Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings does not belong to me in any way, shape, or
form. ^.^ Wait, that's not something to be happy about. u.u
Just a Joke
The sun was close to setting as the sun usually does in this area of Middle Earth at 7:43 and 3.5 seconds P.M. A band of travelers that had nothing to do with a marching band or a rock group as the word band might lead you to assume, was climbing over a hill that was four hundred feet above sea level and 500 feet across. They trudged along, and they were tired from their day's journey because they had trudged along all day because they had trudged along all day the day before and the day before that and the day before that, no, wait, that day they had gotten lost while trudging along so they didn't count that because it didn't count.
"There's a nice place to camp for the night over there," Frodo said, gesturing his left hand to a clearing 1757 yards, seven feet, and twenty- three and 7/8 inches away (for those of you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, that's approximately a mile).
"Sounds good to me, Mister Frodo sir," Sam said about to fall over from exhaustion because they had trudged along all day because they trudged along the day before that and so on.
The group consisting of Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli minus Gandalf and Boromir who had both supposedly kicked the ol' rusty orange tin can, set up camp which took 14 minutes and 30.15578349284 seconds which, for those of you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, is approximately a quarter of an hour, and went to sleep ASAP (As soon ass possible). Little did they all know that there was someone gaily hopping through the darkness toward them...
*****
The next morning Frodo woke up to an ear-piercing scream, which he didn't really mind because it was another opportunity for a close up of his pretty eyes.
"What's the matter!?" he cried, drawing all attention to himself as always, but that's okay because we all want to see him.
As Frodo looked around him, he realized the origin of the scream and why. Sam was screaming because his hair was in braids, and even the hair on his feet was in braids.
"Oh, Sam! Who has done this to you?" Frodo cried, flinging himself to his friend's side because all the attention was on Sam now.
"I don't know!" Sam choked out. "I just woke up and-"
Sam had been interrupted by Gimli's sudden roar of anger. "Which one of you little tarts braided my beard?! Tell me, or I'll chop all of you to even littler tarts with my ax!"
"Calm down, Dwarf," said Aragorn whose hair had been corn-rolled. "We'll discover the criminal as soon as I get these damned braids out of my own hair."
"Everything in sight has been braided!" Sam cried, jumping into Frodo's arms. It was true. Everything had been braided: exceptionally hairy arms, hairy feet, hairy heads, hairy toes, hairy knuckles, and hairy necks. Even the grass, the tree branches, the flowers, and so on were braided. Some braids were even braided with other braids.
"WHO DID THIS?!" Gimli bellowed.
Merry, who had been peeing on the bushes for the past twenty-two seconds, came rushing back to his companions with a horrified expression on his hobbity face.
"Merry! What's wrong, Love?" Pippin asked.
Merry gave him a serious look and said, "It's braided down there."
Pippin gasped. "D-down there?"
"Down there," Merry confirmed.
"Down where?" Sam asked, naively.
"The hair down there," Pippin said with a meaningful look.
"The hair down there?"
"The hair down there," Pippin repeated.
"Where is there?"
"Wait 120 half-seconds! Where's Legolas?" Frodo asked.
The victims looked around and saw that Legolas was not there. In fact, he wasn't in a forty foot radius meaning he was somewhere outside the 1600 pi squared area.
"That bloody Elf! I'll have his head!" Gimli blasted as he stomped off in search of the suspect.
Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and our beloved Frodo looked at one another and then trudged along at a quicker pace than they had the day before and the day before that and so on after the Dwarf. They caught up to him easily and they quickly trudged along and unexpectedly found Legolas in a field of primrose beauties (for all you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, a primrose beauty is a kind of flower).
"ELF!" Gimli hollered. "Prepare to do battle!"
Legolas looked up at his companions with a look of pure happiness on his face and his hair in braided pigtails on the sides of his head. Gracefully, he stood up and skipped over to them.
"Dear friend Dwarf," he said, "fighting is not the answer. We must become one with the world and bow down to heaven as we enjoy nature's beauty. Here is a token of my love for you because you are a living being." Then Legolas placed a crown of flowers upon Gimli's head.
"ARGH!" the Dwarf boomed, throwing the crown of yellow flowers off his head and then chopping it to pieces with his ax.
Legolas ignored his rude actions and turned to Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry. "Come with me, my friends, and be gay!"
Merry and Pippin looked like they would accept and join Legolas for a romp through the wild flowers, but Aragorn glared at them and said to the Elf, "Legolas, you are our companion. We need your assistance to destroy the One ring. Come to your senses and put aside this foolishness."
"'Tisn't foolish, darling Aragorn. I see the world in a whole new light! I shall stay here and be merry for eternity!!!"
"Then who will I be?" Merry asked.
Hoping that a good smack would help the prince, Aragorn slapped Legolas across the face, but the Elf merely smiled and cavorted away.
"We have to find out who did this to Legolas!" Frodo wailed. "He's acting queer."
"Hey!" Merry indignantly cried.
"Nothing wrong with gays! We're as normal as anyone else," Pippin defended.
"But Legolas isn't being his normal self. We have to save him," Aragorn interrupted. "There's something that's just not right. Something's out there."
The hobbits looked around.
"Well," said Merry. "I don't see anything."
"I do!" Gimli cried. "Over there!" The group looked in the direction the dwarf was pointing and saw what he saw which was a rustling bush.
Aragorn, Frodo, Gimli, Sam, Merry, and Pippin crept closer to the plant. When a tall, cloaked figure hopped over the bush, Aragorn screamed like a little girl, but Frodo cried, "GANDALF?!"
Indeed it was Gandalf who the group believed to be dead because he fell down into some bottomless pit type thing with a powerful demonic Balrog that could've chewed him up and crapped him out if he had a bottle of heartburn medicine at hand. "Oh, hello, Frodo."
"What the bloody hell are you doing here?!" the Hobbit cried. "We thought you were dead! I was so sad!"
"Sorry to have worried you, but I am fine now," Gandalf said. He began to flash back, but, fortunately, Frodo stole the audience's attention once again.
"I've missed you so much, Gandalf!" he said and hugged him.
"And I have missed you, little Hobbit."
"Wait a damned moment!" barked Gimli, ruining the tear-jerking scene that jerked no tears. "Where have you been all this time?"
"I've been waiting for the scene where I return, but I have nothing to do, so I've taken up the hobby of braiding to pass the time."
"What!?" cried Aragorn. "You mean to say that you're the one who's been braiding everything?!"
Gandalf nodded. "I've gotten really bored waiting."
"Look what you've done to Legolas!" Aragorn shouted. "He's prancing around like a fairy!"
As if on cue, which he most likely was, Legolas skipped up to them, flung flowers at them, and then skipped off.
Wishing that they could follow him, Merry and PIppin looked after the Elf and sighed.
"I suppose the braided pig-tails cause Elves to act differently," Gandalf said.
"Undo his braids! Save him!" Frodo pleaded. Gandalf sighed and with a wave of his magical staff stick thingy, all the braids disappeared, and all the plants and all the hair were normal again.
"Thanks." Frodo smiled.
"I hope none of you are mad at me about not really being dead," Gandalf said. "It wasn't my choice."
"We understand," Aragorn, Frodo, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Gimli said together.
"Plus, your 'death' was another excuse for a close up of my beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, handsome, fair, lovely, charming, comely, elegant, attractive, alarming blue eyes," Frodo told him peering down at his 97 cent Wal-Mart special thesaurus.
Gandalf nodded solemnly. "I must go. I'm not in the story for a while, so I will be trudging along now."
"Okay, Gandalf. We'll try to be surprised when we see you again." Frodo winked, causing several girls to faint on the spot.
Gandalf and the group of travelers went their separate ways and suddenly the screen was black and the credits started which left the audience in a state of confusion.
Author's Note:
This has been up for a while, but I have just now gotten around to fixing it. In this fanfic, I was just poking a little bit of fun at JRR Tolkien's extensive amount of description for nearly everything. I understand that he has to since Middle Earth is a completely different time and place, so he was to give us a very accurate setting. Anyway, I hope you found this funny, and no, I wasn't on anything when I wrote this. ^.^''
The sun was close to setting as the sun usually does in this area of Middle Earth at 7:43 and 3.5 seconds P.M. A band of travelers that had nothing to do with a marching band or a rock group as the word band might lead you to assume, was climbing over a hill that was four hundred feet above sea level and 500 feet across. They trudged along, and they were tired from their day's journey because they had trudged along all day because they had trudged along all day the day before and the day before that and the day before that, no, wait, that day they had gotten lost while trudging along so they didn't count that because it didn't count.
"There's a nice place to camp for the night over there," Frodo said, gesturing his left hand to a clearing 1757 yards, seven feet, and twenty- three and 7/8 inches away (for those of you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, that's approximately a mile).
"Sounds good to me, Mister Frodo sir," Sam said about to fall over from exhaustion because they had trudged along all day because they trudged along the day before that and so on.
The group consisting of Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli minus Gandalf and Boromir who had both supposedly kicked the ol' rusty orange tin can, set up camp which took 14 minutes and 30.15578349284 seconds which, for those of you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, is approximately a quarter of an hour, and went to sleep ASAP (As soon ass possible). Little did they all know that there was someone gaily hopping through the darkness toward them...
*****
The next morning Frodo woke up to an ear-piercing scream, which he didn't really mind because it was another opportunity for a close up of his pretty eyes.
"What's the matter!?" he cried, drawing all attention to himself as always, but that's okay because we all want to see him.
As Frodo looked around him, he realized the origin of the scream and why. Sam was screaming because his hair was in braids, and even the hair on his feet was in braids.
"Oh, Sam! Who has done this to you?" Frodo cried, flinging himself to his friend's side because all the attention was on Sam now.
"I don't know!" Sam choked out. "I just woke up and-"
Sam had been interrupted by Gimli's sudden roar of anger. "Which one of you little tarts braided my beard?! Tell me, or I'll chop all of you to even littler tarts with my ax!"
"Calm down, Dwarf," said Aragorn whose hair had been corn-rolled. "We'll discover the criminal as soon as I get these damned braids out of my own hair."
"Everything in sight has been braided!" Sam cried, jumping into Frodo's arms. It was true. Everything had been braided: exceptionally hairy arms, hairy feet, hairy heads, hairy toes, hairy knuckles, and hairy necks. Even the grass, the tree branches, the flowers, and so on were braided. Some braids were even braided with other braids.
"WHO DID THIS?!" Gimli bellowed.
Merry, who had been peeing on the bushes for the past twenty-two seconds, came rushing back to his companions with a horrified expression on his hobbity face.
"Merry! What's wrong, Love?" Pippin asked.
Merry gave him a serious look and said, "It's braided down there."
Pippin gasped. "D-down there?"
"Down there," Merry confirmed.
"Down where?" Sam asked, naively.
"The hair down there," Pippin said with a meaningful look.
"The hair down there?"
"The hair down there," Pippin repeated.
"Where is there?"
"Wait 120 half-seconds! Where's Legolas?" Frodo asked.
The victims looked around and saw that Legolas was not there. In fact, he wasn't in a forty foot radius meaning he was somewhere outside the 1600 pi squared area.
"That bloody Elf! I'll have his head!" Gimli blasted as he stomped off in search of the suspect.
Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and our beloved Frodo looked at one another and then trudged along at a quicker pace than they had the day before and the day before that and so on after the Dwarf. They caught up to him easily and they quickly trudged along and unexpectedly found Legolas in a field of primrose beauties (for all you who don't feel like figuring that out right now or ever, a primrose beauty is a kind of flower).
"ELF!" Gimli hollered. "Prepare to do battle!"
Legolas looked up at his companions with a look of pure happiness on his face and his hair in braided pigtails on the sides of his head. Gracefully, he stood up and skipped over to them.
"Dear friend Dwarf," he said, "fighting is not the answer. We must become one with the world and bow down to heaven as we enjoy nature's beauty. Here is a token of my love for you because you are a living being." Then Legolas placed a crown of flowers upon Gimli's head.
"ARGH!" the Dwarf boomed, throwing the crown of yellow flowers off his head and then chopping it to pieces with his ax.
Legolas ignored his rude actions and turned to Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry. "Come with me, my friends, and be gay!"
Merry and Pippin looked like they would accept and join Legolas for a romp through the wild flowers, but Aragorn glared at them and said to the Elf, "Legolas, you are our companion. We need your assistance to destroy the One ring. Come to your senses and put aside this foolishness."
"'Tisn't foolish, darling Aragorn. I see the world in a whole new light! I shall stay here and be merry for eternity!!!"
"Then who will I be?" Merry asked.
Hoping that a good smack would help the prince, Aragorn slapped Legolas across the face, but the Elf merely smiled and cavorted away.
"We have to find out who did this to Legolas!" Frodo wailed. "He's acting queer."
"Hey!" Merry indignantly cried.
"Nothing wrong with gays! We're as normal as anyone else," Pippin defended.
"But Legolas isn't being his normal self. We have to save him," Aragorn interrupted. "There's something that's just not right. Something's out there."
The hobbits looked around.
"Well," said Merry. "I don't see anything."
"I do!" Gimli cried. "Over there!" The group looked in the direction the dwarf was pointing and saw what he saw which was a rustling bush.
Aragorn, Frodo, Gimli, Sam, Merry, and Pippin crept closer to the plant. When a tall, cloaked figure hopped over the bush, Aragorn screamed like a little girl, but Frodo cried, "GANDALF?!"
Indeed it was Gandalf who the group believed to be dead because he fell down into some bottomless pit type thing with a powerful demonic Balrog that could've chewed him up and crapped him out if he had a bottle of heartburn medicine at hand. "Oh, hello, Frodo."
"What the bloody hell are you doing here?!" the Hobbit cried. "We thought you were dead! I was so sad!"
"Sorry to have worried you, but I am fine now," Gandalf said. He began to flash back, but, fortunately, Frodo stole the audience's attention once again.
"I've missed you so much, Gandalf!" he said and hugged him.
"And I have missed you, little Hobbit."
"Wait a damned moment!" barked Gimli, ruining the tear-jerking scene that jerked no tears. "Where have you been all this time?"
"I've been waiting for the scene where I return, but I have nothing to do, so I've taken up the hobby of braiding to pass the time."
"What!?" cried Aragorn. "You mean to say that you're the one who's been braiding everything?!"
Gandalf nodded. "I've gotten really bored waiting."
"Look what you've done to Legolas!" Aragorn shouted. "He's prancing around like a fairy!"
As if on cue, which he most likely was, Legolas skipped up to them, flung flowers at them, and then skipped off.
Wishing that they could follow him, Merry and PIppin looked after the Elf and sighed.
"I suppose the braided pig-tails cause Elves to act differently," Gandalf said.
"Undo his braids! Save him!" Frodo pleaded. Gandalf sighed and with a wave of his magical staff stick thingy, all the braids disappeared, and all the plants and all the hair were normal again.
"Thanks." Frodo smiled.
"I hope none of you are mad at me about not really being dead," Gandalf said. "It wasn't my choice."
"We understand," Aragorn, Frodo, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Gimli said together.
"Plus, your 'death' was another excuse for a close up of my beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, handsome, fair, lovely, charming, comely, elegant, attractive, alarming blue eyes," Frodo told him peering down at his 97 cent Wal-Mart special thesaurus.
Gandalf nodded solemnly. "I must go. I'm not in the story for a while, so I will be trudging along now."
"Okay, Gandalf. We'll try to be surprised when we see you again." Frodo winked, causing several girls to faint on the spot.
Gandalf and the group of travelers went their separate ways and suddenly the screen was black and the credits started which left the audience in a state of confusion.
Author's Note:
This has been up for a while, but I have just now gotten around to fixing it. In this fanfic, I was just poking a little bit of fun at JRR Tolkien's extensive amount of description for nearly everything. I understand that he has to since Middle Earth is a completely different time and place, so he was to give us a very accurate setting. Anyway, I hope you found this funny, and no, I wasn't on anything when I wrote this. ^.^''