Disclaimer: Oscar Wilde has been dead for over a hundred years, so I seriously doubt he's going to raise any objections to this. However, I'm going to be good and say: "The Importance of Being Ernest is not mine, I don't know whose it is, but it's definitely not mine. I am doing this for pleasure not profit. I don't think even Wilde himself made a huge profit out of his work (well, he died poverty-stricken at any rate), so as if I would.
Note: This little scene slots in between Acts 1 and 2 of Wilde's "The Importance of Being Ernest" and involves Gwendolen planning her Act 2 visit to Ernest. Obviously it's futile to even attempt to emulate Wilde, but I've done my best to keep within his style, and continue his jokes (ie Bunburying, deception, the characters' stupidity, the sandwich/muffin gag which here appears in the form of Gwendolen's chocolates). I'm basically exploring my favourite characters, the scheming Gwendolen and her marvelously snobbish mother, Lady Bracknell, and I've introduced a new character, the lady's maid Mason, partly to parallel to the male servants, and partly so that Gwendolen actually has someone to discuss her plans with.
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SCENE
*Gwendolen's sitting room at the Bracknell's residence. The room is filled with tasteful furniture and paintings, but is too cluttered to give the effect of elegance. Candles show the lateness of hour. *
[Gwendolen is seated at a writing table, scribbling furiously, while Mason is engaged in straightening the room.]
Gwendolen: [Tosses aside her pen] It's no good, Mason. It's simply impossible to write in a manner that will ensure Ernest's continued devotion. Men, I have discovered, are incapable of absorbing subtle hints. One must be blunt, blunt and firm, to be certain of being understood. Ernest in particular is very prone to misunderstanding. And a letter... a letter he could interpret in any way he wished.
Mason: In my opinion ma'am, a blunt hint is best delivered personally.
Gwendolen: [grandly] I didn't ask for your opinion. I don't care for anyone's opinion but my own. [Goes over and selects a chocolate from a dish] However...I think, Mason, since I rely on you to arrange my clothing, I must tell you candidly that I do plan to pay a visit to Ernest in the country. A trip into the fresh country air will probably do me a great deal more harm than good. But I will brave it for Ernest.
Mason: It seems an excellent plan to me, ma'am.
Gwendolen: My plans generally are, or so I am told. [Seats herself next to the chocolate dish and continues to eat] I can think of nothing more delightful than visiting my beloved. And there can be no harm, surely, in seeing over the house before our engagement is made formal.
Mason: Will you be making this expedition tomorrow ma'am?
Gwendolen: I see no reason to lose any time. This marriage is proving to be a more difficult business than I had anticipated, and the sooner it is concluded, the less possibility there is that my Ernest will be led astray by any artful country miss.
Mason: [blandly] Surely, ma'am, Mr. Worthing could not forget your delicate charms, after all your effort in convincing him of them.
Gwendolen: [looks suspiciously at Mason] You are entirely too forward. Why you make me out to be quite a flirt. I, make an effort? I would never do anything so common. What could be more natural than Ernest appreciating me? I have no need of anything so vulgar as effort to
excite admiration.
Mason: [raises an eyebrow behind Gwendolen's back] Indeed ma'am. Of course I'm mistaken.
Gwendolen: [languidly] Yes you really are. I don't pretend to understand the lower-class notion that exertion is necessary for success. [yawns widely]
[There is a rap at the door. Mason moves to open it, but Lady Bracknell sails in before she can.]
Lady B: Gwendolen, I wish to talk with you.
Gwendolen: Yes mamma.
Lady B: Gwendolen, you may dismiss your maid.
Gwendolen: Mason, go and set out my night things
Mason: Yes ma'am. [exits]
Lady B: I wish, Gwendolen, that you had sent her to the servant's hall. She may listen to our conversation from the bedroom.
Gwendolen: She'd have listened through the keyhole of the other door in that case.
Lady B: Do you really think it appropriate to have a servant who is so sly?
Gwendolen: [Cheerfully] Of course. That's why I keep her. How else I should find out what is going on in the house? You couldn't honestly expect me to listen at keyholes.
Lady B: Well I think it is most dishonest. [sternly] Gwendolen.
Gwendolen: Yes mamma.
Lady B: I expressly forbid you travelling to the country to see Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: How could you know that I planned that?
Lady B: I was examining the hallway outside of your room and I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. [Gwendolen coughs disbelievingly, but Lady B is undeterred] Really, the maids neglect their dusting scandalously.
Gwendolen: [sardonically] How obliging of them.
Lady B: Gwendolen, you may not visit Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: Well, of course I won't if you disapprove of the scheme, mamma.
Lady B: Tomorrow you will accompany me on a visit to the Duchess of Bolton.
This ridiculous affair has quite unnerved me. I may have to make some adjustments to the list.
Gwendolen: [with an innocent air] The list, mamma?
Lady B: [impatiently] Yes, the list. The list of your future husbands.
Gwendolen: [thoughtfully] I'm to have more than one, am I? Well, I can't say
that I would really object to that.
Lady B: Don't be impertinent. You know perfectly well that your father and I
don't approve of multiple marriages except in very extreme cases.
Gwendolen: Will father be visiting Lady Bolton with us?
Lady B: Certainly not. Your father has no idea of how to conduct himself in a
simple social setting. Or, at least, not where there are women
involved.
Gwendolen: Ernest is just the same at times.
Lady B: [affronted] Pardon me, but your father bears no resemblance at all to
Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: And what is the great difference between them?
Lady B: Your father is well born. [nods and rises triumphantly, as if she has
settled the matter] You will go to bed now Gwendolen. Good night.
Gwendolen: Good night mama. [Lady B exits] Mason. [Mason enters.] Go out into
the hallway and assure mama that you will see to the dusting. [Mason exits. Gwendolen moves to the writing desk and shifts papers about, finally fixing on a sheet and reading it] The Manor House, Woolton,
Hertfordshire. Well, it sounds well enough. It's not an inconvenient distance from town.
[Mason reenters]
Mason: I informed her ladyship of my intention to dust. She did not appear
overly pleased.
Gwendolen: Has she gone?
Mason: Yes ma'am.
Gwendolen: Tomorrow Mason, I shall depart early for the country. I have my
Ernest's address here. You will remain behind to keep my secret.
Mason: Of course ma'am.
Gwendolen: There is something quite thrilling in the idea of a mysterious
flight. I begin to see why Algy enjoys his Bunburying so.
Mason: Bunburying ma'am?
Gwendolen: Oh, it's one of my cousin's little deceptions - one of those of
which he is certain nobody is aware. Poor dear! he imagines himself to be so sly.
Mason: Is Mr. Worthing at all involved in this Bunburying ma'am?
Gwendolen: Gracious no! My Ernest has such a simple nature; I'm quite sure that
he would be unable to deceive me. All the same... I have so little knowledge of Ernest's country life. It's as if he doesn't exist at all when he's not in town. I shall feel much more secure after I have observed the situation for myself.
Mason: It is to be hoped so ma'am.
Gwendolen: I am determined to check on Ernest. He is so credulous and
Unquestioning - one might even say suggestible. He would be so easily trapped into marriage by a really clever girl.
Mason: I surmised as much myself, ma'am.
Gwendolen: [rises and moves towards the bedroom] Mason, would you put out the
lights.
Mason: Yes. Goodnight ma'am.
[Gwendolen exits. Mason moves to the writing desk and examines the sheet of paper with the address before extinguishing the lights]
Note: This little scene slots in between Acts 1 and 2 of Wilde's "The Importance of Being Ernest" and involves Gwendolen planning her Act 2 visit to Ernest. Obviously it's futile to even attempt to emulate Wilde, but I've done my best to keep within his style, and continue his jokes (ie Bunburying, deception, the characters' stupidity, the sandwich/muffin gag which here appears in the form of Gwendolen's chocolates). I'm basically exploring my favourite characters, the scheming Gwendolen and her marvelously snobbish mother, Lady Bracknell, and I've introduced a new character, the lady's maid Mason, partly to parallel to the male servants, and partly so that Gwendolen actually has someone to discuss her plans with.
-----------------------------------------------------
SCENE
*Gwendolen's sitting room at the Bracknell's residence. The room is filled with tasteful furniture and paintings, but is too cluttered to give the effect of elegance. Candles show the lateness of hour. *
[Gwendolen is seated at a writing table, scribbling furiously, while Mason is engaged in straightening the room.]
Gwendolen: [Tosses aside her pen] It's no good, Mason. It's simply impossible to write in a manner that will ensure Ernest's continued devotion. Men, I have discovered, are incapable of absorbing subtle hints. One must be blunt, blunt and firm, to be certain of being understood. Ernest in particular is very prone to misunderstanding. And a letter... a letter he could interpret in any way he wished.
Mason: In my opinion ma'am, a blunt hint is best delivered personally.
Gwendolen: [grandly] I didn't ask for your opinion. I don't care for anyone's opinion but my own. [Goes over and selects a chocolate from a dish] However...I think, Mason, since I rely on you to arrange my clothing, I must tell you candidly that I do plan to pay a visit to Ernest in the country. A trip into the fresh country air will probably do me a great deal more harm than good. But I will brave it for Ernest.
Mason: It seems an excellent plan to me, ma'am.
Gwendolen: My plans generally are, or so I am told. [Seats herself next to the chocolate dish and continues to eat] I can think of nothing more delightful than visiting my beloved. And there can be no harm, surely, in seeing over the house before our engagement is made formal.
Mason: Will you be making this expedition tomorrow ma'am?
Gwendolen: I see no reason to lose any time. This marriage is proving to be a more difficult business than I had anticipated, and the sooner it is concluded, the less possibility there is that my Ernest will be led astray by any artful country miss.
Mason: [blandly] Surely, ma'am, Mr. Worthing could not forget your delicate charms, after all your effort in convincing him of them.
Gwendolen: [looks suspiciously at Mason] You are entirely too forward. Why you make me out to be quite a flirt. I, make an effort? I would never do anything so common. What could be more natural than Ernest appreciating me? I have no need of anything so vulgar as effort to
excite admiration.
Mason: [raises an eyebrow behind Gwendolen's back] Indeed ma'am. Of course I'm mistaken.
Gwendolen: [languidly] Yes you really are. I don't pretend to understand the lower-class notion that exertion is necessary for success. [yawns widely]
[There is a rap at the door. Mason moves to open it, but Lady Bracknell sails in before she can.]
Lady B: Gwendolen, I wish to talk with you.
Gwendolen: Yes mamma.
Lady B: Gwendolen, you may dismiss your maid.
Gwendolen: Mason, go and set out my night things
Mason: Yes ma'am. [exits]
Lady B: I wish, Gwendolen, that you had sent her to the servant's hall. She may listen to our conversation from the bedroom.
Gwendolen: She'd have listened through the keyhole of the other door in that case.
Lady B: Do you really think it appropriate to have a servant who is so sly?
Gwendolen: [Cheerfully] Of course. That's why I keep her. How else I should find out what is going on in the house? You couldn't honestly expect me to listen at keyholes.
Lady B: Well I think it is most dishonest. [sternly] Gwendolen.
Gwendolen: Yes mamma.
Lady B: I expressly forbid you travelling to the country to see Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: How could you know that I planned that?
Lady B: I was examining the hallway outside of your room and I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. [Gwendolen coughs disbelievingly, but Lady B is undeterred] Really, the maids neglect their dusting scandalously.
Gwendolen: [sardonically] How obliging of them.
Lady B: Gwendolen, you may not visit Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: Well, of course I won't if you disapprove of the scheme, mamma.
Lady B: Tomorrow you will accompany me on a visit to the Duchess of Bolton.
This ridiculous affair has quite unnerved me. I may have to make some adjustments to the list.
Gwendolen: [with an innocent air] The list, mamma?
Lady B: [impatiently] Yes, the list. The list of your future husbands.
Gwendolen: [thoughtfully] I'm to have more than one, am I? Well, I can't say
that I would really object to that.
Lady B: Don't be impertinent. You know perfectly well that your father and I
don't approve of multiple marriages except in very extreme cases.
Gwendolen: Will father be visiting Lady Bolton with us?
Lady B: Certainly not. Your father has no idea of how to conduct himself in a
simple social setting. Or, at least, not where there are women
involved.
Gwendolen: Ernest is just the same at times.
Lady B: [affronted] Pardon me, but your father bears no resemblance at all to
Mr. Worthing.
Gwendolen: And what is the great difference between them?
Lady B: Your father is well born. [nods and rises triumphantly, as if she has
settled the matter] You will go to bed now Gwendolen. Good night.
Gwendolen: Good night mama. [Lady B exits] Mason. [Mason enters.] Go out into
the hallway and assure mama that you will see to the dusting. [Mason exits. Gwendolen moves to the writing desk and shifts papers about, finally fixing on a sheet and reading it] The Manor House, Woolton,
Hertfordshire. Well, it sounds well enough. It's not an inconvenient distance from town.
[Mason reenters]
Mason: I informed her ladyship of my intention to dust. She did not appear
overly pleased.
Gwendolen: Has she gone?
Mason: Yes ma'am.
Gwendolen: Tomorrow Mason, I shall depart early for the country. I have my
Ernest's address here. You will remain behind to keep my secret.
Mason: Of course ma'am.
Gwendolen: There is something quite thrilling in the idea of a mysterious
flight. I begin to see why Algy enjoys his Bunburying so.
Mason: Bunburying ma'am?
Gwendolen: Oh, it's one of my cousin's little deceptions - one of those of
which he is certain nobody is aware. Poor dear! he imagines himself to be so sly.
Mason: Is Mr. Worthing at all involved in this Bunburying ma'am?
Gwendolen: Gracious no! My Ernest has such a simple nature; I'm quite sure that
he would be unable to deceive me. All the same... I have so little knowledge of Ernest's country life. It's as if he doesn't exist at all when he's not in town. I shall feel much more secure after I have observed the situation for myself.
Mason: It is to be hoped so ma'am.
Gwendolen: I am determined to check on Ernest. He is so credulous and
Unquestioning - one might even say suggestible. He would be so easily trapped into marriage by a really clever girl.
Mason: I surmised as much myself, ma'am.
Gwendolen: [rises and moves towards the bedroom] Mason, would you put out the
lights.
Mason: Yes. Goodnight ma'am.
[Gwendolen exits. Mason moves to the writing desk and examines the sheet of paper with the address before extinguishing the lights]