PART FOUR
Blissful Torture to the Shattered Self Kurama"Oi, Kurama, daijoubu ka?" Yusuke peered at me and I almost jumped back in surprise.
"H-hai, gomen," I replied, snapping out of my thoughts.
"Good," he sat back down beside Kuwabara, in front of the TV screen. "Kuwabara and I were kind of wondering if you'd turned into a statue or something."
Kuwabara shook his head. "That's what too many responsibilities can do to you. They slowly eat up your brain. You oughta relax a little, Kurama-kun. Play video games. Like me and Urameshi here," he jerked his head at Yusuke. They had invited me over to Yusuke and Keiko's place, and they were now curled up in front of the TV, competing against one another in video games.
I shook my head. "Go ahead; I'll just watch you guys," I said, as they both shrugged and went on with their game. Keiko entered the living room and smiled at me. "Do you need anything, Kurama-kun?"
"Um…no, nothing at all, thank you."
"Just call me if you do, okay?" she smiled sweetly. I nodded. Then her smile faded as she turned to Yusuke. She picked up a magazine on the floor and threw it at him.
"Ow!!!" Yusuke winced and turned his back on the TV and towards her. "Keiko, what's with the magazine?!?"
Keiko glared at him. "Don't stay too near the set! It's bad for your eyesight."
"Aw, sheesh, you haven't changed since I married you," Yusuke groaned.
"Baka!!! Just do as I say!!!"
"Maybe I made a mistake in proposing too soon," Yusuke grumbled, but did as he was told.
"What was that, Yusuke?!?" Keiko demanded.
"Nothing! Nothing!" he said nervously.
"You too, Kuwa-kun," Keiko said.
"Nani?!?" Kuwabara turned to her. "Why me?"
"Because I said so! Do you have anything against that?!?" she glared at him, too.
Kuwabara sighed and did the same thing.
"Good!!!" then Keiko smiled at me again. "Gomen," and she disappeared into the kitchen.
"Oi, Urameshi, maybe you shouldn't have fulfilled your promise to her," Kuwabara remarked.
Yusuke just shrugged. I sighed. Yusuke had fulfilled his promise to Keiko that he'd marry her when he got back from Makai after three years. He complained most of the time about Keiko's firmness, but I always thought it was for the best since Yusuke really needed some firmness and control. He just didn't appreciate Keiko's attempts of making him a better person.
But that wasn't what was clouding my mind right now. It was Botan. She wasn't in her room when I had knocked this morning; I couldn't sense her chi anywhere near this side of town. I was especially worried about her since she didn't know much about life in Ningenkai. Sheesh, she didn't even know what an elevator was!
Where could she have run off to?
Had something happened to her?
Did Koenma-sama call her back to Reikai?
The very same questions kept playing over and over in my head. It was already 5:30, and she hadn't returned yet. It was making me worried sick each and every passing minute.
Hey, why was I worrying so much about her, anyway? She still had her powers, didn't she? And besides, if anyone would attempt to kidnap her or anything, then she'd just revert to her form that ningens couldn't see.
But still, even self-assurance couldn't stop myself from worrying. Not even being calm could.
And just when I was about to give up on waiting and decide to go look for her, the doorbell rang and Keiko ran to get it. My gaze followed the door to see who it was. And luckily enough, Botan popped in and started to tell Keiko something I couldn't quite make out. I frowned and stood up to head for her. She'd better have a good explanation.
"Botan! Where in the three worlds have you been?" I approached her and placed my hand on her shoulder, cocking an eyebrow.
"K-Kurama-kun! Nani…?" she gave me a rather surprised look, probably wondering what I was doing in the Urameshi residence. "I was…um…" she gave a quick, nervous glance at my hand on her shoulder.
Keiko was looking at me questioningly. I blushed and quickly withdrew my hand. "You were--?" I prompted.
"I was just…out seeing the city," she replied reluctantly.
"Out seeing the city?!? Don't you know how extremely dangerous it is for someone like you to be roaming around the city alone? Didn't you realize that people back here will get worried sick about you just like I was?" I snapped, the words coming out involuntarily.
Botan gasped and flushed a bright shade of red, adding more color to her already pink cheeks. "Y-you were…worried about me? That much?" she asked, almost inaudibly.
"Um… well, I…who wouldn't be, anyway?" I countered.
I glanced at Keiko, who was now targeting a pure evil look at me, her lips forming into a rather wide, sly grin. "Kurama-kun…?" she said, her voice teasing.
"Ahem, ahem…..Kurama---?" I turned around. It was Yusuke, his head tilted, peeking at the little scene happening at the doorway, with Kuwabara, also wearing a sly grin.
"D-doushite…? Why…why are you all looking at me like that…?" I took a step back.
Kuwabara pretended to sniff something in the air. "I smeeeelll something heeeerrre," he remarked.
Yusuke nodded. "Kurama-kun?" then he pointed at Botan, wiggling his eyebrows at me. "Botan-chan? Finally?"
Oh great. First at the ramen house, and now here, too? Why can't everyone just take the hint that any sane guy would freak out if he knew that a friend of his who doesn't know practically anything in this world was out in the big city alone? I glanced at Keiko, willing her to start lecturing the two boys like she did at the ramen house. But she, too, was grinning at me like crazy.
Boy, if I told them about the same-apartment thing, then they'd really jump into conclusions.
Which they shouldn't. Because there was absolutely nothing going on between Botan and me.
"Yusuke-kun," I glared at him. "No way, iie, iie, iie. Absolutely iie. Get it?"
"Ah, denial. Such an evident thing," Keiko sang out, eyes twinkling.
I was beginning to lose my cool. What was wrong with them anyway?
I glanced at Botan. She was looking straight at the floor, practically melting it, her face burning, an expression on her face that was… I didn't know. Was it a smile or a frown…a mixture I couldn't quite define. It was actually pretty cute, if I say so myself.
Hold it, I told myself. Cute? Have I lost my wits?
I shook my head to clear away the thought. "Botan-san, sumimasen, demo… please inform me next time, okay? It's rather unsafe for you to go out on your own," I told her, smiling.
"And you will go out with her instead?" Kuwabara remarked.
I ignored it and waited for Botan's reply. I wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again.
"Hai, Kurama-kun, gomen nasai," she finally looked up from the floor and looked at me. She was smiling. And for some queer reason, her smile seemed to reach deep within me all of a sudden. It wasn't a typical feeling, yes, I knew.
I went back to the living room with Yusuke and Kuwabara, while Botan followed Keiko into the kitchen. I kept my gaze on her until she was out of sight. Somehow, her way of walking that I'd never noticed before kept me gazing, oddly.
Unfortunately, Yusuke saw this and he once again cast an evil smile at me. "Has a certain deity finally captivated the kitsune's cold heart?" he said in a mock voice.
I reverted my gaze from her to him. "Don't be silly, Yusuke," I remarked, regaining my place on the couch. "I was just worried, that's all."
"Uh huh, right," Yusuke snickered and returned to his game.
I gave it some thought. But then I realized that everything that I had wanted to hide and didn't want to admit was true.
I looked out the window, Botan's stunning features clouding my thoughts.
I was afraid of it. Afraid of the truth. But it was reality, and I couldn't do a single, solitary thing about it.
I was afraid of no longer being positive about how I felt for Botan.
But one thing was for sure: the feeling certainly wasn't just friendship anymore.
TokiyaThe psychic device was sparkling in my hand. Just like the way her eyes used to do. But then, she died, right before my very eyes…leaving only her memories…and…this…
Oneesan…
Why did that woman make me remember her so much? Botan…why?
I thought that I had tucked away remnants of the past…but that woman…the way she made me want to smile…brought back the way Mifuyu made me smile…her memories…and it only made it harder for me to go on without wistfulness. Their cheerfulness were so much alike…
No…she definitely didn't look anything like her…Yanagi did, but Botan's personality matched hers perfectly. Just as cheerful…just as sweet.
I looked back at the Ensui in my hand. It used to be her only reminder, but now, it was Botan who reminded me more of her.
A soft breeze blew towards the direction of the tree I was leaning against, and I tightened my grip on the Ensui, afraid that the wind would sweep by and take it away from me in a single glance.
Take it all away from me…like the way it took Mifuyu away…ever so swiftly, without letting me notice. If only I had mastered the Ensui back then…I could've fought back…
Why did she have to die, because of me?
I shut my eyes close, seeing only blackness, willing my memories of her to remain the same way.
Black.
Dark.
Blurred.
No more did I want to keep her in my mind in a clear vision.
But I was not successful, just like I hadn't always been in the past. I could not remove my motivation. She was the reason why I was fighting; to avenge her death. To search for her murderer.
But I had found him, hadn't I? Meguri Kyoza-sama. So why not kill him now?
But if I did, then, what would be my purpose of even existing? Now that I have avenged her death? Then what? Will I ever fight again? Will killing her murderer ever bring her back to me? Her smile… Her comfort… Her tears…Her touch…Back to the way it all used to be?
A single, hot drop of tear rolled down my cheek, never wanting it to do so. But now it did.
Because I knew the answer.
No.
Such pain and regret in that single word. Funny how such a word could change your whole life and leave you shattered. Crushed. Broken.
No. I will never be able to bring her back, no matter what I do. She's gone; nothing could erase that fact. Gone. Forever. Never to return again and never again to smile at me. Never again.
Never.
Gone.
Damn it…oneesan…what am I supposed to do…?
Slowly, I opened my eyes. And to my surprise, Fuuko was gazing at me, her eyes swallowing concern. She pointed her finger to my cheek, where the tear had dried. She gently brushed it away. "Mi-chan…daijoubu desu ka? Why were you…?"
I looked away. "Nothing. Let's just go."
I tucked the Ensui back into my pocket and followed Fuuko down the block. She had told me to wait for her after my job at the shop, so that we could walk together and I could accompany her home. I didn't know why I had agreed to it, seeing that it would only waste my time (I could've gone straight to the apartment and waited 'till the next mission arrived), but there was something inside me that persuaded me to agree. And seeing the way she was concerned about me, made me feel contented that I did.
We walked the first blocks in silence. Oddly.
"It's her again, isn't it?" Fuuko spoke suddenly.
For a moment I wanted to just shrug off the whole topic, but I figured it was time to share my thoughts with someone. Because it sure felt good when I almost did to Botan. But I didn't want it to come out that way, so I just nodded.
Fuuko gave me a weak smile. "Just as I thought."
Silence. It was pulling me to insanity.
"You know, you don't have to go on with it," Fuuko said again.
I looked at her in question. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Your goal," she said, still not turning to me. "You don't have to accomplish your goal."
I didn't respond. What did she know about my goal? She didn't even understand how I was feeling! She had completely no idea how it was to lose someone you hold dear.
"Because it won't help," she went on. "It won't help at all. In fact, it'll make things worse."
"And just what do you know about that? You don't even know how I feel."
"I would if you'd tell me!" she turned to me, finally. "But you don't even try. You never did. That's what's making you so bitter. Everything's to yourself."
"Hn, it wouldn't help if I did. You wouldn't be able to do anything about it."
"Yes, I would!" she countered. "I'd help you ease yourself a bit. Maybe then you can think straight. You can't always keep things to yourself." She stopped walking. "I know I won't be able to change things back to the way they were, but neither can you. So please, Mi-chan, tell me how you feel. At least you'll have someone to talk to," she looked at me, her eyes softening, pleading.
Did she really want to share my pain? Did she really want to suffer through every night, nightmares of the past haunting her mind, until she couldn't find time to breathe…or even release tears…? Did she really want to go through each day, trying to find a good reason to continue living a worthless life…or wake up every morning, knowing that someone had lost a life because she hadn't done anything to stop it…? Did she really want the pain and insanity of regret to ache in her heart with each passing minute…?
I didn't think so.
I couldn't bear to make anyone else suffer the same way I was. No. I deserved all the suffering and bitterness for myself.
"I'm a mixture of helplessness, fear, and uncertainty. No one would want to share that feeling, Fuuko. You wouldn't be able to do anything about it," I said slowly, and continued walking past her.
"Mi-chan…Mi-chan, wait," she ran towards me and grabbed my arm. "You have to tell me! I can't stand seeing you so…so alone---"
"Why should I, Fuuko?" I looked at her. Didn't she understand? "Why should I? When all that will come out of it is more pain? Someone would have to suffer with me. Is that any better than it is now?!?"
"I want to share it! I want to, damn it!!! Your own self is slipping away and you don't even know it!!! You're keeping it all to yourself and it's driving you insane!!! Why don't you tell me, you idiot, and save the stupid trouble?!?" she snapped at me, her eyes welling up.
I stared back at her, speechless.
I hesitated. Upon seeing this, she took my arm and began sobbing in anger. "Damn it, Mikagami!!! Tell me!!! Why are you hiding in your own world?!? Why are you so preoccupied in killing?!? Killing won't help, you fool! It's not what your sister would want you to do!!!"
My eyes widened in surprise. I had never expected Fuuko to make such a big deal out of this. I never knew she had cared so much…for such a pathetic being like me…why would she bother trying to help someone whose only purpose was to kill…?
My hands twitched, as I watched her break down in front of me. She was crying. Crying for me. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't just let a girl cry her heart out like that. And we were right in the middle of the street, too. Something told me I needed to do something. But what?
"So please stop it!!! Killing other people won't change anything!!! And so would keeping it to yourself the whole darn eternity!!! Mi-chan…kudasai! Kudasai…" she trailed off, her once sparkling, enthusiastic eyes now dull and expressionless. All her sobbing was giving her already pink cheeks more hue, as her shoulders shook.
Unknowingly, my hand slowly moved up to tentatively wipe the tears from her cheek. Her smooth skin sent shivers throughout my arm, and I quickly moved it away. I'd held her hand once, but I'd never touched any other part of her skin before…so this was how it felt…?
I continued staring at her, sobbing there like a child. She looked so sweet…so innocent…I was suddenly aware of how her slender figure was evidently shown by the gym suit she was wearing under a fairly short shirt. My eyes slowly traveled down from her face to her perfectly shaped waist…to her legs that were exposed by her fit cycling shorts, then back up to her—
Her—
I found myself swallowing heavily. I had never realized it before, but she had such…
Such…
Such…what…? What the heck are you getting at???
I shook my head and felt all the blood rush to my face. What was I thinking???
I blinked down at her, and I couldn't help but notice how much skin she had exposed. It was so tempting to--
Ugh, damn it!!! I've seen her in her underwear before, for goodness' sake!!!
"Fuuko…gomen…" I began, swearing to myself that I'd focus on the topic this time.
She sniffed, not meeting my gaze. I flinched. Was she mad at me?
I suppressed a sigh. She was right, though. Killing wasn't what my sister would want me to do. And that it would only make things worse.
"I need to get home," she said softly, her voice still shaking a bit.
"Hai," I nodded, and followed her.
We stopped in front of her house in silence.
"I'll tell you everything soon, when I'm ready," I said.
What the heck are you saying, Tokiya? Have you gone nuts?
She smiled faintly. "Promise, Mi-chan?"
"Promise," I nodded.
Did I just promise her I'd tell her everything???
"Thanks, Fuuko."
Oh damn, I just thanked her!!!"Do itashimashite," she just looked at me, and went inside.
I still didn't know what happened. All I knew was that I definitely needed to get my head checked.