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"Marushka had to find her first that's all. Now if you wouldn't mind moving mutt we can start this," Severus said glaring at the big black dog that was blocking the way.
Seconds later Sirius Black transformed and gave Severus a glare back before moving out of the way and scooping Harry up into a huge hug. "Great to see you Harry," with a smile for him.
Harry smiled back. "Great too see you too Sirius. You really look good these days."
Sirius chuckled and put his hand up to his mid back length black hair, sweeping a few stray strands back behind his ear. "Helps when your not living off rats and rubbish eh?" he said giving Severus another slight glare.
"If you're quite done discussing your dietary habits Black I'd like to get on with this?" Severus cut in.
"Be my guest oh Great Potion's Master," Sirius said with an exaggerated bow and surprisingly gave Severus an amused grin.
Severus rolled his eyes but chose not to comment, instead he pulled out the same medallion that Harry had seen many times by now. Taking it off his neck he thought for a moment then turned to Harry and held out the medallion. "Take this."
Harry took it hesitantly and looked down at the medallion a bit awed. Now that he was up close to it he could see what was on it and he gave a mild gasp of surprise. For a second he glanced at the statue opposite the wall and then back down to the medallion reading the words on it carefully but they were in Welsh so he didn't quite understand them. Whatever it said however obviously had meant a lot to the two people that made up the statue and were on the medallion. Looking back up at Severus he asked, "What do the words mean?"
"At Gorchefygu Anhoffter Ond Yr Cyfoeth Cariad Brydiau Bod Chwithau Achubiaeth." Severus said quietly and looked at both Remus and Sirius with a very unguarded gaze. "It says basically - "To Overcome Hatred Only The Power Of Love Will Be Your Salvation."
"Can love really be that powerful?" Harry asked skeptically.
"Far more than anyone thinks it is Harry," Sirius said softly and tapped the bricks on the wall to realign them. "put the medallion in that circle there," he said pointing to an indented area on the door.
Harry did as he was told and the door slowly opened up. Severus took the medallion back and hid it underneath his collar, while Remus and Sirius walked through the doorway. Harry followed them silently then finally Severus came through, and the door and assumedly the wall closed up behind them. It took a moment before Harry realised they were actually in a short corridor not a room at first, but it was only a few feet before they arrived at a place that made Harry stop and stare in wonder and awe.
The room was unlike anything Harry had seen in the castle so far, beautiful barely even scratched the surface of the words he could use to describe it. It was far from that really...it was...magic. A room that vibrated and swirled with pure magic and colour. Reds, golds, greens and silvers seemed to fill every corner. Magically enhanced tapestries watched them as if in approval, some of the people in them even smiled at Harry.
On one wall above a huge king sized bed was two tapestries Harry knew well. One was the Gryffindor crest, one the Slytherin crest. There were bookshelves lining one of the walls that reached from floor to ceiling, end to end, a ladder like in Olivanders wand shop was attached to it in order to reach the top shelves. In another corner was a huge oak desk with stacks of books and papers on it. On the wall above the desk was a portrait of two men that Harry again recognised, and again was surprised to see how young and carefree they looked.
Harry walked over to the portrait gazing at up it a moment before realising the two men in the portrait were smiling down at him. Severus came up next to Harry and nodded his head slightly towards the two men who nodded back. "Evening Severus, so you've finally brought him eh?" the man with the jet black hair said.
Severus nodded again. "I believe it's time he knew Salazar."
"Salazar? As in 'the' Salazar? Salazar Slytherin?" Harry said awed.
Severus gave a slight grin. "Yes, as in 'the' Salazar Slytherin. As well as Godric Gryffindor," he said nodding at the reddish brown haired man.
"Godric Gryffindor? Really?" Harry said feeling a bit lightheaded at being round two of the founders, even if one of them was Salazar Slytherin.
The reddish brown haired man chuckled and nodded back at Harry. "Well met young man. Good to finally meet you in person, heard quite a bit about you from these three," he said indicating Severus, Remus and Sirius.
"Er...it's umm...nice to meet you too sir," Harry said.
"Call me Godric, sir makes me seem so old doesn't it? Do look old to you?" Godric said with a grin.
Harry chuckled slightly less in shock now and shook his head. "No not at all. I just never have seen you look young before other then the statue outside."
"That thing still round eh? Never did like it much. Always said it was a waste of time to make it," Salazar said muttering.
"Yes well if you two wouldn't mind, we have quite a bit to discuss tonight," Severus said turning Harry away from the portrait.
"Not a problem, we'll just sit and listen as we always do. Unless you'd care for a bit of a wander would you Godric? I believe there's two very lonely good looking women down on the third floor corridor we can spend with some time with..." Salazar said with a grin and nudged Godric in the ribs.
"Ah we haven't visited Helga and Rowena quite a bit now, I think I'd enjoy the company. If you'll pardon us gentleman..." Godric said with a bow and the two men jumped off through a few other portraits before disappearing.
"They're....so different then I expected...." Harry said slowly as he watched them leave.
Remus chuckled. "Surprised us too the first time we saw them. Pranksters the both of them...now I see where James got it....definitely in the bloodline."
A cough from the wall made all four of them turn round quickly. "Salazar wasn't really as bad as everyone thought he was. At least not at this point when he was younger. He didn't turn bitter until much later on you know, that portrait of them was actually before Hogwarts was built, while they were still good friends," Lily said slipping into the portrait Godric and Salazar just left.
"Ah good you're here Lily. What took so long?" Sirius said smiling up at her.
"Sorry Padfoot, got delayed by Sir Cadogan. I swear that man is a menace! Why they ever allowed him to be painted is beyond me," Lily said muttering.
Harry grinned and nodded. "I agree with you mum. In 3rd year he had to replace the Fat Lady when Sirius...er...that is..." he said glancing sheepishly at Sirius.
"You mean when I slashed up the Fat Lady's painting hmm? Something I regret now believe me, and I've had to go down on my knees a hundred times till she accepted my apologies," Sirius said blushing a bit.
"Well now that well know what your capable of Black....do you mind if we begin?" Severus said in his usual silky drawl, though it was laced with a tiny bit of amusement.
"Harry why don't you take a seat on the bed all right? Be more comfortable and err...you probably will be wanting to be seated when we tell you what we're going to..." Remus said walking over to Harry and steering him towards the bed where Harry promptly sat down.
Remus and Sirius pulled over two chairs that had been by the desk, but Severus chose to stand near the fireplace that adorned one of the walls. The room was windowless, and the fire that now burned brightly warmed the room. Remus and Sirius looked at Severus a moment as if unsure how to proceed, but with some sort of unspoken signal Severus began to choose his words.
"I suppose it's best to start at the beginning....though I'm not even sure where that is anymore. But if I had to start to somewhere...it would begin here, at Hogwarts, in 1976," Severus said slowly.
"We were 16 and a lot was going on in the wizarding world. Voldemort was steadily growing in supporters, and a lot of the Slytherin children were even being drawn into the folds of it all. Lucius Malfoy, Marcus Goyle, Vigaro Crabbe, Alistar McNair, Robert Avery, Vincent Lestrange, Patrick Parkinson...to name a few...were all supporters of his secretly. Though they were children they were the eyes and ears of Voldemort here at the school, reporting back to him anything of 'interest'."
"Were you too?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Severus sighed sadly for a moment and nodded his head. "In a way yes and no. As a Slytherin I had little choice to do what was expected of me. My father, though not a supporter of Voldemort because of my mother, was very deep into the dark arts. And in his rights an excellent potions master as well. Because of that fact I grew up knowing everything there was about dark arts and potions that he could teach me, and what he didn't I found out on my own. I was a very inquisitive child, mainly because I preferred to be alone."
"Was your father Russian too?" Harry asked.
Severus shook his head. "No, he was British and staid as you could get. He met my mother while travelling through Russia for some business of my grandfathers. I wouldn't say they 'fell in love' at first sight, I don't think my father was capable of being caught up in that emotion, however my mother came from a very wealthy and well known pureblooded wizarding family and she was the first woman I suppose he admired. The match was acceptable to both sides and 6 months later they married."
"But didn't your father care that your mum was working for the side of good during the Grindelwald wars?"
Severus gave Harry a wry grin. "Oh he cared, but not in the way you think. Despite the dark side of what my father's family was, even they were not insane enough to want to side against Albus Dumbledore. My family has always done that though, takes the easy way out so to speak. They side with whoever will benefit them most, and clearly in that case, Albus was going to be the victor."
"So they switched sides....just like you did," Harry said.
Severus gave Harry a strange look before responding to him. "No they didn't 'switch' sides, they waited until they could figure out who was going to win. As far as what I did, that was for very different reasons that I'll explain. However, that's not where it first started. It started like I was saying, here at Hogwarts. And it started oddly enough because of a potions assignment."
"Our professor back then, a man by the name of Baulder, was exactly what a Slytherin could be. Cunning, sly, ambitious and had the personality of ice cubes to put in mildly. Because I mistakenly showed my potions skills early on, he was I suppose a bit jealous that a mere child could best him in his own field. From I think my 1st year on Baulder made my life more miserable then it all ready was. If that was even possible."
"No offense professor but.....sounds a lot like you and me..." Harry said quietly.
Severus chuckled slightly and nodded. "Yes it does, doesn't it. I suppose in a lot of ways the man rubbed off that skill on me somehow, unintentionally mind you, but he did. Back then however he and I would go rounds with each other, and I found myself more in detentions than out of them. Because of it, among other things, I became very bitter and angry...and even more alone then I thought possible. I hated everyone and everything round me. Including myself. But then one day...all that changed...." he said and he glanced towards Remus a moment.
"What happened?" Harry asked.
"Baulder in his usual way did something he knew I would positively hate. We came back from Yule holidays 6th year and he suddenly decided to assign us all lab 'partners'. While the Gryffindors got paired together, and the Slytherin's the same, I and another student that Baulder had taken dislike to instantly for some reason, were singled out to work together."
"That doesn't sound so bad though," Harry said.
"It is when one is a Gryffindor and the other is a Slytherin," Remus said with a chuckle, cutting into the conversation now.
Severus nodded. "Exactly. Baulder hated Lupin as much as he hated me. He thought by pairing us together it was a sick sort of 'payback' to us both for just existing."
"That didn't exactly end up that way though now did it," Sirius said muttering.
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "No it certainly didn't. You see Harry, because of what I am I had spent most of my childhood as you know alone. That left me basically few options before I got to Hogwarts, but a lot of time to read and that was probably one of the only things that kept me sane before coming here. Werewolves by nature are dark creatures, and because my parents were a bit afraid of me, they did whatever I asked of them. Even taking me to Knockturn Alley to buy books I couldn't get elsewhere."
"Knockturn Alley? You Remus?" Harry asked surprised.
Remus nodded. "It was the only place to get what I wanted. Even from a young age I knew what I had become, and I need to know everything I could. I found very little of course, back then as now there is almost nothing on the 'truth' of what a werewolf is. However I found other interests as well....the dark arts. Being a 'dark creature' I found I had natural 'talent' or 'affinity' as it were with the dark side, so I began to teach myself."
"By the time I was partnered with Lupin for the assignment he'd learned quite a bit actually, and that's what ended up making the assignment quite interesting actually. Not that either of us would ever admit nor show any friendship outside of the unused classroom we'd found to study our assignments. But inside that classroom enemies turned into friends....." Severus said glancing at Remus questioningly.
Remus nodded slightly back and said softly, "And eventually....much more..."
Harry glanced from Remus to Severus and back to Remus, surprise and suspicions in his emerald eyes. "You mean....you and him....were...."
"Lovers yes. Though 'love' at first had little do with it. It was more a need on both our parts. Despite the closeness of James, Peter and Sirius....I was still very much alone in what I was. They protected me, cared for me....became animagus for me...but they could never really fill the needs that I had. Severus could however...and did," Remus said softly.
"So...I mean...how did you....know?" Harry asked.
"We just did. Neither of us had ever been with anyone at that point, we didn't even know we were interested in each other. One day late at night, that's when we would meet up in the classroom, we were waiting for one of our potions to cool down. Remus transfigured a nice sized sofa to sit on, I was always horrid at transfigurations or anything really needing a wand, and we were discussing things," Severus said.
"We hit a bit of a lull in the conversation and I began to fall asleep. The full moon had only been the night before so I was still a bit tired, though Severus didn't know why yet. I guess I did nod off for a few when I felt him shake me to wake me up, and when I opened my eyes he was kneeling by the sofa practically inches from me. I still don't know what made me do it but...I leaned over still half asleep really...and kissed him," Remus said blushing a bit.
"Whoa, you kissed him first?" Harry said.
Remus grinned and nodded. "I did. I think we both were in shock really but somehow...it felt right. I mean it wasn't one of those classic 'story book' snogs you read bout no, more of an understanding. I pulled away in shame turned away from him embarrassed. I didn't even say anything to him, I couldn't I was too numb for what I'd just done. I was getting ready to leave figuring he'd not want to even look at me when..."
"When I knew that I couldn't let him go. That I needed him in a strange way to be complete. I pulled him back from leaving....and right into my arms...and well after that...let's just say the rest of the school term went all too quickly," Severus said gazing at Remus tenderly.
"And no one knew? I mean how'd you hide it?" Harry said.
"No, no one knew. It wasn't easy believe me, and we both regret we didn't be more open and honest with each other from the start. It would have saved us both quite a bit in the end. By day we were enemies, but at night...." Remus said softly.
"Until I found out that was. It was our final year at school and I had woken up one night when Remus was just slipping out of the dorm and decided to follow him wondering what he was up to. Found out the hard way exactly what he was up to though and I was beyond livid," Sirius said.
"Jealous was more like it Black if I recall," Severus said with half a scowl.
"Jealous of what Sirius?" Harry asked.
"Of them....well...of Remus. I...." Sirius began but couldn't seem to go one.
"Oh go on Sirius tell him. Believe me on this, he needs to hear it from you," Remus said urging his friend on.
Sirius sighed. "I was jealous Harry because...because I loved Remy. I had loved him since I don't know forever I guess, when I realised what love was. I wanted him for myself."
Harry looked at his godfather a mixed amount of shock and surprise on his face. "Y-you....your...but....I thought....I mean you...always...the woman you dated..."
"He certainly did date his share back then, but we all knew it was a cover up because of how much he loved Remy. The only one that was clueless about it all was Remus himself," Lily said stepping into the conversation now from her spot on the wall.
"Well sorry but I did have other things on my mind then checking to see that one of my best friends was in love me Lils," Remus said muttering.
"And would oh...shagging Severus have been one of them?" Lily said amused.
"Lily! Honestly!" Remus said in a huff. "You see Harry? Sometimes woman just are not the way to go, especially the redheaded green eyed ones!"
Lily laughed and wagged her finger at Remus. "Oh come off in Remy if it wasn't for we women as you put it, you wouldn't be here now, would you."
"An unfortunate oversight that is correctable these days by potions and spells Lils," Severus said with a grin. "However don't you dare tell my mother I said that Lily Evans Potter," he said mockingly.
Lily rolled her eyes at him. "Believe me it's nothing she probably doesn't all ready know Sev. After all she didn't fuss when you introduced her to Remus and Sirius after the three of you...err...forget I said that...never mind...." Lily said suddenly finding something interesting to look at on the opposite side of the room.
"Wait, what does mum mean by that?" Harry asked turned back to Severus now.
"Well, err....that is...err..." Severus stammered for once at a loss for words.
"Oh bloody hell Severus at this point does it really matter?" Sirius said scowling. "What he's trying to say is..."
"That we were discussing the past at the moment Padfoot. Not the present. Certain things can wait," Remus said shoving an elbow into Sirius's ribs.
"Owww! Merlin Moony watch it! You know you get stronger when the moon's getting full," Sirius grumbled and rubbed his ribs.
"To continue this..." Severus said giving Sirius a strange glance. "Black's jealousy in the end drove us apart. As you have all ready heard about the incident in the willow that day I'll skip the details. I felt my heart break after that, I felt betrayed that as close as Remus and I were he couldn't have even told me what he was, and because of that I didn't want to see nor speak to him again. I was too hurt."
Remus sighed. "It was my own fault. I should have told you Severus but, I was too afraid. You were the last person I wanted to hurt."
"I know that now Remus, and I think of all those years wasted trying to hate you for something you couldn't help. Even the years I spent hating you Sirius because of that. I know now you couldn't help being jealous...if it was me gods know I would have been...if I found out someone was stealing away the person I loved...." Severus said softly.
"However, because of what happened I threw myself into my potions, and well...when Lucius approached me to join up with Voldemort after graduation...I accepted it. I thought it was the one way I could forget Remus, forget that I still in my heart ached for him, needed him. And for years I let myself fall down into the worst places a man can possibly go because of it," Severus said quietly.
"But...you came back. You didn't stay like that..." Harry said.
"No, I have Lily to thank for that actually," Severus said.
"Mum? What did she do?" Harry said puzzled.
"Lily? Do you want him to know?" Severus said turning back towards the portrait of Lily.
Lily nodded. "Yes, he should. If he's going to understand why it all happened, he needs to know Sev," she said quietly and gave Harry almost sad gaze.
Severus nodded to her and turned back to Harry. "Very well then...." Severus said slowly as if he had to really think of what he was going to say. "It wasn't long after I had started teaching here as Potions Professor when....when Lily came to see me. She somehow had found out what I was...a deatheater....and...."
"If you can't go on professor..." Harry began but was cut off.
"No, I have to tell you." he said swallowing deeply. Closing his eyes for a moment he said, "I was the one responsible for the attack that killed her parents Harry. You're grandparents...are dead...because of me."
Harry looked at Severus agast. "W-what? Y-you...you...k-killed my...my grandparents?"
"Believe me when I tell you this...I didn't know who they were. We were only told where to apparate to, what house on what street, nothing more. Muggles and muggle borns to attack with no names....I swear to you I didn't know. A neighbour of Lily's spotted me however coming out of the house....my mask had fallen off somehow and the woman...saw me. She told Lily in secret....and Lily came to see me here at school," Severus said.
"When Lily got here...she almost tore me apart. Your mother by Merlin, she had a temper as fiery as a boiling cauldron if not more so. I thought she would kill me, I really did so....I put a body bind on her to try and calm her down. That only made her more angry of course, I could see it in her eyes even through the bind," Severus said.
"You....put my mum...in a body bind? She had every right to be angry with you though, you should have let her kill you!" Harry said angrily.
"Yes, I should have most likely. It would have ended the hell that I was in, and honestly I wish I had," Severus said. "I actually thought about letting her for a few moments after I bound her, thought about releasing her and letting her do whatever she wanted to get her revenge. I knew any apology I could make would fall on deaf ears, so I didn't even bother trying."
"Why would you even be sorry? You were a deatheater, they don't have emotions, they can't feel sorry for what they do," Harry said glaring at Severus now.
"You're right Harry, deatheaters for the most part have any emotions in them destroyed. I was no exception until the moment I had found out that it was Lily's parents I'd help kill. You could say that a part of me died that day too when she told me, and the past came back to haunt me. She brought me back to the time before all of that, when I was still happy with Remus...and this was the wife of Remus's best friend. And I couldn't forgive myself for doing what I had because of that."
"Up until that moment I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, to be needed and loved. I remember I kneeled in front of Lily, tears in my eyes begging her forgiveness. She hadn't know bout Remus and myself, Sirius and James had hid it from her, so I told her the truth. How much I still ached for him, how much I missed him. How I hated what I was and what I was doing. How it made me sick inside, and that I was tired of it all. And when I was done, I did the only thing I could do...I released her from the bind and asked her to kill me," Severus said quietly.
"You...you really asked my mum to kill you?" Harry said surprised now.
Severus nodded. "I begged her even, I sat there kneeling on the ground begging her to end it for me. I didn't care what she would do, just as long as it would end. But she wouldn't do it...she couldn't do it she told me. To kill me wouldn't bring back her parents, wouldn't make anything right. She kneeled in front of me and wiped my tears telling me that there had to be another way, any other way and if I truly wanted redemption I had to find that way."
"So that's why you switched sides then?" Harry asked.
Severus nodded. "Yes, that's exactly why. I didn't know what to do, I was afraid, alone...but someone very wise seemed to know my struggle. He came to me one night and told me that if I wanted to talk...about anything that might be bothering me...he would listen. Before he even left my room I had told him everything...about Remus and myself, about being a deatheater, about what I had done to Lily's parents. And in the end...he didn't condemn me for it, he offered me a way out and I accepted it gladly and gratefully."
"You're talking about Professor Dumbledore aren't you," Harry said quietly.
"Yes. He isn't just the most powerful wizard in the world Harry...but the wisest and kindest wizard I've ever known. He could have expelled me from my position, turned me in to the ministry...anything. But he didn't, he saved me and what was left of my soul. As I had once been sent to spy on him, now I was his spy and I was more than willing to do whatever he wanted."
"Something happened though didn't it....I can almost tell..." Harry said slowly.
Severus nodded. "Something very bad Harry, worse than anything any of us could have imagined. And it's the very reason in which you're here right now talking to us. Because what happened that night almost 18 years ago....no one could have stopped....not me, not Lily, not even Albus. And if there had been any other way believe me Harry....we would have done it..."
"What was it?" Harry said in a whisper.
Severus gave Harry a look of pure tortured agony before responding. "Lucius began to suspect my loyalties might have been waning. He told Voldemort who in turn called me to him. I still had a role to play, a game in which was too important to back out of. I had to...accept...the...the task assigned to me. When I found what it was...I..."
Remus got up and went over to Severus and put a hand on his arm. "You don't have to do this Sev....he might be better off not knowing," he said quietly.
Severus shook his head and put his hand on Remus's. "I have to do this Remus. I've taken the easy way out since, I've been running from the past far too long," he said softly and turned back to Harry and gave a long deep sigh. "the task I was assigned Harry....was to...to take your mother to Lucius. Not to kill her, for some reason I never understood Voldemort didn't want her dead, but it was a plot against James in a twisted way."
"A plot for what? What was Malfoy supposed to do with her?" Harry said.
Severus looked at Harry sadly for a moment then continued. "Voldemort wanted James to join him Harry. He wanted the power of a Gryffindor heir under his control, and of course James refused. Voldemort was incensed by the repeated failure to get James to join him, so he did the next thing he could. If he could get Lily....then James might reconsider."
"And how was he planning to do that?" Harry said, a knot of suspicion growing inside him.
Severus sighed. "I was to take Lily to a prearranged place where Lucius was waiting. Once there Lucius would....would have his way with her. She was to be given a potion that would make her think she had done it willingly, giving herself over to Lucius and the dark being her own choice. Then she was to return to James and try to seduce him over to Voldemort's side."
"Didn't you warn her though? Didn't you do anything?" Harry said, his fists clenched in pure agony and anger.
"Of course I did! I did everything I could to try to avoid this from happening, don't you think I wouldn't have? But even after talking to Albus we all, including James and Lily, realised there wasn't anything we could do. If I didn't show up with Lily then both our lives would be forfeited, and they would have killed James anyway."
"NO, there had to be something, anything! How could you have just given her over to Malfoy and Voldemort like that! How could you!" Harry yelled now.
"Harry please, calm down. Let him tell you what happened. You said you wanted to know the truth....please just let him tell you," Sirius said getting up and going over to sit down next to Harry putting his arms round him.
"But mum....couldn't she have..." Harry said in a half choked sob.
Severus shook his head. "Harry in the end Lily did come up with a plan, and it saved us all. Neither of us wanted to do it, but it was the only way to save ourselves without dying on the spot."
"W-what happened? What...what did she do?" Harry said, tears streaking down his face.
"When we got to the meeting place Lily played the biggest role of her life. She fought Lucius like hell, as was expected, but in the end she 'pretended' to give in. However....she surprised him considerably. Lucius always was a big talker and I knew that, he liked to play with his 'conquests', telling them what he was going to do with them. Lily reacted by instead of being disgusted, she 'pretended' to get....err...well...turned on by it," Severus said looking away with a slight red tinge in his cheeks.
"She...mum...she didn't....tell me she didn't...." Harry said slowly.
Severus shook his head. "Lily's pretense seemed to put Lucius at odds, something I had expected. I knew no one had ever stood up to him that way, Lucius you see doesn't like his women pliable and agreeable. Lily's pretense in turn disgusted him and he no longer wanted her."
"So he let her go then? Without any problems?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Merlin Harry I wish he had, but it wasn't that easy. We both hoped he would have just let her go but...even though Lucius didn't want her, he still knew his duties to his master, the plan still had to go through. Even if it wasn't him that would take her, someone had to. There were five of us there that day, Lucius, Crabbe, Goyle, McNair and...myself. Crabbe, Goyle and McNair, gods they were brutal with their women, I knew that. To let them touch her....to know what they would do to her....I....I couldn't let that happen Harry...." Severus said, tears forming in his eyes.
Harry stared at Severus now realization dawning on him. "You....it was you....?"
Severus swallowed and nodded ashamed. "I had to Harry, I'm so sorry. None of them ever knew I was gay, I couldn't tell them. To do so well....I just couldn't. Despite Voldemort wanting all his deatheaters married and producing heirs for him to mould later on, I used my teaching position as a way out. He bought it thankfully. I'd never once in my life been with a woman, with anyone other then Remus....but I knew then and there if it wasn't me, Lily wouldn't stand a chance. She'd have been tortured by the others sexually, emotionally and physically, and I wasn't going to let that happen."
"Did...did my mum....did you...you and her really..." Harry said in a whisper.
Severus nodded. "There was no way not to. We had been order to make sure Lucius did what he was supposed to....meaning....we...were supposed to watch him err....and your mother...so in turn we were now watched..." he said an all out blush on his face now. "When it was over she understood why I had to do what I did. That I stepped in like that and later on she told me that she was grateful I had. If anyone of the others had touched her...she said she wouldn't have been able to deal with it."
"She forgave you? Even though...you did that to her?" Harry said.
"She did, because she knew it was that or death. She wasn't ready to die anymore than I was Harry. In war you have to make some sacrifices, and we both knew that," Severus said slowly.
"Sacrifices? Raping my mum I wouldn't call a 'sacrifice' exactly!" Harry said angry again.
"I wouldn't call it rape Harry, not in the way the word means. If it's any consolation I was...er...gentle with her. Considering I'd never been with a woman in my life I didn't know even what I was doing," Severus said defensively.
"And that was supposed to make it all right? Because you were gentle with her?" Harry said scathingly.
"Would you rather have had her beaten and destroyed by one of the others? We both did the only thing that we could at the time. Even the potion I gave her afterwards was nothing more than a healing potion, not the seducing potion she was supposed to get." Severus said trying to keep himself from losing it.
"Then what? When it backfired? When my father didn't go to Voldemort?" Harry said.
"You want to know? I'll tell you what happened. Voldemort blamed me for it that's what, blamed my 'skills' weren't up to task. I was subjected to the Cruciatus curse over and over again for nearly an hour. When I could no longer lift my head anymore I finally collapsed in blissful darkness, only to be reawakened and subjected to it all over again. Nearly three hours later I was finally allowed to return to the school...broken, beaten by the others, and dazed to the point I didn't know my name." Severus said not angrily, but there was a very strange tone in his voice.
Despite how angry Harry was all of it drained out of him when he heard what Severus had gone through. Knowing what even a few moments of the curse had been like when he himself had been placed under it, he couldn't even imagine how Severus could have felt after all that. For the first time ever in his life he actually felt incredibly sorry for what his professor had suffered.
"I don't...don't really know to say. I guess I should say...thank you though...for...for saving her life like that..." Harry said hesitantly.
"Don't Harry, because that's not all that happened that night. Something else happened....something none of us planned....so you may want to keep those thanks," Severus said quietly. And for the first time since he'd made the decision to tell Harry the truth, he wondered if he was really doing the right thing after all.