Deny Thy Father And Refuse Thy Name Chapter 9: Hiding From The Truth, a harry potter fanfic

~~~~Deny Thy Father And Refuse Thy Name....~~~~

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~~~~Chapter Nine: Hiding From The Truth~~~~

Harry awoke groggy and disoriented, not sure of where he was or what was going on. The world was fuzzy, but then he quickly realised it was due to the lack of his glasses more than anything else. Reaching his hand out automatically towards the right where he knew his dresser was in the dorm room he was surprised to find...nothing. No dresser, no glasses. For a moment he lie where he was confused, then somehow like a sixth sense he reached over to his left, and immediately found what he was looking for.

Putting his glasses on he now got a better look at where he was, and the suspicion from the placement of the dresser was confirmed. He wasn't in his dorm, but in hospital wing, a place that over the past six some years he'd grown to know unfortunately quite well. Now the main question in his mind was simply why he was there. Not to mention why he felt like he'd been on the losing end of a Hungarian Horntail wrestling match.

It took him a few minutes but slowly events started to come back to him. He remembered going to the room in the East Tower with Professor Snape, Sirius and Remus. He remembered that right before Professor Dumbledore showed up Snape was going to tell him something...something which was important that he suddenly found he wasn't as ready as he thought at the time to hear. Then he remembered being told Malfoy was missing, and summoning the map, and in the end stuffing it into Snape's hands as he fled in fear of that same map.

The last thing he remembered was heading for the Quidditch pitch, and the safety of his spot in the Gryffindor bleachers. Only now he remembered he never did make it there, somewhere along the way by the time he reached the entrance of the bleachers he felt oddly ill, and he remembered now getting sick by the side of the pitch. Something embarrassing enough that he fervently hoped no one would have noticed or at least known it was him. He also remembered after doing that instead of feeling better he had collapsed to the ground feeling worse, then suddenly a pair of strong arms came from nowheres and scooped him up as he descended into a dark blackness.

Another thing he remembered now as well as he lie there in his hospital bed was something he wasn't sure was a dream or reality. He remembered a voice...a strong, soothing, almost caressing voice that had melted his fears and held his senses and mind in security. Blushing a tiny bit he also remembered now having that voice, along with a pair of strong, warm arms holding him, comforting him...and the last of it all were words...haunting words...yet words Harry felt meant more to him than anything else he'd ever heard in his short life.

For at least ten minutes Harry lie there thinking about those words and what they meant to him. Of course people has said they had loved him in the past...Remus, Sirius, even Ron and Hermione in generalised sense. Not one of them though was the love Harry really wanted, was desperate for even. Their love was more an unconditional love, friendship and family type of 'love'. It wasn't the love of the ages...the love of Byron and Homer, the love that would melt his heart and burn in his body. No, for all the 'love' Harry Potter received in his life, not one person had ever come close to offering him that type of love.

With a sigh Harry knew that the type of love he wanted could only come from one source, and that was a source that was as far reaching and unbelievable as possible. It would be wiser to ask for the moon and stars to fall to earth then to ever hope...dream even...that a love like he had for this person could ever be returned. Harry internally groaned as he wondered why on earth of all the people he could have fallen in love with, it would have to be the one person he'd have absolutely no chance at all with.

Yet...the loving tones of the whispery voice in his mind now made him wonder who it was that seemed to have that type of love for him. Why it had felt so right to hear the words from the unseen stranger, and why it had felt so right to be lying in a pair of arms that made him feel so content. It had though, that much Harry knew, it had felt so right that for a moment Harry imagined the voice and those arms round him again as they caressed him, clinging to him in the embrace they had...and for a few moments he imagined that all of that belonged to the person he wished for so badly. But as the phrase goes 'If wishes were horses even beggars could ride', and right just then Harry sighed deeply knowing that even Ron would be riding that horse before he would get his wish.

A rustle of noise broke Harry from his thoughts as he saw the bed curtain move, and seconds later Madam Pomfrey peeked through, a huge smile at what she saw. "You're awake finally hmm? Well plenty'll be glad to hear that," she said briskly, putting a hand on Harry's forehead and nodding affirmatively. "Well your fever's gone looks like, good sign. How do you feel?" she asked tentatively.

Harry wasn't sure what was going on but said, "All right...I guess. What happened?" he asked curiously.

Poppy gave him an odd look then clucked her tongue at him. "You've been very ill Harry, and that's not saying enough. To be honest I was worried you weren't going to make it for a whilst there. Just like you though to pull through at the last moment when I've given up hope. You're father is the same way, annoying me to no end when he pulls stunts like this on me," she said in a strange tone of voice, though Harry could tell she wasn't really angry but actually covering up how worried she had really been.

"How...how long have I been...er...ill?" Harry asked.

"Long enough. If you must know however, I'd judge by now from when you disappeared 'till this moment...at least a fortnight," Poppy said figuring the time in her head.

"A fortnight? A whole fortnight?" Harry groaned in frustration. How could he have been down ill for so long! Thinking quickly he had a lot to ask, but Madam Pomfrey wasn't the one he probably should be talking to. "Ron? Hermione?" he thought out-loud now.

"Been here everyday asking 'bout you young man. Sick with worry those two were, especially after you disappeared like you did. Worse when you came back and we found out..." she began but someone cut her off mid-sentence.

"Thank you Poppy, I think I'll take things from here if you don't mind," Albus said coming round the curtain with a smile on his face, his blue eyes twinkling at Harry.

Poppy huffed and shook hear head, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I don't know how you knew he was awake but trust you to do so. Right then I'll just go busy myself with other things, let me know if you need me. I assume if you're here the rest of the herd will arrive none too soon as well, just don't let them upset him will you?" she said giving Albus a haughty look, then making a last check on Harry walked away muttering something bout crazy know-it-all old wizards.

Harry chuckled slightly at her ramblings then when she was gone turned to Albus, questions freely floating in his eyes. "Professor? What did she mean?"

"Now Harry, it is perhaps not the best time to go into all the details of things. As Poppy has said you have been gravely ill the past fortnight, and the questions will still be there to be answered when you're more up to things," Albus said gently.

"Can you at least tell me why I was so ill?" Harry asked curiously.

Albus debated a moment then nodded his head slight, and sat down on the bed next to Harry gently. "Well Harry, what I can tell you is that somehow you managed to be given something that caused your illness. Through no fault of your own of course, and the err..situation has been taken care of. I want you to know that you're perfectly safe now, and that extra precautions have been taken for the future of your safety."

"It was Voldemort wasn't it..." Harry said slowly in a low voice, his gaze dropping down to stare into his lap.

Albus chuckled slightly and picked Harry's chin up in his hand, gazing into Harry's eyes. "Who and why is of no consequence at the moment. That you've been brought back to us safe and sound is enough at the moment, anything else can and will wait until the proper time young man," he said in a firm tone of voice.

Harry couldn't refuse to comply with those words, even though they both knew there was a slew of questions going to come later on. Nodding his head he gave in to the request, and lay back down against the pillows with a sigh. Suddenly Madam Pomfrey's words earlier came floating back at him and his head swam from the implications...not so much of what she said but in the tense of how it was said. Focusing his gaze on Albus he said in a curious voice, "Why did Madam Pomfrey talk 'bout my father as if he was still here? Did he also get ill as bad as this ever?"

Albus gave Harry an odd look, then smiled. "Ah, your...father...has...err...had...quite an interesting habit of ah...landing himself in hospital wing...to Poppy's annoyance I might add. I do however remember a few...times...in which he was very ill, yes. He always managed to recover though just when we'd almost lost hope, just as you have done. That is a story for another time though, not now," Albus said kindly and glanced at something off to the side. "Are you up for some company do you think?"

Harry sat up quickly and almost beamed at the thought of seeing perhaps Ron, Hermione or maybe even Sirius or Remus. He was more than surprised however when he saw exactly who it was that was coming round the curtain hesitantly. Green eyes met coal black eyes, one holding the expression of curiousness, the other holding an expression of almost fear and anguish. Neither Harry nor the other person even heard nor noticed as Albus got up from the bed and slipped away quietly, his blue eyes fringed with worry at what he knew was going to take place now.

How long the two of them stared at each other they weren't sure, but it was Harry in the end who broke the gaze. He stared down instead at his hands which he hadn't realised were clasped together in a tight ball on his lap. A billion questions ran through his mind and he wondered where to even begin asking them. Finally he looked back up at the person and in a small hesitant voice said, "Professor Snape?"

For the first time in over six years that Harry had known this man he saw emotions begin to flood into those coal black eyes. Not the harsh, cold, calculating, leery gaze of a man who was unreachable, but a soft, warm glow of relief was now in those eyes. Harry's breath caught in his throat as he watched years of anger and hatred for him melt away and it was almost as if a stranger was standing before him rather then the professor who had made his life so miserable for so long.

A hint of a smile played at Severus's lips as he saw Harry's reaction, and in a soft voice so as not to scare him off too much he said, "Hello Harry. I see you're ah...feeling better now?"

Harry nodded slowly, unsure of anything anymore. Wearily he said, "Yes, thanks...but...why would it bother you if I was? You never cared before..."

Severus gave Harry a strange look, then sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair nervously. He'd expected a reaction like that actually considering the way he'd treated Harry all these years. Glancing round a moment he saw a chair off to the side of the bed and pulled it over next to Harry and sat down, wondering himself what to do next. "You're right, I have made it appear as if I haven't cared all these years," he said finally.

"I don't understand Professor. Are you saying you don't hate me?" Harry asked confused again.

"It's very complicated Harry, all of it. In a nutshell though, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying," Severus said slowly.

Harry blinked to clear his thoughts the only problem was things were yet again flooding in that made him think even harder on all this. The night he'd oddly disappeared...the present rather then past tense in which Pomfrey and even Dumbledore had spoken in...the way Snape was calling him 'Harry' and not 'Potter'. Then of course there was something else that was even more of a proof then any of it, something that even Harry couldn't deny as real.

Looking up he stared deep into Severus's eyes and said in a strangely calm and quiet voice, "He...he wasn't...my father...was he..."

The sadness that came over Severus's eyes now was unmistakable, and slowly he shook his head and gave a long deep sigh. "No, he wasn't. I'm sorry that under the circumstances you have to learn it this way. I'm sorry for what I did to your mother, that I was such a horribly rotten person for allowing it to happen..." he began, but Harry cut him off.

"Stop, just stop it will you?" Harry said tensely. "You saved my mum's life, even if it was only for a short time. It wasn't your fault what happened to her, I'm not going to hold a grudge against you for that. I am angry though...because you...all of you...lied to me all this time," Harry did say angrily now.

"You don't know all of it Harry, we had no choice..." Severus began again, yet again was cut off.

"No choice? Bullocks you had no choice! For ten years I lived in hell before I came here, and still do every summer. I believed that my parents loved me, that they died loving me, that at some point in my life someone had actually cared enough to hold me and keep me safe. Then after I came here and found out how peachy wonderful my 'parents' were...now you tell me it was all a lie!" Harry said in a tight voice.

"Please...listen to me Harry...we didn't have a choice, honestly. Sending you to the muggles was all we could do, believe me I didn't want to. But what could I possibly have done to prevent it?" Severus said in a half choked voice.

"Anything...everything...I don't care! You could have told me the truth at least when I got here six years ago instead of waiting till now at any rate. You didn't have to pretend to hate me so much...you could have told me...you could have told me!" Harry cried out now then pulled himself into a tight ball with a sob, tears streaking down his cheeks.

Severus didn't know quite what to do next, he'd never been the 'fatherly' type, and though he was different in private, only Remus and Sirius had ever seen him without his facadés and masks. Well Albus of course too but not in the same way as Remus and Sirius had. He never had to comfort a child though, but somehow suddenly instincts kicked in and getting up from the chair he sat down next to Harry on the bed and pulled him into a tight embrace, holding him there whilst Harry's tears continued.

"Oh Harry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," he said quietly. "I wanted to tell you sooner, believe me I did. When I first saw you all those years ago looking so much like James though...I thought...I thought maybe Lily had been wrong. That James really was your father and not myself...but then Lily had been so sure back then. James himself even acknowledged it so how could she be wrong..." Severus said in a pained voice.

Harry sniffled and wiped his tears away, his anger spent for the moment, then looked up at Severus strangely. "Why? Why do I look like him and not you then? And what makes you so sure I'm not James's son after all?"

Severus looked down at Harry oddly for a moment, then a slight grin came on his lips. "Have you looked in a mirror lately Harry at all? You do look a bit like me now, whether or not you want to. Seems Lily used a clouding charm to change your appearance early on...she was always good at charms you know. Something must have begun to break it down over this summer, though I don't know exactly what yet. But...despite that, and the way you've been acting...so much like me too...I've actually been 100% positive of the fact you are my son since your first year," he said.

"Since...first...year? How?" Harry asked surprised.

"Do you remember back in your first year that I had your class make a particular potion called the Paternalus Potion? If you recall I never actually gave the results back to anyone, just the grades. Nor have I ever nor will ever assign that potion to any of my other classes again. I only did it that one time because I myself had to be sure," Severus said quietly.

Harry tried to think back that far then nodded as he remembered that particular day. "Oh yeah, if I remember you barely let me pass my mark for it too," he said almost accusingly.

Severus chuckled and shook his head amusedly. "I had to in order to throw off any suspicions, especially from Granger. She is far too clever that girl is, and I knew if I were to give you of all people a higher mark it would have looked worse. Nor could I risk giving back the reports when I found out positively you were my son and not James's. That's why I worked so hard to save you from Quirrel, and still try to save you when I can without suspicions being raised."

"Is that the reason you didn't take me from the beginning when my pa--mum and James died?" Harry asked suddenly.

Severus sighed and nodded. "There's something I need to tell you about what happened that night with Voldemort. You see, I was the one who found out there was a traitor amongst the marauders. I wasn't sure who it was since the person never showed themselves...but I knew there was one. I went straight to Albus, Lily and James telling them what I knew. Albus was the one who came up with the idea for the Fidelius Charm, and between myself, Lily and James we started protecting the house...and most of all...you."

"Why?" Harry asked in surprise.

"You see...since we weren't sure who the spy was we had to be careful. Sirius, Pettigrew and Remus only knew that it was possible that you weren't James's son but mine instead, and with that information in Voldemort's hands it could prove fatal to all of us. Since I wasn't sure who the spy was, and what information was being passed down, Albus, James, Lily and myself felt you needed the most protection. Voldemort found out though, Pettigrew that slimy rat did tell him in the end and with that in mind...it's not that he wanted you dead back then Harry...he just wanted you," Severus said slowly, shuddering at some buried memory of those days.

"Me?" Harry squeaked. "Why on earth would he want...me?"

"If it was true that you were my son then you were a future death eater in the making, and that's not all there was to it I'm afraid. He also knew a little known secret about your mother, one that only a few people alive know. With that secret in hand, combined with the dark arts of the Snape bloodline...well let's just say it was something he wanted...and would do anything to get his hands on," Severus said darkly.

"What was wrong with my mum?" Harry asked curiously.

"Nothing was 'wrong' with her persay...other then the fact that...that she had was also an heir...a Slytherin heir Harry...just like Voldemort," Severus said softly.

Harry tensed and gazed in shock at Severus, not sure he was believing what he was hearing. "My...my mum was...an...heir? How? Why...why didn't anyone tell me?" he said dazed.

Severus sighed deeply. "Would it have made any difference if you had known Harry? It was better you didn't know actually, for a lot of reasons. When you were to be sorted for half a moment I thought for sure you'd end up in Slytherin, but just like Lily you proved just how obstinate you can be," he said now with a slight grin.

"Was she very stubborn? And I should tell you...the hat almost did put me in Slytherin...now it makes sense why," Harry said with a slight sigh.

"She was stubborn amongst other things yes, and I didn't know that about your sorting. I'm glad it didn't put you in Slytherin though, because it only made it easier for me to pretend to hate you all these years. Not that I wanted to mind you...when I saw you for the first time in ten years I remembered the tiny little baby I used to hold on my lap at Godric's Hollow. How I wanted those days back, but after so many years there was still too much at stake," Severus said quietly.

"Why did you let them take me away though? Why didn't you take me...or Sirius or Remus? Why does Pomfrey know that I'm your son? Does everyone but me know this?" Harry shot out in a rush.

Severus chuckled and shook his head putting his hands up in defence. "Whoa now, one at a time. I didn't want Albus to send you to Petunia, gods know that if I had been sent to kill that woman and that fat balding excuse of a husband I would have done so without hesitation, and gladly. I couldn't take you though, even if Voldemort was apparently gone. As a known death eater, and a professor here, I was in no position to have the 'famous Harry Potter' in my hands. As for Sirius and Remus...well you know what happened with Sirius, I don't need to explain that part. Remus however being a werewolf wasn't in any better shape then I was to raise a child. The ministry would never have allowed a werewolf to take you and raise you. Since only a few knew of your real lineage my hands were tied. The Dursleys by rights were your only 'known' family, so that's why you had to go there."

Harry sighed and nodded his head sadly. "I guess I can understand that. What 'bout the rest of it though? Why am I changing now of all times too and not before now?" Harry added thoughtfully.

"As for the rest...Poppy knows your my son but none of the others do. Not even Minerva knows the truth. Why Poppy knows is err...well..." Severus said coughing slightly for a moment and oddly enough turned slightly red. "well you see...I needed her help on the err...Paternalus Potion results."

Harry looked at Severus in surprise, then a grin came to his face. "You needed help in a potion? Why does that sound just so wrong?" he said with a chuckle.

"Laugh whilst you can young man because it's rare that it happens," Severus said mockingly. "However at the time yes, I did need her help. I have to admit that you were all very good in making your potions...but frankly I was at a loss in how to 'read' the results. I needed a mediwitch for that part, something I hadn't counted on when I made my plans to do the potion. So I approached her and without trying to say why, asked for her help in it. Like Granger though Poppy's a clever witch, and she figured it out almost instantly."

"That's the second time you've actually admitted Hermione's not just a know-it-all. Maybe there is hope for you yet professor," Harry joked.

Severus chuckled and shook his head in dismay. "I must be losing my touch then if I can say that. You don't have to worry bout Poppy though, she's sworn to secrecy, or I'll hope so at least. As to why now you're changing I really have no clue. The charm Lily put on you should have lasted until either she herself removed it, or until you yourself had reason to remove it. Since you had no clue as to all of this until now, I can't honestly figure out why it would break down," he said thoughtfully. "I suppose that's a question for Albus since I am dreadfully awful at charms myself. Despite what everything thinks of my passion for dark arts...potions is my life Harry and I wouldn't trade it for the world. And besides, Remus makes a far better teacher of that then I ever would."

"What exactly is going on between you two anyway? And what does Sirius have to do with it?" Harry asked curiously.

"Oh...er...that...yes...well...ah...perhaps that's best left for another time..." Severus began but a familiar voice cut him off.

"Or perhaps we could tell him now and get it over with Severus, considering you've pretty much come clean on most everything else hmm?" Remus said stepping in from round the curtain, a hesitant look on his face. Seeing Severus sitting on the bed with Harry however he broke into a smile. Glancing back over his shoulder now he said, "Well? You going to come in or sit there with your tongue hanging out? Honestly!"

Harry laughed as he realised who it was Remus was talking to and moments later shot off the bed into his godfathers now human arms. "Sirius!" he said happily and hugged him tightly. Even though he'd just seen Sirius a fortnight ago he felt like he hadn't seen his godfather in ages, and right now he was just the person he needed to see.

"Oi! Hey there kiddo! Ooofff...not so tight eh? Man's gotta breath you know!" Sirius said hugging Harry back nearly just as tight and holding him for a moment. "So...guess now you ahh...well...you know...know that is..." he said shuffling his foot against the flagstones as Harry sat back down next to Severus on the bed.

Harry nodded though his smile didn't wane a bit. "Yeah...he told me everything...well...most of everything...I think. I still have soooo many questions though, I don't even know where to begin," Harry said sighing for a moment at the complexity of all that this day had brought him.

"That's perfectly understandable Harry considering things. I know it's not going to be easy...but if anyone can handle it, it's you. Just like Lils your a tough fighter, and I know in the end it'll be worth it," Remus said softly and sat down in the chair Severus had been in recently.

"Are you sure you really want to know what is going on between us though Harry? It may be a bit much at the moment on top of everything else..." Severus said giving Harry a strange glance.

Harry thought it over then nodded in affirmation. "I don't think this day could get any weirder actually. So whatever it is you have to say...well...I suppose it'll just fit right in with the rest of it eh?" he said with a shaky chuckle.

"Well then...Remus? Perhaps you would do the honours?" Severus said giving Remus a knowing look.

Remus looked at Severus intensely for a moment, then nodded slightly. Turning to Sirius he in turned received a slight nod of approval from him, then turned back to face Harry. Choosing his words carefully he began, "Well you see...it all started back in our 7th year of school...."

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