Part V
Confessions
A few uneventful weeks passed. Satine's broken heart slowly began to mend with help from Marie and a few of the other diamond dogs that had also been deceived by Pierre. Pierre continued to come to the Moulin Rouge, but after a few encounters with Chocolat, who seemed to have appointed himself as Satine's bodyguard, Pierre came less and less often, eventually disappearing.
As the time went by, Satine's heart healed and hardened. She became even more focused on her work, rehearsing every spare moment she had, throwing herself into her singing and dancing.
"I really am gratefully for Pierre now," Satine said thoughtfully. During one of her rare breaks, she and Marie were enjoying a cup of tea together and chatting. Although neither of them said anything about it, Satine thought of Marie as her mother, and she knew Marie saw her as the daughter she had never had.
"Why?" Marie asked, taking a sip of tea. She looked at Satine over the rim of her cup.
"Because he taught me an invaluable lesson," Satine said confidently, wrapping her hands around her warm teacup, "He taught me that in this line of work, I cannot fall in love. Believing that I can do so is a weakness, and I'm grateful to him for showing me that."
"Don't go there, sweet," Marie said, her tone grave.
"Why not?" Satine asked, "It's the truth, isn't it?"
"You can always fall in love," Marie said, putting her hand over Satine's, "And don't let any overzealous manager, jealous can-can dancer, or thoughtless bastard tell you otherwise!"
Satine sighed, shifting in her chair, "Marie, to fall in love is to open yourself up, to make yourself vulnerable. And when you sleep with a different man every night, you cannot be vulnerable." She stared into her teacup.
"I know exactly what you're thinking," Marie said softly, "And please, don't do that to yourself. Everyone deserves to be loved, Satine. Don't let one bad experience teach you otherwise. Don't make the same mistake I did."
Satine was dying to ask Marie what that cryptic comment meant, but the sad, faraway look in Marie's eyes told her that it was a subject best left untouched. Instead, Satine squeezed hand comfortingly.
"Well, Marie, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep before the show," Satine rose, tipping her head back and downing the last drop of tea in her cup. Marie nodded but did not reply, her chin in her hand, her eyes looking at something Satine couldn't see, something that she suspected was long in the past.
Satine slipped out the door and walked to her room where she stripped off her dress and crawled into bed. She pulled the ratty blanket she kept at the foot of her bed over her shoulders, snuggled down into her pillow, and was asleep a moment later.
She didn't know how long she slept, but when she awoke she sensed someone in the room with her before she saw him sitting on her bed.
"Chocolat!" Satine exclaimed, a hand on her thumping heart. Realizing that she was clad only in her slip, she clutched the blanket to her chest.
"I'm sorry I frightened you," Chocolat said, his voice deep.
"What are you doing here?" Satine ran a hand through her hair, "The show won't start for a few hours, will it?"
"No," Chocolat stared at his hands, which were tightly clasped in his lap.
"Then...what are you doing here?" Satine asked gently, her eyes flickering over Chocolat's tense body and averted eyes.
"I have something to tell you," Chocolat whispered, his coffee-colored cheeks reddening slightly.
"Yes?" Satine took one of his large, warm hands between her smaller ones. "What is it? You know you can tell me anything."
"I love you."
Satine felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Love? He loved her? No, not Chocolat, dear Chocolat. How could he love her? "How could you love me?" she burst out. Seeing his face fall, she gripped his hands more tightly.
"I didn't mean it like that, I didn't," she whispered urgently, "I just meant...oh, Chocolat, you don't love me."
"Yes, mademoiselle, I do."
"Oh, Chocolat..." Satine threw her arms around him, tears spilling down her cheeks. She clung to his strong frame, feeling his heart fluttering against her chest.
"Chocolat..." Satine pulled away and took his head in her hands. She looked searchingly into his brown eyes, which also glistened with tears. She cradled his face between her palms as she spoke. "Chocolat, I am a courtesan. I made a vow not to fall in love, and I intend to keep it. For me, love means pain and heartbreak, and I cannot, I will not see you get hurt. I won't!"
"Isn't that my decision to make?" Chocolat asked simply.
"Oh God," Satine blinked rapidly, a tear clinging to her long lashes.
"I was attracted to you the instant I saw you," Chocolat said, "and as I've gotten to know you my feelings have grown from friendship to love."
"No, no, no!" Satine shouted, "Don't say that word; do not say that word!" She took a deep breath. "It's a sacrifice I must make if I want to attain stardom, and I am willing to do so, but you're making this very difficult."
In response, Chocolat leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth. His lips were soft and full, and Satine felt her resolve against this steadfast protector of hers weakening.
"Nnno!" Satine wrenched her lips off of his and scrambled backwards in the bed. They stared at one another in silence, both breathing hard. Satine found herself unable to tear her gaze off of his face, away from his eyes, which were watching her intently.
"You've never looked more beautiful," Chocolat murmured. Satine's fiery hair was tousled and tangled, and her eyes were wide, with a wild look in them. One strap of her beige slip had fallen off her shoulder, and now Chocolat reached forward and gently slid it back in place. Satine shivered when his fingers touched her.
"Chocolat, I think you should leave," she said, steeling herself. She got out of bed and grabbed her bathrobe off the floor, wrapping it around her body.
"Mademoiselle..."
"Please just go," she said tightly, trying to keep the emotions she was feeling out of her voice. She heard the bed creak as Chocolat got to his feet. "I'm sorry," she burst out, spinning around to face him. He stared dispassionately back at her.
"It's for the best, Chocolat, it really is," Satine continued, taking a few steps towards him, "We'll be friends for a lot longer than we could be lovers in this world. It's for the best."
"For you, maybe," Chocolat shrugged, "I just want you to know that I respect your feelings, and I will not let this get in the way of my protecting you. But you cannot make my feelings change, no matter what you say."
With that, Chocolat left the room, leaving the door open a crack behind him. Clutching the tie of her robe, Satine ran to the door. She peered outside, watching Chocolat's departure down the hallway, his lively gait replaced by a hunched, lifeless amble.
"God!" Satine began to cry again. She fell onto the bed, sobbing wildly. It wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair! In pursuing her lifelong dream, she was denying herself and others the chance to love. Satine's shoulders shook as she wept into her pillow, drenching it with tears.
Finally, Satine rolled onto her back, clutching the pillow to her chest as she stared up at the cracked, stained ceiling. If I focus on love, I may never get out of bed again, she thought. I need to concentrate on my singing and my dancing. That is how you make a good life for yourself; you concentrate on your goals, and you do not allow yourself to be distracted - by anything, she berated herself. She'd been lax in her focus, and it was showing. She was a sopping, tearful mess.
And, lying in her unmade bed that mournful afternoon, try as she might, Satine could not convince herself that she didn't crave love. But even more than that, she wanted to be a star, and Satine knew that eventually, somehow, she always got what she wanted.
Confessions
A few uneventful weeks passed. Satine's broken heart slowly began to mend with help from Marie and a few of the other diamond dogs that had also been deceived by Pierre. Pierre continued to come to the Moulin Rouge, but after a few encounters with Chocolat, who seemed to have appointed himself as Satine's bodyguard, Pierre came less and less often, eventually disappearing.
As the time went by, Satine's heart healed and hardened. She became even more focused on her work, rehearsing every spare moment she had, throwing herself into her singing and dancing.
"I really am gratefully for Pierre now," Satine said thoughtfully. During one of her rare breaks, she and Marie were enjoying a cup of tea together and chatting. Although neither of them said anything about it, Satine thought of Marie as her mother, and she knew Marie saw her as the daughter she had never had.
"Why?" Marie asked, taking a sip of tea. She looked at Satine over the rim of her cup.
"Because he taught me an invaluable lesson," Satine said confidently, wrapping her hands around her warm teacup, "He taught me that in this line of work, I cannot fall in love. Believing that I can do so is a weakness, and I'm grateful to him for showing me that."
"Don't go there, sweet," Marie said, her tone grave.
"Why not?" Satine asked, "It's the truth, isn't it?"
"You can always fall in love," Marie said, putting her hand over Satine's, "And don't let any overzealous manager, jealous can-can dancer, or thoughtless bastard tell you otherwise!"
Satine sighed, shifting in her chair, "Marie, to fall in love is to open yourself up, to make yourself vulnerable. And when you sleep with a different man every night, you cannot be vulnerable." She stared into her teacup.
"I know exactly what you're thinking," Marie said softly, "And please, don't do that to yourself. Everyone deserves to be loved, Satine. Don't let one bad experience teach you otherwise. Don't make the same mistake I did."
Satine was dying to ask Marie what that cryptic comment meant, but the sad, faraway look in Marie's eyes told her that it was a subject best left untouched. Instead, Satine squeezed hand comfortingly.
"Well, Marie, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep before the show," Satine rose, tipping her head back and downing the last drop of tea in her cup. Marie nodded but did not reply, her chin in her hand, her eyes looking at something Satine couldn't see, something that she suspected was long in the past.
Satine slipped out the door and walked to her room where she stripped off her dress and crawled into bed. She pulled the ratty blanket she kept at the foot of her bed over her shoulders, snuggled down into her pillow, and was asleep a moment later.
She didn't know how long she slept, but when she awoke she sensed someone in the room with her before she saw him sitting on her bed.
"Chocolat!" Satine exclaimed, a hand on her thumping heart. Realizing that she was clad only in her slip, she clutched the blanket to her chest.
"I'm sorry I frightened you," Chocolat said, his voice deep.
"What are you doing here?" Satine ran a hand through her hair, "The show won't start for a few hours, will it?"
"No," Chocolat stared at his hands, which were tightly clasped in his lap.
"Then...what are you doing here?" Satine asked gently, her eyes flickering over Chocolat's tense body and averted eyes.
"I have something to tell you," Chocolat whispered, his coffee-colored cheeks reddening slightly.
"Yes?" Satine took one of his large, warm hands between her smaller ones. "What is it? You know you can tell me anything."
"I love you."
Satine felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Love? He loved her? No, not Chocolat, dear Chocolat. How could he love her? "How could you love me?" she burst out. Seeing his face fall, she gripped his hands more tightly.
"I didn't mean it like that, I didn't," she whispered urgently, "I just meant...oh, Chocolat, you don't love me."
"Yes, mademoiselle, I do."
"Oh, Chocolat..." Satine threw her arms around him, tears spilling down her cheeks. She clung to his strong frame, feeling his heart fluttering against her chest.
"Chocolat..." Satine pulled away and took his head in her hands. She looked searchingly into his brown eyes, which also glistened with tears. She cradled his face between her palms as she spoke. "Chocolat, I am a courtesan. I made a vow not to fall in love, and I intend to keep it. For me, love means pain and heartbreak, and I cannot, I will not see you get hurt. I won't!"
"Isn't that my decision to make?" Chocolat asked simply.
"Oh God," Satine blinked rapidly, a tear clinging to her long lashes.
"I was attracted to you the instant I saw you," Chocolat said, "and as I've gotten to know you my feelings have grown from friendship to love."
"No, no, no!" Satine shouted, "Don't say that word; do not say that word!" She took a deep breath. "It's a sacrifice I must make if I want to attain stardom, and I am willing to do so, but you're making this very difficult."
In response, Chocolat leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth. His lips were soft and full, and Satine felt her resolve against this steadfast protector of hers weakening.
"Nnno!" Satine wrenched her lips off of his and scrambled backwards in the bed. They stared at one another in silence, both breathing hard. Satine found herself unable to tear her gaze off of his face, away from his eyes, which were watching her intently.
"You've never looked more beautiful," Chocolat murmured. Satine's fiery hair was tousled and tangled, and her eyes were wide, with a wild look in them. One strap of her beige slip had fallen off her shoulder, and now Chocolat reached forward and gently slid it back in place. Satine shivered when his fingers touched her.
"Chocolat, I think you should leave," she said, steeling herself. She got out of bed and grabbed her bathrobe off the floor, wrapping it around her body.
"Mademoiselle..."
"Please just go," she said tightly, trying to keep the emotions she was feeling out of her voice. She heard the bed creak as Chocolat got to his feet. "I'm sorry," she burst out, spinning around to face him. He stared dispassionately back at her.
"It's for the best, Chocolat, it really is," Satine continued, taking a few steps towards him, "We'll be friends for a lot longer than we could be lovers in this world. It's for the best."
"For you, maybe," Chocolat shrugged, "I just want you to know that I respect your feelings, and I will not let this get in the way of my protecting you. But you cannot make my feelings change, no matter what you say."
With that, Chocolat left the room, leaving the door open a crack behind him. Clutching the tie of her robe, Satine ran to the door. She peered outside, watching Chocolat's departure down the hallway, his lively gait replaced by a hunched, lifeless amble.
"God!" Satine began to cry again. She fell onto the bed, sobbing wildly. It wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair! In pursuing her lifelong dream, she was denying herself and others the chance to love. Satine's shoulders shook as she wept into her pillow, drenching it with tears.
Finally, Satine rolled onto her back, clutching the pillow to her chest as she stared up at the cracked, stained ceiling. If I focus on love, I may never get out of bed again, she thought. I need to concentrate on my singing and my dancing. That is how you make a good life for yourself; you concentrate on your goals, and you do not allow yourself to be distracted - by anything, she berated herself. She'd been lax in her focus, and it was showing. She was a sopping, tearful mess.
And, lying in her unmade bed that mournful afternoon, try as she might, Satine could not convince herself that she didn't crave love. But even more than that, she wanted to be a star, and Satine knew that eventually, somehow, she always got what she wanted.