Disclaimer: Don't own 'em even tho I'd love to.
Note: Sort of a companion to "The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Sirius Black". This time, Snape comes to stay with his three biggest enemies - Harry, Sirius, and Remus! (Or in Snape's words, Potter, Black, and Lupin.)
Note: I have no maps of England, so I just made up Siri and Remmie's address. So sue me. ::pause:: No, wait, don't sue me.
~*~*~*~*~
The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Severus Snape
SATURDAY
Severus Snape pulled his long grey nightshirt over his head, then climbed into bed.
"Blessed relief," he muttered to himself. "I love the summer holidays. No POTTER to deal with...."
He closed his eyes, wanting to forget this horrible day. Just this morning, he had returned from visiting his mother in Ireland to find a stack of 'Daily Prophets' waiting for him. He had been unpleasantly surprised to find out that the murderer, Black, had been proven innocent while Snape had been in Ireland.
Snape had only been lying there for two minutes when he heard a loud noise which sounded as if it had come from his basement. Snape's eyes flew open.
"What was that?" he groused, getting out of bed.
He went downstairs, opened the basement door, and started down the stairs.
*Splash*.
Snape looked down in disbelief. He was standing ankle-deep in water. The basement was flooded! And what was worse, the water was rising at a frightening pace. Snape splashed up the stairs and ran into his kitchen, where he had had a Muggle 'telephone' installed in case of dire emergencies. It took him a few moments to figure out how to work the 'telephone', and another few minutes to look up the number of a Muggle plumber. It took even longer to persuade the man that it was an emergency, but finally Snape succeeded. The plumber arrived, looking annoyed at being roused out of bed at midnight, but his eyes widened when he saw the water steadily gushing into the kitchen from under the basement door.
"Blimey!" the plumber exclaimed an hour later, emerging from the basement, wearing scuba gear. "This will take me at least a week to fix," he said to Snape. "You'd better find yourself someplace to stay while I take care of it!"
Well, a nice thought, but the fact remained that Snape had no friends. Well, he supposed Lucius Malfoy might have asked him to stay, but unfortunately Lucius had taken his wife Narcissa and their son Draco to France for the holidays. So, unable to think of anything else, he sent an owl to Dumbledore, asking for advice.
Dumbledore's owl returned as Snape was packing. Snape opened the letter and read -
-Dear Severus,
I think I have the perfect place for you to stay. Go to 117 Smith Lane in Kent. There you will find a family who will be more than happy to put you up for as long as you need.
Dumbledore -
Snape was surprised that Dumbledore hadn't even mentioned the name of the family, but as he had no other choice, he gathered up his suitcases and Apperated to Kent.
~*~*~*~*~
After only five minutes' walking, Snape came upon 117 Smith Lane. It was designated by a mailbox at the end of a long path; evidently the house was set far back from the road. Snape checked both sides of the mailbox for a name, but there was none. Only the address. Confused, he started up the path.
The house at the end of the path wasn't the spectacular mansion Snape had envisioned. But it was a nice-sized cottage, built American log-cabin style, with a well-tended front garden, and surrounded by a forest. A motorcycle was parked in the driveway. As he drew closer, Snape frowned. That motorcycle looked rather familiar. As he stepped onto the wide front porch (actually part of a veranda which wrapped all the way round the house) and knocked, it hit him. Wasn't that - BLACK's motorcycle?
His worst fears were confirmed. The door was answered by no other than the murderer, Sirius Black.
"Oh. It's you." Sirius grumbled when he saw who was standing at the door. Snape scowled.
"Yes, Black, it's me," he snarled. "Apparently, Dumbledore's given me the wrong address. I'll just be on my way then-"
But before he could move, a cheerful voice said, "No, you're in the right place, Severus!"
Remus Lupin had joined Sirius in the front hall and was beaming at Snape. "Dumbledore owled us this morning," Remus continued. "He said you needed a place to stay while your pipes were being fixed, and asked if we'd mind if you stayed here. I think he wants us to make *peace*," he finished, shooting a glance at Sirius.
Sirius rolled his eyes, grumbled incoherently, and wandered off. Snape sneered after him, then looked back at Lupin. "You expect me to stay with you and Black for a week?"
Remus blushed. "Well - yes," he said hesitantly. "I agree with Dumbledore - we need to make peace in order to be united against Voldemort."
Snape growled. "Very well - but I'm not agreeing to being nice to your *boyfriend*."
Remus' blush deepened and he lowered his eyes. "Fianceé, Severus," he said, so quietly that Snape barely heard him.
Snape's face contorted in disgust, which Remus thankfully didn't see. "You're *marrying* him?"
Remus nodded shyly, and then the last person on Earth whom Snape wanted to see appeared - Harry Potter.
"Professor Snape?!" Harry squeaked, at the same moment Snape snarled, "Potter?!"
"Severus will be staying with us for a short while, Harry," Remus told his step-godson-to-be (or whatever Harry would be to him after he married Sirius).
"He lives here too?" Snape snarled, jerking his head in Harry's direction.
"Of course he does," Sirius said coldly, emerging from what Snape assumed was the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand. "I'm not leaving *my* godson to live with a bunch of Neanderthals."
For a moment, Snape and Sirius stood where they were, eyeing each other with utmost loathing. Harry and Remus glanced back and forth between the two warily, then Remus suggested, "Why don't I show you your room, Severus?"
"Very well," Snape said curtly, and followed Remus down the hall, ignoring Harry and Sirius (who was looking absurdly superior over winning their staring contest).
Snape put down his suitcases and glared round the small, sunny guest room. "I think I'd like to take a nap, Lupin," he said icily. "Long night, you know."
"Certainly, Severus," Remus said politely, and left.
~*~*~*~*~
Sirius and Harry were in the living room when Remus returned. Harry was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, and Sirius was leaning against the couch, curling his lip in a very dog-like way.
"Why do we have to have *him* here, Remmie?" Sirius demanded as Remus entered the room. "It's not like I can stand the guy."
Remus gave him a firm look. "Dumbledore wants it, and he usually knows what's good for everyone. You want to do as he asks, don't you?"
"I suppose," grumbled Sirius. "But I really, truly hate him." Harry noticed that his godfather made no attempt to lower his voice.
"It's only for a week, love," Remus said sweetly, leaning up and touching his nose to Sirius'.
Harry blushed, getting up. This looked like one of those times when he'd rather not be in the room. "Uh, I'm gonna go eat," he said to Sirius and Remus, then ducked into the kitchen.
Sirius smiled down at Remus. "Poor Harry. I know he loves us being together and all - but I guess he can't help feeling awkward at times."
Remus laughed softly. "Yet another aspect in which he is *exactly* like James." He kissed the tip of Sirius' nose and took him by the hand. "Come on, let's go join him."
~*~*~*~*~
SUNDAY
Snape groaned. As much as he dreaded it, he should go eat with Lupin and Potter and Black. There was no other choice. He had spent the entire day sulking in the guest room, but now there was no ignoring the rumbling of his stomach. He cursed under his breath and ventured out of his room, heading down the hall to the kitchen.
When he entered, it was to find Remus standing at the stove, stirring something in a big pot. Harry was setting the table, which meant the antisocial lump behind the paper must be Sirius.
Remus looked up when Snape entered, and smiled. "Hello, Severus. Have a good nap?"
"Decent," grumbled Snape, eyeing the table. He'd either be sitting next to Black or across from Black. He wished he could eat in his room. Or his house. Or another planet, preferably Pluto. That was about as far as he could possibly get from Black.
He chose the seat on the left side of Sirius, and Remus cheerfully set a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of him. Harry sat down across from Sirius, who had pulled his plate of spaghetti behind his paper and was now eating as he levitated the paper in the air with his wand. It made no difference to Snape - it just meant he wouldn't have to look at that scraggly, long-haired wanker.
Remus, however, was put out by Sirius' behavior. "Siri-love," he asked, "How many times have I asked you not to read while we're eating?"
"Never," came the mumbled reply.
With an impatient sigh, Remus reached over and plucked the paper out of the air. "Well, I'm asking you now."
Sirius grumbled something and pulled his long hair over his left eye, to avoid accidentally glancing over at Snape. Of course, Snape didn't mind - instead of looking at Black's hated profile, all Snape could see was a curtain of long black hair. Which suited him fine.
Conversation during the rest of the meal was very forced; Harry and Sirius wouldn't talk to Snape at all. In fact, Sirius didn't talk to anyone. Whenever Harry or Remus asked him a question, he responded with grunts and nods. All in all, quite the depressing time.
Once the dishes had been washed and put away, Remus somehow managed a smile. "Severus, would you care to watch television with us?" Snape grudgingly agreed. He'd rather give up and die, or at least buy some scuba gear so he could go back to his own house. But he figured he'd better make a stab at being somewhat friendly. Even though it was Black he'd rather make a stab at. But then he'd wind up in Azkaban.
The big-screen, full-color Muggle television set was a necessity in the Black/Lupin/Potter household. Harry, having been raised by Muggles, and Sirius, who had had a Muggle father, were well used to television and couldn't go long without it. Remus, however, had come from an all-wizarding family. He quite obviously was not used to television, Snape noted. Quite often he asked for more information on a topic from the news reporters, and became embarrassed when Sirius gently reminded him, "Remmie, it's only television."
During the middle of a particularly brainless American sitcom (which had Sirius in hysterics - "I always knew he had no brain," Snape thought to himself), Remus brought in a rather suspicious-looking dish.
"Um, Remus, what is that?" Harry asked.
"I'm not sure," replied Remus, examining it. "Sirius, you made it. What is it?"
"Custard," answered Sirius without taking his eyes from the television.
Remus shrugged. "Would you care to try some, Severus?"
Warning bells lit up in Snape's greasy head, but he ignored them. He was pretty hungry. "Very well," he said, and shot a furious glare at Sirius, "If you're *sure* it's safe for me to eat."
That finally pulled Sirius' attention from the television. "Excuse me?" he growled. "What did you say? If you're going to accuse me of trying to poison you, just say it out loud, okay?"
"Fine. You're trying to poison me, aren't you?" Snape said icily.
Sirius snorted. "If I was, do you think I'd be stupid enough to let Remmie and Harry eat it too?"
Snape was about to reply when Remus held up a hand. "Enough arguing, you two!" he snapped, sounding not at all like the serene person they were all used to. "No one's trying to poison anyone! We're going to eat this custard!" With a huff, he marched back into the kitchen to dish out the custard. He came back with Snape's bowl. Snape tasted it cautiously. It didn't taste so bad. In fact, he was amazed over how good it tasted. Who knew Black could cook?
Well, Snape ended up eating half of the custard (the other half divided between Sirius, Remus, and Harry). Sirius stared. "It's that good?"
"It's fair," Snape snarled. "I'm hungry, is all."
Sirius smirked. "I'm just a good cook and you won't admit it."
Snape snorted and put his empty bowl in the sink. "I believe I'll retire now," he announced.
"Good night, Severus," Remus responded cheerfully.
But sleep did not come easily to Snape that night. First off, the custard brought on a terrific bout of heartburn. No sooner had he taken some Pepto-Bismol when Harry had gone into his room to practice Banishing Charms. The thuds of things hitting the walls went on for quite awhile. But no sooner had the racket from Harry's room stopped when the television was turned off, and Sirius and Remus went down the hall to their room. Funny. For people who were supposed to be sleeping, they made an awful lot of noise.
MONDAY
Snape hadn't gotten any sleep at all. The bangings and groanings in the next room had continued for a while, then stopped, then started again. Okay, maybe Black had been in jail for twelve years, and maybe they *were* engaged, but you think they could PACE THEMSELVES.
When he emerged from his room and entered the kitchen, he found Harry there alone, cooking the breakfast. Judging from what he had heard while passing Remus and Sirius' bedroom door, they wouldn't be out of bed for a *long* time.
Harry seemed just as embarrassed as Snape was. It didn't help when Remus and Sirius emerged from their room, giggling and only half dressed (Sirius in his pajama trousers, and Remus in Sirius' pajama shirt - thank Merlin it hung to his knees). Snape tried not to stare at the long scratches down Sirius' back, or the large hickey on Remus' neck, preferring to stay absorbed in the 'Daily Prophet'.
"Anything good in the Prophet today, Severus?" Remus asked cheerfully, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"Just an article about Pettigrew," Snape grumbled.
"Let me see!" Sirius said, yanking the paper out of Snape's hands. He scanned the article and laughed. "Stupid prat. Serves him right. Hope he enjoys Azkaban."
"I was *reading* that, Black," Snape snarled.
"Yeah, but it's *my* house," Sirius replied.
It only took a second for Snape to make up his mind. With a yell, he jumped out of his chair and tackled Sirius, knocking them both to the floor. A furious wrestling match ensued, during which Harry kept cheering, "Get him, Sirius!" and Remus tried popping a paper bag, pouring water on them, and poking them with a ruler to get their attention.
Sirius pinned Snape to the floor. "I win!" he snarled through his curtain of hair.
But Snape wasn't done yet. He reached for the nearest thing he could find - a freshly-cut lemon (Remus had been making a lemon-meringue pie).
He held the lemon over Sirius' back and squeezed.
"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Sirius screamed as the lemon juice made contact with his severely scratched skin. He rolled off Snape and wailed, "IT BURNS!!!! It *BURNS*!!!"
He fled for the bathroom and the shower, still wailing. Remus rushed after him.
They stayed in the shower for THREE HOURS.
TUESDAY
"Today's the day I go shopping," Remus announced over breakfast. "So it looks like it'll be just you three here today!"
Snape groaned, Harry blanched, and Sirius banged his head on the table.
"It's not as bad as all that," Remus frowned. "I'm sure you can keep out of each other's way for a few hours."
"Yeah!" said Sirius, brightening. "Harry and I will - uh, do yardwork or something."
Harry was less than thrilled at the prospect. But anything, *ANYTHING* was better than spending the day with Snape.
"I believe I'll read up on information for next semester's lessons," Snape said.
Sirius sniggered. "Still the Potions Master, are you?"
Snape glowered at him. "For your information, Black, I hope to get the position if Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year."
Sirius hooted with laughter. "Too bad! You've lost it again!"
Remus flushed. "Sirius, please -"
"Remmie's going back to teach it!" Sirius announced triumphantly, then began howling with laughter, falling out of his chair and rolling on the floor.
Snape glared furiously at him, struggling to control the urge to kick Black in the ribs. Instead, he turned his glare on Remus. "What is this idiot talking about, Lupin?"
Remus turned even redder. "Well, Severus, I -I ... Dumbledore owled me last week - he says - he says he wants me back teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts."
Harry's eyes widened. "You didn't tell me that!" he yelled, and seized Remus in a hug. "Wait 'till I tell Ron and Hermione!"
Snape stood up. "Then I wish good luck to you, Lupin," he snapped, looking as if he wished Remus nothing but ill. "I believe I'll go take a nap."
"But it's only ten-thirty," said Harry.
"I'm *aware* of the time, Potter."
Snape strode off to the guest room, giving Black a swift kick in the ass as he passed.
"OW!" Sirius yelped, jumping up. "Remmie! He kicked me!"
"Well, you were being a bit rude," Remus said mildly, putting on his coat. "Now, please, *please*, be good while I'm away. Harry, you know what to do - don't let him cook!"
"I don't need a baby-sitter!!!" Sirius wailed as Remus left.
"Yes you do!" Harry and Remus shouted in unison.
WEDNESDAY
Breakfast was eaten in silence the next day. Snape was still furious, though he was trying his best to resist the urge to grab Black by the hair and slit his throat with the butter knife.
"Oooooooh!" Sirius squealed in the middle of the meal. "Free! Glow-in-the-dark dinosaur-shaped pencil sharpener!"
"I beg your pardon?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
"In the cereal!" Sirius squealed, and seized the cereal box. "'Scuse me, Snapey," he said cheerfully, pouring the entire box on top of Snape's plate of bacon and beginning to root through the cereal to find his prize.
"I was *eating* that, Black," Snape said through gritted teeth.
"Ah, you don't need any more grease in your diet," Sirius replied. "Yes!" He held the plastic-wrapped prize aloft. "Where's a pencil! I want to try it!" He tore open the wrapping, threw the wrapper on top of the remains of Snape's breakfast, and ran down the hall to Remus' office in search of a pencil.
Remus took Snape's breakfast away, apologizing, and fixed up a new plate of bacon and eggs for him. Harry snuck a look at Snape and was alarmed to see that a vein was twitching in his greasy temple. "Um, Professor Snape?"
"What?" Snape growled.
"Um, if Sirius gets on your nerves, just - um, just remember that - uh - he was in Azkaban for a long time - so, uh, he's a bit, um, you know, weird."
Snape glared at him.
"Well, that's how Remus and I deal with it," Harry squeaked, then hid behind the 'Daily Prophet'.
Sirius came prancing back into the room with his pencil sharpener. "This thing is so cool," he pronounced, and set it down beside his bowl of cereal. No sooner had he sat down when Remus came back from the kitchen with Snape's new breakfast in one hand, a letter in the other, and an owl on his shoulder.
"It's for you, love," he said to Sirius, holding the letter out. Sirius took it and tore it open.
"It's from Dumbledore!" he announced.
"What does he want?" Harry asked eagerly.
Sirius shook his head and continued to read.
They waited. And then -
"WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!!!" Sirius screamed, making them all jump. He jumped on the table and began doing a victory dance. "Go me, go me, I am the king...." he sang.
"What is it, love?" Remus asked. Sirius tossed the letter to him and continued to dance.
Harry leaned eagerly over Remus' shoulder and scanned the letter. "No!" he cried in shock, then laughed and began to dance too. "This is GREAT!"
"What?" Snape snapped from across the room (where he had taken refuge from Sirius and Harry, who were now kicking their legs in the air Rockette-style).
Remus looked up from the letter, beaming. "Dumbledore wants Sirius to teach Astronomy at Hogwarts!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Snape. "GODDAMN IT!" He gave the table leg a vicious kick, making Harry and Sirius wobble and fall. "BOTH OF YOU?! Teaching at the same school? At the same time? NEAR *ME*?!! AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!"
And with that, he ran into the guest room and slammed the door.
Sirius sighed from his spot on the floor, where he was nursing a rapidly rising bruise on his elbow. "Doesn't take things well, does he?"
THURSDAY
Finally, finally! Snape was free! He could have exploded with happiness. Seeing as he was alone, he did a quick little jig.
Today, they had all agreed to go to Diagon Alley. It was a tad early to do school shopping, but Sirius was so excited over his new job that he couldn't wait. Or so he claimed. Snape had agreed to go only because it meant he could get away from then for a few hours. Last night hadn't been a good night for sleeping - Black and Lupin had spent the better part of yesterday afternoon as well as last night in their bedroom, "celebrating".
So now Snape was in the Apothecary, stocking up on much-needed Potions ingredients for next year. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Ah. Blessed silence. No television. No explosions from the kitchen. No - er - declarations of love. It was nice. Snape could hardly remember what life was like before he had to stay with his most hated enemies.
Ahh. The sweet smell of freedom. He took another deep breath as he left the Apothecary. Fresh air! He thought he'd never breathe it again.
"It's only two more days," Snape thought to himself. "Only two more days..... I think I can do it. But if I have to overhear Black and Lupin one more time..." He grimaced. "Erugh. I don't think I could take it."
Most unfortunately, he ran into Black and Lupin coming out of a shop.
"Oh, hello, Severus," Remus said, and began blushing for no good reason that Snape could see. "Find everything you need?"
Snape glanced suspiciously at Sirius, who was whistling and trying to hide his purchases in the folds on his robes. Wincing mentally at what it might be, Snape turned and set off towards Flourish and Blotts, where he needed to pick up a book on poison antidotes. He shuddered to think what Black and Lupin were going to be up to tonight. The store they had emerged from was Madame French's - one of the very few adult stores that catered to wizards.
~*~*~*~*~
"NO, YOU MORON!" Sirius bellowed, nearly toppling off his chair. "Winston Churchill! WINSTON CHURCHILL IS THE ANSWER, YOU STUPID GREAT PRAT!"
Snape sighed. They were watching a game show, and Sirius had been yelling at the contestants for the last half hour. As a result, Snape had a pounding headache.
"Margaret Thatcher?" one of the contestants suggested.
"Oooh, I'm sorry," said the host. "The answer is Winston Churchill."
"I KNEW it!" Sirius wailed, clapping a hand to his forehead.
"We *know* you knew it, Black," Snape snarled. "The whole NEIGHBORHOOD knows you knew it."
"Ahh, shut up, Snapey," Sirius grumbled, sticking his tongue out at him.
"Enough," Remus said sharply. He turned to Harry and said in a much softer tone, "Harry, are you ready for tomorrow?"
"Yup," said Harry. He was, frankly, relieved. He had been invited to stay with the Weasleys for two weeks, and was glad he was leaving tomorrow. He'd had more Snape than he could stand. Well - also, he could leave Sirius and Remus to - erm - better celebrate Sirius' freedom and their new jobs...
Snape was also frankly relieved. He had far too much of Potter during lessons - he really didn't need to be near him during the holidays, too. Sigh. How he wish wish *wished* his house was back to normal. Maybe he could go get a tent and camp in his back garden for a few days.
"I'm beat, I think I'll go to bed," said Harry, standing. "You know, be up early for tomorrow."
"G'night, Harry," Remus said warmly, giving Harry a hug.
"G'night, Harry," Sirius said, giving Harry a kiss on the forehead.
Harry paused. "Good night, Professor Snape."
"Good night, Potter," Snape said reluctantly. Ugh. Saying good night to Potter was one thing he never wanted to do again.
After Harry's door had closed, Snape stood. "I believe I'll go to bed as well," he said. "Goodnight."
Sirius stared, but Remus replied, "Good night, Severus."
After Snape's door had closed, Sirius shrugged. "Oh well! They're in bed!" He cast a mischievous look at Remus. "Remmie-chan, what do you say we make use of that.... 'present' you bought me today?"
"Oh, you," giggled Remus. He opened the bag and pulled out a black leather dog collar and leash. "And I've got the choke chain for *really* bad dogs," he said seductively.
Sirius' grin widened. "I can be *really* bad, believe me."
FRIDAY
When Snape woke up on Friday morning, he looked over at the clock and saw it was nearly lunchtime. This puzzled him. Why hadn't he gotten up earlier? He always got up as soon as he smelled breakfast cooking. Oh, wait. Potter must have left already. So he didn't cook the breakfast - well, Lupin would have, then. Or not, considering how sex-starved Black was.
Snape climbed out of bed and dressed, thinking of going to get some lunch. He started down the hallway towards the kitchen, but froze when a voice drifted out of the living room.
"Now that Harry's gone, we can have some fun." It was Black.
"What did you have in mind?" Lupin asked. Snape gulped. Lupin sounded pretty serious here.
"I dunno..." Black replied. There was a pause, then a whispered suggestion Snape couldn't make out. Lupin giggled.
"You're so naughty, do you know that?" he asked.
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"That is so old and corny!"
"Here's one even older and cornier - kiss me, you fiend!"
There was a loud thud, then some very sloppy-sounding kissy noises. Snape felt very ill. He did *NOT* need to hear this. And what came next made him feel even worse.
"It's a tad warm for those robes, don't you think, Moony?" Black panted.
"I was just going to say that, Padfoot."
Well, there was only two things Snape could do in this situation. He could Apperate to St. Mungo's and stay there forever trying to regain his sanity, or he could walk out there before Black and Lupin could get too involved. The rumbling of his stomach decided him. He'd take his chances.
Clearing his throat loudly, Snape stepped out into the living room.
Remus went white, and pulled his unbuttoned shirt closed. Sirius turned beet red, and to Snape's horror and disgust, pulled a couch cushion onto his lap.
"Ummmm.... hi, Severus..." Remus whimpered.
"Bloody hell, I knew we forgot someone," Sirius mumbled.
Snape could feel his ears and cheeks burning, and knew he was turning red too. "Um, excuse me," he said, very embarrassed, and ran into the kitchen.
He was joined a few minutes later by Lupin, who had gotten redressed.
"I'm so sorry, Severus," Remus apologized shamefacedly. "I guess we should have stayed in bed."
Snape's stomach clenched at the thought.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus asked. "You look a little green."
"I'm not feeling too well," Snape managed to say before making a mad dash for the bathroom.
He ended up spending the rest of the day in bed.
So did Sirius and Remus - for a different reason.
SATURDAY
It was completely silent at breakfast the next morning. Snape avoided looking at Remus and Sirius. Sirius kept sniggering under his breath. They all jumped when the phone rang.
"Blimey!" Sirius said weakly as Remus got up to answer it. "I forgot about that thing! We never use it!"
"It's for you, Severus," Remus said, holding the receiver out to him.
Snape got up and took the phone from Remus. "Hello?"
"Severus Snape?" a voice asked.
"This is he," Snape answered.
"This is the plumber," the voice said. "Your pipes are fixed and I've gotten your house dried out. You can move back in as soon as you want."
"I'll be right there!" Snape shouted, slamming down the receiver. He ran into the guest room and packed as fast as he could (which was pretty fast, seeing as he used magic) then ran back into the kitchen.
"HA, HA!" he shrieked at a surprised Sirius and Remus. "I'M SO OUT OF HERE, YOU LOSERS!"
And he Apperated back to his house.
~*~*~*~*~
"Blessed relief," Snape sighed to himself, getting into bed. He had had to put a Memory Charm on the plumber, so he wouldn't remember coming to Snape's house. But now, Snape was facing four more blessed, Potter-Black-and-Lupin-free weeks. Joy.
But then his long, hooked nose informed him that something didn't smell right. He searched for the source of the smell, which seemed to be the gas stove in the kitchen. Uhoh. He called a man from the gas company, who rushed right over.
"Crikey!" The gas man shouted. "It's a gas leak! It's a good thing you called me when you did! But, I'm afraid you'll have to find someplace to stay for a week."
Snape's eyes widened in fear. "I believe I'll stay in a Muggle Hotel," he said, before running down the hall to pack his bags.
The End!
Note: Sort of a companion to "The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Sirius Black". This time, Snape comes to stay with his three biggest enemies - Harry, Sirius, and Remus! (Or in Snape's words, Potter, Black, and Lupin.)
Note: I have no maps of England, so I just made up Siri and Remmie's address. So sue me. ::pause:: No, wait, don't sue me.
~*~*~*~*~
The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Severus Snape
SATURDAY
Severus Snape pulled his long grey nightshirt over his head, then climbed into bed.
"Blessed relief," he muttered to himself. "I love the summer holidays. No POTTER to deal with...."
He closed his eyes, wanting to forget this horrible day. Just this morning, he had returned from visiting his mother in Ireland to find a stack of 'Daily Prophets' waiting for him. He had been unpleasantly surprised to find out that the murderer, Black, had been proven innocent while Snape had been in Ireland.
Snape had only been lying there for two minutes when he heard a loud noise which sounded as if it had come from his basement. Snape's eyes flew open.
"What was that?" he groused, getting out of bed.
He went downstairs, opened the basement door, and started down the stairs.
*Splash*.
Snape looked down in disbelief. He was standing ankle-deep in water. The basement was flooded! And what was worse, the water was rising at a frightening pace. Snape splashed up the stairs and ran into his kitchen, where he had had a Muggle 'telephone' installed in case of dire emergencies. It took him a few moments to figure out how to work the 'telephone', and another few minutes to look up the number of a Muggle plumber. It took even longer to persuade the man that it was an emergency, but finally Snape succeeded. The plumber arrived, looking annoyed at being roused out of bed at midnight, but his eyes widened when he saw the water steadily gushing into the kitchen from under the basement door.
"Blimey!" the plumber exclaimed an hour later, emerging from the basement, wearing scuba gear. "This will take me at least a week to fix," he said to Snape. "You'd better find yourself someplace to stay while I take care of it!"
Well, a nice thought, but the fact remained that Snape had no friends. Well, he supposed Lucius Malfoy might have asked him to stay, but unfortunately Lucius had taken his wife Narcissa and their son Draco to France for the holidays. So, unable to think of anything else, he sent an owl to Dumbledore, asking for advice.
Dumbledore's owl returned as Snape was packing. Snape opened the letter and read -
-Dear Severus,
I think I have the perfect place for you to stay. Go to 117 Smith Lane in Kent. There you will find a family who will be more than happy to put you up for as long as you need.
Dumbledore -
Snape was surprised that Dumbledore hadn't even mentioned the name of the family, but as he had no other choice, he gathered up his suitcases and Apperated to Kent.
~*~*~*~*~
After only five minutes' walking, Snape came upon 117 Smith Lane. It was designated by a mailbox at the end of a long path; evidently the house was set far back from the road. Snape checked both sides of the mailbox for a name, but there was none. Only the address. Confused, he started up the path.
The house at the end of the path wasn't the spectacular mansion Snape had envisioned. But it was a nice-sized cottage, built American log-cabin style, with a well-tended front garden, and surrounded by a forest. A motorcycle was parked in the driveway. As he drew closer, Snape frowned. That motorcycle looked rather familiar. As he stepped onto the wide front porch (actually part of a veranda which wrapped all the way round the house) and knocked, it hit him. Wasn't that - BLACK's motorcycle?
His worst fears were confirmed. The door was answered by no other than the murderer, Sirius Black.
"Oh. It's you." Sirius grumbled when he saw who was standing at the door. Snape scowled.
"Yes, Black, it's me," he snarled. "Apparently, Dumbledore's given me the wrong address. I'll just be on my way then-"
But before he could move, a cheerful voice said, "No, you're in the right place, Severus!"
Remus Lupin had joined Sirius in the front hall and was beaming at Snape. "Dumbledore owled us this morning," Remus continued. "He said you needed a place to stay while your pipes were being fixed, and asked if we'd mind if you stayed here. I think he wants us to make *peace*," he finished, shooting a glance at Sirius.
Sirius rolled his eyes, grumbled incoherently, and wandered off. Snape sneered after him, then looked back at Lupin. "You expect me to stay with you and Black for a week?"
Remus blushed. "Well - yes," he said hesitantly. "I agree with Dumbledore - we need to make peace in order to be united against Voldemort."
Snape growled. "Very well - but I'm not agreeing to being nice to your *boyfriend*."
Remus' blush deepened and he lowered his eyes. "Fianceé, Severus," he said, so quietly that Snape barely heard him.
Snape's face contorted in disgust, which Remus thankfully didn't see. "You're *marrying* him?"
Remus nodded shyly, and then the last person on Earth whom Snape wanted to see appeared - Harry Potter.
"Professor Snape?!" Harry squeaked, at the same moment Snape snarled, "Potter?!"
"Severus will be staying with us for a short while, Harry," Remus told his step-godson-to-be (or whatever Harry would be to him after he married Sirius).
"He lives here too?" Snape snarled, jerking his head in Harry's direction.
"Of course he does," Sirius said coldly, emerging from what Snape assumed was the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand. "I'm not leaving *my* godson to live with a bunch of Neanderthals."
For a moment, Snape and Sirius stood where they were, eyeing each other with utmost loathing. Harry and Remus glanced back and forth between the two warily, then Remus suggested, "Why don't I show you your room, Severus?"
"Very well," Snape said curtly, and followed Remus down the hall, ignoring Harry and Sirius (who was looking absurdly superior over winning their staring contest).
Snape put down his suitcases and glared round the small, sunny guest room. "I think I'd like to take a nap, Lupin," he said icily. "Long night, you know."
"Certainly, Severus," Remus said politely, and left.
~*~*~*~*~
Sirius and Harry were in the living room when Remus returned. Harry was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, and Sirius was leaning against the couch, curling his lip in a very dog-like way.
"Why do we have to have *him* here, Remmie?" Sirius demanded as Remus entered the room. "It's not like I can stand the guy."
Remus gave him a firm look. "Dumbledore wants it, and he usually knows what's good for everyone. You want to do as he asks, don't you?"
"I suppose," grumbled Sirius. "But I really, truly hate him." Harry noticed that his godfather made no attempt to lower his voice.
"It's only for a week, love," Remus said sweetly, leaning up and touching his nose to Sirius'.
Harry blushed, getting up. This looked like one of those times when he'd rather not be in the room. "Uh, I'm gonna go eat," he said to Sirius and Remus, then ducked into the kitchen.
Sirius smiled down at Remus. "Poor Harry. I know he loves us being together and all - but I guess he can't help feeling awkward at times."
Remus laughed softly. "Yet another aspect in which he is *exactly* like James." He kissed the tip of Sirius' nose and took him by the hand. "Come on, let's go join him."
~*~*~*~*~
SUNDAY
Snape groaned. As much as he dreaded it, he should go eat with Lupin and Potter and Black. There was no other choice. He had spent the entire day sulking in the guest room, but now there was no ignoring the rumbling of his stomach. He cursed under his breath and ventured out of his room, heading down the hall to the kitchen.
When he entered, it was to find Remus standing at the stove, stirring something in a big pot. Harry was setting the table, which meant the antisocial lump behind the paper must be Sirius.
Remus looked up when Snape entered, and smiled. "Hello, Severus. Have a good nap?"
"Decent," grumbled Snape, eyeing the table. He'd either be sitting next to Black or across from Black. He wished he could eat in his room. Or his house. Or another planet, preferably Pluto. That was about as far as he could possibly get from Black.
He chose the seat on the left side of Sirius, and Remus cheerfully set a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of him. Harry sat down across from Sirius, who had pulled his plate of spaghetti behind his paper and was now eating as he levitated the paper in the air with his wand. It made no difference to Snape - it just meant he wouldn't have to look at that scraggly, long-haired wanker.
Remus, however, was put out by Sirius' behavior. "Siri-love," he asked, "How many times have I asked you not to read while we're eating?"
"Never," came the mumbled reply.
With an impatient sigh, Remus reached over and plucked the paper out of the air. "Well, I'm asking you now."
Sirius grumbled something and pulled his long hair over his left eye, to avoid accidentally glancing over at Snape. Of course, Snape didn't mind - instead of looking at Black's hated profile, all Snape could see was a curtain of long black hair. Which suited him fine.
Conversation during the rest of the meal was very forced; Harry and Sirius wouldn't talk to Snape at all. In fact, Sirius didn't talk to anyone. Whenever Harry or Remus asked him a question, he responded with grunts and nods. All in all, quite the depressing time.
Once the dishes had been washed and put away, Remus somehow managed a smile. "Severus, would you care to watch television with us?" Snape grudgingly agreed. He'd rather give up and die, or at least buy some scuba gear so he could go back to his own house. But he figured he'd better make a stab at being somewhat friendly. Even though it was Black he'd rather make a stab at. But then he'd wind up in Azkaban.
The big-screen, full-color Muggle television set was a necessity in the Black/Lupin/Potter household. Harry, having been raised by Muggles, and Sirius, who had had a Muggle father, were well used to television and couldn't go long without it. Remus, however, had come from an all-wizarding family. He quite obviously was not used to television, Snape noted. Quite often he asked for more information on a topic from the news reporters, and became embarrassed when Sirius gently reminded him, "Remmie, it's only television."
During the middle of a particularly brainless American sitcom (which had Sirius in hysterics - "I always knew he had no brain," Snape thought to himself), Remus brought in a rather suspicious-looking dish.
"Um, Remus, what is that?" Harry asked.
"I'm not sure," replied Remus, examining it. "Sirius, you made it. What is it?"
"Custard," answered Sirius without taking his eyes from the television.
Remus shrugged. "Would you care to try some, Severus?"
Warning bells lit up in Snape's greasy head, but he ignored them. He was pretty hungry. "Very well," he said, and shot a furious glare at Sirius, "If you're *sure* it's safe for me to eat."
That finally pulled Sirius' attention from the television. "Excuse me?" he growled. "What did you say? If you're going to accuse me of trying to poison you, just say it out loud, okay?"
"Fine. You're trying to poison me, aren't you?" Snape said icily.
Sirius snorted. "If I was, do you think I'd be stupid enough to let Remmie and Harry eat it too?"
Snape was about to reply when Remus held up a hand. "Enough arguing, you two!" he snapped, sounding not at all like the serene person they were all used to. "No one's trying to poison anyone! We're going to eat this custard!" With a huff, he marched back into the kitchen to dish out the custard. He came back with Snape's bowl. Snape tasted it cautiously. It didn't taste so bad. In fact, he was amazed over how good it tasted. Who knew Black could cook?
Well, Snape ended up eating half of the custard (the other half divided between Sirius, Remus, and Harry). Sirius stared. "It's that good?"
"It's fair," Snape snarled. "I'm hungry, is all."
Sirius smirked. "I'm just a good cook and you won't admit it."
Snape snorted and put his empty bowl in the sink. "I believe I'll retire now," he announced.
"Good night, Severus," Remus responded cheerfully.
But sleep did not come easily to Snape that night. First off, the custard brought on a terrific bout of heartburn. No sooner had he taken some Pepto-Bismol when Harry had gone into his room to practice Banishing Charms. The thuds of things hitting the walls went on for quite awhile. But no sooner had the racket from Harry's room stopped when the television was turned off, and Sirius and Remus went down the hall to their room. Funny. For people who were supposed to be sleeping, they made an awful lot of noise.
MONDAY
Snape hadn't gotten any sleep at all. The bangings and groanings in the next room had continued for a while, then stopped, then started again. Okay, maybe Black had been in jail for twelve years, and maybe they *were* engaged, but you think they could PACE THEMSELVES.
When he emerged from his room and entered the kitchen, he found Harry there alone, cooking the breakfast. Judging from what he had heard while passing Remus and Sirius' bedroom door, they wouldn't be out of bed for a *long* time.
Harry seemed just as embarrassed as Snape was. It didn't help when Remus and Sirius emerged from their room, giggling and only half dressed (Sirius in his pajama trousers, and Remus in Sirius' pajama shirt - thank Merlin it hung to his knees). Snape tried not to stare at the long scratches down Sirius' back, or the large hickey on Remus' neck, preferring to stay absorbed in the 'Daily Prophet'.
"Anything good in the Prophet today, Severus?" Remus asked cheerfully, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"Just an article about Pettigrew," Snape grumbled.
"Let me see!" Sirius said, yanking the paper out of Snape's hands. He scanned the article and laughed. "Stupid prat. Serves him right. Hope he enjoys Azkaban."
"I was *reading* that, Black," Snape snarled.
"Yeah, but it's *my* house," Sirius replied.
It only took a second for Snape to make up his mind. With a yell, he jumped out of his chair and tackled Sirius, knocking them both to the floor. A furious wrestling match ensued, during which Harry kept cheering, "Get him, Sirius!" and Remus tried popping a paper bag, pouring water on them, and poking them with a ruler to get their attention.
Sirius pinned Snape to the floor. "I win!" he snarled through his curtain of hair.
But Snape wasn't done yet. He reached for the nearest thing he could find - a freshly-cut lemon (Remus had been making a lemon-meringue pie).
He held the lemon over Sirius' back and squeezed.
"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Sirius screamed as the lemon juice made contact with his severely scratched skin. He rolled off Snape and wailed, "IT BURNS!!!! It *BURNS*!!!"
He fled for the bathroom and the shower, still wailing. Remus rushed after him.
They stayed in the shower for THREE HOURS.
TUESDAY
"Today's the day I go shopping," Remus announced over breakfast. "So it looks like it'll be just you three here today!"
Snape groaned, Harry blanched, and Sirius banged his head on the table.
"It's not as bad as all that," Remus frowned. "I'm sure you can keep out of each other's way for a few hours."
"Yeah!" said Sirius, brightening. "Harry and I will - uh, do yardwork or something."
Harry was less than thrilled at the prospect. But anything, *ANYTHING* was better than spending the day with Snape.
"I believe I'll read up on information for next semester's lessons," Snape said.
Sirius sniggered. "Still the Potions Master, are you?"
Snape glowered at him. "For your information, Black, I hope to get the position if Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year."
Sirius hooted with laughter. "Too bad! You've lost it again!"
Remus flushed. "Sirius, please -"
"Remmie's going back to teach it!" Sirius announced triumphantly, then began howling with laughter, falling out of his chair and rolling on the floor.
Snape glared furiously at him, struggling to control the urge to kick Black in the ribs. Instead, he turned his glare on Remus. "What is this idiot talking about, Lupin?"
Remus turned even redder. "Well, Severus, I -I ... Dumbledore owled me last week - he says - he says he wants me back teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts."
Harry's eyes widened. "You didn't tell me that!" he yelled, and seized Remus in a hug. "Wait 'till I tell Ron and Hermione!"
Snape stood up. "Then I wish good luck to you, Lupin," he snapped, looking as if he wished Remus nothing but ill. "I believe I'll go take a nap."
"But it's only ten-thirty," said Harry.
"I'm *aware* of the time, Potter."
Snape strode off to the guest room, giving Black a swift kick in the ass as he passed.
"OW!" Sirius yelped, jumping up. "Remmie! He kicked me!"
"Well, you were being a bit rude," Remus said mildly, putting on his coat. "Now, please, *please*, be good while I'm away. Harry, you know what to do - don't let him cook!"
"I don't need a baby-sitter!!!" Sirius wailed as Remus left.
"Yes you do!" Harry and Remus shouted in unison.
WEDNESDAY
Breakfast was eaten in silence the next day. Snape was still furious, though he was trying his best to resist the urge to grab Black by the hair and slit his throat with the butter knife.
"Oooooooh!" Sirius squealed in the middle of the meal. "Free! Glow-in-the-dark dinosaur-shaped pencil sharpener!"
"I beg your pardon?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
"In the cereal!" Sirius squealed, and seized the cereal box. "'Scuse me, Snapey," he said cheerfully, pouring the entire box on top of Snape's plate of bacon and beginning to root through the cereal to find his prize.
"I was *eating* that, Black," Snape said through gritted teeth.
"Ah, you don't need any more grease in your diet," Sirius replied. "Yes!" He held the plastic-wrapped prize aloft. "Where's a pencil! I want to try it!" He tore open the wrapping, threw the wrapper on top of the remains of Snape's breakfast, and ran down the hall to Remus' office in search of a pencil.
Remus took Snape's breakfast away, apologizing, and fixed up a new plate of bacon and eggs for him. Harry snuck a look at Snape and was alarmed to see that a vein was twitching in his greasy temple. "Um, Professor Snape?"
"What?" Snape growled.
"Um, if Sirius gets on your nerves, just - um, just remember that - uh - he was in Azkaban for a long time - so, uh, he's a bit, um, you know, weird."
Snape glared at him.
"Well, that's how Remus and I deal with it," Harry squeaked, then hid behind the 'Daily Prophet'.
Sirius came prancing back into the room with his pencil sharpener. "This thing is so cool," he pronounced, and set it down beside his bowl of cereal. No sooner had he sat down when Remus came back from the kitchen with Snape's new breakfast in one hand, a letter in the other, and an owl on his shoulder.
"It's for you, love," he said to Sirius, holding the letter out. Sirius took it and tore it open.
"It's from Dumbledore!" he announced.
"What does he want?" Harry asked eagerly.
Sirius shook his head and continued to read.
They waited. And then -
"WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!!!" Sirius screamed, making them all jump. He jumped on the table and began doing a victory dance. "Go me, go me, I am the king...." he sang.
"What is it, love?" Remus asked. Sirius tossed the letter to him and continued to dance.
Harry leaned eagerly over Remus' shoulder and scanned the letter. "No!" he cried in shock, then laughed and began to dance too. "This is GREAT!"
"What?" Snape snapped from across the room (where he had taken refuge from Sirius and Harry, who were now kicking their legs in the air Rockette-style).
Remus looked up from the letter, beaming. "Dumbledore wants Sirius to teach Astronomy at Hogwarts!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Snape. "GODDAMN IT!" He gave the table leg a vicious kick, making Harry and Sirius wobble and fall. "BOTH OF YOU?! Teaching at the same school? At the same time? NEAR *ME*?!! AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!"
And with that, he ran into the guest room and slammed the door.
Sirius sighed from his spot on the floor, where he was nursing a rapidly rising bruise on his elbow. "Doesn't take things well, does he?"
THURSDAY
Finally, finally! Snape was free! He could have exploded with happiness. Seeing as he was alone, he did a quick little jig.
Today, they had all agreed to go to Diagon Alley. It was a tad early to do school shopping, but Sirius was so excited over his new job that he couldn't wait. Or so he claimed. Snape had agreed to go only because it meant he could get away from then for a few hours. Last night hadn't been a good night for sleeping - Black and Lupin had spent the better part of yesterday afternoon as well as last night in their bedroom, "celebrating".
So now Snape was in the Apothecary, stocking up on much-needed Potions ingredients for next year. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Ah. Blessed silence. No television. No explosions from the kitchen. No - er - declarations of love. It was nice. Snape could hardly remember what life was like before he had to stay with his most hated enemies.
Ahh. The sweet smell of freedom. He took another deep breath as he left the Apothecary. Fresh air! He thought he'd never breathe it again.
"It's only two more days," Snape thought to himself. "Only two more days..... I think I can do it. But if I have to overhear Black and Lupin one more time..." He grimaced. "Erugh. I don't think I could take it."
Most unfortunately, he ran into Black and Lupin coming out of a shop.
"Oh, hello, Severus," Remus said, and began blushing for no good reason that Snape could see. "Find everything you need?"
Snape glanced suspiciously at Sirius, who was whistling and trying to hide his purchases in the folds on his robes. Wincing mentally at what it might be, Snape turned and set off towards Flourish and Blotts, where he needed to pick up a book on poison antidotes. He shuddered to think what Black and Lupin were going to be up to tonight. The store they had emerged from was Madame French's - one of the very few adult stores that catered to wizards.
~*~*~*~*~
"NO, YOU MORON!" Sirius bellowed, nearly toppling off his chair. "Winston Churchill! WINSTON CHURCHILL IS THE ANSWER, YOU STUPID GREAT PRAT!"
Snape sighed. They were watching a game show, and Sirius had been yelling at the contestants for the last half hour. As a result, Snape had a pounding headache.
"Margaret Thatcher?" one of the contestants suggested.
"Oooh, I'm sorry," said the host. "The answer is Winston Churchill."
"I KNEW it!" Sirius wailed, clapping a hand to his forehead.
"We *know* you knew it, Black," Snape snarled. "The whole NEIGHBORHOOD knows you knew it."
"Ahh, shut up, Snapey," Sirius grumbled, sticking his tongue out at him.
"Enough," Remus said sharply. He turned to Harry and said in a much softer tone, "Harry, are you ready for tomorrow?"
"Yup," said Harry. He was, frankly, relieved. He had been invited to stay with the Weasleys for two weeks, and was glad he was leaving tomorrow. He'd had more Snape than he could stand. Well - also, he could leave Sirius and Remus to - erm - better celebrate Sirius' freedom and their new jobs...
Snape was also frankly relieved. He had far too much of Potter during lessons - he really didn't need to be near him during the holidays, too. Sigh. How he wish wish *wished* his house was back to normal. Maybe he could go get a tent and camp in his back garden for a few days.
"I'm beat, I think I'll go to bed," said Harry, standing. "You know, be up early for tomorrow."
"G'night, Harry," Remus said warmly, giving Harry a hug.
"G'night, Harry," Sirius said, giving Harry a kiss on the forehead.
Harry paused. "Good night, Professor Snape."
"Good night, Potter," Snape said reluctantly. Ugh. Saying good night to Potter was one thing he never wanted to do again.
After Harry's door had closed, Snape stood. "I believe I'll go to bed as well," he said. "Goodnight."
Sirius stared, but Remus replied, "Good night, Severus."
After Snape's door had closed, Sirius shrugged. "Oh well! They're in bed!" He cast a mischievous look at Remus. "Remmie-chan, what do you say we make use of that.... 'present' you bought me today?"
"Oh, you," giggled Remus. He opened the bag and pulled out a black leather dog collar and leash. "And I've got the choke chain for *really* bad dogs," he said seductively.
Sirius' grin widened. "I can be *really* bad, believe me."
FRIDAY
When Snape woke up on Friday morning, he looked over at the clock and saw it was nearly lunchtime. This puzzled him. Why hadn't he gotten up earlier? He always got up as soon as he smelled breakfast cooking. Oh, wait. Potter must have left already. So he didn't cook the breakfast - well, Lupin would have, then. Or not, considering how sex-starved Black was.
Snape climbed out of bed and dressed, thinking of going to get some lunch. He started down the hallway towards the kitchen, but froze when a voice drifted out of the living room.
"Now that Harry's gone, we can have some fun." It was Black.
"What did you have in mind?" Lupin asked. Snape gulped. Lupin sounded pretty serious here.
"I dunno..." Black replied. There was a pause, then a whispered suggestion Snape couldn't make out. Lupin giggled.
"You're so naughty, do you know that?" he asked.
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"That is so old and corny!"
"Here's one even older and cornier - kiss me, you fiend!"
There was a loud thud, then some very sloppy-sounding kissy noises. Snape felt very ill. He did *NOT* need to hear this. And what came next made him feel even worse.
"It's a tad warm for those robes, don't you think, Moony?" Black panted.
"I was just going to say that, Padfoot."
Well, there was only two things Snape could do in this situation. He could Apperate to St. Mungo's and stay there forever trying to regain his sanity, or he could walk out there before Black and Lupin could get too involved. The rumbling of his stomach decided him. He'd take his chances.
Clearing his throat loudly, Snape stepped out into the living room.
Remus went white, and pulled his unbuttoned shirt closed. Sirius turned beet red, and to Snape's horror and disgust, pulled a couch cushion onto his lap.
"Ummmm.... hi, Severus..." Remus whimpered.
"Bloody hell, I knew we forgot someone," Sirius mumbled.
Snape could feel his ears and cheeks burning, and knew he was turning red too. "Um, excuse me," he said, very embarrassed, and ran into the kitchen.
He was joined a few minutes later by Lupin, who had gotten redressed.
"I'm so sorry, Severus," Remus apologized shamefacedly. "I guess we should have stayed in bed."
Snape's stomach clenched at the thought.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus asked. "You look a little green."
"I'm not feeling too well," Snape managed to say before making a mad dash for the bathroom.
He ended up spending the rest of the day in bed.
So did Sirius and Remus - for a different reason.
SATURDAY
It was completely silent at breakfast the next morning. Snape avoided looking at Remus and Sirius. Sirius kept sniggering under his breath. They all jumped when the phone rang.
"Blimey!" Sirius said weakly as Remus got up to answer it. "I forgot about that thing! We never use it!"
"It's for you, Severus," Remus said, holding the receiver out to him.
Snape got up and took the phone from Remus. "Hello?"
"Severus Snape?" a voice asked.
"This is he," Snape answered.
"This is the plumber," the voice said. "Your pipes are fixed and I've gotten your house dried out. You can move back in as soon as you want."
"I'll be right there!" Snape shouted, slamming down the receiver. He ran into the guest room and packed as fast as he could (which was pretty fast, seeing as he used magic) then ran back into the kitchen.
"HA, HA!" he shrieked at a surprised Sirius and Remus. "I'M SO OUT OF HERE, YOU LOSERS!"
And he Apperated back to his house.
~*~*~*~*~
"Blessed relief," Snape sighed to himself, getting into bed. He had had to put a Memory Charm on the plumber, so he wouldn't remember coming to Snape's house. But now, Snape was facing four more blessed, Potter-Black-and-Lupin-free weeks. Joy.
But then his long, hooked nose informed him that something didn't smell right. He searched for the source of the smell, which seemed to be the gas stove in the kitchen. Uhoh. He called a man from the gas company, who rushed right over.
"Crikey!" The gas man shouted. "It's a gas leak! It's a good thing you called me when you did! But, I'm afraid you'll have to find someplace to stay for a week."
Snape's eyes widened in fear. "I believe I'll stay in a Muggle Hotel," he said, before running down the hall to pack his bags.
The End!