"I'm sorry for my mistakes I never knew I could act so strange
I always wanted to make sense but I never intended to hurt you
With the things I never said, bending forwards and back
Losing myself when I needed me most [...]
I tried the best I could to be kindI'd like your respect, but I'd rather keep mine."
Salamander, by Kaia
JuuOhCho was never a quiet place.
Hisoka had a hard time adapting to the different sounds, people, emotions –and their display –around him. Truth to be told, he wasn't exactly used to it yet. But he had developed a few habits that helped him to live every day without too much trouble. Like walking outside whenever an over-excited person would walk into the building or putting on headphones and listening to distracting music. Anything to escape the unwelcome feelings.
But it wasn't so easy to work in JuuOhCho, even after three years of it, sometimes he felt like an outcast in that place. Tsuzuki was the only person he had really bonded with, the only person he was comfortable around. To his co-workers, superiors, and 'friends' he remained as he had been when he first arrived.
Other people had their problems. Hisoka was very aware of that, and he had no objection to it. He had his own problems. But he didn't like dealing with other people's problems and he didn't like people to try to deal with his. That was, at least, much more complicated than it seemed.
Hisoka was sixteen years old. Aside from his hormones, parental denial, a childlike twenty-six years old bugging him all the time and empathy, age was a problem for him. The adolescent body was extremely weak, so he was lacking where resistance, stamina and strength were concerned. He hated being weak. He hated being the weak part of the duo.
Tsuzuki was a nice guy, but he had two major problems. One, his past and everything that he had done in it that he simply couldn't let go. No matter how cheerful he pretended to be, how much he tried to keep the guilt and sadness at bay, Hisoka could always feel it, and it hurt. Two, Tsuzuki simply didn't need Hisoka. In a pair, there's always the 'head' and the 'hands', but Tsuzuki was both strong and intelligent. He was, yes, a fool sometimes, always in search for food –mostly sweets –pretending never to be serious and all, but that was only half of him. The other half was cold, analitic and severe. No one had ever gotten to see that side of Tsuzuki but himself. Hisoka only knew that it existed because Tsuzuki wanted nothing but the best for him. Wanted to protect him and help him to live through his problems, not let anything or anyone ever hurt him again and Hisoka didn't want to be protected. He was tired of being the 'weak' half, the useless half. Tsuzuki's problems were begining to bother him.
Hisoka breathed in deeply, closing the folder that he had put in front of him three hours ago. Not even half of the paperwork done and it was already five thirty. JuuOhCho was empty, except for a few shinigami who hadn't finished their papers yet, or those just sitting and chatting contently, those emotions were nice to feel. So he just relaxed in the reclining chair and closed his eyes. It was so hot there. He could barely wait till he got home and turned on the air conditioned.
It took him a good ten minutes to open his eyes again. He stared at a picture that lay face-down on his desk. Hisoka didn't need to look at it to know what it was of: Tsuzuki and himself, lost somewhere in Kyoto, where they had been during their last vacation together. Tsuzuki was waving happily at the camera, Watari had taken the picture. Watari was working at the time and they met accidently. Hisoka was looking rather bored in the picture, trying to push Tsuzuki's arms away from his shoulders. Hisoka had liked the picture. For a few days. That's it, then.
He stood up and walked slowly to Tatsumi's office.
Hisoka stared at the closed door for quite a while. It was cruel. One year ago he'd never even think of asking such a thing but, lately, working with Tsuzuki was starting to suffocate him. The changed were easy to notice. Hisoka had never been cheerful like his partner, but he did look healthy. Now, he was begining to look like what he truly was: dead.
Still...
...Tsuzuki had been his partner for three years. Tsuzuki had never really needed him, but he was always there, being friendly, sympathetic, trying to make him smile, even when he never succeeded. And it wasn't like Tsuzuki hadn't noticed the shadows around the boy's eyes, the way his skin was paler than usual, how he always seemed to be tired.
Tired and scared. And uncomfortable.
Hisoka's logic and feelings were waging a silent war inside of his head, and the headphones weren't helping.
He didn't notice when the door was opened and a tall man looked at him in curiosity. "Kurosaki-kun? What are you still doing here? It's six o'clock."
Hisoka shook his head. Six?, he raised an eyebrow, looking at his watch. Six o'clock. PM. Trying not to let his confusion show, he pulled off the headphones and leaned against the doorframe. "Tatsumi-san...can I talk to you for a moment?" then he paused, trying not to cower. I can do it, he assurred himself. "I'd like to ask you something."
Tatsumi hesitated for a moment, looking at the pile of papers that lay on his desk.
"I promise it won't take too long." Hisoka hastily said, noticing the nervous glance. "Just a moment, it's that...Tsuzuki's off doing something and I don't think I'll ever get the chance to say that again and...please?"
"Come in. I'm afraid I don't have much time, though." The secretary said, returning to his desk and placing a chair that was on the corner in front of his. "Sit down."
"Thank you." Hisoka said, sitting down rather uncomfortably.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" Tatsumi urged, looking impatiently at the clock that ticked annoyingly on the wall.
"Maybe I should talk to Konoe-kachou. I guess he's the one that deals with that stuff." Hisoka said, standing up. I can't do this. I can't do this to Tsuzuki.
"Konoe-kachou left half an hour ago." Tatsumi said, arranging his glasses.
The boy sat back down, taking a deep breath. "Tatsumi-san, I..." there was a lump in his throat, his hands shook. For the first time in life, Hisoka understood what it was like to really despair. He wasn't battling an enemy this time. He was abandoning a friend. "...I don't think I can be Tsuzuki's partner anymore." His voice came out in a whisper as he fought to keep it steady, looking at the floor, unable to see what Tatsumi's reaction would be.
Tatsumi raised his eyebrows. The information took a while to sink in and he wondered if Hisoka was joking or just trying to surprise him. The latter had worked perfectly. "And why is that?"
"Because...he can't let go. He can't live the present properly and lets his guard down often. It makes me nervous, I feel all that...that...fear, and guilt, and pain, that he has inside of him and it makes me remember things that I...I wouldn't like to remember." Hisoka said, keeping his head low and his voice barely steady. "He treats me like a child or a highly breakable doll. And I don't know why but when he goes into that paranoia of protecting me he...makes me remember Muraki. And how he liked to be 'oh-so-careful' as if I was going to break under...under..." he stopped, unable to continue because his voice cracked, and he hid his face on his hands to hide away the tears. Perfect. Exactly like I planned: a breakdown.
"Tsuzuki gets a little overprotective at times, I agree. Maybe if, instead of coming to me to talk about him, you actually talked to him, the two of you could find a way to—"
"No, I can't..." Hisoka whispered, his voice muffled by his hands. "I can't talk to him. I mean, what am I supposed to say?"
"That you are not exactly pleased with the way he's been treating you." The secretary said, emotionlessly. "I'm sure he would understand."
"I can't, I just can't, ok?" Hisoka said, wiping away the tears that had trickled down his cheek.
"Then maybe I could talk to him and—"
"No!" the boy stood up, face paler than ever in fear. "Please, don't do that, don't tell him that I asked you that. Please, don't tell him."
"If you don't want me to, I won't." Tatsumi said, assurringly. "But please, think of what you're asking. If that's what you want, we can pair you up with another shinigami. I guess there's no need to say that Tsuzuki's overprotectiveness comes from the affection that he feels for you and that deserting him at this point would leave him rather... sad, to say the least."
"...I know, Tatsumi-san." Hisoka said, bitting the sleeve of his jacket, trying to prevent more tears from coming from his eyes. "It's not that bad. I don't mind his protection. I just wished he'd move on. Forget all those bad feelings in his past and live now, feel now. It's suffocating, knowing that the cheerful person beside you is about to kill himself and you can't help it."
Hisoka left the room feeling more miserable than he had when he first walked in.
That was low, his mind told him, accusingly. That was very low.
"I know. Leave me alone." He whispered to the annoying voice, leaving the building of JuuOhCho and walking sadly among the cherry trees.
You shouldn't have talked to Tatsumi in the first place., it said. Now someone knows that you're leaving a friend when he needs you the most.
"He doesn't need me. He's self-suficient." Hisoka said, angrily.
He is. But are you?
"Of course I—oh, great, now I'm arguing with a voice inside my head." He said, searching in his pockets for the key of his apartment. An old woman was walking out of her apartment when he said that and stared at him curiously. Hisoka blushed, pushing the door open, then closing it behind him. "It's time to call it a day." He breathed, closing his eyes and sinking to the floor.
How long till Tatsumi tells Tsuzuki just what you told him?
"Tatsumi-san said that he wouldn't tell Tsuzuki a thing."
Did you really believe that? Well, let him do it. That wouldn't hurt, would it?
Hisoka opened his eyes, staring at the wall in front of him. A plain, cream-colored wall. No pictures, no nothing. The apartment was as empty as his soul at the moment. Maybe one day he'd put some pictures on the walls and paint them a more cheerful color.
But right now, the apartment was perfect for him.
Desolated. Sad. Abandoned.
*****
It was morning, a bright, summer day.
Tsuzuki didn't have a clue why Tatsumi had called him out for lunch. He also found it strange that Hisoka had called in sick and he wouldn't let Tsuzuki visit him. Deduction lead him to one conclusion. Oh, god. I screwed it up.
"Tatsumi-san...what's really going on? Hisoka is not really sick, is he?" he asked, looking sadly at the untouched piece of pie on the table before him.
"No, he's not." Tatsumi said.
"Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" the situation was begining to bother him. Hisoka was never late, had never called in sick and would never stay home instead of coming to work unless he was nearly 'dead'. Tsuzuki had noticed that the boy had been acting strange around him, but whenever he'd ask what was wrong, Hisoka would just say it was nothing and ignore him. But it wasn't 'nothing'.
"Yes and no."
"What do you mean 'yes and no'?" Tsuzuki asked, leaning forward, nervously.
"Yes, you did do something wrong. And no, you didn't mean to do it." Tatsumi said, calmly.
"What...what did I do?"
"Kurosaki-kun came to talk to me last night." The secretary started, seriously. "He told me that he didn't think that he was capable to be your partner anymore," the expression on Tsuzuki's face was undescribable, but 'despair' was what came closer to it. "but of course, he didn't mean it."
"He...he doesn't want...to be my...partner anymore?"
"I've never said that, Tsuzuki, pay more attention to what I say. He said that he didn't think that he was capable to be your partner anymore, not that he didn't want to. And, fortunately, he told me why. Makes things easier for, if you want to keep him as a partner, you can simply fix these small flaws that he's pointed."
"Of course I want to be his partner! Tell me, what did he say?" Tsuzuki asked, hopefully.
"He is not very content with the way you treat him."
"The way I treat...but I try my best to take care of him, I try not to let him hurt and—"
"And that's exactly what he's complaining about, you won't let him take care of himself. You see, he's a teenager trying to prove himself to the world, trying to make us believe that he is grown up enough to be what he longs so much to be. Independant. And you're treating him like a child and he can't stand it." Tatsumi said, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knee. "That's his first complaint."
Tsuzuki lowered his head. "I didn't mean to...He never told me..." he rubbed his temples, frowning. "That was the first, right? What's the second?"
"That you're 'suffocating him with your feelings', using his words." Tatsumi stared at the man on the other side of the table. "Tsuzuki, have you been thinking of your past recently?"
"Now that you've mentioned it, there are a few things that—" Tsuzuki stopped dead on his tracks. "—god, he can feel it, can't he? That's what's been bothering him, isn't it?" he threw his hands in the air, frustrated. "He won't talk to me, Tatsumi-san! How am I supposed to know that he's going sick because of my feelings?"
"I don't blame you. Kurosaki-kun is a very reserved person. Sometimes it is really impossible to guess what he's thinking or feeling." Tatsumi said.
"What am I going to do now? If I try to fix it I'll probably screw it all up again and end up...without a partner, once more." Tsuzuki smiled, wryly. "I should be used to that, already. But I didn't expect Hisoka to...give up."
"But he hasn't given up yet, Tsuzuki. You can prevent him from giving up, if you're willing to try, of course."
"I am. How?"
"Hisoka is unhappy because he can't help you. Because you can't stop thinking of the past when you're around him. He says it makes him remember that doctor."
Tsuzuki raised an eyebrow. "Muraki?"
"Yes."
He stopped for a moment, wondering why on earth would Hisoka ever compare him to Muraki. Tsuzuki had always wanted to protect him from the sadistic doctor, and would never hurt him... You're hurting him already., he thought, sadly. "Maybe I'm too obsessed with...protecting him. I'm not letting him breathe. Maybe it would be better if... he just stopped being my partner."
"I still don't think that's what he wants. Kurosaki-kun is not used to dealing with people. He is only trying to escape from a situation that he considers uncomfortable. Well, I better go back to JuuOhCho, there's still much work to do." Tatsumi said, looking at his watch. He stood up, politely pushing the chair back under the table. "And I don't know how many people have told you this but your past can't harm you now. Excuse me."
The secretary walked into the crowd and disappeared. Tsuzuki leaned his chin on his hands, thoughtful. Yes, I know. But present does. There was something in the present that could still harm him.
And, for the first time in a long while, Tsuzuki let his serious half take over, and started plotting.
*****
So much for a first chapter. Yes, it was long. But it's a trilogy, and it's hard to fit everything in three chapters.