Could It Be Any Harder
A/N. Shortish (I think) songfic I planned during a GCSE mock art exam whilst listening to this song. It's R/H from Ron's POV and, well, you'll see!
I've been meaning to write it for ages and would have forgotten about it had the song not kept popping into my head even when I hadn't been listening to it. Maybe it will leave me alone once I've written this. I also have an idea for 'Adrienne' but I can't be bothered to write it but I might one day. After this, I'm going to concentrate on writing a songfic for a Bowling For Soup song and my other story, The Bookworm Diaries!
Anyway, here we go...
You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time
I should have said something. I knew at the time I should have. We were on the Hogwarts Express for the last time, racing towards our future, our new lives away from Hogwarts. Hermione was leaving for Australia the next day. My Hermione. The Hermione I couldn't live without. She'd been offered a research job that of course she had accepted. Although Harry and I never asked, we wondered if we'd ever see her again. Voldemort was growing stronger, Harry was training to become an Auror and I, I was lost in this new world of responsibility. I was working in the Ministry, that much I knew, but doing what I did not know. But, these days, even a desk job would be dangerous. Whoever was on the Light side would be targeted.
I'd planned to tell her at the station. I had to tell her how I'd felt about her all these years. I might not get another chance. She came towards me, arms outstretched and I froze. As she hugged me I tried to form the thoughts I needed to say. They trickled slowly from my brain to my mouth like water and by the time it was there to say, she'd gone.
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you
Could it be any harder to watch you go, and face what's true
If I only had one more day
I stood by Harry, watching her disappear into the crowd of people. I hadn't done it.
'Three words Ron, all you had to say was three words,' came Harry's voice, intruding the numbness of my brain.
'Yeah "I'm an idiot"' I retorted, trying to make light of the situation.
It was no use. However hard I tried to stop them, the tears came, slowly trickling down my cheeks. I turned from Harry; I hated to show weakness in front of him.
'One more day with her, it's all I need, one more day. All these bloody years and I still need one more day...'
I lie down and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I need
And how I wish I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power.
I started to laugh. The situation was just so ridiculous there was nothing else to do. I was asking for one more day with someone who I'd spent seven years of my life with, just to tell her that I, her fiery-tempered red-haired friend, was madly in love with her.
It was so pathetic what else could I do but laugh?
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you
Could it be any harder to watch you go, and face what's true
If I only had one more day
I tried to deny it to myself at first, especially after the Yule Ball in our fourth year. I tried to ignore the feelings of hatred I acquired for Viktor after learning about his involvement with her. Harry saw it then, I know he did, he saw it before I did. I was so stupid, so blind. And I've paid for it. And I'm going to be paying for it for the rest of my life.
I think I let my self fall completely in love with her in the summer during our fourth and fifth year. Each day without her was like a dagger to the heart and secretly I hoped she hadn't gone to Bulgaria to be with Viktor. Secretly I hoped she'd rather be with a nobody like me than a somebody like him. That she'd rather be with a worm than a god.
I'd jump at the chance
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone
The only time I ever nearly believed we'd be together was the Christmas of our fifth year (A/N. Sorry, but it is the 22nd December!) We were sat alone in the Common Room. I wanted to tell her and I would have told her had my mouth not become so dry. She looked at me as I tried to speak and I froze. Then we were leaning forward, closer and closer...then she was gone.
I've had many sleepless nights thinking about that Christmas. What if she hadn't pulled away? Did she lean in to kiss me or was it all me? Could I possibly have a chance?
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you
Could it be any harder to watch you go, and face what's true
If I only had one more day
Harry and I walked from the station and to the flat we shared. I didn't talk but he understood.
'Go find her'
'No Harry, I can't, perhaps it's better this way.'
'Your wrong.'
'I know.'
Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever
And I wish you didn't go.
I didn't sleep that night. I waited for the ring of our doorbell. I wanted to open the door to find her standing there, I wanted her to tell me she loved me and she couldn't leave without telling me so.
But she didn't come.
Me and Hermione, Hermione and me. Ron and Hermione, Hermione and Ron. It would never be. It could never be. She could never love me the way I loved her. She's gone, gone forever. Next time I see her, if I see her, she'll have a new life. There's no place for me in that life. She'll have forgotten about me, she'll have cut all ties. I'll shout her name across a crowded room and no answer will come. I'd scream until I could scream no more and she'd never answer me.
I'll never hear her voice again
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away.
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any harder...harder...harder
A/N. Oooops, sorry that's rather depressing. I was debating all the way through writing it whether it would end happily or not but, er, apparently not. Btw, this is a one off, I'm not writing anymore, if you want to know what happens you'll have to use your imaginations. I have.
Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, HAPPY WINTER BREAK!
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, Australia or Christmas.