELL I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU AND I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU AND I CAN'T BE WITH YOU WHEN I TOLD YOU BEFORE IT ONLY TAKES ONE MISTAKE TO BREAK MY HEART COMPLETELY. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S EVER UNDERSTOOD THAT AND THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING IT ALL UP. I CAN'T BE WITH YOU AND THERES NO ONE ELSE OUT THERE FOR ME AND WE CAN'T GET BACK TOGETHER, NOT AFTER ALL THIS. SO I GIVE UP. SO I LOVE YOU AND.
Motoki couldn't think of anything else to say. He dropped the letter to the floor and bent over watching the world turn into a wet mural blur and for a while just sat, to either admire it regret it or fear it. There was something there but most of all was the entity telling him falsely that his life was over and that it was time to go.
"Time to go," Motoki muttered pressing Mamoru's picture against his lips holding them for a whole two minutes. He then dropped the picture next to the letter and proceeded to do what he felt he had to do.
Back watching his reflection he kept telling himself how there was no way, no choice, no one else out there that could love and take care of him like Mamoru. His world was over.
Motoki picked up the small razor blade and moved over to the bathtub with one foot at a time he stepped into the steaming tub jerking his toes back every other moment in retreat but eventually settling his body deep inside the water which became so hot it was cold, cold and numb. His eyes pinched close tight he struggled to get his body to except the heat no matter how boiling against his skin it was.
And it did. it began to swallow him up and his closed tight eyes softened and there he sat relaxing allowing the heat to take him over. To numb away the splicing pain he felt when he rubbed the blade against his wrist. He didn't feel anything, a small pain and that was it. His bleeding wrist settled deep into the tub bubbling streams of blood to the top spreading around it like disturbing icing on a cake. The thick red blood, blanketing the top of the tub over Motoki who kept his eyes closed and kept his mind on what and where was he going to be and become. Peace. Finally peace.
Motoki choked up for a second feeling himself actually feel the shivering shriek of blood escaping their wounds. An easy breath of air escaped his lips and he smiled and matured in further.
No more pain. No more suffering. If he couldn't be with Mamoru, couldn't trust Mamoru, then he couldn't live. His policy, his law. Drain away the past and move on to the future.
"My future," Motoki mumbled to himself. "My. my future."
Suddenly Motoki's eyes snapped open at the sound of his doorbell going off and a loud banging and.
"Mamoru?"
BHAM! BHAM! "Motoki open up! I'm sorry okay! I really need to talk to you!"
Motoki gasped eyeing the closed bathroom door with a rushing sensation. The future. Our future. Driving by his passion for Mamoru the blond pulled out of the bathtub grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his wrists dripping with blood by the tons. Everywhere. In shock Motoki looked and looked at all the blood, the awful blood everywhere dripping everywhere.
"Oh my god," Motoki realized. "Oh my god!" He grabbed another towel and wrapped it furiously around his wrist as best he could. He had to stop it. Had to stop all the damn bleeding. The mistake, the horrible bleeding, he had to stop it. "Mamoru I'm coming!" he raced out the door blasting in the coldness of the hallway as he made a trail.
Motoki was suddenly rushed with a feverous breath of air and swayed backwards, the door leading to Mamoru straight ahead of him now but he felt as if he couldn't make it. He was drowning. Dizzy. Blood seeping through the cotton towels like a sponge. But he made every effort to get to Mamoru. To bring about the correction of his mistake. Even though it hurt and it wouldn't stop he had to get to Mamoru. He had to correct both their blunders. His future wasn't to be dead; it was to be with Mamoru and it was Mamoru's sudden voice that waked him back to the truth. A truth coming too late.
Motoki dropped his right shoulder against the wall knocking a glass picture of his parents over with a wreck. For a second he stayed there pressed against the wall, wheezing as he felt it garrote him. The air. it was leaving. And the dizziness. The tenderness devouring his mind, his body.
"Huuuuuuuuuuu!" Motoki gasped holding his chest as the world became a smear and the corners of his eyes began to darken. He stared anxiously at the door trying desperately to call to Mamoru but it wouldn't come out. It was stuck.
He began to move forward again, one step, and dropped slamming like pipes into the floor before the genko. One of his arms reached from within the towel reaching out for the door, the doorknob trailing a river of shiny precise blood. Anything, anything close to Mamoru. He could hear Mamoru's hammering, his calling of his name, he could hear it all barely. It was so vague. So far away that it hurt.
"Ma - Ma." Motoki mouthed his chest heaving without rhythm. He couldn't breath; he couldn't breath! And why!? Why was this darkness submerging in closer around his eyes and yet. everything was getting so bright. His throat tightened, his eyes pushed out as he felt it slow down, his heart, everything began to slow down and the darkness enthusiastic him in one swell gulp.
With one final breath and his eyes stuck open never to contrast life, Motoki perished there before the door struggling to call for Mamoru. His world droned out. His future gone. He tried to replace everything as he realized that mistakes were made. This mistake went to far and now. it was over.
Motoki, blown of oxygen, his body just laid there eyes open like a fish waddling in blood. He bled to death.
Makoto. after surgery laid there quietly in her deep sleep alone. All alone. the critical surgery was somewhat of a success now it was up to Makoto herself. And even in her deep sleep she wanted to stay there, she didn't want to go back into the world. The painful world. It was as if she was accessible to something better on the other side. With one final faithful forgiveness she gave it to Usagi. She apologized to her sister, he friends and her family. And slowly she left everything behind, took a deep breath and let the air out.
The startled nurse in the room during check up looked up alarmed as Makoto's lifeline went flat. She charged out the room yelling for a doctor but there was no wish or reason. It was Makoto's choice to give up and move on.
Mamoru walked into his home drenched with tears. Once again for the tenth time that day Motoki wouldn't answer the door.
Mamoru wiped at his eyes running his cold hands through his hair in aspiration and started toward his bedroom. The grown man flopped on his bed face down and began sniveling away the regret.
When he finally looked up the first place he turned was toward the picture of Motoki on his nightstand. Alarmed he saw it nowhere to be found until he looked to the floor where the picture had fallen somehow.
The rain roaring down as Usagi flew toward the boathouse. That feeling. She'd almost made it to the club before the rain raced down like hell on fire, huge fat drops slapping against her and she fell in the street in a frosty gasp when she was struck with the feeling.
Makoto was dead.
Welllllllllll? How was it? It took me awhile to finish this chapter too but I finally got it done *all cheerz*. Well anyway, I wish I could finish "Up in the Hills of Kentucky" *sob sob*. I'm going to try and finish that one as soon as possible if I can finish this story first. Okay anyway, e- mail me what you thought. Motoki killed his self and saw that it was just too late to take it back. Even though I knew it I thought it was so sad. And with Makoto, I mean, everybody suddenly forgot about her after the second chapter and suddenly she's not on anyone's mind and now. she's dead. In a better place. So how was it?